Watch those fingers.
After we dice our giblets, we set them aside.
Now, let's take a look and see how our gravy is coming along.
We deglazed our pan, simmered our stock...
...and now we're ready to add two big T's of flour.
But we don't wanna just dump them in, we want to fold them in gently.
Keep stirring while you do it, always keep stirring.
Make sure you move the whisk all over the bottom--
My mother's gravy never had lumps.
My secret weapon.
-Thanks. -Your first class?
I have a great kitchen which I've never been in. Time to learn to cook.
-Trying to catch a guy? -I'm not trying to catch a guy.
But if I was trying to catch a guy, I wouldn't be looking for someone...
...who wanted a maid. You and I were not put on Earth to cook and clean.
I know, I'm a neurologist.
But look around you, two thirds of this class are guys...
...who are more interested in balsamic vinegar than the Baltimore Colts.
My kind of fellas.
He's kind of cute over there.
But I think I'll stick with my giblets.
Slicing, dicing, and stirring can really take it out of you.
But think, now you know all there is to know...
...about pan gravy, béchamel, and hollandaise. See you next week.
I can't wait! The industrial uses of garlic.
You're all right.
That's good.
Help.
Help!
Help.
Yes. Yes, I'm stuck in the elevator.
No, don't open the doors. There's been a murder, call the police.
Upstairs.
Freeze.
-My God, I forgot to tell you. -Miss Hayes, get back to the car.
You don't understand. She's my cousin.
-I thought you said you lived alone. -I do.
Annie's staying with me or was staying with me.
I left you a note. Maddie, what's happening?
I saw a crime. These men are making sure he didn't wait for me.
-We'll check out the house. -Thanks.
-Maddie, are you okay? -Yes. I'm a little shaken up, that's all.
-I'll go unpack right now. -No, Annie.
Yes, Maddie. I'm not gonna leave you alone...
...when something like this is happening.
Don't change your plans for me.
Mark can't wait for you to get home.
I wasn't going back to Connecticut.
Well, then I guess you don't need to change your plans.
Forget about it, I'm staying with you. David will understand.
I don't want you to stay here tonight.
Well, I can say as I blame you.
You have every right to wanna see me drawn and quartered.
Maybe I do. But that's not why I want you to stay at David's.
-Excuse me, I need to check this room. -Sure.
-It might not be safe here. -Well, why don't you clear out then?
Because I saw a man killed and I wanna help the police find the murderer.
No big deal, it's what I do for a living.
Do you have any idea how guilty I feel?
Why should you feel guilty, your husband's 3000 miles away?
Well, that's not really what I was feeling guilty about.
Believe me, I've tried to.
I don't even feel guilty about not feeling guilty.
I did a crummy thing to you.
David and I are nothing but business partners. We want it that way.
If you and he wanna be whatever, it's your karma.
So next time I come back as a cockroach.
A dung beetle.
Are you sure you're gonna be all right here alone?
I'm not alone. Don't worry about me.
You're the one that's not gonna get any sleep tonight.
Yeah, David really is sort of a night person, isn't he?
Yes, he is at first.
But then he snores a lot.
-Good morning. -Good morning, Miss Hayes.
-Any messages? -Messages?
Pieces paper with things written on them.
Oh, no.
This is Detective Donegan, he's gonna be with us for a while.
-Let's try to make him welcome. -Good morning, Detective Donegan.
Good morning.
-I'll bein my partner's office. -Go, don't let me get in your way.
-Would you like some coffee? -Sure.
-David. -Maddie.
I'm glad to see you in one piece.
-I'm glad to bein one piece. -Any word on the fruit loops...
-...who tried to pierce your ears? -Not yet.
-You can quit worrying. -What's this?
I cashed in all my flyer coupons.
Maybe you'd like to take a vacation to Chicago. See your folks. Lay low.
David, I really appreciate it but I'm not going to Chicago.
-Beats going to the mattresses. -I'm not going anywhere.
You can't just wait for the hot slugs to rip into your flesh.
-You're trying to get rid of me. -I'm not. I was worried sick about you.
You don't have to worry because I have an escort.
-What? -A bodyguard.
-Yes, he's a policeman.
-Is he out here? -Yes, he's right outside in the office.
-Hi, you must be? -Detective Donegan.
-Nice to meet you. -My partner, David Addison.
-Pleasure. -Anything you wanna tell me?
-Excuse me. -Wanna bring me up to speed?
I'm gonna be keeping an eye on Miss Hayes for a while.
Good. If you have to guard a body, she's got a pretty good one.
You'll learn to ignore him.
This is gonna be round the clock surveillance?
-Twenty-four hours a day. -She'll never be alone?
