(LAUGHING)
Oh, great, it's already here.
You guys have any questions about the new stuff?
MANMEET: This is so cool, man.
Do Americans really need another stupid fart novelty?
Oh, now, this is not just your normal fart machine.
This is the Windbreaker Extreme.
GUPTA: Whoa!
It comes with eight different settings, from the angry duck to the dry trumpet.
(FARTING) (ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, my mistake. And I thought it was going to be immature.
Oh! You're above this.
Yes.
So, this isn't funny. No.
Okay.
Oh, look.
(GUPTA GASPS)
(LOUD FART)
(LAUGHING)
(SERIES OF SHORT FARTS) (ALL LAUGHING)
What's so funny? Huh?
(LOUD FART) (LAUGHING)
Sounds like the angry duck has a little sister.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh. So... Last night was amazing.
And so was this morning.
Yeah, I know.
We were a little loud, though.
You think your neighbors may have heard?
Well, I don't mind that.
But if you're gonna yell, you can't put such a big pause between
"don't" and "stop".
(CHUCKLING)
So, um, do you want to make plans for Friday night?
Uh, yeah, sure. I'll come over to your place.
My neighbors could use a good night's sleep.
Well, I was kind of thinking that we might go out to dinner.
You know, like, a proper date. We kind of skipped the whole courtship thing.
Look, sorry. I... I just... I don't want Charlie to see us.
You still haven't told him about me.
It would crush him. I mean, he's really into you.
Todd, I'm tired of hiding. Are we a couple or not?
All right. I will tell Charlie the first chance I get. I promise.
No more hiding.
(CHUCKLING)
(GASPING) (THUDDING)
Hey, Charlie. Hey. Good morning.
How are ya? Good. How're you doing?
I'm going to get Tonya a cup of coffee. She likes it in the morning.
Oh, yeah, she certainly does.
(SQUEAKING)
Gupta!
(SQUEAKING)
Ahh!
Next time, it will be a real brick.
(LOUD SQUEAK)
I'm sorry, Rajiv. It's my chair. I need a new one.
That chair is more valuable to this company than you are.
It's dependable, it never leaves early,
and the fact that you sit on it all day
makes it the hardest worker in this office.
(GASPS)
Hurtful.
Hey, Jerry. (CHUCKLING) It works.
This is my first video call on my new phone.
Whoa! (TIRES SQUEALING)
Come on, lady! Put your makeup on at home! (HONKING)
Man. It's amazing what some people will do while they're driving.
Jerry, why don't you call me back when you get to the office?
Actually, Todd, I'm not calling for you. I'm calling for Rajee.
For me? Really? I knew this day would come.
Should we talk about Todd's severance package?
He's not firing me.
Rajee, I'm just calling to give you a heads up.
It's time to get your employee evaluations in.
Sir, I can do it right now. They are all inadequate.
No, the employees need to evaluate you.
Sir, this is highly irregular.
In India, a worker would not dare criticize their superior.
Their job is to follow instructions without question.
That's great to hear, Rajee.
Because, as your superior, I'm instructing you to get those evaluations in to me.
Ah! You have corporate judo-ed me.
Just get them in by the end of the... Whoa! (TIRES SQUEALING)
Oh, God! Oh, mailbox!
(CRASHING)
(CRYING OUT)
Jerry the boss? Are you okay?
Yeah. I'm going to have to call you back. (BEEPING)
MAN: Hello, this is CallStar. Our system indicates you have been in an accident.
Should I call for an ambulance?
Uh-huh. Deepak?
Is that you? Cousin?
Hey, Charlie.
Hey.
There he is. Where you been? We haven't hung out in a while.
Yeah. Yeah, I've been kind of busy at work.
Look, there's something I wanted to talk to you...
Shh. Doe at your 9:00.
A what at my what?
Doe at your 6 o'clock.
I knew it. I freaking knew it.
What?
She's having sex.
How can you tell?
She's been eating nothing but salad for weeks.
