[♪]
Ah, the white asteroid has collided with planet 5,
and it's heading for the black hole!
Now, who will die next?
Ah, stripey planet 13.
Hey!
I was about to send that to another dimension.
Play time is over.
The adults would like to use the table.
Go suck on a sock.
I was here first, Lewis.
Your parents will have to wait.
Those are my friends.
[Quietly sniggering] Really?
Where did you meet them, at square dancing?
There's nothing wrong with square dancing.
Anyway,
why don't you and I play a game?
Winner gets the table.
Okay,
but we play my game,
and it's called Death Space 2000!
First one to sink all the stripey
or solid planets into the black holes wins,
but you can't kill the evil black planet
till the last.
Let's play.
Grab some tomato juice, Lewis,
'cause you're about to get skunked.
Did you say something about tomato juice?
[Thud] Ow!
Oops.
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
If I leave right now, I can catch the bus.
By the time you get to the bus, I'll have this started.
Okay, try it now.
Did you try it?
Yes, I tried it.
Guess what happened?
What?
Oh.
Well, the car doesn't run on sarcasm,
so that didn't help.
[Dialing cell phone]
Do not call a mechanic.
By the time one gets here--
You'll have the car started.
I'm calling Joyce to let her know I'll be late.
Tell her you might be late.
This is weird.
Joyce is never late for a meeting.
I'll call the police.
You look in the alley for severed heads,
and if you see one, check if it's Joyce's.
Ah, don't call.
I'm sure she's fine.
[Groans in pain]
What's wrong with your arm?
I hurt it playing pool.
Actually, I hurt it snapping the pool cue
after I lost at pool.
You mean billiards?
What game were you playing?
Nine-ball? Cut-throat?
Slippery Sam? Manitoba hobo?
Death space 2000.
I don't know that one,
and I've studied billiards for years.
It's a good way to show off to chicks
without lifting heavy stuff.
Well, maybe you can give me some hints.
'Cause I would love to go back
and shove something into Lewis' face.
Sure. How about right now?
Uh, what about the meeting?
Uh...
"We were... here."
There.
Shouldn't we sign it?
She'll figure it out.
Okay.
Thanks for the ride.
No problem.
You're on my way to work anyway.
I'm pretty sure it's the fuel pump.
Did it turn over at all?
No.
Then it's not the fuel pump.
Probably the battery.
Ooh, it's a possibility, I guess.
I mean, you weren't there, so...
[Engine racing]
Aren't we going a little fast?
Relax, cops don't care
if you're only 10 over the speed limit.
But you're 20 over.
Yellow light!
[Tires squealing]
Okay, pretty sure the cops care
if you speed through red lights.
In billiards,
like many other things in life,
you're only as good as your equipment.
That's why you need your own cue.
Whooh, I like this one.
Oh, uh-uh.
You don't pick the cue,
the cue picks you.
Like in Harry Potter.
I don't remember Harry Potter playing pool, but...
I was chosen by the Brunswick 165.
Ooh--
[cue clattering, Millie yelps]
I see the Athena
has made its choice.
Ah.
Now, normally after this you would name your cue--
Delores.
Um, you're naming your Athena
Delores?
I had a friend named Delores.
She was skinny as a stick,
and bigger at one end.
What's the first lesson?
All right, let's rock 'n' roll!
Nope, not so fast.
There's more to billiards
than simply knocking balls around a table.
Oh... yeah, beer.
No.
Cigars?
I'm talking about the history.
Seriously?
It was the early 15th century.
The Eastern Roman empire had fallen,
forcing the Western Europeans
to find a new trade route.
Oh, for crab's legs...
[♪]
[Knocks]
You wanted to see me?
Yes, it's about this inventory report.
Do we really use this many post-it notes?
They're very useful.
Yeah, I can see that.
Without them,
I never would have known someone was here.
I'll see if I can get people to write on their hands.
Hey, while I'm here,
do you have room for one more in your carpool?
My what?
I saw Anna and Stan in your car this morning.
Oh, I was just giving them a ride.
There's no carpool.
Oh, too bad.
