Gentlemen, I want you to take a good look at this pie chart.
It represents all the money in the world.
Now, can you see which portion is controlled by De Longpre International?
De Longpre International?
Oh, you can't? Well, maybe I should zoom in.
Oh, look. There it is.
There's our piece of the pie.
Doesn't seem like enough for a meal, does it?
All the other companies have their bellies full of money pie
while Daddy's up here
with his tummy grumbling!
Now, who wants to take responsibility for this?
Anyone?! Anyone?!
No one?!
All right, then I'll decide.
Mark, it's you. You're fired.
Um, I'm Mark.
Okay. Then who are you?
My name's Todd. Well, Todd,
today's your lucky day-- Mark here just saved your job.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment
with a yummy fruit cup.
Brian.
(high-pitched): Spoon me.
What a moron.
Does he have any clue what this company does?
Okay, okay, enough.
Thankfully, we only have to do that once a month.
But remember, his father built this company from the ground up,
so we have to maintain the illusion that he has a job here.
Now, let's get ready for the real meeting.
Mark, you actually are fired, though.
De Longpre accidentally nailed that one.
♪ Allen Gregory 1x04 ♪ Interracial McAdams Original Air Date on November 20, 2011
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
♪ Ya, ya... ♪
♪ Ya, ya ♪
♪ Allen ♪
♪ Gregory ♪
♪ Allen, Allen. ♪
Where to sit, where to sit,
I could probably just scootch in next to Joel.
Allen Gregory, we should probably
just go to our normal table.
(whispers): Shut the hell up.
I'm trying to work this. - Uh, what are you doing?
Oh, don't mind us, Joel.
Just looking for a place to land here.
Well, I am minding you, because this is our table.
GIRL: Joel, let him sit.
I'm sorry. What'd you say, girl?
Um... let him sit?
Yeah, that's what I thought you said:
"Let him sit."
And then what? Let him move in to my house?
- Let him have sex with my mom? - Well, no, I didn't think...
That's right, you didn't think.
Uh-oh, looks like somebody better get in between you two.
Lez eat! Hold up.
Hold up. Incoming!
(kids laughing)
His underwear's not dry no more 'cause there's
chocolate milks inside!
So, what-what did we decide on, the usual table?
I know you wanted to set up shop here, but...
it's kind of tight.
I don't want to eat all, like... (grunting)
(chuckles): You know?
RICHARD: All right, time for workies.
What's on the agenda this afternoon?
Well, first of all, guess who made the front page
of the Journal again. You did!
RICHARD: Mm. Not a bad shot.
Does my neck look young?
Uh... yes,
it loo... young.
Because when I was on the cover last month,
my neck didn't look that young.
And I think the readers felt that!
Oh, me, too. But I think here it comes off extremely young, sir
Like, how young?
Uh...
like, mid-30s? Mm...
Like, early thir... Mm?
I think mid to late... Mm...
Probably early... Twenties...
Twenties. Twenties. Yes!
Is that a 21-year-old neck I'm looking at?
Brian!
21! You!
Maybe I'd buy 25.
(laughing) Yeah, well...
Okay, next. Whadda we got, whadda we got,
whadda we got, what do we got?
Well, the Atlanta office has a problem that's got them
totally stumped.
Red pape..
or blue paper?
Mm...
For anything specific, or...?
Just in general. Right. Okay.
Bl.
Wait! No. Yes! Blue!
Wow! You just nailed that, sir.
That's why, that is why
I'm an assistant and you're Super-CEO.
That's exactly why, Brian.
(phone ringing) Hey, this sounds important.
I'll get it. Hello? I'll tell him.
There's been a crisis in Japanese markets.
They need you to make a decision: buy or sell?
How about...
both?
Yoshi? He says both.
You brilliant son of a bitch!
You saved the company again!
Aw, you helped.
(beeping)
And there she blows. There's the day.
Sorry. I can never remember.
What's the code for the elevator?
You... just hit the down button.
The down button. Gotcha.
(birds chirping)
All right, here's tonight's homework. Geen, sweetheart,
think we could button up that blouse all the way to the neck?
Catching those weird bumps from the saline bags.
Trying to bang off a couple of e-mails here, baby.
Okay, I don't have...
(quietly): It's not worth it.
Okay, Joel Zadak is out sick today,
so could someone volunteer to bring him his homework, please?
Oh, me, me, me, me, me...
(clears throat) I mean, uh,
(chuckles): I guess I'll do it.
I'm gonna have to move something... Can I?
Get away with a 10:00 a.m....
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I live on his street.
Well, that's very sweet...
Patrick.
Thank you...
Patrick.
Patrick, a word outside, please?
(echoing thud) Hand it over.
But Ms. Winthrop said I should bring it...
I don't care what that filthy whore said.
I'm bringing Joel his homework.
But it's easier if I...
Patrick, you have no idea
how close you are right now.
Close to...
Patrick.
What am I close to?
Patrick.
(bell dings) Okay, I got the Wall Street Journals.
Oh, what are all these?
I just said it-- the 50 copies like you asked for.
What?! I didn't ask for 'em.
But since they're here, what's going on with them?
Nothing. They're just here now.
♪ Julie! Just in time! ♪
Guess who's got the neck of a teenager
on the front page of the Wall Street Journal.
Please don't make me play this game again.
That isn't my neck. Wait a second.
That isn't my face. That's some army guy's neck and face!
Why doesn't this look like the one I got at work?
Uh, Richard, this isn't a real Wall Street Journal.
At all.
Ooh, look at this hotshot, huh, Pilar?
He knows what a newspaper looks like!
He's right, Dad. Yes, that one looks fake.
Okay, Pilar, that's all for the day.
Thank you so much.
Something does seem off.
Its fakeness? Not sure what.
Anyway... Richard, aren't you at all curious
why someone made this? Yes, I am.
Anyway... I think we should
go down to your office and find out what's going on.
Mm, I don't know if my office is even happening anymore today.
It's... 3:30.
I'm pretty sure it's still happening.
Or... is this happening?
Beep!
Get the car.
(birds chirping)
Oh, my God!
Not yet, buddy. You're still with us.
Brought over a few zinc geltabs.
Think you can keep these babies down?
What are you doing here?
Oh, just watching you sleep. And Gina asked me
to bring you your homework-- and I was, like,
I'll do it for Zadak, not for you, you stuck-up bitch, and...
How long have you been in my room?
About ten, 15.
Plus, I watched Castle
with your dad for a hot 45.
He is the best, right? Okay,
if you don't get out of my face,
I'm gonna put your face...
(sighs) Lost it.
Through the wall? No, it was something
better than that.
Into your fist? What?
Why would I say it like that?
The order is
all wrong. All wrong. Right.
You'd probably start...
Start with the fist.
End with the face, yeah. Right.
It's okay, buddy, you're off your game.
I need you to focus on getting well.
And in the meantime,
I'll hold it down at school, whatever.
You stay here until I get back tomorrow.
Don't come back here. I'll come back here,
fill you on school stuff,
let you know what Guillermo and Ian
are getting all mixed up into, and after that,
if we want to throw in Kate and Leopold,
we'll throw in Kate and Leopold.
We're not watching Kate and Leopold.
We'll watch ten minutes of Kate and Leopold,
we'll see how you like it, and then we'll watch the rest.
(groans)
(elevator bell dings)
Hello, Jennifer.
Oh. Hello, Mr. De Longpre.
Sir, Mr. De Longpre's here.
I know he was here this morning; I'm telling you
I just saw him. I'm in position.
Oops. Excuse me.
- Ah, cart. Now we're screwed. - Yep.
Well, no, we can just walk over here.
Oh, all...
uh...
Oh, good. You made it.
Yeah, sorry, Mr. De Longpre, door's on the fritz.
Afraid it's gonna be a few days before it's operational.
Again?! Why is this always happening?
Richard, they're doing this.
There's no such thing as a door on the fritz.
But the man said. Go in there.
Bzzz! (gasps)
That was him.
He made that sound with his mouth.
You can open that door.
Julian!
- Actually, it's Brian. - Brian!
