Settle down, gonads.
Oh, sweet jonas, it's cold out here.
Pop! Pop! Pop!
I hope that's a third nipple.
It's time for our annual polar bear plunge,
Where brave souls run headlong into the icy surf.
Stupid people, take your places..
Bro, how are you not freezing?
It's like 60 degrees!
Back in jersey, this is primo belly shirt weather.
Can you believe this freakin' heat wave we're having?
It's a freakin' scorcher.
"deck my balls."
oh, that's a good shirt.
Yeah, or maybe he's warm because
He has the thick, insulating blubber layer
Of the arctic walrus.
Thanks for tutoring me in marine science, babe.
Couldn't have made that fat joke without you.
At least he has the balls to participate.
Come on, mondo. This is gonna be fun.
Sometimes I fear I'll end up sad and alone,
Like the ecuadorian hermit crab.
Damn, that girl can tutor.
Ah! Cold, cold, cold!
I got hyp-- I got hypo--
Hypotherm-- I'm very cold!
This is all you, bro.
That's my boy!
You're awesome, mondo!
I can't feel my legs!
Is that my bathing suit?
And my pride?
-- Sync by Rafael UPD -- www.addic7ed.com/
Congratulations, ladies.
I know it was a tough night.
But based on personal experience,
Pool parties, unconfirmed sextings, and vicious rumors,
We have finally compiled our most comprehensive ranking
Of penis size at playa del toro high ever.
Bitches, I give you the d-list.
There's something you need to see.
I really think you're making way too much out of this, mondo.
Mondo? I know not of this "mondo" that you speak of.
I am sheriff mustachio van dyke,
Transfer student from...
Cowboy city, usa.
No sane person is gonna buy it, bro.
Morning, woodie. Sheriff van dyke.
aah!
Mondo, you have got to quit sneaking up on people like that.
By the by, I was at the arcade,
And it seems a certain dynamic duo
Now has the top score on m.M.A. Blood blast!
Tokens accepted! Blood brothers!
Join the fight!
Bam!
What are all these flyers?
Oh, these are-- nothing.
Nothing that pertains to you.
The "d-list"
Every guy in school is on here.
Turk's first, and I'm at the bottom.
It's the-- dude list!
And you're the newest dude in town,
So you're last.
And let's not talk about it anymore.
Oh, hey, mon-dork.
Congratulations on your last place showing.
Thanks, milan. It's just a pleasure to be included.
And I hear we're getting some chinese transfer students soon.
Ought to bump me up a few places, right?
I guess. Gross.
Oh, hello there, mondo brando.
Allow us to formally welcome you to hell.
What?
We're your neighbors at the bottom of the d-list.
I'm also the valedictorian, and he's a national merit scholar.
But no one seems to care about that.
Gentlemen, adieu.
Oh, that little one gives me the creeps.
I'd like to thank my balls for support,
My best girl jeena for being with me
Through the ups and downs,
Boobs for all the hard times,
You know whose you are,
And especially the little people.
The d-list isn't the dude list, is it?
Uh, you better shake a leg, ma.
The movers will be here in the morning.
We're not going back to jersey.
Look, honey, kids are always gonna be little pricks.
I-I-I mean, cruel.
This sucks, munchkin, I'm not gonna lie to you.
But you can't just run away.
You gotta find a way to stand up for yourself.
Remember the family motto!
"you mess with a brando, you get the back of the hando."
You know, in my mud wrestling days,
I had that on the back of a cape.
Look at you.
Comfortably average, cute enough, extremely sensitive.
You're like the michael cera of penises.
I call mine "will smith" because he's got urban cred,
But white women find him non-threatening.
this is bad, dude.
I was up all night, imagining ways
To flash my room temperature schlong to the whole school.
Be careful.
Lonnie did that once by accident,
And now he can't park within 300 yards of the playground.
Yeah. Besides, I gotta find a way to take down that list.
Not just for me,
But for all the other guys stuck at the bottom.
That's very noble of you, bro.
