(CROWD CLAMORING)
Hey, hey, what's going on? Is this, like, a riot or something?
A riot. No, it is a celebrity sighting.
He's a world record holder. Very famous. Come.
Oh, there he is. The fingernail guy.
No, no, no. That's just a guy with long fingernails.
Oh. Then, who's the record holder?
It's kind of hard to tell where he's pointing.
Oh.
Gupta, what are you doing?
Oh, he's got the longest mustache in the world. I want a souvenir.
Morning.
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
Now there's going to be a riot.
Sir? I was hoping you could approve my vacation request.
Oh.
Ah. A two-week honeymoon.
That's like a 14 day bone-a-thon.
Bone-a-thon? Is that some filthy American slang?
No. No, it's... It's just, um...
The emotions when you're in love are more than skin deep.
It goes all the way to the bone.
And marriage isn't a sprint,
it's a marathon. So, when you combine
the deep emotions with the marathon,
that's how you get the bone-a-thon.
I like that.
It sounds beautiful.
Just make sure you stay hydrated.
Um, so, did you guys plan on where you're going yet?
I have it all figured out. We are going to Goa.
(GASPS) The beaches there are so beautiful.
Which resort are you staying at?
We are staying at my uncle's house to save money.
He's a bellhop at one of the finest resorts in the area.
He'll sneak us into breakfast, sneak us to the pool...
All we have to do is wear white coats
and fold the occasional towel.
Rajiv, Vimi is going to remember this forever.
And even if you don't have money to spend,
you can still do something romantic.
Just the two of us, floating down the river,
looking up at the stars, planning our lives together.
Sounds like a real bone-a-thon.
(STIFLES LAUGHTER)
(TODD CLEARS THROAT)
(LAUGHING)
That's totally inappropriate.
Uh-oh. That's a habanero.
The hottest pepper in America. I suggest you walk away.
(LAUGHS)
(EXHALES)
(LAUGHS)
(DINGS BELL ON CLOCK)
I don't even need the milk.
Your turn.
Oh, no. Not again.
What are they doing?
They're playing pepper roulette.
But don't even try to pick a winner. Everybody loses. Especially the janitor.
Charlie, no. No, no, no, no, no. Don't do it.
That's one of our ghost peppers.
The strongest pepper in the world.
Think of your bumhole.
It's been through worse than this.
As a friend, I'm telling you don't eat it.
There's no way an American can handle the heat.
I'm not doing this for me.
I'm doing this for every American who ever gets sent
to a foreign country to run a call center
and finds himself in a pepper-eating contest with a local.
God bless America.
(GROANS)
Okay.
Oh.
(GAGGING) Oh.
(RETCHING)
Drink the milk. Don't be a hero. You don't want to throw up on your suit.
Hey, why are you wearing a suit, Charlie?
(STRUGGLING TO SPEAK)
All-American Hunter is going out of business.
Oh. I'm so sorry, man.
No, it's okay.
I've got a job interview to manage a call center
at Sultry and... Silky and Sultry Lingerie. I got it.
(BELL ON CLOCK DINGS)
Charlie, do you know anything about lingerie?
Unfortunately, my mom would drink too much
and not wear a robe, so I know what works and what doesn't.
(STOMACH GURGLING) Oh, God, it burns.
There's a bathroom down the hall to the...
Oh, he's not going to make it.
Thank you for saving my spot, Madhuri.
There are people waiting in line.
You can't just come in and take...
I'll take one and give one to the lady.
Thank you, Rajiv.
(WHISPERING) Two checks.
Would you care for some fresh goat milk?
Two new goats, Rakesh? Business must be booming.
Well, I got a loan for the business.
What bank would give you a loan?
No bank. An American charity called Karmic Cash.
They help out small business owners that need money to survive.
Check out this website. Hmm?
This is brilliant. They finally made white guilt accessible to the whole world.
I wonder if they could help pay for my honeymoon.
Rajiv, you can't do that.
That money is for people who are struggling to get by.
Good point, Madhuri. I'll make up a fake business.
I just need to make it sound really sad and pathetic.
Maybe after work, you can tell me about your life on the streets.
I'm not from the streets.
Okay, fine. You can tell me about growing up in the orphanage.
I have a family that loves me.
That is the level of commitment I need for my lie.
Hey, Charlie.
How did your job interview go?
Well, I started strong.
Bikinis, cheekies, garters, hip-huggers, G-string, thong.
I know your whole catalog like the back of my hand.
Well, you're certainly prepared for our meeting.
Oh, believe me, I know women's undergarments.
Like you, for instance. I'm guessing minimizer, flat panel front.
That would be the right call for a gal your size.
Oh, no. Don't take that the wrong way.
It's no big deal.
You know, I wear compression shorts to hold in my gut.
See?
I just insulted you and pulled down my pants.
I'm not getting the job, am I?
Any chance you're loving this?
No.
You know, you could have just told me, Charlie.
Todd, I don't know what I'm going to do.
Well, you can start by pulling up your pants.
There are no management positions in any of the call centers.
Hell, there aren't any positions at all.
Well, you must have some savings, right?
Not so much. I've got a lot of expenses.
I have my food shipped from America. There's my gun collection.
Plus, my birthday's tomorrow, and I just splurged on night vision goggles.
Why would you buy night vision goggles?
I like to watch things at night when people don't know I'm there.
I'm sorry if that's creepy for you.
Okay. Well, I'll keep, uh, an eye out for any job openings.
Todd. Todd. Have a seat.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I hate to ask you.
But is there anything at your call center?
No.
No. No.
Just going to personalize my desk.
Oh, yeah. Go for it.
(SIGHS)
Paperweight.
Mmm. Nice month.
Relax, it's a staple gun.
(GASPS)
Letter opener.
You know, most people just have good luck charms and stuffed animals.
Oh, I have a good luck charm.
Rabbit's foot.
And here's the rest of him.
Oh, my God.
It's the first thing I ever shot.
Not a pretty kill, but you know...
What can you expect from a four-year-old?
(PHONE RINGING)
Mid-America rabbit eye. How can I help you?
Gupta, you want a snack? Take it in the break room.
This is not your living room.
Manmeet.
Asha, stop making the milkshakes.
All the boys are already in the yard.
Excuse me? This is a workplace.
Not the chicken ranch.
I still don't get it.
Hey, Charlie?
Uh... You're a little out of line.
You're not the manager here. I am.
I'm just trying to help out. Well,
you shouldn't be the one telling people what to do. It undermines my authority.
I feel like that is kind of my thing.
Look, I'm doing you a favor.
Your job is to answer the phones. Answer the phones.
Uh, I have a caller who wants to talk to a manager.
I've got it.
Right. Answer the phones.
Manmeet.
I know. Back to work.
No, wait. I just want to talk. Dude. Bro. Ho... Homey.
What do you want, Rajiv?
It's nothing, really.
I just need to take a picture of you dressed as a tiffin delivery boy.
You're just like that German tourist. You sick bastard.
No, please.
(STAMMERING) I need your help.
I can't get a loan for my honeymoon,
so I'm trying to trick a charity into paying for it.
What are you paying me? Nothing.
I'm asking you for a favor.
Oh, the German tourist offered me 5,000 rupees and a game of Rubba-Dubba.
Please.
I would do it myself, but I cannot take the chance
that my future father-in-law will see my picture online.
I'm not the right guy, anyway. You need someone people feel sorry for.
You need the most pathetic person you can find.
I can't believe it. Employee of the Month.
I'll be the first one in the calendar.
Sure, you will. A little to the left.
Left. Huh?
A little more. A little more.
I'm not loving it.
Would you mind if I fixed you a little? Oh, no, no, no, no. Please.
Why should I wear a hat?
I'm going to look like a tiffin delivery guy.
Not sad enough.
What if I told you there was no bonus for being Employee of the Month?
What if I lied? But I already spent it.
That's the stuff.
Hmm. Hold, please. Hey, Boss.
I've got a customer on the line who needs to talk to a manager.
This is Todd. How can I help you?
Yes, we ship anywhere in the U.S.
Your phone operator should have told you that.
Hang on while I transfer you to another one right now.
Charlie.
It says on the catalog we ship anywhere in the U.S.
Yeah, but I wasn't sure if that was only contiguous,
and I didn't want to over-step my bounds.
After all, I just answer the phones.
I know what you're doing.
And I know what I'm doing.
I've been managing call centers for the last decade,
training hundreds of phone operators.
Okay.
Well, let me ask you this.
If you were managing here and you had to deal with someone like yourself,
how would you do it?
I'd listen to his ideas because he's got a world of experience.
Well, you have been doing this a lot longer than I have.
So, whenever you have something that you want to run by me,
I'm all ears. That's great. Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I've got a million of them.
Gift certificates for the top salesman.
Okay.
Put all the desks facing each other to create more competition.
Mmm-hmm.
Final exam, teeth falling out, Debbie Butler naked.
Oh, sorry. This is also my dream journal.
Oh. Some dreams about you.
I'm straight, but it happens.
It was beautiful.
We were flying over the Grand Canyon.
We were holding hands, but nothing, you know,
like you know... It's alright.
That's it for now. Yeah.
Yes, my darling, Vimi.
I am in the process of planning the most amazing honeymoon.
Oh, hold on. That's my other line. Hello?
Mr. Gidwani, this is Marcy Donovan from Karmic Cash.
Hello. What can I do for you, good madam?
I'm calling to let you know that we have accepted your application.
That is the most wonderful news.
I will be able to feed all 10 of my children.
Your application said you had nine kids.
It's been a long week.
Okay. Well, I just have to meet you in person to verify your business.
I know it's insulting, but we've had some fraudulent applications in the past.
Really?
That makes me sick to my little empty belly.
Any chance we could do this by phone?
No. We need to meet in person. That's not a problem, is it?
I am not dressing up as a tiffin delivery man again.
I respect your moral standard,
but I believe you have a price. Name it.
You have to actually make me Employee of the Month.
And I want my picture on the wall so everyone knows it's me.
Okay. Or what if I made you employee of the year with no picture,
and I'm the only one who knows?
A whole year!
I'm just saying, I think he'd be perfect for Koala Airlines.
Seriously? Charlie working for me?
You want me to hire someone who's infatuated with me?
No. No, he's over you. He doesn't even ask for pictures of you naked anymore.
Really? So, he's just given up?
He's not stalking someone else, is he?
(AIR HORN BLARES)
Oh. What... What is that?
Uh, that looks like it's coming from your office.
(AIR HORN BLARING)
Hey! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell is going on, man?
This is one of my incentive ideas.
Every time you make a sale, you get to toot your own horn.
(AIR HORN BLARES)
I just sold a dozen cans of silly string!
(AIR HORN BLARES)
Yes, if I could just take your credit card. (AIR HORN BLARES)
Sorry. (AIR HORN BLARES)
Gupta. (AIR HORN BLARES)
Stop that! (AIR HORN BLARING)
Gupta!
I can't hear myself think!
Okay. Alright. Everyone, take five.
Asha?
I'm sorry if I frustrated you.
You know, Gupta, sometimes, I think that you just don't
consider other people's... (AIR HORN BLARES)
Are you out of your mind?
Ringing a bell when you make a sale is a classic. I just updated it.
No one can hear what they're doing.
This is the worst idea ever. Charlie, this isn't working.
Okay. So, we won't do the air horns.
No. I mean this isn't working.
ALL: Happy Birthday, Charlie!
(AIR HORN BLARES)
ALL: Oh.
(SIGHS)
Hey, Charlie.
Sorry that didn't work out.
Nothing to apologize for.
I was trying too hard or something.
You shouldn't be drinking alone on your birthday. Come on, man.
Let's go out and celebrate. Celebrate what?
I got nothing.
No wife, no kids, no career.
I'm doing the job I did 20 years ago. I'm going backwards.
Look.
This... This is just a fork in the road, man.
You know, I read somewhere that most men go through, like,
five careers in their lives.
I'm way past that.
I've worked at Blockbuster, Pizza Hut, Taco Bell,
combination Pizza Hut-Taco Bell.
I was a security guard.
I had one amazing night as a Chippendale's dancer.
(LAUGHS)
I got fired, but not before I invented the helicopter.
It's where I swing it around. Yeah. I get it.
Of course, my first job, phone sales.
So, I'm right back where I started.
You know what?
I think you're just depressed because it's your birthday.
I could die tomorrow and no one would even know who Charlie Davies was.
No one will remember me.
You'll be remembered.
Think of all the women you hit on.
People always remember traumatic events.
That all you got?
Yeah.
(RAJIV MOUTHING) GUPTA: So, Miss Donovan,
if Karmic Cash can help me get a loan,
I will be able to afford a scooter and deliver twice as many of these tiffins.
It will be a blessing for me and my family.
Well, judging from what I've seen here today, Mr. Gidwani,
there's no reason why you shouldn't be on our website.
(EXCLAIMS) That's great!
Uh... So, thank you for your time.
But I really should be getting back to work. So...
Oh, good. You know, I was wondering how
you balance all of those on a bicycle.
And now I'll get to see.
Oh.
I'd love to show you,
but there are no deliveries on Wednesdays.
Oh. I thought you said you had to get back to work.
Bookkeeping day?
Get on the bike, Mr. Gidwani.
No problem.
I just have to...
(MUTTERING NERVOUSLY)
Yes. Yes!
Oh, yeah.
Oh. I just have to maintain my balance
and keep my back straight. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
(CLANGING AND CLATTERING)
(EXCLAIMS)
(YELLS)
As you can see, I need that scooter ASAP.
This bike is a death trap!
(EXCLAIMS)
Enough, Mr. Gidwani. You're obviously not a tiffin delivery man.
And you can forget about getting a loan.
Wait, please. I am Rajiv Gidwani.
Rajiv, you're going to blow this.
This man has stolen my identity and is trying to steal my business.
All right. Then you get on the bike.
Okay, here's the deal. I am marrying an extraordinary woman,
but I can only afford an ordinary honeymoon.
With your help, I can make it as special as she is.
Please. Miss Donovan, haven't you ever been in love?
All I want to do is provide my Vimi with the most spectacular bone-a-thon of all time.
Ugh!
Ugh.
Bikinis, cheekies, garters, hip-huggers, G-string, thong.
Believe me, I know women's undergarments.
I'm qualified to work here.
I'm sorry. I get all of my resumes from Monster. com.
Charlie. Charlie! Charlie.
I know how you can be remembered.
What are you doing? The work day is not over yet.
He's going for the world record. Who?
Come on, Charlie. You can do it. Just two more.
(GROANING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
One more, brother!
Charlie, you can do it! This is the last one.
Eat it! Eat it!
What's wrong? You okay?
(ECHOING IN DISTANCE) Are you okay?
(ECHOING) Hello, Charlie. CHARLIE: Who are you?
I'm you in the future.
Oh. I look good.
Yes. We do look good.
And you know why?
Because you didn't give up. You ate the pepper,
which made you famous. Which made you wealthy.
Which finally made you desirable to women like Suzanne.
This is Sue. This is Anne.
Together, they make Suzanne.
Is that my wife?
That's up to you. Suzanne doesn't like quitters.
Charlie. Charlie! Are you okay?
This is for Suzanne!
What did he say?
I think he said, "This is for The Sudan."
That's so thoughtful.
(ALL CHEERING)
(CROWD CHANTING) Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!
Yeah, that's right. I'm the pepper guy.
(CHUCKLING)
Hi. Oh. Picture? Okay.
Anyone need a breast signed?
I'm not picky.
GUPTA: Charlie?
Yeah. Charlie?
Huh? Come, come.
Some guy is trying to beat your pepper-eating record.
What, already? Uh-huh.
Right over there. See it?
How many has he eaten?
Uh, one more and he ties your record.
Well, records were meant to be broken. Ah.
But not today.
Hey, buddy, you got something in your eye right there.
(CRYING OUT IN PAIN)
Still the king!
(CROWD CHEERS)
(CROWD CHANTING) Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!