Good morning.
I'm gonna take that as a yes.
Mmm...
Santosh!
Huh!
All right. I'll be Santosh, the Indian servant girl.
No, behind you.
Oh!
You gotta stop coming in without knocking.
(SPEAKING IN HINDl)
So. I'm not going to be able to come around for the next couple of nights.
Oh, yeah. Your mom's in town, right?
Usually, I don't introduce her to the men that I'm dating. But...
Meet the mom.
She'll like you. You're the first nice guy that I've dated.
(COMPUTER BEEPS)
Hey, Jerry.
Todd-O. Hey, just a hypothetical. If I ever came to India,
how long would it take you to get your office presentable?
Uh, whenever you want to come, we'll be ready.
Great, I'll be there in about an hour.
(LAUGHING)
Jerry, why are you messing with me, man? You're not in India.
Then, uh... Oh, who's this guy? The ghost of gay pride parades past?
Oh, my God. He's really here.
There are women in America who would kill for that figure.
Hey, Dempsy!
Oh, there you are. I need your help.
What's the matter?
One of my workers just filed a complaint.
Said I'm insensitive to Indian culture.
Oh, boy. This should be good. What did you do?
Ah. Oh, that's the spot.
Ah, yeah. Oh. Hey. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
You used one of their gods as back scratcher?
Well, for starters.
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
Yo!
You broke off one of his arms?
If only.
Why would you do that?
I don't know. Elephant Man just didn't look right with five arms.
No, that's Ganesh, the remover of obstacles.
See, that's the kind of obscure crap you gotta teach me.
I got a conference call with HR tomorrow, and I gotta defend myself.
And get this. The HR lady back in the States is Indian.
Oh, Charlie, I can't help you now.
I mean, my boss is dropping in on a surprise visit.
I gotta get the workers ready. I mean,
can't you just apologize and say you didn't realize it was a statue of a god?
Yeah. I can't use that one again.
My first month here, I made the mistake of locking my bike
to a statue of a dude with three heads.
Which god is that? I don't know his name.
But you'd think one of his six eyes would have seen that damn kid ripping off my bike.
(GROANS)
(GRUNTS)
Oh. What?
No? No.
(SIGHS)
When Jerry gets here, it's really important to make a good first impression. Okay?
So just be yourselves.
You heard the man, act natural. Be yourselves.
Yes, and yourself is not the manager.
So, I will hold on to this.
Todd? Why would Jerry be coming here?
All right. I don't mean to scare you guys,
but the last time Jerry dropped by an office unannounced,
the whole operation was outsourced to India.
Where? Yeah, my cousin needs a job.
No, I was talking about this call center.
Is there an opening?
You know what? Why don't we do a trial run? All right?
I'll be Jerry.
Hello, young lady. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?
Touching feet is a sign of great respect.
Maybe you should just give him a handshake.
You want me to take his hand?
Mmm-hmm.
Well, while I'm at it, why don't I just give him a lap dance?
How do you even know what a lap dance is?
The home stripper kit was very popular this holiday season.
It's a pleasure to meet you, sir.
Mmm-hmm. Uh, look. It would be great if you could help me out.
Anything, Jerry.
No, when I lean in to you, I'm Todd.
But your Todd voice is the same as your Jerry.
I don't think you're committing to this.
Change voices, wear a hat, a funny walk.
Give this Jerry something.
Manmeet, focus. Yes, Todd or Jerry.
Can you say some nice things about me,
to counterbalance all the bad stuff Rajiv is going say?
It would be an honor to say nice things about the best boss I've ever had.
Huh. Crap like that?
Yeah, exactly. Okay.
It's so nice to finally meet you.
Did they serve you peanuts on your flight?
What is up with those tiny bags?
Five peanuts is not a meal. Am I right?
Don't do that. No.
But seriously, why do men have nipples?
Gupta, when Jerry gets here, you can only say three words.
Welcome Welcome
to to
India. India. (CHUCKLES)
Welcome to India. A little loud in the middle.
Welcome to... Dramatic pause.
India.
(CHUCKLES) That's the one.
Welcome to... India.
Okay. Uh... When I said, be yourself
I kind of forgot who you were.
Look, Jerry's very old school.
All right? He's all about business.
So, when he gets here,
I need you guys to be as professional as possible.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hey, kookaburra.
I made an 8:00 reservation at Lal Mirch.
And my mom cannot wait to meet you.
Oh, sounds great.
I'll drop Jerry off at his hotel, and I'll meet you for dinner.
What's up, Indios?
Grab some glasses. It's tequila time!
Todd, we have to get rid of this drunken tourist before Jerry comes.
That is Jerry.
Hey, Jerry.
Todd. Oh.
Love the lid. Let me guess. Turban Outfitters?
(LAUGHING)
You sure you don't want to go back to the hotel?
Maybe freshen up a little bit before we begin...
I already did. Took a little whore's bath in the sink.
Rajee! Get over here, you.
Oh.
It is the honor of all honors to meet you, sir.
Welcome
to India.
That was... Ah!
Great to finally see you in person, buddy.
Man, I dig the stache.
You should be tying young women to railroad tracks.
Just give me the word.
This country has an abundance of railroad tracks and women.
Oh, I love the shirt.
Who makes that?
Mmm-hmm.
I look forward to showing you that I am superior to Todd in every way.
I can hear you. Except hearing.
Okay. Uh, Jerry, why don't we introduce you to the workers?
Yes. This is Asha.
It is so nice to meet you. And you.
There are some pastries in the break room if you're hungry.
Oh, thank God. The food on the plane was nasty.
Oh, I'm sure. After all, five peanuts in a bag? That's not a meal.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Why do men have nipples?
Alright, uh, you've already met Gupta.
And this is Madhuri.
Enchanté.
I just gave away the milk for free.
Jerry, this is Manmeet, one of our top sellers.
All right.
And Todd is one of our top bosses. Aw.
In a world without role models, he is a role model.
Which means, it's a world with one role model.
So, if he left, we would be back to that original world with no role models.
Okay. Well, thank you.
Uh, okay, Jerry.
Now, we're going to take you through the books.
And you will listen in on some phone calls, and we'll do some things...
(FAKE SNORING)
Uh, what?
Very clever, sir. Todd's speaking puts you to sleep.
Oh, right, Rajiv. You don't need to, uh...
(BOTH FAKE SNORING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
That's pretty boring, right?
Aw, come on, Todd, look.
I am here to bond with the staff, right?
Synergize. Incentivize. Conversate.
I am here, buddy, to drink outside the box.
So, you're not here to fire people?
Not unless they show me a bad time.
All right, everybody, listen up! I'm taking y'all out!
Come on!
You're taking the entire office out on the corporate credit card?
Good call, Dempsy. Hang on.
Everybody on this side, stay and work.
Everybody over here, gather up. Come on.
Turn and face them and repeat after me.
It sucks to be you.
ALL: It sucks to be you.
JERRY: It sucks to be you.
ALL: It sucks to be you.
The "you". It sucks to be you.
ALL: It sucks to be you.
That's it, that's it.
So, I'm trying to embrace your culture.
Which one of these things won't give me the trots?
I'll take a chai.
Hey, Gupa, can I ask you something?
No, but you can ask Gupta something.
No offense, but you're Indian, right?
Yes. I've been catching heat at work
because someone complained I'm insensitive to the local culture.
No.
So, I need a crash course on India. The food, the clothes, the customs.
Basically, everything I've been trying to avoid since I got here.
What I need is an Indian friend to guide me.
You insult my culture, you can't pronounce my name,
and now you want me to be your friend?
Yeah.
We're going to have so much fun.
To the brain cells that will not be with us tomorrow.
Mmm.
Whoo!
