All right, we've got everything.
All I need it is my cooker with the all-stars cookbook.
- So, babe, what do you want to make with it?
Chicken? Fish?
- Everything goes with Shaq 'n cheese.
- I don't know why you want to come in here
and mess up my kitchen.
You haven't made anything from that cookbook
since your mom gave it to you
two years ago for your birthday.
- Mess up your kitchen?
Remember those Charles barkley biscuits?
I put my foot in those.
- But they tasted like you still had your sock on.
- Why you playin'?
- No, come on, all right.
I'll handle the meal,
and you go fill out the paperwork
for Kevin's school trip.
- That hurt. - I'm sorry.
- You had said you liked them biscuits.
- [Giggling]
"Happy Birthday, hubby"?
Nick? Honey?
- Yeah, babe?
- Whatever happened to the gift card
that I got you for your birthday not this year but last?
- Um, I got something for the computer.
- Oh, what'd you get?
- Memory.
- Memory? Where is it?
- It's inside the computer. It's a great gift.
My computer never forgets anything.
- Oh, okay, so you definitely used the gift card.
- Yeah. Why?
- I was thinking about what I was gonna get you
for your next birthday,
and then I realized that you never told me
what I got you for that birthday with the gift card.
- Well, I distinctly remember it.
You got me memory, so remember that.
- Oh, I won't forget.
- Anything else? - No, that's it.
- You sure? - Yeah.
- Okay. - Thanks, honey.
- Okay, baby.
- Ram... Mm-Hmm.
I got your ram.
- ♪ Are we there yet? ♪
♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me ♪
- ♪ Tell me, are we there yet? ♪
sync and correct by dr.jackson www.addic7ed.com
- all right, so educate me.
Why wouldn't you just tell her you lost it?
- Well, I didn't lose it.
I misplaced it.
It's here somewhere.
- And that's not the same thing?
- Nope, they have two completely different definitions.
- Oh, you mean like "innocent" and "not guilty."
Like, Nelson mandela was innocent.
O.J., not guilty.
Why don't you just go buy another one then?
- 'Cause I already told her I used it.
And if she's asking about it,
that means she's looking for it too.
- Don't worry, dad.
If it's in this house, we'll find it.
- Yeah, me and Kevin are gonna work this place
like basketball wives at a purse sale.
- Oh, now, that is the attitude I am looking for, Troy.
- All right, so what's the plan?
- Okay, Kevin and Troy are gonna take the top floor.
I want you guys to search this house from top to bottom.
Leave no stone unturned.
- We're back.
Hey, dad. Hey, Martin.
- Hey, I thought you guys were going to get something to eat.
- We did. - What happened here?
- Nothing happened here.
Weren't you going upstairs?
- Hmm... Did you lose something?
- No, we were just straightening up a little bit
before you got back.
- Oh, okay,
'cause it was pretty straight before I left.
So what happened between now and then?
- Nothing.
We just thought
we'd straighten up a little bit more.
That's all.
- 1,000 ways to love a black man, nice.
Something we need to discuss?
- I was wondering,
if I was a black man,
what it would be like if a woman wanted to love me
a thousand ways.
- Mm, okay.
So you're sure you guys aren't looking for anything?
- No, why would we be looking for something?
- I'm not saying that you are.
I'm just saying, if you were,
I could always call somebody to help you guys,
you know, on my new phone.
- Where'd you get that?
- The electronics store.
I didn't think I was gonna be able to afford it,
but then I found a $300 gift card.
- Where? - In a cookbook.
You know, I thought it was yours,
but you said that you used yours to buy...
What was it again?
- Ram.
- Ram! That's right.
- Okay.
Oh, you're so cute.
Look at you, with that cute little smile.
That's good.
Hand it over.
- Hand what over? - My phone.
- How is this your phone?
- You bought it with my gift card.
- Did he tell you about losing a gift card?
- Hey, look at this.
The 436th way to love a black man
is to trim his mustache.
Who'd have thunk it?
