Yo, dig this...
Eugene Gurkin was a janitor
Cleaning toilets for the men.
Sleeking and Flushing
Then he decided that he had enough,
got a crew and made a plan.
(now they are) Knights of prosperity
Robing to the rich to give to themselves. Knights of prosperity!
We're the Knights baby!
Ladies and gentlemens
We are gathered here this morning for a meeting of the upmost importance.
The Knights of Prosperity have to choose an official team song.
Gary, drop some signs songs.
"Smuggler's Blues" by Glenn Frey.
- Why that piece of crap? - Because it is about criminals.
- It's about smuggler's, so they are thieves. - That is Glenn Frey problem, not mine.
Why bother. You probably got the song picked out. Right chief?
Guilty as charged.
Louis...
A modern-day warrior mean mean stride, todays tom sawyer mean mean pride.
Though his mind is not for rent
Don't put him down as arrogant.
His reserve, a quiet defense,
Riding out the days events.
The river. And what you say about his company, is what you say about society...
Ok, enough. Are we here for singing or for robbing Mick Yagger?
The two are not mutually exclusive...
His appartement is swarming with armed guards.
What is our strategy?
I figured we'd just sneak up on him.
And how do we sneak up on them when there's a lockdoor on the way whith a thumprint sensor?
Anybody?
Tepito?
Whow, we got company, come on, cover, cover, cover.
Louis, get rid of the intruder.
Why me?
You're expandable!
Simone?
Oh god! Simone Cashwell from the security company.
Hello.
Louis Plunk.
She knows my real name!
It's time to lawyer up.
Manhathan? Yes, Robert and Sapiro ?
What the hell are you doing?
What are you doing here?
You left this at my appartement last night.
Oh my wallet, thanks.
But how did you find this place?
There was a note in there with this adress on it.
So...
Who are you? Why did you lie to me?
And what are you doing in this crippy wharehouse.
Well... this is... hum...
- Ok... - Welcome, welcome, welcome!
Welcome to Glickman's Jewish Supply Warehouse.
Yeah, I'm Glickman...
Yentle Glickman. How can I help you?
Actually, I was just here for Louis.
- My stockboy? - Oh, well last night he said he was a millionaire playboy.
Louis, hum...
Why would you lie to such a beautiful young girl?
More importantly Louis, is she jewish?
Sir, is that a coffee filter on your head?
Oh, *mot yiddish* how rud of me, I should have offered you some breakfast!
No, no, I really... I have...
A young skinny goy like yourself! You need a nice... what do you like? A nice... Perhaps would you like a nice Shmir.
- No, no, a nice Shmir. - No!
Oh, well, suit yourself. A'salamalecoum.
Dad Yentle! He loves the kibbits.
Thank you for stoping by.
All clear!
Brillant impro' chief!
You deserve a daytime Emmy.
Yo! There's a big ass thumbprint in the Cream Cheese!
Oh sorry about that Rockefeller!
Speaking at thumbprints, how could we get pass of Mick Jagger thumbprint sensor?
Damn, if only we had the thumbprint of someone with security clearance!
I get it now! You are good, you are good!
Eugene Gurkins, your are a henius.
Well, thank you, milady.
But how do we get the thumbprint out of the creem cheese?
Is anyone here having a dental coverage?
Great shot Gary! That fake thumb will get us pass the thumprint sensor, no problem!
Yeah, and until the waiting on of guards knows how many goons with guns?
God knows and so does this little pal Eugene because Rockfeller and i staked out Mick's appartment last night.
We stoked out... stoke out... stoke...
Ok anyway, we were watching the comings and goings to the guards.
From 3 to 4 AM, there is only 2 guards in position. That gives us a 1 hour strike zone.
Exactly, there's only 2 of them and there's 6 of us, ok so we use the thumbprint,
we sneak up on 'em and we disarm them.
Yeah, I don't know chief. How may we explain a gunshot?
Squatch, we can do this thing, all right we are street guys!
Remember when i said you were a Henius?
uh, yes
You are an idiot!
I grew up in the streets of Kartahinas, surrounded by dogs and murdurers.
My boyfriend Enrico once slashed a man's throat with a debit card.
You know, in the future when you tell that story
i will talk it credit card
Look, I know street guys. No offense,
but you are not street guys.
All right, what do want us to do?
This!
"The Learning Annex, 50 Ways to Reduce Closet Clutter"
Turn the page.
Get in Fighting Shape with Hawthorne Jansen
World-Famous Expert on
Security and Self Defense
I consulted on the movie Panic Room.
It was my idee do have a Panic Room within the Panic Room within the Panic Room
Kind of like rushing nesting dolls
They didn't use that, the movie suffered.
I put together personal security programs for some of Hollywood biggest names.
Your... Helen? Your... Ian Ziering? Your... Weird Al's Yankovic.
You know Weird Al? Is he weird in person or is it weird just in act?
It's a wrong question
Sorry.
The real question is, has he ever been romped?
Not on my watch.
Has he ever been murdered?
Not on my watch.
Has he ever been raped?
That between him and his god. I need a volunteer.
You.
Me?
Miss, come on please.
What's your name?
- Esperanza. - Ifperanda.
That means "hope", right?
Si.
Well, "Hope", you'll be kind enough to help me demonstrate some of my... Self-Defense techniques?
- I'd be delighted. - Ok.
Let me have your arm.
Can you believe this loser, come on.
Pay attention, "street guy".
Now, imagine I'm taking it behind you like this.
Nice moves.
Maybe i should sit down and let you teach class...
Maybe you should.
I'm a real cool guy.
I pretend to know how to fight so I can hit a hot chick, yeah.
I mean, what a loser!
I thought he was a cop delivering public speaking.
Oh! Positions! Cover the table!
Oh esperanza, hey!
What's he doing here?
Hawthorne agreed to give us our own private lesson.
- These here are your friends? - Yeah.
You, naughty girl!
Sometimes naughty,
sometimes nice,
I don't like to talk about this publicly, but...
Some years ago, for a week, I was at head of a local security for Frank Sinatra...
Junior... And I learned a lot of valuable lessons as far as taking care...
Look, we'd love to hear the "wherefores" and "why not" of your travels and adventures, but can we cut to hard stage, please?
We need to learn how to disarm two guys with guns.
You.
Stand up, please.
Take this gun and hold it on me.
Like this?
Pressure points and the element of surprise.
Thank you.
That was impressive.
I'd like to see you try that on my friend Rockefeller butt here.
Pressure points... element of surprise.
Fantastic.
He's so cool.
Bringing in the sea...
Unfortunatly, the element of surprise is used not on me.
My training is suggest to be prepared for any eventualities.
No matter how sudden.
Question Sir.
You say you're not susceptible to the element of surprise.
Well, that's the case how then do you explain this...
Excellent, excellent!
Do you want to play games or want learn how to fight?
No, no, I want to...
learn how to fight.
Ok, here is what we gonna do.
I'm gonna give you all intercourse in...
the art of defense and attack.
When you're done you will no longer be people.
You will be trained weapons.
Are you ready?
Well done people, good, hard work, very... very nice.
Come on over here, let's talk about it.
Hawthorne, thank you, you are wonderfull.
Well... So are you.
Well Well Well well well well Bravo
Thank you, thank you Hawthorne
for covering some very basic and rudimentary ground
and if you just step aside, now I'll take over and
we will deal with some other final more sophisticated points of self defense
okay, but you deserve hand thank you.
What are you gonna teach'em?
Well, I'd like to focus more on the "mental preparazione".
Kind of in the Eastern philosphy so you might not understand.
Yeah, eastern left it's boulevard.
I'd love to see what you got.
Ok,
well then meet me outside in 5 minutes,
and I'll show you what I've got...
Like in 20, ok?
Count to even 30...
or I just... I'll call you, actually, when I am ready.
Welcome!
The mind my friends is a terrible thing to waste.
And if you think education is expensive,
try ignorance.
Excuse me. What is this?
Hot coals, my dear esperanza, a bed of hot coals.
And what are we supposed to do with these hot coals, please tell.
We're gonna walk across them bare foot
Yeah, I'm gonna pass on that.
How is walking across hot coals gonna help us do what we have to do?
Because it will mentally prepare us to do what we have to do.
If you think you can do it, you can do it.
I saw it on "Survivor".
They use special television coals!
Okay, I'm gonna go.
Okay, see that doesn't surprise me. I knew you wouldn't get it!
Wanna walk me to my car?
Sure.
But Esperanza... Okay
I'm walking on hot coals now!
Oh Jesus, yes!
Esperanza! I am alive!
My soul is free!
Oh my God, I'm in intense physical pain!
Eugene!
It's open.
How are the dogs ?
Tender
Listen, I have a friendly advice...
Keep your eyes on the price.
What?
After we rob Mick Jagger we're gonna have so many broads,
they're gonna have to put velvet robes around your ass.
What are you saying?
Ok.
I'm saying...
Forget about Esperanza for now, okay? We can't afford to have you distracted.
Esperanza?
What are you talking about, Esperanza?
All that I'm saying is that when guys stop thinking with their brains
and they start thinking with their old pitily dunk,
they do stupid things.
Okay, well, thank you very much doctor "Joys Brothers", okay?
But Eugene Gurkin never done nothing stupid for any broad!
You got jealous and burnt your feet off!
I did what I did to help the K.O.P
mentally prepared to rob mick jagger, that's it!
No! You did what you did because Esperanza is got rock that can be seen from space!
Okay! A: my relationship with esperanza is purely professional, okay?
And B: even if I had feelings for the young lady, which I don't!
They would not be based on mere physic qualities!
I apologize.
Are we done here?
We're done!
Allright guys listen up!
With this key, the code and the thumb print,
I'll get in and leave the door prompt open for the rest of you.
When I go in and say "Ho, it's so good to be home!",
that's the cue for you guys to rush in and descend the guards.
Any questions?
Are the guards mentally ill?
What?
How are they supposed to believe that you are mick jagger in that ridiculous mask?
This mask is only supposed to get me pass the security cameras
Once I'm face to face, it serves an entirely different purpose.
Excuse me but, what is the purpose of that?
Shokin' on!
That thumb don't look natural!
Exactly! That's part of the masterplan brother Butts!
Hey, wait a minute! you're not the real mick jagger,
and that thumb is very confusing to me, and kaboum!
We're on top of 'em, we surprise and pressure points,
and the mental preparation that is derived
for walking on hot coals
which is a thrill that only Louis and I have experience.
Jackass and jackass Jr.
Hey Squatch Squatch.
If something happen to me up there, right?
I want you to put on my tomb stone in big fat letters.
"Died robbing Mick Jagger" So at least people know I went for it, all right?
And if you die and we get away.
That tomb stone will draw unnecessary attention to us.
- Cry not loud, Gary - What? I cannot make a promiss
and then he is dead, I cannot keep the promiss
and we should talk about it now.
- And do not call me Gary - Ok, let's do this thing.
Euh, seriously, what about that tomb stone?
Wo, wo, wo, wait a minute!
That's Nath Pran, that's Mick's housewife.
I recognize him from TV.
Oh oh, mayday! I think he sees the mask.
Damn straight, he's got four security guards with him.
Why four? They were supposed to be two!
Ok let's go back to "Glickmans" and re-think this thing, come on, go.
- Hey Mick Jagger! Can we get a picture? - No, no men i'm not Mick,
I'm just a guy who wear a mask.
Well I know, I'm not the hell wasted!
- Come on, get a photo of me and Mick Jagger, all right?
Get off me!
It's Mick Jagger
We will take it from here Sir. You! Stop.
What it this all about?
Sir, I'm gonna ask you once and only once.
What are you doing in front of Mick Jagger's building dressed as Mick Jagger?
Euh... Euh... I'm a superfan?
That was a disaster.
It was a start a hedge fund.
- Those guys make millions! - What's the hedge fund?
- I have no idea. - What are we doing here?
This is where Mick's guards hang out
and there are two at the bar, right now.
What we get to figure out is what they up security.
But listen even if there are four now.
- there is six of us, right? - Two guards, four guards,
and an unexpecting boy in the white suit.
We do not do what we are doing.
Yeah Euge', it's time to give up.
I don't know Squatch, maybe you're right.
Hey would you boys mind if we bought the lady a drink?
No thank you.
Oh come on, just one drink.
Maybe you didn't heard the lady, she said "no thank you".
I wasn't talking to you.
- So what do you say? - Come on honey let's go.
Pressure points and surprise!
Yeah, and the exactitude of mental preparation
that only walking on hot coals provide.
we are the knights!
Thank you street guy.
That was some pretty sweet stuff.
- Have you do any security work? - So?
If you're interrested, give me a call.
Gentlemen, let us please refrain from any outwork display of emotion,
But note that one Rockefeller Butts was just offering a employment to Mick Jagger apartment.
and The Knights of Prosperity are back in buisness!
Yes!
These are some tasty ass peanuts!
Allo?
Hi, Hawthorne, how are you?
Hey Eugene. How much does a massages cost?
I'm think about investing in one.
I don't know Squatch
Thank you so much, bye!
That was Hawthorne. He wanted me to go with him to the "pokonos".
Good to get a lot of... nice ressources out there.
You think I would go with him?
Who kind of woman do you think I am, Eugene?
I don't know. You guys seem prety friendly, I mean...
If I wasn't friendly, would he teach us how to fight?
Wo, yeah, right...
Besides, I'm looking for a new life.
The last thing I want is a new man.
Oh yeah you want to focus, keep your eyes on the price.
Exactly.
The question is:
Will those two guys ever try to pick up another girl in a bar again?
- Not this bar! - No, no!
No, I think the real question is how come they ask Rockeffeller to be part of the security, him and not me?
Because I'm a three hundred pound black guy.
Here is to the black guy!