Shazza, not just a woman, a bloody force of nature.
Shazza's ex. Dennis the Menace. Daddy's home.
So, we're opening for business. You haven't told him you've remortgaged.
When were you going to tell me? I can't be around you.
Divorce pending. What does that make me? Available for drinks?
I told you I'd get the first smile of the day.
So he virtually kidnapped you?
Lying on the telly! I had to say something!
I could murder you for this.
A statement on oath. Referred to Serious Crime Squad!
Don't get your thong in a twist. There's no-one to catch!
Stroke of genius, that description. Red curly hair. Sallow skin.
Bushy eyebrows. That's Ronald flamin' McDonald!
We'll get done for wasting police time!
1,600 new members. I'm glad we did it.
We? HORN HONKING
Journalists! Put your foot down. They're stalking me. Red lights!
Leave us alone. You're the scum of the Earth, persecuting victims...
We want you to do our wedding!
It's that footballer, Eddie Shannon.
Saw you on the news, ladies. Nice one.
♪ Please don't let me fall in love Too late, you're hooked, I'm afraid
♪ A heart is hard to dissuade
♪ I won't let you
♪ There is nothing you can do
♪ Please don't let me fall in love. ♪
- Honest? - Are you sure you heard right?
That's what she said! Eddie Shannon's wedding?
He's like our Wayne Rooney!
No way! I just bought our Robbie his strip!
He is my second most gorgeous player, after Becks.
He's as fit as a butcher's dog!
Oh. Me ears are burning.
I'd give it a good 20 minutes. Just dropped the kids off.
Are you still hanging round like a bluebottle on a wedding cake?
Have a heart. Me daughter's just thrown me out.
I'm living in a stationery cupboard. What do you expect?
Taking a woman back to our Shazza's! She must be a right munta!
I can't help me animal magnetism, can I?
I've clocked the way you look at me, undressing me with your eyes.
I bet any one of you'd take a ride on the Marbella cowboy!
Poor Witney. Imagine collecting your mum's ashes at her age.
I thought about taking them to the fair, cos she loved it!
Loved bagging off with them fellas spinning the waltzers. It's a lovely idea. Won't you need permission?
Who from? Ashes R Us? I don't know. Oh, shut up.
Whatever Witney wants, that's what we're gonna do. Anywhere, any time.
We'll be there for you. I thought about this Saturday.
Oh... really sorry, love. We've been asked to do a footballer's wedding.
Eddie Shannon's. What about a week Saturday?
It's my mum's birthday. You hadn't forgotten? No. We'll sort it.
You lot want to show me a bit of respect.
I'm a share holder of this company. I'm not going anywhere.
Baby cakes. Is Shaz in there?
Mary, mother of God! Wit, we've put your desk there.
For when you're ready.
Witney, I... Sheena, Shorna.
Chez? I don't think there's anything left to say.
Put some clothes on, Dad.
Hey, Kenny. What are we gonna do about these stupid women? Don't get married if you can't take a joke.
Shouting their mouths off on telly, making us look like Jack the Ripper.
Won't be long before they hit us in our pocket. Why are you sitting on your arses? Get out in the streets.
Boys, come on. Six birds, six cars.
How much damage can they do? Novelty value. Flash in the pan.
PHONE RINGS
This could open a hornet's nest.
They've upset all the male cabbies in South Hadley.
Taxis in this town are safe. No-one's called me.
People come to me to sort out their grievances.
They look at me like Judge Judy or a young Oprah Winfrey.
Just keep your eye on it.
Don't forget, Thursday 11am tee-off. Kenny Ho's taken a shine to you.
I can't make it. I've got a meeting. Oi! You're head of permits!
You don't say no to Kenny Ho.
That rhymes. It's still a no cos I can't go. That rhymes, too!
Your own flamin' wife?
Sacking me? Her own sister-in-law?
All those leaflets I passed round bingo. Blood's thicker than wine.
Plenty of dozy mares she could get rid of. They paid for you to take the Knowledge and you failed twice.
