My room mate Dee Dee
was member of a rare and endangered species...
26-year-old virgins.
I love her, but she was always...
always...
always on our couch.
Whew!
What up, B-words?
No, no joke. Always.
Hey, Dee. I'm heading out.
Have fun. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
That's a joke, because I wouldn't do anything.
Why don't you get your butt off the couch and come out with me?
Oh. No thanks.
- So what are you doing? - Origami.
I'm perfecting my swan. Isn't it cool?
"- Hello, Chelsea. - It seems like it's time for you to go out.
It's 7:00!"
Don't you just love swans?
If you keep doing origami, you will never have an "ora-gasm."
Hey, you know tradition where you move into a new place?
How you have sex in every room for good luck?
I do not know that tradition. But I endorse it.
You've had sex in every room in your apartment?
Yeah. Except the living room.
Wait. Even my room?
I rang my own bell in there once.
That counts.
And why haven't you hit the living room?
Believe me, I've tried.
Dee Dee really freaked out Fireman Mike.
You've been dating another fireman?
Uh-huh.
How'd you swing that?
I walked by the fire station.
We have got to get Dee Dee off that couch.
No, we've got to find Dee Dee a guy.
A guy who is into origami and The Bachelor?
Any guy who is into those two things
is also looking for a guy.
I think I'm in love with the new cocktail waitress.
Olivia, I think we both know you had your chance.
So don't be jealous when these little boots
wind up under somebody else's bed.
Hi, Sloane.
Hi, everybody. I have more decorations in the car,
- if I could get a hand. - Keys.
Thank you. I'll help you unload.
Ain't... gonna... happen.
Thank you. What are you doing here?
What do you mean? I'm renting out the bar tomorrow night
for the singles mixer for the church.
Oh. Do you just delete my e-mails?
Yeah.
Um, I'm sorry.
Excuse me, does that say "Celibacy Jam"?
It does, because I missed a meeting,
and that's the title they came up with,
so just suck on it.
You know, it's so funny, because it's hard to explain
chastity to somebody who started taking birth control pills
that were shaped like Barney Rubble.
Hey, where do you want the poster, Sloane?
Can you put it over there, and then do you have lots of wine?
'Cause this group likes to drink.
And if you could make any specialty cocktails, that'd be great.
What do you mean, like, "No Penis Colada"?
You're funny for a little nugget.
Who's working tomorrow night, Rick?
Uh, Chelsea and Olivia, and oh, oh... have you met Nikki?
She's our new cocktail waitress.
Oh, my God, not in front of the baby.
You have to put a shirt on for tomorrow night's event.
- Excuse me? - That doesn't work for me.
Oh, I like what you're wearing. Is that "Forever 39"?
Maybe it is Forever 39. Where did you get your little outfit?
At the stripper section at Abercrombie & Bitch?
Your wedding ring is so tiny. What does your husband do?
My husband is in the military, thank you.
Oh. Well, at least you have insurance.
And access to guns.
Just go and change your shirt, ok? Please take those away from me.
There are going to be a lot of nice, wholesome people here tomorrow night.
Like Dee Dee.
Oh, my God. That's perfect!
Okay, Sloane. Can she come, please?
She's got $20 and an unpopped hymen.
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com
What do you know?
Celibacy Jam really kinda doesn't suck.
Yeah, the music's pretty good.
What was that last song about?
Oh, resurrection.
I don't get that "res" part.
You see anything you like, Dee Dee?
The cake looks pretty yummy.
You know what else looks yummy.
This dude dancing over here by himself.
Oh, he's really shaking it, his moneymaker.
I can't, I'm too shy! Oop!
Do you remember what it felt like to be a virgin?
Not really. But I remember it felt wrong.
Oh, no...
I thought we agreed
that you were going to wear something more appropriate for tonight?
Didn't you see? There's a cross in the canyon.
Plus God made these boobs.
Did He? Did He, really?
Well, he made the man that made them.
My, uh, fiancé is finishing his residency in cosmetic surgery,
and these... got him an A plus.
Speaking of "A plus," what size are you?
I am nursing, okay?
And my nipples are the size of your head.
Sh-sh-sh. Don't cry.
You're gonna make momma leak all over the pretty outfit.
Oh, now your kid's never gonna know what "pretty" means.
Do you really lactate when it cries?
Yes. That's what real breasts do.
And if you didn't do that little botch job to yourself,
you might find out one day, okay?
Please stay away from me and my family.
It must be tough to see Nikki get married, huh?
Yeah, you know, I thought it'd be cool
having her work here... but now, to be honest,
it's just bringing up a lot of feelings.
Yeah, I don't know if this helps, but...
I had a dream about her last night.
She was into some really creepy stuff.
Yeah, she's the one that's weird.
Oh, where's your dancing partner?
He had one of those round booties, like a girl.
