It was the night before Hogswatch.
Up, Gouger! Up, Rooter! Up Tusker! Up, Snouter! Giddyup!
But while children everywhere sleep fitfully in the belief
that a jolly, fat man is about to deliver their presents,
not necessarily everyone is entering into the Hogswatch spirit.
Good evening, Lord Downey. We offer you a commission.
You wish someone inhumed?
Brought to an end.
As for the who, let us call him...
the Fat Man.
If you don't believe in the Hogfather, there won't be any presents.
Thought so.
Is Mr. Teatime still in the building?
It's pronounced Te-ah-tim-eh, sir.
The dog seems to like you.
I get on well with animals, sir.
As a matter of interest, how would you go about inhuming this gentleman?
If he's supposed to be getting rid of the Hogfather, why is he going to the Tooth Fairy's castle?
ALBERT. SOMETHING HERE IS NOT RIGHT.
-Does he believe in things like the Tooth Fairy? -Even the Hogfather.
'Cause after we're finished here, not even he will.
It's a very enemy-friendly spell, sir.
THE HOGFATHER. OH, DEAR.
ALBERT? WE MAY NOT HAVE MUCH TIME.
ONWARDS, BINKY, TO THE HOGFATHER'S CASTLE OF BONES.
-All of them? -Every last one.
-Put 'em in a pile? -That's millions.
APPLESAUCE.
OH, YES. AND... HO, HO, HO.
Grandfather? So what have you turned up for?
And if it's for business reasons, I will add, then that outfit is in extremely poor taste.
THE HOGFATHER IS UNAVAILABLE.
At Hogswatch?
HE IS GONE.
Susan will try to find out what this is all about.
YOU MIGHT THINK I'VE ALREADY THOUGHT OF THAT,
BUT I COULDN'T POSSIBLY COMMENT.
Get hold of something like somebody's nail clipping, hair, teeth...
You got them under your control.
Children of the world, prepare to take a short tour.
The Hogfather. Grandfather, what've you done?
SO MANY CHIMNEYS.
I mean, if we're gonna give Susan enough time to succeed,
the little perishers need to believe in you, master. No, I mean the Hogfather.
So, you got to look the part!
What's going on here, then? Eh?
It's as if something is triggering random bursts of stray belief.
IT'S THE EXPRESSION ON THEIR LITTLE FACES I LIKE.
Yeah. The sort of cross between fear and awe.
Not knowing whether to laugh or cry or wet their pants.
YES. NOW THAT IS WHAT I CALL BELIEF.
Pretty lights...
You're not the Hogfather!
Daddy?
Wake up! Wake up! You got to find the Hogfather!
He was at the Castle of Bones.
Happy Hogswatch, everybody!
-It's not what you think! -Yes, it is.
Are you the Hogf...?
Everything starts somewhere,
although many physicists disagree.
There is the constant desire to find out where,
where is the point where it all began?
But much, much later than that
the Discworld was formed.
Drifting onwards through space
atop four elephants on the shell of a giant turtle
the great A'tuin.
It was sometime after its creation
when most people forgot
that the very oldest stories at the beginning are
sooner or later
about blood.
At least, that's one theory.
The philosopher Didactylos has suggested an alternative hypothesis:
things just happen, what the hell.
Our story began in Ankh-Morpork
the twin city of proud Ankh and pestilent Morpork
the biggest city in Discworld.
A city, where magic is just another job
and where the Tower of Art of the Unseen University for wizards
looms over all the dark, narrow streets below.
Our story continues in the middle of the night before Hogswatch,
a mid-winter festivel, which, for some reason,
bears a remarkable similarity to your Christmas.
But now it takes us to the Tooth Fairys castle,
where magic's made children's teeth periliously powerful.
So that our story is, much sooner rather than later,
about blood.
Mr. Teatime!
Very well, I've unlocked it.
And Banjo's opened it.
I'm not telling you anything! Who are you, anyway?
I'm glad you've asked! I'm your worst nightmare!
You mean ... the one with the giant cabbage and the kind of whirring knife thing?
Sorry, no. Not that one.
I'm the one where this man comes out of nowhere and kills you stone dead.
Oh, that one. But that's not very...
Rather a charitable act there, I feel. But it is nearly Hogswatch, after all.
Bring me the girl.
ODD.
It's a scythe job, then?
They took the teeth! All of them! They just walked in, and... no, wait!
Where did he come from?
A PLACE I CANNOT GO.
Well, you'd better pull down. We've got Alber come out here, keeping the Hogfather's seat warm.
