(VACUUM WHIRRS)
Ow! Ouch.
The bag is full. I'll just empty it.
(SIGHS)
Ten days, Sporall, still no wet note.
Perhaps I've done something to offend him.
Probably that leg salute you did at Lady Coogan's garden party.
Ow!
Oh, what's this?
That's part of his septum.
I could make a necklace out of that.
Mr Maven, there is a message in your nasal hair.
Graffin Blue is going to win the 4:20 at the goat track.
(SCRIBBLING)
And there is going to be a very important visitor.
Something about doors.
"Open the door."
I'll just hold on to this for you.
"Open the door."
"Dokers Quarry."
"Three nights only."
The Great He.
That's why he hasn't been talking to me.
It's him, the Great He.
Isn't the Great He meant to have a beard?
Quickly, put me on. I must tell the people.
Don't you think we should make sure it is him?
Are you questioning my nasal hair? Put me on.
OK. "Three nights only."
Residents of Jinsy. French chimney, that was my ad.
"Today is a momentuous day."
For he hath risen from the law cave to walk amongst us.
We must all go straight to Dokers Quarry.
For this is the coming of the Great He.
Jinsy praise him.
"Residents of jinsy, stand by your tessellators,
now is the time to sing, sing, sing!"
(WOMAN) "Attention all residents."
"The new incinerator at Carks Valley is now open."
"Burning costs two yellows per item,
except for the following items which are free of charge."
"Mr Tinter's head rug."
"Those nasty tunics
from the island singer's production of Xanthi."
"All images of Mrs Wilps
when her skirt got caught in the turbine at Wendy's wind farm."
"And Jeff Hoop's musical cartridge, Cogs, Volume 8."
"It's just awful."
"Souvenirs of the incinerator including pre-singed tea-towels,
melted pen sets and candles
are now available in the incinerator gift shop
at the bottom of the chimney next to Coughs Cafe."
To think, I'm actually going to meet the Great He.
I wonder how I should address him.
Your brilliance. Your greatness.
Your... Deluded?
I might kick off with one of my poems.
Maybe Cheese In My Dreams.
Don't you think we should make sure it is the Great He first?
I mean, in all the paintings, he does have a beard.
Will you shut up about beards?
A beard is just the icing on the face.
Great men care nothing for their appearance.
How do I look?
Brilliant sound system. It's almost surround sound.
He's using dog tannoys.
"People of Jinsy!"
(ALL) Jinsy praise him.
I've gone all goose-pimply.
I told you you should have worn your vest.
"We are gathered here to share this thing called Hanging Space."
For too long our jumpers have been crumpled.
(ALL) Yes.
"For too long our trousers have been creased."
I hate that.
I'm here to tell you to look inside the box.
For this is the time of the cupboard!
(CHEERING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
♪ Hanging space
♪ No more trousers on the carpet (RHYTHMIC CLAPPING)
♪ No more blouses on the floor
♪ No more badly folded jumpers
♪ No need to put them in no drawer
♪ In the hanging space
Fascinating to see how much control he has over these people.
Why is he going on about cupboards?
As a person of higher intelligence,
one is immune from this kind of mass hysteria.
I think we should get back to the tower.
♪ Jinsy praise him
Sir.
What do we want? (ALL) Cupboards.
When do we want them? (ALL) Allow 28 days for delivery.
Normally, yes.
But today, my space children, you can have them now.
(APPLAUSE / CHEERING)
You haven't fallen for this as well?
He's the Great He.
He brings us hope. He brings us salvation.
And he brings us cupboards for 12.99. Jinsy praise him.
(EXCITED CHATTER)
Hello, I recognise you.
Hello. Hello, darling.
Yay!
I might need some help assembling this.
Maybe see you later.
(MUFFLED SPEECH)
It's me, Arbiter Maven. Yeah?
I'm thinking inside the box. Just like you said.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Daily greet.
And welcome to Punishment Round Up for Threesday the third.
First of all, Kristilla Borbo Chalet 22,
did exceed the hoof and pelch milking code to buy 15 squirts.
Once inebriated, did hurl a savoury pancake over
soprano Melia Crube during O Heart That Hath No Mercy.
So that's not good.
Punishment, two nights in the dry by the Drindel's Point.
Fine, 95 yellows.
Have your payment ready now.
"Have you got any change?"
(YELLS)
"This is Jinsy."
"Hello, welcome to the Ponce Pod."
"Tonight's ponce is Professor Sholl from the Pipits Clinic."
"Actually, I'm Professor Looms. People often say we look alike."
"Professor, why do you think the Great He
has chosen the cupboard as his symbol?"
"It's so typical of He to redefine a space
which already exists within a secondary wooden construct."
"If I were to open your doors..."
"Daily great, sir."
Poojery... And Octon Morp.
(BOTH) Jinsy Probe. Who's your lady friend?
Don't be shy, love.
I call her the Walnut Maiden.
"Lovely."
"You enjoy that?"
Yes, the response has been amahzing.
500 units shifted.
I mean, 500 space seekers following the way of the wood.
Why have you chosen cupboards as your symbol?
Well, erm...
The island's getting really crowded, innit.
And through cupboards, we can create more space.
The Great He is supposed to be ancient, how come you look about 12?
Thank you.
Moisturiser. How come you haven't got a beard?
(MUTTERING)
I must away, get a shower.
Clean off this sawdust before tonight's sale.
I mean, service.
Excuse me.
(CHATTER)
He, can I just say, I'm delighted to be in your cabinet.
Sir, what are you doing? Isn't he amahzing?
Really opened my mind. Anything in there at all.
Just have a quick scratch in my drawers, could you? Very itchy.
It's not the Great He. Out.