And you wrecked an engine. Shut it.
Since you got back from Australia, you've had too much to say.
Keep your big Kylie beak out. What do you want me to do, Di?
Tell her to give me job back. I can't do that.
We've... sort of split up.
Binned you off, has she? Got her own money now! Doesn't need you!
Two brothers! I'm the only one with a flamin' set of balls!
No wonder Elaine don't want you!
A driver will be with you in ten minutes. Thank you for calling.
2,000 members and our first job of the day. Business rates. Spike.
Electricity? Unless it's red, spike.
Have you heard from Dave? No.
Don't half miss him, Jacks. You heard from Barry?
9010 texts telling me he's made a big fat mistake. Can he come home?
No! Everything he did got on my nerves.
This one morning, he was gargling, it was so loud I just thought,
"I really, really want to smash your head in against that sink."
If I ever get involved with another bloke again, shoot me in the back of the head.
You're not seeing Tony any more? No. No, I'm playing that cool.
He hasn't rung, then?
I've been told by my daughter I've got to be nice.
The lad who fitted the computers. Spike.
His dad was in the Falklands! Spike. Everyone expects to wait 28 days!
Touch that and you'll end up on the spike! That bad, eh?
All debts split equally three ways now, seeing as you're a partner!
And for the record, we're keeping our heads above water. Women!
Got no business sense, have you? Excuse me?
A few hundred quid for a footballer's wedding? You could have charged thousands! You mental?
Eddie Shannon is brewstered, right? He just signed for £2.5 million.
The good publicity! You can't buy that! Why don't you resign?
Looking after me baby's inheritance. Can't blame me for that.
What exactly is it you do round here all day?
I'm a consultant. Well go and consult with the hosepipe, then.
Those cabs need a good valet. You're having a laugh!
Don't accidentally drink some carpet shampoo and die a horrible, painful death!
Good afternoon, Candy Cabs.
We have got to get rid of him.
I brought your permit.
You're official. No going back now.
Thanks, Tony. Nice of him, isn't it? Yeah. Cheers.
I thought you were women-only. Who's the fella?
Just a car valet bloke. I'm gonna pace him.
Oi! We're on a water meter!
Well, thanks for dropping that off.
Any excuse. To see you, I mean.
Ah, do you know what? I don't think I'm ready for all this texting.
If you want to see me again, say.
The reason I've not asked you out properly is I knew you were up the wall with this place.
How about a drink with me tomorrow?
I told you. Kendra saw us on the news.
Women in this town are getting behind us. She just likes pink.
Let's sort this hen night out.
That's five cars, four hens per car and mini chambrini on tap. Great.
KNOCK ON DOOR Excuse me, ladies.
Ooh!
It's Eddie Shannon!
Beautiful Barb. What are you doing here?
Withdrawal symptoms. I haven't seen my gorgeous girl for two hours!
"Make the most of your last night of freedom, as long as you're in bed at 10.30. PS Your own bed!" Cheeky!
I've got to dash but I've booked you a VIP table at Mojito Bar.
And everything is on my tab! CHEERS
She was training to be a solicitor. Had a place at law college.
Mum, as soon as we've settled in the new club... Then what? University of Stoke?
When he was in reserves, you had plans.
He's big league and it's all about him. Why can't you postpone?
Can't you just be happy for us? So much for wanting your own independence!
That's what it's about. Never relied on a fella for anything, Kendra. Never will do.
Didn't have much choice, did you, when Dad left.
Right, well. Let's get ready to rumble. See you in reception.
Don't forget. Fancy dress... Oh. Didn't I mention it?
Could have been worse! Could have been the back of a horse! I'm flamin' Bungle!
It were all they had left. Thanks!
Could I be any more fabulous?
Your skirt commit suicide?
Ladies!
Wit! You look amazing!
Oh, I like your jewel. It's a Quality Street!
LAUGHTER
I'm in that video.
Oh, Witney.
Were you thinking of coming with us? There's no room for passengers.