-Never. -Good.
Can't tell you how happy that makes me.
Freshen this man's coffee, keep him bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
-Yes, sir. -I've had enough.
-Well. If you need anything, just yell. -Will do.
Good. Nice to meet you.
Come in.
-Mind if I check your office? -Be my guest.
Your partner certainly is concerned about you.
I'm not sure concerned is the right word.
Relieved is more like it.
He's very busy right now on another project.
Might want to stay away from these windows, just to be on the safe side.
-More coffee, Detective Donegan? -Thank you. I've had enough.
-You're visiting Miss Hayes? -Staying with her, actually.
-In her house? -In her car, here, everywhere she goes.
You poor man.
It's not such a bad assignment. She seems nice enough.
Oh, Miss Hayes is nice enough.
She's nicer than nice enough.
That's why you're gonna fall in love with her.
By the time you've realised that the romance is doomed...
...because she isn't the kind who could love a mere mortal, it'll be too late.
You'll already have lost your job, be living in a doorway...
...shrieking at the pedestrians about the government.
I'm so sorry, Mr. Donegan.
-You want some more coffee? -No, thank you. I've had plenty. Thanks.
-So you said your name's Donegan. -Yeah.
We got Donegans on my grandmother MacGi icuddy's side.
-You're a MacGi icuddy? -Yeah, proud of it.
-Where are you from? -Cork.
-Kerry. -No kidding.
-Good to meet you. -Nice to see you.
-Have you been there? -Yeah. Well, I was 3.
-it's so beautiful. -Yeah, I remember, it's green.
I remember it being green.
Well, our friend MacGilicuddy is certainly sucking up to that copper.
You can suck up to him too, honey, if you want to.
No, thank you.
There's something about that guy I don't like.
-An aroma. -Your nose is just out of joint...
...because he's talking to MacGi icuddy.
Do you really think I'm that small?
No, Agnes.
My mojo tells me that guy is just about as unkosher as Paddy's pig.
You're home.
-Don't look so happy. -I am so disappointed.
I was gonna have this picnic on the floor and I wanted to surprise you.
You did surprise me.
Is that the smell of food being prepared in this house?
That's leg of lamb. You hungry?
You'll have to wait for a while...
...because I had to go out and buy pots, pans, plates and silverware.
Somebody stole the pots and pans and everything?
-I got this gift for you. -For me?
Big white box.
And a pillow.
Yeah, you know what kind it is.
It's a throw pillow.
-A throw pillow. -Like you put on a couch.
Well, now all we need is the couch.
Couch.
I can't believe you did this.
I was thinking, first you get a couch, then you get a coffee table.
You gotta get a magazine subscription to put on the coffee table.
Then you got a whole room of furniture and absolutely no place to sit down.
The soft floor seems to be going away. What--
The couch got a little larger.
-Do you like this couch? -I like this couch except--
What are you doing?
I'm trying to remove the plastic.
Well, I paid good money for that plastic.
I did.
I can make you something else if you like.
I could whip you up a little gravy.
No, thanks. This is great.
I prefer to eat light in the evening.
Well, they say it's healthier not to eat much after 6:00.
Frannie's really been on me about my cholesterol.
-Frannie is your wife? -Landlady.
She locked her keys in the car last week.
Excuse me.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Mark. Yes.
This is Maddie.
Oh, I'm fine.
Annie's fine too.
Well, she's not here at the moment.
She went out to see a movie.
Well, it was a double bill so I don't know when ....
Well, this is the movie capital of the world after all.
Yes, I'll tell her you called.
I'm sure she misses you too, bye.
If you could be any place else in the world right now...
...where would it be?
Istanbul?
Or the bedroom.
-You have a one-track mind. -I have an eight-track mind.
They just don't make the tapes anymore.
-Do you think my jokes are too stupid? -No.
-What's that? Holy cow. -The dinner.
I told you we should have left that plastic on.
Mr. Addison, good morning.
It is a good morning isn't it. Miss Hayes?
-Her office. -The flatfoot?
Ditto. They've been in there all morning.
-Any idea what they're up to? -No good.
-Did you get a gander at his watch? -Whose watch?
Donegan's. Rolex, presidential.
Yeah, so what?
Where is an honest, underpaid deputy dog...
...gonna come up with the bones to blow on a top-of-the-line ticker?
Maybe he won it on a game show.
But his alibi checks out perfectly.
Right, which is exactly why it feels like an alibi.
-Hello, David. -Hi. What are you two kids up to?
Sergeant Donegan has a lead on the Anselmo case.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
-We're in the middle of something. -It can't wait.
Oh, okay. Excuse me.
