Hey.
Hey, jack! How's my favorite ex-brother-in-law?
Why don't you sit down right there
And I'll get you a cup of coffee on the house?
Okay, either it's report card day,
Or I'm about to sit in a chair that you rigged to break.
Report card day.
The one time I have proof that my daughter isn't just evil,
She is an evil genius.
Hey, nikki.
Shut up.
Report card day's always a little tough on her.
It's just not fair-- the teachers are jealous
Of how pretty mackenzie is,
So they give her d's to keep her in her place!
Hey, mom, guess what happened in school today.
Don't care. Give me your grades.
Mackenzie, I'm so proud of you!
There are a couple of c's on here!
Way to go, mackenzie.
A "c" is a very respectable grade.
Oh, my god!
Sophie, there are two c's on here!
Are you on drugs?
Why is it okay for mackenzie to get c's and not me?
I'm not gonna get through that
While they're standing right there.
Sophie, you are a straight-"a" student.
I don't get this.
It's no big al.
Nobody cares about grades, anyway.
That's true.
I hear harvard's accepting people on a nice smile basis.
Well, it doesn't really matter,
Because I don't think I'm gonna go to college.
I'm going to be a fashion designer,
And they don't go to college.
Sophie, name one fashion designer
That didn't go to college.
Nicole richie, kim kardashian...
Sophie, all those people were celebrities to begin with.
I didn't realize you had a plan.
Me, either! I love it!
Let's got to the mall
Before the paparazzi makes it impossible.
I cannot believe sophie doesn't wanna go to college.
Why is that so surprising? Neither you or matt went.
Excuse me. I went to college. I was a straight-"a" student...
Till my freshman 15 turned out to be sophie.
For your information, I plan on going back to school
When I have the time.
Oh, I know, 'cause you keep saying it.
You said you were gonna go back
When sophie went to elementary school,
Then junior high, then high school.
So when's it gonna be?
When sophie is a celebrity,
And she's in rehab, and I have some time.
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Now that you're all here,
I have an announcement to make--
I have signed up for night classes
At austin community college,
So you canll go suck it.
Think that last part was meant for me.
I'm kind of excited.
I've always loved school. It's where I got to shine.
And read books that weren't in king james english.
Congratulations, annie.
If there's anything I can do to support you,
Just let me know.
Actually, sophie has a-a history project
Due in four days,
So I'm gonna need you to make sure that gets done,
Because I'm gonna be busy with classes.
Damn. Ever since you started college,
You've been dumping everything in my lap.
Gary, you're gonna have to help mackenzie out, too.
Why? What'd I do?
Weren't you listening? Annie and I are going back to school.
Nikki, why would you want to go back to college?
You already have your degree.
You went to college?
Of course I did. That's where I met gary.
She spent so much time in the cafeteria,
I thought she worked there.
And that turned me on.
Nikki, if you're gonna go with me,
You have to take this seriously.
It can't be like the time we went to yoga class
And you couldn't stop laughing at the instructor.
His junk was trying to escape through a hole in his tights.
It looked like a play-doh fun factory down there.
Okay, if you really wanna do this.
I do.
Okay. I'm taking algebra. Nope.
And accounting. Gross.
And spanish. Perfect.
It'll help me understand my telenovela.
My favorite character pepe
Is either being deported or he's growing wings.
Here's all the supplies the girls will need
For their projects.
They have two days
To build a historic texas landmark.
Which means you've got two days
To build a historic texas landmark.
Oh, no, no.
We're gonna supervise the girls.
We're not gonna do the work for them.
No, the problem with you guys is,
Mackenzie and sophie know how to manipulate you.
We cannot be played.
He's right. Tough love.
Those puppy dog eyes, and the "please, daddy, please,"
That won't work on us. Mm.
Okay.
Tell that to the cat, two dogs, and a lizard
Living at your house.
So... First day of school.
Now remember--don't be too eager with the other kids.
Let them come to you.
Do you have your class schedule?
Do you want me to pin it onto your jacket?
Well, I know you're making fun,
But... I've already done that.
You know what-- I don't get it, mom.
Why would you go to school if you don't have to?
Honey, it's never too late to learn.
Plus if I don't go with her, annie will find a better friend,
And I cannot let that happen.
Hey.
Wow, jack, nice backpack.
Do they make those for men, too? Pow!
Yes, actually, but this one is for you.
I wanted to give you something for your first day of school.
Oh, my god!
A backpack with my name on it!
I love it so much! I'm sorry I "pow"-ed you.
I've just been under a lot of pressure lately. Okay.
Bye, guys!
Good luck. Okay, have f.
Bye! Later.
Balsa wood? Glue? Pipe cleaners?
Are you guys starting the girls' project?
Lucky ducks!
What?
Oh, he loves this stuff.
He's a fanatic about school projects.
One summer, he built an insane model of versailles
Out of toothpicks and rhinestones.
Wow. What class was that for?
Class?
Hola, clase.
Welcome to spanish 101.
I am professor castillo.
