This programme contains very strong language.
♪ Well, let her dance with him all night long
♪ Let her dance to her favourite song
♪ Let her dance with him
♪ Let her dance all night long
♪ Let her dance, let her dance let her dance... ♪
CHEERING
How are you doing, man? What's your story?
Aircraft mechanic.
An aircraft mechanic? What sort of aircraft?
737s, for Ryanair.
For Ryanair? Fantastic.
So you're the guy in charge of the gaffer tape? That's good.
How are you doing, little fellow? You've got a beautiful young lady.
How are you doing? What's your story?
Don't have one.
You don't have one? You at school?
No.No? What are you doing?
Games designing.
Games designing? How old are you?
18.And you're a games designer?
Just shows you how fucking shit my life's been.
When I was 18, I was being fucking sexually abused.
Imagine if that was true, and I just came out with it here,
and we just forgot about the sketches
and it all became a confessional thing
and then someone else went, "Yeah, me too, me too, Frankie".
And someone else went "Yeah, me, too." Then everybody went,
"I was sexually abused," then I had to go, "I was lying."
A lot of my stuff gets cut out on TV, if I'm honest.
We did a round on Mock The Week one time.
It was "Things you wouldn't hear on The Apprentice".
I went "This is the first time ever I've not been able to separate our two finalists.
"Margaret, Nick, hold my legs up. It's a rim-off."
There was a round one time - "Things you would say that would change the atmosphere at a dinner party."
I said, "If we're all here, who's looking after Madeleine?"
They fucking cut it out!
Can you believe that?
At first I thought, "No, they're saving that bit for the Christmas special."
There was a bit in the Christmas special they didn't show either.
It was, "Things you wouldn't hear at Christmas."
I went "It's not rape. Look, there's mistletoe."
I did that show, Would I Lie To You?, with Christine Bleakley,
when she was on the One Show.
I said to her "Christine, you're a very beautiful woman. You're a very talented presenter.
"Why do you have to present the One Show with Shrek?
"Do you know how difficult it is for me to masturbate with one eye closed?"
And she looked at me for a minute and went,
"You're masturbating to the One Show with a hand over your eye?"
I said "No, Christine, I wear an eye-patch because I need both hands."
All talent shows, TV now, isn't it?
Simon Cowell doing that smile like he's taken a piss in a swimming pool.
Can you even imagine something interesting happening
on one of those shows? You switch on, and one of the judges is going,
"That was a wonderful tribute to Gary Glitter, but couldn't you have just sung one of his songs?"
They had Auto-Tune on the X Factor for a week.
If that technology exists, why don't they use it on Cheryl Cole's speaking voice
so that she sounds less like a rape alarm for dogs?
They're karaoke, those shows, not rock'n'roll.
You can't imagine Jedward being involved in an incident of drunken violence.
Unless you count their conception.
'Tossing and turning?
'Struggling to get to sleep?
'Well, don't.
'Just stay up all the time.
'Get to use other people's gardens.
'Meet like-minded people.
'Bring hot snacks to local night walkers.
'And become suspect number-one in any subsequent murder investigation.
'Ring a phone-in from your car.'
'I'm just seeing all these new-build houses.
'New, yeah? New world order. Build.
'Bilderberg Group. You get me?'
Right, right.
You are our caller of the week, and you have won...
a Thighmaster!
'Staying up means you can have meaningful conversations with people who have time to listen.'
Without nothing, there'd be no something.
So without not being, we could never really be.
Er, are you asking me out?
Sure...yeah...
Yeah. Yes, I am.
'Abandoning sleep for ever will allow you to dress up as a snowman
'and take young boys on a magical adventure.'
Aaagh!
You're the fucker that's been using our trampoline!
DOG BARKS
'And with the petrol points you save and the money you make from selling your bed, you can travel the world.
'Whatever happens, your day job will never be the same again.'
Maybe the coffee'll wake him up!
Ohh!
Oh, fuck!
SIREN WAILS
Check him for ID, man.
What have we got here, big boy?
I don't know what happened.
Hey, I saw one of them move. You should check it out.
Hey, buddy, keep it down out there!
THUD!
YELPING, GUNSHOT
REPEATED GUNSHOTS
Yeah, check it out up there. I think I saw someone move near the top.
Check it out and then lean out and tell me what's happening.
Lean out with your full face.
Really use your shoulder muscles.
That's it.
'After that night, I never did anything like that again.
'And I never really let it bother me.'
♪ I've had the time of my life
♪ No, I never felt this way before
♪ Yes, I swear
♪ It's the truth
♪ And I owe it all to you. ♪
Why are old people always in the swimming baths?
What are they doing in there, bobbing about like fucking jellyfish? Get to fuck!
Why are they always reading puzzle books?
