♪ Well, let her dance with him all night long
♪ Let her dance to our favourite song
♪ Well, let her dance with him
♪ Let her dance all night long
♪ Dance, let her dance,
♪ Dance, let her dance
♪ Dance, let her dance... ♪
APPLAUSE
Welcome to Tramadol Nights.
Don't worry, it's going to be fuckin' mental.
How are you doing, madam? what do you do?
I work in a factory.
You work in a factory. what are you making in the factory?
Air conditioning units.
Air conditioning units!
Do you thinks that's a job for life in the recession?
In a country that's as cold as fuck?!
It was either work in the air conditioning factory,
or become a pineapple farmer, and I thought...
"Let's go with the safe option here!"
How are you doing, little gay fella? You all right, man?
I'm not gay, I'm not gay. I just occasionally end up on my knees
in front of three different cocks with a face like a Chelsea bun!
Do you know that show, The Secret Millionaire?
Apparently they can't make that any more because people are wise to it.
So any time people see someone in a poor area, like a camera crew,
they just assume it's a millionaire.
Which is why I think the time is right...
to start making The Secret Rapist.
"My life's been so hard, bringing up my two boys since I got paralysed.
"Are you going to write me a cheque?"
Not exactly, no.
A survey came out which said that one in four school boys
worries about the size of their penis.
I certainly worried about the size of my dick when I was at school.
As often, the pupils I was teaching could tell I had an erection.
Another survey said that the thing women hate most about men
is that they leave the toilet seat up.
What a relief that that has topped the poll
above rape and domestic violence.
Yet again.
You were nodding there, is that a pet hate of yours?
He looks like he leaves it up
so that you can see that the underneath needs cleaning as well!
He looks old school.
"Leave it up, otherwise the pish bounces all over the place!"
Did you see that pastor in Florida,
who was going to make a bonfire of the Koran,
to send a message to Muslim extremists?
The message being...
"Come and kill me!"
I'm all in favour of the full-length burka, myself.
As it allows me to masturbate in Tesco.
Who doesn't like the burka?
It's like a sexual scratch card, isn't it?
I often make my girlfriend wear a burka,
so I can fantasise that I'm pumping a ninja.
She doesn't like it
but at least I don't have to look at her disappointed face.
I was out with my wee boy the other day, my wee boy's three,
and we saw a woman in a burka.
And I was trying to explain what it was.
I suppose I was trying to explain what religious observance is.
And then I thought, "Fuck it,"
and told him it was a black person's ghost.
Yeah, all very funny till I get shot in a car park!
Oscar Wilde said that the books the world calls immoral
are the books that show the world its own sickness.
We hear the words "right" and "wrong" every day,
yet, like all moral labels, they are subjective.
So what is right... and what is wrong?
Hello to Pakis everywhere.
That was very probably...wrong.
So, in fact, it's an ancient Sanskrit symbol
meaning, "Good luck".
So put this on your lunch box
and you're going to have a lucky lunch.
Hey, Cookie Monster!
I haven't seen you around in a while, what've you been up to?
No, you're mistaken, Tom.
Me not the Cookie Monster, me been getting me palate fixed.
Me don't want cookie.
Me want pussy.
Me the Pussy Monster!
Ah! That right?
I thought you wanted cookies?
No, no, no. Unless cookie is slang for "black pussy".
In which case, me want cookie!
Again...
probably wrong.
Look at you, fuckin' staring up at Frankie.
You and your poofy sketches.
Tell us a joke about the Orange Walk and fuck off, man!
I've nothing against the Orange Walk,
I just think if you march about in a sash,
you should be forced to do it once in evening wear,
once in a swimsuit. All right?
How are you doing, man? What do you do?
Eh, I'm a football coach.
You're a football coach!
You're a paedophile who failed his priest exams!
Who are you coaching?
Eh...
Right, take a while to make it up, right?
Seeing as you're lying anyway.
Under 10s.Under 10s, yeah.
How do you do it? Over the internet?
"Aye, I'll teach you a few things about technique, son.
"I'll be driving a car...
"And if you could just leap into the boot as I go by your school."
How are you doing? What do you do?
I'm a physiotherapy exercise instructor.
A physiotherapy exercise instructor. You two could team up
and be a really overqualified Ian Brady and Myra Hindley.
"Let's do these murders properly!"
How do you do, where are you from?
Uddingston.
Uddingston?
What do you get if you cross a bloke from Uddingston
with another bloke from Uddingston?
Two cunts!
I used to go out with a lassie in Uddingston.
I'd always walk her home at night, cos if anything happens there,
it's good to be with someone you can outrun.
Tell me what you know about the arms shipment!
I'll be telling you nothin', freak!
Unfortunately for you,
my lasso of truth means you can't help being completely honest.
Now, tell me!
I'd really like to fuck you, Wonder Woman.
I'd really like to fuck your tits.
Urgh.
Nothin', I tells you.
I'd fuck you so hard, Wonder Woman,
your gynaecologist would think you'd been in a car accident.
Tell me about the arms shipment.
I really don't know anything about it.
Wow.
You're the first guy I've met in weeks
that doesn't just want to fuck me.
Want to go for a drink?
The deal is being done on Pier Nine at midnight.
I'll try to find out something else real soon!
Something bigger!
Wonder Woman, I'm here to warn you about the road you're on.
Giving hand jobs for information,
Batman and I have both found that it can be a slippery slope.
This is definitely the last information I'm giving you.
Aargh!
Great Scott, I seem to have hit a Boeing 747.
Join us after the break with news of Superman
saving a passenger aircraft
with a golden lasso tied round his balls.
Cookie!
Me want cookie!
I'm not a cookie.
You wrong, baby!
What's that?
The worst thing I've ever done?
Lindsay Lohan.
What's me name, bitch?
Oh, Cookie Monster!
No, no, no.
Me the fuckin' Pussy Monster!
Cookie!
Sharon Stone, if you looked at her now,
you'd say that she wasn't worth the sweat it'd take to rape her.
Back in the day, she was something else.
If you stop Basic Instinct at nine minutes thirty two,
she's standing on the stairs.
If you look very carefully, you can see my cum flying past her ear.
Ooh, just like that baby!
Aargh...
Just like that, aargh...
Cookie!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
How are you doing, man?
You're just staring down at the floor, as if that's going to fuckin' protect you.
"I'll stare at the floor and he'll fuckin' move along."
Wow, your face goes really fuckin'red, do you know that?
Is this your girlfriend?
You've brought these two women?
You're part of Glasgow's burgeoning porn scene?
I saw a Scottish woman in a pornothe other night.
It was American porno and they were doing that porn thing they do in America,
"Do you know what's going to happen to you, honey? Do you know what I'm going to do?"
And she went, "Dunno. Spunk onus?"
She was right, too!
A fuckin' good guess.
Twitter. You know how people say Twitter is replacing
conversation or it's replaced texting?
I never texted anyone to tell them that I'd just made some toast.
What Twitter has replaced ismuttering to yourself.
"Oh, that was a nice slice of applepie."
"I'd better tell every cunt about it!"
Twitter's the only place where I can tell a teenage fan that
I want to fuck her with a claw hammer and she'll re-tweet it
to all herfriends, thinking that I'm joking.
At which point, her friends will start to follow me and I have to buy more claw hammers.
Do you know what I just found out? Wikipedia isn't an encyclopaedia. It's just fuckers taking a guess!
I'd feel a lothappier about Wikipedia
if every entry started with, "I reckon...".
Do you know the biggest sector for retail growth in Britain,
the only growing sector?
Pound shops.
Quite sad for the homeless, isn't it?
How can you sell someone a Big Issue
when for the same money they can buy a fuckin' china leopard?
An old woman threw a cat in a bin, that's a news story now?
Is that what this country's coming to?
Could she really not be bothered making the short walk to the canal?
Valerie Singleton had her autobiography out
and in it she said that she had an abortion when she was on Blue Peter.
And who can forget what a harrowing episode that was?
Because, I remember, they broke a coathanger off the advent crown!
Do you remember thatshow The A-Team?
What if the A-Team had been real Vietnam vets?
What if they'd actually been more like they'd fought in Vietnam
and gone mental.
Imprisoned for a genocide they did not commit.
And two they did. And some other shit.
If you have a problem, and if you can find them, they can help.
In exchange for speed and morphine goofballs.
Looks like we got ourselves a job, boys.
That's great, Hannibal, but how are we going to break Murdoch out of the mental asylum?
Easy. We'll just take him with us.
All right, but I ain't gettin' on no plane. I hate planes.
And women! Loud noises!
And memories!
You really need to get a handle on your paranoia, BA.
Our real enemy is sleep.
And the fuckin' Mexican Army!
Well, since my divorce...
Divorce? BA's got a cannon for that!
Don't worry, we've done a lot of these jobs. That bitch is dead.
No, since my divorce I've been bringing my kids up here
on the farm, but now a big company istrying to force us to sell up.
Shut up, Murdoch!
No matter how tough these guys thinkthey are, they didn't spend
five years hanging upside down bytheir ankles in a bamboo cage.
Is that what happened to you?
It happened to my ex-wife's lawyer.