I am glad you chose spanish as your second language.
I think you'll find it beneficial,
Especially here in texas,
Because--let's be honest-- we are taking it back.
Now why don't you introduce yourselves?
Start here and go around the room.
I'm jessica.
Okay. In this class, you'll be known as "yessica."
I'm josh.
Hola, yosh.
Hola!
Me llamo yannie.
Well, I like you taking the initiative,
But I can see by your backpack
That your name is annie, which translates to "anita."
Oh. Okay.
You kind of ambushed me there with the "yessica-yosh" stuff.
But, okay. Anita.
And you are?
Hola. Me llamo nikki.
Oh, okay. Well, you could either go with "nikita"
Or "nicoleta."
Prefiero "nikita" porque soy pequeña.
Muy bien... Nikita.
Your spanish is very good. Have you taken classes before?
No, but I watch a lot of telenovelas.
Mi programa favorito es "el amor..."
"y el peligro."
I love that show.
Can you believe poor pepe is growing wings?
I knew it!
So how's it going in here?
Yeah, I think I'm almost done.
What is that?
What do you mean? It's the highland mall.
They asked for a historic texas landmark.
Brandy haenick got her period in the food court.
It was totally historic.
Chuck rose gave her his jacket to tie around her waist,
And everyone knew that they were going to get married.
Yeah.
Even though the jacket around her waist
Made her butt look big. So big!
You know who else has a big butt?
Yes! Tanya! It's enormous!
Now quit stalling and pick a historic landmark.
I guess I could take the alamo.
Yeah, and I'll do this dumb oil derrick.
Okay! Great!
Let's fire up the glue guns!
Get started!
Can we take a break? I'm exhausted.
Are you kidding?
You did nothing.
We picked what we're doing.
Dad, don't you always say
That when you get an idea for a song,
It's best to walk away from it for a while,
Then it sort of writes itself?
Yeah. That's true.
I don't chase the song. The song chases me.
Dude, stay strong.
Yeah, and, daddy, I'm hungry,
And I can't think when I'm hungry.
Like you're gonna fall for that.
Naw, man, that's medical.
I got the same thing. Low blood sugar's no joke.
So... Can we just go get some frozen yogurt
For, like, 20 minutes? Please?
What do you wanna do?
I don't know.
I'm so hungry, I can't think.
And remember, when you say it, you roll your r's.
Repita, por favor--
Burrrrito. Yosh.
Burrrrito. Nice! Nikita.
Burrrrito.
Perfecto. Anita.
Burrito.
Okay. Why don't we try that one more time?
Burrito.
She's messing with me, right?
Nikita, show anita.
Burrrrito.
Burrito!
I'm saying what you're saying.
No. Like this-- look at my tongue.
Rrrrrrrrrrrrr
Err...
Okay. I think that's good for today.
Remember, read your chapters.
Anita, can I speak with you for a second?
Am I your favorite?
Do I get to erase the board?
No. No, no.
I-I just wanna talk to you,
Make sure you're not getting frustrated,
Because it's a new language,
And not everybody picks it up as quick as other people.
Like nikita. Muy bien.
Moi? Merci!
I watch a little french soft-core porn, too.
We shouldn't have taken the girls for yogurt last night.
It really put us behind.
No, what put us behind
Was going to the movies for research.
Do you think we got played?
We sat through a kate hudson movie.
We... Got... Played.
Now we only have one day to do the project.
"we"? They're gonna do it.
Yeah. You're right.
And if they don't, they get an "f."
Life lesson. Screw 'em.
How's school coming?
Good. Great. Burrito.
How are the girls doing with their projects?
Good.
Great. Burrito.
Okay, well, they better be,
Because it's worth half their grade.
I did not know that.
Not that it matters, 'cause we got this.
If we get started now,
We could have the projects done by midnight.
You mean the girls could have them done my midnight.
Dude, we are so past that.
Oh, my god, are the girls done with their projects?
Can I see them?
Man, seriously, what is wrong with you?
Hey. Came to see how your first day of school went.
Terrible.
You know, I spent the last 15 years
Thinking if I went back to college,
I would thrive. Guess what?
I am the dumbest person there.
That's too bad.
How did people like the backpack?
Jack, I'm serious. I'm nna fail.
And I don't want sophie to see me fail.
Oh, come on. There's no way
You're the worst person in there.
I mean, isn't nikki taking that class with you?
Hola, amigos, nikita en la casa!
ÿcomo estas, yack?
Wow.
Yep.
Nikki is the best one in the class.
When my clients smile at me like that, I call the guard.
Adios, muchacho.
Word of advice--
Ix-nay on the anish-spay
For your own afety-say.
Are you upset about something?
No, I just... Felt like you were taking over the class
And showing off in front of the teacher.
Frankly, I was a little embarrassed for you.
I don't get it! You're good at so many things,
And I'm always happy for you.
Now I'm good at one thing, and you can't let me have that?
I'm just not used to being the dumb one!
Wow.
"the dumb one"? Thank you very much.
