( theme song playing )
Is everything ready, Schultz?
Jawohl, Kommandant.
Good.
Oh, Schultz, magnificent.
Mm, the table, yes, yes.
Oh, flowers, beautiful,
beautiful.
Schultz?
Some of the caviar is missing.
Imposs...
At 200 marks a pound, I count every egg.
I will see to it that this caviar
is deducted from your pay.
Ah, General Burkhalter.
Good evening, Klink.
Good evening, General Burkhalter.
This is Fraulein Eva, Fraulein Greta.
Don't they look charming?
Oh, yes, they look charming.
Danke, General.
Ja! Charming.
Schultz, the coats.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Good... very good, Klink.
Very inviting.
Thank you, Herr General.
Oh, and it's almost time.
Ja.
Ladies, this party is for a very important officer.
We want him to enjoy himself, relax, plenty of drink,
make him feel at home.
They are charming, absolutely charming.
We've been all through that, Klink.
( knocking on door )
He's here.
Remember, your cooperation is essential
if you know what I mean.
Ah, Colonel Hogan, good evening.
Gentlemen. Good evening, Hogan.
I would like you to meet our other guests.
This is Fraulein Eva, Fraulein Greta.
Ladies.
Abend, Colonel. Guten Abend, Colonel.
Well...
it's, uh, like a smorgasbord.
Everything looks so good.
Drinks all around, Schultz.
For us, if you don't mind.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
We have a cozy little apartment in Hammelburg.
And the General promised us
we would be seeing more of you.
That Burkhalter is all a Kraut.
Having a good time, Hogan?
Beautiful.
They didn't promise anything like this
at the induction center.
General Burkhalter gives such marvelous parties.
You're a very thoughtful, considerate, generous host.
What do you want?
I think the ladies would like to powder their noses.
Ja, ja.
Ladies.
KLINK: Schultz.
Ja? On your next trip to the kitchen, stay there.
Powder your nose.
Jawohl.
Powder my nose?
Now, we can talk, Hogan.
You undoubtedly are familiar with the new fighter,
the American P-51.
Yes, it's supposed to be a pretty hot plane.
So hot in fact,
it is doing considerable damage to the Luftwaffe.
That's good news. Prosit!
Hogan, that's in bad taste.
I guess you're right.
After all, it is your picnic.
Eventually, we will shoot down one
and piece the wreckage together
and find out what it is
that makes this plane so effective.
You are absolutely right, General Burkhalter.
Thank you.
But that might take some time
and we need the P-51, now.
You need the P-51 now?
I want you to go to England,
steal one of the planes, and fly it back to us.
Is that all you want?
You didn't have to give me a good meal just for that.
Excellent, Hogan, excellent.
I would have said, "Drop dead" on an empty stomach.
You're kidding, right?
A little Teutonic humor to go with the wine and the rich food?
We are prepared to pay you $1 million
and safe conduct to Switzerland
for a P-51 delivered here.
You guys really mean it.
$1 million.
Stop saying it.
You'll activate my hay fever.
Colonel Hogan?
You just don't walk into an American Air Force base
and steal a plane.
I mean, they count those things every night.
I am convinced you can do it.
Suppose I get to England and decide to stay there?
A Luftwaffe officer
will accompany you posing as an American.
Suppose I have him arrested?
Your men will be executed as hostages.
You think of everything.
We try.
It can't be done.
You would have plenty of help.
Help?
We have a very efficient organization
operating in England.
Espionage.
Correct.
The man who goes with you
will know how to contact them.
Well, I had a very nice time at your party, gentlemen.
Think it over, Hogan.
Forget it. Not interested.
The champagne and the girls
will be here tomorrow night, too.
No, thanks.
I'll just stay in my motel on the other side of the tracks.
Good night, gentlemen.
What if you go to England and you don't come back?
They hold you guys as hostages.
I don't show up--
bang, bang, you all fall down.
Ask a terrible question, you get a terrible answer.
A million bucks, though.
The way those Krauts spend money.
The war is way over budget now.
For a quick minute there, it was mighty tempting.
Well, it's been an expensive evening.
I think I'll hit the sack.
How can you sleep after a decision like that?
I'll count P-51s jumping over a villa in Switzerland.
See you in the morning, Colonel.
Good night, sir.
Good night.
Good night, Carter.
Good night.
A million bucks is a lot of dough.
Yeah, no bloody tax on it.
I tell you one thing: I think he was tempted.
No, not Colonel Hogan.
For a lump of money like that, anybody might.
Anybody.
Everybody up.
NEWKIRK: What, what is it?
Carter, the door.
There's one little detail I forgot to mention.
It's a million dollars plus ten cents a mile.
Burkhalter was so sure of me, he tipped his hand.
The Krauts have a spy organization in England.
No. Oh, you're kidding.
No wonder the war is taking so long.
The man they send with me
will know how to get in touch with that organization
in case we need help.
How does that change anything?
If he knows, I can find out.
And if I can find out,
counterintelligence can break it up.
Sir, let's see if we can't sort this out.
Don't bother.
I've made up my mind:
I'm going to England to steal that plane.
Colonel, are you sure you're doing the right thing?
Carter, you dare to question a man with $1 million...
in cash?
Not in cash.
( dance music playing )
( music stops )
Hogan.
Time to buy more tickets, sir?
We must talk.
Can't we talk and dance?
The party's over, Hogan.
I was just getting warmed up.
I will transfer you to a place where you will cool down.
Out!
Jawohl, Kommandant.
Ladies, please.
All right, Hogan.
You have changed your mind.
Why?
A million reasons, General.
All cash.
Of course, that would interest you.
I will show you our good faith.
$1 million,
Hogan.
That's a heap of good faith, partner.
How exciting.
Klink! Look, but don't touch.
Spread it on the floor, General.
I'd like to wade through it barefoot.
You are ready then, Hogan?
Ready, General.
Good, you will leave at once.
We will take you to a channel port.
A boat will be provided.
You will cross to England
and report you have escaped from Stalag 13.
Who's going to accompany me?
A Luftwaffe officer.
He'll have to know something about Stalag 13.
They'll interrogate us.
Exactly!
That's why I've chosen Colonel Klink.
Me?
General, you didn't mention anything
about this being a suicide mission.
He knows Stalag 13, he speaks English...
He'll have to have a cover story.
Sometime ago,
an American flying officer, Major Davis, was shot down.
His death has not yet been reported to the Red Cross.
That will be Major Davis?
Yes.
We have papers, identity cards,
and he's about the same size as the Major.
He'll have to know who to contact in England
if we need help.
I will brief him on that, personally.
There are details, General.
What landing field to use,
radio identification, if we do get the plane.
That will be all taken care of before you leave.
Good luck, gentlemen.
Thank you, General Burkhalter.
Well, Colonel Hogan,
we are off to a glorious adventure.
Please stand at attention
when you address a superior officer.
"To Colonel Forbes, London Headquarters.
"Expect to arrive England next three days.
"Special mission; will need assistance.
Please wait for my contact."
Send it right away, Baker.
Use the special emergency code.
Can't take chances with this one.
Will do.
Colonel? Mm-hmm?
You're not giving them much information.
On purpose.
We're going to be interrogated
by desk officers and clerks.
I don't want anybody to get nervous
and alert Klink.
Right.
MAN: I'll read your statement to you gentlemen.
You tell me if we've got it down correctly.
"Statement of Colonel Robert Hogan
"and Major William Davis, U.S. Army Air Corps.
"Subject: Escape from Luft Stalag 13 as follows:
"We made our escape from Stalag 13
"by constructing a tunnel under the perimeter wire
"to the woods outside the camp.
"Using forged papers and travel permits,
"disguised as German civilians,
"we traveled across Germany to the city of Ostenda.
"We passed through several checkpoints successfully,
"and survived every challenge, because Major Davis,
one of the undersigned, speaks fluent German."
Is that true, Major?
Oh, ja, ja.
( speaking German )
You could pass for a Kraut anytime, sir.
Anytime.
Now, where were we?
Oh, yes.
"In Ostenda, we were able to make contact
"with an underground group
"that smuggled us aboard a fishing trawler,
"which then crossed the channel with us aboard
on the night of the 16th."
They're in that compartment, sir.
I can handle it from here, Lieutenant.
Yes, sir.
If you need any further assistance, Colonel Forbes,
just give us the word.
Thank you, Lieutenant.
"And we were immediately challenged by..."
Ten hut!
As you were, gentlemen.
Who are these officers?
Colonel Robert Hogan, Major William Davis.
Escaped from a Luft Stalag, just getting their statement.
Good, carry on.
Glad to have you back, gentlemen.
As soon as you reach London,
you'll be assigned to an air base for a few days
while we process your statement.
Provide them with a uniform as soon as possible.
If there's anything you want...
I could use a little sleep, a nice long sleep.
We'll be through in just a few minutes, sir.
Good.
You've done a fine job.
Thank you, thank you.
Major Davis speaks German like a real Kraut.
Oh, ja, ja, ja.
Really.
Yeah, well, none of us are perfect.
I think we've done very well, Hogan.
We have fooled them completely.
The bit with the monocle was a big help.
You almost blew the whole operation.
And my million dollars with it.
They don't suspect anything.
You Americans have a very sloppy security.
True.
And we're gonna march right into Berlin sloppy.
Hogan, if I were you I wouldn't be so nasty.
You're still an American prisoner of war. Shh.
( groans )
I miss my bedtime cup of cocoa.
What a shame. Why don't you call room service?
You'll get the biggest laugh of the war.
Good night, Charlie. See you tomorrow.
( chuckles )
Uh, sorry, gentlemen, wrong room.
Hi. Got quite a load on there.
Hey... feeling absolutely no pain whatsoever.
You know why?
I just finished my 50th mission,
and you know what that means--
( blows raspberry ): rotation, going home.
Congratulations.
It's New Year's Eve, pal. Mm-hmm.
Hey, how about you and the bald guy...
...having-having a blast with me?
What do you say? What do you say?
I would really prefer a cup of cocoa.
Hey.
( quietly ): Hogan!
I will not drink whiskey at this hour.
Play along, don't make waves.
One nice thing about a war, men,
it feels so good when it stops. Yeah.
Sir. Thanks.
Danke, danke.
Uh, uh,
Happy landing... buddy!
( chuckles )
Even in my condition, that's corny.
He's really in the Luftwaffe.
Hey, funny, funny.
To Baron von Richthofen and his flying circus.
Baron von Richthofen.
Mmm. That's not bad, not bad at all.
A little strong.
You know, I don't usually drink at bedtime.
I...
He really wanted cocoa.
He'll be out for at least 12 hours.
Lieutenant Mills, sir.
Quite a bartender.
Yeah. Brass is waiting, Colonel.
Okay, let's go.
Good night, Baron.
Go on, Hogan.
Well, my purpose, sir, was to get a line
on their espionage organization here.
Hmm. Jolly good scheme, I'd say.
Without killing off our Stalag 13 operation and the men.
What about it, Forbes?
If we can identify one of them, General,
we could probably crack the whole ring.
I can assure you we will cooperate to the fullest.
You have a plan, Hogan? Yes, sir.
Klink won't tell me the name of his contact,
but he might lead me to him.
That could take a bit of doing, Colonel.
If Klink and I need help in stealing that P-51,
he'll have no choice.
Do I have your approval, General?
By all means. Carry on.
All right, Colonel, tomorrow when we leave the base,
I want you to put a tail on us.
Understood, will do.
And tomorrow night, we'll steal that plane
and fly it back to Germany.
We can arrange the plane, Colonel.
I'm not thrilled about handing the Krauts a P-51.
We won't have to, General.
We may be able to break up their spy organization
and give them nothing in return.
KLINK: So these are the P-51s, huh?
HOGAN: Mm-hmm.
We didn't see them when we arrived.
Must have been in the hangar, sir.
Hogan, we're in luck.
We can go out there tonight and help ourselves.
Sure, and after the sentries shoot us,
we can help ourselves to the base hospital.
How'd you ever get to be a colonel?
Oh, my brother's wife... Not interested.
What we need is help, a diversion.
Of course, something to keep them busy.
What about your organization here?
Oh, I have the address in London.
All right, I'll get us a pass, we'll go up there tonight
and set the job for tomorrow night. Ja.
Mm.
Beautiful planes. Mm-hmm.
KLINK: No wonder we want one.
They look like a million bucks to me, sir.
Now, you understand, what we need, Herr Schindler?
Please...
if you don't mind,
refer to me as Brewster.
And, of course, you refer to me as Major Davis.
And just call me anxious.
Now, come on, can we get on with it?
Now, we have agents, civilian workers,
planted in the R.A.F. Fighter Control Headquarters.
Could they arrange a scramble order at the base we're at?
It's Fieldstone.
Ah, let's see.
Yes, our people can handle Fieldstone.
All right, tell them to call a scramble order
for tomorrow night, 2100 hours.
2100 hours, right.
Radio General Burkhalter, tell him to get in touch
with all anti-aircraft units and Luftwaffe fighter stations,
tell 'em to leave us alone.
Yes, I'll do that.
All right.
The rest is up to us.
Ja, ja.
This water is not as soft as ours in Germany,
I can tell you that.
Take your shower, will you, sir? Mm.
( shower running )
Morning, Hogan.
Morning, Colonel.
We've got Brewster tagged-- real name Schindler.
German national. He'll hang when we're ready.
Nice work.
He's leading us to lots of people.
You should leave him alone till we're gone.
Don't worry.
What about the plane?
Ready tonight on the line.
Look for fighter 108.
We'll need flying suits.
In the laundry hamper this afternoon, and two chutes.
Tell Klink I stole them.
Right. Good luck.
( Klink singing in German )
I'll need it.
Put your arm up.
And get your hand off of there.
( alarm blaring, men shouting )
( men shouting )
( alarm continues )
Everything according to plan. Good, good.
( over loudspeaker ): This is Colonel Forbes.
Fighter 108 is cleared for takeoff at north runway.
Special mission.
Repeat, special mission.
Where are we, Commandant?
I make it, uh, five minutes at present speed.
Turn to heading 251, then start descent.
Watch for runway lights.
Got it.
I hope you know what you're doing.
I assure you it's all right.
If we hear a splash, you're a lousy navigator.
Hogan, we have made it.
You've got your millions.
What are you going to do with all that money?
I've been too busy stealing planes to think about it.
Would you be interested in a business proposition?
The war can't last forever.
What do you got in mind--
a chain of Happy Hun hamburger stands?
I've got some connections in the armament industry.
It would take about 200,000 marks to get it started.
Okay, when I get my million, I'll loan you 200,000.
Hogan, I'm touched.
At ten percent interest?
You bet you're going to be touched.
( engine stalling )
What is it?
Forget the loan.
We're out of gas.
We're losing altitude!
Well, I'm sorry.
Nothing we can do about it.
Watch your head, Commandant.
What are you doing, Hogan?!
I don't know about you, but I'm taking a dive!
Try to land!
With a dead engine?
Forget it!
We can't give up now!
Like I always say, easy come, easy go!
Get out! Ah!
Hogan! What?!
I can't jump!
Okay, we'll stick together, pal!
Hogan!
And then your beloved Kommandant Klink bailed out,
followed by me.
What happened to the plane?
It crashed about eight miles from Heimelberg.
They'll put it together and study it.
Good luck to 'em.
It had a captured Messerschmitt engine
and a P-51 frame.
( laughter )
Naughty, naughty!
I hear nothing, nothing!
They would not have given you the money anyway--
not for that.
Ah, who needs a million dollars?
It's just a lot of trouble.
You call that trouble?
You're balmy, sir.
I know what I would do with it.
Oh, really?
Just give me the chance.
( chuckling )
Switzerland, the Riviera,
Monte Carlo,
hot and cold champagne,
( gasping )
Wiener schnitzel for breakfast!
( singing )
Who are you dancing with, Schultz?
With the money-- what else?
( continues singing )