Hey, mom.
Hey.
Guess who I just talked to.
Who?
Mrs. Mcguire. She asked me if you liked
The gift she got you for eighth grade graduation,
Which in texas, is the polite way of saying
"where the hell is my damn thank-you note?"
So my question to you is
Where the hell is her damn thank-you note?
And my question to you is
Mrs. Mcguire's the one with the mustache, right?
Sophie, I cannot believe you haven't written them yet.
Mackenzie, did you finish yours?
No. I didn't like any of my gifts.
I mean, what am I supposed to write?
"thanks for the lame stationery"?
I gave that to you.
Oh, I love it!
But in the future, I prefer cash.
Cash is king.
Who's texting you? Sophie's here. I'm here.
Who else you got?
I get texts from other people,
Like, someone named jojo keeps texting me "where you at?"
Oh, it's that spanish teacher guy.
He keeps asking me out.
So are you gonna go?
I don't know. He's so hot.
I think he's a little out of my league.
Don't se youf short.
You got yourself a tight little package. Right, nik?
Oh, the tightest. It just sits up there and smiles at ya.
Nikki!
Thank you.
And even if I wanted to go on this date, I can't.
I mean, I'm a single mom. I'm too busy.
Besides, sophie's not ready for me to date.
Sophie, your mom just got asked out.
Oh, finally. I'll write that guy a thank-you note.
Well, I still can't go.
Whoa. Wait. What just happened?
You used to fix our garbage disposal all the time.
I also used to paint your toenails every Sunday night,
But we're divorced. Now I only have to do my own.
I don't know why you're hesitating, annie.
Say yes.
Okay, let's not talk about it anymore. Hi.
Talk about what?
Annie just got asked out by a certified hottie.
Good for you.
It's time you started getting out there again.
It can't all be just work and sophie.
I mean, what in the world is holding you back?
Oh. I don't know.
Nothing, I guess. There you go.
Yay! You're going on a date. And here's a hot tip for you--
At our age, don't play hard to get.
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Okay, what about this?
I think the top says "boho chic"
And the skirt says--
"I'm taking a break from weaving something to go on this date."
I think the whole outfit says,
"hey. I live alone and eat soup most meals."
You have such a hot body. Why don't you show it off more?
Okay, what is with your family?
Do you guys just sit around talking about my body?
When "idol's" not on.
Hey, hey.
Hey, gary. I can't thank you enough for fixing my disposal.
Why don't you write him a note?
Be quiet, sophie.
Don't bother. The beer in your fridge is all the thanks I need.
Okay. I'm gonna go look for something else.
Mackenzie and I can help you. Oh, yeah.
Oh, no.
I am way too sensitive for that.
Plus you need to finish your notes.
All right. You know, I'm kinda getting into it anyway.
Oh, mom, is "ugly-ass" one or two words?
I don't know, but "grounded" is one.
Now remember, this is a date,
Not a p.T.A. Meeting, not working at the coffeehouse,
Not a contempo-christian mixer.
Here we go.
Love it.
Very liza minnelli.
I haven't put my pants on yet.
Don't put on pants. That'll ruin it.
Let's get you a jaunty cap and a huge gay following.
Okay, nikki, I don't even know why I'm doing this.
I mean, I'm not good at dating.
It makes me uncomfortable. I never know how to act.
You don't need to know how to act. Just copy what he does.
It's called "mirroring."
No way.
"teen glamour" says it's the best way
To show a boy you're interested in him.
I know what mirroring is, nikki.
You've given me that advice before.
You have very pretty eyes.
So do you.
Oh, my god. You're on fire.
Oh, my god! I'm on fire!
I'm on fire! I'm on--
Thank you!
Honey, that hair wasn't working for you anyway.
You looked like my little pony.
Why are you giving me advice anyway? You don't date.
I don't have to date.
I have an imagination and a stationary bicycle.
Which I will never use again.
Okay, what about this?
"I'm a mom."
"I'm a mom, and I am closed for business."
Well, nikki, I am a mom.
He doesn't have to know that right away.
Ha! Trust me.
That kind of information has a way of coming out.
♪
Sorry about the change of plans.
At least we still get to watch a movie.
You've had chickenpox, right?
Whatever happened to tom?
He was cute.
Mm. Not so cute
After the chickenpox were through with him.
Ooh!
Who's thislady?
Good evening.
"I'm fancy.
Are those bacon-wrapped figs?"
I forgot I had that. I always thought it was pretty.
I just never had the nerve to wear it.
Oh, wear it. I'm sure he's taking you someplace nice.
Where is he taking you?
Unh-unh. I am not telling you.
Why not? Are you kiddin'?
Thank you. Thank you.
Wow. I can't believe it's already 11:30.