That's not what I meant. Then what did you mean?
I'm the... Smart one.
ÿcomo te atreves?
Tu estas muerta para mi!
Muerta!
Hola, clase.
I hope everyone read chapters 1 and 2,
Because we're having a little pop quiz.
Quiz?
But wait. You didn't tell us there was gonna be a quiz.
If you had, I would have pinned it in my sweater.
Don't worry, anita,
Usually people who struggle verbally
Have an easier go with the written part.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
I'll probably do better at the written.
That's where I really shine.
Muerta.
Excuse me, professor?
My god, anita, are you okay?
Can I get you some water?
No, I'm fine.
Um, just a quick question--
Are you sure this is stuff from chapters 1 and 2
In our textbook?
Anita, let's forget about the quiz for a second.
Seriously, are you okay?
No, no. I'm fine. Just...
yeah. Okay.
Nikki.
Nikita!
Si?
What did you get for numbers 1...
Through 12?
Oh, you don't wanna copy off dumb old me.
Your rapidly spreading armpit stains
Tell me you've got this under control.
Come on, nikki.
I've never failed a test before.
Oh. That's how it's gonna be, huh?
That's cool.
Hey, yosh...
Help me out. Nikita's bein' a douche.
Come on, nikki, please? I am begging you.
I would give you the answers.
Okay, fine.
You're better at this than me.
Is that what you wanna hear?
Now please, just help me.
Fine. Number one is "b,"
La biblioteca.
Just tell me "a," "b," "c," or "d."
I don't care about all that other stuff.
Thank you.
Hola.
Dude, when you put the driveway gravel
On top of the clay--
That was a stroke of genius.
Well, using black licorice at the top of your oil derrick?
If that doesn't say "gusher," I don't know what does.
Look.
Oh, my god. Dad, what happened?
Did you drop it in the driveway?
This is horrible.
And this is...
What is this?
Girls, you're kind of bordering on hurting our feelings.
Bordering? I'm about to cry.
I can't turn this in. It's half my grade.
I'll never get into college.
I thought you said you weren't going.
That was last week.
How are we gonna fix these things?
It's impossible.
No one can build a decent project in 12 hours.
One man can.
I'm sorry to say that for the second time in history,
The alamo is lost.
But I can fix this.
Sophie, mackenzie, please get me some cotton balls,
Popsicle sticks, and brown sugar cubes,
Not white.
I cannot stress that enough.
+
Hello.
Hey.
I'm glad you stopped by.
Look, I feel really bad
About getting us kicked out of spanish class.
Yeah. That's $34 down the drain.
You know I don't think you're dumb, right?
It's just--I'm used to being the one
Who's always helping you out, and I like that.
And suddenly, I needed your help, and it just felt weird.
No, I get it.
You do help me out a lot--
Giving me parenting advice,
Helping me out of my skinny jeans...
Telling me which berries are safe to eat.
Just a rule of thumb--don't eat berries you find outside.
See, like that.
If I didn't have you, I'd be lying in a bush, dead,
In a pair of half-pulled up skinny jeans.
But I have to admit, I was looking forward
To helping you out for a change.
Well...
I'm still taking algebra and accounting
If you want to take one of those with me.
Oh, god, no. I only went with you
To make sure you didn't meet a new friend,
But now that I've seen you in class--not a problem.
Oh, my god. Look who's here.
Ay, dios mio!
Oh, hi, nikki. Annie, you work here?
I had no idea.
Who am I kidding? I walked into 12 other coffee shops
Before here, and I am speeding like a madman.
Really? Why?
Because I wanted to see you
And, um, tell you how sorry I felt about how things ended up.
And if it were up to me, you'd still be in the class,
But when yosh went to the administration,
My hands were tied.
Yosh esta muerto!
Anyway, um, I'm actually kinda glad
That you're not in my class anymore.
Because I sweat so much.
I'm not gonna lie, I-I find that alarming.
But now that you're no longer my student...
I'm just wondering if you'd like to go out sometime.
Oh, yeah. Sure, that might be nice.
We could maybe do that sometime.
Great. I'll give you my number.
And, uh, when you're ready...
Give me a call.
Okay.
I will do that, professor cast-illo.
Uh, you can call me alex.
Your name is alex?
It's actually alejandro,
But... I don't think you're ready for that.
They gave you b's?
That's it? Are they insane?
B's? What's wrong with b's? B's are fine.
"B's are fine."
Do you know who says that? "c" students.
B's are for losers.
I mean, what got an "a"?
Did someone bring in the actual alamo?
It's okay, uncle jack.
No, it's not. The oil derrick gushes real oil.
Did you show her? Did you turn it on?!
Daddy, he's scaring me.
Jack, you're scaring my baby.
Walk it off, buddy.
I don't understand.
The world doesn't make sense to me anymore.
You got a's, didn't you?
Yeah. But dad paid us $20 not to tell uncle jack.
That is cruel.
I wish I'd have thought of it.
Let's see if this thing works.
Oh.
Ohh!
That magnificent bastard.
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