We were relying on you to man the phones.
Once you can drive, things'll be different. Sorry. It's not a problem.
Oh, my God! We are going to turn heads!
And stomachs! Let's give these hens the time of their lives.
I can't believe they've done that to you, baby cakes.
They don't really want us around, do they?
Come on, girls. Get ready to fill your boots!
Anyone booked a stripogram? I hope so!
PHOTOGRAPHERS: Kendra! Over here!
Come on. Nice big smile.
Are you looking forward to being Mrs Eddie Shannon, Kendra?
Oi! Loopy Lou. You can't just plonk them there.
Says who? Rules and regulations in this town, darling.
Give it a rest. We don't pick up off the street. She looks like she does.
If you paid me £10 million, you'd have to put a bag on your head.
Preferably a plastic one!
LAUGHTER It's not funny, lads.
Remember, girls. No drinking, no copping off, no messing about.
We have to make sure they all get home in one piece.
This is not a night out. It's a job.
100 million percent! Too right!
You're so lucky marrying Eddie.
MUSIC: "Something Kinda Ooh" by Girls Aloud
Oh! As if I'd drink on duty! How come you're dancing like Beyonce with a fairy down her hot pants?
I'm 36. Me husband is having a baby with another woman.
Me new business is going down the tubes and I thought, before I turn into Dame Edna,
me and me bingo wings just want to have fun, what's wrong with that?
I love our cabbies! They're mad!
I knew I'd get a turn! Need air.
Let me out of here.
MAN: What you doing? Don't touch those fire doors.
Just trying to get some fresh air.
Oi! You bloody fire hazard!
I'm reporting you to Health and Safety. Whatever!
Kendra? Are you calling it a night already?
Shall I bring the cab round? This is Sean. We can go together.
Sean? Why? You've booked us for the night. You might as well use us.
What if them photographers spot you and Sean together?
Where to?
Back to mine. Relax. We're old school friends.
EXCITED VOICES
I saw you! I know! What a mover! In your face, Madonna!
LAUGHTER
Very funny! Nearly as funny as your outfit.
I can take mine off. Tomorrow, you'll still be a Teletubby.
Just get used to us. Women taxi drivers?
You can't hack it, with your child-bearing hips.
You've done all right with your beer belly and fat arse!
You'd better start taking us seriously.
What? Dressed like that?
- Wheels, else you're in trouble! - You'll tell George and Zippy?
Surprised you got a costume to fit her!
That's enough.
Hey, you would not like her when she's angry!
I don't like her now. Calm down. A joke's a joke.
Here's your wheels. What you doing, soft lad?
How chivalrous! Thank you.
Sorry.
- Do you need a man's touch, love? - Yeah, probably. Know any?
LAUGHTER
Tony McQueen should never have given Candy Cabs permits in the first place.
You felt compelled to call me out on Saturday night? Everybody's bending over backwards for them.
Because they're women. They've got a right to trade.
They're sexist! They don't employ men or carry men as passengers.
Let's see what Brussels have to say about that, shall we?
What are you going to do to protect our interests?
He will come back.
I know he will. Just trying to prove a point.
I thought I heard something. You know it's past midnight?
Sorry. Hen night got me all wired.
Is it a private party or can anyone join in? Brought me own Toilet Duck.
Consider it overdue rent.
Is this your version of a night on the tiles?
Has, er... Dave said anything, you know, about coming back?
If he's coming back?
No. He won't talk about you two. He's an idiot.
If it were me I'd be round here now on me hands and knees.
Can't expect Dave to do that. Not with his bad back!
LAUGHTER
We may be getting a divorce, Barry O'Sullivan, but you are not selling my house!
Shit! Come on!
Right, I am not letting the stupid man beat me.
I do not need this stress in my life, Barry...!
What you looking at?
GLASS SMASHES
ELAINE GIGGLES
Recycling's out. Not necessarily in the bin! Don't put the snip on.
Beth might be late. She's revising with her mates. Revising what? Facebook?
Hold on. What you got here?
Yellow feather. Oh! In your hair.
Hiya, love. I'm going straight up. Shattered.
Yeah. Me too.
Night, Beth.
Dave, I really need to talk to you.
Whatever you've got to say, you can say in front of family.
I want you to know I shouldn't have taken out that loan.
You were right to be annoyed. If you want to, I'd like you to come home.
Is that it? Please. I've said I'm sorry. No, Elaine!
You haven't. You want me to beg you to come home?
I just thought you'd want to.
My stupid mistake.
Mand, how many bouncers did you give your number to?
Just the four. Oh, and the bloke in the cloakroom.
Someone had to have fun! Whoever heard of the hen being the first to leave?
She was doing a slowy with that hunk.
First time I got married, I copped off with the best man the night before. Kev were banged-up!
Don't look at me like that. Ruined me wedding album in his bleeding handcuffs!
You wouldn't have two-timed if you'd nabbed a footballer. Good point.
DENNIS: Playing away already?
What went on is confidential. Gossiping about our own customers?
You ought to be ashamed! OK, then. Thanks.
Do you want a chamomile tea?
Got a couple of valium in me bag.
Or I could put a pillow over your face! What was that?
We're supposed to be being motivational.
No-one's going to say a word about Kendra. So, dish. What happened?
You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Wouldn't I? Try me.
She's a young girl. What goes on in a Candy Cab stays in a Candy Cab. And if Dennis...
Not Kendra. Me. Alex kissed me.
I can't believe I've said it out loud. Where? Does it matter?
Dave's brother kissed me. No. What? On the lips? With tongues?
Eddie Shannon's here, doing his nut. Kendra must still be at that Sean's.
EDDIE: I've rung her 20 times.
She went with Sally-Anne. To the hotel?
Or was it Stella? The concierge can't find her.
Can I have your autograph, for my niece? Her name's Pam, as well.
Just keep him occupied for ten minutes.
I don't know. Say anything.
Alex is dead sexy, though. He's me flamin' brother-in-law.
What's the atmosphere like at home? What do you think?
What am I gonna do? Can you trust yourself with him?
Course I can. Thought not.
What are you two doing here?
Eddie's got a search party out for you.
I know this looks bad but me and Sean are just mates.
You don't have to explain to us. I wouldn't cheat on Eddie.
You should have taken her back to the hotel. She's the customer!
There you are! Thought you'd done a runner! Sorry, babe. Mobile's dead.
PHONE RINGS
'Big Pam, are you there?' I'm stuck in traffic.
You're breaking up. 'I can see you on the computer.'
Hello? 'Pam, I know you can hear...'
Thought it was you. Saw your cab parked up. Room for a little 'un?
No. I mean, yeah.
Come and sit down.
Cheers.
No hard feelings about last night? The lads got a bit carried away.
No. We were fine.
Obviously, we were weren't. We were fuming.
I'm Jimmy but me mates call me Chub.
Oh. They call me Big Pam. Don't think I need to explain why.
Doesn't bother me, though.
You know, I'm fat. Get over it.
Does it bother you being overweight? Chub's me surname.
Oh, I'm sorry.
But obviously, I am a bit big-boned.
BOTH LAUGH
Thank you for your custom.
Your driver will be with you shortly. Bye.
Are you allowed to go through that stuff? Someone's got to, sweetheart.
All your money's in this place. Dumb and Dumber are chucking it down the drain.
Have a gander at these.
I haven't got a clue. Don't you mean YOUR money?
I'm minding your shares for you, sweetheart.
The last thing I want is for my little girl to be homeless.
That's the worst-case scenario but, if they do wind up and there's loads of debts,
you might find yourself being Britain's youngest bankrupt.
That's why you need someone in your corner, Witney.
And who better than Daddy?
I'll not let you down, sweetheart.
Maybe I'll see you again? Yeah. I'm here most afternoons.
The cabbie's caff on the front do a great fry-up. I don't think we'd be welcome.
