Look at this.
Cute. That is so sweet!
Read the comment. "Cat gets in WHEELY tight spot." Funny.
Can't breathe... Please... Why are you filming this?!
That is adorable. I wonder how he got in there?
Someone, help! That rat stole my Bombay mix.
Compromise, I will let you keep the little dried peas, deal?
I wonder if my head would fit through that tyre.
Please, please, why are you filming this?!
Look at you, you are loving this, aren't you?
Prick!
The thing I find most amazing... seven of our firemen
and women work through the night to set you free and then give up.
I don't suppose anyone has AA membership.
How much did that tyre cost?
It is a lightweight alloy. I believe it retails in the region...
Does that take into account inflation?
Brap! Brap! Brap!
Disrespect, owned, gutted, served, played.
Bitch slap, you got schooled, biatch.
OK, I'm done.
OK, you've got to laugh. When you are alone, you have got to cry.
At least you made YouTube's most viewed.
You are an ironic folk hero like that retarded
kid who made that stupid Star Wars video.
You mean Hayden Christensen?
- Fair play, Nelson, good one. - Hayden Christensen,
- brilliant! - I am on fire and so quick.
You are like Michael McIntyre on speed.
Can I quote you? Just getting material together
should I wish to go down the stand-up route.
Rosie. Rosie. Rosie. Rosie. Rosie
Yes. You're a slag. All right, you lot?
Just catching up with me mates.
Lovely stuff. That's what noise? What noise? That noise.
I can't hear anything. It is like really annoying high-pitched squealing.
I wasn't aware Leona Lewis had a single out.
I am officially no longer on fire.
I would like to formally withdraw my quote.
It is like it is coming from in the pub.
OK, Marion, let's get you out that tyre.
" I've got a very bad feeling about this."
Sorry. Just getting the second wave. Hayden Christensen.
Who is he, out of interest?
We need to need to get our hands on that planning application.
It is impossible. We won't make it past the reception.
Nothing is impossible with the help of a trench coat.
Hop on, my learned friend.
The problem is twofold, A, we are only three feet tall
and B, we still have the face of a fox.
You're standing on my inner-tube.
Alternatively, we just go in through the open window.
Which would be easier.
Someone is watching me on YouTube. Look at the joy on their faces.
I am like that retarded kid who made the stupid Star Wars...
I am not doing it again.
I'll do it myself. Hayden Christensen.
Gary, he is building a smoking area.
He is concreting over my den.
Someone is coming.
Guten tag. Afternoon.
Maybe you can help. I am looking for the bureau of maintenance.
- Next door down. - Danke Fraulein.
That was too close. Come on.
It is definitely coming from around here.
One of them things with chocolate in it.
- Were you knocking? - Who are you?
You came, finally someone heard my distress whistle.
That noise was you, you goose penis!
I need help. We are all in danger.
It is your owner, Gary. I get what's going on.
They sent you, didn't they, the CIA?
No. FBI? No. NSA? No.
MI5? No. MI6? No.
- The Bilderberg Group? - No.
The Freemasons?
No. Opus Dei? No. Parcel force? No.
Bastards. Any time between 9am and 12pm they said... my arsehole!
- Rude, they are. - OK, you big mental fruitcake,
lovely to meet you. Back in your box.
I know the truth about this place. That's why Gary stuck me down here,
because I know too much.
Take me with with you and I will tell you everything.
Anything to stop that stupid noise.
Bloody hell.
Well, it is all here... you will lose your home
- within 24 hours. - Joanna Lumley and the Ghurkhas!
It is OK, Nelson, I have seen the acclaimed
Disney Pixar movie, Up, many times.
I can save your property.
I have abducted a fat boy scout.
Anyone remember what happens next?
Do I have any legal grounds for an appeal?
No, I will tell you for why, because you are a fox.
That old argument. That's it.
I will have to move away from my destiny.
There is one clause in the planning permission
if your bin store was the habitat of an endangered species,
then the whole thing would be shut down.
But I'm not endangered.
Forgive me, but I have a lot of people to see.
Would you mind removing that overweight child from my office.
It's something like this, no?
Which one, exactly?
Yeah, back on fire.
Just found him in some box, he has been in there years.
What have you been doing that time?
Thinking, theorising and using my mind as a
weapon against those who would seek to destroy me
also snoozing. A lot of snoozing. I would estimate 99.9% snoozing,
but I have ME.
Yeah, right, of course, you do The old yuppy flu. If you reckon.
It exists, it is a real condition, just like post-traumatic stress disorder.
Or sexy horse syndrome.
It's kind of embarrassing. It's not that I feel any different.
I have started getting a lot of looks, a lot
more attention. I've got total strangers
giving me sugar cubes.
Your eyelashes just go on and on and on.
Come skiing with me. This is kind of what I'm on about.
Hand off me leg. I said, stop touching me.
Neigh means neigh.
Chums, would anyone happen to know a greater horseshoe bat?
A Eurasian river otter, a bottle-nosed dolphin.
Or a Duke of Burgundy moth looking to rent a spacious double room
in a fully-furnished three-bedroom fox's den.
Zone two, close to shops and local amenities,
£300 pcm. Professional non-smoking Sagittarian female vegan preferred.
Gumtree it is.
- What was so important that you called me? - It is this pub.
Let's just say I know where the bodies are buried.
- Where? - See those headstones.
- Just there. - That's what they are. - I have always wondered.
I can't quite read the names.
Then I can't read so I don't know why I'm doing the polishing thing.
Cindy, Flossy, Dougal, Lady, Poppy,
these are the graves of your predecessors.
What predecessors?! Gary never told you about the others?
Then, guys, I think you better come with me.
Alternatively I tell you where we are going and I come with you.
Zero replies to the ads so far.
I have to step up my search for an endangered flatmate.
Afternoon BLEEP.
Actually, Vince.
Sorry. Morning BLEEP.
Afternoon BLEEP.
Indeed. Hello. You wouldn't know any endangered species?
When I was a cub, my nanny took me to the
dentist, and then, afterwards, as a treat,
we went to Woburn Safari Park. I BLEEP the rhino.
- Does that help? - Not really.
Well. Lovely to see you both. Nice tyre BLEEP.
Thank you.
Bravo, Nelson, bravo indeed.
You see, Charlie, and this is going to come as a shock,
you are adopted. What are you on about?
I am now your legal guardian.
I have the adoption papers right here. Those?
Those? They are me press shots. I send them out to every mug who sponsors me.
You thought you paid £39 a year and you got legal custody of a real live chimp.
It is not entirely made clear.
This, not a legally-binding document.
Could I just run that past my badger?
Be my guest, pal.
No, you're quite right.
God damn it, Nelson, always read the small print.
iTunes version 10.4. Terms and conditions.
I am sure they are fine and... accept.
I am here for your first-born!
You are joking me.
Where does that say that? Scroll down.
Scroll down. Scroll down. Scroll down.
Scroll down. There!
No, I should have scrolled down and I haven't.
And we reserve the right to share your e-mail address with third parties
we think marketing messages which might be of interest.
Come off it.
I don't suppose you would be interested in sharing a flat with me anyway.
- No. - Well, thanks for your time. Marion?
Is it me or did my air pressure just go up 120lbs per square inch.
- Don't play games. You know who I am. - I've seen the clip.
- What do you want? - I want to you inflate me.
I want you to run your fingers through my winter-weather tyre treads
and then I want you to fetch me a sandwich
and post some DVDs back to Love Film.
Do you want to know what I think?
Yes. But make it quick... final collection is half five.
I think you are a dick. Why every time there is a
cat on YouTube, it's doing something idiotic?!
You're perpetuating the cat stereotype. What cat stereotype?
That we're thick, lazy and can't swim.
- Check, check and check.- What kind of role model are you to young kittens?
Excuse me, but I happen to be an excellent...
Mam, check it out.
You are responsible for this.
I have been advised my badger to say nothing.
Now, I need to swing by Kwik-fit.
It turns out total death trap. Have you seen this kid?
I am sorry for your loss. I am not not sorry for your loss.
Prepare to go through the looking glass.
# Thank you for the days
# Those endless days those sacred days you gave me... #
He shot up.
# ..I won't forget a single day, believe me
# Days I'll remember all my life... #
What a load of balls!
Excuse me, just something in my eye.
Ironically I actually do have something in my eye.
Don't you get it? Gary is a psycho, killing dogs and burying them
in the garden, man. And you are next, yeah?
Bullcraps. He'd never kill me.
Then why is there a date ringed on the calendar
with the word "Destiny" next to it...
in red biro?
I wondered if you wanted to pop over and say your goodbyes to Destiny.
I'm getting a tablet from the vets tomorrow, makes her go to sleep.
Got it. It's just a bit of grit.
IMPACT ON WINDOW D'oh!
# I'm thinking of the days
# I won't forget a single day, believe me
# Days... #
I'll miss this place. So that's what a life amounts to, is it?
Six cardboard boxes. Five of those are unsold copies of that
historical romance novel I self-published.
You know, I never did hear back from Picador.
Excuse me, sir. I'm looking for Flat 14E, 229 Westferry Road?
Never heard of it. No, I've heard of a Bramblewick
Cottage, Flat 14E, 229 Westferry Road!
Because that's here, where I live!
Honestly, what is the point of going to all the effort
of naming a property if people are going to bloody ignore it?
Sorry, sir. We endangered red squirrels lead sheltered lives.
Red squirrel... would you like a dry sherry?
This wildcat got me thinking. How many cats do you see
given the chance to play intelligent, three-dimensional role
in mainstream TV drama like Spooks or, indeed, Waterloo Road?
- None. - Exactly. But what if I harness the power of YouTubes?
Not for cyber-bullying or intellectual property theft, but for good?
With this in mind, I have made a video that
shows what we cats are truly capable of.
A video, the like of which the world has never seen.
It a Downfall parody? Yeah. It is. It's not even a very good one.
It's Hitler finding out about the US remake of Spaced so it's very dated.
Also, couldn't work out how to do the subtitles
so I just stuck with the ones from the film.
It really doesn't work on any level whatsoever.
Man, you are pathetic.
Look, let me storyboard a few ideas. I'll get back to you.
Marion? It's Gary, he's killed his other dogs
which I'll be honest, I'm not that arsed about but I think I might be next
and I don't want to die!
Who's the tortoise?
I have to kill Gary.
Please, let me. I have lived in fear of this monster for 30 years.
- Time I slayed the dragon. - Well, come on then.
Tortoise and the hare, old boy. Tortoise and the hare.
So the older I get, the more I start to suspect
that maybe Aesop was just totally full of shit.
This is the main living space. South facing, so that's a yang energy
if you're into your feng shui.
Excuse me the mess on the rug.
Someone brought a lady home last night.
Jesus Christ, Vince! That's... That's Caroline Quentin.
Apparently he took exception to a particular episode of The Life Of Riley
which I personally think is perfectly passable... I digress.
Now, I just need to take a small damage deposit
and we can shake on hands.
I don't know, sir. This area seems kind of rough.
Rough? It's not rough. You see...
# Estate agents say Millwall is the jewel of the East End
# Canary Wharf's up-and-coming neighbour
# The house price indices have all gone up and bucked the trend
# And the amenities are improving every day
# Besides no-one's been stabbed here since Friday
# There's not been a murder all day
# No-one's been stabbed here since Friday
# And we've not been on Crimewatch since May #
Yay!
# There's a charming artists' quarter just behind those burnt-out cars
# A Banksy everywhere you lay your eyes... #
Is that a dead tramp lying there?
# Of course not, this is art
# Should be nominated for the Turner Prize
# And no-one's been stabbed here since Friday
# No-one's been strangled or maimed
# No-one's been stabbed here since Friday
# And you'll just love our new needle exchange... #
Key change!
# You probably won't get shot
# Drive-by shootings are rare
# But isn't that a drive-by shooting over there?
# Did I mention we're often on the Secret Millionaire?
# Yeah-heh
# No-one's been stabbed here since Friday
# Arson is on the decline
# No-one's been stabbed here since Friday
# And gang-related deaths are so rare, it's a crime
# It's a crime. #
Where do I sign?
So, you see, it's a perfectly lovely part of town.
Am I... Am I safe to go and forage? I like to forage.
Of course, you're safe. Forage, forage away! Forage like a...
Die, you endangered BLEEP!
I'm Vince Fox. You know me from hit BBC Three shows, Mongrels
and Honey, I BLEEP The Kids.
And I'm here to introduce a new kitchen cleaner.
New Cillit BLEEP.
On hobs,
on grills,
on surfaces,
on pots and pans.
BLEEP and the dirt is gone.
When it comes to cleaning my array of non-stick Ken Hom woks,
I'll only use new Cillit...
Say it! Don't want to!
Say the line.
I'll only use new Cillit BLEEP.
Cillit BLEEP. BLEEP!
I feel dirty.
Please don't kill her. Why?
I need her around for the building inspection.
They're concreting over my den!
Nelson, I like to think of myself as a reasonable kinda BLEEP.
I'll give her till this evening...
then she's torture porn!
Now, technically that does count as product placement.
OK, bell-end, action.
Hello.
I am here today to prove I am a serious educated cat.
And now a dramatic reading
from the acclaimed 2004 race relations movie White Chicks,
written and directed by celebrated renaissance men the Wayans Brothers.
"My God, you want to talk about mothers?"
"You want to talk about mothers? It's mother time, OK?"
"Your mama so dumb, she went to Dr Dre for a pap smear."
"Something wrong, Dr Dre. My coochie is a-doing the beatbox."
And there we have it. So it's goodbye from me,
and goodbye from my learned friend Desmond.
Desmond? Desmond!
Stand back.
Clear!
You know what? I've got it in photo mode.
Are you all right for another take?
Yeah, sure, I've got another one.
Go on then, how are you going to kill him?
The only way I know how, man. Slowly.
Passive smoking in his general area.
He will be stone cold dead within anywhere upwards of six to eight years.
