DUKE: So, your husband, the doc's, waiting outside for me to take a fix, huh?
You're to give him the signal,
he comes in, gives me a fatal dose.
He's got it all worked out, doesn't he?
Oh, yes.
He's parked a rental car
where your body goes over the cliff in his car.
And when it blows up,
not even dental charts will be able to prove who,
or what was in the car.
Mmm.
You and your hubby really had a scam goin', didn't you?
(SIREN WAILING) Yeah.
Until you came along.
So your husband dies,
and the grieving widow gets the insurance.
You meet him in Europe, and live happily ever after.
The only change of plan is
he's going to die.
And this grieving widow
meets her lover in Europe, and lives...
...happily ever after.
Now, it is time to give the signal, babe.
(CHOKING)
DUKE: Here's a taste of your own medicine, Doc.
(CHUCKLES)
WADE: Barbara Baylor is suspected of the murder of her husband
in Washington, D.C., three years ago.
Duke Dimarco has a history of arrests,
for both armed robbery and drug possession,
in New York and Philadelphia.
If you have seen either Barbara Baylor or Duke Dimarco,
please call our CrimeAlert hotline at
1800-555-7654.
Okay, hold it there, one.
Coming up on one.
Hold it. Ready for you one. Our operators are standing by
24 hours a day.
Take, one.
With your cooperation, we have captured 32 dangerous criminals.
And for that, I thank you,
and CrimeAlert thanks you.
Remember, keep your eyes open and stay alert!
And take him down now.
(SHOW THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Dissolve to logo. Dissolve it.
Super rolling. Super it.
And rolling.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
We're taking a call from someone who thinks
they've got a location on our child molester.
Oh, that's terrific.
Great show, Wade. Great show.
Listen, I've got some people for you to meet.
This is Betty, Martin and Tina.
They're big fans of yours and we need you in the monitor.
Hi, Tina. Forgive me. Hi.
Great to have you here. All right.
WADE: That was a great show, everybody.
That last segment was a real ratings grabber.
All right, tomorrow, we do the Tri-State robbery segment.
Production meeting, my office, 10:00.
How about those notes?
Okay, I'll see you down there in 20.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Get me the shooting script for tomorrow, will you?
I'll go get 'em.
Oh! All these deadlines!
Maybe we should do a segment on how this show's murdering me.
WADE: Last year you were making documentaries,
now, you got a top-rated network show.
Well, can I remind you that just last year
you were a glorified, what, security guard?
Yeah. Right there. Security expert, please.
Oh, well, I stand corrected. Thanks.
Well, you know, it was lucky for you
that you were working for Jake Salzburg at the right time.
Luck has nothing to do with it. (SCOFFS)
Jake wanted the best, that's why he called me
when his wife was being hassled by that crazy fan of hers.
Wade, notes and homework.
And when he picked me to host the show,
once again, he made the best choice.
(LAUGHS) You certainly take a lot of credit for this show.
Well, what can I tell you?
The brass is ecstatic over the audience reaction to me.
Well, I hope for your sake
the big chief keeps you up on that cloud of yours.
He'd pull the plug in a minute if our ratings slip.
Max, I don't intend to let that happen.
WADE: So, we're set for next week, huh? AL: Mmm-hmm.
Excuse me, sir. Oh, thank you, Andre.
You do good work.
Celebrity Profile Magazine, a cover no less. That's great.
Well, my clients should be so easy to get a cover for.
Enjoy it while it lasts.
"While it lasts"? Ow!
It's gonna last. I can assure you that.
You just keep doing your part.
AL: (LAUGHS) Oh, don't you worry, Wade.
As long as your show's as hot as it is,
you won't be able to keep me away.
(WADE LAUGHS)
Good to see you, Wade. How are you doing?
You like the show? I love the show.
Hey, how are you? Good to see you.
Call me soon. Call me soon.
Love the show, Wade.
WADE: Hey, Bob, how you doing? MAN: Wade, thank you.
WOMAN: Al! Hi.
Wade, the series is going great. Better every time.
Saw the overnights. Good going.
Thanks so much.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Henry, ask Monique to call the sheriff's department again,
and find out what's holding up the photo on the Echo Park sniper.
You got it.
JACK: Max, there's a call for you from the FBI.
It's the one you're waiting for.
Oh, all right! That'll be about the Miller's kidnapping.
I think we may have located those boys.
If that's it, contact the local affiliate,
and see if you can get a camera feed
with pictures of the parents and the kids.
MAX: All right.
Don't powder me too much. I just need a little in here.
Mmm.
Thank you. That's great.
Well, you certainly have done all right for yourself.
Still smoking four packs a day, Budd?
You need me for something?
Well, as a matter of fact,
there is something.
Make it fast, Budd, I got a show to do.
Oh, well, I...
I think I have a story that you,
that you might be interested in.
Why don't you let Henry read it?
And if it's interesting, we'll get back to you.
No, I don't think so.
It's a very special story.
For your ears only.
Budd, I would really rather you not smoke in here.
I just received a video from an old buddy.
It was something that he thought I might find
enjoyable. And he was right.
Budd, I told you, I don't have the time right now.
Holly Does Houston.
Has a nice ring to it.
It's really something you should look at, Wade.
Go on. Oh!
I see that I have your interest now.
I'm listening.
Turns out that
our young film star gave quite a performance.
As did his underage co-star.
Not exactly Disney, if you know what I mean?
Why are you sharing this information with me now?
Because I just couldn't forget
the choice bits that you laid on Salzburg
about my not having the right image for the show.
That was some hatchet-job you did on me.
Budd, it's not my fault you fell off the wagon again.
Well, there's not that much in my background
to compare to yours, now, is there?
What is it you want?
You're not a stupid man, Wade.
CrimeAlert was supposed to be my show.
I'm the one with the qualifications.
Nineteen years invested in this business.
