# Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians
# Slimy Stuarts Vile Victorians
# Woeful wars Ferocious fights
# Dingy castles Daring knights!
# Horrors that defy description
# Cut-throat Celts Awful Egyptians
# Vicious Vikings Cruel crimes
# Pirates come from ancient times,
# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless
# Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
# Groovy Greeks Brainy sages
# Mean and measly Middle Ages.
# Gory stories, we do that!
# And your host, a talking rat!
# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
# Horrible Histories! #
We Vikings were always invading Saxon Britain and killing people.
In 1016, we even killed the Saxon King of England,
Edmund II, and you're going to love how we did it.
HE CHUCKLES
# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
# They're funny cos they're true
# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
# Hope next time it's not you! #
Mm, when you get... Oh, no, make way woman!
I'm sorry can you check me in first, please?
You'll have to wait your turn. Take a seat. Now that's just it, I can't.
My bottom hurts.
Argh!
OK, OK. Right. Name?
Edmund II. Year of death?
1016 AD. Profession?
King. King of England.
Mmm!
Method of death?
Well, I died on the toilet.
Ooh, excellent. I love a good toilet death story. Go on.
Well, I say toilet. Our Saxon toilets aren't very sophisticated,
little more than a pit in the ground. Nice.
Yeah, and unfortunately as I squatted over the toilet... The pit!
Yeah. Well, it turns out there was a Viking hiding in it,
and he stabbed me twice from beneath with a dagger.
Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Right up the bum!
Ha-ha-ha! Hilarious! Ha-ha-ha!
Stop Press, Edmund II dies from dagger up the bottom! Ha-ha-ha!
Oh, that is hilarious.
You're dead funny! Ha-ha-ha!
Oh, did you hear...? Ha-ha!
Next!
# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
# Hope next time it's not you! #
Are you a Viking?
Want to steal some treasure?
Fancy travelling to Britain and killing lots of Saxons?
Then Valhalla Tours is for you.
Yes, sailing tomorrow, a Valhalla Tour to the British Isles
with a full and exciting schedule.
Day One, join us as we sail across the North Sea
in a genuine Viking Long Boat.
Day Two, a chance to invade the country.
For the morning we've arranged murder, pillaging and violence
and in the afternoon, more murder, pillaging and violence.
Day Three. Time to relax.
A chance to clean the blood off your beard.
Day Four. Travel back across the sea,
counting all the slaves and riches you've stolen from England.
Viking Valhalla Tours.
Discover another world,
and then set fire to it and kill the people that live there.
Stone Age romance was a funny old business.
Historians reckon all these rituals
were real Stone Age ways to find love. Ahhh!
# Doh, doh, doh, doh
SHE SINGS
# Doh, doh, doh, doh
I think I must look really silly.
What caveman in his right mind would go for
a crawling, circling cave girl like?
Oh, are you the man for me? # Caveman love. #
Grub's up.
It's Ready, Steady, Feast and time for our Stone Age Special.
So let's see what our guest has brought along.
Please welcome, Nug!
APPLAUSE Nug! No, no.
Right, let's see what exciting ingredients
you've brought along for us to cook. Nug!
Oh, look at that, a lovely chunk of free range mammoth.
Mammoth! Great choice.
And your second item? Oh, another chunk of mammoth.
And your...? Nug!
More mammoth.
Fourth item? Mooo?
Oh, that's more like it. Some lovely succulent early blueberries.
And finally? Nug!
Oh, that's a shame. More mammoth.
Well, I don't suppose you get many vegetarian Stone Age men.
So how are we going to cook this?
No. No! Let's just eat it raw. Nug!
Oh, come on now Nug. Nug.
Oh, berries everywhere.
Me be back for you, woman.
No, you won't be back for me, my husband owns the network.
APPLAUSE Me be back. No you won't.
It's true, in the earliest part of the Stone Age, humans ate meat raw.
That's until they discovered fire, about a million years ago.
About when your Headmaster was born. Ha-ha-ha!
# Doh, doh, doh, doh
Rome, an empire born through fear,
fire, good plumbing and war.
Julius Caesar, an invincible Roman General
with the greatest Army and nose the world has ever seen.
And the one man who could stand in his way.
Vercingetorix,
leader of the Gaulish hordes.
So deadly he could wear pigtails and still look hard.
THEY CHEER
I will not have this impudent Gaul defy the might of Rome.
We will crush him in his capital city of Avaricum.
Well, you get the idea.
Is mighty Caesar set for his first ever defeat?
The Battle of Avaricum, coming soon.
The ending might be a bit of a wash-out.
It's true, 100% accu-rat.
The Gauls gave up at the Battle of Avaricum, because it started raining.
They thought that a rain storm was a bad sign from the Gods
and that the sky was going to fall on their heads.
Superstitious lot, the Gauls.
Julius Caesar wasn't the only Roman General who liked to win.
They all did.
To make sure legions wouldn't panic and run away from a battle,
there was a particularly nasty punishment if they did.
Legions, General Pompey.
Legions of Rome!
You have fled in the face of the enemy.
The worst crime an Army can commit.
You shall be punished!
Write out, "I shall not run away from Spartacus," 100 times.
No, that's not going to be enough this time. 1,000 times.
No. One million times.
Look, lines aren't enough.
We need to do something that will ensure they never run away again.
I suggest...
Decimation.
Stay behind after battle every day this week!
That's detention.
What's decimation? It's where every tenth soldier
is beaten to death by his fellow Legionnaires.
Wow, that sounds pretty strict.
Every tenth man in line shall be killed!
On my order I want...
What's going on?
Nobody wants to be tenth in line General Pompey. Right.
We need to find a way of choosing fairly.
I know. Listen up!
We will draw lots.
Each soldier will write his name on a piece of paper.
The names, General Pompey.
I shall now draw the name of the first person to be beaten to death.
My Enormous Buttus.
Where is my Enormous Buttus? GIGGLING
It's behind you, General...
I don't think that's a real name.
Me Mamma Stinkus. GIGGLING
Does no-one know Me Mamma Stinkus?
Yes, we all know she does. That's another fake name
and, to be honest General Pompey, I think they're all fake.
Are you saying they haven't put a single real soldier's name in there?
Well, there is one real name... Excellent, read that out.
Er, I don't think they wrote their own names down.
Stop stalling, General. This has gone long enough already.
Soldiers!
The next name you hear will be the first Roman to be beaten to death.
General Pompey!
General Pompey there really did kill off one in ten of his troops
for fleeing from the enemy.
It was brutal, but it worked.
They didn't run away from their next battle. The Romans won.
In Saxon times, we did some really crazy things
to keep our hair looking beautiful.
PHONE RINGS
Historical Hair dressers? Hairs and Graces?
Now, Egeth, you're from Saxon times, aren't you?
Yeah. You've got lovely thick hair.
Thanks. But you know I have to say,
most of the Saxon women I'm getting in these days
are wearing it a bit thinner. Oh, are they?
Mm. I mean I think it'd suit yer - especially with your face shape.
Mm. And it'd just make it a bit more manageable. Is it easy to do?
Oh, yeah, we've got the very thing. It's a traditional Saxon technique.
Shelley, get me the powdered swallow. Swallow?
Oh, it's not natural swallow, that'd be ridiculous.
No, it's powdered Swallow. So what we've done is we've taken a Swallow
and we've burnt it into ashes.
OK?
I'll just put that on there, manipulate it into the roots a bit,
and there you go.
So can you, can you see any difference?
Well, I mean your hairs covered in ashes now but, apart from that, no.
Do you know, what I'm gonna do is recommend a Saxon treatment
that actually stops the hair from growing.
Mm, is that possible?
98% effective. Shelley, give me the ant's eggs. Ant's eggs?
Oh, yeah, they work a treat, trust me. Thank you.
Right, a few of these, OK, we'll just spread some of these around.
OK, work them through.
Lovely.
So, er, has it worked?
Well, can you feel your hair growing? No.
But I can feel it moving.
That'll be the ants. Some of the eggs have hatched.
SHE SCREAMS What is it? What is it?
Shelley, comb!
What, what is it? You've got head lice. Oh!
Now the only way to get rid of head lice, Egeth, is to use a specially
designed Saxon comb like this one, and we'll just brush,
brush, get all the lice out.
There, perfect.
So, do you really think it suits me?
Oh, yeah. Do you want to look at the back?
Shelley, mirror!
What do you think? Yeah, yeah. You wanted it thinner.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Thanks, Suzanne! Any time!
Yes, Saxons made good use of all sorts of unlikely things, even poo.
THEY ALL LAUGH
Happy Christmas, everyone.
Happy Christmas. Christopher?
Ooh! Happy Christmas.
Thank you. "To Christopher from Mildred and the guys. Thanks, guys."
Hey! Ah, horse poo. Excellent!
I can mix this up with some clay and mould some dinner plates.
It'll be excellent, I need some new ones.
Thank you so much. Thank you!
Here's a little gift for you, Mildred.
Oh, thank you, you shouldn't have!
Oh! Oh.
Oh, it's pig poo! Oh, that's excellent.
Thank you so much, John.
I've been meaning to replaster the walls.
This is the best thing for it!
Ah. Jed.
Ah, thanks. Oh, look at that!
Chicken poo!
This is perfect for making leather clothes.
I'll let it go stinky, then put all my cowskins in there
and clean them before tanning.
John? We're not going to leave you out.
What's this? Yeah. Oh, oh...
Oh! Oh!
It's perfume, it makes you smell nice.
Oh, it stinks.
It's all true, 100% accurate.
Hah! Saxons used poo for everything.
They even got paid in cow poo.
Huh, I suppose it's better than a "pat" on the back! Ha-ha!
"Pat" on the back! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
What?
Oh, I've got a poo on my head?
Oh, not again!
This isn't just Stilton - this is Georgian Stilton.
With maggots so thick you'll need a spoon to scoop them up.
This isn't just bread. This is Georgian bread,
mixed with chalk and bone ashes, to make it look healthy and white.
And this isn't just milk.
This is Georgian milk.
Diluted with dirty water thrown from windows and mixed with spittle,
snot, tobacco, trash, lice and baby sick,
dropped from the rags of the nasty women that sell it.
This is not just food.
This is Georgian food.
What? Maggot-y cheese is lovely!
You should try it sometime.
Mind you, our bad diet did give us Georgians terrible teeth.
Oh, oh!
You really didn't want tooth problems in Georgian times.
They hadn't invented painkillers,
so they used to just strap you to chair to stop you running off.
And you thought your dentist was mean? Hmph!
This won't hurt much, will it?
This really is your first visit to a Georgian dentist, isn't it?
Yes.
Don't worry, we've got you strapped in.
We'll get that rotten tooth out in no time.
Sorry, can I just ask before you take it out?
What exactly are you going to replace it with?
Oh, something very Georgian.
I'll model you a new one from this clay.
Ah, a pottery tooth. Won't that just break?
Yes, that can sometimes be a problem.
I could make one out of this walrus tusk.
Walrus tusk? It is a tooth.
Yeah, I suppose, but won't it stink of fish?
We also make them from hippo.
Yeah, I had my mind on something a little more human.
Not a problem. Got just the thing.
Ah? Ah, that's more like it.
An actual human tooth.
Indeed. Pulled from the mouths of dead soldiers at Waterloo.
Oh, oh, stop. I don't want a tooth from somebody that's dead.
Mm, well I do have something I save for my best customers.
And you're in luck. He's just got one tooth left.
Ah!
Do you know what? I'm cured. It's a marvel.
My tooth doesn't hurt any more at all. Thank you.
Funny, a lot of my clients do that. Hmph!
How the first World War all started
was really complicated, and I mean complicated.
Read all about it. Britain on brink of war to end all wars.
We face a most difficult decision. Oh dear,
Sir. Yes, now, tea or coffee? You're right, that is difficult.
That's not the decision, you fool! Isn't it, sir?
We face a more difficult decision than that.
Gentlemen, we are facing a great war.
War? Yes, war. Why?
Why war?
Because an Austrian has been killed by a Serb in Bosnia,
and that means war.
Ah! I see.
Sir? Yes, Maltravers?
Why does an Austrian being killed by a Serb in Bosnia mean war, sir?
Huh, because of Russia!
Ah! Why?
Because Russia supports Serbia and Austria supports Bosnia, and so on.
I support Arsenal!
Shut up, Blenkinsop!
So an Austrian has been killed by a Serbian in Bosnia, which means
Austria might invade Serbia and then Russia will invade Austria?
Correct! Any questions? Yes, sir.
What is it, Maltravers?
How does this involve Britain, sir?
Well, Maltravers. Who would you say is your best friend?
Oh, Blenkinsop, sir. He's a spiffing fellow!
Mm. And if I were to punch Blenkinsop in the nose,
what do you think you would do?
Well...
Nobody punches Blenkinsop and gets away with it!
Thanks, old bean!
Exactly, exactly. So, if Russia threatens Austria,
Austria's best friend will offer support.
And who is Austria's best friend?
Not Blenkinsop? No, Germany!
Germany is Austria's best friend, Maltravers.
Austria and Germany, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
Yes!
So, if Russia were to attack Austria, Germany would attack Russia.
But that will leave Germany undefended on the other side.
So if Germany were to attack Russia, she would also have to attack France.
France? Yes, France!
And if Germany were to attack France, it would leave Belgium threatened,
and Belgium is our friend.
So we would hop in there to defend them.
So we've all got to go and fight in a war because of that, sir?
Yes, Maltravers. Well, I might get killed sir!
Yes, you might, Maltravers, but it would all be for a good cause.
So where is Bosnia again?
Oh!
It was war. And the race to develop the ultimate fighter plane was on.
Here's one of our jolly old World War One fighter pilots.
He's equipped with the very latest fighting equipment.
A good old brick.
That's right, just drop it on the German's head.
Unlucky, just missed him!
But you did hit a dog. Ah.
Don't worry, it was a German Shepherd!
Ay-hey!
What's this? The boys at HQ have mounted a machine gun on the plane.
That's a capital idea.
Let's see what Gerry makes of this.
Mind the propeller!
Oh, dear.
Golly! Looks like those brainy boys at HQ have cracked it this time.
The gun is fitted with a timing device so the bullets fire through
the gaps in the turning propeller.
Hold on, what's this?
Gerry has captured one of our planes and copied the new design.
Ah, well. Toodle-pip, old boy!
HE SCREAMS
If they hit a man, they could split him in half
from head to foot.
In the Middle Ages us peasants got so fed up with how unfair life was,
that we had a peasants' revolt, led by a man called Wat Tyler.
Funny name that, Wat Tyler. Must have been really confusing.
But the thing is, the barons own all the land and us peasants
have to work it for them.
They lived la-di-da lives,
while we spend our days up to our necks in muck.
It doesn't seem fair, does it? No! What can we do about it?
We're going to start a peasants' revolt.
BOTH: Yes!
There's a man organising this uprising, name of Wat Tyler.
What was his name? That's right.
No, what is the name of our leader? Got it in one.
No, he means if we was to go up to our leader and say, "Hello,
"Mr Leader Man, what should we call you?" What would he say?
He'd say Wat. That's what I want you to tell us. What's his name?
Yes, it is. No. Argh!
Hold on, I think I've got it. What is the last name of our leader?
No, no it's not. Right, and what is Mr No, no it's not's first name?
Our leader's last name is Tyler.
Thank you. At last.
And Mr Tyler's first name is Wat.
That's what I asked! I've had enough!
Just listen. His first name's Wat, his last name's Tyler,
that's why we call him Wat Tyler. Get it?
Oh, I see!
Well, Wat's a silly name, isn't it, Who?
You're not wrong, When.
Let's go and tell Why and Wherefore.
Oh, whatever. Yeah >
So, the peasants marched to London
and it was all going really, really, well until Wat Tyler had a meeting
with the King and his guards,
and ended up with his head on a spike.
Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha!
When we peasants revolted,
knights weren't really allowed to fight us.
It was against their code of chivalry,
a strict set of rules for knights.
Knights, ready? Ah!
Peasants, ready?
THEY GROWL
Charge!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
Ain't you all knights? Well, of course we are.
The King has despatched us to crush your smelly peasants' revolt.
But you can't just go around killing peasants.
That's against the, er, knights' code of chivalry.
Oh! Is it?
Er, oh, the peasant speaks the truth.
Noble knights may not go around fighting dirty peasants.
It is beneath us. Oh, drat! Well, what about this one?
I mean, he doesn't look like a peasant. No, you're right.
Let's kill him then! He's a priest! Ah, er, yes.
We definitely cannot kill priests.
The code of chivalry is very clear on that point. Fine.
Well, can I just kill this one?
I think that's a woman.
Really? We are sworn to defend all women.
What, even ugly ones that don't wash?
Even the ugly ones that don't wash.
Right, so knights simply cannot fight peasants?
That's about the size of it, yes. Right. What if I were a peasant?
A-ha! Well, then you would be able to fight the ones who were peasants.
Yeah! I like your thinking, Sir Percival.
From now on I'm known as Percy.
Percy the peasant! That's brilliant.
I mean... THICK ACCENT: Brilliant!
Does the knights' code of chivalry let you do that?
Who cares?
Peasants, ready?
THEY ALL GROWL Charge!
THEY SCREAM
# Tall tales, atrocious acts
# We gave you all the fearsome facts
# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz
# We showed you all the juicy bits!
# Gory, ghastly mean and cruel
# Stuff they don't teach you at school
# The past is no longer a mystery... #