JUST FOR THE RECORD,
YOU'RE NOT PUTTING THAT RIDICULOUS
AIR FRESHENER IN OUR CAR.
MM. SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE WISHES
THEY WERE HALF-NAKED AND SMELLED LIKE VANILLA.
OH, GREAT. THEY'RE DOING THE HUBCAPS.
NOW I GOTTA GIVE THE GUY AN EXTRA DOLLAR.
HEY, WHO DO YOU THINK'S DRIVING THE, UH-
THE SILVER TOYOTA?
WHAT?
YOU KNOW, THE ONE WITH THE LICENSE PLATE
THAT SAYS "SEXY 4 U". UM...
I DON'T KNOW, I'M GONNA GO
WITH THE STREETWALKER OVER THERE.
COULD BE. COULD BE.
I'M GONNA SAY SOMETHING A LITTLE UNORTHODOX.
AND GO WITH THE CHINESE COUPLE RIGHT THERE.
WHAT? YOU'RE CRAZY.
WANNA MAKE IT INTERESTING?
ALL RIGHT. 10 BUCKS.
OK. WHAT KINDA ODDS YOU GONNA GIVE ME?
ODDS?
I'M TAKING THE CHINESE COUPLE.
2- TO-1.
YOU'RE ON.
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
DAMN IT!
I WAS GONNA SAY MR. SPACELY.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
WE'RE UP.
YO. IS THE TRI-TIP DONE YET?
HEY, MAN. WHOA, WHOA!
YOU DON'T OPEN A SMOKER
WHILE IT'S STILL SMOKING.
WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KINDA ANIMAL?
YOU PUT IT IN, LIKE, WEDNESDAY.
YOU SURE IT'S EVEN WORKING?
UH, I THINK I KNOW
IF MY SMOKER'S WORKING OR NOT, OK?
YEAH, GUY, IT'S ACTUALLY COLD.
OK, YOU KNOW WHAT? I HOPE YOU LIKE COLE SLAW,
BUT IT'S COMING ALONG. IT'S COMING ALONG.
WHAT ARE YOU DRAWING THERE, SWEETIE?
UNCLE DOUG EATING A CARROT.
A CARROT. HMM.
YOU HAVE SUCH A GOOD IMAGINATION.
COME ON, MAN. YOU'RE HITTING THOSE APPLETINIS
A LITTLE HARD.
THIS IS A VIRGIN APPLETINI.
THIS IS BASICALLY A JUICE BOX IN A GLASS.
WHAT'S WITH THE HOBBIT?
AH, HE LOST HIS JOB A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO.
AW, DON'T FEEL TOO BAD, SON.
YOU KNOW HOW MANY JOBS I LOST IN MY LIFE?
76.
BUT WORKING IN THE SUBWAY IS ALL I'VE EVER KNOWN.
NOW I FEEL LIKE... I DON'T KNOW,
I- I HAVE NO PURPOSE IN LIFE.
HARD TO ARGUE WITH THAT.
IS THE FOOD ALMOST READY? EVERYBODY'S STARVING.
YEAH. IT'S COMING, OK?
YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A PERFECTLY GOOD BARBECUE RIGHT THERE.
OK, YOU WANNA CHECK THE ATTITUDE?
'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS,
BUT SMOKED MEAT IS A PRIVILEGE.
IT'S NOT A RIGHT, OK?
YOU WANNA LOSE THAT PRIVILEGE? HUH?
HEY, ANYBODY ELSE HERE GOT A PROBLEM WITH MY SMOKER?
SERIOUSLY... OK?
'CAUSE I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT.
GOOD TO SEE EVERYBODY, THOUGH.
HEY, HONEY.
HEY, BABY.
UH, WHERE'S KIRBY?
WHAT? YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PICK HIM UP AT THE REC CENTER.
NO, DIDN'T YOU GET MY MESSAGE? I SAID YOU HAD TO GET HIM
'CAUSE I WAS BRINGING THE ICE CREAM,
I DIDN'T WANT IT TO MELT.
I DIDN'T CHECK MY VOICEMAIL.
THEN WHY DO YOU HAVE IT IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO CHECK IT?
YOU KNOW, KELLY, EVER SINCE YOU STARTED WORKING-
OH, DON'T YOU EVEN START WITH ME-
GUYS, GUYS, GUYS...
I'LL GO PICK UP KIRBY, OK?
OH, SPENCE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
NO, SERIOUSLY. I'D BE HAPPY TO.
GIVE ME A REASON NOT TO PUT A BULLET IN MY HEAD.
THANKS, MAN. COME ON.
I MADE THIS FOR YOU, ARTHUR.
OH, WHAT A THOUGHTFUL YOUNG MAN.
WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE?
SOME KIND OF MONSTER?
NO, IT'S YOU.
DON'T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB, PICASSO!
AW, THERE'S MY HANDSOME SON-IN-LAW.
I'M NOT LENDING YOU ANY MONEY, ARTHUR.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I'M NOT ASKING FOR A LOAN.
THIS WOULD BE AN OUTRIGHT GIFT.
WHA-WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I WANT BRACES.
YOU MEAN... FOR YOUR LEGS?
NO, MY TEETH.
MAJOR'S PICTURE OF ME WAS A WAKE-UP CALL.
ARTHUR, THIS LOOKS NOTHING LIKE YOU.
EXCEPT FOR MAYBE THE MONKEY HANDS.
OH, PLEASE. ALL MY LIFE
I'VE BEEN ASHAMED OF MY TEETH.
IT'S WHAT'S HELD ME BACK.
YEAH, IT WAS THE TEETH,
NOT THE VIOLENT OUTBURSTS. YEAH.
MY ORTHODONTIST SAID I WOULD ONLY HAVE TO WEAR THE BRACES
2 TO 3 YEARS, AND THEN I'LL BE A NEW MAN.
I'D FINALLY BE ABLE TO APPROACH A WOMAN
WITHOUT COQUETTISHLY WAVING A FAN OVER MY MOUTH.
ARTHUR, YOUR TEETH ARE FINE.
DOUGLAS, YOUR DEEP AFFECTION FOR ME
HAS BLINDED YOU TO THE TRUTH.
LOOK AT THESE "BEFORE" PICTURES.
THIS IS AN EXTREME CLOSE-UP OF MY UPPER MOUTH.
OH, GOD, PUT THAT AWAY!
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?
FOR ONLY $3,200,
I'LL BE ABLE TO GET A MILLION DOLLAR SMILE.
$3,200, THAT'S ALL?
YOU KNOW WHAT, UH, LET ME JUST PERUSE THE BROCHURE,
YOU KNOW, I'LL CRUNCH SOME NUMBERS TOGETHER,
AND I'LL, UH - I'LL GET BACK TO YOU ASAP, ALL RIGHT?
THANK YOU, DOUGLAS.
SLAP IT HIGH! YO!
HEY, BABY.
HI, HONEY.
WOW. WHAT SMELLS SO GOOD?
DO NOT TOUCH THIS DISH,
IT IS EXTREMELY HOT.
OH, HEY, DEAC. WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING?
UM... A BEER?
COMING RIGHT UP.
WHY-WHY IS MY FRIEND HERE WEARING AN APRON?
WE AGREED WE NEEDED SOME HELP,
SO I HIRED SPENCE.
SO, SPENCE IS NOW OUR-OUR MAID?
NO, NO. HE'S MORE OF A HOUSEBOY.
HE'S A GOOD COOK,
HE'S GREAT WITH THE KIDS,
AND HE WAS SO DESPERATE, I GOT HIM
FOR PRACTICALLY NOTHING.
HERE YOU GO, BIG GUY.
UH, THANKS, MAN.
FROSTED GLASS.
NICE TOUCH.
I KNOW THAT'S HOW YOU LIKED IT.
I...
GOT MYSELF A HOUSEBOY.
HA HA HA!
AHH...
IF ONLY MY GRANDPA WERE ALIVE TO SEE THIS.
SIT... SIT.
SIT. SIT-SIT. SIT.
SIT. SIT.
OK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JUST TRAINING MY VIRTUAL DOG.
SIT. SIT-HEY, DON'T YOU GROWL AT ME.
HONEY, I GOTTA TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND, OK?
ONE SECOND, LET ME JUST HIT HIM WITH A VIRTUAL NEWSPAPER HERE.
COME ON! BAD- OOH, KILLED HIM.
OK, WHAT'S UP?
UH, YOU KNOW MY DAD TALKED TO ME ABOUT THE BRACES.
BRACES. I GOTTA SAY, ONE THING ABOUT YOUR FATHER
IS HE'S NEVER BORING.
ACTUALLY, HE'S ALWAYS BORING, BUT THAT WAS FUNNY!
ACTUALLY, I-I KINDA TOLD HIM
THAT HE CAN GET 'EM.
WHAT? CAR-ARE YOU CRAZY?
WHAT, DOUG? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY?
HE REALLY WANTED THEM.
HE WANTS A LOT OF THINGS!
HE WANTS A HELICOPTER, HE WANTS ME TO BANKROLL HIS MUFFIN SHOP.
COME ON, NOW. YOU CAN SAY NO YOU KNOW.
THAT'S HOW YOU KEEP FROM SPOILING HIM.
JEEZ. LOOK, DOUG,
I KNOW IT'S EXPENSIVE,
OK, BUT I THINK IT'LL REALLY HELP
HIS SELF-ESTEEM DOWN THE ROAD.
DOWN THE ROAD?
CAR, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS,
BUT HIS EXIT'S COMING UP PRETTY QUICK.
OK, IF I WAS HIM, I'D GET INTO THE RIGHT LANE ABOUT NOW.
OK, YOU'RE RIGHT. IT IS RIDICULOUS,
BUT HE'S MY FATHER. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL HIM
IT'S TOO LATE TO GET BRACES?
EASY, YOU JUST SAY, "LOOK, WE'RE NOT GETTING YOU BRACES
"FOR THE SAME REASON WE DON'T GET YOU
"THE BIG BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO AT COSTCO.
BECAUSE TIME'S NOT EXACTLY ON YOUR SIDE."
THERE'S THE GUY.
DAD, HE DIDN'T MEAN-
NO, NO. HE'S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
FOR A SECOND THERE I THOUGHT I HAD A FUTURE.
THANK YOU, DOUGLAS, FOR SETTING STRAIGHT
A FOOLISH OLD MAN.
NO PROBLEM.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK, HUH?
HELLO? YEAH-
DANNY, I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME HERE
WHEN I'M WORKING.
YEAH, WELL-
I'M NOT JUMPING DOWN YOUR THROAT,
I'M JUST ASKING FOR A LITTLE CONSIDERATION.
ALL RIGHT-NO. YOU KNOW? WE-
WE WILL TALK - WE WILL TALK ABOUT THIS LATER.
ALL RIGHT? GOOD-BYE!
WAS THAT YOUR WIFE?
NO, JUST...
THE MOST EXASPERATING MAN IN THE WORLD.
OH.
DON'T YOU GUYS WORRY, OK?
I'M-I'M GONNA BE HERE FOR A LONG TIME.
CAN I INTEREST YOU IN SOME OF MY...
HUEVOS RANCHEROS?
I'M GOOD.
STOP STARING AT HIS MOUTH.
I CAN'T, CARRIE. IT LOOKS LIKE HE ATE A BIRD.
BY THE BY, DOUGLAS,
COULD YOU FLOAT ME $50?
I'LL GIVE YOU 20 TO FACE THE OTHER DIRECTION.
WHAT DO YOU NEED THE MONEY FOR, DAD?
FOR THIS APPLICATION.
IN THE SPIRIT OF THE NEW AND IMPROVED ME,
I'VE DECIDED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL.
REALLY?
THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS?
OK, THAT'S NICE, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE
YOU COULD TAKE CLASSES AT QUEENSBOROUGH COMMUNITY COLLEGE FOR FREE.
WAS QUEENSBOROUGH NAMED
THE NUMBER ONE PARTY SCHOOL IN AMERICA?
I DON'T THINK SO.
ARTHUR, YOU JUST GOT BRACES.
I'M NOT PAYING FOR YOU TO GO AWAY TO COLLEGE, OK?
REALLY?
IS IT BECAUSE I'M TOO OLD TO FINISH
A BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO?
WHY DON'T YOU TRY STARTING A BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO?
CORN MEAL WORKS BETTER
AT HALF THE PRICE! ALL RIGHT.
DAD, LET ME LOOK THIS OVER, OK?
I'LL GET BACK TO YOU.
GREAT. FYI, SAN DIEGO STATE
IS MY SAFETY SCHOOL.
HA HA HA!
HEY, CHECK THIS OUT, MAN.
SPENCE MADE ME A PANINI SANDWICH, AND LOOK.
HE TOASTED MY INITIALS INTO THE BREAD.
THAT'S GREAT. I'M GLAD THINGS ARE WORKING OUT WELL FOR YOU.
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
THAT I'M OUT ALMOST 4 GRAND AND THIS WEEKEND
I'VE GOT TO TAKE AN 80-YEAR-OLD MAN
ON A TOUR OF RUTGERS.
YOU KNOW WHAT,
MY HOUSEBOY SURE KNOWS HIS WAY AROUND A SANDWICH.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS ALL YOUR KID'S FAULT
FOR DRAWING THAT STUPID PICTURE OF ARTHUR.
WHY CAN'T HE JUST EAT HIS CRAYONS LIKE I USED TO?
WELL, SORRY IT DIDN'T WORK OUT FOR YOU LIKE IT DID FOR ME.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WELL, A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO HE MADE A PICTURE OF KELLY.
TO DRAW HER BUTT, HE TRACED A PAINT CAN.
SHE TOOK ONE LOOK AT THAT
AND STARTED HITTIN' THE TREADMILL IN A BIG WAY.
REALLY?
GOD IS GOOD, BRO.
YOU THINK MAJOR WOULD DRAW A PICTURE OF CARRIE?
WHAT FOR? SHE DOESN'T NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT.
OH, I KNOW, BUT THERE ARE OTHER IMPROVEMENTS
THAT, YOU KNOW... HMM?
EVEN SMALLER. YOU GOTTA MAKE THEM SMALLER.
BUT THAT'S HOW SHE LOOKS.
OK, YOU KNOW WHAT, GIVE ME THIS. HERE.
OK? THERE YOU GO.
NOW, SIGN THE BOTTOM. SIGN IT. JUST SIGN IT.
I'M TRYING TO HAVE A ROMANTIC DINNER FOR DEACON AND KELLY.
HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN BED A HALF HOUR AGO.
COOL YOUR JETS, HAZEL.
OK.
HA HA!
WHY DOES CARRIE HAVE THE BODY OF A BOY?
I COULD ASK YOU THE SAME THING.
THAT SMELLS GOOD. COULD YOU GET ME A LITTLE OF THAT TO GO?
UH, NOT UNTIL YOU START PAYING ME 5.50 AN HOUR.
SO, UH, HOW WAS THE BRUSCHETTA?
OH, IT'S GREAT. YUMMY.
NOT TOO OILY?
WELL, MAYBE A LITTLE.
STUPID!
THAT'S THE SHRIMP FRA DIABLO.
I WILL NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE AGAIN.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO MAKE HIM FEEL BAD.
DID YOU NOT HEAR ME RAVE ABOUT THE STUFFED MUSHROOMS?
COME ON.
HEY, DANNY, WE'RE KINDA IN THE MIDDLE OF DINNER.
YEAH, THIS WON'T TAKE LONG.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
YOU BLOCK MY CALLS,
MY TEXT MESSAGES BOUNCE BACK TO ME.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
WELL, YOU DON'T COME TO WHERE I WORK.
THE PALMERS ARE TRYING TO HAVE THEIR DINNER.
WELL, YOU KNOW HOW I GET WHEN MY ASTHMA ACTS UP.
OH, I GUESS THAT'S MY FAULT.
IT IS WHEN YOU BORROW MY VACUUM CLEANER
WITH THE HEPA FILTER.
UH, SPENCE IF YOU'D LIKE
TO TAKE YOUR 15 MINUTE DINNER BREAK RIGHT NOW-
NO, NO. I WILL TAKE MY DINNER BREAK
WHEN THE DISHES ARE DONE AND I'VE RUN YOUR BATH.
WHAT ABOUT MY BATH, HUH?
OH. OH, I SEE WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.
THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME WORKING.
THIS IS ABOUT ME NOT WAITING ON YOU HAND AND FOOT.
NO, IT'S ABOUT YOU NOT DOING YOUR PART AT HOME.
YOU HAVEN'T COOKED ME A HOT MEAL IN OVER 2 WEEKS!
OH, I-I-
OK, FINE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? HERE.
HERE'S SOME SHRIMP, SOME GARLIC BREAD,
AGED PEPPERINO.
SIT. SIT DOWN.
ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT, WE'RE GONNA GO TO BED.
WE GOT TO GET UP EARLY, SO-
REALLY TIRED. FINE.
OH. ALL RIGHT.
WORK MY FINGERS TO THE BONE.
HMM.
WHAT?
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?
DELICIOUS.
IT'S NOT TOO OILY?
A LITTLE.
BUT YOU KNOW THAT'S HOW I LIKE IT.
HEY, BABE. HEY.
HOW'S IT GOING?
YOU KNOW WHAT SOME GUY SAID ON THE PHONE TO ME TODAY?
"WHAT COUNTRY ARE YOU FROM?"
DO I NOT SOUND AMERICAN?
THAT'S CRAZY. THAT'S CRAZY.
COULD YOU GET ME SOMETHING OUT OF THE FRIDGE?
WHAT DO YOU NEED, HONEY?
A... RELISH.
WHAT FOR?
I JUST FORGOT WHAT IT SMELLS LIKE.
I CAN'T REMEMBER.
NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME, YOU KNOW.
WHAT'S THAT?
OH, YEAH.
MAJOR FELT BAD THAT, UH, HE DIDN'T DRAW YOU AT THE BARBECUE,
SO... THERE YOU ARE.
WELL, ENJOY YOUR TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE.
THANK YOU.
SO I SAY TO THE GUY, "IF I DON'T SOUND AMERICAN"-
MAN, HE'S GOT SOME SKILLS, TOO, DOESN'T HE?
LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE YOU.
EXACTLY LIKE ME? I LOOK LIKE A LITTLE BOY.
OH, MY GOD. I JUST...
TOTALLY PUT MY FOOT IN MY MOUTH.
I'M SORRY.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
'CAUSE I JUST SAID IT LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE YOU,
AND YOU SAID IT LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE BOY.
WHICH MEANS YOU LOOK LIKE A LITTLE BOY.
WHATEVER. I'M GONNA GO TAKE A SHOWER.
CARRIE, I'M SO SORRY ABOUT ALL THIS.
ABOUT WHAT?
THE PICTURE THAT MAJOR DREW OF YOU.
I SEE HOW UPSET YOU ARE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE HE JUST DOESN'T CARE WHO HE HURTS, THIS LITTLE GUY.
I'M FINE WITH IT.
HMM. NO, YOU'RE NOT.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU ARE.
YOU'RE BRAVE.
HMM.
WHAT-WHAT'S THAT?
I MEAN, ALL OF A SUDDEN I'M, LIKE, SELF-CONSCIOUS.
STUPID, RIGHT?
NO, NOT AT ALL.
I MEAN, YOUR DAD SAW SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIS PICTURE
AND HE DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
HATS OFF TO HIM.
THERE IS SOMETHING THAT...
FORGET IT. FORGET IT.
OH, OK, YEAH.
I'LL JUST FORGET ABOUT IT
AND JUST LET MY GIRL SUFFER IN SILENCE.
COME HERE, BABY. TALK TO ME.
OK, WELL...
THERE IS SOMETHING THAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO CHANGE ABOUT MY BODY.
OH, MY GOD, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT?
LOOK, YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU
AND THINK YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL JUST THE WAY YOU ARE,
BUT IF YOU FEEL YOU WANT SOMETHING CHANGED
OR... AUGMENTED,
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I'M THERE FOR YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M GONNA DO IT.
I'M GONNA GET CALF IMPLANTS!
NOW, IS CALF A BRAND NAME OR...
NO, NO. I MEAN, I LOOKED INTO IT ONCE
AND THEY'RE PRETTY PRICEY,
BUT I COULD FINALLY HAVE THE SHAPE
THAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED.
YOU KNOW, MY LEGS WILL REALLY POP ON THE SUBWAY.
HONEY, THANK YOU!
OH! YEAH!
OK.
OOH, I'M GONNA GOOGLE A DOCTOR RIGHT NOW.
OH, YOU GOTTA DO IT RIGHT AWAY.
GET ON IT.
OK!
ARTHUR, WHAT ARE YOU EATING?
SALT WATER TAFFY.
BUT THE DENTIST SAID YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT ANYTHING STICKY.
I DON'T CARE.
BUT IT'LL WRECK YOUR BRACES.
GOOD. I HATE THEM!
WHAT?
THEY TEASED ME AT THE SENIOR CENTER TODAY.
METAL MOUTH, BRACE FACE.
THEY WERE AS CRUEL AS THEY WERE CLEVER.
WELL, THESE BRACES ARE COMING OFF RIGHT NOW.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
HEY, I SPENT $3,800 ON YOUR BRACES,
AND I'M ABOUT TO SPEND A COUPLE GRAND MORE
ON A PART OF CARRIE'S BODY THAT I DON'T EVEN LOOK AT!
YOU PUT THEM DOWN!
MY BODY, MY CHOICE.
AAH! ARTHUR!
YEAH, SO CAN YOU GIVE ME, LIKE, KELLY RIPA'S CALVES?
GIVE 'EM TO ME! NO!
OW! YOU BIT ME!
I HOPE YOU HAVE A TETANUS SHOT.
NO, NO, EVERYTHING'S FINE.
THAT'S-THAT'S JUST THE TV.
AHEM. SO HOW'S WEDNESDAY?
HEY, HEY. HEY, HEY.