1
00:00:06,826 --> 00:00:09,938
[ARCHER mumbling]
2
00:00:10,069 --> 00:00:14,215
ARCHER: Woodhouse, you you sneaky old fiend...
WOODHOUSE: Happy birthday, sir!
3
00:00:14,335 --> 00:00:15,701
ARCHER: Thanks, Woodhouse.
4
00:00:15,703 --> 00:00:17,669
This is amazing, seriously,
you outdid yourself.
5
00:00:17,671 --> 00:00:19,658
WOODHOUSE: That's not all, sir!
6
00:00:22,082 --> 00:00:25,012
I, er... sorry about that.
7
00:00:25,014 --> 00:00:26,480
ARCHER: It's okay, I'll just
wait here while you go
8
00:00:26,482 --> 00:00:29,015
make me a whole new birthday
breakfast not covered in garbage.
9
00:00:29,017 --> 00:00:32,654
WOODHOUSE: It's not garbage sir, it's--
ARCHER: Scraps of paper, Woodhouse,
10
00:00:32,656 --> 00:00:35,223
which by any definition,
yes, is garbage.
11
00:00:35,225 --> 00:00:38,728
WOODHOUSE: Afraid I don't have the
ingredients to recreate this
12
00:00:38,730 --> 00:00:40,363
exact breakfast, sir.
13
00:00:40,365 --> 00:00:43,334
ARCHER: Ugh, okay then, uh...
Nutella waffles.
14
00:00:43,336 --> 00:00:45,436
WOODHOUSE: Mmmm...
ARCHER: Damn it.
15
00:00:45,438 --> 00:00:46,738
Nutella steak-and-eggs?
16
00:00:46,740 --> 00:00:48,641
WOODHOUSE: Today's my shopping day.
17
00:00:48,643 --> 00:00:52,278
ARCHER: Why do you even bother...living.
18
00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:54,147
ARCHER: No time to talk, Popeye.
19
00:00:54,149 --> 00:00:55,983
It's my birthdayyy.
20
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Were you going to say Happy Birthday?
21
00:00:57,519 --> 00:00:58,185
Don't bother.
22
00:00:58,187 --> 00:01:00,754
Happy Birthday to me.
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00:01:00,756 --> 00:01:03,491
POPEYE: Hmm-Mmm.
24
00:01:03,493 --> 00:01:06,894
ARCHER: I wonder what the guys in the
office have planned for my birthday.
25
00:01:06,896 --> 00:01:11,465
Wonder if Fudgie the Whale
will be there or Cookie Puss.
26
00:01:11,467 --> 00:01:12,533
Cookie Puss.
27
00:01:12,535 --> 00:01:16,837
Those guys at Carvel
know what they're doing.
28
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ARCHER: Paging Dr. Boy!
29
00:01:18,308 --> 00:01:20,908
Dr. Birthday Boy!
30
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Ahem.
31
00:01:32,992 --> 00:01:34,725
So, what're you ladies up to?
32
00:01:34,727 --> 00:01:36,627
CHERYL/CAROL: Cleaning out
the stupid file room.
33
00:01:36,629 --> 00:01:37,094
ARCHER: Oh yeah?
34
00:01:37,096 --> 00:01:38,962
Any particular reason?
35
00:01:38,964 --> 00:01:40,531
PAM: It's full of shit?
36
00:01:40,533 --> 00:01:42,566
LANA: Speaking of, is that Archer?
37
00:01:42,568 --> 00:01:47,738
ARCHER: Yes, but I have to warn you...
I don't like... surprises?
38
00:01:47,740 --> 00:01:50,174
CYRIL: Or doing your share
of work apparently.
39
00:01:50,176 --> 00:01:50,774
ARCHER: Who likes that?
40
00:01:50,776 --> 00:01:53,243
MALORY: You'd better start, because
a lot of this junk is yours.
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00:01:53,245 --> 00:01:54,411
Now get to work.
44
00:01:57,549 --> 00:01:59,016
ARCHER: My never mind!
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Because here's nothing special
about today whatsoever, Mother!
46
00:02:02,155 --> 00:02:05,558
MALORY: Oh, I wouldn't say that...
ARCHER: I -- wait, really?
47
00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:06,259
[FIRE ALARM blaring]
48
00:02:06,261 --> 00:02:08,394
MALORY: Yes, it's the
quarterly fire drill.
49
00:02:08,396 --> 00:02:09,762
Let's go, people!
50
00:02:09,764 --> 00:02:11,698
Get the lead out!
51
00:02:11,700 --> 00:02:15,436
GILLETTE: Ferris Bueller you're my heeero...
ARCHER: Shut up.
52
00:02:15,438 --> 00:02:18,005
Hang on, does nobody seriously
know what today is?!
53
00:02:18,007 --> 00:02:18,639
PAM: Tuesday?
54
00:02:18,641 --> 00:02:19,273
CHERYL/CAROL: The Rapture?
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MALORY: Come on, people.
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Look alive.
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00:02:21,411 --> 00:02:24,212
I never remember it taking so long.
58
00:02:24,214 --> 00:02:26,714
ARCHER: Well maybe that's because
you never remember anything!
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00:02:26,716 --> 00:02:28,516
So -- Oh my God!
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00:02:28,518 --> 00:02:31,630
EVERYBODY: Surpriiise!
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00:02:31,750 --> 00:02:34,465
ARCHER: I -- is that -- what -- Mother...?
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00:02:34,585 --> 00:02:36,590
MALORY: Happy birthday, dear.
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00:02:36,592 --> 00:02:39,760
ARCHER: [about to cry noise]
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GILLETTE: Ow!
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00:02:41,631 --> 00:02:42,705
I think.
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00:02:42,940 --> 00:02:53,300
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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00:03:18,535 --> 00:03:21,738
ARCHER: I can feel it.
68
00:03:21,740 --> 00:03:26,010
I can feel your power.
69
00:03:26,012 --> 00:03:27,211
What's that?