It's not for me.
What is for you, Dee Dee?
I'm not sure, but I know he'll be a romantic.
Like maybe he's a love advice columnist
who can't find love himself.
Or a skywriter.
As long as he's creative. And votes.
And he'll wear a vest when we play cards with our neighbors.
Hey. Let me turn... Hello, everybody!
Welcome to the Celibacy Jam!
Who put the Celibacy in Jam, you ask?
God did.
Okay. So let's put our hands together
and welcome "After the Ascension."
Hello, Celibacy Jam!
You gave yourself
Willing to save me
And I won't forget
Now it's my chance to give back
It's weird.
Christian rock stars are still rock stars.
And all the women in that room wanted him.
And after a while, I kinda did too.
He's our hero we must follow
Who would've thought, of all places, the hottest guy
I've met in months would be at a church social.
We talked for a while, and it turned out he was only 23.
I hadn't dated someone that young since I was 14.
But Luke was sweet and talented.
And he asked me out for ice cream.
And by ice cream,
he apparently meant dry-humping in his van.
- Have you seen Luke? - Yeah, he's cute!
No, no, I mean, where is he?
He's supposed to play the second set.
- Um... - Where's Chelsea?
Not during Celibacy Jam.
Chelsea, please, no. We have to stop.
- Why would we stop? - I just... I won't...
I can't... I just can't...
Uh.
I think you just did.
Hi, everybody.
The band will be back in a couple of minutes.
As soon as the band leader is done doing
whatever he's doing.
Uh, I, uh, also want to say
that there is a fellowship camping trip,
um, in a month,
and I'm very excited to...
I'm very, very excited to see everybody
at this camping trip,
except for you because you're going straight to hell.
And so I'll see you on Sunday.
Thank you!
I am so stupid.
I wanted my first time to be special.
Your first time what?
First time I ever had sex.
- That wasn't sex. - No?
- What would you call it? - A compliment.
Like you were so into me, you...
launched a firework.
I wanted my first time to be romantic,
with my wife, you know, like, on our honeymoon...
and she'd be pure and innocent.
Well, I can't help you there.
That's when I realized this sweet young man,
who was a little wet behind the...
oh, let's say ears... wasn't for me.
But he was perfect for somebody else.
Let us all remember Lest we all forget
Our offer's going away, Dee Dee.
How do you even know him?
He spilled his... drink on me.
Wow. I can't believe I'm about to date a rock star.
I wrote fan letters to Justin Timberlake when I was 14,
but he never responded.
"Sexy back"? How about manners back?
Luke is such a gentleman. You're going to have the best time.
Ooh! Oh, remember how I've been working on origami?
This is my new favorite.
Do you think I should show Luke my goose?
Well, I would.
But I thought you were going to wait until you were married.
Hey. Come in. I'll get Dee Dee.
I feel a little weird about this.
Look, I wouldn't have called you,
except this girl is perfect for you.
Isn't this awkward for you?
If it were awkward for me with everyone I've dry-humped,
I'd have to stay in my house.
And even then, it might get dicey.
Oh, there she is.
Dee Dee, this is Luke. Luke, this is Dee Dee.
You're a very good singer.
And you have pretty eyes.
The kids really hit it off.
Dee Dee was thrilled to be dating a rock star.
And Luke was thrilled
to be dating someone sweet and naive about sex.
I love sitting here with you, Dee Dee.
Your hair smells like sugar.
When I hold your hand I get a feeling
that shoots all the way up my shoulders to my neck,
and then hops to my earlobes.
I can't believe I told you that, but I really trust you.
You do?
Of course I do.
Can I put my head on your shoulder?
Okay.
You know, if we wait ten minutes, we can see
a big, hairy fat man take a bath up there.
Excuse me, sir.
Can you see if you're sitting on a blue barrette?
Um, sure.
- There it is. - Thank you.
And thanks for keeping our city safe.
You're welcome.
I thought you said we were going to be alone tonight.
As soon as her date gets here, she's taking off.
Thank you for being so patient.
And good-looking. God.
Hi. Oh, not me. I don't touch the stuff!
That was a joke.
It's a play on the words, "Hi," and "high."
Nice to meet you. Bye.
You said you liked my purity ring, so I got you one just like it.
Oh. Wow.
I can't do this anymore, Dee Dee.
I don't deserve a purity ring.
I had relations with Chelsea.
What? What?
You didn't put your Mr. Pickle in her pickle jar, did you?
No. No. We just made out a little.
It was before I set you guys up.
- You should have told me, Chelsea... - I know.
But Dee Dee, he's so perfect for you.
Perfect for a liar with pants of fire.
Hey, hey, hey. Do not joke about fire.
Look, you and I talked about the importance and beauty
of the Jonas Brothers' purity.
You're a total hypocrite, Luke,
and I'll thank you and your mister mini pickle to leave!
- Look... - I will thank you to leave!
You know, I think I'm gonna...
- Go? - Yeah.
I understand. I'll call you.
I'll just get my pussy stuck up in a tree.
I'm really sorry about what happened, Dee.
I'm still mad. I mean, I get that you would try to do something nice.
And you probably couldn't help yourself.
You're like a dog who wants to chew on everyone else's bone.
All right, all right. I think that you've had enough...
apple juice.
Dee, I really think that you should give Luke another chance.
Don't even say his name.
Well, at least come around to the bar. It's Chowder Friday.
No way. I'm never getting off this couch.
- Don't you have to go to work? - Of course I do.
And I poop too, but I don't talk about it.
Well, I do. So don't go in the bathroom for a while,
'cause it needs to air out.
- Chelsea? - Yeah.
Would you bring me chowder and oyster crackers?
Yeah, of course.
I heard what you did to my sister.
I heard you had sex with a 12-year-old.
I heard your last job was helping four hobbits find a ring.
Whatever. She bought this.
By the way, messing with my sister,
not a wise move.
She's a Christian. She said she forgave me.
Oh, she did, huh? Okay.
You know, it's kinda cute.
She's dead, and she doesn't even know it.
Hey, Chels. What is the deal with Dee?
She gave me the finger.
It was the wrong one, but... still.
Chelsea kinda broke her.
Oh, that's because you're not careful.
This is why you can't have nice friends.
All right, we have to get her back with Luke.
Yeah. Let's help him do something super-romantic to win her back.
Yeah, but Dee Dee says she's done with romance.
Done with romance?
Dee Dee cannot be done with romance, all right?
Why not extinguish the sun?
Or stab the moon in the face?
Are you still taking that poetry class?
It was a seminar.
You guys, come on.
We have to be able to think of something.
Dee Dee once told us about the most romantic date she could ever imagine.
Remember?
The night we were drunk?
Wait a minute. You guys got Dee Dee drunk?
No. The night Chelsea and I got drunk.
Oh, that night. Yeah. Thanks for clarifying.
We start out on a big "mizeem"
traveling river, lights in water.
You listening to me?
Then at midnight, and a smear out of the smars.
"Perfect."
You guys, we have to think of something romantic.
And it can't have alcohol or sex?
I know, I'm stumped.
- Rick, you got a story? - No.
- About what? - Romance.
Uh... Okay, yeah.
The most romantic thing I ever did was with Nikki in high school.
It was our two-month anniversary,
and we made a time capsule.
So we put pictures,
and little notes that we'd write each other in there,
and... oh, concert tickets to the Counting Crows, you remember that?
Yeah, whatever happened to that thing?
Whatever happened to the Counting Crows?
God, we were such idiots, right?
Yeah, what the hell were we thinking?
Rick, do you need a mini-pad, or can you focus on Dee Dee?
Look, doesn't Dee Dee get all her ideas about romance from TV?
- She's coming! - Oh. Quick. Pop in the DVD.
What's going on?
We have a surprise for Dee Dee.
Don't you people ever work?
- Chelsea, did you take my remote? - Yes. I did.
But we're gonna show you something right now, so...
So sit down. Rick?
Hey, that's our street.
A million things I could have said
A thousand lives I could have led
My heart beats faster 'Cause I know what I'm after
It's Luke.
I don't need a Cadillac car
Drive around like a movie star
Oh, no, no, no I'm not greedy
I just want Dee Dee
And that's me.
Dee Dee, yeah
Is he straight?
Won't you help me make it right
Oh, I'm not faking My earth is quaking
Okay, in all fairness, we didn't give him a ton of time to write it.
Light my darkness Forgive my sin
Ooh, open the door, angel
Please won't you let me in
Oh, God. He usually arrives early.
Dee Dee, please forgive me.
I'm missed you so much. Will you be my girlfriend?
Yes. Oh!
I'm sorry I made fun of the whole time capsule thing.
It's still the most romantic thing I've ever done with anyone.
Me too.
It's so sad that you don't have any money.
Even though I'm not the swoony-est gal on the block,
it felt good to restore Dee Dee's faith in romance.
And standing there in the bar,
watching everyone be affected by it,
Everyone was at the bar. My apartment was empty!
Today was rough. I'm so tired.
Well, take a load off.
Could you let me buy you a drink? I have a White Russian. Do you like those?
That actually sounds great.
And I'm sorry for making you leak all over your dress
in front of those virgins.
Although it was funny.
Yeah, you're right. It was funny.
Yeah, those pictures all over her church's Facebook page?
It's hilarious.
Thanks.
This is good.
Did you use the real cream?
If you made that crying noise again, I can top it off for you.
Uhh!
I thought you said you were Christian!
I am a Christian, and you're the devil.
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com