There's some great incentives.
Really?
Positive press opportunities,
municipal tax breaks...
Tax breaks?
Guess what, everyone, we're carpooling.
Jimmy, you're with me.
Uh, but I ride my--
you're with me.
It's for the environment.
[♪]
Hey, Anna!
Hi, Millie.
You've got a little something on your nose.
Oh.
Oh!
Taylor was teaching me billiards,
and I hit a ball before I was supposed to,
so he chalked my nose.
Hmm, that's very mature.
So, what have you learned so far?
Not much.
Just that Mary, Queen of Scots
was buried in her billiard table cover,
but I don't see how that
will help me make Lewis cry keke a little girl.
When my father taught me,
he just took me to the pool hall,
handed me a cue and said, "start swinging."
That's what I need!
I need just get in there,
muck around, and get my hands dirty.
Getting my nose dirty hasn't helped at all.
Hmm...
Maybe I could teach you.
Sweet beets! Can we go now?
Well, there's a few things that I have to--
...Anna is with me,
Jimmy and Sheila...
Where is Anna?
[♪]
I know these guys look like
they'd just as soon cut you as talk to you.
Just don't pay any attention to them, and we'll be--
Millie!
So the flames go all around your waist?
Where does the fire start?
I'll show you.
Millie!
Get away from that guy!
We're here to play pool.
[Cell phone rings]
Ooh, dammit, it's Taylor.
Hey, Taylor.
I'm nowhere and doing nothing.
Okay.
I'm just calling to confirm our next lesson.
Also, I found this vest with billiard balls on it.
Are you interested?
Uh, no.
Hey!
What do you think you're doing?
Uh, I gotta go.
I'm about to be dead.
Me and my buddy had the table.
I'm sorry,
we're new at this,
so do we just play you for it,
or do we need to bet any money?
What the h-e-double hell are you doing?
Cool it.
Just watch and learn.
Three went in.
That was lucky.
[engine racing]
At first I was soft
on this whole carpooling idea,
but, you know, it's nice having this time
to get to know one another--
Squirrel!
[Tires squealing]
Holy smokes!
Are you crazy?
Mother of God...
Who wants coffee? I'm buying.
Ooh, there's a donut place not far from here.
Sounds good.
I'll find it on the GPS.
I have a few things
I have to get done at the office this morning?
Yeah, I have a press release to edit.
Will you two relax?
I think I can pull a few strings
with your big bad boss.
Could you maybe just watch the road?
Turn left now.
Oh, geez!
[Tires squealing, passengers scream]
[Car honking]
Caracoles enchilados
...I'm going to die for a donut?
I know, I'm dying for a donut, too.
[Engine racing]
[Chalk scratching]
It's a common mistake
for people to over-chalk their cues.
Oh... so that's what I should do to look bad.
Why would you want to do that?
To lure in the suckers, make more money.
Are you talking about hustling?
Where did you learn to talk like that?
From Ann--
an... employee...
At the carnival.
You don't hustle in billiards.
But I thought--
You make an honest gentlemanly wager.
You're not some barroom swindler
sullying the sport.
All right, grandpa, can we play?
Absolutely.
As soon as we learn to properly rack the balls.
I'll rack your balls, all right...
Sheila, tomorrow you get to pick the music.
My ears are still ringing from the Eagles' Greatest Hits.
I could drive tomorrow.
No, no, I've got to finish off my week.
It's going to be a long one.
[Cell phone rings]
Anna, are you coming?
Right behind you.
[♪]
Did you see their faces when I sank that bank shot?
They were like, "hey, what just happened?"
I didn't even get to play.
It's not my fault I sank everything I hit.
You probably learned lots just by watching me.
I know I learned something.
Taylor!
What are you doing in this part of town?
Are you on the crack?
I gave up my free time to help you
and this is the thanks I get?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Don't take it personally.
It's just that when you teach,
it's terrible
and dull,
horrible and awful.
Are we okay?
The history of chalk is not dull.
What about the felt-sweeping lesson, hmm?
Or the billiard bloopers DVDs?