Tell them you're with Chub. I'll look out for you.
CRASH
Pam, are you all right? I'm fine. How are you? Fine.
How much is that gonna cost? A couple of hundred quid.
I'm sorry. You? I thought it were me.
Let's agree to joint liability? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah.
As long as nobody got hurt.
You're not Tiger Woods. Come on!
Hey, Merv!
Have they talked about expanding yet?
They'll not get far with six cabs. Things might take off.
They're doing Eddie Shannon's wedding.
Really putting it about, aren't they?
These lovely Candy Cab girls are going to learn the hard way.
Oi, Pretty Woman. What's in the bag?
Is that for the hot date with the gallant taxi driver? Bloody Stella's big mouth!
I never said it were a date. Full English at the cabbie's caff?
Virtually a marriage proposal - or at least a bloomin' good shag!
Mand!
Wit?
Witney?
I don't want any fuss. I've just come for me stuff.
Wit?
That was a big sigh.
Mm. Sorry. Just been one of them days.
If you're with me for me money, don't bother!
So how am I going to find out all about you? See!
I knew this would turn into a date. We could do it like speed dating.
30 seconds to tell everything!
No. What about speed hating? If we can't stand the same things we're onto a winner.
I like the sound of that. You start.
I hate corned beef, dog poo, people that are miserable when there's nothing to be miserable for.
Scotch eggs, pineapple chunks, dolphins.
You can't hate dolphins! Eh? They get on me nerves!
Stupid smiley faces! Who's THAT happy?
They're the princes of the ocean. Whatever.
Whose list is this, anyway? Sorry.
Brown bread. I know you've got to. Cleaning toilets. Yeah.
Cash machines with no money in them. What's that about? Dry roasted peanuts.
I think that's it. Oh, no. Shoes that kill.
That's spooky. Apart from dolphins, I can't stand any of them either.
I can just see you with a Scotch egg.
I have to say, on paper, we're a match made in heaven.
Just a shame I don't fancy you.
Thank you for calling Candy Cabs.
Your driver will be with you in a few moments.
I don't half want to get away.
Dad, since Mum's funeral, I've been thinking.
You know what you were saying about Spain? Oh, yeah.
Maybe I could make it as a singer.
Baby, that's a brilliant idea! They're crying out for great voices.
Say the word and I'll put you on the circuit out there.
Feels like five minutes ago I were tucking you up.
Look at you, all grown-up.
Absolute knock-out, you are. A real peach.
I want you to know that, wherever I was, I kept a little piece of you.
Right here.
Next to me heart.
Open it.
That's your baby hair, that. Kept it with me always.
It's the most precious thing I ever owned.
The one thing I had left of me little princess.
Switch the big light off when you go out, there's a love.
Night night. God bless.
Dad. What is it, baby cakes?
You want to come home?
These pink razors, man. Nightmare On Elm Street!
Having a lie-in, are we?
KNOCKING ON FRONT DOOR
CAR HORN HONKS
CHILD: Mum! You forgot to pack me my swimming cozzie.
Coming! I thought she was at your mum's. Do not move from that bed.
Someone's keen.
Just don't want Mum and Georgie to see your ugly mush!
Here's a tenner for some chips after the baths. Thanks, Mum.
Go anywhere nice last night, love? No. A few drinks with the girls.
Careful! Big hunk with no clothes on in your bedroom!
And I was worried you were pining over your Barry.
Remember, customers are plankton. What are we?
ALL: Molluscs. What do molluscs do?
Eat plankton. Devour. 1800 free texts. Get busy!
This is the year we put South Hadley on the map! Snap to it!
Got a minute? Miss Chadwick.
Barry. Yeah, yeah.
Scan results. Everything's great. Well, average, for my age.
Can't give any guarantees.
Right. Well, that's... That's good.
Obviously, I'll help out, you know.
Financially.
Head office have been on. Are those quarterlys ready?