IF WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE TOOTH FAIRY'S CASTLE ISN'T STOPPED,
THEN EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN DOING IS A WASTE OF TIME.
AND IF THEY GET TO THE TOOTH FAIRY,
THEY WILL BE ABLE TO CONTROL ALL HUMAN BELIEF.
UNLESS SUSAN GETS THERE FIRST.
Yes, well, it's coming along well. Very impressive! Well done.
I need your help, Mr. Ridcully.
I, err... you're...
Yes. The scythe, the cloak, the white horse, the granddaughter.
I need you to wake him up.
His name's Bilious. He's the oh God of Hangovers.
Something nasty's happening tonight. I'm hoping he can tell me what it is.
But he's got to be able to think straight first.
And you brought him here?
Why are you doing that?
-I mean, I was a bit behind with the teeth, I know... -Is this her door?
-Don't know, there was 13 dollars in pillow money... -Is this her door?
I admit, but I signed the form GV19 for them...
Will you just shut up and answer the question?
I don't know, I've never been here before.
Your boss probably doesn't realise how irritating you are.
Come out, come out, wherever you are! Or Miss Bottler gets is.
S'that good, I g'it! Have you got the lid?
THIS IS REALLY, REALLY STUPID.
I think the tradition got started when everyone had them big chimneys, master.
INDEED? IT'S ONLY A MERCY IT'S UNLIT.
THE BOY WANTS A PAIR OF TROUSERS THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE TO SHARE,
A HUGE MEAT PIE, A SUGAR MOUSE, 'A LOT OF TOYS' AND A PUPPY CALLED SCRUFF.
Ah, sweet. I shall wipe away a tear, 'cos what he's gettin', see, is this little wooden toy and an apple.
BUT THE LETTER CLEARLY...
I know, it's the socio-economic factors.
The world'd be in a hell of a mess if everyone got what they asked for, eh?
I GAVE THEM WHAT THEY WANTED IN THE STORE.
What good's a god who gives you everything you want?
YOU HAVE ME THERE.
It's the hope that's important.
It's a big part of belief, hope.
Give people jam today and they'll just sit and eat it.
Jam tomorrow, now - that'll keep them going for ever.
AND YOU MEAN THAT BECAUSE OF THIS THE POOR GET POOR THINGS
AND THE RICH GET RICH THINGS?
Oh, yeah. That's the meaning of Hogswatch, isn't it, master?
BUT I'M THE HOGFATHER! AT THE MOMENT, I MEAN.
Makes no difference.
I remember when I was a nipper, it was one Hogswatch.
I had my heart set on this huge model horse in this shop. It was what I always wanted.
Someone was in there buying it. And you know, just for a second,
I thought it really was going to be for me.
But it wasn't.
I spent hours with my nose pressed up against the window,
until someone heard me callin', and unfroze me.
I'd've killed for that horse.
But I still hung up my stocking on Hogswatch Eve. You know why?
Because I had hope!
And the next morning, our dad's put in my stocking a little wooden horse,
that he carved his very own self.
AH, AND THAT WAS WORTH MORE THAN ALL THE EXPENSIVE TOY HORSES IN THE WORLD!
No, 'cause you're a selfish little bugger when you're seven. Only grown-ups think like that.
THIS IS WRONG. IT IS... UNFAIR.
That's life, is it, master, isn't it?
BUT I'M NOT.
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY.
AND OTHER THINGS ENDING IN OLLY.
Please, just take her out of vocal range.
Mr. Brown! Your big moment.
Break me up the real Tooth Fairy.
If you're the Lecturer in Recent Runes, can't you do something more magical?
Well, Spold's Unstirring Divisor would do it.
You'd end up with a large beaker full of all the nastiness.
Not difficult at all, if you don't mind the side effects.
Tell me about the side effects.
The main one is that the rest of him would end up in a somewhat larger beaker.
Alive?
Broadly, yes. Living tissue, certainly. And definitely sober.
Why don't we just mix up absolutely everything and see what happens?
It's got to be worth a try.
Thank you, Modo.
Is this going to take much longer? We may not have much time.
Oh, you can't be too careful.
What's that?
Wow-Wow Sauce. The hottest sauce in the Universe.
And it will blow your head clean off.
It's not safe to drink it when sweat's still condensing on the bottle.
On the other hand, it's a kill-or-cure remedy then we are, given the possibility
that the patient is immortal, probably on to a winner.
It did not go critical yet.
I don't know, I wish you fellows would show some backbone...