It's not the Great He.
Element Repord for Foursday the 18th.
Down the hatch today if you're planning to take part
in the moss jump at the hoof and hedge hut.
And hair sieves for girls wafting.
Clash later so avoid deliberate stamping in the upper parishes.
Good news for spatter fans.
Level eight to nine all nightly,
smoothing to a dripple with sheep crouch by sun climb.
Down in the lower parishes, cloud goo wafting.
Moistly mostly, with a chance of merriment.
Followed by a deep depression.
"This is Jinsy."
♪ Types of woods, so many types of wood
♪ So many types of wood
♪ Pinewood for my bed stand
♪ Larchwood for my door
♪ Balsa for the model farm my brother Nigel bought
♪ Types of wood
♪ So many types of words
♪ And I think wood is good
(APPLAUSE)
And we could live in our own storage unit together, He.
And we could adopt a little nest of tables.
One of each colour.
Yes, we could.
You'll have to excuse me.
I've just got to give a little guidance to some new followers.
Why don't you do your nails?
Sporall, what are you doing here?
You're not allowed near the Law Caves.
How did you get past the killer crabs?
I just kicked them off the rocks. They're tiny.
They can really pinch.
Look, what are we going to do about this cupboard bloke?
Yes, I've unearthed some vital information.
Really?
Throughout history, the Great He, Jinsy praise him,
has come amongst us in various disguises.
For instance, as Jerry Hoften, the hairy organ-grinder.
And the Colstock twins, whose faces had magnetic properties.
What's this vital information?
They all had little beards.
Is that it?
Yes.
♪ Hanging space Jinsy praise him
♪ Hanging space
It's all kicking off at Dokers Quarry.
I know.
I had my first sensual awakening there.
Really?
If it wasn't for a bit of loose scree,
he would have taken full advantage of me.
It took two days to find him.
It was deep pit.
I mean, I waited
but he had lost interest by the time they winched him back up.
All screws... (ALL) Should be tightened.
♪ And the wooden dowling...
(ALL) Placed in the pre-drilled holes.
And afterwards, afix the doorknobs...
(ALL) With a wood adhesive
and leave to dry overnight on a flat surface,
placing a heavy weight on each
to allow the adhesive to bond sufficiently.
Here ends the leaflet.
(ALL) Yes, it does.
(APPLAUSE)
Let us plain.
Get lost, I'm doing worship.
Yes, can I help you?
I was right, it's not the Great He.
He hasn't got a little beard. He has.
And on the first day, he did assemble the drawers.
But lo, many days later,
he still hadn't managed to finish them.
Wait, there is an unbeliever amongst us.
Bring him to me.
Welcome.
Take this.
And screw thyself.
So you are the Great He? Yesssssss.
Wait a minute, that's Maven's septum.
You made a bit out of his nasal hair.
Get him!
Don't let him get away!
And what I would also like to say, He,
is that you have helped me find my inner shelf.
I hope you don't think I'm going on too much,
it's just you're such a good listener.
To think, the Great He has hung his underpants in my cupboard.
I'll go and see if he wants another cocktail.
No, I'll go. I know exactly how he likes it.
"This is Mrs Vector, enjoying a cup of tea with me, Eric Dunt.
"At Dunt cupboards."
"No, you sit down and I'll bring the cupboards to you, my darling."
Oh, He.
Your cocktail.
"Dunt cupboards."
"Cupboards that keep on giving."
No!
You son of a murk toad. You've ruined everything.
I was about to branch out into foot spas,
three speeds with a massage setting.
(SCREAMS) What is this?
(LAUGHS) It's an acrylic mix.
It's really itchy.
(SCREAMS)
(WHOOSHING SOUNDS)
No!
(SCREAMS)
I'm standing outside the poncette where ponces island-wide
are gathering for a new exhibition entitled Fruit Slappers.
A retrospectical of midget fruit portraitist Mence Oin.
Oin caused a sensation in the Tenties
with his portrait of a naked grape.
Postcards of his infamous half-peeled banana were seized in four parishes.
Until this time, fruit in art
had always been draped tastefully with leaves.
His work gave rise to the adult fruit industry.
Where fruits were often forced into appearances.
(MAN) Peel yourself. Show us your pips.
Fruit could often be seen being passed under the counter
in brown paper bags.
His experimental film, Citric Slaughterhouse,
subtitled De-Pip Me, Applemonger,
in which a fruit is graphically depicted being sliced and de-seeded,
was banned and effectively ended Oin's career.
It was from this movement
the controversial era known as the Swinging Fruities emerged
as music shocked the establishment.
♪ When I put on my fruit suit, baby
♪ Everyone stops and stares
♪ Apples sewn on my shoulders
♪ Trousers made out of pears
♪ Where? There
♪ A fruit suit, fruit suit, fruit suit
♪ A fruit soup, fruit suit,
♪ My loganberry cardigan is zipped up tight
♪ My big banana platforms will be right tonight
♪ Fruit suit, fruit suit, fruit suit
♪ Tonight Fruit suit, fruit suit, fruit
Sir, the residents are demanding their money back for the cupboards.
It's nothing to do with me.
You're the one who sent them all to Dokers Quarry.
Shut up, Trince and stay on the mat, you're dripping.
I'm not.
Of course, we still haven't heard from the Great He.
Jinsy praise him.
Of course, he's been on holiday.
To think, I let a dodgy cupboard salesmen use me as a footstool.
You're lucky.
I was his tool cabinet.
I will never be taken in so easily again.
Open the door. (BANGING)
Yes, sweet lord.
I am the chosen one.
Praise me in your arms.
If you open the door, I might give you a cuddle.
Sporral?
Hello, sir. Hello.
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