I know, right?
Guys, a little help
Give 'em hell, bro!
Mm. We're, like, having a d-list top ten party later.
Bonfire on the beach.
So why are you telling me?
You don't know?
We totally hope you can make it, number five.
♪ my pride?
♪ my bathing suit?
♪ my pride?
there he is!
I was just making you my ringtone!
How funny is that?
Principal gurniel, um, I was hoping
We could talk about something.
Discreetly, just between you and me.
Sure, sure.
Slip off your shoes, and pull up a pillow.
I'll light a conversation candle.
All right, I was hoping to get the d-list banned from school.
See, it's harassment, it's bullying,
And it's ruining people's lives.
Those are some serious gripes, amigo.
But before I hit shuffle on my policy-pod,
I better hear the b-side of this argument.
Milan stone, please report to the principal's office.
No! I said "discreetly."
Chill out, compadre.
You've gotta mellow those dramatics.
Now, I'm just gonna go ahead
And light a conflict resolution candle.
If this is about us creating a fake profile
With zac efron's picture and setting up a date at the diner
With that fat girl and then there was nobody there but us,
Laughing at her stupid, fat face...
It wasn't me.
no, no, that's not it.
It seems mondo here has a little problem with your list.
He can't tell me what to do.
Milan makes an excellent point.
Mondo and milan: Huh?
I believe milan is exercising her first amendment right
To freedom of speech.
I don't need to exercise. He does.
Are you kidding me?
I doubt the founding fathers had a penis chart in mind
When they wrote the bill of rights.
Ratifying this document will protect the liberties
Of all of our citizens.
Now everyone whip out their hancocks to see who signs first.
you can't get rid of the d-list!
It's like an institution!
Slavery was an institution!
Ooh, he said "slavery."
That's racist. Suspend him.
Whoa, whoa! Oh!
I can see we've got a hot button issue here.
And I have the perfect way to put an end to it.
thank god.
attention, students.
This Friday's assembly will be a debate about the d-list.
Arguing on the side of free speech, milan stone.
Arguing on the side of tiny penises, mondo brando.
Hey, it worked!
Nice pipes, boys.
And to think, before the d-list, we couldn't fill a seat.
Now put on your viking helmets
For the opera finale.
You okay, man?
Hmm, well, let's see.
Public nudity, public speaking...
Throw in spiders and a sarah palin presidency,
And all my nightmares have come true.
Very cool. Very political.
I know, right?
There's no way in hell I'm doing this stupid debate.
Sup, woodie
I think it's awesome that you're debating milan.
Maybe we'll take down this stupid list once and for all.
So how are you gonna get out of the debate?
Get out of the debate
You heard the lady, I'm in it to win it!
Besides, it'll be good to finally put an end
To this kind of sexual objectification.
hi, woodie.
Whoa! She's, like, a 9.2 on the dichter scale!
That's, like, the fifth hot girl that's creeping on you.
What's that about?
I don't know, man. Maybe it's my new shampoo.
hi, woodie.
I said hi first!
Man, I gotta get me some of that shampoo!
Ah, there's my stooges!
You guys missed another great performance
At the glory hole "te-atre."
I hear next season, they're doing sperm-alot!
So if you don't have any plans tonight,
I thought us boys could bone up, plug away, grind it out,
Cram it good, put our heads down and bury our noses in it.
What?
Get your mind out of the gutter!
I am talking about doing debate research at the library!
I always wanted to do it in a public place.
That would be awesome.
I can use all the help I can get.
Uh, yeah, guys. You know what?
I'm gonna meet you there.
I just have an errand I gotta run.
This is so empty.
How can they afford to stay open?
The same way they keep city parks and hospitals open.
They rent out space to the adult film industry.
I'd like to return this book,
But it's too big to fit in the slot.
Maybe you should push a little harder.
That dialogue is terrible.
No, that's the actual checkout desk.
Porno is over there.
Do me decimal system, take two.
Oh, hello, fellow readers!
Welcome to the library.
The only safe haven from those jerks at the top of the list.
Until now!
Some cyber-bully just hacked my facebook
And tagged me with hundreds of penis photos.
That's not right.
They're even calling you "dick noodle."
Nope, that's my name.
It's pronounced "nu-dell."
All right, let's get started.
I just gotta fire up my ipad.
Why did we come here if we're using that?
Untraceable wifi
And the softest toilet paper in town!
I need some reading material.
Oh, maya angelou!
That's my jam.
Whoa! Where are you going, beanpole?
I'm number five.
Why didn't you say so?
Right this way.
Woodie!
What's up, wood-man?
How about a drink? I don't know.
I'm not planning on staying that long.
Yeah, cool. Totally.
Hey, you mind holding this a second in your mouth?
Ah.
I'm afraid our argument to control free speech
Is not looking good.
Apparently, laws have protected
These scandalous gossip rags throughout history.
I know! They even had sexting back then.
Check out this dirty telegraph
From president taft to his mistress.
"you're turning me on. Stop.
"why did you stop? Stop.
"undo your corset. Stop.
"disregard my stops. Stop.
"oh, baby. Stop.
"here it comes. Stop.
"stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.
I've stopped it all over your face. Stop."
this is getting us nowhere.
And where the hell is woodie?
I can't believe he stood me up.
Well, whatever he's doing,
He cannot possibly be having as much fun as we are.
Whoo!
Yeah!
Oops.
Will you stop dropping your pencil?
Sorry! Butterfingers.
Hey, thanks for helping me out, wadska.
You really came through.
I'm a little worried about woodie, though.
He didn't even call. Why are you worried?
He looks like he's having the greatest time of his life.
Woodie?
Woodie!
What the ?
Hey, woodie, you better go control your woman.
ooh, ice cream!
Hey, dude! Don't "hey, dude" me.
you're drunk.
I can smell it on your breath.
Oh, sorry, I guess I got caught up
At this top ten party.
I'm number five.
Number five
You saw the list.
But all you cared about was your own name.
Besides, I didn't wanna hurt your feelings.
So you got wasted with turk?
And four of the hottest half-naked girls I've ever seen?
Well, okay, one's kind of a butterface.
But how can you be so selfish?
Selfish?
Because for one night I went to an awesome party
Instead of hanging out with you?
But you're my friend, and they're the enemy.
They're not my enemy.
Come back, dude.
Your beer's getting warm, and your girl's getting cold.
Maybe you should go back to your new friends
And their perfect breasts.
But dear god, that one... She's like a schnauzer.
What is she, somebody's cousin?
Go ahead. Go.
Maybe I will. Good.
Ice cream!
I didn't know what you wanted, so I took a risk.
Fudge ripple!
Aw, I knew I should've gone with vanilla.
sorry, mon-dumpster.
You had your mouth open.
I thought you were the garbage can.
Dude, that wasn't very cool.
Whoa, number five doesn't tell number one what's cool
Unless he wants to end up in a 69 with my fist.
now, come on.
We got rehearsal for damn wankees.
Oh, thank god, you guys made up.
Oh, that's just the garbage can.
♪ I know you were right
♪ believing for so long
aah!
You ditched me. That's the definition of ditching.
♪ I know I was so wrong
♪ I know you were right
♪ believing for so long
♪ what am I without you?
♪ I know I was so wrong
that used to be us.
Oh, why, babs brando?
Why are men so difficult?
If I could answer that riddle, honey,
I wouldn't be standing here serving you shirley temples.
Wadska, are you okay?
Is this going to be like the time you tried to fly
With a cocktail umbrella?
Ha ha ha! No.
It's mondo and woodie.
Those boys are driving me crazy!
I never realized how much I loved being a third wheel.
Coming up with wacky schemes,
Then ducking out before the consequences hit--
God! I miss that.
We were the three caballeros,
And it worked for us.
All the best things in the world
Come in triangles--
The great pyramids,
Hamantashen cookies,
Triangles...
Oh, let's think.
There has to be a way we can bring them together again.
here you go.
Tsunami burger with m.M.A.
M.M.A.?
Mustard, mayo, and avocado.
That's it, babs. M.M.A.!
I have got to get to the arcade!
Wadska, away!
♪
Tokens accepted.
Blood brothers, join the fight.
You know this doesn't change anything.
Why would it?
So ready for the debate tomorrow?
Been working on it nonstop,
But I don't have much of an argument.
Guess I lack the killer instinct.
Gaaaah!
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
The whole deal is just a scam.
Saw casa taking a leak.
He's hung like a peanut.
That does make me feel better.
Kaah!
You're a real dong detective.
Ooh! Hyuh, hyuh!
Okay. Big finish.
Remember the move
I invented it.
We did it! We did it.
Hey, mondo...
I know, buddy. Me too.
Let's never let our peckers come between us again.
That sounded way better in my head.
I wonder who this winnie is.
Player three has joined the game.
Your first name is winnie?
Winthorp aguilera wadska.
That's my name. Don't wear it out.
Yeah, I don't think anyone's
Going to wear that out.
Now let's see if we can win a debate.
D-list is going down.
Hug? Sure.
Kiss? Oh. All right. After the debate.
Are you ready for some penis...
Debate?
Freedom of speech!
Get it? You can say ,
Because if they don't let you say ,
Then it is censorship.
Close your face holes, miscreants.
For today's debate,
We'll follow basic parliamentary rules.
We'll break every 15 minutes
So I can smoke a parliament.
Miss stone, we flipped a coin,
And despite the results,
You shall go first.
Hey, guys.
Instead of just talking about freedom of expression,
I thought I'd just express myself freely.
Hit it, girls.
I just love this country so much.
♪
Well, I think we have a winner.
Oh, yeah. You're on the clock, shrinky dink.
All right.
I guess I gotta fight sex with sex.
No, no, no, no, no.
That's how we got into this mess.
Here's your speech.
Now, just follow this verbatim
And victory will be ours.
Wadska, these are blank.
Precisely!
Because the answer is in here.
It's been in there all along.
No! Wadska, I really need that speech.
30 seconds left.
Hello, everybody.
I guess all I can do is speak from the heart.
♪ my pride?
Oh, what's up, pinocchio?
Hi, sis. Brad abelson told everyone
I took a dump in the sink at school.
But I didn't!
That dump was already there.
Oh, just tell everyone he's a hermaphrodite.
The only way to kill a rumor
Is with a better rumor.
Could we have a brief recess?
Five minutes.
Okay, remember what I told you.
Thanks, dude.
Hey, you're my boy, brother.
Milan, can I talk to you privately?
There's nothing my friends can't hear.
Okay. Just wanted you to know
That I'm going to distribute these papers in the morning.
It's called the "s.P. List."
I'll give you a hint.
The first word is "smelly."
Beat it, nosy bitches.
Look, I know what you're trying to do here.
But it's not going to work, okay?
Everyone knows I smell like roses and butterscotch.
Your rumor is a total lie.
So is the d-list.
Mm, but I suppose you're right.
People don't listen to rumors.
Anyhoo, I'm off to the copy machine.
It seems miss stone has forfeited the debate.
Victory belongs to the little penis.
Once again, this school does nothing
To prepa you for the real world.
According to the terms of the debate,
The d-list will be abolished forever.
And, to be consistent,
We're also abolishing the honor roll.
All right! Whoo! That's so wonderful!
Congratulations, mondo.
You did it!
Thanks. And, uh, ahem.
Just to clear the air,
I don't really have a small penis.
Oh, I know. We all know.
Your fly was open the entire time.
All right. I'll give you props on that.
I'm so proud of you.
I think you earned this, champ.
Thanks, man.
Milan totally caved about the s.P. List.
Yeah. The smelly people list
Would have rocked el toro high to its core.
And now for that kiss.
-- Sync by Rafael UPD -- www.addic7ed.com/