Hey, guys. How you holding up?
- Hi, Allen Gregory. - Holding up? What do you mean?
(sighs) Look at you,
falling apart on us already.
Maybe this'll help.
I saw Joel last night.
He said he doesn't want to miss anything while he's out sick.
He thinks I should be his eyes and ears until he comes back.
I don't understand. Yeah, that seems kind of weird.
So you're disagreeing with Joel on this?
You're saying Joel's wrong?
You're challenging his authority and you hate Joel?
Just trying to get it all down for him.
Well, I-I guess if he really said so.
Wonderful. I'm gonna escort Brinique to class.
So let's reconvene at the cafeteria.
Our usual table, where we always sit together?
Hey! Eyes straight ahead!
She's not a piece of meat, you animal!
Thanks for that.
Oh, absolutely.
A lot more where that came from.
Hey! Oh, were you not...
Sorry about that.
He wasn't looking. False alarm.
Okay. This is me.
Oh.
(goofy voice): Social studies!
(giggles)
You good? Got everything? Books?
Yep. In my bag.
Okay, I'm gonna write down my cell.
If you need anything, you call this number,
you hear me? Yeah, okay. Thanks.
You're really nice, Allen Gregory.
Oh, stop. Get to class, you.
Wow! You were talking to Brinique?
Oh, was I? Yeah.
Brinique, she's a good kid.
I think she kind of likes you.
What did you say? (gasps)
Don't you ever say that again!
Everything I do, I do it for Joel!
He's coming back,
and until that day,
what's his is his, capisce?
I'm sorry, Allen Gregory.
Hey, it's all right.
You're just a baby-- you didn't know any better.
I demand to know what's going on!
I just walked in on my assistant making a fake newspaper.
My phone isn't connected to anything!
I'm Super-CEO! I want answers or I get my dad in here!
All right, have a seat.
The thing is, Richard... Start talking!
I am talking.
The thing is, Super-CEO isn't a real position.
You don't actually do anything here.
That's ridiculous. I choose red or blue paper.
And I've never been wrong.
Your father has us give you pointless jobs like that
to distract you, because he doesn't think
you can handle any real ones.
Poo! I can do any job at this company.
I can do your job, I can do my assistant's job.
I can be the guy who takes the cars when you walk in
and drives them around all day.
I demand to be given some real responsibilities!
I know things. Squeeze me out,
and I'll take this whole company down with me.
What do you know?
Well, I know that the founder's son
took out his wiener at the shareholders' meeting.
That was you. You did that.
Right! That's how I know.
All right, tomorrow we'll give this a try,
see what you're made of.
You will see what I'm made of, so get everybody ready.
I will.
Oh, you want me to... now?
(dial tone) Uh, everyone?
Richard De Longpre will be coming in tomorrow
to show us what he's made of.
Mm-hmm.
So, get ready for that.
Thank you.
(door closes)
(sighs)
Guillermo, look at you trying brie for the first time.
What do you think, my man?
It's my new favorite cheese.
Damn right it is, you silly freak.
Now give me a sound bite I can take back to Joel.
You can express to Joel that it tastes good in my mouth?
Perfect. He'll love that.
PATRICK: Hi, Allen Gregory.
Here's that get-well card for Zadak you asked for.
(in funny voice): Thank you, Patrick.
I will take that and in turn give you this.
(laughter)
I got to say, Allen Gregory,
it's pretty cool having you around.
- It is enjoyable, Allen Gregory. - Yeah, it really is pretty cool.
Aw, you guys,
cut it out.
Um, Allen Gregory,
what if I said I didn't want Joel to come back?
Aw, Little 'Niquey,
I see what's going on here.
Joel's gone, and you're feeling that void.
But I like you... Shush-ush-ush-ush.
You don't.
I mean, you do-- how could you not?--
but you don't.
Now write something nice on that card, you doof.
That a girl.
Guillermo, baby, go ahead and swallow that coleslaw down
and give this a monster lick for me, pal.
Okay, so let's start with third quarter estimates.
Idea.
Books you can read in the shower.
Whoo!
Where did that come from?
Do you know what this company even does?
Yikes, buddy, seems like you should have
worked that out on your own time.
Okay, let's just go over the Nike account.
Todd, are you all set to finalize that deal today?
Yes, it's all in place; I just have to make a call...
That account is mine and you know it!
Richard. No, no, no!
You need a guy with big ideas,
and I'm the only one who's got 'em.
Elliptical machine for dogs!
Richard, please sit down.
That's what they told Rosa Parks,
and she sat down, all right, but I won't.
(sighs) Fine.
Todd, Richard's handling the account now.
Richard, Todd already put the deal together, so
all you have to do is confirm it by phone.
All right, guess I'll try and squeeze it in.
Ugh, this Nike account's busting my balls.
You feel me, Todd?
ALLEN GREGORY: Okay, what else,
what else, what else?
Ian's new sweater-- covered that.
Oh, this was crazy-- at lunch,
Guillermo got a Tater Tot with a piece of corn inside.
(laughing): His face was like, "What?"
I was all, "I am telling Joel about that."
Please get out of here now.
Starting to drift off, huh?
Okay, one more order of business.
Brought you a little get-well card.
It's from all of us
but purchased and coordinated
by me specifically.
See what I wrote? Read it out loud.
That's okay, I have it memorized.
"Dear J, I am so sick of you being sick,
so you better get better."
And that's from right here, padre.
Brinique wants to break up with me.
Brinique's breaking up with you?
I am baffled,
because there were honestly no warning signs.
D-Did she mention why or...?
She just wrote she found someone else.
Doesn't say who.
Okay, yes, that is a relief to whoever that is.
Well, I guess we can go ahead
and rule out the definitely nots,
starting with the two big dogs in this room.
Hey, you think Ian's trying to make a move?
Does he have the rocks?
Things were fine before I left.
Okay, listen, if you cry,
I'm seriously going to lose it all over the place.
I cannot handle that right now
because I am sitting here, watching my best friend
in the universe go through this, and I am just like...
I'm not crying.
Oh, good, you've always been
the stronger of the two of us, J.
I'm coming back to school tomorrow.
I'll talk to her then.
Tomorrow? No.
No, no, no, stop that, stop.
I'm gonna tuck you in here like a little cocoon
so you can wake up a little butterfly.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
Ju-Just tucking you in.
Keeps the heat from escaping.
Don't ever do that again.
Right, gotcha.
So we've discovered the line, I guess.
I got to say, this whole real-job thing
feels pretty much the same,
except now my door locks from the inside.
Well, the Nike rep is supposed to call any minute.
Remember, all you have to do
is agree to the terms, okay?
Mr. De Longpre?
What does the VH stand for?
What?
In VH1. (phone rings)
Hmm, let's table that.
Richard De Longpre. I'm on the phone.
Mr. De Longpre, Dan Pearson from Nike.
Can the pleasantries, Pearson! You know what I want.
Well, the deal I had arranged with Todd
had us offering 400,000 per...
Todd's out, and it's 500,000 now.
500,000?
That's what I heard myself saying.
Wow, that is high, uh, but our companies
have been doing business together for a long time.
Uh, I guess we can agree to that.
Not so fast, pal.
You bit on that offer pretty quick.
Big mistake 'cause now it's ten million.
Okay, I'm not sure what's going on.
I'm hanging up.
I'm hanging up first!
Got those bastards on the run.
Sir, I really think you should... Relax, Chippy.
They're shaking in their boots.
In a little while they'll call back, beg us to let 'em sign.
All we have to do is wait.
We lost Nike!
Ah, damn.
(grunting)
(exhales)
C-T, maybe pull a couple weights off for me,
drop it down to 210.
Whoa, Allen Gregory, you usually kill it on the press.
Something wrong?
I don't know, it's just not working out
like I thought it would.
Why? You're in tight with Guillermo and Ian, right?
Got Brinique begging for it.
What else you want?
I guess I just thought we'd be doing it together.
Me and you?
I don't know, I work here most days.
I mean, I could probably get out to...
No, no, no, me and Zadak.
Ah... check this out.
In 20 years you're gonna look back and realize
that your elementary school popularity
was the most important thing that ever happened to you.
You got to put this kid in the ground.
Really?
Oh, yeah. When he shows up at school,
you show him that you got his girl and you got his crew
and you step on his neck.
You got the juice now, AG.
You gonna give that up just so you can be friends with Zadak?
But I'm not even interested in Brinique.
Hey, I wasn't all that interested in Christina Ricci,
but you do it for your career.
I'll tell you a story.
Just let me make sure I'm not calling her
by accident in my pocket.
Wait, do I have a phone?
I can't go in there.
They're just going to yell at me
and give me less stuff to do.
Well, yeah, I'm sure they'll do both of those things.
And since I'm the coward that I am,
I'll probably just take it in the rump
and limp on out of there.
Or you fix it.
You get Nike back.
Oh, Jeremy, and how am I supposed to do that?
You'll figure it out, and after you do,
you'll demand another monster account
and another one after that and another one after that
because you're the super-CEO of De Longpre International.
It's a fake title.
Only if you allow it to be.
Now, you go in there and you show them it's real.
So Zadak comes back today, huh?
What's it been, two days?
Feels more like two years.
I like it better without him.
Is that so crazy?
It's not crazy, Guillermo.
I feel the same way.
And I guess you're going through
with the whole breakup? Uh-huh, yeah.
Ah, Brinique-- little sweet, black Brinique.
Look, there is Joel coming through the door right now.
Hey, guys, somebody move over.
Daddy's back.
Brinique, what's the deal, babe?
Why won't anyone look at me?
Oh, my God, please don't cry.
Ugh, you can't let this happen,
you big sap.
Joel, so glad you're back, pal.
I was starting to think I'd have to hang out
with these chumps forever.
Who's a chump-- me? Like this rube
going on and on
about his truck collection.
We get it, man, you like trucks.
Well, guess what-- four is not a collection.
I hate trucks, and I have seven!
(whimpers) And look at this
big old churro,
strung out on brie like a frigging junkie.
Fun fact about brie-- it's $6.50 a pound.
If you were $6.50 a pound, you'd cost a billion pesos.
'Cause your currency's worthless.
Allen Gregory, why are you doing this?
I'm sorry, what'd you say?
I just don't understand.
That's right, you don't.
Remember when I walked you
to class?
Well, guess what.
It was on my way.
(sniffles)
Yep, these losers are all yours.
No, Allen Gregory, you're the loser.
These are my friends,
and no one talks to my friends like that.
Do it.
Say it with me, guys.
ALL: Incoming!
(laughter)
GUILLERMO: His underpants are yet again wet with milks.
Thanks for sticking up for me.
You got it.
So, Guillermo, you had a corn in your Tater Tot?
Tell me the whole story, go.
Welcome back, sir, back where you belong.
Hey, Allen Gregory, I saw what happened over there.
Don't worry, I'll still be your fr...
Take off your pants and give them to me.
(indistinct chatter)
Richard, we need to know what happened.
Okay, okay, here's how it went.
I'm on the phone, all set to close the deal,
but then this guy comes over and starts chanting,
"Ten mil, ten mil!"
And I'm shaking my head like, "No, thanks,"
but then he starts going like this.
And I'm thinking, "I'd better do it
or this maniac is gonna punch me."
Okay, none of that is true.
Look, Richard, we're not looking
for excuses right now.
We need answers--- what are we going to do?
Without Nike, our three-year projections will tank.
He doesn't even know what our company does!
Somebody's got to be held accountable. How are you going to fix this?
What could you possibly have said?
A very frustrating situation.
He's an idiot. How are you going to fix this?
Richard, Richard.
Richard?
Blue?
What was that?
Blue paper?
You think we should try the blue paper?
Yeah?
Hello, Nike?
Richard says blue.
We're back.
(overlapping chatter)
Whoo! There he is.
So he bought it?
He bought it.
Nice work.
So how'd it go?
You show 'em who's boss?
I sure did.
Rich, I'm really proud of you.
Well, I guess I deserve that.
Now take me home, Jeremy.
(engine starts)
== sync, corrected by elderman ==