It was a lock and everybody knew it.
Everybody? Obviously not Jake Salzburg.
He knew what I was capable of.
(CHUCKLES)
No, what you were capable of was licking the right boots.
Oh, you're smooth.
You're smooth, all right. I mean, you're really smooth.
But what do you think Salzburg
and the rest of your adoring audience would say
if they knew that you did skin flicks?
Our Wonder Boy crime fighter.
Look, Budd. Get... No, you look, Wade.
'Cause if it gets out that you did skin flicks...
Get to the point!
The point
is that you're going to lose the show.
That's what the point is.
Of course, you do have a choice.
You can leave with your reputation intact.
I'm sure there's others out there
who would go for your particular brand of charm.
Or you can be
my lead story
on the 11:00 news.
So, which will it be, Wade?
Camera's ready, Wade.
I'll be there in a minute!
Where's the rest of it?
Just polishing it on my computer at home.
We'll have to talk about this some more, privately.
Right now, I've got a show to do.
Certainly.
We...
We can meet
tomorrow night at my house, 6:00 p.m.
Don't be late. I'll be there.
MAN: Hey, people, let's move. We have 30 seconds. Let's get it moving now.
Wade, we've been waiting for you. What kept you?
Did you see Budd?
I saw him.
Well, did he have a story for us?
Story?
Why else would he come to see you?
He's not exactly a fan of yours.
I told him that I didn't have time to see him right now.
MAN: Okay, five seconds from now.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Hey, Wade.
Are we going over the profile segments tomorrow?
I'll be working at the production office.
I can do it myself.
I'll be glad to come in.
No, no. I can manage for once.
You deserve some R&R. You go out and have a good weekend.
You deserve it.
Okay. Good night, boss.
Good night.
MAX: Oh, good night, Henry.
HENRY: Good night, Max.
Will we see you at my house tomorrow night?
I'm making a new Jamaican dish for the party.
I'm looking forward to it. What time?
Around 7:00?
Black beans and Demon Rum?
You got it. Okay, good night.
Bye.
(CAMERA WHIRRING)
(HEDGE TRIMMER WHIRRING)
I'm gonna trim all the hedges this week, Mr. Anders.
Thanks, Juan.
(DOG BARKING)
Right on time, I see.
So, tell me,
just what have you decided?
The tape. You said you had the tape. I'd like to see it.
Proof?
I'll give you a private showing.
(SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
(SIGHS)
I've seen enough. You can turn it off.
So, let's get down to business.
I think I've figured out a way
to make this work out for both of us.
You have?
I propose that we share the show, you and I, co-host.
Co-host?
No way.
You've been in the spotlight too long already.
I want you out of the picture completely.
Just hear me out.
Your way, there's no guarantee you'll get the job,
even if I leave.
With you gone,
I don't see any problems at all.
It isn't gonna be easy.
With the following I have, (COUGHS)
You're gonna need me to pull this off.
I have to find a valid excuse to leave the show.
Well, you're a very creative person.
I'm sure you'll think of something.
It'll have to be something that the brass will buy.
(COUGHING)
Especially if I'm going to tell them that you're gonna take over.
Wade, I can't...
(GASPING) I can't breathe!
(COUGHING)
(CHOKING) Help me!
(GASPING)
Told you those things were gonna kill you.
(PRINTING)
News at 11:00?
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Max.
Wade! (LAUGHS)
Ooh, champagne!
You certainly know how to make an entrance.
I've put in a hard day, and I want to celebrate.
Look who's here!
ALL: (EXCLAIMING) Wade!
(WHINING)
Hey! What do ya say, boy?
How are you?
All right, back off. Gotta go to work.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
(WOMAN CHATTERING ON POLICE RADIO)
You're a real friendly boy, aren't you?
Oh, you're a girl.
Well, you know, you got more life than my dog.
Yes, you have.
Oh, what happened here?
Her name's Sheba.
Sheba?
Hey, that's a nice name. Sheba.
My name is Randy.
Oh. Hi, Randy.
I'm Lieutenant Columbo.
Are you a real lieutenant?
I'm not Dick Tracy.
Look at this.
Is that real enough for you?
Wow!
Randy, I got to go to work now.
Bye, Sheba.
What have you got, Sergeant Lewis?
Name's Budd Clarke.
He's a newscaster on KRVA.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I've seen him lots of times on the evening news.
Looks like he's gonna be making the news instead of reporting it.
Ah!
George, this is the way you found him?
Uh-huh. No signs of violence, no obvious wounds.
I'll know more after the autopsy.
But he looks like a good candidate for heart failure.
He's the right age, had to be a stressful profession,
obviously a heavy smoker.
The victim was found at approximately 4:30 this morning
by a neighbor, Mr. Eric Larsen,
who says that the victim's dog was barking in the middle of the night.
I got to quit smoking. This is crazy.
Uh...
Anything else, George?
He probably died between 6:00 and 7:00 last night.
It looks like respiratory failure,
possibly brought on by a heart attack.
According to the neighbor, it was unusual
for the dog to be out at that hour of night.
It's just a puppy, and if you can imagine that.
Have you seen this dog, Lieutenant?
Yeah. She jumped all over me. Seemed very friendly.
Go on, Sergeant.
Well, after a while, Mr. Larsen called the police.
The patrol officers saw the body through the patio doors,
and broke in.
No sign of forced entry or struggle.
The lab boys are here as you requested.
Did anybody else live here?
No. No, Mr. Larsen says Clarke lived alone.
A housekeeper comes in weekdays.
Frank? Yes, sir.
Look around and see if you can find any ashtrays with more cigarette butts.
I want to take a look.
Okay.
All right. Tweezers.
George, you got tweezers?
Here you go, sir.
What's the matter, Lieutenant?
Lieutenant, I found this one in the bedroom.
Thank you, Officer.
Sergeant, you better have the lab boys check out
all these cigarette butts in these ashtrays,
and any others you can find in the house.
And this one, the one that was on the desk,
have that marked.
What is it, Lieutenant?
COLUMBO: These cigarettes, the ones on the desk,
they weren't smoked.
Weren't smoked? What do you mean?
Look.
No nicotine stain on the filter.
But these cigarettes, in these ashtrays,
were smoked.
Notice the yellowish-brown nicotine stain on the filter?
Oh, yeah!
And look at here.
Clean as a whistle. Tag it and get it to the lab.
You got it, Lieutenant.
Frank?
FRANK: You finished with the body, Lieutenant?
Yeah, all finished.
LEWIS: Lieutenant, the press is outside. They want a statement.
Uh, tell them the usual.
LEWIS: Yes, sir.
Anybody know how to work this thing?
These machines, they baffle me.
What do you need?
I want to see the rest of this story.
Stop it.
"Seventeen-year-old girl disappeared from a small town..." Okay.
Just want to check.
"Seventeen-year-old girl disappeared from..."
Can you make a copy of that?
In a flash.
(PRINTING)
Here you go, Lieutenant.
Thank you.
Hmm.
Sergeant.
Check this out for latent prints.
Oh, you!
(WHIMPERING)
Yes, you're a princess.
Good girl, aren't you?
Oh, what, you wanna go with me?
Here, I got something for you.
My dog loves these. Here.
Oh! Okay, down.
Did you do this?
Thanks a lot.
Ruin the whole door of the car.
I got to go now.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Homicide?
You mean it may not have been a heart attack?
Not necessarily.
You see, when a person dies like this, we have to investigate.
Oh.
These machines are something, aren't they? Computers.
And there's where you type.
Me, I only can type with two fingers.
This is Mr. Clarke's office?
Yes.
Could I look in?
Yes.
Oh, I see he has his own computer.
Yes.
Did Mr. Clarke type his own news stories?
Most of the time.
Except if he was close to deadline,
then sometimes I'd type up his notes.
Notes? Yes.
He kept notes? Yes.
Where did he keep it?
The tape recorder, on the desk.
He used it almost everywhere he went.
Oh, so he would talk his notes?
Yes.
Well, people do that now.
Yeah, they used to write them.
The notes are in here?
Yes.
There's nothing here.
Oh! The tape was there on Friday.
I gave him a new one that morning.
Where is the old one?
They're erased. Then we reuse them.
Hmm.
Are these the news stories that Mr. Clarke was working on?
LISA: Yes, at least some of them.
But all our news stories are logged on the computer.
Could you show me?
Yes.
Wow, look at all those stories.
Is there a particular one you're interested in?
Yes, if you could roll down to the Es.
Yeah, that's good.
"Evening in the Kremlin.
"Emergency in Pentagon.
"End of the line for Dope..."
(MUTTERING)
And that's the end of the Es?
Could Mr. Clarke have a story
that wasn't on this list?
"Escape to Death."
I don't see it here.
Yes, I suppose so.
But it would have to be a new one if it's not in the computer yet.
Thank you. You've been very helpful.
Oh!
Could you tell me when you saw Mr. Clarke last?
On Friday. He came in around 2:00.
About 3:00, he said he had to go down to see Wade Anders.
Do you happen to recall when Mr. Clarke returned?
He was gone about 30 minutes.
Then, he got ready to go on the air at 4:00. I left at 5:00.
Never saw him again.
Can you tell me where I can find Mr. Anders?
He's on the main floor where CrimeAlert is.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Excuse me. Excuse me.
We don't allow anyone in this area without authorization.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm Lieutenant Columbo, Homicide.
Boy, it seems like you've got more equipment here
than we've got down at headquarters.
I'll get someone.
(WHISPERING) Miss Max. There's a guy over here.
His name's Columbo, Lieutenant.
I'm Maxine Jarrett. You're Lieutenant Columbo, is it?
Uh, yes, ma'am. Boy, this is quite a place.
I was just saying
that it seems like you're better equipped than we are.
You have no idea how much paperwork it is just to get a phone.
Oh, I'm sure that's a problem for you.
Yeah. I'm sorry, Lieutenant,
but we run on a really tight schedule. What can I do for you?
Oh, I understand, ma'am. I'm checking up on Budd Clarke's death.
Oh, yes. I heard about it this morning.
I heard he was here on Friday. Did you see him?
Yes, he was here on Friday,
but he talked to Wade Anders, our host.
Oh, you don't have to tell me who he is, ma'am.
My wife and I, we love the show.
If she could just spot one of those suspects...
Well, that's what makes our show popular, Lieutenant.
Well, I hope you all had a very restful weekend,
because we got a very busy week ahead.
Good morning, sir. Meeting in five minutes.
You got it.
Mr. Anders, could I speak to you for a minute?
Who are you?
Wade, this is Lieutenant Columbo, from Homicide.
It's a real pleasure meeting you, sir.
Lieutenant, I don't have any time right now.
Why don't you give your story
to my assistant over there?
If we can use it, we'll call you.
Oh, no, sir.
I'm here about Budd Clarke.
Budd Clarke?
Yes, I heard. Something about a heart attack?
Well, that's what we're trying to find out, sir.
I understand that he was here on Friday.
Oh! It's been so hectic lately. Friday?
Yes. Yes, he was here.
He said something about a story we might be interested in.
Did he say what it was about, sir?
No, I was called to the set.
I told him to see my assistant.
Uh-huh.
I bet you're always getting people who want you to use their stories.
WADE: It's incredible, Lieutenant.
We receive far more requests than we can ever use.
We have to pick the ones we feel
will catch the viewers' interest.
Oh, yes, sir. I can see it's very complicated.
Wade, the meeting.
I'll be right there.
I'm just going to give the Lieutenant a few minutes of my time.
Well, thank you very much, sir.
You know, my wife, she's not going to believe this, my meeting you.
She's a big fan.
Just the other day, she told me she thought
the grocery clerk looked like one of the suspects on your show.
Well, that's part of our appeal, Lieutenant.
The audience likes to get involved in catching the criminals.
You don't think some of those people could become vigilantes, do you?
Pardon me for saying this, Lieutenant.
I'm sure you do the best job you can, but let's face it.
The police departments of this country are woefully inadequate
to meet the overwhelming rise in violent crime.
Maybe you should take a few tips from us.
What can you tell me about Budd Clarke?
Were you aware of any problems he was having?
Coffee, Lieutenant?
Budd, he was all right.
Good newsman, I think.
Of course, he didn't like me very much.
Everybody knows he wanted my job.
When he found out I was hired for the show instead of him,
he told anyone who would listen I wouldn't last.
Well, that's bad forecasting.
Good thing he wasn't a weatherman.
But he came to you about doing one of his stories?
Well, Budd might hold a grudge,
but not when it came to selling stories.
Wade. You ready?
We have a meeting, then we want to do a run-through.
WADE: I'm being summoned, Lieutenant.
It can be grueling at times.
I can see that, sir.
(LAUGHS) It's been a pleasure, Lieutenant.
Oh, by the way, Lieutenant,
if I can ever be of any help to you, you let me know.
Appreciate it.
And tell your wife,
we'll look in on that grocery clerk.
(LAUGHS)
It's a good thing you ordered a toxicology report, Columbo.
Why?
Because that's the only way this can be traced.
Really?
The victim died of acute nicotine poisoning.
Three times the lethal amount introduced through the lungs.
Like in cigarette smoking?
No.
Nicotine in cigarettes metabolizes more slowly in the body.
That's why it takes longer to kill smokers.
If it wasn't nicotine in the cigarettes,
then what was it?
A highly concentrated form.
Nicotine sulfate, one of the most poisonous substances around.
Paralyzes the lungs, the heart action goes nuts.
Bingo, you are dead.
That quick?
With the amount he had in his system,
he must have died within minutes of ingestion.
Thank you, George.
You're welcome, Lieutenant.
(CAMERAS CLICKING) This angle.
(COLUMBO CLEARING THROAT)
What's going on? (SHUSHING)
Who are all these people?
(WHISPERING) They're from Celebrity Profile Magazine.
Oh, Mr. Anders is being interviewed by Celebrity Profile?
Not just an interview, Lieutenant.
Wade's going to be on the cover.
The cover. (EXCLAIMS)
About your background.
I heard that you were a security consultant.
That sounds like a Cinderella story to me.
I feel as though CrimeAlert is the most important work I've ever done.
The show must be quite a responsibility.
I do feel an obligation to my viewers, yes.
Our readers are as interested in you as they are the show.
What's your reaction to all this?
Have I touched on something you'd rather not discuss?
What?
No, no, I...
Distracted. I've got a lot on my mind,
I'm sure you can imagine.
Now's the time to take a break.
Henry! HENRY: Sir.
COLUMBO: Mr. Anders.
Lieutenant, what brings you back so soon?
I have something here, sir, that I'd like you to see.
Oh, certainly.
May we step into your office?
Right this way.
I hope I've got the right envelope.
I've got so many of these.
Well, we'll soon know.
Oh, dear. Oh, yes!
I've got 'em, sir.
What have you got there, Lieutenant?
Uh, news stories?
Right, sir. If you could just look at these.
You want me to read them?
If you would, sir.
Out loud?
That would be fine.
"Escape to Death, Hot Time for Slum Lord, Overdose in Medical Center."
You did notice the other two are different from this one.
You see, sir, Mr. Anders.
This one has upper and lower case letters,
while these two are all in capital letters.
That's right, just as you say, Lieutenant. But what's the problem?
We found these on Mr. Clarke's desk when we found the body.
Where you found the body?
Right, sir.
Forgive me, but I don't understand the problem.
We found the same story, "Escape to Death" on the computer screen,
so, it would appear that this story,
is the story that Mr. Clarke was working on.
Yes, I would agree with you there, Lieutenant.
Well, the trouble is, sir, that this story, "Escape to Death,"
it wasn't typed the same as these other two stories.
Why is that significant?
I can't explain it, sir.
Ah! You can't explain it, I see, that's the problem.
Yes, sir.
Maybe Budd typed that story and the secretary's typed the others.
Well, sir, then the titles would still be the same.
There's no way for you to know this,
but they all use the same format,
Budd, the secretary, the newsroom, same format.
Same. Yes.
Like these. All the titles in caps.
Hmm... Hmm.
Can you think of some explanation?
(SIGHS)
Nothing comes to mind.
No, huh? Hmm.
(CLICKING TONGUE)
(SIGHING) Oh, dear, dear, dear.
Wait a minute.
Maybe somebody other than Budd typed that story.
So, someone other than Budd typed the story.
Yes. Yes.
That could be the answer.
Yes.
Thank you, sir.
Ironic, isn't it?
Sir? The title.
Oh!
"Escape to Death."
That is ironic.
Isn't it? Yes.
Well, I hope I've been of some help, Lieutenant.
Well, you certainly have, sir, and I appreciate your input.
And thank you for your time.
Oh! Mr. Anders.
I forgot something I wanted to show you.
Could you step out here? It'll only take a few minutes.
Two minutes.
What have you got there, Lieutenant?
Sir, did you see what I just did?
You just tore a page out of my printer.
Well, now watch carefully. I'm going to do it again.
Now do you see what I mean, sir?
What I see, Lieutenant, is you've torn two pages out of my printer
and you're now holding one.
Yes, sir, but do you see how I'm holding it?
Yes, I do.
I've tried every way I know how, sir,
and I can't tear a page out of this printer
without touching both sides.
I don't understand the significance.
When we found Mr. Clarke's print,
it was only on one side of the page that was under his hand.
Go on.
So, if Mr. Clarke had pulled the page out of the printer,
his fingerprints would have been on both sides.
I think you're on to something, Lieutenant.
Oh, well, thank you, sir.
That's good work.
Well, coming from you, that's a real compliment.
Keep me posted on your progress.
We could use some good material for our show.
Oh, that would be terrific.
And I'll be sure to let you know, sir.
Do that.
Tell Max we're in perfect position.
Okay, we're in perfect position, Max.
MAX: Good. It'll be a second.
WADE: Ready when they are.
Okay, the cameras are in place down here.
SWAT team's almost ready. It's about to go down, folks.
Okay, Max, we're in place and we're ready.
Wait for my cue. Okay, everybody, cameras are ready.
Roll on Wade in 15 seconds.
Okay, everything's ready, Wade. This is going to be good.
It better be.
Any second, now.
MAN: Here we go. Three, two...
Today, you're going to see, firsthand,
the capture of two suspects profiled on CrimeAlert last week.
Due to a tip from one of our viewers,
we've led the police to a motel across the street
from where I'm standing at this very moment.
Police! Open up!
Freeze! (WOMAN SCREAMING)
WADE: Barbara Baylor conspired with Duke Dimarco
to kill her husband for the 500,000 dollar insurance policy on his life.
I want to thank the viewers who watch our show.
Because of you,
criminals like Barbara Baylor and Duke Dimarco can be taken off our streets.
That's a wrap.
We got it. Good.
Well, how was it? Talk to me.
Great, Max said they got it all. It's going to be great.
Now, you tell Max not to start that editing
till I get a chance to go over it with her.
I'll tell her. MAN: Great show, Wade.
Thanks.
Oh, I got a message for you from Lieutenant Columbo.
He said he wanted to let you know that he wouldn't be able to see you today.
Said that he's "Hot on a lead, will fill you in later."
That Lieutenant's certainly bent on getting one of his cases on our show.
Yeah.
Everybody's out to make a buck.
Well, your show's got 'em coming out of the woodwork.
Oh, Maurice was setting up in the trailer to trim your hair.
I'll head over there right now. Thanks, Henry.
Lieutenant Columbo.
(CHUCKLES) Thanks, fellas.
Yeah.
Great show. Okay.
But, Lieutenant, just a little here and here, and right off the top.
It will make you look much more distinguished
(WHISPERING) And sexier.
(LAUGHS) My wife would like that.
You're going to take mostly off the top, right?
No, no, I'm going to trim the ends all over.
Oh, just the ends?
Give it a little shape. A little body. Oh, I see.
COLUMBO: 'Cause I got the same barber 20 years.
I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings or anything.
MAURICE: Look, don't worry about a thing. We won't tell him.
I promise you, you're gonna love it.
Okay, just, not too much.
Lieutenant! What are you doing here?
Oh, Mr. Anders. How are you?
I was over and about here...
I just got a message that said you were tied up following a hot lead.
Well, I was, sir, but it fell apart.
A hot lead turned cold, huh?
Yeah, it busted out on me.
But, this morning I found this.
And this is really good.
Cigarettes?
Cigarettes.
Really?
Maurice, I need a little trim. I haven't got much time.
Excuse me, please. Oh, I'm sorry.
Your hairdresser, he was giving me a few pointers on my hair.
Really? What did he think?
He wants to make me more attractive.
(CHUCKLING) By the way,
what is the difference between a hairdresser and a barber?
Oh, about 50 dollars.
That's a good one.
Oh, I'm going to remember that.
You know what this is like, sir?
This is like the fingerprints being on only one side of the paper
instead of on both.
It opens up all kinds of questions.
Really?
And I'd love to show it to you.
Well, sure, if it doesn't take too long.
Two minutes, sir.
Mr. Anders, do you see the difference between these two cigarettes?
Yeah, but I'm not the guy to ask about cigarettes.
You know I hate 'em.
Well, you don't have to be a smoker, sir.
You can see the difference between these two.
Sure.
Now, this one was found on the ashtray on Mr. Clarke's desk.
That's where we found the body.
But this one, this was found on an ashtray in another part of the room.
Am I stupid? I must be missing the point.
Well, you can see, sir,
that these two cigarettes were put out in two completely different ways.
One was crushed, other was twisted.
Exactly. Twisted. Crushed.
Lieutenant, people put out cigarettes in many different ways.
But that's the point, sir.
Someone else was there.
(SOFTLY) Someone else was there?
Of course. That's good.
Why didn't I think of that?
Now, sir, I don't know what this all means.
But it's food for thought.
Oh, definitely, sir. This is something to chew on.
Thank you, Wade.
My driver's waiting.
Well, you go right ahead, sir. I don't want to hold you up.
Lieutenant, that's really good.
Maybe you should host the show.
(LAUGHING) Fix his hair.
Keep me posted. Lieutenant.
Oh.
He's got a great sense of humor, hasn't he?
Yes, he does.
What's this?
"Presumed Innocent."
What's that?
It's an audio book.
Budd didn't have much time for reading,
so he'd listen to the cassette in the car.
Yeah, but I read that book. That's a big book.
You mean they got the whole book on this little thing?
No!
It's a condensed version. Kind of like Reader's Digest.
Oh, that's great.
I should use that.
Of course, first, I have to get a tape deck in my car.
So, is this all?
As far as I know.
Yeah, get me a tape deck in my car.
In the car.
BUDD ON TAPE: Pick up the dry-cleaning,
take a look at the station IDs for the 11:00 news.
Check Arnie's in Hollywood for background info on the porno film.
(MOUTHING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Hey, cutie! Want to show me what's under the raincoat?
(CHUCKLING)
There you go, pal.
Excuse me, sir, do you have a minute?
Just wait your turn, buddy.
Hope we both have fun tonight, pal.
Okay, what can I do for you?
I'm Lieutenant Columbo. Homicide.
Homicide? Hey, wait a minute. I'm just a guy trying...
Well, sir, all I want to do is ask you a few questions. Nothing to worry about.
Did you know Budd Clarke?
Yeah. How well?
We served together in the Army.
Then, you were friends?
We didn't exactly travel in the same circles, you know?
But, when we were in the service, yeah, we were close.
Whenever I needed him, he was right there.
And I'm real proud of his success.
Did you send a tape to Mr. Clarke?
Yeah. Holly Does Houston.
Holly does what?
It's a porno film.
Holly does...
Houston. Oh!
I get it. Okay.
I came across it in some boxes in the back. Forgot I had it.
I figured Budd would get a kick out of it.
As far as I know, it's the only porno film that Wade Anders ever made.
Wade Anders?
He did a porno?
Gave quite a performance, if you know what I mean.
Well, what do you know about that?
Why would you think that Mr. Clarke would get a kick out of that film?
Well, you know, Anders aced Budd out as the host of the CrimeAlert show.
Did a real hatchet-job on him.
So, I figured Budd would really get a laugh
out of seeing Mr. Clean in a porno film.
Do you know if Mr. Anders knew that you sent it to Mr. Clarke?
I never heard a word.
Do you have a copy of that film?
Do you figure this film has got something to do with Budd's death?
Why, you never know, sir.
Got to check everything out.
Yeah.
I'll have to run you off a copy. It's in eight millimeter.
Well, I would appreciate it.
Anything for Budd, Lieutenant.
You can wait right in here, Lieutenant,
Mr. Anders should be with you any minute.
Well, thank you very much.
But you must be brief.
He's due at a rehearsal for the TV Awards in an hour.
Oh, he's going to get one of those statues? That's great.
No, he's going to be one of the presenters.
We're all very excited.
Ah! Yeah.
Well, this is some office here. Look at all this stuff!
And that rug. That must cost a bundle.
Oh, Lieutenant, Mr. Anders doesn't allow anyone to smoke in his office.
Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.
If you need anything, I'll be at my desk.
Well, thank you, ma'am.
(WHISTLING)
(CLOCK CHIMING)
MELANIE: Mr. Anders, a couple of phone calls, but nothing important.
And Lieutenant Columbo is waiting in your office.
WADE: In my office?
(DOOR OPENING)
Lieutenant.
Hey! You and the Governor.
That's pretty good.
Yes, that was a very special day for me, Lieutenant,
I can assure you.
I'll bet it was, sir.
I was admiring your desk.
It's an antique, isn't it?
It's well over 100 years old.
What a beauty.
So what brings you here, Lieutenant?
We got the report from the medical examiner, sir, and it showed...
If you don't mind. Would you, sir?
You want me to sign this?
For my wife. She'd really get a kick out of it.
You were saying something about a medical examiner's report.
Hmm? Oh, yeah.
Mr. Clarke died of nicotine poisoning.
Nicotine poisoning?
So, Budd smoked himself to death.
That's great!
What?
Your picture, sir.
It wasn't the nicotine in the cigarette tobacco that killed him,
it was nicotine sulfate.
Nicotine sulfate? What's that?
Oh, you've never heard of it?
No.
Oh, well, sir, it's one of the deadliest poisons there is.
It takes only one little drop to kill a man.
That's incredible, Lieutenant.
You're telling me that Budd was murdered?
Oh, yes, sir. Mr. Clarke, he was murdered, all right.
I know you always thought there was some sort of mystery surrounding Budd's death.
But poisoned? Who would have thought of that?
Well, right from the start, I thought there was something fishy here.
(STUTTERING) Yes. I remember you...
You were worried about
the fingerprints being on only one side of the page.
Didn't make any sense.
Well, you were right.
And now it appears, at least to me,
that somebody must have placed Budd's hand on that paper.
The murderer.
Exactly the way I figured it, sir.
Only way it makes sense.
But I still don't see how Budd was poisoned with, what did you call that stuff?
Nicotine sulfate?
Right, sir. I haven't figured that out yet.
But I'm working on it.
Oh, I'm sure you are, Lieutenant.
And I have the utmost confidence in you,
that you'll come up with the right answer.
(OPENS DOOR)
Thank you very much, sir.
Oh, there's something else that's been bugging me.
And what's that, Lieutenant?
We found an ashtray full of cigarette butts on Mr. Clarke's desk.
We also found a cigarette in his hand.
Budd was a chain smoker, Lieutenant. Now, you know that.
The autopsy report showed that he inhaled the poison only moments before he died.
But, Mr. Clarke hadn't smoked the cigarette in his hand
or any of the cigarettes on his desk.
Why would you say that?
No nicotine stains on the filters.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
WOMAN: Okay, come on, you guys.
Right. Come on out.
Good, fellas. All right, move forward, please.
Yes.
Move in.
Right, hold up. You got it.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Good.
Good, guys. Yeah, high kick. Yeah, that's it.
Good. Flip, flip it. Come on, let's go.
Hop.
Girls, and roll it. All right, here we go. Yeah!
(INSTRUCTOR CONTINUES CHATTERING)
All right. Good.
Rock it up, come on.
All right, now roll it.
(STUTTERING) I don't know. I think so. And...
We're ready for you, Mr. Anders. Could you come with me, please?
Excuse me.
Excuse me, sir. Can I help you?
I'm looking for Wade Anders.
The security guard said I could find him here.
Well, if you'd like to leave your name. I can take...
I'm from the police, ma'am. Lieutenant Columbo.
Oh, I see. He's right over there.
Huh? He was there a minute ago.
Let me ask you something, is Roseanne Barr here?
No, she won't be here until later.
Oh, I'd like to see her.
You know, this is my first time.
She'll be here at 5:30.
This is a great number.
INSTRUCTOR: Okay, let's go. Big finish. Come on. More energy.
Lieutenant. Oh, there you are.
Fancy meeting you here.
Oh, this is really something, sir...
Hi! Can I have your autograph, please?
Me, too! Me, too!
Yeah, it's exciting, isn't it?
Thank you. I love to watch 'em dance.
Yeah, they got great legs.
Thank you.
No business like show business, eh, Lieutenant?
Oh, you can say that again, sir.
Talking about show business,
do you know the first actress that was ever on a postage stamp?
No, I don't, Lieutenant. Now, who was that?
Grace Kelly.
When she married Prince Rainier.
You don't say.
To commemorate the wedding.
Lieutenant, are you here to see me?
Yes, sir, I am. Here's what happened.
After I left you, I had a meeting with the captain.
This case is now murder, right?
Right.
So he said to me, "Where do we go from here?"
Natural question, right?
Right.
Me? I got no answers.
And now he sits down and he's looking right at me.
This guy is tough.
So he says, "Who did Mr. Clarke last see?"
I said, "On Saturday, sir, the day he died, he didn't see anybody."
"But who did he see on Friday?"
I said, "On Friday, he went to work, saw the people there,
"had an appointment with a Mr. Wade..."
Wade Anders.
He knew you, sir. He did?
Loves your show. Really?
WOMAN: Mr. Anders! They're waiting for you at the podium.
Thank you.
So, the bottom line is... Lieutenant.
Is this your way of asking what I was doing on Saturday?
It is, sir. Yes.
Well, for heaven's sake, why don't you just come out and ask it?
Well, with certain people it's hard.
Don't be foolish. Now, what time was the murder?
Between 6:00 and 7:00 p.m.
I was in my production office, working.
Anybody with you?
No.
How can we verify that, sir?
Verify it?
If we could.
Verify it. That's where I was. That's it.
Anything else?
No. Thank you very much.
WADE: The nominees for Outstanding Directing and...
Lieutenant.
It just occurred to me, that my presence in that production office,
is probably recorded on the surveillance tape.
Oh.
Would that be of help?
Absolutely.
Good. Then I'll have it ready. Any time you stop by.
Tomorrow?
Fine.
Thank you very much.
Marty, I'm sorry to hold you up.
The nominees for Outstanding Director in a miniseries or special are...
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(GEARS GRINDING)
(BACKFIRING)
Could you back it up?
Move it back!
(SIGHING)
Are you all right?
No problem.
Hey, it looks pretty good.
I don't see anything. I think the bumper saved you.
WADE: Lieutenant, do you see that?
They're gonna have to take off the hood, try to match the paint.
It's going to cost about $2,000.
Well, why don't we look at my car?
What kind of car was that anyway?
Oh, this is a 1950 Peugeot, sir, they're very rare.
This didn't just all happen.
Well, you see this here? That's new.
Oh, that just happened. Yeah.
(BUMPER CLANGING)
Got insurance?
Yes, sir.
It's not going to be easy to match my paint. I can tell you that.
(SIGHING)
Oh, that shouldn't be too hard.
That looks like a standard gray.
Smoked silver, custom.
Smoked silver? Oh!
Hmm.
I presume you came for the surveillance tape?
Yes, sir, I promised the captain I'd pick it up today.
Fine.
Is everything all right?
Not serious. Just help me get rid of him.
How do you do, ma'am?
Hey, look at the camera. It's just like in a bank.
We have a lot of confidential data here, Lieutenant.
If it got in the wrong hands, it could do a lot of harm.
Well, I hope this satisfies your captain.
I hope so too, sir, and thank you very much for this.
You're welcome.
Oh, gee.
You know, while I'm here...
Maybe I'd better give you the name of my insurance company.
Well, I think it'd be easier
if you'd just let the production company handle it.
Oh, well, that's very nice.
Here are your notes for the Policeman's Ball.
They want your okay on it.
Oh, we're going, you know. The wife and I.
Oh, yeah, she's already picked out a new outfit. She's so excited.
Well, I'll see you tomorrow evening, sir.
(DOOR OPENING)
(SIGHS)
(BAND PLAYING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Hello, Ken. You've got quite a tan on you.
Thank you. I don't think you've been working, huh?
Hi, Jim. Wade! How you doing?
Thanks for all that help. Hello, ladies.
Wade! How are you?
How are you? Thanks. I'm fine.
I haven't seen you since the Bel-Air Hotel.
That's right.
Lieutenant.
That's... That's quite a change.
Oh! Yeah.
It's my wife. She made me wear it.
Well, she's so excited.
(STUTTERS) I wondered...
Would you mind, could I introduce you to her?
Certainly, but, we're going to have to make it quick, Lieutenant.
Yes, sir.
Gee, she was here a minute ago.
That's all I've heard on the way over.
Oh, I know. Probably in the ladies' room.
You know how women are. They always want to look their best.
When you find her, you bring her over to the table.
I'm looking forward to meeting her.
What? Is something wrong, Lieutenant?
Well, it's your shirt, sir. It's so perfect. There's not a wrinkle in it.
What'd you pay for that?
Well, I don't know. Maybe $300.
Just for the shirt?
Yeah. Starch was extra.
It's... It's Italian.
Well, that's amazing, sir.
Now, this shirt I got on, it traveled just as far.
It only cost 29.95.
It's Korean.
Well, it's very nice, Lieutenant.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get to the table.
Oh, I don't want to hold you up, sir.
Oh, Mr. Anders!
I know you're going to want to hear about this.
Can this wait until later?
I realize this is not a good time. I'm bothering you and all.
Right.
We found a film.
About a girl.
Holly.
She lives in Houston.
Why don't you go on up to the table, I'll meet you there.
All right, fine.
Lieutenant.
What were you saying about some girl in Houston?
There was an audio tape in Budd Clarke's car.
His notes on information on a party film.
Isn't that what they're called, sir?
Holly Does Houston.
You do remember it, don't you?
Lieutenant, why would you mention that now, in here?
You knew that Budd Clarke had a copy of the film?
How would I know that?
Well, he came to see you.
Wait a minute.
You don't think that was the story he was working on, do you, sir?
Are you saying Budd Clarke was planning to blackmail me?
That's a possibility.
What would that accomplish?
We all make mistakes.
I was very young and that was a long time ago.
MAX: Oh, there you are.
Sorry, Lieutenant. Wade, you're needed at the table.
Oh, would you tell Ken we'll be right there.
Lieutenant, I would deem it a great professional courtesy
if you'd not mention this to anyone else.
Oh, I understand, sir.
Wade, you're holding up the entire party!
I'm coming!
Sir...
Come on.
(DOGS BARKING)
Hi, Beauty! Dog ready?
I believe so, Lieutenant. John, is Dog ready?
Ready to go.
Hello, Lieutenant. How are you?
I'm fine, John. Just fine. And you?
(GRUNTING) Oh, we're just great. Here we go.
Oh! Get a look at you.
How good you look!
You know, there's not a dog in the place you couldn't have.
(DOG GRUNTING)
He don't look too happy.
Come on. Come on, we got to go now.
Come on. (GRUNTING)
Come on, come on.
I think he's mad at me.
He shouldn't be. We gave him the royal treatment.
A herbal conditioner after the bath. Makes the skin soft.
And when Mrs. Columbo heard we had a special,
she said, "Go ahead, give him the pedicure."
The what?
Is Sebastian ready yet?
Yeah, I'll go get him. Hope to see you soon, Lieutenant.
All right. Pedicure?
Oh, look, he's sulking.
All right, I'll give you something you want.
You want a little beef? There.
Let me see your pedicure.
Oh, oh! That's nice.
Pedicure?
Hold this.
(DIALING)
FRANK: Hello? Yeah? Yeah, Frank?
Columbo. Look, I'm going to be over at the station at 4:00
to look at the surveillance tape.
When I get done, I want a photographer there.
Photographer? Right.
You got it.
And tell the photographer to bring the macro lens.
Instead of the video?
No, I want to look at the tape first.
All right.
WOMAN: What are we looking for, Lieutenant?
Let's just run it one more time.
Something's bothering me.
And I just can't put my finger on it.
Well, I really don't know what you're looking for.
You've run this so many times already.
I know, but... Maybe this time.
That's it.
Okay, enough.
I saw all I need.
(CREW CHATTERING LOUDLY)
That's fantastic. Max, you did it.
Remind me to call the network in the morning,
I want to use this for this week's promo.
You got it.
Well, a few of us are going out for some Mexican food,
if you guys want to join us?
Oh, count me in, I'm starved.
Wade?
You're starved and I'm tired.
I'm going to do some work and then I'll head on home.
Come on. Come on.
You all go ahead. Thank you.
All right, good night.
Good night, Wade.
Good night, sir. Good work, Max.
(DOOR CLOSING)
COLUMBO: I saw the tape.
Lieutenant?
You... You saw the tape?
Yeah, I saw the surveillance tape you gave me.
And?
I'd like you to see it, sir.
I've already seen it, Lieutenant.
You know, I kept looking at that tape,
I couldn't figure out just what it was that was bothering me.
There's nothing wrong with that tape, Lieutenant.
I can assure you that. I've seen it myself.
I'd like you to see it again, sir.
I don't need to see it, Lieutenant.
I'm tired and I've got a lot of work to do.
Mr. Anders.
Mr. Anders, there is something you should see.
What is it that's bothering you, Lieutenant?
Why don't you look for yourself, then decide?
This better be worth my time.
If you would, sir.
It's perfectly fine, Lieutenant. Just as I said.
It would appear that way, but if you could just play it once again, sir.
There. Right there. Stop there.
Do you see, sir, when you came in the production office,
the hedges were neatly trimmed.
You claim that was Saturday morning.
Now, it's seven hours later,
you can tell that by the clock and you're leaving.
But it can't be Saturday night, because, look.
Look at the hedges!
Well, even my niece's green thumb couldn't grow hedges that fast.
Just what are you driving at, Lieutenant?
That you weren't in your production office as you said,
at the time that Mr. Clarke died.
(DOG PANTING)
Have you ever seen this kid before?
No, I can't say I have.
COLUMBO: What about the dog? Have you seen the dog?
WADE: No. Are you sure?
How should I remember every dog I see?
It's Budd Clarke's dog.
Well, how should I know that?
Are you sure you've never seen that dog before?
I have never been to Budd Clarke's house.
You have never been to Budd Clarke's house?
No, I have never been to Budd Clarke's house.
I don't even know where he lives!
You have never been to Budd Clarke's house. Are you sure of that?
Lieutenant, how many times do I have to answer that?
Frank! Did you get that?
(DOOR OPENING)
Yeah, I got it.
This is a real friendly dog.
(WHIMPERING)
Got a missing claw.
When we had that car accident the other day in your parking lot,
I felt some scratches on the car door.
Didn't think too much about it at the time.
But then I remembered,
that the first time I went to Budd Clarke's house,
this dog was all over my car.
Made some scratches. Nothing serious.
And the scratches on your car door
came to about the same place as the scratches on mine.
Then it hit me.
We used a special magnifying lens.
See, your car door, left paw, three scratches, right, four.
My car door. Left, three scratches, right, four. Exactly the same.
So you see, sir, you had to have been at Mr. Clarke's home.
A dog?
(WHIMPERING) Man's best friend.
Well, at least you got a good story for our show.
ANNOUNCER ON TV: Tune in, CrimeAlert, Tuesday at 9:00 p.m.
And see the capture of Duke Dimarco and Barbara Baylor.
No, I don't think so.
But it will be for the 11:00 news.
Remember! Keep your eyes open and stay alert!
(DOG BARKING)