This night has just flown by.
Well, it's not over. How do you feel about dessert?
I feel great about dessert.
Thank god you're still here!
My god, nikki, what's wrong?
Something terrible's happened.
After starving myself for three weeks,
I just got on the scale, and I gained 2 pounds!
How is that even possible?
Hey.
You got a brother?
I just have the worst luck with dating.
That's why I've been putting it off.
Is that why?
No other reason...
Or person?
No.
Okay, what is the deal with jack?
I mean, he was practically pushing me out the door
To go on this date.
It didn't bother him at all.
Because he doesn't know you like him.
I'm glad he doesn't.
I me'cause he clearly doesn't feel the same way.
I just don't understand it.
I have a tight little package!
Aah!
Annie likes jack?
Gary, what are you doing lurking in the kitchen,
Eavesdropping?
I'm not lurking. I was fixing the disposal.
And I'm a little drunk.
Annie likes jack?
Shh! You cannot tell anyone. It's a secret.
And annie would freak out if she found out you knew.
I'm freaking out. You know I can't keep a secret.
Gary, you have to.
It can't be like at your family reunion
When you told everyone we had sex on the coat pile.
Well, what was I supposed to do?
Grandma asked me what I was up to, so I told her.
You can't this time.
Figure out a way to keep your damn mouth shut!
But not right now,
Because I've been dying to talk to someone about it.
+
Hey.
Oh, hey, uncle jack. I just finished your note.
"thanks for that thing you got me.
It's super cute."
You have no idea what I got you.
Of course I do. I wear it all the time.
I had a well dug in africa in your name.
Super cute.
Wow.
Annie, you look totally slutty.
And she's not kidding either.
You look like... Hooker-hot.
Okay, I'm gonna go change. I--
No, don't. You look incredible. It's, uh... Wow!
What's the occasion?
I'm going on a date, remember?
Oh, right! That's tonight!
Good! Good, good, good.
What are you doing here?
Huh?
Oh, uh, matt called from the road.
He wanted to make sure you got your child support check...
After I reminded him, so...
Here.
Thank you.
I'm gonna have to take that whole damn disposal out...
Jack.
Annie.
How y'all doing tonight?
Hi. Who are you?
I'm alex. Um,
I'm here to pick up your mom.
No, really, who are you?
I'm sorry, alex. This is my daughter sophie.
Please come in.
Thank you. Wow, annie, you look--
Slutty, right?
That one's not mine.
That's mackenzie, nikki's daughter.
Oh, yeah. That makes sense.
And this is jack.
Lawyer. Ex-brother-in-law.
Is that a thing?
Oh, it's a thing.
Sorry. I didn't get your last name.
Castillo. Alejandro castillo.
Cooper. Jack cooper.
Alex. Ay, dios mio.
Dios mio, indeed.
Sweetie, go get mama a cup of ice.
You know what? Can we just go?
'cause this isn't gonna get any better.
Well, it was nice meeting you all.
Hey.
Where you goin'? Annie wouldn't tell me.
Well, then I imagine there's a good reason for that.
How you doin'? You okay?
Yeah. I'm okay. I pulled it together.
I'm glad to see mom dating.
I don't know what took her so long.
I mean, what was she waiting for?
Mm-hmm.
How you girls doin' tonight?
And the monkey, with pie on his face,
Comes to the farmer and says, "tell your people,
The time has come. Stop the harvest."
I'm sorry,
But I did not get that at all.
So why'd you laugh?
Because... I am so nervous
And--and you are so gooing,
And my daughter said I look like a hooker.
I'm just not sure how to act.
Okay, let me help you.
Some of this should be internal.
Okay, and if it makes you feel any better,
I'm nervous, too,
And I think it's because I like you so much.
I like you, too.
You seem so normal.
And grounded.
Okay, what the hell's going on there?
Okay, look, I'm sorry. It's just...
I-I am not normal or grounded,
And I should have told you that up front
So you knew what you were getting into.
Oh, dear.
Nikki, I need to talk ou fominu... Alone.
Whatever it is we didn't do it.
Yeah, I probably did.
Wow.
What? Wow.
Ck, I'm in no mood to play "wow-what." say it.
Okay, I had a cop friend of mine run a background check
On this alejandro castillo character,
If that's his real name...
Which it is, because my cop friend confirmed it.
You and I may have a different idea
Of what's "wow"-worthy.
And you know what else he told me?
Alex is married.
The word you're searching for is "wow."
+
She turned her phone off.
I can't believe alex is married.
I mean, I wouldn't mind it, but annie has morals.
Mm.
Well, we've got to tell her. What restaurant did she go to?
She wouldn't tell me. She was afraid I'd ruin it.
For once, I wanna ruin it for the right reason. Mm.
Sophie, what restaurant did your mother go to?
I promised her I wouldn't tell you.
And I promised her you'd finish your thank-you notes.
Maybe we can strike a deal here.
No, nikki, this is an important night for my mom.
I'm not gonna let you wreck it.
$5,000.
$3,000! $4,000.
Done! No!
I'm not gonna bribe them.
I will appeal to their sense of reason.
I will let you drive my porsche.
Have your porsche.
I am not giving you my car! Tell us where your mother is.
Look, it wouldn't matter even if I did tell you.
Nikki's not allowed to go in the restaurant anyway.
Come back when you're ready to put something big on the table.
Okay, so this is easy.
What rtaurant are you banned from?
In this state? Just three.
But two of them were all you can eat.
If you don't mean it, don't advertise it.
And thenft a couple years at the firm,
I realized that the busi world wasn't for me,
And so that's when I decided to folloam
And become a teacher.
Wow.
Hmm?
That waitress was so hot, even I checked her out.
I didn't notice.
You didn't noti-- oh, god.
You are too good to be true.
I mean, you're funny. You're smart.
You're great-looking.
You don't check out hot women.
I'm checking out a hot woman right now.
Where?
Oh, dear.
Annie, would it be okay if I, um--
Oh, god, it's happening. You're gonna kiss me. Yeah.
And I don't know what to do with my hands.
Nikki, come on! Let's go!
Wait. Before we go,
Why exactly did you get a background check on alex?
Because... Obviously I'm looking out for sophie.
As her uncle, have to make sure that any guy
That comes into her life isn't--
Good-looking, charming, charismatic?
Really? Do you think he is? 'cause I get nothing from him.
Do you know what I think it
You ke annie.
What?
You're--you're crazy. That...
I saw you. When she left with him,
You looked like you'd been punched in the gut.
That was just a reaction to his cologne.
Sandalwood much?
Just admit it. You had a background check done on him
Because you like annie.
Yohaveo case.
You have no evidence toro it,
And I obje to this line of questioning.
I will allow it.
Oh! Come on, nikki. Let's go.
And food my car. You eat like a toddler.
Oh, my god! Aah!
Jack likes annie?!
Gary, what are you doing out here?
Trying to shut the water off.
It's like you can't squat down in this house
Without someone blabbing a secret.
Well, you cat saything about this one either.
I know!
Mackenzie stole $20 out of your wallet.
Whew! What a relief.
Hi. We're looking for two people--
A etty blonde and a somewh below average-looking latin man.
Wait a minute. Don't I know you?
I don't know how that's possible.
I just woke up fromom
Oh. I know who you' talking about.
They just le. Cute couple.
They really seemed into each other.
Hey, you're inferring.
Just stick to the facts. They left.
That's all you really know!
Oh, my god. It's her.
She's not allowed in here.
You bring me an entree the size of an appetizer,
You get what you deserve! Sorry.
+
This is gonna kill Annie.
When she finds out she slept with a married man.
Why would you assume she slept with him?
You've seen him.
I've already slept with him in my head four times
Since we left the restaurant.
The third time we focused mostly on his stuff.
Hi, guys. Hey.
What--what are you doing home so early?
You got bored? Annoyed?
Woozy from theanlwood?
No, he was amazing. We had a really great time.
He is so sweet and open and funny.
And married, so I guess that's over.
Wine, anyone?
Honey, I'm sorry.
I wanted to break it to you more gently.
No, it's okay. I already know.
Yeah. Alex told me after dinner.
He's recently separated.
So I decided until he sorts that out,
It's not a great idea for me to see him.
Are you okay?
Yeah. I really am.
I don't know what I was so nervous about.
Going out was really fun.
Just wish I knew what to do with my hands when I kiss.
Sit on them.
Otherwise, they will betray you.
You know what the best part of tonight was?
I think I finally let go of the jack thing.
Are you sure?
Yeah, and it feels really good.
Tonit made me realize that there are a lot of--
Lot of nice guys out there
That aren't my ex-husband's brother.
Sorry about the whole alex thing.
B orhard?
Red.
Wait a minute.
How do you two know that alex is married?
Well, um...
Uh...
I calledeoneo do a ound checkalex.
Why would you do tt?
Crazy, right?
Yes, I am crazy.
I guess I like you more than I want to admit.
I may even be in love wi you.
And you were really worried about sophie.
But I think we all know the truth.
All right.
I've got the water back on.
Annie... Jack.
Hey, hey, hey.
All right, all right, a right
Gary, careful.
Are you okay?
What's with the goofy smile?
There's something I need to say.
Me too! I'm secretly still in love with Gary, and i most have him right now.
I forget what I had to say.
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