They need them by 4.30.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
"And as a result of your negligence, my client Mr Chub suffered
"whiplash injuries which may force him
"to take prolonged absence from his employment at Kenny Ho, Taxis that go."
Lying to-rag. We bumped into each other.
You want to take that top back. Wasn't low-cut enough anyway.
You said he asked you out on a date.
I thought he did, but I'm just a big fat fool, aren't I?
Oh, Pam.
What's the point of a stupid diet, anyway?
Scoffing that isn't gonna help.
Come on. Got to get Kendra's hens to the spa.
All right, lads... PHONES RING
We've been sacked.
By text.
No. Oh, management.
Maybe you'll be getting preferential treatment.
An e-mail.
Eh. Calm down! It's probably some joker at Head Office.
Keep the doors locked. Nobody leaves.
Oh, bollocks!
PHONE RINGS
This is really not a good time... You're where?
What? Can I come in?
You'll soon get snapped-up with your CV.
Probably feels worse cos you're having a baby.
Who told you? Does it matter? I should've heard it from you.
What a mess, Jacks. I can't afford rent and maintenance for Georgie.
And something toward the bills. I need to move back in. Eh?
Hold your horses! You're sabotaging the house sale. The estate agent's told me.
It's hard enough on Georgie and you're having a baby with another woman? She doesn't have to know.
My daughter is not growing up not knowing she's got a half-brother or sister.
Made a right balls-up of this one.
I'm not trying to make life difficult. Georgie has to come first.
If she sees you're home she'll think we're back together.
Jacks.
And that is not an option.
Not now.
Out. I've got Eddie Shannon's bride to take care of.
There you go, ladies. Enjoy.
Oh, hey! Stell. Great publicity.
Nice one! Yeah, they look OK.
I've had them in my attic since the Commonwealth Games.
MAND: Nowt like a pampering before a wedding!
Oh, come on. Cheer up.
He kissed you. It's a compliment. Jacks, I'm scared.
What if me and Dave...? That's it?
He's just trying to punish you.
I'm telling you, this wedding's gonna be the making of us.
This time tomorrow, Candy Cabs be taking over the world!
Kendra?
Get me away from here.
No way I can go through with it.
Makes me sick. Someone just texted it to you?
Who is she? Said she slept with him on his stag night.
What does Eddie say? Denies everything. Me mum says this would happen.
Soon as he hit big time. Six sprays. Really helps.
Get the rubber glove on stand-by. It might look worse than it is.
She's got her tongue down his throat.
OK. What if it was the other way round?
You did spend the night at that Sean's. We're just friends!
We stayed up until five talking. I slept on the couch.
People see something and automatically assume the worst.
What would you do? Me? If he'd copped off on his stag do?
I'd go to the ground, stand there in me wedding dress
and tell 15,000 people what a dirty deceitful lying git he was.
Then I'd rip off me veil, like in Private Benjamin, and punch him right in the kipper.
Having said that, you know, he sounds like a really nice fella.
Punch him right in the kipper? Thought about working for Relate?
So you're happy to let a young girl marry some big idiot that's carrying on behind her back?
It's none of our business. She asked for my opinion.
And you didn't half go for it. No point in shilly-shallying about.
Talk about sitting on the fence. You ARE the fence.
If she doesn't turn up or turns into Ricky Hatton, it's your fault.
We cannot be associated with a jilted bridegroom. Are you mental?
Elaine.
I just want to let you know I'm looking for a place.
Don't bother. I've sacked his sister. If Dave finds out I've kicked his brother out...
KNOCK KNOCK
I didn't think it was right to let meself in.
Just take whatever you need. I came to see you.
DAVE: Lainey?
Lainey?
Elaine!
I love you, Elaine, and I hate us not being together.
And I brought this Daimler round, cos it's yours.
I want you to have it. You produce a vintage car? Where did that spring from?
I've been doing it up for 18 months, for next year. What's next year?
Our anniversary. 20 years.
Please, Lainey.
If we split up, I couldn't stand it. I might as well jump off the ladder.