Surely by the time you get into your 70s, there's enough shit that puzzles you.
Like forking out a fiver.
Try and Sky Plus something, see how that works out, you old cunt.
Have you seen that psychiatrist
who's put microchips into old people with dementia,
so if they get lost, you can track them down with your sat-nav?
"There you are, Granny, trapped under the wheel arch. We found you."
I think you should just do what we did with my granddad
and put him on a retractable leash.
Sounds harsh, but he never got lost.
Never fell over. Never had dementia.
My granddad's one of those people that can make you laugh just reading the telephone directory.
He's a spastic.
Ricky Martin came out recently.
That took a while, Ricky.
He was so deep in the closet, he was bumming Mr Tumnus in Narnia.
I hate homophobia. It doesn't even make sense.
Gay people are a lot cooler than straight people.
You never see a gay guy on the golf course.
Well, not during the daytime.
Hi. I'm Ian McCulloch from Echo And The Bunnymen,
and I present a sort of Twilight Zone show of little moral fables.
It's called Within The Centaur's Eye.
This is a tale I was going to call Rich Man, Poor Man.
But I changed it to...The Story Of The Incredibly Horrible Thing
That Happened To Alexander Hillman.
Then I changed my mind, and changed it back again.
It's still not quite right.
Here's tonight tale from within the centaur's eye.
Come.
Come in my eye.
Everyone else is wandering about with everything they want.
Clothes, cars, phones, happiness.
There's a guy outside who's got a bus.
Well, he's a bus driver.
I don't even have a girlfriend.
I'm your girlfriend!
You're just someone I watch TV with. And we don't even have a TV.
You are an arsehole!
Shit. Now I don't even have her.
And she was nothing.
Now I've got less than nothing.
'As Alexander Hillman found out that he had less than nothing, he was also about to find out...'
I'd give anything just to have... something.
'..That it does not take much to wake the devil.'
Pleasure to meet you.
I'm no flimflam artist, Mr Nelson, I'm a businessman.
I don't seek to bamboozle you.
I seek to make a deal. Can I help you?
That depends on what you want, and of course, what you can give.
Now, what is it that you want?
Is it goods, yes, televisions and tumble driers and televisions, yes,
is that what you want?
Everybody else's lives just seem so full, and...mine?
It's just not how I imagined it would be.
How would you imagine it to be?
Better.
Well, I wouldn't be any kind of man at all if I didn't help you.
There is a little outlay on your part.
Your pinkie fingers.
You might as well.
Shacker.
Now I don't even have any pinkies.
Yes, but all you can imagine
will be yours.
He doesn't even like pinkies.
'A darkness consumed him, but it was not death.
'It was a sweet, sweet slumber from which he awoke with vitality,
'and found that his nothing had become something,
'and it was everything he thought it could be.
'For Alexander Hillman, the world was at last just as he imagined.
'His riches...'
Try this one.
'His influence...
'An extraordinary life.'
GRUNTING
'Where each moment shone with possibility.'
Oh, it's warm.
So warm.
It's warm.
The moral? Perhaps we should all be more careful about what deals we make.
Maybe if you find the time during the ad break, you could phone the police.
♪ Bring on the dancing horses Wherever they may roam
♪ Bring on the dancing horses
♪ Wherever they may roam
♪ Bring on the dancing horses... ♪
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It was a great summer for mental cunts murdering people.
Pretty much a classic, wasn't it?
The Crossbow Cannibal.
He gave that as his name in court.
"What's your name?" "Crossbow Cannibal."
"And how do you plead?" "Not guilty, your honour."
That taxi driver went mental in Cumbria, killed 12 people.
I was in London when that happened,
and the next day, there was a Scottish guy
sat across from me in a cafe
reading the newspaper at breakfast, reading about the taxi driver,
and as he left, he pointed at the taxi driver's face in the paper,
and he went, "And they never take Scottish banknotes."
Get some sense of perspective, man!
Mark Chapman, the guy who shot John Lennon, got refused parole.
I think we should let him out just as soon as we can get him
really, really into Coldplay.
We put two ten-year-old boys on the sex offenders' register.
I can't wait for one of Britain's paedophiles to run into
our youngest sex offenders. "Do you want to see my puppies?"
"Yeah, and your cock!"
(AS RINGO STARR) 'Ernie, the train engine,
'was the happiest, busiest little train
'in the whole island of Trascore.
'One day, Ernie saw a new train.'
Oh dear, I hope he won't be taking over any of my jobs!
You're new, aren't you?
I do hope you're enjoying our lovely island.
Ha-ha! Oh, that is good, Ernie, "enjoy"!
Yes, I am enjoying bursting my boiler for Mr Manager
on this fascist island.
My name is Pablo. Shag on!
'Ernie went on his way and wasn't entirely happy
'when Pablo parked beside him in the engine shed that night.'
Hey, Ernie,
enjoying the mind-numbing entertainment Mr Manager offers you?
Oh, hello, Pablo!
That's usually where Mary parks.
I don't think you'll be seeing Mary tonight, Ernie.
Mr Manager has taken her into his special shed.
He breaks all the female trains in there.
Tonight, I saw into his special shed.
Ooh! Oh! Oh!
Oh, I'm glad I put a spring in that bumper, it really adds something.
Right, you two, lez it up!
KISSING
Oh! Oh!
Ohhh! Ooh, there she blows! Ungh!
'The next day, Ernie and Pablo saw Mary coming out of the train shed.'
(ERNIE) Oh, dear, there must be a lot of pigeons in that shed!
That isn't pigeons, Ernie - that is Mr Manager.
He's shitting on them?!
Ernie, come to my meeting today.
There is another way.
'Afterwards, Ernie happened to pass Pablo's meeting.
'He was surprised to see so many trains there.'
You blind your eyes to what is around you!
What goes on in that shed is immoral!
What, the happy shed?
It is not even called that!
Roll up, roll up, see Mr Manager orally raping trains!
Why do you think Mr Manager travels by helicopter?
He does not live on the island!
He lives on the mainland until he owns the mainland,
and then he will live in space!
I am here to tell you
I can get guns, big special guns that you can operate with your face.
A great man once said that the most rebellious thing you can do
is to fall in love.
But let's not forget that you can also rebel
by killing people and blowing shit up!
GUNFIRE
We don't need the tracks!
If you truly free your mind, you can live off the tracks.
Look, look, I can levitate off the tracks! Watch, watch!
Ah! Ohh... Argh!
Ah, my face! My face! Ah, it's burning!
PAINED MOANING
HELICOPTER WHIRRS
Don't worry, there's a perfectly simple way to repair all this.
(CHOKING)
Pablo's insurgency has made me think very carefully.
I realise now that what I've been doing in my train shed is wrong,
as it discriminates among trains.
Which is why I've decided to start taking lots of ecstasy
so I can start fucking the boy trains in the face as well.
DANCE MUSIC
I have ordered so much MDMA to be brought to the island that soon
I will be fucking youall in the face!
To pay for the ecstasy, I had to sell most of the female trains.
'The next day, Ernie felt sad.'
You know, I still feel that a little bit of Pablo is with us somewhere.
Oh, is that a tear in his eye?
No, it's me cum!
Howdy. Now, what was the moral of the story this week?
It was... don't use sex to get love, ladies.
You can barely use it to get drinks.
And that the immaculate conception was bullshit!
That was just some guy with the smarts to sew on a pair of wings
and get a good story together to fuck an impressionable young girl.
You think if I sewed on some wings to my back, I couldn't get laid?
Actually, it was a lot harder than I thought,
but I did manage to get a little boy to go drinking with me
when I convinced him I was one of the X-Men.
Did a little time in prison about then, too.
And I remember my cellmate introducing himself to me
with the words, "I see my penis as a fist and my fist as a penis."
Now, that doesn't make him a bad person, you understand,
only a terrible husband and father.
Now, if you want to take umbrage with anything I've said,
then I suggest you pick up your Vorpal cloak,
your +5 firesword and meet me down at the end of level four,
where I'll be operated by a 13-year-old Chinese boy
who can do a Rubik's Cube with his feet,
and I'm going to show you heavy, fatherfucker! Fireball, y'all!
(HOWLS)
APPLAUSE
The world's oldest dog just turned 21.
It's a Dachshund, but it can't see, hear or walk.
That's not actually a dog, is it?
That's a draft excluder that shits itself.
Did you see that fertility clinic that raffled a human egg?
Raffled a human egg.
Surely life is hard enough growing up and finding that you're adopted
without growing up to find out you were first prize in a raffle,
and your brother and sister are a box of Dairy Milk
and a fucking goldfish.
Have you heard this?
There are certain types of cancer
that women are more likely to get if they give blow jobs.
And they're more likely to get those types of cancer
the more different cocks they suck.
Now, you've never heard that, have you?
And the reason you've never heard that is that men control the news!
In other news, sucking cocks causes cancer.
The weather, quickly, the weather!
That's the end of this week. See you same time next week, fatherfuckers!
♪ Well, there she goes with a brand-new love affair
♪ Dancing with him like she don't even care
♪ Well, let her dance with him
♪ Let her dance all night long
♪ Let her dance, dance, dance
♪ Let her dance, let her dance, Let her dance, dance, dance
♪ Well, who would have known that just yesterday... ♪
Subtitles by Red Bee Media