Clearly, she was getting down to her "someone's going to see me naked" weight.
Now, she's feeling comfortable enough with him
that she's got a big old pile of pastries.
Yup, she's definitely carbo-Ioading for a bone-a-thon.
Trust me. I'm a hunter. A master observationalist.
I bet she's texting the dude right now.
(CELL PHONE BEEPING)
Now, she's probably calling him.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
That was too quick for a conversation.
She must have left him a message.
(CELL PHONE BEEPING)
Dude, could you turn off your phone? I'm trying to figure something out here.
You know, Charlie, if she is seeing someone else,
maybe it's time to put Tonya in the rearview mirror,
and find yourself a woman who appreciates you.
I mean, there... There's half a billion women in this country.
There's got to be five or six who would be into you.
No. There's only one woman I want to be with.
There's just something about Tonya.
I love her.
Did you just say you love her?
Want to marry her.
Real damn bad.
When I see it in my head, you're my best man.
Oh, Charlie, I... I... I would be honored.
Um... But don't you have a brother?
He's dead to me, Todd.
That came out wrong. He's dead.
(LAUGHING)
Good afternoon, business associates.
What a surprise to find you here.
You told us to go to lunch.
And if it were up to me, you could go to lunch every day.
We do go to lunch every day.
You're welcome. May I join you?
So, what was so humorous before my arrival?
Oh, you wouldn't find it funny.
Come on. Good old Rajiv enjoys a joke.
Uh...
RAJIV: Very well. I will tell one.
A man was traveling from Mumbai to Delhi on a train.
His wife was on a train from Delhi to Mumbai, leaving one hour later.
Wait. I am just now realizing this is not a joke. It is a math problem.
The punch line is
two hours.
So, look at us. We're all such good friends.
(CHUCKLING) I do not mind that you will be evaluating me.
Afterwards, we will have dinner
and laugh about this temporary power reversal.
Friendly touch, coming in hot.
Did you just say we get to evaluate you?
Well, technically, yes.
But really, it is an evaluation of all of us.
Because to our American employer, we represent India.
We are not Manmeet or Madhuri or Asha or...
This guy. Uh!
You see? So, when you give me a good review, you are not doing it for me.
You are doing it for our homeland.
(CHANTING) India. India.
BOTH: India. India. India!
Whoo! India. Okay, stop.
Sorry, I... I get excited when I know all the words.
Todd. Todd. Are you okay, man?
Charlie just told me he's in love with Tonya.
Right? How do you tell your best friend
you're sleeping with the girl he wants to marry?
If I tell him, he gets hurt.
If I don't tell him, he's probably gonna find out anyway,
it's going to be even worse.
Okay, let me get this straight. Um...
Charlie's your best friend?
No. Manmeet, you're missing the point.
(SIGHING) I just... I just don't know what to do about Charlie.
Well, as your second-best friend...
Unless there's someone else you haven't told me about.
We know you're good at hiding people. (CHUCKLING)
I'd want you to tell me. Okay?
The lying only makes it worse.
Mmm?
Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, Manmeet.
No problem.
Oh, hello. Clean bill of health? Shall we celebrate?
(KNOCKING) CHARLIE: Yeah.
Hey, Charlie. I...
You got a minute? (COCKING GUN)
Now's not a good time.
Everything all right? No.
I followed Tonya today. I know who she's seeing.
I can explain.
That's weird. The safety's missing.
Look. I'm sorry... I'm sorry it happened this way.
Yeah. Me, too. And I had to find out by snooping around and taking pictures.
Uh... You have pictures?
Look, I... I can... I can totally explain. She came...
She's dating another guy.
That's what I've been saying. Where do you go when I talk?
This is what she was wearing this morning.
This must have been taken today.
I said that, too.
You know, Todd,
when we're alone and I'm talking out loud, it's kind of for your benefit.
I already know the stuff I'm saying.
Who is this guy?
This doesn't make any sense.
How could she see this guy behind my back?
Your back. So many backs.
You're taking this mighty personal.
You're a good friend, man.
Yeah. Let's put a pin in that.
You know, Charlie, maybe we're overreacting. Right?
I mean, maybe this guy is just a friend.
I don't think so. Check this out. Come here.
(SIGHING)
It's like watching a movie.
Is this how movies work?
She really is seeing this guy.
Yup. Wait.
What's that? I don't see Tonya at all in this photo.
Yeah, that's a woman taking a dookie by the train yard.
Ugh!
Why would you take a picture of that?
Why would you do that where I can take a picture of it?
All right. Um, when did you take these of Tonya?
This afternoon.
It was hard to watch.
He comes up with a rose, trying to be all charming.
She smiles and seems really into him.
Then they agree they're going to try the Flying Peacock tonight.
I was pretty upset until I found out it's just a restaurant.
Well, how did you hear all this without them seeing you?
I used this bad boy.
This is how I found out that girl in reception was convinced I was spying on her.
Who is this guy?
Everyone? If you want treats, follow Rajiv.
(ALL MUMBLING)
I just wanted to show my appreciation in the form of sugary goodness.
Your hard work has not gone unnoticed.
Here are some napkins.
Oh, wait. These are the evaluation forms.
You can fill them out while you enjoy the treats I have so generously provided.
I want to go to it.
(CRIES OUT)
MANMEET: Can you believe he's trying to bribe us with treats?
GUPTA: Mmm.
ASHA: I know. Look at this.
"Does your assistant manager treat you with respect?"
Strongly disagree. (LAUGHING)
MADHURl: I'm going to give him a good review.
What? You can't be serious.
He may yell at us and insult us, but he's the nicest boss I've ever had.
MANMEET: I say we give him horrible reviews.
These are anonymous, so we can finally be honest about the way he treats us.
I mean, he calls us donkeys. And useless.
And a waste of humanity in ill-fitting trousers.
He said that to you?
No. He said it to me about you.
MANMEET: Ah...
Man. Ah! Yes!
Do you see Tonya?
No. But I see what I'm going to order.
The pumpkin ravioli. The online reviewers say it's to die for.
No. Manmeet, we're not here to eat, all right? I just want it to look that way
in case Tonya is actually here on business or something like that.
Okay. Do you know what would really help sell this dinner charade?
If we actually had dinner.
I just hope I misread the situation.
Oh, there's no misreading this, man.
We are in a romantic restaurant on the top of a hotel.
Everyone here is trying to get someone in bed.
Huh?
(INSDISTINCT MUMBLING)
Todd.
(SIGHING) All right, that's it.
Hey.
Todd, what are you doing here?
Uh... I could ask you the same thing.
Is everything okay?
This is Todd. Todd, Sanjay.
And I'm Manmeet. I see you both went with the ravioli. Excellent choice.
We need to talk.
Well, not now. I'm on a date.
Yeah, that's probably going to come up in our conversation.
Excuse me, Sanjay.
(SNIFFING) Mmm! Smells good.
I can't believe that you followed me here.
I catch you cheating and it's my fault?
I wasn't cheating. This is the first time I've been on a date with him.
Yeah, but you're still out with someone else. That's cheating.
You think she'll notice one ravioli missing?
Yes.
It's our first date. I wasn't going to sleep with him.
You can have one.
Well, you slept with me on the first date.
Have them all.
I didn't sleep with you on our first date. We've never been on a date.
I mean, this is, like, the first time we've been in a restaurant together.
Actually, you're with that guy.
Well, yeah, because he asked me out. You never take me out.
You hide me from your friends. All we do is have sex.
Separate checks. I mean,
it doesn't even seem like you even want to be exclusive.
Do you?
Yeah. You're right.
Tonya, would you like to go out on a date with me?
Yes, I would.
All righty, then. (GIGGLING)
Tomorrow morning, when you wake up, on Facebook, we will be official.
Todd Dempsy and Tonya something are in a relationship.
Oh...
