The key to any relationship is timing.
- You know what, Larry? - No, what?
Things have been going so well
with me and Kate that, uh, I think we're ready.
Oh, my gosh, Benjamin Louise Parr,
are you saying what I think you're saying?
Larry, it's Louis and you know that.
And no, I'm not proposing to Kate,
I'm just thinking of asking her to move in with me.
Oh.
You know, for someone who doesn't believe in love
you get surprisingly excited about weddings.
Ben, every wedding is an opportunity for me
to be proven wrong, all right?
It's also an opportunity for me to trick drunk girls
into thinking I'm a NASCAR driver.
Anyway, I know moving in together is a big step.
But Connie's been at Tiffany's this whole week,
and so I've been staying with Kate every night...
and Larry, it has been great.
I just need to make sure that Kate feels the same way before I ask her.
But I'm ready for phase two, Larry,
which, if all goes according to schedule,
should last six months.
And then, on to phase three.
- Oh, my God. - Wherein I propose.
Oh, Benjamin, please have a spring wedding
because you know I look amazing in whites.
# Our love is volatile, chemical #
# Anything but typical #
# I want you badly #
# I love you madly #
So, uh, something weird happened to me today.
I got an email from Tom Stevens.
He says he's in town and he has to talk to me.
It's very mysterious.
Why don't I ever hear from any of my old high-school boyfriends?
What are you talking about? You heard from Tony Tucci.
He was just looking for people to invest in his chicken restaurant
where you kill your own chicken.
It's actually doing pretty well.
Wait, I didn't ask you, you had dinner with your dad and Penny last night.
- How'd that go? - It was fun.
My dad was really excited about getting married,
and I'm happy for him.
- And Penny? - Yup, she was there too.
Thank you so much for dinner.
- That was fun. - Oh, my pleasure.
But you know, I still don't know who ordered the tax.
Every time, Dad.
So I'll see you two at the rehearsal?
Yes, very exciting.
Now I assumed you wouldn't be bringing a date,
because you are always single.
I'm not always single.
So I sat you with Aunt Eva, Aunt Mary, and Aunt Jane.
You sat me at the old maids' table.
Connie, you shouldn't say "old maid."
You're not gonna like it when people call you that.
You're about to have an actual wicked stepmother.
She makes my dad happy.
And ever since my mom died he's been so lonely.
There must be someone that you can take.
What about Brad?
Or gay Brad, or gay Steve, or Steve?
No, they're my friends.
And I'm not gonna subject any of them to Penny.
Then just take someone you don't care about,
or someone you hate.
Someone like...
- No. - Aah.
Oh, my God, you smell like a Deli counter.
Yeah, that's because I burped right before I sat down.
It'll go away.
He said that in the cab.
It didn't.
Hmm, Larry?
Um, how would you like to go to a wedding this weekend?
- Done. - With Connie.
Aah, this...
Oh, this is a dilemma,
because I love weddings, but I do not care for her.
Well I didn't even want you to go anyway.
Okay, fine, fine, it's settled.
I'm coming.
I will be the gentleman dressed completely in white.
Mmm. Maybe we should, um...
Oh, I keep forgetting.
Connie's at Tiffany's.
We can do it wherever we want.
We could do it on the kitchen table.
Nothing is stopping us.
- It is a little drafty in there. - The table's at an odd height.
Mmm.
Wouldn't it be great if it could be like this all the time?
You mean just foreplay?
'Cause I kinda like the other stuff, Ben.
No, that's not what I meant.
I know that's not what you meant.
I love having the place all to ourselves.
I really appreciate you helping me out, Larry.
- Mm-hmm. - You're such a smart,
kind, patient lawyer.
And cute. I love a man in uniform.
This is a suit.
Yeah, a lawyer uniform.
Uh, wha...
Come on, Larry.
It just makes sense for us to be together.
- Hey. - Hey.
Whoa, you look like you saw a ghost.
Yeah.
Um, let me ask you something.
If you dream about kissing somebody,
subconsciously that means you hate that person, right?
No, I think that means you wanna kiss them.
Oh, you're some kind of dream expert now, Dr. Freud?
Why are you in my office, Larry?
Uh, I... You know, I just, uh, wanted to know
what that is, what is that?
This is a key to my apartment.
I got the signal from Kate last night,
she is ready to move in.
God.
You love wrapping stuff.
I'm sorry, I must have the wrong office.
I was looking for a clumsy girl with a really bad perm.
Tom.
I did not even recognize you without your bad perm.
- Hi. - Hi.
Oh, gosh.
So what's the big mystery? Why are you in New York?
It's kind of a funny story, and it involves you.
Hmm, exciting.
Here, sit.
I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry, is it hot?
Oh, you know, not hot-hot,
just coffee hot.
Okay, one more of these to sign,
and you have officially filed for divorce.
You okay?
- I'm great. - Mm-hmm.
You know, I feel more and more like Bernie did me a favor.
Besides, this is kinda fun.
I'm like a business man.
Buy!
Sell!
That's funny, that's...
oh, and you actually signed "Sell."
Okay, that's all right.
- I have a few of these. - Tiff, I'm home!
- What? - What?
- Why are you looking at me like that? - Why...
Because I'm just now realizing that your left eye is higher
on your head than your right,
and it's gross.
Really, well, I'm just realizing
why this house smells like feet.
Well, pardon me for choosing not to subject my feet
to the tyranny of foot dungeons.
Just remember my dad's rehearsal dinner
is at 8 P. M. tonight.
Don't be late.
Okay, fine, that's good.
Um, why don't I, uh...
Why don't I just pick you up here?
Wait, what's wrong with you? Why are you being nice to me?
- Forget it. - No, no, no, no.
I guess if you're gonna be my boyfriend,
it just makes sense for us to be together.
What did you say?
It just makes sense for us to be together.
Uh, you know, that's, uh... I think I got... aah!
I think I got everything that I needed here.
But I just wrote "buy" and "sell" on those.
No, that's cool, I can make that work.
Knock-knock.
- Ben! - Surprise!
I have a few minutes before I'm due in court,
so I figured I would bring you this,
but you are with a dude...
a very handsome dude...
in a little shirt.
Hi, I'm Ben Parr.
Tom Stevens, hi.
I was just sitting here.
- With Tom. - I see that.
- It's no big deal. - No, no big deal at all.
Uh-huh, Kate are you being robbed?
Am I being robbed?
That's a good one.
What's going on? Why are you acting so weird?
I'm not acting weird, am I acting weird?
Yeah, a little bit.
Look at that, Tom and I already agree on something.
Who is Tom?
I'm so sorry, Tom just got finished telling me something
that I find very hard to believe.
Um, okay.
It's actually really funny if you think about it.
I think you are gonna find this funny.
Should I just tell him?
You maybe just put your shirt back on.
Um, Ben...
Tom and I are married.
Pretty funny, right?
Tom is your hu... You have a hu... You have a husband?
- Yes, but he's engaged. - To a different girl.
- Not Kate. - Yeah.
So I'm getting married, again, I guess.
Congratulations, but don't you think
that's being a little hoggy with the marriages?
Ben, it really is a funny story.
I'm sure it is, Kate,
and I can't wait to hear all about your marriages.
Any kids I'm not aware of? You know what, don't spoil it.
I have to go to court, tell me your story later.
You are really taking your time putting that shirt back on.
Ben...
- Uh, Benjamin, I'm freaking out. - Oh, really?
Did you just meet your girlfriend's husband?
I'm starting to regret asking Larry to go to this wedding with me.
He wants me to match my dress to his cummerbund.
Tom Stevens and I are still married.
- Okay, your thing is bigger. - Okay, your thing is bigger.
Some sort of clerical error.
That's why Tom was trying to get in touch with me.
This was not how phase two was supposed to go, Larry.
So Ben just surprised me in my office.
I went to surprise her in her office.
- And she was there with this guy. - And there I was with Tom.
- So I just took off. - So Ben just took off.
All right, all right, we'll just find Ben and explain what happened.
You know what, you need to go marry someone else really fast.
- Are you okay? - Thanks, Larry.
- I'm nervous about tonight. - I'm nervous about tonight.
Don't take this the wrong way, but you don't look disgusting tonight.
Let me remind you why you are here.
It is so that my new stepmom doesn't think I can't get a date.
Mm-hmm, let me remind you
that I am here because I love weddings.
And all things wedding-related, okay... i.e. bridesmaids.
It's just that everyone here is so old.
Oh, except for her.
Nope, she's old too, never mind.
- Dad! - Hello. How are you?
- You look so handsome. - Thanks for being here.
- Dad, this is Larry. - Well, nice to meet you, son.
Connie has told me next to nothing about you.
Don't.
But I would have to say right off the bat,
you remind me of a young Ulysses S. Grant.
And believe me, that is a compliment.
Well, excuse me, here's my brother.
I better go get his car keys before he starts...
- I like him. - I know, my dad's awesome.
- Yeah. - He's not the problem.
Oh, God, here comes the problem.
Oh, gosh, Connie, what won't you wear pants to?
I'll take another vodka gimlet.
Oh, Penny, this is my date, Larry.
Yeah, hi, and what a pleasure it is to meet you.
Nice to meet you, Gary.
Connie, there's a brush in my purse if you need it.
And you need it.
Hey, Val, good to see you!
Are you kidding me?
What... What... What just happened there?
I thought I would enjoy watching someone put you in your place,
but that was just unsettling.
That's like watching that video where the bears play hockey
and you kinda think it's funny at first,
and then you just feel bad for the bears.
Look at my dad, Larry.
Do you see how happy he is?
I just want this to be a nice night for him.
So the only thing that you have to do is don't rock the boat.
Fine, yeah, message received, okay?
Clarification.
Would my lewd dance moves...
be considered boat rocking?
Yeah.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Can I come in? - Sure.
Is it, um, Mrs. Stevens?
Ben, I know you're upset, and I totally understand.
You should have told me, Kate.
And I would have. I didn't even know.
Tom and I dated in high school.
We were at Niagara Falls for our senior trip,
and someone just dared us to get married.
People do stupid things when they're that close to Canada.
Well, I think you and I have different definitions
of the word "stupid."
To me, stupid is accidentally eating cat food,
which I have never done.
We thought we got it annulled the next morning,
and then Tom found out a month ago there was some sort of clerical error.
So technically you and I, mister,
have been having an affair.
So that's kinda sexy, isn't it?
Okay, not sexy.
Ben, I'm sorry.
I know, it was nothing, right? I guess I just got a little freaked out
when I saw the handsome, topless guy you were married to,
but now I am all good.
It's fine.
Thank you.
You know what would make it more fine?
If a handsome top-wearing lawyer would help make me a divorcee?
Okay.
I'll call Larry, he's got a lot of great tops.
Oh, the dance floor is a privilege, not a right.
Somebody should tell Penny that.
I don't know what my dad sees in her.
I don't know, between the vodka breath
and the bang-on Cruella de Vil impression,
what's not to love?
I'm probably gonna regret saying this,
but I'm actually glad I invited you.
I'm not having a horrific time myself, so...
Oh, God, she's looking over here.
- We're doing this. - Oh, are we?
- Oh, yeah. - Oh, boy, okay.
I cannot be held responsible for what happens to you out here with me.
- I'll take my chances. - All right.
- Do you wanna let me lead? - You know how to dance?
Tap, ballet, modern.
Little bit of square.
I'm impressed.
- Really? - Uh-huh.
- How about now? - Whoo!
Mmm... Whoa!
Well, I guess it's show-off hour on the dance floor.
Now I understand why you wore the pants.
Oh, come on, chicken neck.
Come on, vodka face.
- Mm-mmm. - Clown make-up.
- Go, be Connie. - No, I'm gonna get a drink.
Get used to hearing that.
What is your problem with Connie?
Excuse me?
She's not gonna say anything because she loves her dad.
But I will, okay? You are being extremely rude.
I guarantee if you gave her a shot you would like her,
because she is smart, and funny,
she's got this great laugh
that just sort of falls out of her face, you know?
I like her hair, 'cause... What am I talking about?
- What are you talking about? - You should be nicer.
And while you're at it, maybe lay off the polka dots.
Because you look like a jockey.
You have officially ruined my rehearsal dinner.
Come on, Penny, the jockey thing could be a compliment.
Those guys are adorable.
How is that not rocking the boat, Larry?
I ask you to do one thing,
just one thing, and you screw it up.
- To our first marriages. - And to our first divorces.
- Thank you, Ben. - Oh, any time.
Although, yeah, let's not do it again.
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
I saw your mom the other day at the Stop n' Shop,
she had, like, 200 coupons.
I had to get out of the line.
You've met Cloris, right Ben?
I haven't actually, no.
Um, but I am a big coupon man myself,
so I'm sure we're gonna hit it off like gangbusters.
Larry, hey.
This is Tom, Kate's soon-to-be ex-husband.
- You're very handsome. - Thank you.
- Mm-hmm. - Um, I should go.
Oh, I forgot to ask you, who's your fiancée?
Ah, you know her, it's Laura Marcus.
Laura Marcus? I'm so sorry, I did not...
No, it's all right. I know, I hated her. And she hated me.
We fought all the time.
But I guess you don't argue that much
unless there's something underneath it.
Oh, excuse me.
Speak of the devil.
Hey, Laura.
I said I'd take it out when I get home, God!
You know, I gotta, uh... I gotta take off, too.
What do you mean? You just got here.
Yeah, I'm, uh...
I'm gonna go find Connie.
- I don't know what that was. - What the hell just happened?
Aah.
- Hey, Dad. - Hi.
I'm sorry.
I hope Larry didn't ruin the night. Is Penny okay?
Oh, she's fine.
No, there's nothing you can do or say to Penny
that a few shrimp and gimlets can't fix.
Wow, from this distance it almost looks like she approves of my outfit.
She doesn't.
Can I ask you something?
- She's not always like this. - Okay, good.
She knows just how important you are to me.
And, you see, that makes her nervous every time she's around you.
So she's usually nicer.
No, she's not nice.
No, the truth is, I haven't met anyone
since your mom passed,
that challenges me the way Penny does.
She keeps me on my toes.
And I don't know about you,
but I don't think I would have any fun
in a relationship that was easy or "supportive."
So where'd General Grant go?
Somebody gave me... Where is it?
A $50 bill.
And I want to hold this up against his face.
Is that not him?
He left.
I'm sorry that he insulted Penny.
Well, you know, I don't think that's really what he was doing.
I think it was more he was defending you.
- Mmm. - Oh, come on.
If you found a boy who actually likes
that weird laugh of yours,
and he looks like one of our greatest presidents...
I say hold on to that puppy.
- He said he liked my laugh? - Yes, and your hair.
He said he liked your laugh and your hair, and...
I can't remember, I grew up in the '60s.
I'm sorry to just drop in on you like this, Tiffany.
It's okay.
I'm actually looking for Connie, which is crazy.
Um, are you okay?
Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
What could be wrong, that I'm getting divorced?
That I wasted the best years of my life?
- You're 25. - Exactly.
And I'm going to die alone.
Hey, hey, listen to me.
No, no, women like you do not just die alone, okay?
That's ridiculous.
That would be like America embracing soccer.
It's never going to happen, okay?
So I wish Ben would just drop it.
Oh, I'm so happy you came over.
- Yeah. - You always make me feel better.
Oh, okay.
So, um, earlier this afternoon
you came by my office with a present in your hand.
No, I'm totally not asking you to give it to me,
but you know how much I love presents.
So can I please have my present?
Oh, Kate, that actually was a present for me.
Yep, that I wrapped up for myself.
Why? Because I'm worth it.
It was a key to my apartment.
What?
I was going to ask you to move in with me.
But I didn't know if it was appropriate
in front of your husband.
And now I'm just, um...
I'm feeling like maybe I've been rushing through things.
And I have loved every bit of it, Kate.
But maybe before we move forward,
we should go back and catch up on
some of the stuff we missed, you know?
Okay.
Um, so what does that mean?
Well, it means how about we start from the beginning?
For some people, bad timing can actually be a good thing.
It can get you going down an even better road
than the one you've been on.
I'm Ben.
I'm Kate.
For others, if your timing is off even by seconds,
it can set you back years.
Ta-da!