Stand well back. Hang about.
Passport, suitcase? He's not killing me at all!
He's taking me away on holiday!
That's... That's even worse!
It'll be like when he dragged me on that
indulgent restaurant tour of the north of England.
My name is Michael Caine,
and not a lot of people know that.
You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off.
Well, I ain't going. I'll run away. Sorry to keep asking,
I don't suppose there's any chance of a hand downstairs? Sure.
Has anyone ever told you you can be very passive-aggressive?
My man on the inside just phoned.
The builders will be here within the next ten minutes.
Make sure your red squirrel is front and centre.
Got it. Out of interest, how are you getting intel?
Let's just say I have a MOLE at the planning department,
if you get my meaning?
See, I was expecting an actual mole. No, it's a person.
Bye. Badgers, a law unto themselves.
Mary, just in time. How was the foraging?
Amazing, great! Made a friend! Love this city!
I knew you'd settle in eventually.
This is Mumbles. Tell him about the nuts.
He found amazing nuts. They're amazing.
We were sat by this tree, yeah, then I found this silvery packet.
I thought it was peanuts, so I opened it cos I love peanuts. Peanuts are amazing!
But they weren't peanuts! They're even better than peanuts, which are amazing!
We ate a load, but I brought some back. What are they, macadamia?
Whitney Elizabeth Houston! That's crack cocaine!
Whatever it is, it's delicious and amazing!
Amazing! Amazing! Stop! Don't do that! I can't stop!
It's like Pringles! One pop! You can't stop!
Why should I stop? It's amazing! OK, OK, how much of this have you had?
Dunno, dunno. Like, about 60 nuts? 60, 70, 80 nuts?
85, 90? 90 nuts? 95 nuts!
Look, I'll brew you up some black coffee, and we can sit down and...
John Belushi, she's OD-ed! Wait! The old Pulp Fiction trick.
God, it actually worked.
So not everything you see in the movies is untrue.
Why did I ever sink all my money into this,
an Edwardian textiles museum? What was I think thinking?!
'lf you build it, they will come.'
Yes, thank you, spooky voice. I HAVE built it, on your advice, may I add.
'If you build a gift shop, they will come.'
I hardly see how that's going to help, frankly.
'How about a concession stand selling, you know, snacks and drinks,
'make it more of a day out for families. Then they will come.'
They're not coming, OK?! No-one is coming!
'Sorry, better grab this, it's the wife. Hello?
'Yeah, I'm with him now.
'He built it.
'No, they're not coming.
'It's quite awkward.
'I don't suppose you want to come?
'An Edwardian textiles museum.
'No, I understand.'
Now then, Little Miss,
we've got some planning permission regulations to interfere with.
Wait, I can't go out there!
I'm an addict, Nelson. I'm... I'm ashamed.
Fine. I'll get you cleaned up.
Time for another little lesson from the big screen.
Now, is this doing anything for you? Anything at all?
Because, I'll be honest, the harness?
Touch on the pinchy side.
The sad clown, desperate to be taken seriously.
Now I know how Eddie Murphy feels, and not for the first time.
So, Jeffrey, my angel, what offers have we had this week?
Let me guess, more crappy kids' films?
Sorry to bother, Mel B says she's missed her periods.
The way I see it, Marion, you can deconstruct the stereotype
until you're blue in the face.
Cats are pricks, end of.
It is true. We are pricks. End, as you say, of.
All we are good for is clowning around,
falling over and playing grade five piano.
You play the piano? Don't patronise me!
Like it's something special to be able to sit down and...
Red squirrel. That means we can't build here.
Hooray! Time's up, BLEEP.
Yes we can. No!
Hold on. Is that an endangered leatherback turtle?
Withnail AND I!
My precious den, it's saved!
No, that's not an endangered leatherback turtle.
Nooo!
Steve, mate, this quote, is this including VAT?
No, it's excluding VAT, mate.
I... I was already over budget.
Mate, I'll have to pull the plug. You what?
I'll pay for your labour and materials.
What would it be for all of that? Let's have a look.
Well, the important thing is my den's safe.
Something amazing happened!
See, I made a film of you playing the piano... Yeah?
And I took it away and uploaded it to YouTube... Yeah?
Everyone thought it was fake, and it got seven hits
so I made a slight tweak and...
Now everyone thinks you're a dick again!
I curse your vagina. I really, truly do.
Nelson! Nelson, Nelson! I need to hide in your den!
Gary's trying to take me away on holiday!
Destiny, you can't go in there. It is very literally a crack den.
You've got crack? In your den?
OK, don't suppose anyone's got any condoms?
Genuinely no idea how that that got in there.
Here comes another...
Subtitles by APOLLO www.addic7ed.com
Hayden Christensen?