For the invention of the steam-automated man corset
you are hereby accepted as a member of the Cranial Lodge.
Next!
It's you again, Mr Maven.
I see from the ledger that you are the only arbiter in history
that hasn't been accepted into the Cranial Lodge.
May I suggest it has something to do with the quality of his inventions?
Air pockets.
You may have a point, Chrissy.
Now, what have you got for us today, Mr Maven?
Sit, sit, sit.
Gentlemen, I present...
the stand and stir.
This...
This simple device allows one to stir tea from a distance.
One can saunter.
Or... a light skip can be achieved.
Don't do the skip. Please ... Through practice.
I have to do the skip.
Membership denied.
Next!
"Residents of Jinsy, stand by your tessellators."
"Now is the time to sing, sing, sing!"
"Attention, all residents."
"As the hotwave continues to sizzle,
more emergency durisdics have been introduced."
"All water will be slowed down to medium."
"That's enough to rinse two gruntle sacks
or one lady's dimple hammock."
"Dogs doing puddleshake must be put in a special dog poncho
for water retento."
"Anyone finding any spare water
should place it in the aqualopes provided
and post it back to the Welfrod Memorial Reservoir."
"If you are going out, don't forget to use new Huffbolls Slapcream
with added sand for that real beachy feel!"
"Huffbolls."
I mean, look at this fork.
It's fork shaped, it's called a fork,
you use it for forking things. It's so simple.
Sir ... And this cup.
It's cup shaped, it's called a cup, you use it for cupping things.
Sir ... And this shoe. It's shoe shaped...
Sir! I've got the idea.
So I've come up with the kiddlewack.
It's kiddlewack shaped, it's called a kiddlewack.
Over to you. What?
What's it for?
Its a box with a sugar lump in it.
So simple!
Mr Maven. Daily greet!
Stay on the mat, you're dripping! Sorry. What do you want, Trince?
According to the time scroll,
today is your annual inspection of The White Apron Playgroup, sir.
What, that place with all those funny little dwarf people? Children.
I haven't got time! I'm too busy inventing!
Yes, the only arbiter in history
that hasn't gained membership of the Cranial Lodge.
Until now. Look what he's come up with.
The executive single sugar lump transportation unit.
I've already got one of those. Damn! I knew I'd seen it somewhere.
It's wonderful. It's waterproof. I've had that for three cycles now.
Look at that, sir. It's really well made. I've seen it.
Having fun? Yeah, just looking for your personality.
No, still nothing.
Maven said to give you this job sheet. Something to do with drains.
Let me see.
Reading between the lines, and taking out any references to sewage,
this is essentially a love note.
What a putrid stench!
Awful. Last time there was a blockage,
it turned out to be one of those bob-a-job boys.
He'd been down there a week.
I heard the cries, but I thought it was the voices in my head.
"Help, I'm stuck down the drain." Why would the voices say that?
They say all sorts of things.
For instance, yesterday they told me to knit a full-size figure of myself
Which is utterly ridiculous.
Although I've made a start.
Come on.
Element repord for Threesday the 14th of
At seven and two today, warnings from the Melt Office ... Ouch!
With occasional ooh-aah on roof slates,
with the ability to fry an egg. Grr!
No poaching!
Moving on to-to-to-to-to-to-to...
tomorrow's picture.
Mainly light crayon moving to a heavy felt pen in the South.
Scribbles rising.
Wind at sock level, softly softly.
Possibility of electric dogstorms.
Bang bang bang! Woof woof! Bang bang! Woof woof! Bang bang!
Dank gussets at dawn.
There are so many new things to show you, Arbiter. Good. Excellent.
The school prostitute now comes in twice a week for the older boys.
We've doubled the amount of cigarette machines. Smoking's up 20%
How you doing, Tiddly Eye? My back's playing up again.
You? I'm fine.
And by harnessing the power of Mrs Abnee's jazz tap class,
we can now heat the whole main building.
that's quite good.
What's going on?!
Don't worry. It's part of Mr Forster's advanced bullying class.
This term's victim is young Caravel Didd-Onion here.
What are you calling him, boys? Flabby sacks.
Not very imaginative. Think!
For example, why not use his lack of hair to taunt him with?
Any suggestions? Miss!
Menzies Junior. Bald Bastard, miss?
The white pumpkin? Very good.
Moving on, Mr Maven, the children have made a display
called Visions of the fu-charrr.
Here's an inflatable chimney.
This one's a gentleman's apple holder.
So simple.
I've made something as well, actually.
We're not talking to you. You're being bullied.
Where are your bullies? They've got fire practice.
It's book burning exams next week.
Well, go after them! Ask them for a kick in the balls or something!
Use your initiative, lad!
Now, come through, Mr Maven.
The first form have written a play about you and your achievements.
How wonderful! Although have I got time?
It won't take long, sir.
Caravel? What was your invention? Just...
It's a kind of motorised transportation vehicle.
I named it after myself.
What, the car?
No, the vel!
You know, whenever I look out of this window, all I see is myself.
That's a mirror, sir.
Well, what's that enormous hill in the middle?
Your nose, sir. No, no.
No, no. I would never wear my cape in the tower.
I leave it by the front door. So you're wrong!
Who made this? There's no "on" switch.
So you're wrong.
It's horrid, horrid! Urgh!
Get back to work, Sporall!
Where next? Oof!
So what you're suggesting, Sporall,
is that we break into a children's playgroup
and steal one of their inventions?
Then pretend it's yours, sir ... if you want membership of your club.
Utterly immoral and illegal.
We don't both need to go, do we?
It's a ginger beard.
Gruffly Say!
Hello, Jenta. Girtle, you made me jump.
What's that? You smell like a big forest.
It's these new gland plug-ins in my neck.
You've been to Moostrons Smell Parlour
and had gland plug-ins surgically inserted in your neck? Yes.
It's only three nights' stay in the medihut
with minimal scarring and paralysis.
Your armpit smells like a hayloft.
But I've got the whiff of a damp poncho behind my knees.
I won't ask you where they put the other plug-ins.
Why not? It might be up your a...
Lights out, boys! Busy day tomorrow.
Double cocktails in the morning,
then you're going into town for Mr Baxter's graffiti field trip.
Wet the bed again, Didd...Onion?
Where am I gonna sleep now?
This way.
Hold this fork, sir.
I've never done anything like this before, Sporall. What, crouching?
Yes, I normally stand upright.
Shove the fork up, sir!
How dare you ... No, the fork. Shove it up, sir.
I see.
Are you sure we should go for the vel?
This musical vest looks splendid.
Very loud though. Shh. Come on.
What's this one? Extra-strong wall-piercing bird alarm.
Don't touch anything! Come on.
Disappointing. I thought it would go
Sorry.
I'm standing by the left foot
of a new statue of scientist Cleveley Enge.
Cleveley Enge discovered air back in the 1020s
after receiving the Clumm Morrence Research Cup
for his previous discoveries,
soil and sky.
Until the 1020s, no one on Jinsy had bothered to look at
what we have since termed "the very obvious".
Cleveley Enge first came to prominence
with his theories of cross-transfer beard exchange.
And microbacterial choreography.
But it was with air that he really captured the island's imagination.
At a histomic public unveiling,
islanders were shocked to see the air which Enge had currently trapped
in a bell jar.
Through an exhaustive daily programme,
he had trained the air to do a series of remarkable tricks.
Mesmerised crowds looked on as his specimen performed
the double loop, the turn swing skid,
and air's most celebrated feat, the high flier.
Tragically, it was Enge himself who inhaled his own protege
at the climax of the display.
His discovery brought on an island-wide craze for air pets
and people were often to be seen out walking their airs.
After a woman was badly wafted...
The public turned against keeping airs altogether
and they were set free to roam wild across the upper parishes
where they can still not be seen to this very day.
Aren't you going to help me push?
No, no. I don't want to get all sweaty.
Sporall? What are you doing?
Maven's borrowing the vel. Right.
How do I open these doors? Hold on.
I can't quite reach.
Can you lift me up?
Thanks, Tiddly Eye. Maybe see you for a drink some time.
Yes, lovely.
Very disappointed in that bird alarm.
Course, if anyone finds out about this, I shall blame you completely.
This is my lane. I'm going to head chaletwards. I'm rather tired.
Just leave it by the tower. But I've got go half way across the island.
Don't be such a baby!
Nightly bye.
Nightly bye, sir.
No. I have to do the last kiss.
Nightly bye.
Nightly bye, sir.
Nightly bye.
"Come and visit Hoofan,
the parish of pipes!"
Vegetricity pipes, leisure pipes, sewage pipes. Pipes!
The children's pipe orchestra. Pipes!
The ladies' pipe-smoking guild. Pipes!
And of course home to some of Jinsy's most attractive plumbers.
The Leaning Pipe of Peter, Pipe Henge,
Pipe Park, Pipe Rock, The Pipe Mess Monster
and The Pipefel Tower. Pipes!
Of course, if you don't like pipes,
there are now designated viewing areas
where only about 300 or 400 pipes are visible. Pipes!
There had better be a good reason
why you've dragged us out here, Arbiter Maven.
This new invention of yours
isn't a glove that doubles as a tea cosy by any chance?
Or an edible shed? No, no, no.
Gentlemen of the panel, Chief Thinker, Chrissy,
I am proud to present the...
wheelie wood!
Do I get the hat? But what's it for?
It's a big wooden platformy thing on wheels that you can sit in.
It's a vel! You can use it to tra-vel the island!
What are you doing with that suitcase? Goodbye, sir!
What are you doing with my vel?!
From this moment on, I have...
freedom!
I forgot to invent brakes.
Idiotic invention. Noisy, filthy, dangerous.
I've done it, Mr Maven! Urgh! I've unblocked your drain.
What is that? This?
This was perfect. The little spoon bit gets right round corners.
Where did you find that? That's my invention!
It's so simple.
Mr Maven, we would like to welcome you
as a member of the Cranial Lodge.
Well done.
Brilliant invention.
Useful, functional.
I can't believe this. Am I really in?
What shall I call your invention? Its a kind of poop pole.
Yes, I'll put down Arbiter Maven's Poop Pole.
No, wait! I don't want my name going down in history
as some of faecal prod!
At least you got the hat.
It's a bit tight.
IMS Subtitles and APOLLO