CHARLIE: Bastard.
Charlie. I heard everything.
You sneaky bastard.
(POP) Ahh!
Damn it.
(SOBBING)
Act natural. Do not turn around.
Are you speaking to me? Yes.
Madhuri? Yes!
I don't want anyone to see us talking.
I know the workers are going to give me a bad evaluation.
Madhuri, I admit I can be difficult sometimes.
But it comes from a good place, a love of commerce and hierarchy.
Please. I need your help.
I took you in off the streets.
I wasn't on the streets.
Really? It feels like you come from the streets.
You have to admit, your whole vibe is really streety.
Oh, wait. If everyone gives me a bad evaluation,
I will never make manager.
Which means Vimi's father will never let me marry her.
You know the others better than I do. Will you help me win them over?
If you give me a good evaluation,
when I am manager, I will make you my assistant manager.
You realize women are attracted to power, don't you?
I like women.
I know that about you.
I realize I can be harsh, but I need your help.
My nephew is in dire need of an operation,
and I am the only one who can afford to pay for it.
I'm so sorry. I'm also really close to my nephew.
I know that about you.
This looks like a dog.
You sound just as cruel as the children who tease him on the playground.
No wonder the boy comes home with his tail between his legs.
So, Sameena. Let's talk about my evaluation.
(EXHALES)
I know you have two children. And if you ever want to see them again...
(SAMEENA GASPS)
You can. This afternoon.
Which you can take off because that is the kind of boss I am.
Run along.
This is the last one.
I cannot do it. I will not do it.
You must. For Vimi.
(SIGHING)
Okay, look.
Ah!
I... You got me a bow!
I love bows. (CRYING)
A chair. I got you a new chair.
Oh. Sure.
It's great. (CHUCKLING)
But... But I do get to keep the bow, too, right?
Ah!
This cushioning is just like sitting on my dadaji's lap, you know?
Because he was really fat from the lower half, and his upper part was very bony.
It was like this chair. Because this is fat cushioning like thighs.
And this is like his back.
Because he had an inverted... You know, that little indent here.
Hey. I've been calling you all day.
Mind if I take a seat?
Why not? You take everything else you want.
Charlie, look.
I'm really sorry about Tonya. All right? It just kind of happened.
I wanted to tell you, but I didn't want to ruin our friendship.
Well, you did. So, not only are you a terrible friend,
you're also not good at following through on your goals.
I'm really sorry, man.
Well, let me ask you something.
If you were in my position, what would you have done?
Probably the same thing.
Who am I kidding? I never had a shot at Tonya, anyway.
Oh, come on, man. Don't say that.
Any girl would be lucky to have you.
You're a great guy. And you're brave. And...
It's all right, man. You don't have to try to make me feel better.
What else were you going to say?
Not many guys can pull off the short sleeve
and tie thing. (CHUCKLING)
I mean, off the top of my head, it's you, my youth pastor,
and Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's.
So, we're good?
Yeah.
Go be with Tonya. She's your woman.
Okay.
Make love to her all night if you want.
All right. Hell, keep the lights on.
Just explore each other.
Charlie?
Leave the curtains open for an old friend.
Sorry, man. I can't do that.
Hello, Jerry the boss.
Shh. Hello, Rajee.
Did you get the evaluations, sir?
Yeah. I just went over them.
And?
Not one negative comment?
Well, sir, that's how I do it.
Well, you're going to have to do better.
I beg your pardon?
They were all about how nice you are.
If you're going to be a manager, you've got to have some backbone.
You gotta be more like Todd.
Todd? Yeah. Todd.
In one of his evaluations somebody wrote
he's constantly... Yeah, shooting down their ideas.
That was me.
Well, sometimes as a manager, you gotta be tough.
This cannot be happening.
Look, Rajee. Remember this.
You're their manager, okay? Not their friend.
Thanks again for the chair. It's really fantastic!
(THUDDING)
Hurtful.
Oh, the bow... Hmm.
Double hurtful.