To rolling the dice with Thai women.
(CHUCKLES)
(CELL PHONE RINGING) (GRUNTS)
TONYA: Where are you? I'm... I'm still with Jerry.
You've been with Jerry all day.
I know. I know. But, look, he's my boss
and we're going over work stuff.
Cement mixer time. Back it up, bitches.
Uh, beep! Uh, beep! Uh, beep! Uh, beep! Uh, beep! Uh, beep!
Mom and I have been here for an hour.
All right, look, he's going to be passing out any minute now,
so just go ahead and order, and I'll be there as soon as I can. All right?
Okay. Bye.
Sir, I have to go. Jerry just asked me for my phone number.
Oh, Madhuri. I'm so sorry.
It's okay. I gave him Pinky's number.
I always give them Pinky's number.
India is the largest democracy in the world.
We invented chess, geometry and tandoori.
When Columbus discovered your country, he was looking for India and our spices.
Well, I can see how he got confused because there were already Indians in America.
No, Charlie, those Indians, bigger fish to fry.
Let's get back to the flashcards.
That's the god, Shiva, destroyer, transformer.
Kind of looks like that dude from Avatar.
(CHUCKLES) Many of them do. A lawsuit is pending.
My gut is telling me Temple of Doom.
But I'm going to say Taj Mahal because I think it's a trick question.
Very good.
That's a cow in drag.
No, Charlie, the cow is decorated because it is sacred.
We revere the cow for the milk it provides.
It also provides meat. Why can't you worship it for that?
Think about it this way. When the cow is alive, it can feed many people.
When it is dead, it can only feed a few.
Huh. I never thought about it like that.
Oh.
Pass.
Uh, if you knew a famous Indian, it would probably be him.
Wait a minute. Is that the guy over there?
No, it is not that man. The shoe-shine guy.
Ridiculous. It looks just like him.
Oh, really? Little glasses. Yeah. I think that...
Hey! Stop it.
Hey! No.
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)
And you know that you're the only one to say
Okay
So, boys, where next?
Shh, Pinky, he's out. It's over. Go home.
Second wind! Come on!
What demon powers this man?
Ah. Third wind! Come on. I could go all night long.
Oh, thank God he's out. Come on. Let's get him to the hotel.
Yes, please. I just want to be done with this night.
Vimi is already furious with me.
I butt-dialed her, and she overheard me order Jerry's drinks.
How am I going to explain my request for two buttery nipples and sex on the beach?
Oh, crap. Tonya. Hey, can you hang on to him?
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
Well, you missed dinner.
I know. I know. I'm so sorry. Umm...
Look, it's not that late. Maybe I can meet you for a drink.
I just gotta drop Jerry off at his hotel.
Time to tip the cow! Just like Kansas, buddy.
No. No!
Hey, Tonya, um... Going to be a little late.
So, how does your mom feel about breakfast?
Maybe we could have brunch here?
This seems like the brunch crowd.
Oh!
Oh. This is the nastiest strip club ever.
I got dibs on the big girl.
I am working on it. I will get us out of here.
(SPEAKING IN HINDl)
(CHUCKLING)
(SCREAMS) (GASPS)
This is bad. This is really bad.
Jerry, calm down.
I've seen Slumdog, Todd. I know how it works here.
I have a low pain threshold, and I am terrible at trivia.
I am a dead man, Todd!
Shut up, Jerry.
Shut up?
You drag me out on a bender, you screw things up with my girlfriend,
and you get me arrested.
What is your problem?
My wife left me.
(CRYING)
So, this incident was actually a blessing.
It finally opened my eyes to the flavor
the history, the people of this beautiful land.
I guess what I'm trying to say...
(SPEAKING IN HINDl)
Charlie, I have no idea what that means. I grew up in Wisconsin.
It's Hindi for "India is now my home."
Wow. I'm impressed. You actually learned to speak Hindi.
Not just speak.
(SINGING INDIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM)
You're going to stay seated for the Indian national anthem?
Charlie, you obviously took the complaints to heart. I actually came into this
thinking I was going to have to send you back to the States.
Send what to the who, now?
We had a spot for you at corporate in Montana.
Near the game preserve?
It's not a game preserve anymore.
The herds have recovered, so you can shoot whatever you want.
(SQUEALS) But your understanding of the culture is invaluable.
Hell, you're more Indian than I am.
Keep up the good work. Wait.
We did it.
Yeah. We did it.
Looks like I'm stuck here.
Charlie, remember our conversation about reincarnation?
We're not stuck anywhere. We just are.
Yeah. Thanks, Gupta.
Oh. You got my name right.
Sure I did, buddy.
Buddy.
I know I wasn't the perfect husband, but
is it a crime to pay another woman
to give you the affection that your wife is withholding from you?
Yes.
I know it was a crime, but is it a "crime" crime?
Yes, yes.
Well, at least I came clean. And what did I get?
Her and that therapist ganging up on me.
Telling me every time I got a problem, I run away and get drunk.
Jerry, you came to India and got drunk.
This is a business trip, Todd.
(SCOFFS) You sound just like Nancy.
I swear, I don't know what to do to make that woman happy.
Stop drinking liquor and going to prostitutes!
Rajiv. No.
I have reached my point of breaking.
You are throwing away the greatest treasure of all.
Marriage is the biggest commitment a person can make.
You don't just give up on it. And dishonor your family by getting divorced.
Are you even married? I should be so lucky.
I work every day to get promoted to manager
so that I will be worthy of marrying Vimi.
And once she is my wife, I will allow nothing to threaten our union.
But you? You don't think about the promise you made.
You only think about whatever makes you feel good.
If you were a real man, you would fight for your woman.
Give me your phone, Dempsy. Come on. I gotta make a call.
Got the machine.
Hi, Nancy, I suppose you've been waiting a long time to hear this, but...
I'm sorry. I'm a screw-up.
And starting today, I'm gonna turn that around. I swear.
I'm gonna come home and show you that I'm a different man.
Just keep your fingers crossed I can get this cow to drop the charges.
I love you, babe.
TONYA: Oi, Todd.
Tonya, what are you doing here?
I just bailed out you three.
This is the nice boy you were so anxious for me to meet?
Hey, and you must be Tonya's sister.
Oh, it's too late for that.
Uh, that's not exactly the impression I wanted to make.
Yeah. She's not a big fan.
Mmm, the big fellow in the corner is staring at you funny.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
He was trying to make wine in the toilet and I accidentally flushed it.
We got... We gotta go now, now.
You ready to go through the books now?
No. I'm going back home, patch things up. Hmm.
I appreciate what you guys did for me here.
I, uh, was in a bad place and you screwed my head back on straight.
I'd like to do something for you guys.
Congratulations. I'm making you executive manager.
There's no more pay or benefits or any advantage whatsoever.
In fact, you'll have to print up new business cards
which will cost you money.
So, why are you doing this?
So I can do this.
Rajee! Stand up.
Manager? Really?
Now, you can marry Vimi.
This is the happiest day of my life.
(CHUCKLES)
Oops. Not yet.
America. We invented the light bulb, the computer,
the swimsuit issue, spring break,
the spork, hard shell tacos, and the Beatles. USA.
Ask away.
Tell me about this man.
After fighting in Vietnam
he went on to become one of America's most beloved presidents.
Okay, curveball coming.
Mexico? Close enough.
I also would have accepted California or Arizona.
Oh.
All right, where is this?
Paris...
Paris Hotel Casino in Las Vegas?
Correct. In Paris, people don't drink out from yard-Iong plastic cups.
Got it.
Now, let's test your knowledge of American dogs.
Hot dog. Corn dog. Chili dog.
Snoop Dogg. Very good.
You're my "dawg". You're my "dawg".
Cha! Cha!