- Okay, so, first,
you said that you bought ram with the gift card,
and now you're saying you lost the gift card?
Does this sound right to you, Martin?
- And the 802nd way to love a black man is to...
Oh, wow.
You'd think this would rate higher.
- Okay, look, look, look. You know what?
If this was a court of law,
do you know how crazy you would look right now?
Like, Whoo!
- If this were a court of law,
you wouldn't have a case.
- Oh, really? - Really.
- You know what?
I know you're used to being right all the time,
but this time you're wrong.
- [Laughing]
- This is the plaintiff, Nick Kingston-persons.
He says that his wife, Suzanne, gave him a gift card
for his birthday, and after he misplaced it,
she found it and used it on herself.
He's suing for re appropriation of goods and damages of $300.
- This is the defendant, Suzanne Kingston-persons.
She says the plaintiff lost his gift card
and clearly never planned to use it.
And after she found the gift card in the house,
she asked if he had used his,
and when he said he did,
she saw no problem with using the gift card
that she found on herself.
She has no intention of giving him a dime
and says he needs to stop lying.
- All rise.
Be seated and come to order.
Not that I can make y'all.
It ain't like I got a gun.
- I thought we talked about this.
I’m a deal with this all day long with you now?
Okay, Nick, I see you're suing your wife...
[Chuckles]
Suzanne, for a gift card.
- Yes.
- All right, tell me what's going on.
- She bought me a gift card, and I misplaced it,
and she found it.
- Two years later.
- See, see, in my courtroom, you don't just shout out.
You wait your turn.
You went to public school.
You know, you wait in line for cheese and stuff.
That's what you do here.
- Yes, your honor. My apologies.
- Thank you, your honor.
- Do I need your help?
- I... I was just thanking you.
- Do I look crippled? Do I look like I'm hurt?
Am I leaning to the right?
- No, sir.
- Thank you.
- Okay, well, you know,
my birthday was coming up,
and Suzanne was asking me what I wanted.
And I didn't want to tell her what to get me,
'cause, you know, when you pick out your own birthday present
and that's what you get,
there's no surprise.
- You like surprises, right?
- Yeah, I guess.
- I bet you were surprised
when she spent the money on your gift card, weren't you?
- I bet he was.
- He was surprised.
Like you're surprised you have no gun.
- Can I say something, your honor?
- Yeah, you just said something.
Now, shut up.
You got an issue? We gonna have a problem today?
You need some Xanax?
Go on, now, Nick.
- Well, look, all right, so she got me the card,
and look, I was planning on using it eventually,
but then I put it somewhere and I forgot where I put it.
- He lost it.
- Do you not understand English?
I told you to be quiet.
I'll have you thrown out of here
faster then Mel Gibson should get off that phone.
You understand me?
Be quiet.
- You see what I'm dealing with, your honor?
- I see what you dealing with.
You married it. Don't ask me why.
- Okay, well, I misplaced the card,
and then I couldn't... I forgot where I put it,
and then she found it, and she knew it was my card.
- Oh, you psychic.
- Huh?
- You psychic, right?
That's how you know what people think, right?
Where's her gun?
You don't know, do you?
'Cause you ain't psychic.
So why don't you just tell me what you know
instead of what other people know.
Can we do that?
- Okay, well, she found it,
and I didn't know she found it,
but what she did was ask me if I'd spent mine.
- And what did you say?
- I said I had.
- [Chuckles]
File for the defendant. You win.
- Whoo! - No, no!
[Women screaming]
- Ha-ha! I'm playing!
I'm playing, I'm playing!
You think you're gonna win?
You're out your mind.
You can't shut up.
You see that? She was all excited.
- You play too much.
- "Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
High five! High five!"
Don't be high-fiving people up in here.
So why'd you tell her that you spent the card if you didn't?
- Well, I didn't want to hurt her feelings
and have her think I didn't care about her gift.
- You got any witnesses?
- Yes, your honor.
I'd like to call my mother, miss Marilyn persons.
- Okay.
- Thank you, baby.
- How are you, Mrs. persons?
Tell us what you know.
- I will, your honor.
I know she crazy.
I know I'm not gonna sit up here
and let her talk about my son any kind of way,
because she's lucky to have him.
- I agree with you, but I'm asking you about the card.
What do you know about the gift card?
- I don't know anything about that.
But I don't see what the big deal is anyway.
It's a gift card.
All you got to do is go to the store,
get another one for her birthday,
steal it back, and then spend it all on yourself.
She how she likes that.
[Pounding]
- You go ahead and sit down.
I'm scared to ask this question,
but do you have any evidence?
- Yes, I do, your honor.
This is the box the phone came in
and my birthday card.
- [Laughing] He got a box.
- That the phone came in.
- The phone came in.
I asked you if you had evidence.
See, evidence is something like, you know,
I got a smoking gun, I got a knife,
I got some gloves.
They don't fit, we can't acquit.
It's like a girl tied up in the trunk of your car
with some duct tape over her mouth.
That's evidence, but this ain't evidence.
This is not evidence, man.
You know, if you're just gonna waste my time
by bringing something that ain't gonna help your case,
'cause this don't help your case,
you might as well have brought something that makes me happy,
like some cake... did you have cake for your birthday?
- Yes, I did.
- I'm glad you got something, 'cause you didn't get no phone.
What kind of cake did you get for your birthday?
- Sweet potato pound cake.
- What'd he say?
- Sweet potato pound cake.
- What kind of cake do the judge like?
- Sweet potato pound cake.
- Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
Who made this sweet potato pound cake?
- My wife.
- She got the recipe from me, your honor.
- Oh, I see.
We're gonna take a short recess while I get this recipe.
- Hey, man.
- Miss persons, will you meet me in the chambers, please?
- I will do that, your honor.
- Talk about this recipe.
- Are you serious?
- I said don't say nothing else!
I'll be with your mama.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Your mama crazy.
And she's a wonderful person.
- That's my mother, and you don't know my mother.
- I know her now.
Ha-ha! Bam.
- What? - Boo-yah!
- Hey! - Hey, Judy.
- You did it.
- Let's get this thing started, Judy.
- Court is now back in session.
- Mrs. Kingston-persons,
I know you've been waiting to talk.
Now it's your time, so talk and tell us your story.
- Your honor, I'd like to start by saying
that birthdays are very important to me,
and obviously because it's my husband,
it's a top priority.
- That's enough.
Ha-ha, I'm playing. I'm playing.
I'm playing; I had a little bit to drink in the back.
Go ahead. My bad.
- Whenever I give something to someone,
I want to make sure it's something
that they're really gonna enjoy.
- Oh, I see, and if they don't enjoy it,
you just, what, take it back from them?
- No, your honor.
I wanted this gift to be different,
because the first three attempts weren't great.
- What was your first attempt?
- I got him a box set of prince songs.
- No, you didn't. Prince?
Girl, I didn't think you like... look at you.
Who loves prince?
- The judge loves prince.
- Hold up. You don't like prince?
- Can I...
- You don't like prince?
You don't like prince? - I like prince.
- We can shut this down now.
You don't like the purple wonder?
- I had it already.
- You didn't tell her that, did you?
- Yes, he did.
- You got a cd player in your house?
- Yeah, I got a cd player.
- You got a cd player in your car?
- Yeah.
- Judy, what should he have done?
- Should have just listened to the prince in your car.
- There you go.
But you just trying to be honest, right?
That's why you couldn't do that.
- If I am not honest with this woman,
what else can it lead to, man?
- Okay, man, I'm not saying you got to lie to your wife.
You should never lie to your wife,
'cause they'll find out anyway,
'cause they got stuff in your computer.
They can find out where you've been.
Trust me on that one.
I'm saying sometimes you can fool your wife.
- Wait, wait, wait. What's the difference?
- Yes, your honor, I'd like to know too.
- I would tell you, but you know what,
my wife watches the show.
What's up, baby?
You see what they tried to do, Judy?
- Yeah. - What they try to do?