You can only see someone take a pool ball to the nards
so many times.
If Millie came to me,
it's because she wants to play real pool,
not get a blister on her butt from watching stupid movies.
The only thing she's learning from you
is how to bilk innocent thugs
out of their hard-earned drug money, so--
Stop it!
The only reason I wanted to learn pool
was to have a little wholesome fun
demoralizing and humiliating another human being,
but so far,
Delores hasn't even touched one single ball,
so you can take your history
and your hustling
and stuffo!
School's out!
Who's Delores?
Hey, you guys know where Anna is?
I'm supposed to give her a ride home.
Um, she left earlier.
I thought your car was broken.
Turns out it just needed a new battery,
as I suspected.
That's none of Joyce's beeswax, P.S.
Anyhoo, see you later.
Wait!
Can we catch a ride with you?
Joyce has been on a conference call
for two hours.
Sure, I guess.
[Sighing in relief]
Wait,
shouldn't you tell her you're leaving?
We'll leave her a note.
[♪]
Stupid table-brushin' hustlers...
You need to put a little English on it.
What's English?
Hit the planet off its axis so it'll spin.
Ha! What do you know!
Jerk.
Sorry.
That took a little longer than I...
Hello?
Carpool buddies?
"We left."
Ah, this is more like it.
Yeah.
Hey, you want to get your knee
out of the back of my seat?
You're kind of--
What are we listening to?
Oh, those are pre-set, actually--
Oh, love this song!
[♪]
You guys want to stop for happy hour?
No stops.
[♪]
Whoa...
Bacon and eggs and waffles?
And a cookie?
Why the special breakfast?
Because you're a special guy.
And?
There's no "and."
Also, Sheila called.
She wants you to pick her and Jimmy up for work.
Why would I?
I don't even work there.
Plus it's Joyce's week.
You've seen the way Joyce drives.
She made Jimmy scream.
That was Jimmy?
I thought we hit an animal.
Just pick them up today, please?
Well, I guess I'm taking you anyway.
Actually, Taylor's picking me up.
We have to go talk to Millie.
Okay. Well, call Sheila, tell her I'll pick them up.
I already did.
These waffles had better be awesome.
Dammit, they are.
[♪]
So my mom says,
"this is the last time I'm taking you to Walmart,"
and it turned out... It was.
Where's Sheila?
Morning!
We were starting to worry about you.
We've been sitting out here for, what, an hour?
Three minutes.
Huh...
Felt like longer.
So Joyce is okay with me driving this morning?
We neglected to tell her.
You have to tell her.
Call her now.
I don't want to call her.
I like my job.
Jimmy, why don't you call her?
She scares me.
Just call her.
The cruller is for Jimmy,
and Sheila likes those jelly-filled things.
[Cell phone rings]
Hello?
Oh, hi, Jimmy.
Uh-huh...
Yeah.
Stan, huh?
All right, I guess I'll see you at work.
Here.
Have some donuts.
Ah!
The ball of fire hits the planet nine,
knocking it to the brink of oblivion.
Nice shot.
Thank you.
Taylor and I, we both think
that maybe we weren't the best teachers.
So we'd like to try again, if you'll have us.
Well, that's great,
except I have a new teacher now.
I thought after this
we could concentrate on rail shots...
You all know Lewis.
[♪]
Hello, Stan.
I just want to know why
you're trying to poach my carpool.
What? I'm not.
Really? Then why...
Why are my employees
working away at their desks right now
instead of waiting for me to pick them up?
Are you getting incentives?
I am not getting any...
There's incentives?
Look,
I-I don't want to be in the carpool.
I don't even work there.
Great.
Then we shouldn't have a problem.
We don't. Consider me out.
Okay.
Thank you.
But you know,
you might want to consider, uh...
Not driving like such a...
Such a what?
"Lunatic" is maybe too strong a word, but--
It's called offensive driving, Stan.
You need to take control of the road.
Okay, I'm just saying, you want your carpool back,
you might want to do a little more defensive driving
and a little less...
Rooting-through-your-purse-
while-rocketing-through- a-pedestrian-mall
driving.
I guess I did almost clip a crossing guard
on the way here.
Thanks.
Oh, you know, your office does have
a certain murder-mystery charm to it.
Yeah, it does have its gumshoe appeal.
In fact, when I first moved in,
I literally got gum on my shoe.
You can't take lessons from this guy.
He's your mortal enemy.
Was my mortal enemy,
and that makes him
the closest thing I have to a friend.
Don't touch me.
[Lewis]: Millie's made some great strides.
I'll bet with time
she'll give either of you a run for your money.
Oh, you bet, do you?
How much?
A hundred bucks.
Lewis and I versus you two.
What? No. I-I was just...
You were just what, backpedalling?
Nobody's backing out of anything.
Now, are you guys thirsty for some trouble?
Because here comes the flood.
Why don't we just cut the chatter
and let our cues do the talking.
[♪]
Hey, guys.
Waiting for your ride?
Um... yeah.
Stan's not coming.
You're welcome to ride with me,
unless you'd rather take the bus.
I'm good with the bus.
I love the bus.
Okay, look.
I know my driving makes you nervous,
but I'm going to be more cautious from now on,
so if you'll give me another chance,
I'd like you back in my carpool.
What do you say?
I love the bus.
I'm good with the bus.
Oh, just come with me, dammit.
[Sighing]
Taylor Rymes for the win, and...
It goes in.
I'd like to congratulate you both on a great game.
Great game?
They didn't even sink a single ball.
Oh, go smoke a salmon, Dirko.
Well, we can smoke all the salmon we want
with that hundred bucks you owe us.
That's not fair.
I wasn't ready,
and you were in my way the whole time.
Let's play again.
Maybe we should just call it a day.
Maybe I should just call you a dink, dink.
Lewis is right.
My arm is getting a little sore.
You'd probably win.
Anna, don't hustle them.
300 bucks!
I really don't think you're ready.
I agree with Lewis.
If we play, you will lose,
again.
I'm not saying we'd lose.
I'm just saying Millie needs some more practice--
500 bucks!
Deal!
I'll rack 'em.
Hey...
My arm's feeling a lot better.
Sheila, are you comfortable back there?
You'll notice that I didn't turn to look at you when I asked.
That would be dangerous.
[Cell phone rings]
Oh, that is probably
a very important business call...
But I'll let it go to voicemail,
because talking while driving
can be distracting.
And it's illegal.
Right!
So everyone is happy
with me driving in the carpool?
I guess so.
As long as it stays like this.
Oh, it'll be like this from now on.
No more eating or speeding or--
Yellow light!
[Tires squealing]
[Crash]
[Horn blaring]
Well, at least I didn't run
your precious yellow light.
Hey, it went in!
That was fortuitous.
And lucky!
[♪]
[Anna]: You're screwed.
[Taylor]: She's right.
You don't have a shot.
[Lewis]: Sure she does.
Just bank the asteroid
off of the far edge of the galaxy
and obliterate evil planet eight in the corner.
I'm gonna do what he said.
What did he say?
And the universe is saved!
You hustled us.
Yes, we did.
Well played, Millie.
It reminds me of Lord Haddington's triumph
over the Duke of Elsinore.
Oh, just like lord shut-up's victory
over prince pay-me.
I was being a good driver, and look where it got me.
I think what probably got you in the end
is karma.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I should get these two safely home.
[Engine turns over, struggles, stops]
Well, that's the fuel pump.
[Engine turns over, struggles]
And thanks for playing along.
I did it for the money.
This in no way means we're friends.
Friends?
I'd rather inhale jagged shards of glass
into my sinus.
[Pleasantly] I'd rather you did that, too.
Ah, then we're agreed.
Feel free to bite it.
[Millie]: One day,
Missy Grumpaloo was outside
enjoying a fun game of marbles.
Two Stinkaloos approached Missy
and challenged her to a game.
They said, "we can play marbles better than you
with our eyes closed!
And to prove their point,
they blindfolded themselves before the game.
Then, while their eyes were covered,
Missy took all their marbles and ran away.
Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com