Evening, Sheriff. Cold enough for you?
Yeah. Exactly how the holidays should be.
Hey, guys. Happy holidays.
What's up?
Yeah. Whatever.
What's up with them? Yeah, they're cranky because we're snowbound.
Their vacation plans are pretty much ruined.
Oh.
Um, why don't you make a round of hot chocolate?
Keep them coming. You got it.
Hey, guys. So, stuck in Eureka for the holidays, huh?
I used to try to escape Eureka at Christmas
until one year when I got stranded here.
Yeah. It was crazy.
(CHUCKLING) Okay, gather 'round.
You can hear all about it. Do we have to?
Sheriff's badge says yes. (KIDS SIGHING)
There you go. Enjoy.
Oh, boy.
Ah.
It was deep in December and, like every year,
Zoe and I were heading out of town to spend the holiday
with family, which was great
because it was one of the hottest Christmas weeks Eureka had ever seen.
What's going on?
You can't leave, Sheriff.
No one in or out.
The electromagnetic shield over Eureka's malfunctioning.
Doesn't look like anything's... (SCREAMS)
Right now, it's more electro than magnetic. It's getting worse.
You better shut that thing down.
And leave Global Dynamics vulnerable to the prying eyes of the rest of the world?
Sorry, Sheriff, no can do.
So, we're trapped here for Christmas?
It's 85 degrees.
Dad, they're trying to fix it. Just let them.
All right, well, don't overexert yourselves.
We'll make the best of it.
Merry Christmas!
ZOE: Wait, so you make elf footprints?
Yeah, you dip little sponges shaped like shoes in baby powder
You can't let a little heat ruin your holiday.
Today I have strung up cranberries, we have baked gingerbread.
All right, feast your eyes, people.
Limited edition, copper cast from my Secret Santa.
Oh, and he left this for you.
For me? Wow, how cool.
You know who it is? No. That's why he's a secret.
Open it.
Come on.
Oh, wow, The Clash on vinyl.
I love them. I wonder who knew.
Not you. Well, come on...
(LAUGHS)
No, I couldn't have.
ALLISON: No, wasn't me.
Well, this is my little gift to all of you.
You say little.
Is that meatloaf? It's fruit cake.
Oh. Um, yeah, I'm still digesting a piece from last year.
No, no, no, trust me. This is like a little Christmas miracle.
Eat it. Eat it. VINCENT: Come on.
(ALLISON LAUGHS)
Oh. Holy cow!
Oh!
That... Even the raisins are incredible.
I blended 96 different varieties.
Everything from Alexandroulis to Zilvaca.
How do you get them all in one piece?
That, my friend, is the secret.
CARTER: Mmm.
(BEEPING)
Oh.
What's going on?
It's a code 12.
Air assault. We have a bogey. (SIREN BLARING)
All right, everybody, down! Down! Take cover.
All right, stay inside!
(SIRENS WAILING)
All right, everyone, can I have your attention? Can you get inside, please?
This is not a drill. Possible airstrike headed for town!
Everyone, get off the streets now. Thank you.
Get into position.
CARTER: Sir, thank you, inside. Keep it going.
Everybody inside. Inside. Thank you.
JO: Ready? Clear! Clear the road!
JO: Steady. What's up, Jo?
First someone messed with our E.M. Shield, now we're under attack.
From what?
G.D. Radar detected an unauthorized vehicle in our airspace over town.
(BEEPING) Bogey's crossed the threshold.
Weapons hot! Take aim!
Oh, hey, hang on! That's not a plane!
Hold your fire! Hold your fire!
Ho! Ho! Ho! Crap!
BOY 1: Santa's sleigh? Seriously?
You don't believe me? GIRL: Where do I start?
One, reindeer can't fly.
Well, stranger things have happened in Eureka.
Yeah? And who was driving this tactical assault sleigh?
I'm getting to that. So...
It's not every day we get to track down a runaway Santa.
So Jo and I, we jump at the chance.
I want nothing to do with this.
Oh, like I do. Hey, the town's your turf.
Which your trigger happy Santa SWAT team invaded.
Sorry, Carter... Holiday party starts soon at G.D.
And I'm on crowd control.
Oh, well, that's... ZOE: Hey.
Shouldn't you guys be chasing down Kringle?