I got a great idea. We should hire this guy.
I mean, since cases are no longer confidential.
David, this man is a detective, a real detective.
James Garner was a real detective. This clown's a civil servant.
This clown's given us a lead on the Anselmo case.
We should hire this genius of detectivity...
...who masterminded a sting operation whereby not only his buddy get killed...
...but he landed a job babysitting a sitting duck.
Wasn't his fault I walked into that.
How could anyone have possibly foreseen...
...an innocent bystander in a public garage?
-You know what? You're jealous. -What? Really?
Of another male on your turf.
You think I care about this turf here? Look, give all the turf away.
You should hang out with the Green Bay Packers.
You should move in with the Green Bay Packers.
Yeah, it might calm you down. Probably clear your complexion up too.
What are you wearing right now?
-Sir, they're after me. -How about lunch? I'm on the phone.
I'm sorry that I have to burst in like this but the fact is--
-No problem. -I have something of a past.
-A criminal past. -Well.
The red zone is my only vice.
-It was a spur-of-the-moment invitation. -$2743 in unpaid parking tickets.
-Anybody I know? -Apparently, the M-word...
...MacGilicuddy found out and called that relative of his.
-Go ahead. -Now I've got a tail.
-Donegan. -See you.
Not like I'm a pretty boy, but I couldn't take it in the joint.
I need to borrow some cash.
-What? -$2743.
Who says you're not a pretty boy, Burt?
-She left. -Any idea where she went?
Meeting someone for lunch.
Be back in about an hour I got an errand to run.
-Your table. -Thanks.
-Sorry you have to eat there alone. -it's all part of the job.
-Hi. -Hi, Maddie, I'm sorry I'm late.
I think the cabdriver arrived in America yesterday.
Oh, Annie, this is Detective Donegan. He's the one who's supposed...
-...to keep me out of trouble. -Don't get up.
Thanks for the invitation. Are you okay? Did they catch that guy?
Not yet but I feel pretty safe with my fairy godfather there.
This is nice.
It's not like we've seen a lot of each other.
Cocktails for the ladies?
Is the sun over the yardarm yet?
Who cares. Pitcher of margarita, no salt.
So.
Okay.
-So I'm dreading this lunch. -Why?
Because, Maddie...
...you've been so adult and mature about this whole David thing.
I figured you're gonna have to freak out at me.
David's not the problem. I'm relieved he's getting on with things.
-But-- -Mark called last night.
-I covered for you. -Where was I?
-At the movies. -You're a pal.
I'm a heel. I hated lying to him.
It's not fair to him, it's not fair to me.
-I'm sorry. -I can't tell you how to handle this.
-I don't wanna be in the middle of it. -I should call him.
Tell him the truth. I don't want to hurt him.
I think he deserves better than all of us conspiring behind his back.
Sooner or later he has to know.
It's getting serious with you and David.
Well, you know David.
I mean, what's serious? But, yeah, I think it is.
-Do you know what you're doing? -For the first time in a very long time...
...I can actually say that I have no idea what I'm doing...
...and it's such a sense of freedom. Mark is all reason and order...
...and stability and David is--
The connoisseur of chaos.
Oh, no. David, what are you doing here?
I was in the neighbourhood. I thought the three of us could break bread.
Did I interrupt? If you're having some family discussion...
-...I can go make some calls. -Go make some calls...
...and not come back.
They have good appetizers at this place?
David, I don't recall inviting you to lunch.
It's easier to get your digs in behind my back.
That's why you're here. You're afraid we're talking about you.
His ego is out of control. He thinks every conversation...
-...revolves around him. -Tell me I'm wrong.
Tell me right to my face that your luncheon here...
...isn't some misguided public announcement...
...about how David is harmful to your health.
-Even in small doses. -I rest my case.
Maybe Annie should know that you do a lot of things for the wrong reasons.
Maybe she should.
Just be careful, Annie.
Thank you for the lunch.
You know something, Maddie, you're starting to sound desperate.
Sorry about dragging you into that Chinese fire drill.
Don't think about it. it's part of the job.
Your job is to keep me out of the line of fire...
...not follow me into some black hole.
-When I was a unie, I used to-- -Unie?
-Yeah, a uniformed officer. -Oh.
I used to go on domestic calls all the time.
That's the way we sounded?
Not quite as much volume. But we all got bad habits.
-Can I ask you a question? -Sure.
-What do you see in him? -A hundred and twenty-five bucks...
-...an hour in shrink bills. -it's none of my business.
No, it's like you said. He was a bad habit.
Just makes me sick watching him do his number on my cousin.
He's getting the short end of the stick, letting somebody like you get away.