70
00:03:27,213 --> 00:03:28,779
You want me inside you?
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00:03:28,781 --> 00:03:30,414
MALORY: Sterling.
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00:03:30,416 --> 00:03:31,215
ARCHER: You know my name?
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00:03:31,217 --> 00:03:32,250
MALORY: Sterling!
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00:03:32,252 --> 00:03:32,650
ARCHER: Hm?
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00:03:32,652 --> 00:03:34,185
Oh, sorry.
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00:03:34,187 --> 00:03:35,487
MALORY: I believe a "thank you"
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00:03:35,489 --> 00:03:36,588
is in order.
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00:03:36,590 --> 00:03:39,324
ARCHER: Mother, oh my
God, yes, thank you!
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00:03:39,326 --> 00:03:43,161
MALORY: And not just - well, mostly me,
of course, but Dr. Krieger helped too.
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00:03:43,163 --> 00:03:47,231
KRIEGER: Well, only if by "helped" you mean...
[Car starts]
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00:03:47,233 --> 00:03:51,302
Oversaw the design the world's
most insanely kickass spy car.
82
00:03:51,304 --> 00:03:52,703
ARCHER: It's a spy car?
83
00:03:52,705 --> 00:03:53,938
KRIEGER: Lana?
84
00:03:53,940 --> 00:03:54,705
ARCHER: Wh-?
85
00:03:54,707 --> 00:03:55,706
Lana, noooooooooo!
86
00:03:55,708 --> 00:03:57,341
[GUN FIRING]
87
00:03:57,343 --> 00:04:00,044
BRETT: Gagh!
88
00:04:00,046 --> 00:04:00,979
ARCHER: Holy shit!
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00:04:00,981 --> 00:04:03,248
BRETT: Yeah, I'm like a magnet.
90
00:04:03,250 --> 00:04:04,149
ARCHER: Brett, shut up.
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00:04:04,151 --> 00:04:05,450
What else does it do?
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00:04:05,452 --> 00:04:07,085
KRIEGER: Press that red button?
93
00:04:07,087 --> 00:04:09,755
ARCHER: I -- wait, is it
gonna kill everybody?
94
00:04:09,757 --> 00:04:11,324
KRIEGER: Press that blue button?
95
00:04:11,326 --> 00:04:14,361
MODEL: Welcome, Mr. Archer...
ARCHER: It does know my name!
96
00:04:14,363 --> 00:04:18,466
MODEL: To the Dodge Challenger Special
Agent Edition, brought to you by Dodge.
97
00:04:18,468 --> 00:04:19,167
ARCHER: Thanks, Dodge!
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00:04:19,169 --> 00:04:23,238
MODEL: Featuring a 440 V8 engine,
six speed manual transmission,
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00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:25,640
and a top speed of 185.
100
00:04:25,642 --> 00:04:26,874
Heavy-duty suspension.
101
00:04:26,876 --> 00:04:28,176
Runflat tires.
102
00:04:28,178 --> 00:04:30,679
Bulletproof body panels and windows.
103
00:04:30,681 --> 00:04:33,915
Twin thirty-cal machine guns
mounted in the front...
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00:04:33,917 --> 00:04:38,386
antipursuit countermeasures
in the rear.
105
00:04:38,388 --> 00:04:40,888
ARCHER: It makes the
Mach-5 look like a vagina!
106
00:04:40,890 --> 00:04:45,193
MODEL: The interior boasts mil-spec
GPS, satellite communications,
107
00:04:45,195 --> 00:04:49,398
hi-fi stereo, rich Corinthian leather...
ARCHER: Corinth is famous for
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00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:49,998
its leather!
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00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:53,936
MODEL: And of course...
ARCHER: Aaaaaaaaagh!
110
00:04:53,938 --> 00:04:56,239
LAWYER: The in-dash bar is to be stocked
with non-alcoholic beverages only.
111
00:04:56,241 --> 00:04:56,973
Dodge cannot stress this enough.
112
00:04:56,975 --> 00:04:58,675
Never ever ever drink and drive.
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00:04:58,677 --> 00:05:01,544
MALORY: Now Sterling, listen to me.
114
00:05:01,546 --> 00:05:04,079
ARCHER: It's like seeing the face of God...
MALORY: Sterling!
115
00:05:04,081 --> 00:05:04,513
ARCHER: What?
116
00:05:04,515 --> 00:05:08,417
MALORY: This car cost me a lot of money,
so you have to take proper care of it.
117
00:05:08,419 --> 00:05:08,884
ARCHER: I will!
118
00:05:08,886 --> 00:05:10,519
MALORY: And if you crash it --
ARCHER: I won't!
119
00:05:10,521 --> 00:05:13,923
MALORY: Or God forbid, if you get it stolen--
ARCHER: I won't!
120
00:05:13,925 --> 00:05:16,191
MALORY: You won't ever get another one.
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00:05:16,193 --> 00:05:20,329
ARCHER: Mother I promise, I'll take
the best care of it of anything ever.
122
00:05:20,331 --> 00:05:21,396
MALORY: You'd better.
123
00:05:21,398 --> 00:05:22,163
PAM: Well c'mon!
124
00:05:22,165 --> 00:05:23,365
Give your mom a hug!
125
00:05:23,367 --> 00:05:27,369
MALORY: Oh, no, I don't think that's really--
ARCHER: Possible.
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00:05:27,371 --> 00:05:28,170
At all.
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00:05:28,172 --> 00:05:28,704
MALORY: Why not?
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00:05:28,706 --> 00:05:30,672
ARCHER: Um...
LANA: Ugh, he's got an erection.
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00:05:30,674 --> 00:05:32,874
EVERYBODY: Murmuring.
130
00:05:32,876 --> 00:05:35,411
ARCHER: Sorry, it's this
Corinthian leather.
131
00:05:35,413 --> 00:05:37,346
In my new Dodge Challengerrrrrrr!
