Hi.
I'm Millie Upton,
creator of the Grumpaloo Gang.
Kids love reading my books.
It's fun, and it increases their ability to learn,
so why not take the time to read a book with your child?
You just might learn something too.
And cut.
That was great, Millie.
Thanks again for doing this.
Oh, no problem.
Oh, and hey, thank you so much
for yelling "cut" and "action" so loud.
You should probably use one of those big cone things.
Help save your voice.
I'll keep that in mind.
Okay.
Five flawless takes in a row.
That's incredible.
You were so smooth and warm.
Your eyes sparkled like some kind of, um...
Pinball machine?
Okay, pinball machine.
Where did you learn to sell like that?
Oh, I have watched a lot of TV in my time.
I must have seen about a million thousand commercials.
Do another one, right now.
Hi.
I'm Millie Upton, here with Stan Dirko,
reminding you to eat right and stay healthy.
Heart disease is no joke.
Alrighty, then.
Uh, here.
Do an ad about these tissues.
Winter is just around the corner,
and with that
comes your old friend influenza.
Don't let cheap tissues shred the flesh off your nose.
Use tender tissues.
They'll keep you smiling with every sneeze.
Wow.
You make me wish I had something in my nose
right now.
I mean, yeah, it's ham and cheese,
but it's on multigrain.
She's a natural pitchman.
Uh, here.
Pitch me this stuff.
She just doesn't know all the lingo.
Sync by mczolly | www.addic7ed.com
Corrections by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
Hey, honey.
Guess who helped Millie take a big step forward today.
Who cares?
Close. It was me.
Mm. What's for lunch?
Tuna sandwiches,
just like we've had for the past seven years.
I love Tuna Tuesdays!
♪ It's Tuna Tuna Tuesday ♪
♪ you're not singing ♪
I'm not in the mood for our tuna song.
I feel like I'm in a rut.
Oh, well, I guess we could have pizza.
We'd have to come up with a new song...
♪ It's piz... ♪
No, see, it should start with a "t."
Taco!
♪ Taco Tuesday ♪
It is not the tuna or the taco.
It's the routine.
Every day's the same,
and I feel I'm not working towards anything.
I need direction, guidance.
Uh-oh.
Hey, maybe you could life-coach me.
Well... boy... hee...
Do any of those noises mean "yes"?
Ah, bloubhh... ehh...
See, the thing is, as a life coach,
like, I have to say some things
that are, you know, not so nice.
I have to be brutally honest, which is never...
Like, friction could arise from... from...
Honesty... honesty isn't good in a marriage.
Have you not been honest with me?
No.
No!
See?
I'm not even coaching yet. Already, friction.
This is putting a damper on Tuna Tuesday.
This could open up
a whole new stream of revenue...
Big endorsement deals from fat cat companies.
Please tell me you're interested.
Sure.
Doing TV is fun.
Someone does your makeup,
and then someone else does your hair.
It's like having a sleepover
without all the stupid giggling.
[Elevator bell dings]
Hey, Joyce. Guess what.
Taylor and I are going to go do some...
- Whoo! - Whoa!
Oh, you made me dizzy.
Do it again.
What are you doing?
Joyce can't know about any of this.
[Whispering] Why not?
[Whispering] She's Betty Buzzkill.
She always says "no" to new ideas.
And I do the whole book tour on horseback!
Whoo-whoo!
No.
And I drop the book to the kids
as I plummet to earth!
No.
Arr!
No.
I don't know what that is.
No!
Yeah, she does say that a lot, doesn't she?
But she said yes to this commercial.
Sure, one rinky dink public service thing
for charity.
Whoop-de-doo.
We can't let her blow our big money deals.
What are you two
whispering about?
- Football. - Ninja turtles.
I was still using that plate.
It's a sandwich.
It was invented for hands.
All right, I'll use my hands.
It's recycling tonight.
Garbage and recycling.
You know,
I've been giving this a lot of thought
over the last seven seconds,
and you're right.
Life coaching you is a great idea.
I thought you said it would cause friction
in our marriage.
My mistake.
I'm going to start by asking you some questions.
Standard procedure.
Just answer honestly.
Name?
Anna Dirko.
Dirko...
And marital status?
Married. Happily.
Happily. Nice.
And how satisfied are you with your sex life?
Would you say (A) Very,
(B) Hugely,
(C) Over the moon?
Is that question really on there?
Over the moon.
Great news.
They made more muffins?
I have no muffin news.
But I spoke to a couple of ad agencies.
And they want me to do commercials?
They like the idea,
but they're a little nervous
because they don't know what you're like on camera.
Hello? I just did that public service thingy.
We don't have a copy of that yet.
Besides, it doesn't show your talent or your range.
Well, then, what's the great news?
I own a video camera.
We just have to shoot some fake commercials
and use them as examples.
Hot pants!
So who's going to do my hair and make-up?
Hot pants!
And question 28,
why do you feel the need
to leave your socks in the bathtub?
Can we just move on to my rut?
Oh. Okay.
That was the next thing anyway.
All right, what seems to be the problem?
I spend my whole day working.
I don't have time for my business.
Work less.
No,
I want to work more,
but I can't
because I'm so busy taking care of plants.
Get rid of plants.
No!
I want to work with more plants,
get more clients,
maybe get into landscaping.
You know, expand and diversify.
Expansion...
Diversifize...
So should I put together a business plan?
Maybe hire some employees first...
Where do I start?
These are all good questions...
That I can't answer.
I feel we need to find you
someone who can guide you through the world of business,
like a mentor.
I thought you were my mentor.
No, no.
I'm your coach.
I'm not the world's best businessman.
Don't let the fancy office fool you.
Would you be my mentor?
Do I have to do anything?
Probably.
Then no.
She said no.
Well, sometimes it's how you ask
that makes the difference.
Please, please, please, please.
All right, fine.
You stop whining.
It's all set up.
Now, what kinds of companies
do we want to do commercials for?
You're a children's author,
so it could be something for kids.
Mm-mm.
Nope, that's what they'd be expecting.
I think we should do something more adult,
contemporary, gritty.
You know, life can get a little tricky at times.
But it's amazing
how many problems can be overcome
when you have the right tools.
♪ Rev it up ♪
[Motor starts]
Farvuuzen chainsaws
have the snoose and the juice to get any job done.
[Revving]
♪ Rev it up, rev it up Farvuuzen ♪
Why don't we just start with dish soap
and we can see where we end up?
You're the big cone guy.
And... action!
So you want to grow your business.
Yes.
I know we're in a different kind of...
All business is the same
whether you're publishing books or just spritzing plants.
I just don't spritz the...
Well, when you boil it down to brass tacks,
there's one key to success in business.
Hard work?
Passion?
Intimidation.
If other people have what you want,
you have to one, let them know you want it,
two, let them know you're going to take it,
and three,
take it.
But taking stuff sounds kind of...
I don't know, jerky.
Look.
Sheila is going to take the last of the coffee.
Go take it from her.
But I already had...
She has it.
You want it.
Go take it.
Hi, Sheila.
Uh... I want some coffee.
Oh, I just got the last of it.
Maybe I can have yours.
You're funny.
Oh, are we out of coffee?
I'll make another pot.
That was just sad.
Okay, now, in this one, you're a single woman.
It's late, and you're tired, but you can't sleep.
Action!
When it's late at night and I can't sleep,
the last thing I want is an alien mind probe.
That's why I use... Brandon's aluminum foil.
Brandon's...
It keeps the aliens out and the freshness in.
Uh, cut.
Okay, not where I thought you'd go,
but great job.
[Cellphone rings]
It's Joyce.
Take a break.
Don't say anything.
Hello?
Taylor,
an advertising agency left a message
looking for Millie.
That's weird.
I wonder what that's about, that I have nothing to do with.
Is Millie with you?
Maybe she knows what this is about.
Nope.
I, uh, I haven't seen her.
Taylor!
I found some rubber gloves.
We should do a milk commercial.
What?
Moo!
P-choo!
Moo!
P-choo, p-choo!
Moo!
Are you at a farm?
Yes.
Uh, can't talk.
The battery on my phone, uh, just died.
Now. Bye.
[Beep]
Hey, star pupil.
How goes the mentoring?
Well, it started out a little shaky,
but I'm getting the hang of this business stuff.
That's great. Let's go celebrate.
I'll buy you a coffee and a snack.
You don't have to buy snacks. Jimmy...
Mm-hmm?
What do you have over there?
Uh, crackers and cheese.
Really?
I'd like some crackers and cheese.
Oh, well, there's more in the kitchen.
I like the look of yours.
Well, I suppose I could share them.
That's right.
Keep walking.
See? Free snacks.
What the hell was that?
You just took his snacks like some kind of cracker bully.
I did not.
I merely told him what I wanted,
and he adopted a subordinate position
based on my countenance.
Well, I'm not sure how I feel
about eating ill-gotten bully cheese.
Yep. It's tainted.
...and remember,
Javelle coffee
gives you that extra jolt in the morning
and calms your nerves at night.
♪ Javelle coffee ♪
♪ how does it know♪ ♪
Impressive, huh?
She's warm, personable.
Like a tiny blonde Maya Angelou.
She's a perfect fit
for the Mama Dia Biscuit Company.
We had another celebrity lined up,
but that fell through.
I'm Isadore P. Nubbins,
the world's oldest living human.
After 115 years, I've learned...
Mr. Nubbins?
Hey, Joyce.
Uh, quick question.
Do you think maybe there's a way
that you could mentor my wife
without turning her into a terrifying hard-ass?
If Anna wants to be successful, she has to be tough.
The more terrifying and the harder the ass,
the better.
She just stole a guy's cheese.
Really?
She's making progress.
Good for her.
Bad for him.
She's becoming a bully.
In your eye.
In mine, she's becoming a CEO.
Now, if you don't mind, I have work to do.
I just think there's a nicer way to handle...
Anna!
Okay, honey, let's move along.
You're actually kicking me out?
There's no kicking.
There's physical grabbing and coercive pushiness.
Look, Joyce wants me to be firm,
and this is important to me.
I'll make it up to you tonight.
How about pork chops for dinner?
Yay!
Great.
But don't overcook them.
I'll be home around 6:00.
Boo.
I'm a little nervous.
Aw, you're a natural.
You look great, you sound great.
You're like that mythological creature,
the spokesmodel.
Oh, they're not mythological.
I saw one once at a boat show.
Or did I?
I was a little drunk.
Millie Upton?
Yes.
I'm Tad, with the production,
and this is our director, Conner Hawthorn.
Oh, hi. Great to meet you.
I am super good to go.
I know my lines and everything.
This wardrobe is all wrong.
She's supposed to look wholesome.
This looks tired and dated.
I'm not in wardrobe.
These are my own.
Why isn't she dressed?
Get her into wardrobe
and let's get this behind us, yes?
This'll be fun.
It had better get more fun than that.
Uck.
Whoa, these are dry.
I took one bite
and it sucked all the spit out of my head.
If you're finished having lunch, Ms. Upton,
why don't we start shooting?
Um, I've been ready for about 15 minutes.
[Quietly sneering]
Oh, this guy is starting to shuck my corn.
Just remember, national commercial.
Big bucks here.
Quiet on the set.
Quiet, everybody!
Give me honesty,
authenticity.
You're a horse that just found water.
- I'm sorry? I'm a... - Action!
Hi.
I'm Millie Upton, creator of the Grumpaloo Gang,
and when my tummy starts to "grumbaloo,"
I reach for a box of Mama Dia's Homestyle Biscuits.
They're delicious, nutritious,
and as fresh as the day they were made.
Cut.
- Fantastic. - Terrible.
Room for improvement.
Really?
Not at all convincing.
Let's try again, okay?
Okay.
Here we go.
And... action.
I'm Millie Upton,
creator of Mama Dia's Homestyle... dammit!
Cut.
Could somebody get Ms. Upton her lines?
She's forgotten them already.
It's "Hi. I'm Millie...
I know who's Millie, and I know my lines.
She knows her lines.
Fine. Here we go.
And...
Quiet, everybody!
Action.
Hi! I'm Mama Dia...
No, you're not!
Urrh! Geez, you're getting me frazzled!
Is it all clear?
It's becoming clearer.
You're either a leader or you're a sheep.
I was talking about Joyce.
Oh, she stepped out.
I'm looking after the office.
Jimmy!
Less spritzing,
more pruning.
Jimmy's doing your job?
I poached him from Joyce.
It's part of my business plan.
Won't she be angry?
Joyce is the enemy.
She said so herself.
Listen to you.
Business doesn't have to be about enemies
and stealing and poaching.
It can be about hand-helping and Christmas bonuses
and company picnics with three-legged races
and potato salad.
Well, good gosh golly, Mr. Dirko,
I think we all learned a little something today.
I learned you're good at sneaking up on people.
And as Anna's life coach,
I have to recommend that she find a new mentor.
And as her mentor,
I recommend she find a new life coach.
Well, let's ask Anna how she feels.
Sure.
I don't know.
I feel empowered but partly uncertain.
There's also a part of me that partly feels...
Oh, pick a feeling already.
They're delicious and nutritious
and as fresh as the day they were...
Cut!
Again he cuts me off before I'm done.
We need to find a way to make this...
Cut!
How does that feel?
Maybe we should take a break.
It's too predictable.
It's coming off like a TV commercial.
I think it is a commercial.
Well, what do you think it is?
Curse of the Zombie People?
I don't make commercials.
I make moments.
Let's do it again.
Give me... different.
Action.
Uh...
[British accent]: Hello, I'm Millie Upton,
creator of the Grumpaloo Gang.
Forget the script. Improvise.
[Normal voice]: You hungry for something good and yummy...
Boring! Be creative.
Fine!
Hey, have you ever been so hungry
that you'd eat a brick dipped in tar
and covered with ants?
Then haul your fat ass off the sofa for a change
and grab a box of Mama Dia's "biscuits."
They're cheaper than dirt
and the next best thing to starving to death.
There!
Is that what you want?
- Perfect. - Mm?
It's funny.
It's honest.
It's anti-commercial.
The kids are going to love it.
Oh...
One momento, kemosabe.
Millie has her public image to protect.
You can't use that footage.
I believe we can.
Didn't you read the contract?
What's it say?
[Sighs] We need Joyce.
It says that?
I knew you two were up to something.
Fine, I'll be right there.
Well, Anna,
now's your chance to come watch me in action.
Whoo, a field trip!
This is the best part of any class.
You can come too, Opie,
see how business is done in the real world.
Probably gonna whack a guy.
You're right, Conner.
This contract is air-tight.
That's a wrap, people!
It's a shame, really.
Now I'm going
to have to give my good friend Arliss Philips a call
and tell him I had a run-in with you.
He's a really big producer in this town?
Bang! Straight to the jugular.
Arliss was a big producer in this town.
He works for me now.
Isn't that right, Arliss?
Damn straight, boss.
Sandwich, Joyce?
Do you have any egg salad?
Oh, looks like your mentor missed the jugular
and hit the one that's not... that vital.
Doc, can you do something?
I don't know if I can, Millie.
I mean, these highfalutin contracts
aren't really my area of expertise.
But sometimes in life
you have to ask yourself,
does having the right make it right?
Just because we can do something,
does that mean we should?
It makes you think, doesn't it?
Nope.
Try giving him a puppy.
He doesn't deserve a puppy!
Give him a snake.
Now that we're done playing hardball
and being sappy,
I'm going to take the incredible footage
that's on this memory chip here,
and I'm going to bring it to the producer...
You bit the chip in half.
What is wrong with you?
Tasted better than those knobby biscuits.
Let's wrap it up, people.
[♪]
So I don't know what to do know.
I'm happy Joyce doesn't mentor me anymore
because I don't want to be a bully.
But on the other hand,
I don't want people
to take my crackers, either.
[Sighs]
Maybe I'm not cut out to be successful.
Maybe you just need to realize
how successful you already are.
I mean, you're smart, you're funny,
you're gorgeous,
you run your own business,
you have a great cozy home...
And, according to a recent survey,
a husband who's a dynamo in the boudoir.
[Chuckles]
I guess I am successful.
Yeah, I guess you are.
I just don't want this bad experience
to have soured you off of doing TV spots.
Oh, I still want to do TV spots.
Yes!
I just don't want to be a shill
for corporate jerks.
I'm going to go back
to doing honest, wholesome public service stuff.
...And that's why I think it's important
for all of us to vote yes on Bill 5-21
at election time.
You know Bill 5-21
would close all municipal libraries, right?
I did not know that, no.
[Millie]: ...So little Missy Grumpaloo
went from town to town
selling her wonder potion
that she said could cure the flu
and grow hair.
But a Grumpaloo who drank her potion
became horribly ill.
His neck swelled and his eyes bulled out.
Everyone was scared.
But Missy said, "don't worry, folks.
"I have another potion here
"that can cure swollen necks and bulgy eyes,
and it's only 20 bucks a bottle."
Sync by mczolly | Corrected by Alice www.addic7ed.com