And then you know what she said to me?
"You don't know how to dress."
Who says that?
I'll tell you who says that...
A bitch.
I know! I know, right?
I mean, I put up with that mess in high school.
I'm not gonna do it now.
I wouldn't even talk to her again.
Maybe I won't.
Oh, god. Here she comes.
Ugh. She's with that other one.
What are they doing here?
Hey, mom.
Mackenzie.
Mother.
Totally.
God, why are they so mean to us?
Because we're their moms.
God, I hate them.
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Morning, mom.
Hey, babe. I'm making your favorite, french toast.
Oh, no, no, no, no. You need to go change.
You are not wearing that to school.
You're wearing your pajama top to work,
And I'm not saying anything about it.
Go change.
Why do we have to do this every day?
Because you forget to put on clothes every day.
Change.
And for your information, this is not a pajama top!
Crap. Yes, it is.
Hey, annie. Where's sophie?
In her room changing out of that.
And into something a little more appropriate.
Yeah, my mom made me change, too.
Wh-where is your mom?
Next door, fighting with my dad.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
I guess this divorce is really hard on you, huh?
You know, it's unfortunate.
That you have to resort to name-calling.
Well, it's unfortunate that you're such a frickin' dumb-ass.
Hi, annie.
Hey, dumb-ass.
What are we fighting about this morning?
I want mackenzie to go to her first high school dance.
In a limo, and gary won't pay for it.
He says I have to get a job.
That's not such a terrible idea.
I mean, "oprah's" going off the air.
You won't have anything else to do.
I have a job. I'm a mother and a damn good one.
You know mackenzie's dressed like a call girl today, right?
Yeah, and that outfit cost me $300.
Get a job.
I don't want to be a working mom.
Those women are pathetic. No offense, hon.
None taken, you lazy, stay-at-home whore.
Oh, sure, you laugh when she says it.
I have an idea. Why don't you get a job.
Instead of playing golf with your stupid buddies?
I'm a golf pro.
Those aren't my buddies. They're my clients.
You think I enjoy hanging out with old white men all day?
They call me "tiger."
I want mackenzie to go in a limo, gary.
You know how I had to go to my first dance.
Yes, in the back of your dad's chicken truck.
That's right.
And what did everyone call me after that night?
Kentucky fried nikki.
They filled my locker with drumsticks.
They were delicious.
Oh, honey.
At least you got to go to a high school dance.
I never even went to one.
My parents were so strict, I didn't get to go to dances.
Or listen to music or watch tv.
She never saw an episode of "full house."
I had to tell her who the olsen twins were.
Wow.
High school must have sucked for you.
No, it was fabulous.
And you know what made it even better?
My mom was a religious nut bag.
Who insisted on making all my clothes
'cause she felt that the gap was the devil's workshop.
So I went to school every day dressed like a sister-wife.
I'll give you the money for the limo.
Oh! I cannot believe tonight is our first high school dance.
I am so excited. I barely slept last night.
Mom, it's our first high school dance,
And if you show up anywhere near there, I'll kill myself.
Of course it's your dance. That's what I meant.
We're just gonna poke our heads in.
I got you a corsage.
Look, this dance is very important for us.
Okay, we're popular, and we would like to stay that way.
And since you two were nerds in high school,
You have no idea how important this is.
Hey, I wasn't a nerd.
I just had a touch of alopecia.
And I weighed over 300 pounds.
And my teeth grew every way but down,
So no, I did not win miss abilene,
But I certainly wasn't a nerd.
And I was not a nerd either.
I was a social outcast.
You know who else was a social outcast?
Jesus. And I'd say he's pretty popular.
All right! We're here.
Have a good day at school, girls.
Say no to sex and drugs.
Mom, can you come in to school with me today?
Oh, my god. It's happening.
I'm the cool mom.
Let's both get bangs.
No. Uh, principal diego.
Wants to see the two of you before class starts.
Wait. What?
Later!
I didn't want to get bangs anyway.
Bangs are stupid.
Hey, when did you get bangs?
Why do you think the principal wants to see us?
I am so nervous.
I'm gonna say a little prayer.
Good morning, ladies.
Come on in.
Nikki, you colored your hair.
You just never give up, do you, girl?
God, that woman is awful.
Was she that mean when you guys were in high school?
She was brutal. She teased anyone who was different,
Stole people's boyfriends,
Thought she was better than everyone.
God, she was my idol.
Why don't you two take a seat.
And we'll get down to business?
There's only one chair.
Look at you, talking back to the principal.
Ooh. Chocolates. Don't mind if I do.
Now I have to warn you, those are not sugar-free.
Oh, I don't have to worry about my weight any more.
That was just hormones anyway.
Oh, of course it was.
Those hormones made you eat everything in sight,
Bless your heart.
And that one summer when your hormones got away from you.
And you had that little incident...
I did not eat my cat!
That was just a rumor that you and your stupid friends started!
I did not eat my cat.
Let's just get back to why we're here.
I wanted to talk to you about a little dustup.
That mackenzie and sophie were involved in.
Oh, god. What did they do?
Was it as bad as starting a rumor.
That someone barbecued and ate their own cat?
We've moved on, nikki.
Your daughters locked a boy in the girls' bathroom.
He was in there for two hours before someone found him.
I mean, that just sounds like typical boy-girl stuff.
The boy they locked in the bathroom.
Was gerard thompson.
The kid in the wheelchair?
Oh, god.
I know.
Now I'm gonna do my very best to keep this on the down-low,
But if they serve wine at the p.T.A. Meeting,
No guarantees.
You know, before we freak out,
We've only heard principal diego's side of this.
Maybe there's a good reason they...
Boy in wheelchair.
Hey, annie, great news.
My band got offered to tour with sheryl crow.
I know it's my weekend to take sophie,
But I was kinda hoping that you could cover for me,
Unless you've got something going on this weekend.
I'm just kidding. I know you got nothing.
I have been trying to call you all morning.
Why didn't you answer your cell?
Because if I learned one thing from when we were married,
It is that you do not take a call from one girl.
When you're with another.
See, I do listen to you.
Do you listen to yourself?
Matt, sophie got in trouble at school today.
She and mackenzie locked a handicapped boy.
In the bathroom.
Oh, no, no, no.
I can't have her doing that.
If sheryl crow finds out, it might make me look bad.
Matt, we have to handle this.
This is the worst thing sophie's ever done.
What did sophie do?
Nothing. I wasn't talking to you.
And I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to my brother.
Sophie and mackenzie locked a handicapped kid.
In the bathroom,
And we have to do something about it.
Wow. That's shocking, even for them.
Nice job, ladies.
Thank you. It is good to be appreciated.
Don't you have some dumb trial to get to?
Well, I just freed a man.
Who was wrongfully convicted of murder 20 years ago,
So my dumb trial is over, but thanks for asking.
20 years? Took you long enough.
Okay, you can't be surprised by this.
You've given sophie everything she wants.
Since the day she was born.
I don't think she's ever heard the word "no."
She has heard the word "no" from me.
When she says, "do you like uncle jack?" I say no.
Look, I get it. You spoil her because you don't want her.
To be a freak like you were growing up.
Wow. Freak... that's nice.
How else would you describe it?
You lived in military lockdown and you dressed like.
A character from "little house on the prairie."
Yeah, I don't know what that is.
Okay.
Look, all... all I'm saying is.
That sophie is running the show here.
You need to step up and take control.
Hey, she's doing the best she can.
Sophie's a difficult kid.
Oh, I'm talking to you, too, matt.
You're not a great parent either.
Me? How can I be a bad parent?
I'm never even here.
You know what? Don't worry about it, okay?
Because sophie is gonna be punished appropriately.
And so is mackenzie, right, nik?
Absolutely. The minute she walks in the door,
I'm gonna ask her what she thinks is appropriate punishment.
For such a heinous crime.
Yeah, I knew it. Y'all aren't gonna do a thing.
It's cool. I'll represent them.
When they knock off a liquor store.
Yes, we are gonna do something.
Mm-hmm.
Something big.
We are not gonna let them go to the dance.
Oh, mackenzie won't go for that.
Let's just wait and hear what she wants to do.
We're doing this, nik.
We're doing it, and we have to do it together.
Fine.
I just really wanted to go to that dance.
I even learned some moves from "dirty dancing."
"dirty dancing"! Ha! I actually know that one.
I picketed that movie with my church group.
+
The kindle... This nikon...
Ha, santa better watch out eh?
Aww... Guess I didn't leave any room for you.
That's awkward.
Maybe you could fill his.
Good night.
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Bulbs, branches and bright northern stars.
Sometimes, the best gifts just sort of come together.
It's time for rolling out the holiday spirit.
With styles starting at just $9.99.
It's time for payless.
Let's show 'em what a breakfast with wholegrain fiber can do.
One coffee with room, one large mocha latte.
Medium macchiato, light hot chocolate hold the whip,
And two espressos, make one a double.
She's full and focused!
I have two cappuccinos, one coffee with room, one large mocha latte,
A medium macchiato, a light hot chocolate, hold the whip.
And two espressos, one with a double shot.
Hehe, that's not the coffee talking.
Start your day with kellogg's frosted mini-wheats cereal.
The 8 layers of whole grain fiber help keep you full.
So you can avoid the distraction.
Of mid-moing hunger.
No thanks, I'm good.
Look, I understand that you're mad,
But if you had a daughter that behaved this way,
What would you do?
Oh.
Okay, you gonna give me the silent treatment?
That's cool, 'cause two can play at that game.
Okay, the thing is, I hate doing this.
I actually want you to go to the dance.
I-I want you to be able to do everything you want,
But your behavior won't let me. Can't you understand that?
Say something.
Anything!
Make fun of my shirt. You love to do that.
Honey, don't let her rile you up. It's what they want.
You sure you need that?
What are you saying?
Nothing.
Oh, good, because I'm gonna eat this.
I'm a grown woman. I can do what I want.
Absolutely. Help yourself.
You don't think I know what you're thinking?
I know what you're thinking.
I know what you're all thinking.
I did not eat my cat!
You are the meanest person I've ever met. Oh, my god. You are so ungrateful.
You are so unfair! Do you have any idea how hard I work.
To give you all the things you have? Just because you were a big loser in high school,
It doesn't mean that I have to be one. I hate you! Do you know how lucky you are?
How would you like to spend every summer.
At vacation bible camp?!
Honey, please don't be mad at me.
I hate it when you shut me out.
Can't we just go back to being best friends?
We were never best friends.
Ah...
It's okay. I know you didn't mean that.
What the hell is going on here?
I've got, like, 50 texts from mackenzie.
Me, too. Sophie's been texting me nonstop.
"Mom's out of control."
"I hate it here."
"I got my period. You can relax."
Oh. Sorry.
That's from a nice lady who sells t-shirts for our band.
Congrats, buddy. That was touch-and-go for a while.
Well, as helpful as you two are being right now,
Nikki and I have got this under control.
They are so mean.
You cannot leave me alone with those private school brats.
They were talking about me in spanish...
Or french.
I knew it wasn't english.
All right, you know what? We're stepping in here.
This is insane.
It's timfor a little tough love from their dads.
What is going on here? I got, like, 50 texts.
God, I cannot believe those girls.
They weren't from the girls. They were from nikki.
Did you bring me the pies or not?
Look, I owe you an apology.
I have no right to tell you how to parent.
I'm just her uncle.
And you're a good mom... an okay mom... you try.
Ha. That apology sucked.
All right, let me... let me try that again.
I... Am truly sorry.
I know I can be overbearing.
And I tend to tell people what to do all the time,
But I am going to stop, right after this.
Come on, nikki! Use a fork. You're not a bear.
Look, it's... it's very sweet of you to apologize.
And... and I-I really appreciate how much you care about sophie.
It's not just sophie.
Oh.
You want a drink or something?
No, I gotta go. I have a date.
Oh.
I didn't know you were dating anyone.
Is it serious? I mean, it can't be that serious.
I haven't seen you with anybody? Is she cute? How old is she?
I really should go. But we're good, right?
- Yeah. - We are great.
We are awesome!
Have fun on your date!
"Is she pretty? Am I pretty?
Do you want to get married?"
Eat your pie, yogi.
Well, we got 'em settled down.
Yeah, I don't think they're gonna be giving you.
Any more trouble. We took care of it.
Wow, what'd you do?
What any good dad would do.
We let 'em express their feelings,
And most importantly, we listened.
Yeah, and we gave 'em $100.
To get 'em to stop yelling at us. Dude!
I'm ridiculous?! Why would you give them money?
We're divorced! I don't have to take care of you any more!
Good lord, woman, you're covered in pie!
Where's your evil twin?
She's up in her room,
Blogging about how much she hates her mother.
Where's your evil twin?
She's in her room, reading mackenzie's blog and crying.
Look, I'm sorry that you had to miss.
Your first high school dance,
But I cannot believe what you did to that handicapped boy.
Mom, gerard is the meanest kid in school.
He doesn't like black people.
He called mackenzie names and made her cry,
And that's why we locked him in the bathroom.
Y dn't you tell me that before?
'Cause kenzie made me promise not to.
She said that if her mom found out,
She would just run down to the school and embarrass her.
Well, she is very protective...
And very embarrassing.
I'm really sorry. And I mean it.
You drive me crazy.
But I love you so much.
I love you, too, mom.
Come on. Let's go home.
Mom?
Hmm?
I didn't mean it when I said that you were ruining my life.
I know you didn't, sweetie.
And I also didn't mean it when I said.
That you were too old to get a man.
Or that your hair smells like hamburger.
Or that you were gonna die alone or that...
Okay, sweetie, apology accepted.
Okay.
+
Hey. Hey.
I just came back over to say, "dig us," right?
We set up a punishment, and we followed through.
We sure did.
Oh, my god!
You let mackenzie go to the dance!
How did you know that?
I didn't even look you in the eye.
Why did you let her go? You just undermined.
Everything we did tonight.
I know. I'm sorry. I couldn't help it.
When I went to check on her,
I saw that she had put her party dress on,
And she was sobbing, annie.
It reminded me of my high school prom.
It was the worst night of my life.
Oh, please. That's what you said two nights ago.
When your jeggings split open at the p.T.A. Meeting.
And by the way, you should wear underwear to a p.T.A. Meeting.
This was worse.
The best-looking guy in school asked me to the prom.
It was the perfect night.
Until deanna and her stupid cheerleader friends got there.
They told me the only reason colton asked me.
Was because they dared him to.
Then they started laughing at my dress.
And at the bow I had taped to my head because of the al...
Alopecia, I know.
I spent the rest of the night crying in the bathroom.
And listening to lindsay murphy have a baby in the next stall.
Nikki, I had no idea.
So, yes, I do spoil mackenzie, but it's just because
I can't bear the thought of her going through one second.
Of what I went through in high school.
I want her to be happy...
And famous.
But mostly happy.
Of course you do.
That's what makes you a good mom.
And mackenzie's a wonderful girl. Really?
No.
No, but... She will be...
When she's in her 20s and she realizes.
All the amazing things you've done for her.
Seems like so far away. I'll never survive it.
Yes, you will. And I will, too.
And then we'll go live in hawaii like we always planned.
And we'll wear bikinis every day.
With skirts that cover our problem areas.
I'm really sorry I let her go.
But you should have seen her, annie. She looked so beautiful.
My little girl's going to her first dance.
Yeah.
Where are you going?
To tell sophie to get her dress on.
We're gonna be late for the dance.
I'll get you a corsage out of the fridge.
*
Wow! This is way more beautiful than I ever imagined.
I like that I'm wearing the corsage.
It makes me the girl.
Hello, ladies. So glad you could join us.
Now we don't have a lot of food here,
But I hear the pound is open till 10:00.
Okay, you know what? Knock it off, deanna.
You can't talk to nikki like that any more.
Oh, for goodness' sake, I'm kidding.
Where's your sense of humor?
Oh! I didn't realize you were so funny.
Here's something you'll laugh at.
I have never been to a school fun-raiser.
Where your husband didn't hit on me.
Isn't that hilarious?
Your dog is tiny, but she bites.
Thank you.
You're the best date I've ever had.
Oh, look at our girls.
They're having a blast.
Yeah.
But I still feel a little guilty about what they did.
To that poor gerard.
Yeah, uh, the girls didn't want me to tell you about this,
But there's a good reason why they locked him in the bathroom.
Evidently, that kid doesn't like black people.
Are you freakin' kidding me?
- Shh! - Don't make a scene.
You know why they didn't want you to tell me?
Because that's gerard thompson.
*
Oh, my god.
They made the whole thing up.
We have, awful, terrible daughters.
Pretty, though.
And isn't that what really matters?
You know what? We need to get them and take them home.
No, not home. I can't do that again.
We have to find another way to punish them.
Oh, my god. I feel so bad for you guys.
Why?
* difficulty and I'm biting on my tongue and *
Oh, no.
* keep stalling and keeping me together *
* people around got something to say now *
* holding back, every day the same *
Are they watching? Oh, yeah.
Everybody's watching.
I still don't get why this is punishment for them, though.
I know you don't, sweetie. Just keep dancing.
* consider they forget my name *
* ame, ame, ame
* they call me 'hell'.
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