132
00:05:37,348 --> 00:05:38,280
[TIRES SQUEAL]
133
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[GLASS BREAKING]
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[CAR BRAKES]
135
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ARCHER: Forgot to close the bar.
136
00:05:48,260 --> 00:05:52,396
In my new Dodge Challengerrrrrrr!
137
00:05:52,398 --> 00:05:55,199
LANA: Wow, so how much
did Dodge kick in?
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00:05:55,201 --> 00:05:59,637
MALORY: Not as much as you'd think.
139
00:05:59,639 --> 00:06:02,807
ARCHER: So, I hope this doesn't sound weird...
But I kinda wanna have
140
00:06:02,809 --> 00:06:03,474
sex with you.
141
00:06:03,476 --> 00:06:05,976
Is that alright?
142
00:06:05,978 --> 00:06:06,310
Ugh!
143
00:06:06,312 --> 00:06:07,378
Seriously Dodge?
144
00:06:07,380 --> 00:06:08,546
Apple juice?
145
00:06:08,548 --> 00:06:12,616
Not you the car, obviously, but
you the blonde genie-woman
146
00:06:12,618 --> 00:06:14,952
who lives inside you that talks.
147
00:06:14,954 --> 00:06:17,388
So, what do I call you?
148
00:06:17,390 --> 00:06:17,855
Hello?
149
00:06:17,857 --> 00:06:20,791
Jeannie, it's me, master.
150
00:06:20,793 --> 00:06:23,727
I -- wait a minute, was that
just a lame pre-recorded video?
151
00:06:23,729 --> 00:06:25,596
Or are you pouting for some reason?
152
00:06:25,598 --> 00:06:26,497
[POLICE SIRENS]
153
00:06:26,499 --> 00:06:31,336
ARCHER: Fine, then pout!
154
00:06:31,338 --> 00:06:34,706
But that totally wasn't my fault...
You shouldn't even be
155
00:06:34,708 --> 00:06:37,942
able to put the car in
gear with the bar open!
156
00:06:37,944 --> 00:06:43,314
Besides the danger of drunk driving...
It's obviously a huge design flaw!
157
00:06:43,316 --> 00:06:46,017
Which is why now you're all sticky!
158
00:06:46,019 --> 00:06:47,885
Which, sorry for that.
159
00:06:47,887 --> 00:06:52,723
Once we get you parked I'll clean you up
and wipe you down with a fine chamois.
160
00:06:52,725 --> 00:06:56,493
And also quit talking to you,
because now I'm pretty sure that
161
00:06:56,495 --> 00:06:59,530
was just a recording.
162
00:06:59,532 --> 00:07:02,200
I mean... it was, right?
163
00:07:02,202 --> 00:07:05,070
Whatever, either way I'm done talking.
164
00:07:05,072 --> 00:07:07,773
ARCHER: Oh, come on, it's full?
165
00:07:07,775 --> 00:07:10,276
Damn it, guess I'll have
to park on the street.
166
00:07:10,278 --> 00:07:14,614
MALORY: if you get it stolen...
you won't ever get another one.
167
00:07:14,616 --> 00:07:15,414
[CAR BRAKING]
168
00:07:15,416 --> 00:07:17,583
ARCHER: I heard you, Mother!
169
00:07:17,585 --> 00:07:25,558
Somehow...
ARCHER: Uh, duh duh duh duh duh... ooo!
170
00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:28,160
ARCHER: Hiya, neighbor!
171
00:07:34,535 --> 00:07:37,302
The grappling hook
detaches from my end?
172
00:07:37,304 --> 00:07:40,205
Way to think it through, Dodge.
173
00:07:40,207 --> 00:07:42,574
ARCHER: So, clean all the broken
glass and the sticky apple juice,
174
00:07:42,576 --> 00:07:46,445
then I need all new glassware,
some real liquor... Uh... oh!
175
00:07:46,447 --> 00:07:48,214
There's a grappling hook
in the street, get that,
176
00:07:48,216 --> 00:07:50,116
and then find out where
to buy caltrops.
177
00:07:50,118 --> 00:07:51,184
WOODHOUSE: Caltrops?
178
00:07:51,186 --> 00:07:52,652
ARCHER: Yeah, caltrops.
179
00:07:52,654 --> 00:07:53,953
Try, maybe...
180
00:07:53,955 --> 00:07:56,189
"area denial weapons dot com."
181
00:07:56,191 --> 00:07:59,159
WOODHOUSE: Very good, sir.
182
00:07:59,161 --> 00:08:00,227
[PHONE RINGS]
183
00:08:00,229 --> 00:08:03,430
ARCHER: Oh, did you decide
to start talking to me?
184
00:08:03,432 --> 00:08:06,333
Nothing, Woodhouse, what do you want?
185
00:08:06,335 --> 00:08:08,235
Ugh, it's black?
186
00:08:08,237 --> 00:08:09,203
Powerful?
187
00:08:09,205 --> 00:08:10,036
Sexy?
188
00:08:10,038 --> 00:08:13,206
Like if Ron O'Neal was a car?
189
00:08:13,208 --> 00:08:15,141
What?
190
00:08:15,143 --> 00:08:22,247
ARCHER: No... No, no, no, no...
Noooooooo!
191
00:08:26,624 --> 00:08:29,669
ARCHER: No, no, no, no...
WOODHOUSE: Sir?
192
00:08:29,789 --> 00:08:32,996
- What are you --
- I thought, maybe she had some sort of,
193
00:08:32,998 --> 00:08:34,690
cloak, cloaking de-hi-hiiice!
194
00:08:34,810 --> 00:08:37,725
WOODHOUSE: No, then I'd be standing in it...
ARCHER: You!
195
00:08:37,850 --> 00:08:39,115
ARCHER: What'd you do with Jeannie?
196
00:08:39,117 --> 00:08:40,016
WOODHOUSE: Steady on, sir!