Trying to make a fool of me, but who's not a fool?
- You not a fool.
- That's right. I ain't no fool.
That's why I didn't fall for that.
I'm too quick. You see that?
You didn't see me move, did you?
Go ahead.
What else you get this man?
- Madden 2008.
- He mad about that?
What's wrong with madden 2008.
- It was 2009, your honor.
- Well, what's the difference?
- What's the difference?
They change the game every year.
That's why they make 2008, 2009.
- No, they don't.
They put a different dude on the box.
I got the game I've got the game!
I got 2008 and 2009.
Ain't no difference, just the box!
That's how they get $45 from you.
Your wife was saving money.
- Your honor, after all of that,
I finally just relented and got a gift card,
because I figured that way he could pick something out
that he really wanted,
and he would be happy and I would be happy.
- Can I say something? - Oh!
I can't look at you. Is he still here, Judy?
- I think he is, sir. - Is he trying to talk to me?
- He's trying to talk to you. - Have I told him to shut up?
I still hear voices.
- Your honor... - I still hear voices.
- Can I... - I still hear voices.
- Can I say something?
- I hear voices!
These folks don't learn nothing.
Go ahead.
- Well, your honor,
I would like to now present my witnesses.
- Oh, you got witnesses? - Yes, sir.
- Oh, this is gonna be fun.
Go ahead. Bring your first witness.
- My first witness is my son Kevin.
- Is this your first time in court?
- Yes, your honor.
- It's a shame that your first time in court is here
'cause your mother and father are fighting
about some kind of gift card,
when as a young black man,
you have plenty of opportunities to be in court.
You could be picked up for assault, battery,
driving drunk, driving while black,
taking a white woman across state lines.
You have plenty of opportunities to come to this courtroom,
and this is a wasted opportunity for you,
and I want to apologize.
- I'd rather not go to court.
- Oh, you're gonna go. You're black.
You're gonna go. It's gonna happen.
So, Kevin, what do you know about this case?
- My dad asked me and my friend Troy
to help look for the gift card.
- Is this Troy in the courtroom now?
- Yes.
- Step up to the mic, please.
Are you Troy?
- I am he, your honor.
- [Laughs]
- It is he, your honor. - He is he.
Would you like to state your last name?
- Not particularly.
I don't see how that's relevant to the proceedings hereforth.
- Oh, hereforth. - Hereforth.
- That's a big word for a little man.
- All I'm saying, your honor, is that I am simply here
as a moral and fiduciary accoutrement
to Mr. Kingston-persons.
My name is irrelevant.
What's relevant is that I've taken a stand.
- What's relevant is, drug usage is destroying
young people across America.
And, Kevin, if you want to continue
to grow up and be a good man,
you got to let some friends go.
Troy, you sit your little butt down.
And we're gonna get you some help.
We're gonna have people come in from child services
to find out what your problem is.
- Is this the best you got?
Your mama and a little white boy?
Kevin, you got anything else to add to this?
- Um, yes, your honor.
My father told me, whatever you do,
do not tell your mother what we're looking for.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait. - See?
- Hey! Hey!
Asking a child to lie?
- Telling him not to say anything is not a lie.
- Thank you. Thank you.
That's all.
Young man, you can step down.
Do you have anymore witnesses?
- I'd like to call my daughter Lindsey.
- So what do you know about this case?
- Not much, sir.
All I know is, is that I was not exactly there
when they were looking for the gift card,
but when I returned home my bedroom was a complete mess.
- Now, how was your bedroom before you left?
- Um, it was a mess.
- Then you can just sit down.
Anymore witnesses?
- I'd like to call
Nick's best friend Martin to the stand.
- Oh, no. No, you didn't.
- Now you're gonna sit here...
- No, you did not!
No, you did not bring your best friend...
Young man, young man, young man, young man.
Obviously you're not married, right?
- I am...
- So you don't know the rules of marriage.
- This is true. - This man needs you.
And you're on her side.
- I wouldn't say I'm on her side.
- Just say the truth! Just tell me the truth!
- I can't handle the truth!
- I know what's going on here, Judy.
- What's going on?
- If you're feeling the stress from Nick's wife,
blink twice.
You are excused.
- I'd like to speak, your honor.
- Who the hell are you?
- I am Suzanne's assistant
and real best supportive friend Gigi.
- You're her best friend, Gigi? - Yes.
- Then I'd like you to go over to Nick's side
so you can see what that feels like,
to have a friend be a traitor.
Please go to that side.
- [Laughing] Yeah, come on over.
- And I'd like to say, no matter where I'm standing,
the truth will prevail.
- Something will.
So, Gigi, what do you know about this?
- Well, I purchased the gift card.
- Oh, you purchased the gift card?
- Yes, your honor.
- She's my assistant, your honor,
so I asked her to go pick it up.
- Uh-uh, you asked her to speak; Let her speak.
- Well, I can tell you that Suzanne was very excited
about getting Nick this gift card,
'cause she wanted him to have something he really wanted.
When I asked, "what did he get with the gift card?"
She said he didn't buy anything.
- When was this?
- About a week after his birthday.
But then I didn't hear anything else about it
until she came to work the other day
and said he had lied to her
and said he had bought something with the card, but he didn't,
because he lost it, and she found it,
and I told her she ought to get herself something
to get through the pain of being lied to,
and she got herself a phone.
- That's how it happened!
- Hey! Hey!
Everybody shut up!
I've had about enough.
I will throw every last one of you out this courtroom.
I swear to God.
- It would not have gotten to this point if I'd had a gun.
- Well, you know what? You got one now.
[People shouting]
I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what.
Y'all come in this court, you're gonna have some respect,
even if this is just a tv show and this ain't real
and she ain't a bailiff and I ain't a judge!
We're gonna act like it is!
- Is this a real gun? - That's a real gun.
I'm going back to make my decision.
This case wore me out.
I mean, for y'all to be coming here
arguing about a gift card...
- It's the principle.
- Well, I hope you like sleeping with the principal,
'cause you're gonna be sleeping with her for a long time.
Just because your man's crazy don't mean he's wrong.
Now, from listening to all the testimony
of the witnesses,
even though he lied about what he did with the card,
I don't think he ever planned
to relinquish possession of the card.
It was a gift card.
Even though you don't like what he did with it,
it was his present.
It was his card,
and you don't have a right to take it back.
Do you understand me?
I have to judge in favor of the plaintiff
for $300.
- Yes! Ha ha ha!
I want my money!
Look, what is it now?
It's coming. It's coming.
Boop! It's on your head.
- Go ahead, laugh it up. Have your fun.
I will pay you back.
A dollar a year for the next 300 years.
- Remember that if you break up and you have to pay alimony.
- We are not breaking up, ma.
- Especially not if she tries number 874.
- What's number 874?
- It's pretty much just 873 but with whipped cream.
- I read that book, and frankly,
I think it's a waste of whipped cream.
- Are you guys talking about 1,000 ways to love a black man?
- Yes, why?
- My mom has that book.
- Okay, Kevin, can you take Troy to your room?
And Lindsey, go clean your room. It's a mess.
- Okay, mom.
- Suzanne, I'm sorry that I ruined your case.
- Oh, there's no need to apologize.
You were just telling the truth.
I can't hold that against you.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- Now, is this what married couples do?
Fight over everything?
- No. - Yes.
- See, this is why I'm never getting married.
I can't pretend to put somebody else's needs
above my own,
which is number 974.
- Nick, I am sorry.
- Oh, it's okay, baby.
You can always buy me another present.
- Well, I'm not getting you another gift card.
I know that.
- It's cool.
- So what do you want?
- Um... Does it have to be from a store?
[People groaning]
- What?
- All right, that's our cue to leave.
Gigi, let's get something to eat.
- You treating?
- My treat?
Don't you owe me 60 bucks?
- No. - Yes.
- Prove it.
sync and correct by dr.jackson www.addic7ed.com