Me fingers!
Oh! Ah! What do we do now?
BOTH: Beth!
ELAINE LAUGHS
I don't half love you, Elaine Partridge.
Big day tomorrow. Me and Alex will be at the stadium for the wedding.
Maybe we could meet up afterwards. No. We can't.
We're scattering Shazza's ashes after the wedding. Oh.
Listen, the Daimler's worth 15 grand. You know.
If you need it. I'm not going to sell it, Dave.
The Sovereign. Exactly like the one Arthur Daley had. Your dream car.
Trust you to remember that.
I knew something had been going on round here.
Have you been cleaning the grouting?
DOOR BELL
Really sorry for the intrusion. Any time, Mr Ho. I put a tender in every year for your MOT work.
What is it you want, Mr Ho? I don't want anything.
I want to give you something. Haven't signed it.
Didn't want to appear presumptuous.
What's this for? I think he wants to buy you out.
I'm making you an offer. I was at a Board of Business and Trade meeting.
Word is there's a couple of outstanding Candy Cab bills.
They will get paid. I like what you're doing.
It's working for those women in Warrington, but it costs money to do it properly.
I'll be at the game tomorrow. Director's box. I'll keep a pen handy.
Buona sera.
I'll show you to the door. Yes. Good to meet you.
Babe, we've won the Lottery!
OK, girls. Kendra and Eddie are tying the knot.
Are we ready to show 15,000 people what Candy Cabs are made of?
EVERYONE: Yeah!
Jacks, I need a word about Kenny Ho. We've got to talk. Eh?
Anyone not pulling their weight... No offence, Pam.
Don't bother turning up to work on Monday! Sling your hook.
We're going to start a system of appraisals, OK?
Someone has got to get this company... Who the hell do you think you are? A share holder.
I feel like Jeremy Paxman in a sea of Big Brother contestants.
If you ever speak to my girls like that again, I will plaster this wall with your face.
Can a man not look after his only daughter?
Why do you think the worst of me? Something stinks about you and it's not just your breath.
Have you seen the time?
Come on. Move out.
Come on. Let's go!
Sean? What the...?
Kendra won't see me. I just need to tell her how I feel.
Nice timing! I know. But Eddie Shannon's not right for her.
And you are? I've known her since I was five.
It never occurred to you to ask her out? We went out for years.
And you dumped her.
And she's got a new fella. You're jealous! I love her.
I've always loved her. She feels the same.
He's just got in the way. All I want is five minutes on my own with her. No, Sean.
You can't do this to her. Not now.
She's hardly going to call off her wedding five minutes before she's due to get married.
I might do, for a big diamond
and "I love you" written in the sky with...
What? It's romantic. We cannot be late. Not today.
Yeah. You do seem to have left it a bit late.
Oh. Have a heart. He's love sick. He's a dickhead.
And you're a dickhead's mate.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Over here, girls!
This way, ladies. There you go.
No bride!
Jacks, how much do you believe in Candy Cabs? Ten million percent.
Watch your fingers. There she is. Right.
I'll see you there.
Kendra! This way. Smile.
You look wonderful.
MUSIC: "Neverending Story" by Limahl
ON TANNOY: 'Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stadium
'your bridesmaids!'
CHEERS AND WHISTLES
CROWD SINGS: # Why are we waiting?
♪ Why are we waiting...? ♪
I don't know why you're going through with this.
He's been with some girl. You'll be a laughing stock...
Mum, shut up. Let me handle this my way.
Oh, love. I'm sorry, it's just that...
Well, you're my baby. I'm not. I'm a grown woman.
You've got to stop treating me like I'm a child.
♪ Why are we waiting Oh, why, why, why...? ♪
With a man like that you'll never have a minute's peace, wondering who he's with.
I just don't want that for you. You're my little princess.
Are you OK? No. She's right, isn't she? What you going to do?
Make a show of him, like your friend said.
Teach him a lesson in front of his home crowd. Jackie? She's a lunatic.