197
00:08:40,018 --> 00:08:42,652
ARCHER: I swear to God I'll
scoop out whatever organs you
198
00:08:42,654 --> 00:08:45,655
have left and aaaaaghhh!
199
00:08:45,657 --> 00:08:48,858
WOODHOUSE: Sorry sir, you
were going all Bilboey.
200
00:08:48,860 --> 00:08:50,126
ARCHER: I'm sorry.
201
00:08:50,128 --> 00:08:51,030
Woodhouse.
202
00:08:51,150 --> 00:08:52,428
Can I see that can for a sec?
203
00:08:52,430 --> 00:08:53,362
WOODHOUSE: No, sir!
204
00:08:53,364 --> 00:08:57,600
ARCHER: I just wanted to read the warning
label about in case of eye contact!
205
00:08:57,602 --> 00:09:01,670
WOODHOUSE: You did not, you were
going to spray me in the eyes!
206
00:09:01,672 --> 00:09:03,606
ARCHER: I totally was.
207
00:09:03,608 --> 00:09:06,676
ARCHER: Oh my God, okay, I gotta think...
Would you stop?
208
00:09:06,678 --> 00:09:08,212
WOODHOUSE: They look pretty bad, sir.
209
00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:08,679
ARCHER: Really?
210
00:09:08,681 --> 00:09:11,148
Because they feel great!
211
00:09:11,150 --> 00:09:12,616
Okay, so obviously Jeannie was stolen.
212
00:09:12,618 --> 00:09:14,952
And who steals cars, Woodhouse?
213
00:09:14,954 --> 00:09:17,355
WOODHOUSE: Jippos.
214
00:09:17,357 --> 00:09:18,490
ARCHER: Car thieves.
215
00:09:18,492 --> 00:09:22,527
And this was obviously a ring
of very high-end car thieves.
216
00:09:22,529 --> 00:09:25,630
So now I have to go undercover
in the high-end car-thief...
217
00:09:25,632 --> 00:09:28,233
whatever, underworld,
and steal Jeannie back!
218
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:31,168
WOODHOUSE: Sounds dangerous, sir.
219
00:09:31,170 --> 00:09:34,205
Not nearly as dangerous as Mother
finding out I lost my birthday present.
220
00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:35,906
YOUNG ARCHER: [quiet crying/sniffling]
221
00:09:35,908 --> 00:09:36,707
[DOOR OPENING]
222
00:09:36,709 --> 00:09:37,808
MALORY: Sterling.
223
00:09:37,810 --> 00:09:39,076
YOUNG ARCHER: Y-yes, Mother?
224
00:09:39,078 --> 00:09:40,877
MALORY: Where is your new bicycle?
225
00:09:40,879 --> 00:09:43,146
YOUNG ARCHER: [choked sob]
226
00:09:43,148 --> 00:09:46,951
MALORY: That's what I thought...
ARCHER: And you let her do it.
227
00:09:46,953 --> 00:09:49,320
- I --
- I'm kidding, you couldn't have stopped her,
228
00:09:49,322 --> 00:09:51,756
she would've snapped your spine.
229
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:54,760
You are just... tiny.
230
00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:55,628
ARCHER: Lana!
231
00:09:55,630 --> 00:09:56,929
Whaddya know, whaddya say?
232
00:09:56,931 --> 00:10:03,336
LANA: I know you're about to ask me for
a favor, and I say, wait for it...
233
00:10:03,338 --> 00:10:05,138
ARCHER: I --
LANA: Wait?
234
00:10:05,140 --> 00:10:06,406
Was that even a twist-off?
235
00:10:06,408 --> 00:10:06,907
LANA: No.
236
00:10:06,909 --> 00:10:07,374
ARCHER: Yikes.
237
00:10:07,376 --> 00:10:08,108
LANA: Is my answer.
238
00:10:08,110 --> 00:10:08,775
To your favor.
239
00:10:08,777 --> 00:10:12,279
No matter what it is, the answer is no.
240
00:10:12,281 --> 00:10:14,081
ARCHER: Somebody stole my birthday car.
241
00:10:14,083 --> 00:10:19,153
LANA: Okay, I'm gonna drink some of this,
and then do a huge spit take on you.
242
00:10:19,155 --> 00:10:20,421
ARCHER: What the shit, Lana?
243
00:10:20,423 --> 00:10:22,356
LANA: I told you I was gonna do it.
244
00:10:22,358 --> 00:10:24,626
ARCHER: Right, sorry,
guess I'm a bad listener.
245
00:10:24,628 --> 00:10:25,360
LANA: Obviously!
246
00:10:25,362 --> 00:10:28,696
Malory told you not to let
that stupid car get stolen!
247
00:10:28,698 --> 00:10:30,899
ARCHER: Thank you,
world's loudest voice!
248
00:10:30,901 --> 00:10:33,635
Now shut up, because -- for reasons
that don't bear going into,
249
00:10:33,637 --> 00:10:35,570
I have to get it back
before Mother finds out!
250
00:10:35,572 --> 00:10:37,672
LANA: Ugh, okay, I'll help you.
251
00:10:37,674 --> 00:10:40,042
To do...wait, what am I helping you do?
252
00:10:40,044 --> 00:10:41,910
ARCHER: Infiltrate whatever
criminal outfit steals the
253
00:10:41,912 --> 00:10:43,411
hottest cars in the city.
254
00:10:43,413 --> 00:10:46,481
PAM: That would be the Yakuza...
ARCHER: Wh-?
255
00:10:46,483 --> 00:10:47,382
[TOILET FLUSHING]
256
00:10:47,384 --> 00:10:51,653
PAM: And man, against those pinkieless
bastards, you had better come correct.
257
00:10:51,655 --> 00:10:53,555
LANA: And you know this how?
258
00:10:53,557 --> 00:10:58,193
Exactly?
259
00:10:58,195 --> 00:11:01,196
PAM: Moshiwake arimasen.
260
00:11:01,198 --> 00:11:01,964
Homies.
