'Ladyboys!'
Just do it, kiss him. What if I felt something?
Isn't that what he's after?
When you were together, you fought
like cat and... Dog, yes, I know.
But I miss the... Pussy, I know.
Are you not intimidated by my expansive bosom
and whorey performance? I wouldn't shag Robyn.
I wouldn't put my knob in.
She doesn't get it throbbin'.
You felt something, didn't you?
♪ All we wanna do is oh!
♪ All we wanna do is uh-oh!
♪ Love me, love me!
♪ All we wanna do is oh!
♪ All we wanna do is uh-oh!
♪ All we wanna do is... ♪
I wish I had a telly in here.
Hey Ollie. Ah, Jas!
I knew you'd be round tonight. So, do you fancy a little sexeroo?
Er, no! I've come to get the rest of my things.
Are you sure you want to take all those?
Well, you don't wear them, do you?
Uhh... No. Look, Jas, about earlier.
When we kissed, I thought I was in. "In". How very romantic(!)
What did you expect me to say?
"I thought I was going to get me some pussy". Why did you do that accent?
Er, because I can! I can also do Scandinavian.
I thought I was going to get me some pussy, ya.
Very good, Ollie(!) Listen, it's over, I thought you understood.
But I know you felt something when we kissed.
I didn't mean to, my hand slipped!
Then it slipped a bit more,
and went round and made that grabby claw thing...
Emotionally! You felt something emotionally.
Well, of course I felt something emotional because of our history.
Because of our history, you felt chemistry?
I suppose. Excellent.
So now are you ready for some biology? You're such a knobhead.
Just keep away from my Petri dish. Some physics then? Geography? French?
Home Economics?
Home Economics?! Yes.
Let me throw together a simple batter, sprinkle it
with chocolate drops and rub it across your boobs. No!
Then you rub it across my boobs then... Look...
I've been drinking a lot recently.
Listen, Ollie, as a couple, we just don't work.
We're friends, so just drop it now, OK? OK?!
OK. Good!
Jas, please don't take those. They're Jezza's favourites.
All right, come on then,
who are you?
Right, I don't want a sweetie, I don't want to see your puppies,
and I don't want to suck your cock!
What I do want to do is listen to my tunes. Thank you.
As you know, intake is down for next year.
We have to find a way of attracting more students. Camp fires!
Camp songs! Camp dances! You know, big camp things.
Yes, I do know a big camp thing. Oh, you must introduce us.
Any more ideas, Wilberforce?
Let me see. A bear trap? Or a huge net.
What about a commercial? A commercial would be very expensive.
Much more expensive than a net. Even a big net.
Not if we get the students to make it. Of course! The students.
Oh, Jane you're so clever. And beautiful.
I wish I could curl up into your hair...ry minge.
Yes!
It can be a competition.
We'll let them use cameras from the film unit, and the prize can be
ã500, and the chance to see their work in the local cinema.
That is so brilliant. I know!
Let us celebrate my brilliance through the medium of mime.
Oh, my God! I'm in a box! Oh, look! So am I!
I'm walking through the wind! I'm walking down these stairs!
I'm taking the elevator! Beep!
Jane! Where are you?!
ã500! Imagine what we could do with that.
We could get 500 items from the 99p shop.
With 500 pence left over for penny sweets. Good, Matt.
His maths is really improving.
ã500. Split between the six of us, that's...
ã3.50 each! It comes and goes.
No, Matt, it's... Ssh. Yes, Matt, ã3.50 each.
Right, so are we going to enter?
Yeah, I can finally get that new duvet set.
What's wrong with the old set? It's rigid with cum.
How lovely(!)
Right, so we've got one week to shoot the commercial
before the screening next Monday.
Now, I think the first thing we need to decide on is an angle.
Any suggestions? Oh, I know! Yes, Chloe. 180 degrees. Ha!
IRONIC COMIC RINGTONE
Sorry. I got...a text.
Why don't we do something showing off the sports facilities,
with lots of shots of lovely me riding a bike and roller-skating.
It's an advert about college, Jas, not tampons.
Tampons.
♪ Wooh-ooton College!
♪ Wooton College for you! ♪
Ah, I think it's obvious what we should do.
Oh, yes, and what's that? Two words. Me and rapping. That's three words.
And it's back!
♪ Yo yo yo ladies Mr K is in the house
♪ Wiki, wiki, wa wa, badap! ♪
Oh, God.
♪ I'm Mr K, I'm suave and slick
♪ I've got a sexy body and a ten-inch dick
♪ So if you're a chick who wants a piece of the action
♪ There's only one place to get satisfaction
♪ Wooton College on the Abingdon Road
♪ It's where all the girls come to receive my load
♪ The lessons are easy you can answer back
♪ And every lunchtime I'll fill your crack
♪ Balamory! ♪
Moving on.
