- Why are we going to court? - A criminal wants to hire me.
- Why am I going? - I'm afraid of criminals.
Look at that.
That is hot.
- Think you can control yourself? - I'm desperate, okay?
I signed up with Kimmie's matchmaker.
Can't hurt. They got Corretta and Richard....
I can't believe you just did that!
Neither can I. Don't tell anybody.
Who would believe it? Other than him.
Can I smell yours now?
Hello.
I've been down this road
One Hundred Tears
Walking the line That's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life That Ijust can't hide
Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring
I got myself together Now I'm ready to sing
I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine the light To fiind my way back home
Baby
I can let you in. He's not dangerous.
Okay.
Mr. Hall, um, um....
- Do I know you? - Not really. Thank God you're here.
- This is my assistant, Elaine. - Hello, Elaine.
- Hi.
Your trial starts today. I don't think it's a good idea for me...
The other lawyers don't get it. I saw you in court.
I've been trying to track you down ever since.
They gave me a picture book with all the lawyers.
Mr. Hall, I don't specialize in criminal law.
- It doesn't matter. You can fly. - I'm sorry?
You believe, Ms. McBeal.
I knew it the second I saw you. You can fly.
- Why would you think that? - Because you've done it.
First I want you to jot down what you're all looking for.
- Tall, dark and handsome. - Please.
- Anything with wattle? - Why are we here?
- Just go with it. - I'm not a "go with it" person.
Shame on you, Ms. Pumple, exploiting loneliness.
- Sorry I'm late. - Elaine, you can go first.
Since some of us seem to be resistant.
- Now, what do you look for in a man? - A pulse and a penis.
- Not necessarily in that order. - I'd like a kind man...
...who dreams of making love to me as I sing.
One song after another, after another, after another....
Okay, okay. Richard?
I look for many qualities in a woman, Harriet.
Honest, kind, funny. Mainly, I'd like somebody who was fat.
Someone who lost 75 pounds, and the skin just hangs from her neck.
A kind, gentle woman with drip wattle.
- Make me vomit. - You should stop complaining...
- ...and tell her what you want. - Or who.
- Richard. - I'm trying to help. I'm your friend.
- Ally. - That does it.
It's silly, all right?
When you lash out, it means you're hurting. Are you?
You didn't find that deeply humiliating?
It's humiliating to keep showing up at the bar alone...
...and embarrassing to always go home solo.
I gotta tell you, in light of world events, values have changed.
- Your values? - Mine? God, no. But women's.
They don't care about money anymore, which renders us less attractive.
I'm lonely, John.
Really?
You don't think having a matchmaker is a little desperate?
I do.
And we're not above desperate.
When we returned, we heard the ruckus upstairs, and we knew.
- He was back. - Who, Mr. Brickle?
The defendant. He'd broken into the house.
- Had he been in your house before? - Yes, this was the ninth time.
- What happened this time? - I ran upstairs, figuring it was him.
I went into Timmy's room, and there he was at the window...
...with these huge homemade wings on.
- And what'd you do? - Well, he jumped.
- He jumped? - Out the window.
Started flapping his wings like a giant condor.
He landed on the ground with a thud.
It isn't true. If I fell, I would have broken my legs.
I'd like to argue diminished capacity. It's a defense...
...that should have been raised, but since I just started...
- Insanity? How am I insane? - Well, um....
You think that you can...
...fly.
- What happened to you? - What do you mean?
You're a flier. I know you are. When I saw you, I just...
Okay. I... Okay, I...
I used to dream that I could fly. Sometimes.
Ally, if a person can dream....
Listen, so up next, you testify.
You have to tell the jury how you didn't break in to steal...
...just to take to the sky.
- And as for now, you can go. - I can?
I paid your bail. It wasn't much, and you're not considered a flight risk.
- Was it when you tried to escape? - I'm sorry.
When you'd fly.
- Do you have a second? - Why?
Well, I, uh...
I apologize.
What happened this morning....
When I was 7, I smelled the butt of a boy I later dated.
It was love at first whiff.
On some crazy, impulsive lark, I saw you bending over...
...and I didn't know it was you, and for old times' sake....
I'm in a "stop and smell the roses" segment of my life...
...and there were no roses around, just your thorny....
- Sorry, I'm... - I'm sure your job is high-pressure...
...but we're not just sexual objects for corporate women to drool over.
We're human beings. That's Richie, Derek...