261
00:11:01,966 --> 00:11:05,667
LANA: Hang on hang on,
you race drift cars?
262
00:11:05,669 --> 00:11:06,268
CHERYL/CAROL: Crappily.
263
00:11:06,270 --> 00:11:09,871
ARCHER: Oh for -- is
anybody not in here?
264
00:11:09,873 --> 00:11:11,006
PAM: I'm not crappy, I just started!
265
00:11:11,008 --> 00:11:12,774
ARCHER: Shut up, when's
the next race and we're
266
00:11:12,776 --> 00:11:14,576
gonna pose as your pit crew.
267
00:11:14,578 --> 00:11:17,346
PAM: I -- it's tonight, and I dunno,
268
00:11:17,348 --> 00:11:20,749
if the Yakuza finds out you're
snoopin around about a hot set of wheels...
269
00:11:20,751 --> 00:11:23,585
ARCHER: Oh don't worry about me, I'm-
LANA: Not!
270
00:11:23,587 --> 00:11:25,687
Going on another stupid rampage.
271
00:11:25,689 --> 00:11:27,722
ARCHER: Well...
maybe a limited rampage.
272
00:11:27,724 --> 00:11:28,089
LANA: No.
273
00:11:28,091 --> 00:11:30,491
ARCHER: Modified limited rampage.
274
00:11:30,493 --> 00:11:31,993
LANA: Archer-
ARCHER: Don't worry about my methods!
275
00:11:31,995 --> 00:11:34,996
The important thing is that nobody tells-
[DOOR OPENS]
276
00:11:34,998 --> 00:11:35,796
ARCHER: Motherrr!
277
00:11:35,798 --> 00:11:37,231
MALORY: Tell me what.
278
00:11:37,233 --> 00:11:38,766
ARCHER: What?
279
00:11:38,768 --> 00:11:39,333
MALORY: What.
280
00:11:39,335 --> 00:11:42,269
ARCHER: What're we doing, I
shouldn't be in here, and...
281
00:11:42,271 --> 00:11:43,303
neither should you Pam!
282
00:11:43,305 --> 00:11:45,072
MALORY: Why aren't you
out in your new car?
283
00:11:45,074 --> 00:11:47,442
ARCHER: Because...
Woodhouse is detailing it,
284
00:11:47,444 --> 00:11:51,847
because that's the high level of care...
that I'm taking of it.
285
00:11:51,849 --> 00:11:56,251
MALORY: You better be.
286
00:11:56,253 --> 00:11:57,687
ARCHER: Wow, dodged a
bullet there, huh?
287
00:11:57,689 --> 00:11:58,387
LANA: Figuratively.
288
00:11:58,389 --> 00:12:01,157
And you better hope we don't
have to dodge any literally.
289
00:12:01,159 --> 00:12:08,298
ARCHER: Well, obviously I hope that.
290
00:12:08,300 --> 00:12:12,169
LANA: I am not super-confident
about this...
291
00:12:12,171 --> 00:12:12,870
CYRIL: Join the club.
292
00:12:12,872 --> 00:12:14,472
And I don't even know why I'm here.
293
00:12:14,474 --> 00:12:15,373
ARCHER: Join that club.
294
00:12:15,375 --> 00:12:17,508
Then shut up and act like you
know what you're doing.
295
00:12:17,510 --> 00:12:19,777
CYRIL: I don't know
anything about cars.
296
00:12:19,779 --> 00:12:22,780
ARCHER: I meant as an
agent, zing, okay Pam,
297
00:12:22,782 --> 00:12:24,949
who's the big cheesy-san around here?
298
00:12:24,951 --> 00:12:28,319
PAM: That would be Mr.Moto, he's --
(loud whisper) Crapjacks,
299
00:12:28,321 --> 00:12:30,087
he's coming over here!
300
00:12:30,089 --> 00:12:33,390
MOTO: So, shiro kabocha,
you are back.
301
00:12:33,392 --> 00:12:34,191
PAM: Hai, Moto-san.
302
00:12:34,193 --> 00:12:37,795
And again, just...
really sorry about your nephew.
303
00:12:37,797 --> 00:12:39,196
MOTO: He knew the risk.
304
00:12:39,198 --> 00:12:41,299
But I do not know these people!
305
00:12:41,301 --> 00:12:44,669
ARCHER: Sorry hi, I'm Randy,
crew leader, and --
306
00:12:44,671 --> 00:12:47,071
MOTO: Why does this
underling speak to me?
307
00:12:47,073 --> 00:12:47,972
ARCHER: Underling?!
308
00:12:47,974 --> 00:12:51,009
PAM: Ar -- Randy, don't --
ARCHER: Listen here, Moto!
309
00:12:51,011 --> 00:12:52,377
I --
MOTO: Kare o bassuru!
310
00:12:52,379 --> 00:12:54,412
YAKUZA DUDES: [karate sounds]
311
00:12:54,414 --> 00:12:56,581
ARCHER: [ass getting kicked sounds]
312
00:12:56,583 --> 00:12:58,583
LANA: Uh --
CYRIL: Right in the head and ass.
313
00:12:58,585 --> 00:13:00,752
ARCHER: Ungh!
314
00:13:00,754 --> 00:13:02,953
MOTO: Let that be a lesson to you!
315
00:13:02,955 --> 00:13:05,222
Yakuzo!
316
00:13:05,224 --> 00:13:07,124
PAM: Aw man, I just totally lost face!
317
00:13:07,126 --> 00:13:08,926
LANA: Join that club.
318
00:13:08,928 --> 00:13:11,663
So uh, you rethinking that rampage?
319
00:13:11,665 --> 00:13:14,700
ARCHER: I am, actually...
PAM: Ew.
320
00:13:14,702 --> 00:13:15,133
CYRIL: Gross.
321
00:13:15,135 --> 00:13:16,368
LANA: Then can we please
get out of here?
322
00:13:16,370 --> 00:13:19,571
ARCHER: Absolutely...
Right after I get my car.
323
00:13:19,573 --> 00:13:20,038
LANA: Archer!
324
00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:20,572
CYRIL: Jeezy Petes!
325
00:13:20,574 --> 00:13:23,208
PAM: No wonder it was runnin rough...
LANA: Archer, don't --
326
00:13:23,210 --> 00:13:24,075
[GUNS FIRING]
327
00:13:24,077 --> 00:13:28,012
ARCHER: Now which one of
you pussies has it?!
328
00:13:28,014 --> 00:13:30,282
So, just a heads up, I'm
starting the rampage now.
329
00:13:30,284 --> 00:13:33,718
LANA: No kidding.
330
00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:34,877
ARCHER: No.
331
00:13:36,996 --> 00:13:40,172
LANA: I am so angry at you right now...
ARCHER: You?
332
00:13:40,292 --> 00:13:41,514
Look at them.
333
00:13:41,516 --> 00:13:42,549
ARCHER: They're furious.
334
00:13:42,551 --> 00:13:45,034
MOTO: One question, before you die...
ARCHER: Shoot.
335
00:13:45,154 --> 00:13:45,986
LANA: Figuratively!
336
00:13:45,988 --> 00:13:47,821
[ARCHER'S CELL PHONE RINGING]
337
00:13:47,823 --> 00:13:51,357
MOTO: My question is this...
MALORY: What are you doing?
338
00:13:51,359 --> 00:13:52,491
CHERYL/CAROL: What nothing!
339
00:13:52,493 --> 00:13:53,125
[RINGING CELL PHONE]
340
00:13:53,127 --> 00:13:53,759
MALORY: Uh-huh.
341
00:13:53,761 --> 00:13:55,002
Have you seen Sterling?
342
00:13:55,122 --> 00:13:56,423
CHERYL/CAROL: Ever?
343
00:13:56,543 --> 00:13:57,796
MALORY: Tonight, now!
344
00:13:57,798 --> 00:14:01,165
He's supposed to meet me at 21
for his stupid birthday dinner,
345
00:14:01,167 --> 00:14:03,801
but he's not answering his --
ARCHER: Mmmyello?
346
00:14:03,803 --> 00:14:08,306
ARCHER: Mother? Hi, listen, I can't really
talk right now, can I call you back?
347
00:14:08,308 --> 00:14:12,210
ARCHER: Or are you pouting for some-
Oh crap, are you already at 21?
348
00:14:12,212 --> 00:14:16,648
Sorry, I'm running late, so go ahead
and order me four martinis, and --
349
00:14:16,650 --> 00:14:20,085
- Sterling Malory Archer, you
inconsiderate little... - Boom!
350
00:14:20,087 --> 00:14:21,820
Birthday voicemail, Mother!
351
00:14:21,822 --> 00:14:23,422
I got you.
352
00:14:23,424 --> 00:14:27,519
But seriously, I bet I will be late, so
go ahead pull the trigger on those --
353
00:14:27,639 --> 00:14:29,495
MALORY: Rrgh!
354
00:14:29,497 --> 00:14:32,498
What kind of ass would be late
for his own birthday dinner?
355
00:14:32,500 --> 00:14:35,935
CHERYL/CAROL: Mmmm, the kind
who'd infiltrate the Yakuza?
356
00:14:35,937 --> 00:14:36,669
MALORY: What.
357
00:14:36,671 --> 00:14:37,370
CHERYL/CAROL: Nothing.
358
00:14:37,372 --> 00:14:38,104
What, nothing.
359
00:14:38,106 --> 00:14:38,872
MALORY: Carol.
360
00:14:38,874 --> 00:14:39,573
CHERYL/CAROL: Noop.
361
00:14:39,575 --> 00:14:40,574
MALORY: Answer me.
362
00:14:40,576 --> 00:14:46,579
CHERYL/CAROL: No, I've said too much
alread -- Jeezowwww!
363
00:14:46,581 --> 00:14:48,313
You got another one in ya?
364
00:14:48,315 --> 00:14:48,981
MALORY: Answer me!
365
00:14:48,983 --> 00:14:52,184
ARCHER: And that, I guess, is
a pretty long answer to why
366
00:14:52,186 --> 00:14:55,721
I'd go on a suicide mission
to get back my birthday car.
367
00:14:55,723 --> 00:14:57,690
CYRIL: Because of a stupid bicycle?!
368
00:14:57,692 --> 00:15:01,193
ARCHER: What part of "five-speed Schwinn
Stingray" are you not getting?!
369
00:15:01,195 --> 00:15:05,998
MOTO: Are you -- and I'm being
serious here, are you insane?
370
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:09,367
ARCHER: Mmmmaybe some mild
post-traumatic stress disorder, but --
371
00:15:09,369 --> 00:15:10,935
LANA: But he drinks a lot, so--
ARCHER: So yeah,
372
00:15:10,937 --> 00:15:14,939
I think I've got a pretty
good handle on it.
373
00:15:14,941 --> 00:15:17,909
MOTO: We don't even have your damn car!
374
00:15:17,911 --> 00:15:19,677
We steal drift cars!
375
00:15:19,679 --> 00:15:21,045
Imports only!
376
00:15:21,047 --> 00:15:23,781
PAM: Right-hand drive, duh.
377
00:15:23,783 --> 00:15:28,053
ARCHER: Okay, and why,
would I believe you?
378
00:15:28,055 --> 00:15:29,554
MOTO: Why would I lie?
379
00:15:29,556 --> 00:15:32,890
Either way we're going to kill you!
380
00:15:32,892 --> 00:15:33,658
ARCHER: Oh.
381
00:15:33,660 --> 00:15:34,192
Right.
382
00:15:34,194 --> 00:15:35,994
LANA: And if they don't, I'm going to.
383
00:15:35,996 --> 00:15:36,394
ARCHER: Wh-?
384
00:15:36,396 --> 00:15:37,629
How is this my fault?