-Mr. Addison. -Yo.
I have to talk to you in private.
I don't think you want to be this private.
I took out a bank Ioan to pay my parking tickets.
While I was at police headquarters I did a little investigating on my own.
It turns out that an ethics review board is sniffing after Donegan.
Well, he ain't no Dudley Do-Right, sir.
The blonde ain't no Sweet Nell, Burty.
But the investigation keeps getting held up.
Apparently, Donegan has some friends in very high places...
...with lots of vowels in their last names.
Burt.
-Yes, sir. -Stay out of it.
'd hate for you to find Mr.Ed's head between your sheets.
Very good, sir.
Welcome to Love Connection.
Where old-fashioned romance meets modern-day technology.
You still mad at me?
No.
Even though I ruined your lunch?
Well, you're entitled to be a jerk every now and then.
I'm sorry.
I know how you can make it up to me though.
You can buy me a pizza.
-Pizza. -Extra large.
Extra cheese. Olives.
Extra olives. Sausage.
-You're not pregnant, are you? -No. I got you a present.
Get out of here. You got me something?
A blue bow. Oh, this is so cute.
-Can I open it now? -Yes.
Oh, this is so nice.
You must have spent a fortune on wrapping paper.
-Oh, Annie. -it's an earring.
I know it's an earring. Haven't worn one of these for a while.
Hi.
Sign here.
Thanks.
David, you shouldn't have.
I didn't.
I guess you have a secret admirer.
Oh, I won't look.
"Wouldn't blame you for wanting to prune the family tree.
Sorry about today. I'm a jerk. Maddie."
I think that's sweet.
Oh, it's so sweet. Oh, I love it. It just breaks my little heart.
-You're so angry at her. -I am not angry at her.
Come on, David. I've apologised to Maddie.
She has apologised to me. You've apologised to me.
I don't wanna apologise to her. I don't have anything to apologise about.
The only people at war in this menage are you two.
I feel like I'm in the middle, David, and I don't like it.
-Sure you wouldn't like a glass of wine? -I'd love one but I'm on the clock.
Oh, I forgot. I don't remember the last time I used that fireplace.
I always wondered who buys these pressed logs.
Well, what are you supposed to burn?
Oak, hickory. Cedar's pretty good but I prefer the hardwoods.
They burn longer and hotter with less flame.
Where do you suggest that I get hickory?
Next time I'm up north, I'll throw a cord in the back of the truck for you.
You don't have to go to that trouble.
Be no trouble at all.
Wonder where Gordon is.
I got a curtain to make, or I'm gonna have one unhappy 9-year-old.
You can go on. I'll be okay until he gets here.
It's all right, he'll be here soon.
She's pretty excited. it's not every day you get a role like the Red Pencil.
You been here 48 hours, and all I know about you is...
...you have a 9-year-old niece, and your landlady locked her keys in the car.
You got the greatest eyes.
Thanks.
I gotta go.
-Maddie here? -it's all right, officer, I know him.
Okay. Fine.
Maddie, shame on you.
-He's replacing Detective Donegan. -What did you do? Wear him out?
He went to see his niece. What do you want?
-Not gonna ask me in? -No.
Okay.
Brought these by for you to look at.
It's a copy of Mr. Anselmo's will.
You weren't in the office today. Maybe you wanna look at it.
Thanks.
It was nice chatting with you.
David.
Maybe we should take a little vacation from each other.
I still have those tickets, the ones to Chicago...
-...if you wanna go see your folks. -Cash them in, take Annie somewhere.
You want me to take off work and take Annie on a vacation?
Desperate women do desperate things.
Good night.
Yeah, Burt. Dave.
Addison.
No, this does not mean that we're on a first-name basis now.
All right. Look, write this number down.
J18-X-812.
Now I want you to get a hold of your pal down at the DMV.
I want you to run a make on that license plate...
...silver stretch limousine.
All right. Good.
No, you cannot call me Dave.
Yeah, it's me.
Yeah, it's going down tonight.
' be in the house with her alone. Right.
Come on. come on.
Maddie, where are you right now?
Good. Stay there. All right, lock the doors.
Get under the bed and don't move until I get there.
Just do like I ask you, all right? Just stay put. Okay. Bye.
Special Agent Viola. Blue Moon Investigations.
-I'd like to speak with your superior. -You're looking at him, pal.
At approximately 1900 hours this evening...
...a certain rotten egg in this department...
...was seen departing a white stretch limousine.
Licence number: 187 x-ray bravo 12.
The vehicle was registered to one Mr. Hector K. Victor...
...well-known underworld boss.
I'll wear a wire.
Oh, come on, train me.
Give me orders. I'll do anything.
My boss' life, let alone my own employment, are resting...
...in the slimy hands of this mick Donegan.
Now...
...what's our first move?
You can't get away with this.
What about due process? What about Miranda?
I demand my phone call. I demand my attorney.
I demand my belt.
-What's the matter with you? -Are you all right?
-What are you doing here? -Help me up.
What was that call?
Why was I hiding in the closet? Why are you coming to my window?
-Donegan's a dirty cop. -Good night.
-We gotta get out of here. -You haven't liked him...
-...from the moment you met. -I think he's working for the guy...
...who killed that cop in the parking garage.
-That man would never hurt me. -I'm sure he's very fond of you.
But somebody hired your bodyguard...
...to make sure your body doesn't walk, talk...
-...or breathe for a long time. -I know what's bothering you.
-The thought of you with a toe tag. -I'm spending time with someone...
...you can't feel superior to, who listens to me.
Someone I can be myself with.
Is that why he lied to you about going to his niece's play? I followed him.
Your life is in danger. We got two choices.
You can pick out the nightie you wanna be buried in or we can get out of here.
What's up?
I know all about your little scheme.
David says you're trying to set me up. Are you trying to set me up?
Go ahead. Tell her, Donegan.
Tell her about the limo.
The phone call you made.
I guess you think you're a pretty good detective.
Yeah.
I got a guy downtown spilling his guts to the police about your little story.
-Is that so? -Now, you wanna step out of the way?
David.
-Are you all right? -Oh, I'm fine.
All right, Donegan, you wanna play rough, huh?
-David. -I'm just giving him a chance...
...to get a little head start.
Come on, Maddie, whack him.
With my mother's mother's wedding vase?
Come over here and hit him in the head, please.
The hell you women take ....
This guy thought of everything. Phone's dead.
-I'll go and call the police. -That won't be necessary.
There's your man, officer. What happened to you?
-I happened to him. -Hands up.
-Us. -it's him.
-Who? -The man killed the cop.
Maddie, this man's a cop.
-Right? -Let's get this over with as quickly...
...and as painlessly as possible, all right?
-Does this place have a basement? -Wait a minute.
-What's going on here? -Not sure I understand the question.
Maddie was a witness to a killing.
Now she's about to become victim of a gang slaying.
-She's gonna have company. -You owe her the courtesy...
...of explaining why she's about to be killed.
-Narcotics, isn't it? Money laundering. -Counterfeiting? White slavery?
You expect me to stand here...
...and explain everything to you while I should be making my escape?
-Kind of how it works. -You watch too much TV. Move it.
-I don't watch that much TV. -Move.
-Good work, officer. -No thanks to you.
You have the right to remain silent.
If you give up the right, anything you say...
...can and will be used against you in a court of law.
What? Narcotics, money laundering?
White slavery?
You have a right to an attorney.
-Cars. -Cars?
If you can't afford one, an attorney will be provided...
...without charge before questioning.
This worm and other dirty cops have been turning around cars...
...impounded by the department.
This thing was about a couple of stolen cars?
It's a multi-million dollar operation.
Ferraris. Maseratis.
Even a couple of lives have been lost.
Understand these rights as they've been given to you?
You're gonna get done just like your partner.
I wouldn't be so sure about that.
Oh, I would.
-I'll take that. -You two?
-You're a disgrace to the department. -Shut up.
Wait a minute. Hold it, hold it, hold it.
You sure you're supposed to be on this episode?
You shut up. This place got a basement?
They're from the department of redundancy department?
Get this guy off me and help me up. We'll finish them off right here.
Freeze.
My French doors.
Couldn't they all use the same window?
My piano. My house. David, do something.
This may be a good time to transcend the material plain.
Give me this, you dirty rats. Watch it now, you could really hurt--
-Yeah, sorry for the misunderstanding. -Okay.
-Take care of yourself. -Go ahead.
Kind of a mess, huh?
At least the maid's coming tomorrow.
-Thanks. -For what?
Trying to look out for me.
That's what partners are supposed to do, right?
Partners, eh?
I'm glad you're okay.
I'll see you later.
You know what I like about this place.
That there's a fire in the fireplace 365 days of the year?
How did you know that?
Well, you know some things about a person after a few days.
Am I ever gonna see you again?
Department's picking up the hotel tab, I take you to dinner.
L'd like that too. But maybe not tonight, after all I've been through.
I don't think I'd make a very good dinner companion.
-How about a rain cheque? -Okay.
-Thanks. -Just doing my job.
-Hi. -Yes.
You have a reservation for Hayes?
Yes, Miss Hayes. How many will there bein your party?
Just me.