...Alfonso and Big Mike. Say hello.
Hello.
Thank you. I promise not to objectify you anymore.
- I appreciate it. - It was nice seeing you again.
It's nice seeing you.
- My brother is crazy, Ms. McBeal. - Has he been diagnosed with...?
No, there's no diagnosed mental deficiency...
...but he's become dysfunctional. He can't hold a job...
...these break-ins into our old house, his obsession with flying.
- When did the obsession start? - It's been lifelong.
At 10, he put on a cape and jumped out like Superman. He broke both legs.
You'd think he'd have learned. The break-ins are new.
- I'd like him to go with diminished... - He doesn't like to be called crazy.
- I know. - Could he go to prison?
This is his ninth offense. He could go to prison for a very long time.
- I'll try to persuade him. - And with insanity, he can get off?
Well, I don't know, but I do know that it's his only chance.
- Ally, come in, come in. - Thank you.
- Wow. - It feels so good to be home again.
- You've got quite a place, Harvey. - Thank you. Have you eaten?
- I can make you something if you like. - No, I'm fine. Thank you.
- Look at all of your wings. - A constant work in progress.
The problem with just jumping out a window is....
I couldn't get enough thrust. This is my latest.
I compensated with an exaggerated airfoil for additional propulsion.
- The feathers are just.... - Aren't they fabulous?
This top layer actually functions as a suction.
Air passes, sucks you upward.
My next jump, Ally, I'm gonna make it.
Harvey.
I've been working out. My triceps were not developed enough...
- ...for flapping, but I am ready now. - Harvey.
Harvey.
You need to let me argue diminished capacity.
I'm not crazy.
It's not like I'd jump out of an airplane without a parachute.
- I've done it without getting hurt. - But why?
Because I just have to. It's like a quest.
Remember Don Quixote? He needed a quest. He fought dragons.
Well, actually, they were windmills, and Don Quixote was mad.
You know, when I first saw you in court at my arraignment...
...you reminded me of Dulcinea.
What's wrong?
Ally, what's wrong?
Nothing....
It's just that my father used to sing "Dulcinea" to me as I was growing up.
Tell me about when you would fly.
- Harriet's got my man. - Already?
She narrowed her list to "anybody. "
I made a special request, which made her job easier.
- Oh, "special request. " - Grumpy old man.
John.
I'm told sometimes you wear a body suit to attract women.
- You told her? - It doesn't matter.
What does matter is your heart.
It doesn't have to go through life unloved.
Ms. Pumple, I do not wish to engage your services.
Could I be more clear, Ms. Pumple?
If you imply the L into my name one more time...
...I'll drop you like a stone.
Your friends care about you.
They feel that you're so lovesick, physically you're starting to curdle.
It's true. You used to be taller.
That man needs an intervention.
If he won't go to love, then love needs to go to him.
I got sent to my room a lot, either as punishment...
...or when my parents fought. That's what gave me the idea.
- To jump out the window? - To fly.
My parents fought a lot, and I'd stand there at my window...
...and dream of just flying away.
So you'd... When your parents fought?
Yes. I was so afraid they'd divorce, so I'd stand at my bedroom window...
... when I couldn't drown them out with music.
(ALLY'S PARENTS FIGHTING]
It was a sense of escape, the dream of it.
And it was quiet up there. It was joyous.
And I wouldn't hear them fiighting. I couldn't hear anger.
Ms. McBeal?
- Ms. McBeal. - Sorry. Sorry.
Why did you start going back to the house to break in as an adult?
Well, as a kid, that room, it became like a prison.
There was a river that ran about 100 yards behind our house.
I would think, forget dreaming...
...I really am gonna fly all the way over that river.
- Did you attempt it? - Yes. I always fell short...
...usually, breaking a bone or two.
When I left home for college, I put the obsession behind me.
- But it came back. - Why?
Well, I've never done very well in my various jobs.
I became convinced my esteem....
Failure was a self-fulfilling prophecy for me.
It all stemmed from those attempts to clear that river.
I started thinking about it again. I couldn't stop.
I started building wings again. Better wings. I just know I can do it.
- But why do you have to? - I have to prove to myself...
...that I can fly.
My parents would say that I'd never be successful...
...because I was off. That was their word, "off. "
I guess I've always believed that if I put my mind to something....
Well, the only thing I've ever really put my mind to is clearing that river.
I just have to do it.
For me, skiing isn't really the best part.
It's the lodge, snuggling in front of an open fire, a glass of hot cider.
- I can do that. I like cider. - I'll bet you do. It's fabulous.
- Richard, can I ask you something? - Anything, Irene.
I feel you're only interested in my neck.
It's just so beautiful, the way it swings back and forth.
It makes a little shadow. It's like a love curtain.
I can't believe he's into that artifact.
- At least he has an open mind. - Open mind?
He's lost whatever mind he has, open or not.
Grump.
- Elaine, where's your date? - Harriet's bringing him.
- Why hasn't she found anybody for me? - You listed intelligence.
What intelligent man could enlist a dating service?
Old man.
- Okay, I heard that. - Hello. Elaine?
Meet Victor.
- Hello. - Hi.
Good to see you again. You're even cuter upright. Elaine Vassal.
- Last name's optional with me. - Morrison.
You know I sing? Would you like to hear me sing?
- Hello. - Hey, Harvey.
- Well, I have good news. - You do?
- They're dropping the charges. - They are?!
On one condition: That you put away your wings...
- ...and you never break in again. - Oh.
I have the wings to do it. I've been thinking...
...if I were to stand on the roof, I might get more thrust.
Harvey, they are not gonna let you jump off the roof.
You know, even Don Quixote had to stop tilting at those windmills.
But he rose up again in the end.
Of all people, Dulcinea shouldn't be telling me to quit.
You know, you described it exactly. My flying.
My parents would fight, and I'd put the headphones on.
If that didn't work, I would stand by the window and dream of jumping.
And flying.
One of your doctors said they have a medication that could really help you.
- You talked to one of my doctors? - Yes.
The one treating me for cancer?
You see, time has suddenly become of the essence, Ally.
And before I go...
...I damn well will...
...fly over that river.
First, when there's nothing
But a slow-blowing breeze
Are you a beginning, a middle or an ending kind of guy?
What?
That up there? That's just the beginning.
John, wanna snuggle up next to me on the dance floor?
- Excuse me? - I want to see if you can dance.
Oh, I'll pass.
Fart.
Made of stone
Well, I hear the music
Close my eyes Feel the rhythm
Wrap around Take ahold
Of my heart
What a feeling
Beats believing
And you thought I was kidding.
Dancing for my life
- Are you gonna die? - Hopefully not.
But I'm gonna be getting weaker once I start the chemo my doctors want.
My flapping will get anemic, so the time is now.
Is the flying about that? Escaping death?
Have an ambulance there if it'll give you peace of mind.
I know you can persuade them.
One lousy jump.
- Are you crazy? - He feels he has to do it.
You need to look out for his interests.
- Which I believe I'm doing. - Marie.
He could be killed! Since when is it a lawyer's job...
- ...to enable madness? - I've landed safely.
- From the second floor, not the roof. - You say I'm a victim of obsession...
- ...so let's end that obsession. - This could end your life.
My life....
I'm....
I'm dying, Marie.
- What? - I have a melanoma.
I'm going to be getting treatment. The doctors are hopeful...
...but my flying days are soon to be over.
- Why didn't you tell me this? - Because you worry.
You've lived your entire life worrying about me. You don't think I know that?
I know how much you love me.
In light of that love, I'm asking you, please don't fight this.
- Harvey.... - I wanna fly, Marie.
And I want you there with me when I fly.
And, um....
- And the Brickles have agreed to it? - Yes.
- Does it have to be today? - I have to go on chemo.
- The sooner I clear that river.... - Well, then....
- Can I see the new and improved wings? - Of course! I'll show you right now.
- Three o'clock, at the house. - I'll see you there.
- What are you doing here? - I was looking for Elaine.
Elaine?
Yeah, some crazy matchmaker persuaded me to at least meet her.
- You were her date? - I've done crazier things...
...none of which come to mind right now.
- You're not helping me any here. - I'm sorry. It's just that....
Well, it went well. You're here again, so....
- Well.... - Oh.
- You're here to dump her? - Ally, she sang to me.
Okay, listen, you can't dump her. Her singing means everything to her.
If you reject her now, she'll assume it was because of her singing.
I mean, go out with her once.
Break up with her for her looks or her personality.
She'll handle it, trust me. But if you break up with her for her singing...
...I really believe that will kill her.
Ally? I... Oh.
- Victor. What are you doing here? - I came to see you.
- You did? - Elaine, I....
I was hoping you'd have dinner with me.
- Ticktock, John. - Sorry. What is this meeting about?
A friendly takeover. Stocks, bonds. Love.
Stocks, bonds and love?
It's a figure of speech. We're trying to salvage the company.
- Which company? - The company we keep, John.
What are you talking about?
What's going on?
John Cage, boy, Is that you?
I thought your post-hanging days Were through
What the...?
Sunken eyes and full of sighs
This is an intervention. You need to be saved.
- What? - Emotional rescue. We're here for you.
Gonna pull you through Only one thing left that we can do
We gotta get you a woman
It's like nothing else can make you Feel sure you're alive
We gotta get you a woman
We better get walking We're wasting time talking now
John Cage, boy, You're my friend
You say how And I'll say when
You may never get this chance again
That empty feeling's Just about to end
We gotta get you a woman
It's like nothing else can make you Feel sure you're alive
We gotta get you a woman
- We gotta get you a woman - We gotta get you a woman
There's nothing else to make you Feel sure you're alive
We gotta get you a woman
I really appreciate this, Mr. Brickle.
Well, my lawyers advised me against it, but...
I won't get hurt. I might even make it across.
- I sincerely hope you do, Mr. Hall. - It seems so far.
I'll check on the kids. They're going to a friend's house, in case...
- I go splat? - Have you been up on that roof?
- It's a long way down. - Yes, I have been up.
Wait till you see my wings.
So...
- ...this was your prison? - Yeah.
The room dreams are made of, I guess.
What are you looking at?
The view. So tell me again, why are these wings better?
More aerodynamic. And from the roof, more glide and greater propulsion.
- And with my new fitness regimen.... - You flap better.
From the second I saw you, I knew you'd help me get here, Ally.
I won't be able to help you get to the other side of that river.
This I know.
When the time comes, you just be waiting on the other side.
Because that's where I'll be coming down.
- Have you ever tested them, Harvey? - Small jumps. Nothing like this.
Just be careful.
He's jumping off a roof, and I'm saying, "Be careful. "
Go across the river. I'll be right over.
I wish Mom and Dad were alive. They'd be proud.
- See you soon. - Absolutely.
- I feel like I've known you forever. - Ally, I'm not dying.
I mean, I might be dying, but not today.
Whatever happens up there, promise me that you won't stop flapping.
I promise. Go keep my sister company, okay?
Oh, Ally?
We have known each other forever.
- It was Harriet's idea. - You get an office of people to sing...
- ... "We Gotta Get You a Woman"? - Life's short.
It isn't that short, and I refuse to be lectured...
...by a man who feels the flesh on the chin of somebody's great-grandmother.
- I wasn't interested in her. - Then why?
I was trying to cure my fetish.
- Just get out. - We're getting old, John!
- Because we're nearly 40? - Because we're no closer to....
To what?
I don't know whether love or a family is it, but the place we're in now...
...this is definitely not it.
- Wow. Something is going on with you. - Well....
It's about time.
Just look at him.
Can you believe this?
Okay, the conditions are good.
Flap hard, Harvey. Flap like the madman you are.
- How you doing, sir? - Fine.
There's a saying, which I'm blanking on at the moment.
- Now or never? - That would work.
Okay. Okay, systems check.
Please let him land softly....
I promise I'll go to church....
Okay. Just give it to me once, would you?
And the wild wings Of fortune
Shall carry me onward
Come on, Harvey! Come on, flap!
Are you okay?
Yes!
I flew! I flew!
- Are you okay? - My arms are a little tired...
...but other than that.... I flew!
Harvey?
Harvey, what's wrong? - Please. Get back!
- Get his wing off. - Get him on his back.
It was a heart attack. The cancer treatment...
...had evidently weakened his heart.
I'm arranging services. It'll probably be Tuesday or Wednesday.
Okay.
Thank you, Ally.
Thank me?
- I helped to kill him. - No.
No, you didn't.
And because of you, he got to fly.
That look on his face, it was the happiest....
I'll never forget it.
And I'll never forget you for giving him that moment.
My brother flew.
- Did you see it? He flew. - Yes, he did.
- Yeah, well, I'll see you next week. - Marie?
- I'm so sorry for your loss. - Thank you.
And I'm sorry for yours.
He told me you knew each other for a long time.
Yeah.
You stinker!
Ripped by thewildbunch22