Listen up.
Miss Roopina Crale, Chief Editor of Glove Hygiene Monthly,
is coming to interview me today.
Oh! "Why?" I hear you ask.
Well, I'll tell you.
My hand is to feature on next month's cover.
Glove Hygiene Monthly!
What other magazine so brilliantly captures
the cleansing, bleaching and maintenance
of the executive man mitten?
Big Fingerless Mitts?
No! That's utter filth!
Anyway, I want this tower spotless.
Sporall, I want you to...
Sporall, pay attention!
Where's he gone this time?
Sporall?
Beard name?
Amazes Meadow.
Get off! Go away!
Oh, Trince. What are you doing here?
Entering the competition. Thought I'd give it a go.
I know it's not much at the moment, but it will be.
Look. Make Yourself Hairy in One Day.
These books are brilliant.
I've already done this one.
Make Yourself (MUMBLES) Confident in One Day.
Sorry? Make Yourself Confident.
I've got them all.
Confident, Rich, Hairy, Thin.
I'm not going to recognise you.
What's that one on the bottom?
Biscuits. Haven't started that one yet.
(MUNCHING SOUND)
I've been nibbled!
"Residents of Jinsy! Stand by your tesselators!"
"Now is the time to sing, sing, sing!"
(COUGHS)
"Attention all residents."
"It's a busy time on the island this week,
with Pellch tit harvesting upon us again
like a thick woollen poncho."
"Residents are reminded to milk their Pellch tits
using the index and third finger only
and collect all sappy spurts in the Pellch cans provided."
"Anyone handing in the incorrect bottlage
will not be eligible for dance freely vouchers."
"These vouchers allow up to 18 hours of unregimented movement
without fear of arrest at the following venues, island-wide."
"Leeks Pelmet, Ever So Scarce, Jump Nicely,
Fronds and Wither's Bazaar."
And to keep the dippy bits between my fingers thoroughly cleansed,
I simply dab them with a sponge.
A sponge harbours all sorts of bacteria!
I shall have to terminate this interview!
No! I only use the sponge once!
And how do you dispose of it?
With...
Tongs?
Go on?
Then I dispose of those tongs with... other tongs?
(SEDUCTIVELY) And those tongs?
I sponge them down? (RETCHES)
No, Miss Crale, listen. It's a different sponge.
Beard name?
Tezzer Cliffs at Dawn.
Did you grow your beard yourself?
Yes, I did.
Get off.
Could anyone have interfered with your beard?
Well, there was this one girl...
No.
Are you carrying any sharp objects in your beard?
Just seagulls.
Get off.
Oh. Hello, Sporall.
Sergeant Bockino.
So. Where were you when this nibbling took place?
Over there. With his goat.
Goat? An animal notorious for nibbling?
Look. It's not my goat. It just keeps following me.
Sorry about that, Sporall. I just got a bit confident there.
Right. If you do think of anything significant,
I can be contacted here.
Haven't got an office. Sort of freelance.
Would you care for a mug of purified water, Miss Crale?
A mug, Mr Maven?
Or do you mean a ceramic germ farm?
Look, can we just talk about the magazine cover?
I see my left hand in a white glovette, backlit,
doing the Invisible Ball or the Weeping Spider.
You have got quite muscular digits.
Stupid woman. What are you doing?
Oh, Sporall! (GOAT BLEATS)
Mr Maven wants to see you, urgently.
Really? Yeah. You and your goat.
It's not my goat!
(SCREAMS)
Miss Crale! Miss Crale! Wait!
Oh, I know this one. Is it Patting the Horse's Neck?
What? No, it's Checking a Tall Man's Pulse.
"And you join us back in the tea tent
for the third round of the inter-parish tea-athlon."
"Podge playing for Kraw parish, of course.
Henk on the right, representing Veen.
Clonty, your thoughts on this histomic match.
Well, what's outstremely extounding is the diameter of the tea cups.
They're bigger. They get bigger and bigger every cycle.
And the blouses, Clonty? Always a joy.
A crowd pleaser.
Simple pleated chiffon just dangling in rich beauty cluster
across the booky booky.
Tell us about Mrs Henk. A woman?
A woman, yes.
Mrs Henk out of Kingcardery Offmahot,
a pedigree bitch, flat-coated, always handles well.
(BELL PINGS) I'll have to stop you there because the bell's gone.
And it's the lips, isn't it? Always the lips.
Especially with Mrs Podge. Beautiful lip work.
Both lips working in unison as one mouth.
It's almost as if she's got one mouth.
Almost. And she's eaten some biscuit
and a crumb has stuck to her cheek.
That's going to be difficult to recover from.
Unless she goes for a standard tongue-poke.
Of course, these are wafers. Yes, and wafers cling.
They're known as the dirty biscuit.
She's recovered with a knuckle shuffle, which was expected.