No, what I should be doing is drinking winter ale with your uncles, watching ball games.
And by watching he means arguing.
Yes. Is there someplace else I can be useful? Please.
Oh, I'm sure Allison could use some help at G.D.
A few people got banged up avoiding Santa. I'll take you.
Perfect. See you, Dad. Oh.
Give Santa my best.
Chase down a fake stupid Santa.
It's like 900 degrees.
I'm never going to get home...
FARGO: To the left. Yes, chief.
No the other left. Relax, Fargo, it's just a party.
No, it's the party. The time where
G.D. Family comes together in the spirit of giving.
More candles. It's time all you geeks
fly your freak flags every year.
No, that's Comic Con. Look...
I've got a tight budget and a building full of people to feed.
If we run low on latkes, believe me, things will get ugly.
I will charge my Taser. (BEEPING)
Oh, security breach in Sub Lab 22.
I can't wait for this day to be over.
Hold it right there. What do you think you're doing?
Hey, Jo. Just taking my experiment home.
And you are?
Noah Drummer. Condensed matter physicist.
Well, I'm sorry, Doctor Drummer,
there's no authorization for you to take your little ornament home.
Actually, it's crystallized hydrogen.
Can't leave it here unattended during the holidays. Too unstable.
So you're shoving it into a sack?
Well, it's lined with non-ionizing fiber and red tungsten.
If my ornament's not handled carefully, bad things could happen.
Yes, it's very menacing. What is it for, anyway?
Just a little thing called peace on earth.
It's an energy source.
Once fully formed, it'll provide limitless power, very cheaply.
One less reason for war.
Well, that is a very lovely concept.
But nothing's going to happen to it here, not on my watch.
Not that I doubt your abilities, but I'd really prefer to keep it with me.
Yeah, I'm sorry, Doc. The crystal stays here.
All right.
How's that? Feels okay.
Mostly I'm starving.
That's weird. Me too. You know what?
It must be Vincent's amazing hors d'oeuvres we're smelling from the party.
You're all set. Thanks.
Merry Christmas, Doctor Blake, Zoe.
ALLISON: You're all set, honey.
Hey, you okay?
Yeah.
It's just always the same thing every year.
Dad can't wait to go home and it's always so much better in theory than in reality.
I'm just actually really glad that we're stuck here.
Me too. You know, we never get to spend the holidays together.
The more, the merrier.
You really get into it, huh?
I just think we could all use a little more magic in our lives, you know?
Hey look, Secret Santa struck again.
What... When did that get here?
ZOE: Open it.
(LAUGHS) Bunny slippers.
I used to have a pair of these when I was a kid. This is perfect.
I got to find out who this guy is.
Kringle can run, but he can't hide.
(CHUCKLES)
(SIREN WAILING)
Oh, no.
Can I help you? Mr. Claus, I presume.
Mr. Claus?
Season's greetings, mate.
Taggart, do you have any idea what you've done?
You've damaged our E.M. Shield, our E.M. Shield!
I did not. I was held up in me lab running field tests.
Tests for what? For science, mate.
I'm pioneering the field of Santology.
That's not a science. It will be.
Nearly every culture has a myth about the man.
Santa Claus, Pere Noel, Kris Kringle, Saint Nick.
I'm replicating everything he does and explaining it with physics and technology.
What about flying reindeer? (DEVICE BEEPING)
Holographic. They're misbehaving currently.
This little beauty runs on a pulse detonation engine.
All weather resistant.
Uses state of the art stealth technology
(WHISPERING) to fly invisibly under the radar.
Taggart,
your giant red sled is neither stealthy
nor invisible.
Well, I've still got a few kinks to work out.
Now, be a Santa's little helper and give us a tow back to G.D.
Sure. Cheers, mate.
(SIGHS)
(CLINKING GLASS) (CLEARING THROAT)
Friends, colleagues,
I started planning this party months ago,
determined to provide an unforgettable, yet fiscally responsible celebration.
Today, we gather together...
Oh, save it, Fargo, we're starving.
CROWD: Yeah!
Fine. And without further ado...
(CROWD CHEERING)
Okay, people, you've got two hours and 58 minutes until I shut this place down.
Eat, drink, be merry.
TAGGART: It was late on Christmas Eve.
I was just a wee lad, no more than seven
(WHISPERING) when I heard something, and crept downstairs.
That's when I saw him. Just a glimpse.
A quick flash of red by the tree.
Taggart, it was probably your father in red pajamas.
One might think.
But I found this by the fireplace.
Lint? A tear from Santa's trousers.
I've tested the fibers, they're fire resistant.
Again, not Santa. Red pajamas.
Also been working on a gadget for easy chimney descension.
And fancy this.
I made it just for you.
You went all out. Imagine all the presents Santa has to fit in his sack.
But by putting M-theory
and the concept of 11th dimensionality into practice...
Yeah, wait, ho, ho, ho. Wait, Santa's a physicist now?
Oh, he's very clever.
He temporarily shifts matter through the dimensional membrane.
That way, objects can lose mass but maintain integrity.
(MACHINE WHIRRING) Oh, oh, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Don't you want to open your present?
Set her there, mate. Come on. Come on.
Holy smokes.
A can of "Christmas Cheer"?
Go on. Pop the top.
(SINGING CHRISTMAS CAROL)
They're programmed to your voice.
And they're yours for the day every time you say, "Christmas. "
Thanks, Taggart, for making this a very creepy Christmas.
(SINGING CHRISTMAS CAROL)
Santology? Yeah. I think he's going for a degree.
Something about a minor in tooth fairy.
Well, myth and folklore come from somewhere, Carter.
Some ancient cultures believed that wrapping moldy bread on a wound
would make it heal faster.
Yeah, that's why ancient cultures died out.
No, they didn't know that mold was penicillin and it fought off infection.
Yeah, but we're talking about Santa Claus, not antibiotics.
As scientists, we have to explore all possibilities, to be open to the "what if. "
Right there, great.
(SIGHS)
Oh, hey, Lupo, you want to tell me what you want for Christmas?
This one's for naughty. This one's for nice.
I'll pass.
Oh, come on. Where's your Christmas spirit?
Seriously, you okay?
I have a town full of yahoos that I have to babysit. I am super.
Taggart's Santa.
You just wrecked Christmas with two words.
Hmm. Why is it so hot in here?
I don't know. The A.C. Is cranked up to 11.
Oh, just, hey, hang on a minute. Let me just grab a couple.
I just hope I made enough. This crowd is ravenous.
Mmm.
Great. More crystal lab issues.
Do I want to know?
It's this tiny little glowy thing.
I caught this strange scientist trying to take it home earlier.
Well, this is G.D. Be specific.
Um, his name's Drummer.
Never heard of him.
Doctor Drummer?
I thought you said little glowy thing.
It used to be.
This is unbelievable. Under normal conditions,
it would take decades to crystallize hydrogen into a sample this size.
Key word, normal.
Is it me or is it already bigger?
Henry, what's going on? I don't know,
but if it keeps growing at this rate, it'll breach the lab in 20 minutes.
We need to move it to a larger containment unit.
Doctor Drummer said that it was unstable.
Uh... Wait, it's going to explode?
Well, yeah, if it... If it moves beyond the protective shielding,
it could fracture and... Boom.
Merry Christmas.
(SINGING CHRISTMAS CAROL)
How do I turn this off? Hang on, they're pretty good.
Henry. All right, all right, find Doctor Drummer.
I'll supervise the transfer,
and maybe he can tell us why this is expanding.
(CONTINUE SINGING)
Man, that guy must be roasting.
Tell me about it. I had to ice my hot toddies.
Hey, Zane.
Are you crying?
What? No. No.
I just got two tickets to see Springsteen at the Meadowlands.
Let me guess, Secret Santa.
You too? The perfect gift. Man, this guy's good.
No one's even heard of Drummer. We've been all through G.D.
There are no personnel files for him.
Well... That's impossible.
There's no way that he could have access to the lab, let alone get into G.D.
We've got to find him. His experiment's growing.
Well, there has to be a way to track him down. The D.O.D. Has files.
The glitch in the E.M. Shield crashed our server.
We're cut off from the outside world.
I'll find him. If he goes to leave, he's going to hit a wall.
Wasn't me. I thought Zane was my Secret Santa.
Why would you think that? Only someone who could hack my computer
would know I've been searching the internet for years looking for this.
Steve Austin. Better. Stronger. Faster.
Seriously?
It's authentic. Original hinges, not a chip on it.
You have no idea how rare.
Okay, well, it wasn't Zane.
Well, then someone was thinking of me, and I'm going to find him.
So you can thank him?
So I can suspend him. No one hacks Fargo and gets away with it.
Not even Santa.
Okay.
Hello, Fargo.
Hi, Steve Austin.
(IMITATING SOUND EFFECT)
Wow.
ALLISON: The crystal is safe in our largest containment lab.
But I'd say it's still growing.
HENRY: What we need to do now is calculate the expansion rate.
ALLISON: Right. So we can figure out
how much time we have before it outgrows this lab.
This image represents the density of electrons within the crystal 10 minutes ago.
Anything unusual?
No, but we'll know more once I do another diffraction scan as a comparison.
I don't care if we're on a wild goose chase looking for this missing scientist.
At least it's time away from that party.
You're not feeling the merry, huh?
(SCOFFS) All the boozing and schmoozing, lights and glitter.
It's Vegas, not Christmas.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I wish I was home.
It's beautiful, Carter, I'm all misty.
You know what, Jo, you got a heart of stone.
Bah, humbug. That's me.
CARTER: Wow.
They look the same. Yeah, the intermolecular spacing is identical.
ALLISON: Henry, what if...
Oh.
So the crystal hasn't changed. No.
(PHONE BEEPING)
Yeah? CARTER: Henry, we're at the edge of town,
and something else has gotten way big.
Well, no, it hasn't gotten bigger.
We've gotten smaller.
Dun dun duh!
So, what? The whole town was shrinking?
Oh, I'm telling it how it happened.
GIRL: Even though it's totally bogus.
(LAUGHING)
All right, I'll let you guys go back to playing your video games.
I won't waste anymore of your time.
Well, wait, I mean, you may as well just finish the rest of the story.
BOY 2: Please, Sheriff Carter.
All right.
So, after we left the sign,
we went back to Global Dynamics.
We and everything contained in the E.M. Shield are getting smaller.
Why isn't the crystal shrinking?
Well, because it's one of the strongest
Bravais lattice atomic structures in the universe.
It's almost impossible to alter or compress.
But we get to shrink into microscopic dots of nothingness.
And as everything in Eureka gets smaller,
the energy required to compress radiates heat.
Is that why it's like a billion degrees in here?
Yes. And why we've been so hungry.
Our metabolism's working overtime.
So what now?
Maybe someone outside of Eureka
will see how small we are and try to help us.
Oh, like a big-hearted elephant?
The road's closed, and nothing is getting through that E.M. Shield.
It's a pretty bleak Christmas.
(SINGING CHRISTMAS CAROL)
You must stop!
What's causing the shrinkage?
Yeah, I don't want to die a miniature, though adorable, version of myself.
CARTER: A miniature... Taggart.
Let's go!
(CONTINUE SINGING)
Taggart?
(GASPS)
Ha! It works.
Get me down.
(GRUNTS)
Of course, the man himself packs a lot more paunch.
I'll need to widen the net.
You can't trap Santa Claus.
(SCOFFS) I'm Ahab. He's my white bearded whale.
F.Y.I., that didn't turn out very well for either one of them.
Now, the present you gave me, the M-tracking, shifting...
Oh, good things come in small packages.
No, it's a big mess. The whole town is shrinking.
(CHUCKLES)
You're joking. Does this look like my joking face?
My device can't be responsible.
Well, are you kidding me? Look where you live, a device is always responsible.
The molecular transfer field is very precise.
Atoms shift from our dimension in space-time to another.
Leaving us with this.
See? Tip top. It's not my device.
(BEEPING)
That can't be good.
The transfer field's expanded beyond the target area.
Expanded by how much?
Oh, roughly, um,
the whole town.
Eureka's getting smaller by the minute.
It looks like the only thing containing the miniaturization effect
is the E.M. Shield.
And the E.M. Shield is a big sparking mess right now.
I don't understand.
Unless it tried to miniaturize an item so dense it overtaxed the containment unit.
But I was very careful to avoid unusually dense material.
Unusually dense, like this?
Fruit cake? I beg your pardon?
You used Taggart's shrinking machine, didn't you?
(STAMMERING) I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, really?
Hi. Those little pieces aren't pieces at all, are they?
They're entire freaking cakes. Do you know how many calories I've ingested?
I just... (EXCLAIMS)
I just wanted to make a fruit cake that wouldn't be the object of ridicule.
I mean, they get such a bad rap, Sheriff!
(SIGHS) How'd you get in there?
The molecular gastronomy department across the hall.
I consult from time to time.
Mmm. Keep talking.
Well, I re-shrunk each cake about a half a dozen times.
It's the only way to maximize the fruity, nutty goodness that is fruit cake.
Why are you looking at me like that? No reason.
I'm so sorry, Sheriff.
You'd think a Santa lab would be a safe place.
(BEEPING) Yeah, you'd think.
What's wrong now?
What isn't?
(WIND BLOWING)
Oh, wow.
Hey, Jo, some stuff just blew into town. Um, big stuff.
Keep everybody inside, okay?
Uh, hey everybody, can I have your attention?
I need you stay inside off the streets, please.
Everybody, can you get off the streets?
(RUMBLING)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(YELLING)
You okay? All right.
(YELLING)
(GRUNTS)
So I understand we're all shrinking.
Doctor Drummer, where have you been?
Enjoying the party. You missed out. There was fruit cake.
I'm aware. Thanks.
Candy cane?
No, thank you. Look, there's a serious situation with your peace on earth crystal.
The containment lab is closing in on it.
I told you it had to be protected.
You were right, and now you have to fix it.
I know. Okay.
When did you stop liking candy canes? Do you remember?
When I had to grow up.
I know the holidays can be tough on military families.
Can we go now?
Sure. After you, Josephina.
If you can't shrink your crystal, Doctor Drummer,
it's gonna blow our little bits into little bits.
Have faith, Doctor Taggart.
Once we boost the power,
your device should be very effective.
But even if we shrink the crystal, we still have to un-shrink us.
You'll figure out a way, Henry.
You always do.
(STAMMERING) Have we met before?
We've crossed paths a few times.
Hey, how much juice are you giving this?
A megawatt. Better double it.
Focused energy is the key.
You know, your crystal's electron density is very unusual.
I mean, even for crystallized hydrogen.
Mmm-hmm.
It has an extra element that makes it unique.
Doctor Drummer, there shouldn't be secrets in science.
Oh, it shouldn't always be about science.
Some things are better left unexplained.
Sweetheart, just go ahead and eat what you want.
Yeah, listen, I made pudding, cake, four kinds of pies and...
Yeah Jenna's... Jenna's favorite is the apple.
I know. I know, baby. I'll be there as soon as I can. I'm sorry.
I love you too.
Okay, bye.
(SIGHS)
So, the three wise men are on it.
We might actually put an end to this horrible day.
Okay, Carter, we all know that you're miserable being stuck here,
but you don't have to ruin it for the rest of us.
No, no, no, no, That's not what I meant.
Oh, sorry.
I just like Christmas.
I know you do. I mean, you go all out.
You're making four different kinds of pies.
You know, it's because I've never had what you have.
What I have?
I love how your family gets together to celebrate.
Oh.
I grew up with a more practical version of the holiday.
Practical doesn't sound fun.
No.
My parents, they're wonderful, but...
Well, they're scientists, so they put their faith in hard facts.
So yeah, I got presents, but they weren't from Santa
because my parents told me that he wasn't real and...
My gifts, they were never wrapped because, well, that's a waste of paper.
Ah.
So, I know that it sounds silly but I want my kids to have what I missed.
I want the magic.
So I do too much.
I think you do it right.
Thanks.
This procedure is very risky. We have to shrink the crystal without making it explode.
Or we could have a front row seat for a new inflationary epoch.
Hmm... A few moments after the Big Bang,
the universe underwent an extremely rapid expansion.
Well, isn't expansion what we're trying to do to us?
That's right. We need to make it explode,
that way we reverse the dimensional shunting...
Make us big again.
But we can't blow it up here.
The energy release will be massive.
But, no, no, no, no. If we shrink the crystal,
and then detonate it at the highest point of the E.M. Shield,
it'll be like throwing up a live grenade.
First we need to see if she gets any smaller.
Fingers crossed.
Make a Christmas wish, mini mates.
All right, let's get this puppy airborne!
Before the puppy explodes.
That's going to be a problem.
Heat plus shrinking equals not so healthy for our helicopters.
The rotors are completely warped.
Of course. Now we have no way to transport it.
Well, there is one way, mate.
But I'll need a little helper.
I'll fire her up.
(TAGGART SINGING CHRISTMAS CAROL)
I'm not wearing a pointy hat.
Fa, la, la, la, la.
Contact.
(CARTER SCREAMING)
(CONTINUES SCREAMING)
Create seatbelts? Claus doesn't use 'em.
Claus isn't flying.
I've logged 300 hours of flight time from Anchorage to Sydney.
(YELLS)
TAGGART: Just an air pocket, mate.
Okay, all clear.
Okay.
Taggart!
We have to go higher.
Hang tight! (SCREAMING)
(WHOOPING)
Here we go! Peak of the E.M. Shield!
Okay. Grab the crystal.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Autopilot engaged.
CARTER: On my mark!
Steady now. We only get one shot.
No pressure then. And...
Pull!
(TAGGART YELLING)
Ripper shot, mate!
Get it down! Fine, fine.
But let's do it in style.
(SCREAMING)
TAGGART: Yahoo!
Cleanup would be so much easier if only we'd gotten bigger
but the trash stayed small. Hmm.
I say leave it till tomorrow. It's been a rough day.
All my planning, what a fiasco.
Are you kidding, Fargo?
This was the best holiday party ever.
Not that I got to enjoy it, but...
Thanks, Jo.
Now go. Everyone's at Café Diem.
You're not coming?
In a minute.
(HUMMING)
ZOE: Hello, Jo.
Or should I say, Secret Santa?
What are you talking about?
You know what kind of music I like.
And Allison's stories about Christmas as a kid.
And you've probably seen Fargo search the web a million times for his lunchbox.
Go away.
But one thing that just didn't fit
was that you hate Christmas.
But you don't, do you?
When I was a kid, my favorite thing to do
was to give something special to my brothers
and just watch them light up when they opened their gifts.
Okay, so...
So now,
they're all in the service, in harm's way.
We haven't spent Christmas together in years.
Well, I'm glad that at least we get to spend it together.
Yeah, me too.
So, what did you get for my dad?
He was tough, but I think I nailed it.
Really?
(CHEERING)
All right!
Yeah! Hey!
How was your flight?
Bumpy. Yeah, so, Henry, are we bigger?
Back to normal.
Ah, not quite.
Part of your crystal still seems to be up there.
Would you look at that.
It's snowing.
The rapid expansion must have cooled the moisture in our atmosphere.
Henry, Henry, it's snowing.
It's snowing. (BOTH CHUCKLE)
Hi, we haven't met. I'm...
Jack Carter. Yeah.
Holiday to remember, huh?
Even by Eureka's standards.
You were supposed to be with your family.
Yeah. Yeah, I was.
I'm glad it all worked out for you then.
TAGGART: Cagey bugger.
Beg your pardon? Oh, I'm onto you now.
Let's you and me have a sit down.
I've got a lot of questions.
I'm afraid you're going to have to keep them, because I've got an errand to run.
You can't leave. I finally found ya.
I'm not quite sure what you mean, but don't worry, I'll be back.
Same time next year.
Huh.
BOY 1: Sheriff Carter...
Please tell me that you're not suggesting that this Drummer dude is Santa.
I'm just sharing the story.
You guys can believe what you want.
Was any of that true?
All of it, but here's the absolute truth.
Spending the holidays with friends and family in Eureka,
that's the best gift of all.
Wow, man, way too sappy.
Seriously. I got a cavity.
Yeah, but it's a pretty decent story, dude. Thanks.
Thanks, Sheriff. BOY 2: Thank you.
(SIGHS)
HENRY: We live in a community where every day we are presented with
unique challenges.
But today, let's remember and rejoice
at how wonderful it is to be alive,
and how lucky we are to be together.
Here, here.
ALL: Cheers.
What is that?
I don't know. You better open it.
ZOE: What do you think?
It's perfect.
You know, we could probably make it home if you still want to go.
We are home.
Merry Christmas, Dad. Merry Christmas.