I won that one, I'm going to win this one, too.
We're going to get thisMcMaster bastard.
Hey, I'm McMaster.
Right.
BA, defuse the bomb underMr McMaster's car.
Face, think of a reason why Mr McMaster's daughter won't be
coming home from college this summer.
Right, let's go get this McMaster.
You'd better not be giving me drugged milk, to get me on a plane!
No.
This has PCP in it, to give me the strength to fight you.
We ain't even getting' on a plane! Who else wants some?
I can't believe we got taken by these clowns!
We probably shouldn't have all taken morphine
and played with a dog on their lawn.
That gives me an idea.
Fuck, that's right. I had a plan.
Come on.
I love it when someone gets killed.
I don't think you'll be getting any more trouble.
Although I'd be careful when you leave the house,
because your whole farm is quiteheavily booby trapped.
Thank you. How can I ever pay you for this?
You pay us in Dexydrin.
What are we laughing at?
Who are you?
Hello, fatherfuckers.
The boys is here to help me teach you all about pussy.
A lotta shit look like a pussy.
Frankie, your face when you got a beard,
that look like a pussy!
Danny Dyer look like a pussy menstruating for the last time.
Obama's exit wound, that gonna look like a pussy.
A werewolf's broken shin, that look like pussy.
Say, you guys aren't just trying to keep me talking
till the copsget here?
(ALL) No, no, no.
Me know a song about pussy!
♪ One, two
♪ Three, four!
♪ P. U. S, S, Y
♪ P. U. S, S, Eeh
♪ P. U. S, S, Y
♪ P. U. S, S, Oh
♪ P. U. S, S, Y
APPLAUSE
Oh, hello there. You've caught me going through the casts'
personal effects, to make my daily drug smoothie.
Of course, we have a little Tramadol, so we can see superheroes,
a little Dihydrocodeine so we canbesuperheroes,
and you know, I'd take any old shit if they told me it was drugs.
But the thing is, I wouldn't eat a biscuit if it fell on the floor.
Well... What is to be learned from tonight's episode?
I'd like to tell ya, but my tongue'ssuddenly to numb to talk.
So we're fighting a couple of wars now. Well, we call them wars,
basically we're just murdering a whole bunch of fuckin' shepherds.
And what gets me is our callousness as a society
when we read out our dead in the news first, because our lives
are more important. Other people's lives aren't worth as much.
"A bomb went off in Kandahar today, killing two British servicemen,
three UN relief workers - and a whole bunch of Pakis."
Or that thing we do! The minute we stop killing the shepherds,
we start building them a fuckin' hospital!
"Let's build these people ahospital,
"so they're better able to cope with us the next time we're intown".
It's a bit like a rapist paying for his victim to take yoga lessons.
"Work on the splits, baby, because I'm coming back!"
I've always hated that thing the army do
when they give a medal to a carrier pigeon or a sniffer dog that's helped them out or something.
Must be quite galling if you had a son who died.
"Sorry, Mrs McCreadie, I'm afraidthat your boy's been killed by a landmine,
"but on the brightside, Bingo here retrieved his leg!
"So we've given him the George Cross and let him keep the bone".
'Ministry of Defence'. At least in the old days we were honest. 'Ministry of War'.
"Hello, Ministry of War, Department of Nigger Bombing, how can I help?"
With all this scaremongering about Iran now, the truth is, we don't
know who's got nukes - we couldall get blown up tomorrow by Sweden.
"Yes,ve have destroyed your cities
"and now you must turn to usto refurnish zem!"
Swedish people sound surprisingly like gay German people.
Or that little Martian that used to chase after Bugs Bunny.
I've got two little kids now,
two little kids, so I have a lot of sleepless nights,
lying awake wishing that I'd come in their mum's tits.
When I was a teenager, I was alwaysterrified of the idea that
one day I'd die. Now it's the only fuckin' thing that keeps me goin'!
We have a lot of role play in our sexlife.
She likes to dress up and pretend to be Catwoman and I pretend that I love her.
Here's something you're not supposed to say.
I went to the birth of my son and it really put me off having sex.
And you know, why can't youtalk about that?
If, I saw my girlfriend being unfaithful to me,
if I walked in and saw a black cock going into my girlfriend,
I could say, "Well, that's put me off sex".
Yet I'm supposed to watch something four times the girth,
heading in the opposite direction, with a face - with my fuckin' face -
screamin'? I don't have to remember that black cock's birthday!
I won't have to take that black cock to the zoo every other week.
When that black cock gets sick, I won't have to take
a day off work, because it can't go to fuckin' black cock nursery school!
That'sit! Same time next week, fatherfuckers!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd