Mia & Casey's first night apart.
I miss you when you're out of town.
I miss you too.
Let's stay on the phone until we both fall asleep.
Okay.
Ah, it's no fun being alone in the apartment when you're gone.
Aw, honey, you're so sweet.
That's the downside to being a lawyer.
There's a lot of late nights. But it always does
make me remember how much... all right, well, don't let me keep you.
I'm gonna call it an early night, sweetie. Bye! Wait, Ben...
I've got the place to myself... beers, late night cable.
This is gonna be epic.
Baby, you're snoring. Turn over.
Ohh, I could get used to this.
I haven't even left yet.
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How you feeling?
Okay. This guy just loves standing on my bladder.
I have to pee so often, I can barely finish a s...
you know what? I have to pee again.
Honey, um, we were thinking,
with our new grandchild on the way, um,
we need to redo our will.
We were hoping you could recommend a good lawyer.
Uh... yeah.
I know a pretty good lawyer.
You don't need to make it into a game.
What's his name?
Actually, it's a woman.
I don't know if I'm 100% comfortable with that.
Oh, stop it, Joel. We're fine with a woman.
What's her name?
It's me.
"Me"?
Well, that sounds Asian.
I'm a lawyer. I can do your will.
Don't get so emotional.
You see what I'm saying about lady lawyers?
Well, Joel, she does know what she's doing,
and we wanna do it quickly. Maybe this is our best option.
Plus, we paid for her law school.
We might as well get a free will out of it. Oh! I never said I'd do it for free.
Thank you, honey. You are a doll.
And we will see you tomorrow. You guys are leaving already?
Mm-hmm. I have at least eight minutes until I have to pee again.
Bye, Maddie. Bye, kids.
Bye. What are you smiling about? Mom and dad are redoing their will,
and they just begged me to be their lawyer.
Oh. That's great. Yeah.
They're finally gonna get to see me as a professional adult. Why would you want them to see you as an adult?
They see me as a kid, and I love it.
I still get presents from Santa,
and dad gives me 20 bucks every time I go to the movies.
Huh. Who is it?
It's my ex-girlfriend.
Ohh. Don't answer it. No, it's okay. It wasn't an ugly breakup or anything.
She just moved to California.
Do not answer it.
I haven't talked to her in almost a year.
It might be important. It doesn't matter.
No good can come from answering that phone. Ah, I'm sure it'll be fine.
Hello?
Hey, it's good to hear from ya.
No, it isn't. Don't say that.
Oh, sure, it's no problem.
Okay. Bye.
See? It's fine. I told you.
She's just moving back to the city.
She wants her couch back.
This couch? Yeah.
The couch that Mia's been sitting on for months
is the couch that you and your ex-girlfriend used to sit on?
Yeah.
Did you and your ex-girlfriend ever do...
"Non-sitting stuff" in this couch?
Yeah.
That is gonna be a problem, isn't it?
Yeah. I mean, maybe you don't know this yet,
but the putney girls are crazy jealous.
Who's that?
Oh, uh, Nicole.
Nicole? The girl you dated before me?
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
We're all done with Nicole.
There was a picture of me and kareem Abdul-Jabbar
on that phone.
It's gone forever.
Well, I don't think it's gonna be that big a deal.
I just give Jessica back her couch... Jessica?
Her name is Jessica?
Oh, man, this just keeps getting worse.
Uh, look...
Girls hate girls named Jessica
'cause they are always superhot.
I mean, Jessica Simpson, Jessica rabbit,
Jessica Carmichael.
She was a girl I went to High School with.
Unreal.
I touched 'em once.
Uh, look, it's gonna be fine.
I'll just tell Mia the truth. She'll be mad for, like, a day.
All right, buddy. You let me know how that goes.
How'd that go, buddy? Not well.
So...
I got a call
from...
An ex-girlfriend.
On that phone?
Yeah. Mm.
But, uh, it wasn't that big of a...
If only someone had told you not to pick up that phone.
Oh, wait. Someone did.
I need your help.
I have to give Jessica her couch back, and Mia can't find out.
You've been in a relationship for nine years.
You must've been in situations like this before.
How do I fix this? Well, it's funny you say "fix,"
because I am known in the hotel world
as a little bit of a fixer.