Well, I'm a big believer in honesty's the best policy. No, you're not.
That's a total lie. Or need I remind you of your bindiscreet bincident?
Ooh, what's this? I like to get my teeth into some juicy gossip.
Is that a euphemism, Robyn Crisp? What for? Dirty, dirty lesbian activity.
You know, Chloe, it's comments like that make me wonder
if you're a little Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit yourself.
How dare you?! I would never dream
of refusing a cream horn in favour of a raspberry slice!
You were saying, Jas?
So, basically, I bonked Ollie's driving instructor,
and now Ollie will not stop going on about it.
Who can blame me? I was hurt. Oh, boo hoo! Ollie was hurt!
How do you think I felt when you tried to bang our French teacher?
Stop it! I hate it when Mummy and Daddy fight.
This is all very well,
but are you two seriously going to be able to work together?
Of course, we can work together. We're both mature adults.
What's your plan, Jas in my pants?
Why don't we do the commercial in the style of a docudrama?
A day in the life of a student at Wooton College during a
typical day at Wooton College.
Snappy title(!) Actually, I think that's a great idea.
Thank you, Ollie.
Though mention the word "bincident" again and I will rip your liver out.
OK, Jas.
All those in favour say aye. ALL: Aye.
Excellent.
This really will show me off to the best of my bestness.
Now, I will need somebody to iron my shirts,
my own dressing room, of course.
And a bowl of M&M's with all the M's removed.
All in favour of it not being about Ollie say, aye. ALL: Aye.
Oi! Yay!
Well, who is going to be the star?
Well, there's a simple answer to that.
Who leads the most colourful college life?
♪ Wiki, wiki, wa wa, me. ♪
All right, peeps. I'm Darren Karrimor and I'm a student at Wooton College.
I'm here to welcome you to the best college on the planet!
My average day's divided up in a number of ways.
A big part of it, of course, is lessons. Maths, geography, art.
These are just some of the subjects that I've skived off.
This morning, however, it's English which is always fun.
I've got rid of two teachers this term
and today I'm working on a third.
All right, Mr No-Cock. My name is Mr O'Cock. Yeah, sure, Mr No-Cock.
Shut up. So, are you called Mr No-Cock because you actually have no cock?
Darren. If you make one more suggestion that I've got no cock,
I won't be responsible for my actions, do you understand?
All right.
Agh! In a minute he'll probably show us his cock.
And that's how I get teachers fired.
Most days, I've got to see the principal, Mrs Jane Reed.
Usually it's to get punished, but sometimes it's just for sex.
All right, Biatch. Darren, get in here.
She does like her privacy when we're intimate, so I'm just going to get... all right!
I hate Marmite.
As well as lessons a big part of college life is what
Biatch likes to call other-half activities, music drama and, of course, art.
Sport's also very important
so twice a week I come down to watch my favourite.
Girls' volleyball.
So there we are, peeps.
Come to Wooton College where anyone can get an education. Even me!
We should never have let DK star in it.
We can't hand that into the principal. Why not?
That wasn't an advert. That was a badvert! Ha!
IRONIC COMIC RINGTONE
Sorry, love.
I don't know what you're talking about. I thought I came across really sexy.
DK, why are you so proud of being...
Sexy? With these buttocks, who wouldn't be?
No. A maladjusted psychotic sociopath. A what? A twat.
I find that very harsh.
Oh, and how, pray tell? How is that harsh?
You're a sad little attention seeker who's wasted everyone's time.
Really? I have to agree. Matt? I have to agree, too.
If I don't, Chloe will sand me.
Right, well, if you all hate me that much, then I'll just leave.
Do you really all find me that much of a waste of time?
ALL: Yes.
That's it, then, isn't it?
I'll be off...
All on my own.
Poor little DK. Oh, bugger off. All right, fine, bye.
Do you think he'll be all right?
Of course he'll be all right. He's always all right. He's like a cat. He has nine lives?
No. He pisses on everything to mark his territory. Still, I'm concerned.
Well, don't be, you dirty lesbian. We have work to do.
Guys, I know you're annoyed, but I think I'd better check on him.
So, if we can't enter this commercial, we have to make a new commercial.
No shit, Sherlock. Who's Sherlock? Holmes.
You mean, he's an estate agent?
Oh, for God's sake. We have to think, what are we going to do?
I think we've learned that at Wooton College honesty is the WORST policy.
We need an advert that's aspirational.
Something that's about us, but better.
That might be difficult. You can't get much better than me. Yeah, right Mr Boiled-Ham Head.
I do not have a boiled-ham head. You do, Ollie. And you're weird.
How am I weird? Oh, sorry, Ollie, you're not weird.
You're not weird at all. Oh, what's this that I've found?
Could it be a life-size cutout of Jeremy Clarkson? We're friends, OK?
Friends...or lovers?
Look, sometimes I get lonely.
Anyway, you can talk, you slag! Look, Ollie, I've you told you.
It was one driving instructor. One!
Oh, there's an argument that'll stand up in court.
I killed one person, your honour. One!
Listen to you pair. Robyn was right, you can't work together.
We can work together, you ginger-titted freak!
Huh, Matt, did you hear that? Yes, it was funny.
It most certainly was not funny! Oh, right! Let's just stop this now, OK?
What a shame you didn't think that when you were shagging Horace behind those bins.
We obviously can't all work together.
So let's just split up into two groups, me and Chlo, Matt and Ollie. Fine.
We'll see you boys at the screening. And may the best sex win.
DK, are you all right? I'm OK, specs on legs.
You mustn't let what them lot said get to you.
It's not your fault you're an annoying attention-seeking twat.
Am I? Your friends were just frustrated, that's all.
Yeah, but...watching that commercial's made me realise
that I am different to everyone else. There's nothing wrong with that.
I'm different to everyone else.
How? Have you got webbed feet, like a duck? No. A feathery arsehole like a duck?
No. A cock, like a duck? With a cock? No.
I'm a lovely lady lesbian.
Oh, well, that's sort of like having a cock, isn't it?
No, and don't be homophobic.
Is it homophobic me thinking about you doing it with Miley Cyrus?
I bloody hope not.
There's that car again. What car? That one. The one I'm pointing at.
Who is he? Don't know.
He followed me to college.
It's probably just a coincidence. Yeah. That or he fancies me.
Who can blame him? I mean, I am sexy.
Listen, DK, people need to be different.
It's what makes life so colourful. Really? That. And Photoshopping.
Tell you what,
I'll show you my candid snaps of Katy Perry later to prove it.
Yeah, maybe you're right, sweetheart.
I just really wanted to win that commercial competition.
The money would mean a lot to me. Then why don't we enter it together?
Us? Yeah. Us - the lesbian and the twat.
I think Jedward have already cornered that market. They're both male.
Good God, really?! I think we'd make a great freaky different team.
Thanks, love. Don't mention it.
It's always a pleasure to give a friend a boost. Here, have a boost
Ooh, chocolate!
It's just you and me now, Chlo. The dream team.
They'll call us J-Chlo, or C-Jas or... The Wheeler Youth.
No. Have you thought of any ideas for this commercial?
Yes, Jas, I have.
Great. I asked myself what would make me go somewhere.
And the answer is, of course, the threat of extreme violence.
All right then. I've already thought of a tag line.
"Come to Wooton College or we'll kill your family." What do you think?
Definitely not. But, Jas, my jingle.
♪ Our College is fun our college is good
♪ Come to Wooton college or get covered in blood! ♪
No.
OK then. How about we round up a load of children...
Oh, for God's sake, Chlo, no! Why are we friends?
I don't know. You just keep calling, to be honest, bitch.
Anyway, what's your idea?
A battle with giant axes and dwarves that just come out and... Shh!
Sex sells, Chlo. Sex sells.
All right, mate?
All our commercial worries are over. I've had a brilliant idea.
Is it to wipe after you've finished? Yes, mate. But also, I like cartoons.
In fact, I've been making amateur cartoons since I was a nipper. How old?
No, I mean, since I used to bite people.
So I stayed up all night making this.
Hello, Ollie. Hello, Matt.
Is that it?
Yes. It's finished. What do you think? You want a straight answer?
Yes, bearing in mind
if you say it's rubbish, I'll kill myself with this hammer.
Oh, what the hell, I won't say it's rubbish. Hooray! I'll say it's shit!
Thanks, mate. Look, I've had a much better idea for our commercial.
Something the girls would never consider.
If you mean extreme violence, that will be Chloe's first port of call.
No. Sex sells, Matt. Sex sells.
Ooh, I like your room. Thanks, love.
Yes, I've always enjoyed the smell of...what is that? Barnacles?
Ah, yeah, that'll be the duvet. I did say it was rigid with cum.
Haven't you heard of Daz?
Yeah, unfortunately Mum keeps snorting it all. You could buy the liquitabs.
We do. That's what's so terrifying about it. Oh, DK...
You could have come to mine, only my parents won't let me
have girls in my room.
Actually, you're... You're the first girl that's ever been in my room.
Oh, we should have sex. Really?! No! Lesbian! All right, how about a kiss then?
I've never kissed a girl before either.
That's all for you.
Sorry, sweetheart.
Now, we have work to do.
Do you have any idea what we can do for our commercial?
♪ Wiki, wiki, wa wa... ♪ No.
How about a film noir expose of modern society's attitude
towards young lesbians?
Phwooar! We could interview some old lesbians for their take on it.
OK. Nothing turns a bloke off quicker than the phrase "old lesbians".
What's that got to do with college, anyway?
Nothing. But I'm not averse to a bit of propaganda.
I just wish we knew like, a big celebrity. Or a cool director.
Like Steven Spielberg or M Night Squelchydingledangledong.
I do have a couple of numbers.
The Crisp family come from a long line of personal trainers
and drug barons.
Mind if I have a ring round? Knock yourself out, sweetheart. I'll just...
I'm just going to... I'll just, er...
I'll leave it. I'll leave it.
Our next commercial is by Jasmine Brown and Chloe Wheeler.
Let's take a look at that.
Studying.
Sport.
Drama.
Music.
Toilets.
Lockers.
Fun. Fun.
Wooton College. We're sausages.
Did you like it, Miss?
No, it was weird and dreadful.
OLLIE LAUGHS Oh, grow up, Ollie.
Ooh, kitty's got claws.
And will you just step out of the closet, Wilberforce? Ha ha ha!
I like her.
Finally, we have Oliver Sinclair and Matthew Cobbett's commercial.
Let's hope for something a bit less pornographic.
Tits.
Tits. Big tits.
Little tits.
Everyone loves tits. Wooton College. It's the tits.
Sex sells! Sssh. Yes...
Clearly, it's going to be very difficult deciding a winner,
because everyone's commercial was...damn terrible.
I'll get the big net. Wait, Miss. DK, Robyn?
If there's still time, this is our commercial.
Well, it can't be worse than "it's the tits".
Stick it in, Wilberforce.
I beg your pardon? The DVD!
Oh! Cheeky, Wilberforce!
I think I deserve a spanking for being such a naughty boy.
PIANO TRACK PLAYS
I'm speechless. I don't think I'll ever wash these eyes again.
I feel sad and happy at the same time.
Like when I'm watching Schindler's List.
That commercial, it made me feel more alive than ever before.
That has inspired me to lose weight and move out of my car.
It was beautiful. All three of my eyes are leaking.
Darren, Robyn, that was wonderful. Well done, both of you.
Thanks, Biatch. I am delighted to tell you that you are our winners.
Here's ã500 to split between you.
Guys, that was amazing.
You deserve the money. You've changed my life. Me too.
Although, how did you get R-Patz in it? Friend of the family.
Angelina Jolie? Friend of the family.
Jodie Foster and Lindsay Lohan? Don't ask...
Thanks, peeps. We couldn't have done it without you.
No, if you lot hadn't started fighting
then we would never have teamed up.
And I wouldn't be sat here now with enough money to buy a new duvet set, and some Daz.
Chloe... Chloe... Yes, Matt. What do you want? Umm...
Have you got any of those delicious looking sausages left?
Only if you apologise. What for? Your lack of loyalty.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, too!
Let us never fight again.
Now, do you promise to agree with every single thing I say from now on?
Yes, Chloe.
Sweet, isn't it? Yeah.
Do you think we'll ever forget our past?
I've forgotten our past. Do you think we'll ever truly move on?
Yeah, I've truly moved on.
Do you think the ocean of time will ever cleanse our...?
Oh, for God's sake, Ollie! I love you and I want you,
but just as a friend!
Well, I love you and want you just as a friend, too.
So, Robyn Red Tits.
Yes, Darren? Tell me more about Miley Cyrus and that time you
scrubbed her down in a bathful of custard.
That never happened. I've got a very vivid imagination.
Oh, shut up, you silly goose. Right, come on, everyone! The sausages are on me!
Wow, that's probably the only time I'll ever say that in my life.
So, Jane. Do you fancy a sausage?
I can provide the mayonnaise.
Ummm... What's that? What?
The elevator! Beep!
There's nothing there... Jane?
Where'd she go?
Oh, look, there's that sports car again.
Someone definitely fancies me.
Oh, my God. Darren?
Dad.
MOBILE PLAYS TUNE Bugger my phone!
Do I look like a geezer who'd take money
off his own flesh and blood?
You look like a geezer who'd take flesh and blood
from his own flesh and blood.
She's got a Twitter account and it's called "My Idiot BF",
and I think it's about me.
I just don't think it's nice.
Well, I don't think licking another lady's chuff is nice,
but you still do it, don't you, Robyn Crisp?
Here you go.
♪ All we wanna do is...oh
Lovely, lovely
♪ All we wanna do is dance
Dance with me... ♪
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk