Hey, I'm headed to the supermarket. Do you...
A little lady porn in the morning.
To help start your day off right?
No.
I'm looking at mackenzie's facebook page.
How did you get on?
I've been trying to get sophie.
To accept my friend request for a year.
Mackenzie wouldn't friend me either,
So I made up a fake profile.
"Tommy skateboard"?
I went with "tommy" because girls like boys named tommy.
And I went with "skateboard"
Because I had some peach schnapps this morning.
I love how happy you make yourself.
So tommy skateboard joined this morning,
And 20 minutes later,
Mackenzie and sophie accepted his friend request.
Wanna see sophie's page?
Oh.
I mean, isn't that an invasion of her privacy?
Uh-huh. That's what facebook's for.
Okay, let me see the page.
Okay, "hometown... austin, favorite band... arcade fire,
Relationship status... it's complicated."
"it's complicated"?
Pfft! What's... what's complicated about a relationship at 14?
Wait. What relationship?
I didn't know sophie was interested in a boy.
Wait.
What if it's not a boy? Maybe that's why it's complicated.
That's it then.
Sophie's gay.
Excuse me while I pray for a little tolerance in the world.
♪
Captioned by closed captioning services, inc.
Mackenzie posted that her dream after high school is.
To go to culinary school.
Had no idea. She ever mention that to you?
No. Last I heard, she was gonna be a princess.
Who lived on a rainbow with her nana and six puppies.
With 500 of their "friends," but they don't talk to us.
They're 14-year-old girls.
Do you really want to talk to them?
It's pretty normal, isn't it?
I mean, did any of you talk to your parents.
When you were their age? I tried.
But when I told them I had a crush on the pastor's son,
They locked me in my room.
Until I'd fasted the lust from my heart.
But, yeah, we talked.
I can't believe I have to go on the computer.
To find out what's going on with my kid.
We should do something, annie.
Hey, why don't we start having family night again.
Like we used to?
That was so much fun. Why did we ever stop doing that?
Because you all got divorced.
So just 'cause we're divorced.
Doesn't mean we're not still a family.
Actually, legally...
Actually, shut it.
I agree with annie. Just because we're not married any more.
Doesn't mean we can't hang out together.
Gary and I have kept our divorce very friendly.
Yeah, we have. So why are we gonna ruin it.
By spending more time together?
We're doing this for the girls.
There's gonna be girls there?
Our daughters, dumb-ass.
Dumb-ass. Nice.
Family night... really looking forward to it.
All right, it's settled. My place Wednesday night.
We are in.
Wait a minute.
Is this an intervention?
'Cause I've been doing really well lately.
Enjoy your family night with the girls.
And here is something I picked up from one of my clients.
That might come in handy...
"rush a gun. Run from a knife."
Okay. Hey. You know what?
I mean, if you want to, why don't you stop by?
I mean, for sophie.
I don't care what you do. I mean, it's only if you want to.
God, stop pestering me.
Okay. I'm in court all day Wednesday,
But I'll swing by after. Thanks for the invite.
See you. Bye.
- Bye, buddy. - Mm-hmm.
Nice.
What?
Inviting jack to family night.
Nice.
Oh, calm down. He was sitting here listening to us.
I don't care if he comes or not.
I just didn't want him to feel left out.
Why don't you just admit you have a crush on jack?
Because tommy skateboard has a big mouth...
And she drinks peach schnapps for breakfast.
Come in.
Hello!
- Hey, gary. - You ready for this?
Got a cold beer?
Got a six-pack in the fridge.
I love family night.
And you know what's gonna make family night even more fun?
No... Cell phones.
Put 'em in the bowl.
Wait. Are you serious?
Like, for real?
Tonight we are not gonna have any outside distractions.
No cell phones, television, no computers.
This is how horror movies start.
You, too, nik.
I can't.
I'm expecting a phone call from bitsy letterman.
She's getting her breasts, neck, and thighs done all in one day.
They call it the full chicken.
If she survives, I'm gonna get it done, too.
You want to look like bitsy?
Her eyes are where her ears used to be.
She looks like a hammerhead shark with bangs.
Put it in the bowl.
You too, gary. No cell phones.
Fine with me.
I don't want to get any calls anyway.
I'm going to take a little nap.
What's wrong with you?
I got a call at 4:00 a.M.
That the swan on the big water hazard was hatching her eggs.
They made you go in for that?
Made me?
Have you ever seen a baby swan open her eyes.
When the sun is rising?
It was majestic.
Okay, well,
Wake up, 'cause we are about to have so much fun!
We are gonna play board games and eat pizza.
And talk to each other.
And find out what's going on in each ether's lives.
Okay! What did we do?!
Just tell us and we'll say we're sorry!
Girls, don't be rude.
I'm trying to sleep over here.
Hey. Sorry I'm late.
No cell phones on family night.
Oh, yeah, totally.
Happy to participate. Fully supporting family night.
But I only got 20 minutes.
So group hugs, trust falls... what are we doing?
What?
My bass player quit.
We're playing tomorrow night in colorado.
I gotta find a new guy.
Come on, matt. This is important for sophie.
Besides, who really needs a bass player?
They just stand in the back and go...
♪ dum, dum, dum, dum ♪
second song.
♪ dum, dum, dum, dum ♪
The bass players are extremely important, annie.
They take the ugly groupies.
All right.
I am gonna go order the pizza now,
Which means that the family night train.
Has officially left the station.
Whoo-whoo! Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga.
Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga.
When you were 8, that made you shoot milk out of your nose.
Cloud cat? Rain cat?
- Mud cat. - Black dot mud cat.
Arrows. Indian cat.
It's a shooting star black dot mud cat!
It's a leopard.
Then why... why didn't you draw the black spots on the cat?
Why indeed?
Gary, you guys are up.
Okay, nikki, can you do something to wake him up?
He is bringing down the room.
I'll go get him a soda. Anyone else want anything?
Maybe some ham and cheese.
For everyone to nibble on.
Great idea.
I don't know why the hostess didn't think of it.
Okay, girls, that is not okay.
You need something a little heavier.
Leopard.
Bitsy.
Don't hang up. Don't hang up. Don't hang up.
Hello. Is this bitsy? Are you alive?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I-I... gary and I have the exact same phone.
And I picked his up by accident.
Who is this?
Well, hello, monica.
Can I give gary a message?
Left his jacket at your house.
Got it.
Now I have a little message for you.
Nikki!
I said no cell phones!
I know. I'm sorry.
I just found out that gary was out with a girl last night.
She keeps hanging up on me.
Hey, monica, we got disconnected.
Let me finish my thought.
If I ever see your whore face...
She hung up on me again.
Okay, listen, nikki, I get why you are upset,
But you and gary have been divorced for seven months.
I know, but I didn't know that he was dating already.
I know.
Look, I know it sucks.
I mean, there's still a little tiny part of me.
That gets upset when I see matt with other women.
It hurt worse when we were still married.
But, honey, you are gonna have to rise above this.
And do what's best for mackenzie.
I don't know if I can look at gary in the face.
I just want to kill him.
I know. Look, let's just get through tonight.
And tomorrow, I am with you 100%.
We can kill him and throw his body in his precious swan pond.
Oh, annie.
Thank you. That's beautiful.
Uh...
I refuse to guess on that.
It's a line with three circles on it.
Unacceptable. Draw better.
Mount rushmore.
That's my girl!
She just... she gets me like nobody else.
Oh, gary, I'm gonna miss you.
Okay.
Nikki, it's your turn.
Do you want me to go?
No. No, I'm fine. Really, I'm fine.
Attagirl. Rising above.
Oh, my god. You know about monica.
Seriously, you guys should play this game professionally.
Look, I have every right to date.
We're divorced. How did you even find out about her?
Because I answered your cell phone by mistake, that's how.
Your girlfriend sounds like a total skank, by the way.
Raspy voice? Get over yourself.
See, this is exactly why I said no cell phones on family night.
No, annie, this is why divorced families.
Don't have family night.
I can't believe you're dating already! We are divorced!
We've only been divorced seven months! D-I-v-o-r...
Okay, stop it!
We are not here to fight tonight.
Tonight is for the kids.
Now, please, let's not ruin this precious time.
We have with our beautiful daughters.
Where are our beautiful daughters?
Good god, I haven't worked this hard to keep people in a room.
Since my mama sent me next door to convert the cohens.
All right, everybody,
Minor setback, but we are back on track.
Now remember, we are all divorced,
So we cannot hurt each other any more.
All right, new game.
Each one of these cards has a topic on it.
You just pick and talk.
Pick and talk.
"would you rather meet your great grandparents.
Or your great grandchildren"?
I'd rather meet amber...
At the mall.
Here, mackenzie. I'll get us started.
"I have a boyfriend, too."
It doesn't say that.
Yes, it does. I have a boyfriend named reggie.
He loves massaging my feet.
They do not terrify him.
Okay. Let me pick a question.
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
Oh! Okay. There's the pizza, people.
Back on track.
Whoo-whoo!
Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga. Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga.
God, I need some new material.
Hey. I'm looking for matt.
Hey. Thanks for coming by, dude.
No problem.
I called a couple of bass players to come by and audition.
Excuse us a second.
Matt, get him out of here.
I mean, nikki's going crazy, the girls are trying to escape,
And you want to audition bass players
'cause you can't have one concert without your precious...
♪ dum, dum, dum, dum ♪
I mean, like anybody would notice.
Hey.
Come on, annie.
Don't make fun of the bass player to his face.
That's basic rock 'n' roll code.
Hey!
Mack, what's the matter, babe?
I'm so bored!
And I can't even text my friends to tell them how I feel.
And we don't know how they feel either.
It's like we're dead.
Sorry about that, guys. Okay, whose turn is it?
Still mine.
"Reggie lives on a houseboat."
Okay, you know what?
I give up.
I did everything I could to make this night fun for you guys,
But you are not even trying.
I just wanted us to communicate.
But you know what? It's a different time.
I get it.
Just tweet me if you're ever in trouble.
I'll always be there.
Wait. It's my turn.
"If you could only have one last meal, what would it be?"
Well, that's easy. Mom's mac and cheese.
I am not even kidding you.
The littlest baby swan walked right up to me.
And started pecking on my shoelace.
I think he thought it was a worm.
Silly swan.
Aw! Daddy, daddy, I want to see them.
Me, too.
What? You have a monopoly on liking baby animals?
Oh, it's the pizza. I'll get it.
Hey.
You're not pizza.
Annie, this is dominique.
This is my ex-sister-in-law annie.
I told jack that we could do dinner some other night.
I hope I'm not intruding.
Of course not! You are absolutely beautiful.
I mean, welcome. Not beautiful.
Not that you're not beautiful because you are.
I mean, congratulations on your beauty and everything.
Aw. Thank you, annie.
Oh, no, thank you.
Oh, my god.
That was weird, huh?
Why did I do that?
We just met, huh?
What the hell?
I just kissed your impossibly soft hand.
I am a real life crazy person.
Hey, real life crazy person, can we come inside?
Uh-huh. Come in. Come in.
Come in. Yeah.
Oh! What is wrong with me?
Look, everybody.
It's jack and his, um, oh, gosh...
What, girlfriend? Date? Lover?
Would you like to go in the kitchen with me?
Why? She hasn't answered the question yet.
Date? Girlfriend? Lover?
Excuse us.
Okay. Why won't she answer me?
Just a half an hour ago,
You told me to put a lid on my crazy,
And here you are letting your crazy spill all over the place.
That's just not fair.
I'm sorry.
I don't know. I just got... I got caught off guard a little.
What is wrong with me?
You're hurt.
The guy you like brought a date to your house.
I don't like him.
Annie! I can't like him!
It is wrong to be attracted to your ex-brother-in-law.
It's like something from the bible.
Oh, boy. I'm gonna get smote for sure.
Listen, you can't help being attracted to someone.
When it happens, it just happens,
Like with me and reggie.
Reggie is not real.
There are millions of guys in the world.
Why do I have to like jack?
Wine glasses?
There. They're right there.
He heard.
He didn't.
Oh. He heard me say I like him.
Oh, my god, nikki.
He didn't. He was still outside.
You weren't talking that loud.
He heard!
Listen, I'll show you.
I'll go outside. You say it again just like you did,
And I'll tell you if I heard it.
Yeah. Okay. Okay, that's a good idea.
Go. Go, go, go, go.
Okay.
All right.
So I was standing right about here.
I was turned a little like this.
Here we go.
There are millions of guys in the world.
Why do I have to like jack?
Wine opener?
Pizza's here!
Wow. So your band is playing at red rocks?
Yeah, we're heading to colorado tomorrow.
You know, I could leave you a ticket if you think you...
No.
What?
No.
No, I was just...
I know. And no.
I know you have every right to be intimate with someone else.
I mean, I know that in here...
But I'm having a problem with it here...
And also a little bit here...
Hey, I get it.
It's just gonna take us some time to get used to this.
It was the right thing to do, though.
The divorce, I mean.
Honey, our passion ran light and dark,
And towards the end, mostly just dark.
My doctor said I had to give up you or salt.
And you know I love my salt.
You're gonna lose your foot, gary.
Hey, mom.
I just wanted to say thanks.
Tonight was actually kind of fun.
Yeah, I mean, maybe we could do it again next week.
Well, absolutely.
You girls were really sweet tonight.
Hey, you wanna help me clean up some things?
God, you ruin everything.
Hey.
Um, I...
This is really awkward, but would it be rude if we left?
Dominique is starving, and she doesn't eat carbs or dairy.
She sounds like a barrel of laughs.
Yeah. Sure.
But I mean, that's why you're leaving, right? No other reason?
Of course.
But it is your family night, and I feel like I'm butting in.
You're a part of the family.
I know you mean that as a compliment, but...
Get out of here.
Hey, is annie okay?
Oh, yeah. She's fine.
She's totally into you. You know that, right?
What? No. Where did you get that?
Well, she acted kind of weird when she saw me with you.
Oh, don't get me wrong, she's a bona fide nut job,
But she's not into me.
Okay.
Although there was that weird vibe.
When I went into the kitchen.
Nut job.
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