385
00:15:37,631 --> 00:15:39,264
MALORY: This is all my fault!
386
00:15:39,266 --> 00:15:43,802
I should've never gotten him that car,
it's that damn bicycle all over again!
387
00:15:43,804 --> 00:15:45,837
And who the hell taught
you how to drive?
388
00:15:45,839 --> 00:15:48,506
CHERYL/CAROL: This guy I know, named...
My dead father.
389
00:15:48,508 --> 00:15:50,976
MALORY: Oh, I, er...
CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah.
390
00:15:50,978 --> 00:15:52,144
Bet you feel like a dick.
391
00:15:52,146 --> 00:15:55,113
[TIRES SQUEALING]
392
00:15:55,115 --> 00:15:58,850
ARCHER: No, because look, if this whole
thing is anybody's fault, it's -- Pam!
393
00:15:58,852 --> 00:15:59,651
What're you doing?
394
00:15:59,653 --> 00:16:02,553
PAM: What nothing!
395
00:16:02,555 --> 00:16:03,654
ARCHER: Aww, sh -- umpf!
396
00:16:03,656 --> 00:16:11,727
PAM: Dammit...
MOTO: Fiiiiiire!
397
00:16:11,729 --> 00:16:13,229
LANA: Where are you going?
398
00:16:13,231 --> 00:16:14,596
PAM: How should I know?
399
00:16:14,598 --> 00:16:19,834
Can't see shit, my car's shot to shit,
and I only had three shitty payments --
400
00:16:19,836 --> 00:16:21,269
ARCHER: Leeeffft!
401
00:16:21,271 --> 00:16:21,636
PAM: What?
402
00:16:21,638 --> 00:16:25,273
ARCHER: Go left, dumbass!
403
00:16:25,275 --> 00:16:25,974
MOTO: Kuruma ni!
404
00:16:25,976 --> 00:16:29,610
To the cars!
405
00:16:29,612 --> 00:16:30,211
PAM: Move!
406
00:16:30,213 --> 00:16:31,245
The damn!
407
00:16:31,247 --> 00:16:32,046
Hood!
408
00:16:32,048 --> 00:16:36,184
ARCHER: Okay, hang on...
EVERYBODY: [startled yelps]
409
00:16:36,186 --> 00:16:37,652
ARCHER: How's that?
410
00:16:37,654 --> 00:16:38,786
ARCHER: Wagh!
411
00:16:38,788 --> 00:16:41,256
Pam, if you do that again...
PAM: What're ya gonna do,
412
00:16:41,258 --> 00:16:42,123
shoot my car?
413
00:16:42,125 --> 00:16:43,391
ARCHER: Lana's doing it too!
414
00:16:43,393 --> 00:16:47,061
PAM: No she's -- God damn it!
415
00:16:47,063 --> 00:16:47,762
LANA: Sorry!
416
00:16:47,764 --> 00:16:48,763
PAM: Are you?
417
00:16:48,765 --> 00:16:50,164
ARCHER: Cyril here,
make yourself useful!
418
00:16:50,166 --> 00:16:52,367
CYRIL: I -- no, ya know what?
419
00:16:52,369 --> 00:16:52,801
No.
420
00:16:52,803 --> 00:16:53,334
ARCHER: What?
421
00:16:53,336 --> 00:16:53,802
CYRIL: No!
422
00:16:53,804 --> 00:16:59,006
The way I see it, we're
the bad guys here!
423
00:16:59,008 --> 00:17:00,341
ARCHER: They're the Yakuza!
424
00:17:00,343 --> 00:17:03,011
CYRIL: Who were minding their own business--
ARCHER: Of white
425
00:17:03,013 --> 00:17:04,545
slavery --
LANA: Don't qualify it.
426
00:17:04,547 --> 00:17:05,713
ARCHER: -- and stealing cars!
427
00:17:05,715 --> 00:17:06,915
CYRIL: Not yours!
428
00:17:06,917 --> 00:17:08,983
ARCHER: Well maybe not, but--
CYRIL: But you come in
429
00:17:08,985 --> 00:17:12,153
here, guns blazing, half-cocked
and, probably half-drunk --
430
00:17:12,155 --> 00:17:13,788
ARCHER: It's my birthday!
431
00:17:13,790 --> 00:17:16,090
CYRIL: Well happy freakin birthday!
432
00:17:16,092 --> 00:17:16,590
ARCHER: Thank you.
433
00:17:16,592 --> 00:17:19,393
Finally somebody
acknowledges my birthday.
434
00:17:19,395 --> 00:17:21,194
CYRIL: Shut up, because
now we're gonna die!
435
00:17:21,196 --> 00:17:32,773
PAM: Not if shiro kabocha can help it...
EVERYBODY: [SCREAMING]
436
00:17:32,775 --> 00:17:35,875
LANA: Whoa! Pam, you're actually
pretty bad-ass at this.
437
00:17:35,877 --> 00:17:36,242
PAM: Duh!
438
00:17:36,244 --> 00:17:38,411
Why d'ya think they
call me shiro kabocha?
439
00:17:38,413 --> 00:17:40,212
CYRIL: Yeah what does
that mean, anyway?
440
00:17:40,214 --> 00:17:46,051
PAM: The white shadow...
MOTO: No it doesn't!
441
00:17:46,053 --> 00:17:48,487
It means white pumpkin!
442
00:17:48,489 --> 00:17:48,854
PAM: Wh-?!
443
00:17:48,856 --> 00:17:50,356
LANA: Aww, honey...
PAM: Oh yeah?!
444
00:17:50,358 --> 00:17:52,191
Well I gotcher pumpkin hangin!
445
00:17:52,193 --> 00:17:54,193
LANA: Ew.
446
00:17:59,902 --> 00:18:02,470
PAM: Ya used-panty-vending
sonsabitches!
447
00:18:02,472 --> 00:18:03,638
MOTO: Shiro kabocha!
448
00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:04,706
This is not over!
449
00:18:04,708 --> 00:18:06,675
PAM: Yeah, we'll see about that.
450
00:18:06,677 --> 00:18:07,442
Gun, gimme.
451
00:18:07,444 --> 00:18:09,845
LANA: No, honey, let's just --
PAM: Shut up, gimme the gun.
452
00:18:09,847 --> 00:18:10,312
ARCHER: No.
453
00:18:10,314 --> 00:18:11,180
PAM: Give it!
454
00:18:11,182 --> 00:18:11,580
ARCHER: No!
455
00:18:11,582 --> 00:18:12,214
You're agitated!
456
00:18:12,216 --> 00:18:15,585
PAM: No shit I'm agitated,
look at my car!
457
00:18:15,587 --> 00:18:16,853
ARCHER: At least you have one!
458
00:18:16,855 --> 00:18:19,923
And thanks to you we wasted all
night dicking around with the
459
00:18:19,925 --> 00:18:22,592
Yakuza, and I still don't
know who stole my frickin-
460
00:18:22,594 --> 00:18:23,726
[CAR BRAKING]
461
00:18:23,728 --> 00:18:24,227
ARCHER: Motherrr!
462
00:18:24,229 --> 00:18:26,328
MALORY: Sterling Malory Archer...!
463
00:18:26,330 --> 00:18:27,496
ARCHER: I, uh, what're you doing here,
464
00:18:27,498 --> 00:18:29,698
did you not hear my outgoing voicemail?
465
00:18:29,700 --> 00:18:32,867
MALORY: Did you not hear me tell
you not to let your brand-new
466
00:18:32,869 --> 00:18:33,467
car get stolen?
467
00:18:33,469 --> 00:18:35,135
ARCHER: Thanks a lot, blabbermouth!
468
00:18:35,137 --> 00:18:37,104
CHERYL/CAROL: She beat it out of me!
469
00:18:37,106 --> 00:18:38,238
CHERYL/CAROL:[sexy purr]
470
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:39,272
MALORY: Stop it!
471
00:18:39,274 --> 00:18:41,507
But nooo, you didn't listen to me.
472
00:18:41,509 --> 00:18:42,742
And then you lied to me.
473
00:18:42,744 --> 00:18:45,511
And then you almost got
everyone killed, and --
474
00:18:45,513 --> 00:18:47,113
MOTO: Almost nothing!
475
00:18:47,115 --> 00:18:50,216
I'll kill you all right now!
476
00:18:50,218 --> 00:18:51,151
MALORY: Do you mind?
477
00:18:51,153 --> 00:18:52,719
I'm trying to parent!
478
00:18:52,721 --> 00:18:53,653
[GUN FIRING]
479
00:18:53,655 --> 00:18:55,922
MOTO: Wagh!
480
00:18:55,924 --> 00:18:57,256
MALORY: That was for Pearl Harbor!
481
00:18:57,258 --> 00:18:58,725
Now where was I?
482
00:18:58,727 --> 00:19:00,860
Oh yes, and all because
you're irresponsible!
483
00:19:00,862 --> 00:19:03,329
ARCHER: No I'm -- well,
not with the car...
484
00:19:03,331 --> 00:19:06,199
MALORY: Are you -- Sterling,
you left it unlocked in an
485
00:19:06,201 --> 00:19:08,434
unattended garage!
486
00:19:08,436 --> 00:19:11,170
ARCHER: I don't, um...
LANA: She took it.
487
00:19:11,172 --> 00:19:11,604
ARCHER: What?!
488
00:19:11,606 --> 00:19:14,073
MALORY: Well, not me personally, I --
ARCHER: Why?
489
00:19:14,075 --> 00:19:15,241
Would you... do that?
490
00:19:15,243 --> 00:19:16,142
MALORY: To teach you a lesson!
491
00:19:16,144 --> 00:19:17,043
ARCHER: About what?
492
00:19:17,045 --> 00:19:18,010
MALORY: Life!
493
00:19:18,012 --> 00:19:21,280
Just like with that damn bicycle
when you were eight years old!
494
00:19:21,282 --> 00:19:25,185
ARCHER: I don't, um...
EVERYBODY: She took it.
495
00:19:25,187 --> 00:19:25,585
ARCHER: Wh-?
496
00:19:25,587 --> 00:19:26,553
You stole my bike?
497
00:19:26,555 --> 00:19:28,655
MALORY: I came home from work,
and it was just lying on the
498
00:19:28,657 --> 00:19:33,426
sidewalk, and I thought "Oh,
this will teach him."
499
00:19:33,428 --> 00:19:36,929
ARCHER: Stingray... five-speed...
LANA: But so,
500
00:19:36,931 --> 00:19:41,201
did you talk to him about
responsibility when you gave it back?
501
00:19:41,203 --> 00:19:42,102
MALORY: Gave it back?
502
00:19:42,104 --> 00:19:43,603
EVERYBODY: [MURMURING SURPRISE]
503
00:19:43,605 --> 00:19:45,639
MALORY: Well what kind of
lesson would that be?
504
00:19:45,641 --> 00:19:49,342
ARCHER: Banana saddle... sissy bar...
LANA: Oh my God, so...
505
00:19:49,344 --> 00:19:50,610
what about his car?
506
00:19:50,612 --> 00:19:52,144
ARCHER: Jeannie...
MALORY: Mmmm.
507
00:19:52,146 --> 00:19:57,415
I'm afraid it already has a new owner...
MAN: Yeah,
508
00:19:57,417 --> 00:19:58,717
that's what I'm talking about.
509
00:19:58,719 --> 00:20:01,553
Thanks Dodge or whoever.
510
00:20:01,555 --> 00:20:04,055
Yes, my ass is everywhere.
511
00:20:04,057 --> 00:20:04,456
[BEEPS HORN]
512
00:20:04,458 --> 00:20:06,167
What are you lookin' at Sucker.
513
00:20:06,391 --> 00:20:16,932
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com