Such a strong, firm grip there.
Sorry, I can let go if you want.
No. Don't let go completely.
And it's a refusal from Mrs Henk. That's very bold.
And the scores are in.
Mrs Podge leads the way from Henk but by only by one point.
The Dolson twins at the bottom after their shocking chocolate protest.
Now, I believe we're going over to another tent, Clonty.
Yes, we're going over to the shower tent
for the Mixed Men's Synchronised Shaving.
Actually, you can let go now.
I'm never going to win. Look at some of these.
Pretzel Logic, Tri Tenticalis, Plait du Jaw.
What are you calling yours? Toddler's Fluff? One O'clock Shadow?
Can you pass me that spanner?
I've just heard Bebbit Odge, Chief Sanitizer at the Reservoir,
is lined up to appear on my cover, doing the Eager Prawn.
And that's mine.
He's got quite big hands, sir, so it'll probably be a King Prawn.
What are you doing?
Just adjusting your chair, sir. Don't mind me.
Sporall, it's all your fault. Bursting in with your blasted goat.
It's not my goat.
How can I persuade Miss Crale I'm worthy of that cover?
Take her to that new Hygiene Bar, sir. Hygiene Bar?
You know, where the old Soap Bar used to be. Next to Loofahs.
Opposite The Tap and Sponge. Oh, yes. A date.
(BANG) Ow!
Yeah, a date. (BANG)
(STRUMS GUITAR)
♪ Brush the fluff from your collar
♪ Wipe the crumbs from your hair
♪ Take the long forgotten underpants
♪ From hanging on the chair
♪ Pick the sticky bits of jelly
♪ From the sandals in the hall
♪ Sponge the stains of last night's supper
♪ From the coving on the wall
♪ Every single mug you own is
♪ Either chipped or slightly stained
♪ Your umbrella's turning yella
♪ And your legs are thickly veined
♪ Your front molars all have holers
♪ And your beard has got the mange
♪ You've spilt syrup on your pillow
♪ And your image needs a change
♪ Like the ring-mark round the centre of your bath
♪ Like the mossy, weedy verges of your path
♪ Like the tiny bits of biscuit twixt your toes
♪ Like the tangle of protrusions in the nostrils of your nose
♪ Like the spittle in the corners of your mouth
♪ Like the cobwebs on the sofa in your lounge
♪ Like the little specks of grease upon your loins
♪ Like the stain of a puff pastry on your old brown corduroys ♪
(SHRIEKS)
(HISSING NOISES)
(HISSES)
Yes. I have an invitation for Miss Crale.
Is it in three consecutive envelopes?
Sorry?
Oh. I'll come back.
(TESSELATOR) "Tomorrow's beard contest is hotting up,
with late entrant, My Fair Lady."
No.
No! No!
No! (SCREAMS)
(MUNCHING SOUND)
Oh, Sporall! It's you!
I'm so on edge with this nibbler about.
Are you taking your goat for a walk? Yes, it's not my goat.
I'm taking it to Longcress Common. Going to let it go.
(MAVEN) Mr Manhut.
I wish to house this invitation
within a series of consecutive envelopes.
(HAWKS PHLEGM)
It's not my shop. It's my wife's. And she's dead now.
Right. Envelopes.
I'm not really dead. It's just a lot easier. Shh. Don't tell him.
How's the beard coming along?
Good. Look. Where?
I'm only on chapter one.
I finished Make Yourself Thin, though. Worked a treat.
Come on.
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(KNOCKING)
(MUNCHING SOUND)
(SCREAMING)
Help! Help! I've been nibbled!
Whoa! Whoa! Neigh!
I don't have a police horse. I'm sort of freelance.
Don't worry, sir, I've put together this face-o-fit.
And am therefore arresting...
You!
That's a goat! That's him.
Right. You're both under arrest. Wait. It's not my goat!
"Come to Brownlap, a parish like no other."
"Visit Grassworld, the biggest expanse of grass on Jinsy,
with new attraction Bladerider, pew, pew, pew."
"And if you dare, why not explore Miriam's haunted post?"
"People say you can smell her breath on the back of your neck
if you stand too close."
"And what other parish can boast the incredible singing stump?"
"Rub the ring, and hear it sing."
(SOUND OF WINEGLASS)
"Ah, the mystery pond! Yeah!"
"Not for the faint-hearted, witness the Apple Man."
"Half man, half apple. Oh, someone's taken a bite."
"And after lunch,
there's probably time to visit the legendary Nose Stone."
"The healing powers of its nasal juices
have been proven to bring eternal life... or something."
"I'm not sure how it works. But it does."
"Ah, the mystery pond!"
"Logland is closed for refurbishment."
"But just a short cart-ride away,
the awe-inspiring Angel of the West, that dominates the skyline."
"Built by 1000 men over 100 days, it was quite difficult to build."
"It really was..."
"Ah, the mystery pond!"
Thank you for accepting my invitation, Miss Crale.
Mm. You smell of... (SNIFFS) nothing.
Oh. Thank you.
♪ Beard, Beard, we thank thee
♪ For curls and tufts and fins
♪ We really love our facial hair
♪ Which decorates our chins ♪
(APPLAUSE)
You two nibblers can just sit there and watch our hairy proudness.
It wasn't me, it was him.
(INSIDE) Chin, chin! (CHEERING)
Chin, chin!
Charles Perrit with Paint the Ceiling.
(HONKY-TONK MUSIC STARTS)
Mrs Feek, with Wonder Curtains.
(APPLAUSE)
(CROWD GASPS)
Get off. Kerry Tismitt with Pretzel Logic.
Keekery Trince with Stubble at Mill.
(BOOS)
Get off.
What on earth is going on over there?
(SIGHS) It's the Beardboy Contest.
Did you know
that the average beard contains over 67,000,000 bacterium?
Yes, I did.
That's why I have my entire body man-waxed once a week.
(SCREAMS)
Ah! The starters!
Fingerbath?
Tableboy? A modesty screen, please!
Can I have your clothes?
Startled Pheasant.
And this one I simply call Cascade.
Mr Maven, I think we can definitely find a place for you on the cover.
Wonderful news. Let's celebrate.
Tableboy? A bottle of your finest sparkling air!
(WHEEZES)
It's just a slight tickle.
Modesty screen.
(SEDUCTIVE MUSIC PLAYS)
(GLOVE SNAPS)
And your nail towel. Thank you.
(RETCHES)
A beard? In the Hygiene Bar?!
Miss Crale!
(APPLAUSE)
Oh, oh. Quiet, now. It's time for the scores from Kraw Parish.
"I liked the big puffy beard with all the muck."
The Dirty Wizard?
(CHEERING)
Finally, we're over to Nool Parish.
Can you hear me, Nool?
"What was that one, right,
where the two fat geezers were kind of joined together?"
Like a Bridge over Trevor and Walter.
(CHEERING)
(CORK POPS)
What are you doing?
You are the greatest Arbiter that Jinsy has ever known.
Yes? And I salute you.
That's very kind. I'm sorry, do I know you?
(DEEP INHALE)
I would like to take this opportunity
to tell you that you are the only man for me.
I love you and I will always love you.
You're one of those funny fellas, aren't you?
(CHEERING OUTSIDE)
What's going on out there? Where's Miss Crale?
Miss Crale?
It is my honour to announce the winner of Beardboy 1530 vovo
is...
(DRAMATIC CHORD)
(MUNCHING SOUND)
(SOUNDS OF CONFUSION)
Quick! Is there a barber in the house?
(RETCHES)
Miss Crale?
(SOUNDS OF DISGUST)
(CROWD GASPS)
That's my beard! That's mine!
Roopina Crale, The Beard Nibbler! I knew it!
Sergeant, take her to the station.
Come here, you.
Miss Crale, I put you on a pedestal,
when all you deserved was a filthy plinth.
I tried kicking the habit.
I was down to snorting one moustache a day.
Never mind her. Who's won?
No-one's won. Nobody's got a beard.
I have. (CROWD GASPS)
Tezzer Cliffs at Dawn.
(ONE MAN CLAPS)
(ALL CLAP)
Yes!
I'm alright. I'm alright.
I never got to show her my galloping naked tortoise.
I've got a couple of scrolls for you to sign, sir.
Stay on the mat, you're...
Trince?
There's something different about you.
You seem thinner and more confident. Even your hair looks thicker.
Oh, thank you sir. Would you like a biscuit?
Oh, no. It was just the light.
You're just as fat, nervous and wet as ever.
Perhaps worse, in fact.
Stay on the mat!
Sporall, get back to work. What is this?
Pipes and Beards. And I'm on the front of this one as well.
Goat Management in the Workplace.
And this, Tower Operative Monthly. There's a poster of me in this one.
I'm on one too, look.
Get Yourself on a Book Cover in One Day.
I had to pay quite a lot for it, actually.
The man was rather aggressive.
And I'm not sure how I got on this one.
Lovely Lovely Curtains and Stuff. You can just see my leg.
(GOAT BLEATS)
♪ O fare-diddly-well my Jinsy-o
♪ We stand here by the griddle
♪ I sound the horn of Bottock's Doom
(HORN BLOWS)
♪ I have a little fiddle
(FIDDLE PLAYS)
♪ Like the spittle in the corners of your mouth
♪ Like the cobwebs on the sofa in your lounge
♪ Like the little specks of grease upon your loins
♪ Like the stain of a puff pastry on your old brown corduroys ♪
IMS Subtitles and Mecano