Like, remember Harvey Keitel in "Pulp Fiction"? I'm like him.
The wolf. No, Harvey Keitel.
The wolf was Harvey Keitel's character's name
in "Pulp Fiction." Oh.
Cards on the table, I never saw the movie.
Are you sure you can help me with this?
You tell me.
Two new year's eves ago, a certain county assemblyman,
I can't tell you who... Mitch Friedling...
found himself in my hotel
the same time as his wife, mistress, and boyfriend.
And thanks to the fixer,
his marriage is still intact and a total sham.
I guess that's good?
So... couch has to go away.
Question is, what do we say to Mia?
Just give the fixer a moment to ponder.
How about I buy an identical couch?
Do you think haven't
already thought of and dismissed identical couch?
I mean, there are different scuff marks, different stains,
that new couch smell. Identical couch.
Hey, guys.
Why are you staring at the couch?
I've got it.
Because it has to be moved.
Why?
Because it has...
Termites.
Uh, don't worry.
We're gonna get rid of it this afternoon while you're at work.
Problem fixed. No. This afternoon? Get rid of it now.
Oh, there's no reason it can't stay he until then.
But I don't want termites in my house all day. Yeah, that's a good reason.
All right, well, I guess we will just it outside right now then.
How do you even know there are termites in there?
I work in the hotel industry, okay? I can smell termites.
Yep. Termites.
Put it down right there.
Why did we have to carry this thing eight blocks?
Couldn't we have just left it in front of our house?
Oh, and run the risk of Mia running into Jessica?
You do not want that, believe me.
Maddie met one of my exes once.
You stay away. You hear me?
I don't want to see you around here again.
Next time you want a falafel, you get it uptown!
That was someone I dated in fifth grade.
Okay. I'm sorry.
What's the plan?
Well, it's simple. We'll just sit here,
wait a few hours till Jessica shows up.
It might actually be enjoyable.
What's this? It's a ticket.
No, wait. It's a love note. Eh, thought of the joke too late.
Anyways, you can't dump a couch there.
We're not dumping a couch. We're moving it. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?
Are you writing us another ticket? No, I'm just writing down the joke
so I can remember it next time.
And that's why, for people in your situation,
I would recommend a living trust instead of a standard will.
That sounds very smart.
You know what this reminds me of?
The time you pretended to be a chef
and made mud pies for all your Teddy bears. Ah. Yeah. That's good reminiscing, dad.
But try to think of me not as you daughter but as your lawyer.
I can't even hear what she's saying, she's so cute.
Okay, now I understand that a will is supposed to be
a list of who gets what.
But can we add
who doesn't get what and why?
Mom, let it go.
You can't cut people out of the will
just because they're democrats.
All right, now let's take a look at page two...
Oh, ho ho ho! Look at her little glasses!
She looks like the baby from those stock market commercials.
Joel, we have to... Oh, my God, she does.
All right. This is gonna work great.
Really?
'Cause bringing the couch to your apartment
seems like pretty much the dumbest idea ever. No, it's perfect.
We told Jessica to come get the couch here.
Maddie never comes home during the day.
Maddie, you know, unlike, say, the weather, is predictable. The weather is predictable.
In fact, there is an entire profession
dedicated to predicting it. There's even a channel.
Okay, buddy, you need to relax.
I need to relax? I just carried
an ex-girlfriend's couch 18 blocks and got 2 tickets.
I needed to sit down and rest.
I did not know that cop was following us.
But we're good. Trust the plan.
Dad doesn't take me seriously at all...
Why is our couch here?
Because Ben's never seen "Pulp Fiction."
What's going on?
Jessica's going to be here in four minutes.
Why are you here? It's the middle of the day.
You never come home in the middle of the day.
I had to get some papers for mom and dad's will. Why is our couch here?
In nine years, you've never come home in the middle of the day.
That couch is infested with termites.
Even I can smell them, okay? It shouldn't be here.
Termites? There are smelly termites in my house?
Why are you here? I don't understand.
You shouldn't be here.
That couch shouldn't be here. Why didn't you throw it away?
I know Ben had a reason.
I don't remember what it is. I-I know, uh, Ben had one.
Ben?
Oh! How about this?
We're giving it to charity. Yeah!
Yeah, they fumigate it and they give it
to a poor family that's never had a couch before. Aw, right?
So, you know, you guys don't need to stay.
We got this covered. Actually, Ben, I'd love to get your take
on something going on with my dad. I don't have a take.
Well, let me tell you what's going on. It's okay. I love you.
What? No, I really need your advice about my dad.
He's making me feel like a child. Oh, this sounds like a phone call.
Why don't you go to your office and call me. Huh? Oh, my office.
He'd have to take me seriously if he saw me at my office. Hey! You're welcome!
All right, it is time to leave.
But don't leave now. That's just...
Okay. All right.
I can fix this. I can fix this.
Ben? Ben!
I'm out, man. I'm out.
We gotta tell 'em the truth. It's the only option.
We can't tell them the truth now.
We're in too deep. We could've before, but now it's too late.
I need to lie down.
Is someone gonna answer the door?
Oh, look!
It's Ben's phone
that his ex-girlfriend Nicole called him on earlier today.
What? What?
Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no! No, no, no. Not again! No!
There was a picture of me and Macy gray on that phone.
Did you just lock them out? Yes.
Genius!
We need to keep them out there long enough
for Jessica to take the couch and leave.
Hey, Jessica.
Hi.
Why did you locks on the balcony? How did you get back in?
I had my keys. Who comes home and doesn't put them on the counter?
You're like a prison guard. Who is this?
Oh! It is the charity lady, come to pick up the couch.
What?
Oh, I also have a bag of old shoes for you.
Case, who are these people?
"Case"? Do you guys know each other?
Uh, Mia, this is my...
Ex-girlfriend Jessica.
Your ex-girlfriend.
And her couch.
Your ex-girlfriend's couch was in our house?
So, uh, so when, um, ahem, when we...
Oh, my God.
And after that concert when we... oh, my God!
And her name is Jessica?! Oh, my God!
Jessica, this is my fiancée Mia.
Oh, so you wouldn't marry me, but you'll marry this?
"This"?! Oh!
Ow! My ankle!
Oh, stop your whining. No one feels sorry for a Jessica.
I'm sorry I called you "this."
I would've never said that before moving to L.A.
California changes you, you know?
Well, I'm sorry I hit you with the couch.
What I really wanted to do what hit him.
You are in so much trouble.
You, sir, are no fixer.
Okay, we have to make this office seem
as professional as possible.
I need my parents to think of me as an adult. I understand.
I think of you as an adult,
but not in an adult way that's inappropriate.
And not that much.
Just sometimes... often. I'd say often.
Do you... Ever think about me?
Oh, we have to get this basketball hoop out of here.
Uh, what about your collection of porcelain ponies?
I guess, in some circumstances,
that could be considered childish. Put them away,
along with the mini-brushes I use to comb their tails.
Of course.
Uh, what about your spelling bee trophies? No! I won those as an adult.
Oh, and once they get here, I want you to bring out some tea.
What would you say is the most grown-up tea? Uh, English breakfast.
Breakfast? What, am I just waking up?
This is a business meeting. I'm sorry. Earl grey?
Earl grey! Yes! Oh, perfect, Glen. Oh, I love you.
Ohh! We have to put down these pictures of me as a kid.
Oh, Mrs. putney. Oh.
Please, have a seat.
Where's dad?
He's not coming, honey. Why not? No, he has to be here.
We were gonna go over all the medical stuff today.
Well, the truth is, um...
We have decided not to update the will right now.
Oh. This is dad, isn't it?
He doesn't trust me to do the will
'cause he still sees me as a little kid.
That's why he's not here. No, it was a mutual...
I can't believe him. I've been doing this for a long time,
and I'm very good at it. Why is he so pigheaded? He was just trying to protect you.
Protect me? Protect me from what?
What did you do with those lovely porcelain ponies?
Mom!
Who's ready for some Earl grey
served from a tea set I made for you at color me mine?
Glen, not now.
It's fine, Glen.
She said, "not now." She didn't say, "not ever."
What's going on?
Okay.
Two weeks ago,
your father went into the hospital with chest pains.
What? It turned out to be nothing. He's fine.
It's just an irregular heartbeat.
It's something that's very common in men his age.
Oh, my God. And you know your father. He's...
he's very uncomfortable talking about this kind of thing.
He doesn't want to worry his girls.
So that's why he was acting that way.
He was too scared to talk to me about it.
What is that?
It's Glen crying.
He does it all the time. I have no idea why.
And then to top everything else off, her name is Jessica.
All girls hate girls named Jessica...
even girls named Jessica... they hate themselves.
It's not my fault. She moved to L.A. to be a famous actress.
How was I supposed to know that wasn't gonna work out?
I'm sorry. I should've just told you from the very beginning.
No, you shouldn't have.
Okay, I was doing a pretty good job pretending
that I was the only girl you've ever been with,
and now you've ruined it. Wait, so I shouldn't have told you the truth?
No. You should've just done a better job hiding it, okay?
I was living in a world
where there was no such thing as ex-girlfriends,
and now I can never get back to that world because of Jessica.
You know what? I'm glad her couch has termites.
Well, to tell you the truth,
Jessica was never really my girlfriend.
She was just this crazy woman who glommed onto me.
Really? So you two never dated? No.
Really? Is that true?
No. I was just saying that...
no!
You had it.
Look, you and I have both been with other people.
That's a fact that's not gonna change.
But who cares?
The important thing is that neither of us
is ever going to be with anyone else ever again.
All right.
I guess I can accept that you've had other girlfriends,
but that doesn't mean
I wanna live in a house full of their stuff.
Is there anything else in here
that is connected to one of your exes? How far are we going back?
Because my second grade girlfriend gave me that.
Oh, the frame wi the macaroni glued to it?
Oh, thank God. I thought you made that, like, a year ago.
Okay, look, I have an idea.
Why don't we, uh, why don't we get rid of everything
that's connected to our exes in any way?
Great. Let's do it right now. Okay.
Maybe it's okay to have a few things from our exes.
Yeah,
'cause it'd be great to, you know...
Sit. Yeah.
I don't know why we're here.
I told you I don't want to talk about it. Well, you're gonna talk about it.
Uh-oh. Serious lawyer maddie. Here come the ha-glasses.
Don't joke. It is serious.
It was just a little heart thing and it's fine.
Your mother never should've said anything.
No reason to worry you kids.
Dad, that's the thing. There are no kids, only adults...
adults who care about you and wanna help,
but we can't unless you tell us what's going on.
Okay, fine. I'll tell you every time I have an ache or a pain.
Um, right now my feet hurt,
and my nose is doing that "one nostril's clogged
then an hour later it's the other one" thing.
Look, I know this stuff is scary
and you're uncomfortable talking about it. I am, too.
But I wanna help.
You took care of Mia and me for so long.
Just give us a chance to pay you back.
We should order. Dad, please.
Okay. Okay, I get it.
I won't keep things like that from you anymore.
Thank you.
It's only 'cause I love you, you know.
I know. I know. I love you, too.
You ready to order?
Ye. Uh, orange juice
and a vegetable scramble, please.
I would like two scrambled eggs, potatoes, and bacon.
Fruit. Eggs, potatoes, and fruit.
Oh, God. Is this what you're gonna be like now?
It sure is.
Thanks, honey.
Where do you come down on butter?
A little's okay.
Great! Can you put a little butter on my fruit?
Otherwise, it tastes like nothing.
Sorry.
No, it's okay. I saw her. She's hot.
But I thought you were
crazy melt-my-phone- in-the-microwave jealous. Only about people that you've been with.
I don't care
if you check out a stranger who happens to walk by. Seriously?
Yeah. I mean, you can't help but having eyes.
Plus it's way better than hiding it like maddie and Ben do.
When they find someone attractive,
they try to cover it by saying things like...
Is her skirt made of gingham?
I always wondered what that was.
That's... that's why I was looking at it. It's...
I just hate...
Rugged guys like that.
He probably thinks every girl...
Is looking at me.
She's looking at me, and she wants me.
Hello, pretty.
Sadly, I can only be eye candy because I'm taken.
Put your glasses on, Joel.
It's a mannequin in a store window,
and it's a boy.
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