("Rock And Roll, Part 2" by Gary Glitter playing)
♪ Hey! ♪
(Passionate moaning, panting)
♪ Hey! ♪
(both sigh)
(Both laugh)
(Music stops)
(Sighs)
Can we change the music next time?
No way, I love this music.
Makes me feel like I'm winning.
(Laughs)
Hey, so how was your date tonight?
What was his name... Rich?
Yeah. Um... it was okay.
You get this one, I'll get the next.
(Chuckles)
Wait, his name is Rich
and he made you pay for the check? Fail.
Mm... you know what, I-I, I like Rich.
He's-he's smart, he's handsome.
And he has the balls to say he's looking for something serious.
Nerd! Next.
You don't understand.
All right, I barely
dated through med school.
Now I'm 28, and I don't have time
to pick apart a thousand different people like you do.
Whoa! I do not pick people apart.
Why'd you break up
with the last three girls you dated?
Um... you know, weird hips, uh, big forehead,
and the girl who kept yelling "random!"
When things were not random.
Yeah.
The point is, I'm looking for
someone to start my life with, you know?
Like, a grown-up.
Someone I can have kids with and...
What the hell are you doing?
I don't know. What is going on?
How fat am I?
Those are my jeans.
Oh.
And the fact that you got them up that far is terrifying.
Give them to me.
Geez.
Hey, Sara,
what are you doing next weekend?
You want to go with me to my sister's wedding?
Ooh, you know what, I totally would,
but that's the day I don't want to.
Oh, come on.
I already RSVP'd plus one.
You know, I cannot show up alone.
My family already thinks I'm a loser,
my sister's gonna kill me. Please.
You remember when you wouldn't help me move
'cause that was a boyfriend's job?
(Sighs)
You know what, fine.
I'll find somebody else. You know. I got a date
tomorrow night that I'm very excited about.
She kind of has an irritating phone voice,
but I'm keeping an open mind.
I'm going home.
Or we could go
to Kingston Mines and listen to some blues.
No, no, I'm beat.
Plus, I have to work tomorrow.
Sounds like somebody needs to put their rally cap on.
("Rock And Roll, Part 2" by Gary Glitter resumes playing)
♪ Hey! ♪
♪ let's go out and party ♪
♪ hey! ♪
♪ I'm singing by myself! ♪
(grunts, groans)
Friends With Benefits S01E01 Pilot Original Air Date: August 5, 2011
==sync, correction by dcdah== for www.addic7ed.com
Bill Murray: He's coming out of nowhere.
He's got about...
350 yards left.
He's gonna hit about a five-iron it looks like, don't you think?
He's got a beautiful backswing.
That's... oh, he got all of that one!
(Laughter)
Hey, are you, you okay?
Mm-hmm.
(Monotone): This is fun.
I'm having fun.
Okay, good.
(Audience laughing)
It's in the hole!
Aaron: She didn't think that
caddyshack was funny?
I should've known. I mean, the only girls
who appreciate Bill Murray look like Bill Murray.
So, um, how was the sex?
Oh, I-I didn't like her.
So it was, like, dirty and angry?
No, I didn't have sex with her. Wait a minute,
who in the world rejects a girl
because she doesn't like a movie?
Sense of humor, Fitz, it's important. Really, Ben?
Well, can you have sex with a sense of humor?
Can you play naked leapfrog with a sense of humor
while her roommate's filming?
I rest my case.
Hey, guys.
Hey!
This guy I'm seeing.
He's a congressman.
Oh.
Pollination fetish.
Very big in Holland.
Ben: Hey, Riley, say you had the opportunity
to go out with a guy, but he didn't like...
Okay, what's something you really like?
Um... oh.
Any 19th century British fiction.
Okay.
So say you didn't like...
You know what, pretend you just said "magazines"
and the guy didn't like magazines.
Would you still sleep with him?
Ben, I just came in wearing a bee suit.
What do you think?
Good point.
Ben, don't worry.
You have not found your Katie yet.
You've been seeing this girl
for what, three months?
I prefer to say
13 weeks.
Oh, so will it sound more like a baby? (Laughs)
Okay, what can I say, you guys?
I have never felt this way before.
(Girls laughing)
I've never felt this way before.
Whoa.
Under my leadership, there will be
less math and more recess.
I've never felt this way before.
Well, Katie is different.
Okay, the other night, we made love,
and it was
so intense that we just lay there
in silence for, like, an hour afterwards.
Ben: No way.
Nobody farted or got up to pee or anything like that?
I just delivered a baby to a woman
with rhinestones glued all over her lady parts.
She was vajazzled?
Yeah. The kid came out looking like a disco ball.
(Laughter)
Did you find a wedding date yet?
Nope. Rich call?
No.
Great.
So what are we talking about?
Oh, we are talking about
Aaron and Katie
and how they're so in love, nobody pees.
Aaron: Okay, you guys think
I'm playing around;
just think I'm joking? Check this out.
Riley: Oh, my God,
you bought her a house.
No.
I am asking her to move in with me.
- Oh! - Really?
- Wow. Fitz: - Where am I gonna sleep?
Ben: Aaron, what are you doing?
You've known her for three months. Come on.
Okay, I love Katie, Katie loves me.
What else is there?
Everything.
Come on, your happiness, your freedom.
You know who I like most right now?
Aaron.
He is Manning up.
This, ladies and gentlemen,
is what a grown-up looks like.
Let's drink to Aaron.
Okay.
- Cheers. Ben: - Congrats, buddy.
Yeah.
Whoa. What the hell is that?
I think it's a peanut butter-tini.
Ugh, why would you make me that?
I didn't, it was just sitting on the bar.
(Laughter)
Oh, nasty! (Groans)
(Cell phone buzzing)
(Phone chimes)
Ha! Yes.
(Giggles)
(Sighs)
(Cell phone buzzing)
(Chiming)
Hmm.
(Sighs)
(Cell phone rings)
Why didn't he call me?
Look, you went out with him once, right?
If he calls, he'll seem too eager.
Give him a break.
Then why not send an e-mail?
Because an e-mail, no matter what it says,
means he just wants to be friends.
Wait! I thought an e-mail meant
- he just wanted to have sex. - No, that's an im.
What's a BBM?
BBM means he's gay.
(Groans) God.
Well, that explains my yoga instructor.
Okay, that left foot, that's your wall.
That can't move.
And keep your hips square
when you follow through.
You seriously hired a swing coach
to try to beat me at video golf?
All right, man,
I spent $5,000
on this whole setup.
If you think I'm gonna let you beat me
every single time, you got another think coming.
Dave, I love you, buddy. We're done. Tomorrow?
Want to do a round?
Let's do it.
(Sighs) All right, so I got to take
somebody to my sister's wedding to avoid the inevitable
"where's Ben's life going" discussion.
You know, which was the theme of last Thanksgiving.
Video game: You're in the trap.
Liar!
Ask Sara.
I already asked her; she said no.
Besides, you know,
even if she went, it would be... kind of weird.
Why would that be weird?
(Clears throat)
(Crowd oohing over tv)
(Man on TV) Hole in one. (Cheering)
Hey, hole in one.
(Laughs) This is a stupid game.
You're a stupid guy.
Why is it weird?
Oh, um, so I've been meaning to tell you
something about me and Sara.
Something about you and Sara?
What is something...?
Oh, my God.
Ben, are you in love with Sara?
Uh, no.
I'm just sleeping with her.
Oh, my God!
Are you... whoa! Is she in love with you?
No, nobody's in love with anybody, okay?
It's-it's, uh... okay, we kind of hooked up a couple weeks ago
and sort of kept hooking up.
Oh, my God!
Dude, do you love it?
I'm so sorry I didn't tell you.
It's, like, you're my best friend, but I'm
trying to be a gentleman about the whole thing
- and I'm not a gentleman. - Oh, yeah.
- So it's hard to... - No, no, Ben, no.
I get it.
(Laughs)
You guys are very physically intimate.
And then you go
and have a beer at a bar like nothing ever happened
and you didn't just share
the most beautiful thing
two people can ever share together.
I d... I don't get this. What?
You sold a nanotech start-up to Google for $12 million,
but you can't understand the mechanics of a hookup.
I'm not really good at IRL stuff.
- At what? - In real life.
- Okay. - Noob.
- What? - Newbie.
You don't even get how badly
I am burning you right now.
Geez! You know what, I'm gonna
call my sister and tell her I don't have a date.
Big deal. I don't care
if my family thinks I'm a loser.
(Phone ringing)
Hello.
Hey, Molls.
Ben: Uh, listen, about the wedding,
I know, I-I, um, I RSVP'd...
Hmm, let me guess.
You don't have a date.
Well, you know, there's a chance that I-I probably...
Wait, what?
Ben, I wasn't counting on you bringing anyone anyway.
Why not?
you've never had a serious Girlfriend, and, Ben,
we're tired of airbrushing your dates out of our family photos.
You airbrushed girls out of our family...
Ben, I love you,
but let's be honest here, you're a disaster.
That is not...
You know what, it just so happens, I do have a date.
Yeah, that's right.
And it's my girlfriend.
Why don't I believe you?
Well, you should.
This isn't, you know, just a girlfriend.
It, uh, it happens to be my soul mate,
and I'm-I'm very excited about that.
Ben!
That is amazing!
Yay.
Oh, my God.
Mom, pick up the phone!
- It's Ben! - Mom's there?
- No... - Hello!
Ben said he found his soul mate.
(Shrieks): Oh!
This is wonderful, Ben!
We all thought you were gonna die alone!
We did!
Why would you think that?
Mom: Let me get gammy.
Gammy?
Ben? I always thought you were gay.
How about the ballerina?
No, not enough going on upstairs,
if you know what I mean.
Wasn't smart enough?
No, just, um, just, like, downstairs from that,
like, a half a flight down, just... you know.
You mean her breasts.
This is what I'm talking about.
You can't be this choosy.
Y-you know what, I would rather be
choosy than desperate, I would.
Desperate?
No, that-that came out wrong.
Oh, I'm not desperate.
- Y-you think I'm desperate? - No.
Because I'm not desperate.
Oh, God, that sounded desperate.
- No, Sara, of course... - Am I desperate?
No, of course not.
Hey, my family thinks I'm bringing
my soul mate to this wedding.
You want to know who's desperate? This guy. Yeah.
What about the girl from the cupcake place?
Cupcake girl.
Yeah, yeah, uh, Dakota.
Hmm, besides the name Dakota... What's wrong with Dakota?
No, I know, I know it was something.
- It was, um, it was... - See?
There.
That's your girl.
No, it was definitely, it was...
Ben!
Okay. All right.
I'll call Dakota. Geez.
Yeah.
I got to go.
Hey, Sara, um,
you know, before, when I said "desperate"...
I'm over it.
You know, what I meant was, uh,
that you, you know, you deserve more...
Yeah. Thank you.
Hey, Katie, it's me.
I'm just calling, checking in,
making sure we're still on for tonight.
I got kind of a big night planned
for our three month anniversary.
I don't want to tip it, but if you own chaps,
tonight might be the night to break 'em out.
(Laughing)
I got a horse.
That's not a weird sex thing.
It's Aaron.
Thank you.
("I Want You To Want Me" playing)
♪ I want you to want me ♪
♪ I need you to need me ♪
♪ I'd love you to love me ♪
♪ I'm begging you to beg me ♪
♪ I'm shining up the old brown shoes ♪
♪ put on a brand-new shirt ♪
♪ I'll get home early from work ♪
♪ if you say that you love me. ♪
football is my favorite,
but I also like baseball and march madness.
Ben: Dakota's amazing.
Why'd I let her go?
I must be missing something.
Gave them up after Jordan retired.
Ben: What is it, cankles?
It's not cankles.
Those legs are tremendous.
And those lips... look at her.
She's interesting, smart, a sports fan.
I can't find anything wrong with you.
Um...
Thanks.
Drink this.
She has got to have a penis.
Hey, what's up, man?
Yeah.
Sara: Vip treatment. Nice.
A girl could get used to this.
So, you ever been here before?
First time. I think you're really going to like it.
I do like to try new things. He is handsome.
And we can buy a nice house
with our combined credit scores.
Excuse me. Two glasses of "char-donyay," please.
He's not pronouncing it.
Char-donyay. Thanks.
Oh, he is. That's unfortunate.
But is it a deal breaker?
No, it's not.
Isn't this romantic?
Absolutely.
(Chuckles)
I mean, I guess it's romantic.
Those two seem to like it.
So do those three.
- Would you like me to take off your shoes? - Not really.
What is that about?!
Oh, this place has the best steak sandwiches.
I'm in a swingers' club, aren't I?
Aw, nuts.
Hey, Katie.
Happy three month anniversary.
I would like to introduce you to your new horse... Mrs...
Katie's horse.
Aaron, I am so sorry that I didn't call you back,
but things have been kind of crazy lately.
So how about I call you later.
And I'm not allowed
to have animals in the building.
Katie, um, I get it.
You're scared.
And you don't know if I'm one of those guys who's serious
about relationships.
So I'm going to make a gesture right now
that I think is going to clear things right up.
Katie, it would make me
the happiest man in the world if...
Man: Katie, come back to bed.
Aaron: You told me that
- was your brother. - I'm ready to go again.
I finished my sandwich.
Oh, hey.
How's it going?
Dirty Mike.
Did you say "Dirty Mike"?
Cool horse.
Is that the key to it?
Uh, no.
Actually, the truth is, Dirty Mike,
that I'm dating Katie here,
who, apparently, I guess, you're about to bang
now that you've finished your sandwich.
Uh, Katie, what's going on?
Aaron, I'm sorry.
I meant to call you, but I just didn't know what to say.
I mean... you're perfect.
You're the kind of guy that I should be with.
No offense.
But the problem is,
is that you're just too good to me.
I break a date, you're happy to reschedule.
I don't call you back,
you show up at my apartment with a horse.
Look, dude,
sometimes when your woman's being a bitch,
you just gotta call her a bitch.
(Slaps rear) (Horse snorting)
Well, bravo, Dirty Mike. Yeah, bravo. Ho-ho!
'Cause I've been walking around
like an idiot, you know, trying to learn
the ins and outs of romance.
You know, how to cook,
how to listen, you know, unraveling the mysteries
of the female orgasm,
when I guess that all I had to do
was be a big tattooed, steroid, douchebag
who calls girls bitches.
Hey! Who calls women bitches.
Oh, this is a low moment.
Katie, I'm going to go get started.
You join me when you're done here.
Very nice to meet you, Aaron. (Happy sigh)
(Horse neighs)
All right.
Drink this.
Then this.
Then sip this.
Better?
(Raspy): Yeah, I can't breathe.
Okay. Aaron, I never
said anything because I knew you really liked her,
but I hated Katie. She had weird skin,
and I heard she banged the drummer from the spin doctors,
and I think that's lame.
Yeah, another reason to hate the spin doctors.
Aaron, you're ahead of the game.
Okay, so maybe you messed up.
Maybe you picked out the wrong girl,
but you're a hell of a lot further down the road than I am.
Do you want to know what I did tonight?
(Imitating bee buzzing)
(Yells)
Hey, it was an experience.
I'd much rather do something and regret it,
than regret something I haven't done.
Yes! See, oh, I wish...
That I could be more like you and Ben and Fitz.
And I wish that I didn't care so much about relationships.
I mean, if I could go out and just have casual sex with people
that would be, maybe,
possibly be as beautiful as you,
then I would do that all the time.
But I can't. I...
(Sighs)
Hey, um, I had a great time tonight.
- Me, too. - Yeah, I did.
Hey, so, you know, my sister is, like, having, like, this...
Do you want to come up?
Um, I will call you, okay?
No, not again.
Ben, this is exactly what happened last time.
We had a great date, and then you blew me off.
- No, it's... - Will you be honest with me?
- What do I do that's so...? - It's the kissing.
The what?
You kiss like a thirsty bird.
You know, it's like... It's like...
Like, in...
You know, and then...
Like a hobo cleaning out a margarine container.
Just... it's like...
You know?
Wow.
You wanted honesty.
Honesty, huh?
Well, here's some honesty.
Whatever it is you're looking for,
it doesn't exist.
There's no one that likes all the music you like,
and hates all the movies you hate.
That eats French fries and pizza yet still has a great ass.
That's a fantasy, Ben.
You think you're so perfect?
You talk with your mouth full.
Your wallet is velcro.
Your ears are crooked.
Oh, and by the way,
you have no idea what else this tongue can do.
And now, you never will.
Wait, wait, wait, is this still...?
Don't talk.
Okay, 'cause I just don't want you to, like...
Take my top off.
Oh, I was hoping you were going to have those.
So?
Is there a future with Rich?
What?!
(Sighs)
Maybe I could be a little choosier.
Mm-hmm.
Right.
Maybe...
Yeah, I could be a little less.
Yeah.
Well, in the meantime...
Hey, uh,
are my ears crooked?
Yeah.
Really?
Ben: You know, all friendships have benefits.
They can make you laugh.
You can tell them anything.
Sometimes they'll do stuff for you they don't want to do.
And sometimes they'll do stuff to you
you very much want them to do.
But I have to say, the biggest benefit of all...
is that when you have a problem you can't solve alone...
you realize you're not.
So are there going to be hot guys
at this wedding, or what?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I have no idea.
==sync, correction by dcdah== for www.addic7ed.com