Nobody's gonna walk all over her, though, are they?
So it's all my fault, is it? I might have bloody known!
Putting crazy ideas into her head.
You cost us the biggest day we are likely to get.
I knew going into business with you was a big mistake. Could you be more dramatic? Gwyneth Paltrow!
My Tiny Tears didn't cry as much as you.
Sean! Sean!
Jackie. Don't you dare put this phone down on me!
CROWD JEERS AND WHISTLES
Sean, what are you doing here? I set Eddie up. Eh?
Some girl I know. I told her to run up and grab him on his stag do.
Make it look bad. So Kendra would get jealous, call it off.
She might still do that, you know. What do you think I'm doing here?
I've been trying to confess but she won't take my calls.
Have you come to tell her you're sorry or that you love her?
Both, I suppose.
I know she really wants him.
She told me that on her hen night.
ON TANNOY: 'Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding
'for the blushing bride, Kendra.'
CHEERS AND WHISTLES
Kendra, please. I swear to God. Nothing happened.
She's just some wannabe. I love you. I wouldn't do that to you.
Baby, please, speak to me.
At least look at me.
'My lords, ladies and loyal fans of this great football club.
'The minister is about to ask Kendra Louise and Edward James Malcolm to exchange vows.'
It's you and me. I cross my heart. I've never looked at another girl.
What's that mascot playing at? He's not the flamin' best man!
EDDIE: Mate, seriously.
'Two mascots?'
Are you for real? This is my wedding day.
Tell me I'm dreaming. Where the hell is Jackie?
Kendra! You've got to marry Eddie. He didn't cheat on you.
Sean set up them photos to cause trouble.
See?
No. Oi!
Give me my head back!
Wa-hoo!
Jackie? Candy Cabs!
ALEX: Candy Cabs! Candy Cabs!
CROWD JOINS IN: Candy Cabs! Candy Cabs!
Candy Cabs! Candy Cabs! Candy Cabs!
Trust you. I thought it was off. So did I.
Well done. Quite a show. You thought about my offer?
What you on about? You haven't had a chance to discuss it. I need a decision today.
Mr Ho, I haven't had a chance to talk to my partner.
You're trying to buy us out? It's a compliment.
You been having secret pow-wows? You traitor!
It wasn't like that. He turned up last night to my house.
Well, you've seen what we're about today. We are fantastic!
And amazing. And see that crowd out there? They love us.
This time next year we'll be buying YOU out.
This isn't just your decision.
I'm sorry, Mr Ho. She's right.
We are totally fabulous but we are not for sale.
Hurry up. You're gonna miss it!
'Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Mr and Mrs Edward Shannon.'
CHEERS AND WHISTLES
MUSIC: "Up Where We Belong" by Joe Cocker
Kids, we haven't got time!
Channelle, what have I said? No strangling outside the house!
I hope these are super dry for your stinky bum-bum!
Eh? Little fella?
WOMAN: Tony, did you drop Charlie off at his nana?
Er, yeah.
SCREAMING
How can you not breathe but you can scream?
This is it, Mum.
Thought I'd bring you back to our special happy place.
I just wanted to let you know that I'm OK.
Dad said that I can go to Spain with him for a few months to see if my singing career takes off.
I'm going to make you really, really proud.
Happy birthday, Shaz.
We miss you.
Goodbye, my darling.
Best friend we ever had.
You've got two new mums now.
And an Auntie Marigold!
BOTH LAUGH
We're an invincible double act.
Sexist? Tribunal hearing.
Cagney and Lacey. Bye bye, boring Elaine Partridge.
Starsky and Hutch.
Thelma and Louise. They drove off a flaming cliff!
You are one vile, disgusting two-timing rat!
♪ Please don't let me fall in love
♪ Too late, you're hooked I'm afraid
♪ A heart is hard to dissuade
♪ I won't lie to you
♪ There is nothing you can do
♪ He is playing with my heart
♪ And no good will come of this
♪ He is in control
♪ The leading role. ♪
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd