This is my friend Ben,
and he just fell in love with a girl named Kate,
which is why he's skipping and jumping
and just generally acting like an idiot.
Thank you. Yo!
Took the liberty of ordering us a little hot breakfast.
The rub is I don't have any money to pay for it.
No problem.
Listen, Larry, I am walking on air.
I'm taking Kate out tonight, and if it goes half as well as I think it will,
it'll be the last first date of my life.
I'm sorry about that.
What's the big deal? You already hung out with Kate.
The big deal is you're always there,
Or her friend Connie is there.
Tonight it's just the two of us,
our first proper date,
and the first date is huge, Larry.
It sets the tone for the rest of the relationship.
Ben, there you are.
I'm so sorry. I have to cancel tonight.
Yeah, well, it was a good run, you guys.
Kate, you remember Larry, the large guy that follows me everywhere.
- Hi. - Larry.
I know it's terrible timing, but I just got this urgent work thing.
Oh, that doesn't sound like a lie at all.
No, no, I just...
I closed a lease on the 48th floor,
so I've got to pull together tenant info
and client terms and liability wavers, addendums...
Whoa, that is too boring to be a lie.
I will see you upstairs, all right?
Don't forget to pay.
It's not a lie. I do want to go out.
I want to go out every night.
Well, not every night. I mean, I'm not crazy.
No, it's fine. Don't worry about it.
We'll just, um... We'll pick another night.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
I'm sorry. What about Thursday?
Thursday... Ah.
I have a mandatory dinner with the partners.
Oh.
But I don't have to go to that.
Oh, no, no, it's fine. We'll figure this out.
Um, you know what?
I have work to do,
but I have to eat, and Connie's gonna be out on a date.
Do you want to just come over to my place?
Really?
Oh, my God. No.
Um, I didn't mean it like that.
What... No, I...
That's not... I didn't mean it like that.
I was just, um...
You talk.
Okay, um, so maybe, like, 8:00?
8:00.
- That sounds great. - Great.
I can make my famous rigatoni in vodka sauce.
Ooh, vodka sauce. Perfect.
The only thing I like more
Than eating carbs is getting plastered.
Um...
I don't really have a drinking problem.
# Our love is volatile, chemical #
# Anything but typical #
# I want you badly #
# I love you madly #
Connie, Ben is gonna be here any second,
And he's gonna think that he's dating a pig.
Well, he's gonna find out you're a pig at some point,
so you might as well let him know now.
Please, Connie.
Okay, fine.
- Stand back. - Thank you.
Connie, I need this night to go well.
I want him to like me as much as I like him,
So I need him to think that even though I work really hard,
I'm still kind of together at home,
that my hair just naturally does this,
that I am lactose tolerant.
Wow.
I'm a nanny.
I've mastered the art of sort of cleaning...
Although there's nothing I can do about that.
Is this a bad outfit?
No, I just didn't know it was prom.
Good luck.
Hey, there he is.
Yeah, I took a cab.
I don't know why I told you that.
I don't know why I said, "There he is,"
because... you know where you are.
You guys should have a talk show.
Hey, Connie.
Don't worry, she will be leaving soon.
Oh, that reminds me.
Uh, Larry's gonna stop by to pick up a file.
You told your creepy friend where we live?
Great.
Now I have to hide the Doritos.
Look at all this beautiful food.
I can't believe you went to so much trouble.
Oh, it was no trouble. I had to go to court today,
and there's this little shop down there
where this old lady makes pasta by hand.
They were closed, so I got this at D'Agostino's.
So you had a trial today?
So what is your record in the courtroom, Counselor?
We don't really keep track of... of stuff like that... 28 and 0.
Okay, time to check out all the gunk in my pores.
Look at this, Kate. It's like it tells its own story.
And the end.
Oh, I get it.
We're pretending not to care about our pores.
I'll just leave it on your nightstand.
Please don't.
Mmm, crudité.
Don't you have a...
Connie, what's the E.T.A. on Dale?
You know Dale. He's always late.
It doesn't mean anything. Stop reading into it.
I'm not at all, ever.
Thank God. He's here.
Hi... Ugh.
"Hi... Ugh" to you too.
- I'm here for a file from Ben. - Sure you are.
I know a stalker when I see one.
Said the wicked witch longingly.
Here you go.
I got about three quarters of the way through.
There's some questionable language that you're gonna want to clean up.
- Whoa. I got to clean this up? - Well, it is your case.
Wow. You went there.
Unbelievable. That's fine.
- Good night, everybody. - Good night.
Oh, oh, are you guys watching the Knicks game?
No, it's just on that channel.
I actually have a lot of money riding on this.
- Is it cool if I... - No.
Kate, I need five minutes. I'll leave the instant the game's over.
Of course. Sure.
Oh, yes. Thank you. Thank you very much.
Oh, that's actually good, too,
because, you know, if I have any questions about the file thingy,
you're right here.
Larry, you can't stay.
Remember, first date? Setting the tone?
It's just supposed to be me and Kate.
Well, why does she get to stay?
I am waiting for my date to arrive.
No, really, why does she get to stay?
I'm sorry that he unbuckled his belt.
That's fine.
He's your best friend, and he did say he'd be gone in, like, five minutes.
He says lots of things. "I'll be gone in five minutes.
I'll pay you back. That chair was already broken."
That's like me and Connie. We're close, but we fight.
Not fight fight, tickle fight.
I have work to do.
After I have a glass of wine.
I hate doing paperwork.
There are some parts of being a property manager that I love...
making deals and meeting people
and having access to all the secret tunnels.
- There are secret tunnels? - No. Maybe. Yes.
God, I'm not supposed to tell anybody. I tell everybody.
Well...
Here is to a proper date.
Oh.
Whoopsy. Sorry, Ben.
No, no, no, it's fine. You... you can hardly see it.
Connie, we talked about this, remember?
What did we agree to say every time we opened that door?
- "Coming through." - "Coming through." I knew that.
But if that is too hard to remember,
maybe just don't come in here anymore,
because I don't know if you've heard, but I'm on a date.
Wow, sorry.
I just came in to get my keys,
because I'm sure Dale, who is not yet here,
is probably close to arriving,
and I want to be ready if and when he does.
And thank you for your support.
Ugh.
I'll be in my bedroom.
Oh, I admire your bravery. You know, going in there
with all those sad memories of sleeping alone.
Good point.
I think I'll stay in here and see what's on my TV.
Oh, my God, no. No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, goody! A city council meeting.
Look, they've approved a new playground in Central Park,
another place you can't go within 25 feet of.
Oh, that's clever. That's good.
Okay, I'm asking you nicely.
Can you please put the game back on?
- Fine. - Thank you.
I'm about to win 100 bucks on the Knicks.
I'll bet you 50 they lose.
There's two seconds left on the clock,
We have the ball, and we're up by three.
I would just be taking your money, so you're on.
All right. What? Steal.
No, that's not going in.
That's not... Oh, my God, it went in!
Oh, no! What just happened?
Well, the big guy put the ball through the orange circle
from the center of the shiny floor, I think.
- That's it. - What are you doing?
Why are you taking your shoes off?
Because we're going into overtime.
- Ugh. - You did this to yourself.
Okay, um, first concert?
No. Uh-uh. No, mine... mine was embarrassing.
Mine was too. Okay, let's say it at the same time, on three.
One, two, three.
Cyndi Lauper. Hey!
That is really embarrassing. Wow.
I was kidding. Mine was Nirvana.
I didn't even know who they were.
Connie just dragged me along.
She always knows the best bands before anyone else.
Do you think I was too mean to her?
Her?
You just tricked me into admitting
that my first concert was during the "She's So Unusual" tour.
Connie seems so tough,
but I know she really likes this Dale guy,
and I'm starting to think that he's not coming.
Here I am kicking her out of her kitchen.
I shouldn't be worrying about that.
What was your second concert?
- Go talk to Connie. - Really?
Yes. Dinner can wait.
I will put these in the oven
and tell you about Michael Bolton when you get back.
Thank you.
Oh, come on! You got to be kidding me!
It's looking really good for the red team.
At this rate, I'm gonna be able to pay for my date's dinner.
Just saying you have a date 100 times doesn't make it true.
Oh, he's coming.
- Is he? - Mm-hmm.
I like your confidence.
How about we go another 100 this guy doesn't show?
Because my guess is he was on his way over here, and he realized,
"Oh, my god, I'm going to hang out with Connie,
whatever your last name is,
and decided it would be more fun to drive off of a cliff."
Larry, Connie doesn't need to prove...
- You're on. - Perfect.
- Great. - Mmm.
Larry, do you mind if Connie and I talk for just a second?
Not at all.
All right, then.
What?
Why are you making bets with Larry about your date?
Because I'm on a hot streak.
Connie, I came out to apologize for being so rude before,
and I'm so sorry that Dale is so late.
I don't care about Dale.
All I care about is taking money
from Larry's big, bearish, blue-eyed ass.
Blue-eyed?
I don't know what color his eyes are.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a bet to win.
Connie, what are you doing?
- Oh! No, not Clyde. - Yes, Clyde.
Connie. Hi.
Clyde, I need you to pretend to be my date.
Did you say you wanted to go on a date with me?
Nope. I said I wanted you to pretend to be my date.
That works.
So the iguana...
Oh, right. I'll be right back.
How does my saying, "You're leaving now,"
end up with you inside the fridge?
I know. It's crazy, right?
So, uh, how's the date going?
Could be going better.
Anything I can do to help?
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, uh, boy, let me think about that.
Oh, yeah, actually, no, I know what you could do.
Get the hell out.
Oh, very nice.
You know, Ben, I would love to,
but I have a lot of work to do.
That supposedly "three quarters finished" file you gave me
is a little closer to two thirds finished.
Give me the file. I will finish it in the morning.
- Good-bye. - No can do.
I got a little bet going on with Connie.
A bet with Connie? Hmm.
- What does that mean? - Oh, nothing.
It's just that last time we were with Kate and Connie,
all you wanted to do was get away from her,
and now I can't get you to leave.
That, Larry, is the thing that makes me go, "Hmm."
How dare you?
If you think that even for a moment I'm enjoying hanging out
with that shrill, vanilla scented shrew,
you are sorely mistaken, my man.
I thought you loved vanilla.
I don't have to stand here and listen to this.
And yet you're not moving.
Connie, would this even count as a victory?
A date is a date.
Okay.
We're ready.
Oh, I thought...
Oh, you were just getting him dressed.
Okay, fine.
By the way, your name is Dale.
Just follow my lead.
Dale.
Larry, look who showed up...
My date. So eat your heart out.
If you're not too full from eating crow.
Nope, you've got room.
What's going on?
Oh, you're gonna want to watch this.
What's that smell?
Oh, man, the food.
So this is your date, huh?
Yeah.
Okay.
Hi, my name's Larry. And you are?
Dale.
Ah, Dale. There it is. All right.
So, Dale, how long you been going out with our Connie here?
- This would be... - Ah, ah, ah! I'm speaking to Dale.
Dale can speak for himself, can't you?
Yeah. So how many dates have you been on with Connie?
This would be our...
...third date.
And where do you live?
New York.
Larry, leave him alone and pay up.
Ah, ah! And where did you two meet?
New York.
Wow. That sounds romantic.
All right, Connie, jeez Louise, you know,
I know when I been beat, and I have been beat.
I have one quick question for you, Dale.
Are you aware that you have an iguana on your shoulder?
Yeah, we go everywhere together.
I've had Janine for two years.
You've had her for two years.
I'm confused, then. She belongs to you?
Then why on her collar does it say,
"If found, return to Clyde Thomas?"
You wouldn't happen to be Clyde Thomas...
would you?
Ah, he's good.
Damn it, Clyde.
Oh, shaboom.
Thank you, Clyde. The ruse is over.
Ugh, I'm sorry. It's ruined.
I disagree. I think it looks pretty tasty.
Kate, yours is melted to the plate.
Why is that one mine?
- I'm not leaving until you pay me. - A date showed up,
so you're not leaving until you pay me.
Okay, you know what?
We're getting out of here.
Really? Yes.
Bring your work. I will buy you a burger.
I'm right behind you.
Oh!
Coming through?
- Kate, I'm... - Shush.
- Ben, she... - No.
- Ben Parr? - Yeah, that... that's me.
- Come this way. - Stay!
That was a little rude.
What did you expect after you nearly killed Ben?
Don't act like this is my fault.
I don't blame you. I don't.
I blame the person who slammed the door into my friend's skull.
Oh, wait, that was you.
Because I had to get away from you.
After I blew the lid off your Jimmy Buffett date scam.
- Excuse me. - Yeah.
Your friend forgot to fill out his paperwork.
Would you mind seeing that he does?
Oh, you got it, yeah.
What?
You're flirting with the nurse?
Like you have a shot in hell.
Oh, please. I could get her.
Larry, I know two things.
You can't get women,
and the Knicks are prone to turnovers late in the game.
- You... - I hustled you.
Why are you gasping again?
Because I wasn't sure, but now I am.
New bet. New bet.
Watch me get this nurse's number, all right?
Prepare to get hustled, player.
Okay, that's not really hustling.
Shut up.
Easiest 200 bucks I ever made.
- Excuse me. - No.
There you go. All set.
Now, I'm gonna let you go,
but if you feel woozy, come straight back.
Wow, do you...
You hear that?
- What? - Total silence.
We're finally alone.
Just let me die.
So close.
By the way, this... this is exactly
how I meant our first date to go, including him.
Thank you, sir. Right on cue.
We should probably get you home.
They don't deserve it,
but I'm gonna go tell those two idiots that you're okay.
That's a tough break, kid.
First date sets the tone.
What is wrong with you?
All I wanted was to have dinner with this guy I really like,
but we couldn't get any time together,
because the two of you couldn't stop fighting
like two kids on a car trip.
I believe if we are going to point the finger of blame,
it should go in this direction.
- You mean the sausage of blame? - No, I mean the...
All right, stop it! Hey, stop it!
Okay, here's how this is gonna go.
There is a cab waiting outside for you two.
You two are gonna get in it and kiss each other
or punch each other or whatever it is you have to do.
You, I promise I will help you with your lease agreements later,
but right now you and I are going on a date!
I'm sorry that I'm yelling at you.
- So, cab fare-wise? - Get out.
Wow, I can't tell you
how attractive you are right now.
Yeah?
And, uh, I can't tell you
how many of you there are right now.
Oh, boy.
- Let me get the doctor. - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm... I'm fine.
Get... Get the doctor.
You owe me $200, by the way.
Just... No.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
That nurse's phone number is just a series of ones?
You don't know every phone number.
Why don't I dial it then?
Fine. Yeah, dial it. That's a good idea.
There's a text from Dale.
Let me see that. Let me see that.
Oh, "Hey, Con. Can't make it, super sick.
How about this weekend?" Frowny face.
That... Frowny face?
Is Dale by any chance a teenage girl?
- What are you doing? - I'm going home.
A gentleman might offer a lady his cab.
A lady might run a brush through her hair every once in a while.
- Two stops. - No, no, no, no.
One cab, one passenger.
- Two stops. - No. No, no, no, no.
- Hey. - Hey.
Where are they?
They're gone.
So this is heaven.
You tell me.
Wow.
Now, this is a proper date.
In every relationship, there are going to be obstacles.
You can either find your way around them...
It's getting a little late.
Maybe I should just come over and crash at your place.
...Or you can try to ignore them.
Connie?
Connie, I know you can hear me.
Connie.
I know you can hear me.
Connie! Connie!
- Connie, hi. - Hi, Clyde.
So, um, we're in a bit of a bind.
Uh, I was wondering if you could come in
and pretend that your name is Jill.
Who are we pretending for?
Oh...
Good night, Clyde.
I love you.
Ta-da!