Careful, Archchancellor. What you have there might represent pure sobriety!
I'll try it.
You did say that he was immortal, didn't you?
-You mean... he just appeared? -Yes.
He has no memory of existing before appearing at the Hogfather's castle.
You mean like this fella?
Don't be ridiculous, gods and gnomes don't just appear for no reason!
Bring me, let's see, twenty pints of lager, some pepper vodka, and a bottle of cofee liquor.
I didn't have you sobered up just so that you can go on a binge.
-You don't drink! -I don't? Oh. Yeah.
I need you to help me!
I'm afraid did it, didn't I? I said something to young Stibbons about drinking and hangovers.
You mean you created him just like that? I find that very hard to believe.
Good job nobody mentioned the Hair Loss Fairy, then.
I am not losing my hair! It is just very finely spaced.
Yes, half on your head and half on your hairbrush!
For the last time, I am not...
I wish I knew where that was coming from.
We need a bigger brain for this.
That thinking engine of yours is working, Ponder?
Hex is resting, Archchancellor.
Can you hear me in there!?
You don't have to shout, Archchancellor.
What is that glingleglingleglingle noise all about?
It says, look on the Dean. Over the Dean?
Is there a problem?
Are you the Hair Loss Fairy?
Apparently.
What have you been doing with my hair?
Just a minute! Where exactly were you, before I found you in the snow?
Anywhere where drink was consumed in beastly quantities some time previously, you could say.
So, you were an immanent vital force, eh?
Oh, sounds great! What is that?
So when we joked about the Hair Loss Fairy it suddenly focused on the Dean's head.
You're calling things into being.
I personally always wondered, if there was an Eater of Socks.
You know how there's always one missing.
To the laundry!
Tell me again, who these people are.
Some of the cleverest men in the world.
And I'm sober, am I?
What is that ridiculous thing on your head?
I dunno, sir!
What? What is it?
It says here, 'If found, please return to the Tooth Fairy's castle.'
At least the Tooth Fairy already existed.
Tooth Fairy...
Oh, you see her around a lot these days. Or them, rather.
It's a sort of franchise operation to collect children's teeth in exchange for money.
And she has a castle? She sounds great.
Actually, I do remember one thing.
When I appeared at the Hogfather's house, there was this drunken little fellow in a pointy hat.
I thought it was just the drink talking, but he did mention something about...
Permanent end of the patrol-servitude for the little elves! Of all fantasy personifications.
...including the Tooth Fairy.
Where did you find this?
Is he all right?
I say, what is the geographical location of the Tooth Fairy's castle?
Now I'm feeling all well. Can I come with you?
This is not a normal situation. Look, I think I better tell you.
-My grandfather is Death. -Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Death. You know, Death? The robes, the scythe, the white horse, bones.. Death.
But at the moment he's acting rather strange.
I just want to make sure I got this clear.
You think your grandfather is Death, and you think he's acting strange.
Look, Death adopted my mother. He then took on a human apprentice.
They fell in love, and I'm the result.
This is fascinating.
Let's just say I've picked up a few, strange genetic signs on the way.
Oh, that looks dangerous.
I hope so.
Wait, I could help you!
Would you be any good in a fight?
Yes, I could be sick on people!
I have to sort this out.
Can't have creatures popping into existence just by people talking about them.
Unhygienic.
So what is this implied creation, eh?
Humans have always ascribed random, seasonal, natural or inexplicable actions
to human shaped entities.
Such examples are the Hogfather, the Tooth Fairy and Death.
All right, but I'm damn sure there's never been an Eater of Socks or an oh God of Hangovers.
I think it works like this:
What we're getting is personification of forces, just like Hex said.
Like the Hogfather? When you're a kiddie, it's as good an explanation,
as any to where the presents come from.
Why is it happening now?
Belief's causing new creatures to appear?
You could put it like that.
There's a finite quantitiy of belief in the Universe?
Certainly, people're going to believe only in so many things.
It follows that if a major focus of belief is removed, there would be spare belief.
What are people not believing in all of a sudden?
Out of cheese error? Melon, melon, melon. Redo from start!
It's Hogswatch. I suppose the Hogfather is around, isn't he?
I LIKE THIS JOB.
Oh dear, oh dear.
EXCUSE ME.
YES. THIS WILL SHOW.
The poor little match girls dying in the snow is all part of the spirit of Hogswatch, master.
You see, people hear about it, and they say:
'we might be as poor as a disabled banana, and only can afford to eat mud and boots,
but see how much better off we are than the poor little match girl?'
It makes them feel happy and grateful for what they've got.
I KNOW WHAT THE SPIRIT OF HOGSWATCH IS, ALBERT.
You're not allowed to do that!
THE HOGFATHER CAN. THE HOGFATHER GIVES PRESENTS.
THERE IS NO BETTER PRESENT THAN THE FUTURE.
That's it. I had enough with this pixie life.
I'm waiting for the Hogfather.
I'm in the dark, waiting for the Hogfather.
Me. A believer in natural philosophy.
I can find the square root of 27.4 in my head.
I shouldn't be doing this.
It's not as if I've hung a stocking up.
There'd be some point if...
TAKE HER SOMEWHERE WARM, AND GIVE HER A GOOD DINNER.
AND I MAY WELL BE CHECKING ON LATER.
Looks like we've been chosen to do a bit of charity.
Well, I don't call it very charitable just dumping someone on people, like this.
I dunno. Some people wouldn't know the real meaning of Hogswatch
if it jumps up and caught them in the grope.
No!
This is a child's painting.
Twyla paints like that.
I painted like that. Grandfather saved some of my draw-
Come on, let's find the house.
What house?
There's always a house.
I was told you're the best locksmith in the city.
Yes, but locks normally don't alter themselves while you're working on them, that's what I'm saying.
Are you the best, or not?
No! Not the dark!
Banjo! I'm getting out of here. Something's wrong with this place.
I've made a big pile!
You want to come with me?
Pretty here.
Mr. Sideney.
Would he deliver to apes earlier than to humans?
Interesting point, sir.
Possibly, you are referring to my theory that humans may have descended from apes.
A bold hypothesis, which, if the grants committee could just see their way clear
to letting me hire a boat, and sail around... to the islands...
I just thought, he might deliver alphabetically.
LET ME SEE NOW...
Who the hell are you?
I'M THE HOGFATHER, OF COURSE. ER... HO, HO, HO.
You look extremely thin in the face.
I'M... I'M A BIT ILL.
Terminately, I would say.
It's a false beard!
NO, IT'S NOT!
It's got hooks for the ears! That must have given you a spot of trouble.
A pillow!
I thought there were seven locks.
Yes, but they're half magic and half real and half not there.
There's parts of them that don't exist all the time!
I thought you could open any lock anyone ever made.
Made by humans, And most dwarfs. I dunno what made these. You never said anything about magic.
That's a shame. Then really I have no more need of your services. You may as well go back home.
What about my money?
Of course, you should get what you deserve.
You must think I was born yesterday, Mr. Teacup.
I'm leaving, right? With what's coming to me. And you ain't stopping me.
Banjo certainly ain't.
I knew his old Ma in the good old days.
You think you're nasty? You think you're mean?
Ma Lilywhite'd tear your ears off and spit 'em in your eye, you cocky little devil.
I remembers you when you was little, Banjo. I used to sit you on my knees!
Banjo!
There you are.
Where do all those shadows coming from? It's giving me the creeps!
And it's all your fault!
Oh, yeah? So it wasn't you who said, wow, ten thousand dollars, count me in?
Yeah, but I didn't know there was going to be all this creepy stuff! I want to go home!
You're acting like a child!
Poor guy must've slipped.
Yeah. He slipped.
That's the Tooth Fairy's castle?
It's teeth.
And I should be scared?
There's nothing that scary about teeth.
Did I say I was scared? I must just be hung over, again.
-Oh, no. -They're only teeth?
Surely, noone would try to...
What is that?
It's such old magic, it isn't even magic anymore.
If you've got a piece of someone's hair, nail clippings or tooth,
you can control them.
Don't tell me someone is...
-What's that shadow? -This place is alive.
And it's protecting itself.
Now, what happened to the other fellow?
WELL, THE HOGFATHER HAS ENEMIES.
What'd he do? Miss a chimney?
There's people down there, Mr. Teatime!
Well, just do away with them.
One of them is a girl.
Then do away with them... politely.
Keep going. Quicker.
Aaah! It's after me! Let me out!
What was that?
It's finding their nightmares.
Let me out! It's after me!
Pull yourself together.
There's nothing chasing you.
I thought it was the...
wardrobe.
What wardrobe?
When I was a kid, we had this big... wardrobe.
And it had this... on the door... it had this face!
And it made me... whispered things.
Who's that moving up there?
I think they saw us.
If they are tooth fairies, there has been a really stupid equal opportunity policy.
Right. You go that way, I this way.
-Why don't we stay together? -What's got into you?
This is a children's place. The rules are what children believe.
Well, that's a relief.
You think so? It's impossible to die here.
My grandfather doesn't figure in the child's world.
That man who fell down the stairs looked pretty dead to me.
Oh, you die. But not here. You... let's see... yes.
You go somewhere else. Away.
-Aren't you Sus...? -Yes. When you came for Twyla's last tooth,
you were so shocked I could see you.
Look, we may not have a lot of time.
Is this the Tooth Fairy?
A tooth fairy.
Do you drink at all?
No, I don't.
Not touch alcohol, at all?
Never. My dad's very strict about that sort of thing.
Nice castle!
Can we get on?
Good. Who brought you here, Violet?
I don't know. Oh, but he's dressed like an assassin!
OK. You two stay here, I'll go, find him.
And I'll look after Violet.
That's the fourth lock, open.
I commend your expertise. And the others?
Do you know exactly what's in here, Mr. Teatime?
Logically, she's the guardian of children's beliefs. And this is her castle.
And I come across as securely locked door as this,
and not to thoroughly investigate woud...
lack elegance.
What's that sound?
What sound?
That sound! Like all... scissors, grating.
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE AUDITORS?
I suppose the Bursar might have done.
NOT AUDITORS OF MONEY. AUDITORS OF REALITY.
THEY'RE THE CIVIL SERVICE OF EVERYTHING.
And they want to get rid of us.
THEY WANT HUMANS TO BE LESS CREATIVE.
THE HOGFATHER IS A SYMBOL OF THIS.
STRANGE THINKING.
THEY HATE THE WAY HUMANS MAKE UP STORIES ABOUT THE UNIVERSE.
I can't think why. Anyway, why are you doing this job?
SOMEONE MUST. IT IS VITALLY IMPORTANT.
BEFORE DAWN, THERE MUST BE ENOUGH BELIEF IN THE HOGFATHER.
Why?
SO THAT THE SUN WILL COME UP.
I SELDOM JOKE.
What sort of goding do you do?
Well, I'm the oh God of Hangovers.
A God of Hangovers? How awful.
You're more cut out to be one of those improtant gods.
What's this? Lovers' Lane?
You leave him alone, you! He's a god!
Dear me, out of thunderbolts, are we? Well, y'know, I've never killed a...
What's the matter? It is a wardrobe, yes.
I don't want to see! I don't want to see!
Hex was right, Archchancellor.
HEX? WHO IS HEX?
He's the biggest thinker in the world.
I WOULD LIKE TO MEET THIS MR. HEX.
Quite a large thaumic reading, gentlemen. I think he got here by magic.
THEY SAY YOU ARE THE BIGGEST THINKER IN THE WORLD.
BUT DO YOU ALSO BELIEVE?
+++ Yes +++
EXTEND LOGICALLY THE RESULT OF THE HUMAN RACE CEASING TO BELIEVE IN THE HOGFATHER.
WILL THE SUN COME UP? ANSWER.
+++The Sun Will Not Come Up+++
CORRECT.
HOW MAY THIS BE PREVENTED? ANSWER.
+++Regular and Consistent Belief+++
GOOD. I HAVE A TASK FOR YOU, THINKING ENGINE.
BELIEVE IN THE HOGFATHER.
DO YOU BELIEVE? ANSWER.
DO YOU BELIEVE? ANSWER!
+++YES+++
GOOD.
...OH, NO...
+++Dear Hogfather, for Hogswatch I want...
LET ME SEE. HOW OLD ARE YOU?
AND HAVE YOU BEEN NAUGHTY, OR NICE?
Hello.
Well, well, well. What have we here?
Bone handle, rather tasteless skull and bone decoration...
Death himself's second favourite weapon.
Am I right?
Oh, my. It must be Hogswatch.
This must mean that you are Susan.
The famous granddaughter. Nobility. I'd bow, but I'm afraid you would do something...
dreadful.
Yes! Yes! Left-handed using a wooden pick! That's simple.
Ah, Mr. Teatime! I've managed to open the fifth lock. Not a problem!
It's just based on Woddeley's Occul Sequence.
How do you know who I am?
Easy. Twurp's Peerage. Family motto: 'Non temetis messor'.
Your father was well known. Went a long way very fast.
As for your grandfather... honestly, that motto. 'Fear Not The Reaper'.
Is that good taste?
Of course, you don't need to fear him, do you? Or do you?
I don't know what you're talking about. Who are you, anyway?
I beg your pardon. My name is Teatime, Jonathan Teatime. At your service.
You mean... like around four o'clock in the afternoon?
No. I did say Teh-ah-tim-eh. Please don't try to break my concentration by annoying me.
How are you getting on, Mr. Sideney?
If it's just according to Woddeley's sequence, number six should be copper and blue-green light.
Do you think your grandfather will try to rescue you?
But now I have his sword, you see. I wonder...
All fingers and thumbs, Mr. Sideney?
I've managed to open the sixth lock, Mr. Teatime.
Really? But it may not be all important now.
Thank you, anyway. You've been most helpful.
Yes, you may go.
Is that all you're here for? A robbery? Like a petty thief.
A thief? Me? I'm not a thief, madam.
No, these gentlemen are thieves.
That's Medium Dave and exhibit B is Banjo. He can talk!
-Who are you? -I'm incognito!
Look like a wizard to me.
Did you suck your thumb when you were litle?
No!
That's the Scissor Man!
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!
Kids believe all kinds of crap! But I'm grown up now, right.
No more Hogfather. And that's only the start.
I'll be able to make people believe anything I want.
What's this? You said no more Hogfather?
He does know what we've been doing here, doesn't he?
You did tell him?
There's gotta be a Hogfather. There's always a Hogfather.
She did it! She killed him!
No, I didn't!
-Did! -Didn't!
-Did!
What's this about the Hogfather?
I don't think he's dead, but Teatime has made him very ill.
Who cares? When this is over, Banjo, you'll have as many presents as you want.
Trust me.
There has to be a Hogfather, or there's no Hogswatch!
It's just another solar festival!
Banjo and me are going.
Bajo! You're coming with me, right now.
Grab her, Banjo. It's all her fault.
Our Mom said, no hitting girls!
No touchin 'em, or pullin' their hair!
She's not a girl. She's a freak!
I think I know you, Teatime. You're the mad kid they're all scared of, right?
Banjo! I said, grab her.
Our Mom said...
The kid who didn't know the difference between chucking a stone at a cat,
and setting it on fire.
Shut up! Get her, Banjo!
The kind of little boy, who looks up dolls' dresses.
I didn't.
-Our Mom said... -Oh, to blazes with your mam!
What'd you say about our mam?
I bet no one wanted to played with you, not the kid with no friends.
Banjo! You do as I tell you.
Our... our mam... our mam said...
Have you been a bad boy, Banjo!?
You've been letting him get into trouble again, eh, Davey?
You have, ain't you!?
No, Mom! No, Mom!
You need a good hiding, Banjo?
Sorry, sorry, Mom!
You been playing with girls again!?
Sorry, sorry, Mom!
No Mum no Mum no Mum nooooh Mum!
Oh, no! I don't think so!
This place gets into your head, doesn't it?
It finds out how to deal with you.
But I'm in touch with my inner child. It's so much fun.
No pullin' girls hair! That's bad!
I'm going to have such fun with it! It's so light.
You wouldn't dare use it. My grandfather will come after you!
He comes after everyone.
He's very single-minded.
I'll be ready for him.
It doesn't work here.
There's no death here.
Hi, inner child! I'm the inner baby sitter!
Happy Hogswatch!
Is he dead?
He's not breathing.
Breathing spell... breathing spell!
Spolt's Forthright Respirator, perhaps. I think I've got it written down somewhere...
Come on, chaps! Give me some space.
Excuse me, excuse me! This is vitally important for the advancement of natural philosophy.
Did you see any bright lights? Was there a shining tunnel? Did any deceased...
What's all this, Mr Stibbons? Put the damn quill away!
This must be the Unseen University.
And you're all wizards.
There was a sword!
Oh, yes. It's fallen on the floor.
Did I do that?
I really must be off.
He won't get far.
The main doors are locked in accordance with Archchancellor Spode's Rules.
Won't get far... while holding a sword that appears to be able to cut through anything.
You can get into trouble, hitting girls. No playin' with girls.
What can we do now?
Hello, my dear.
No.
Sorry, dear?
You're not the Tooth Fairy.
Oh, I am, dear.
Grandma, what big teeth you have.
You've even got a shawl. Oh, dear.
I don't understand, lovely.
You forgot the rocking chair.
I always thought there'd be a rocking chair.
I don't think you're real.
It's not a little, old woman in a shawl, running this place.
You're out of my head.
That's how you defend yourself. You poke around in people's head, and find the things...
No. It's horrible, but it does not frighten me.
I like spiders.
Dogs, no.
I like rats, rats are fine.
Sorry, is anyone frightened of that?
Help! I... I...
You're a bogeyman, aren't you?
Not 'a'. The!
The first Bogeyman!
You look terrible.
Thank you very much.
I mean ill.
I used to jump out on them, and say: Boo!
But then, I got to like them.
Only children were frigthened of me.
I mean, what's to be scared of?
Bones, phoney arms...
But then, I discovered that there are much worse things than me.
And I wanted to protect the children.
Get them safe from all the really bad things.
So, I built all this, to be a safe place.
And the teeth?
You don't leave all those teeth around, anything could happen!
Anything nearly did.
So, you are the Tooth Fairy, then.
Yes. I... and then they came... stealing.
I'm too weak to look after them any more.
You don't die here. Just get old. Listening to the laughter...
Don't worry about the teeth. I'll make them safe again.
I think it would be a good idea, if you did the Tooth Fairy's job, Banjo.
D'ya think that be all right? Won't the Tooth Fairy mind?
You... do it until she comes back.
Who's gonna tell me what to do?
Noone's ever going to tell you what to do again, Banjo.
Thanks, Miss. I'll keep the teeth safe.
-Ah, Miss? -Yes, Banjo?
Can I have a puppy?
I had a kitten, but our Mom's drowned it 'cause it was dirty.
I think it will turn up quite soon, Banjo.
Thanks, Miss.
With Violet we talked about it and we thought we ought to come back and help.
It's okay. They're all gone.
And Banjo needed a new job.
That's funny. So does Bili!
Why don't you two make yourself useful, and help Banjo clear up this mess.
He's pretty much running the place now.
-But he's a... -He's in charge.
We'd love to help Banjo. Together.
Good. Have fun. Now I'm going home.
This is a hell of a way to spend Hogswatch.
Grandfather, what're you doing here?
IT IS NOT OVER. YOU MUST BRING THE HOGFATHER HOME.
These look like the mountains where the Castle of Bones was.
THEY ARE.
-It's a pig! -A BOAR.
This boar is the...
YES. THE HOGFATHER, AS HE BEGAN.
And the dogs...
THESE ARE NOT REAL DOGS. IF THEY CATCH HIM, HE WON'T JUST DIE.
HE WILL NEVER BE.
Well, stop them!
THIS IS A HUMAN THING.
THE AUDITORS ARE DESPERATE NOW.
THEY ARE DETERMINED TO DESTROY THE HOGFATHER,
AT WHATEVER COST.
YOU MUST SAVE HIM.
Come on, jump! Just you try it!
Yes! Who wants some? Anyone else?
HO, HO, HO.
YOU COULDN'T RESIST IT IN THE END.
A MISTAKE, I FANCY.
IT GETS UNDER YOUR SKIN, LIFE.
SPEAKING METAPHORICALLY, OF COURSE.
AND, YOU SEE, THE MORE YOU STRUGGLE FOR EVERY MOMENT,
THE MORE ALIVE YOU STAY.
WHICH IS WHERE I COME IN, AS A MATTER OF FACT.
You can't do this! There are rules!
YES. THERE ARE RULES. BUT YOU BROKE THEM!
HOW DARE YOU? HOW DARE YOU!?
AND NOW, THERE REMAINS ONLY ONE, FINAL QUESTION...
HAVE YOU BEEN NAUGHTY, OR NICE?
HO. HO. HO.
We saved you.
Dying isn't how it's supposed to go.
OH. SORRY.
Well. That about wraps it up for this dress.
I'd just like to ask, purely out of academic interest,
you were sure I was going to survive, were you?
I WAS QUITE CONFIDENT.
Good. Now, tell me...
WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU HADN'T SAVED HIM?
Yes.
THE SUN WOULD NOT HAVE RISEN.
Then what would have happened?
A MERE BALL OF FLAMING GAS WOULD HAVE ILLUMINATED THE WORLD.
All right, I'm not stupid.
You're sayint that humans need fantasies to make life bearable.
NO. HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN.
TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE.
With Tooth Fairies? Hogfathers?
YES. THAT'S PRACTICE.
YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES.
So we can believe the big ones?
YES. JUSTICE, MERCY, DUTY, THAT SORT OF THING.
They're not the same at all.
YOU THINK SO?
THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER,
AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE,
AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE,
ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY.
AND YET...
YOU TRY TO ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD.
AS IF THERE IS SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE,
BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED.
But people have got to believe that. What's the point?
YOU NEED TO BELIEVE IN THINGS THAT AREN'T TRUE.
HOW ELSE CAN THEY BECOME?
WOULD YOU LIKE TO VISIT FOR HOGSWATCH DINNER?
ALBERT IS FRYING A PUDDING.
I... er... they're really expecting me here.
Would you like a drink before you go?
A CUP OF COCOA WOULD BE APPROPRIATE IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES.
Right. There are biscuits in the tin on the mantlepiece.
Susan's got a poker, you know.
MY GOODNESS ME.
I thought all of you knew that by now.
INDEED.
Last week she picked a bogey up by its nose.
I'll give Gawain his stocking and then I'll come and watch.
SUSAN?
Well, well, now this is unexpected. A family affair?
I wonder, is it possible to kill Death?
This must be a very special sword.
And it certainly works here.
And of course, it might well not be regarded as murder.
Possibly it is a civic act.
It would be, as they say... the Big One.
You may have some personal knowledge about your vulnerability,
but I'm pretty certain that Susan here would quite definitely die.
So I'd rather you didn't try any last-minute stuff.
I AM LAST MINUTE STUFF.
I don't remember them asking for anything that made a noise.
OH, THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING IN THE STOCKING THAT MAKES A NOISE.
OTHERWISE WHAT IS 4.30 A.M. FOR?
There are children? Oh yes, of course. Call them!
Certainly not.
It will be instructive. Educational.
And when your adversary is Death, you cannot help but be the good guy.
Call them.
Gawain, Twyla!
Come in, come in, curly-haired tots!
I've caught this bogeyman.
What shall we do with him, eh?
It's only a skeleton.
Yes, a nasty, creepy, horrible skeleton. Scary, ah?
He's eating a biscuit.
A creepy bony man in a black robe.
You're fidgeting with that kettle.
So I expect you're thinking of doing something creative.
Put it down, please. Slowly.
Huh, that's not very creepy, it's just bones.
It's just standing there. It's not even making woo-woo noises.
And anyway you're creepy. Your eye's weird.
Really? Then let's see how creepy I can be.
Oh, no. It could not have gone through you.
So many ribs, and things...
It only kills monsters.
Stop time, now!
You winked at me. I thought you had a plan!
INDEED, OH YES. I PLANNED TO SEE WHAT YOU'D DO.
What?
I DID ADD THE SPARKLY STARS AND THE NOISE, THOUGH.
I THOUGHT THEY WOULD BE APPROPRIATE.
And if I hadn't done anything?
I DARESAY I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF SOMETHING.
AT THE LAST MINUTE.
That was the last minute.
THERE'S ALWAYS TIME FOR ANOTHER LAST MINUTE.
STOP PLAYING DEAD, MISTER TEH-AH-TIM-EH.
You got it right!
OF COURSE.
I'LL TAKE THE BODY. THAT WILL PREVENT INCONVENIENT QUESTIONS.
YOU DID KNOW THE POKER WOULD GO THROUGH ME?
I was quite confident.
I'VE MADE THIS FOR YOU.
Thank you. Er... what is it?
ALBERT SAID THERE OUGHT TO BE SNOW ON IT,
BUT IT APPEARS TO HAVE MELTED.
IT IS, OF COURSE, A HOGSWATCH CARD.
THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN A ROBIN ON IT AS WELL,
BUT I HAD CONSIDERABLE DIFFICULTY IN GETTING IT TO STAY ON.
IT WAS NOT AT ALL CO-OPERATIVE.
Really?
IT DID NOT SEEM TO GET INTO THE HOGSWATCH SPIRIT AT ALL.
Thank you.
Granddad?
YES?
Why? I mean, why did you do all this?
HUMAN BEINGS MAKE LIFE SO INTERESTING.
DO YOU KNOW THAT IN A UNIVERSE SO FULL OF WONDERS,
THEY'VE MANAGED TO INVENT BOREDOM?
QUITE ASTONISHING.
NOW THEN...
HAPPY HOGSWATCH!
Yes. Granddad! Happy Hogswatch.
HAPPY HOGSWATCH, AND GOOD NIGHT, CHILDREN EVERYWHERE!
Hello, hello!...
YOU HAVE A BIG, WOODEN ROCKING HORSE IN THE WINDOW.
Yes, yes. That's a special order for Lord Lotten...
HOW MUCH WOULD HIS LORDSHIP HAVE PAID YOU?
Twelve dollars.
I'LL GIVE YOU FIFTY.
Would you like me to wrap it up for you, sir?
NO. I'LL TAKE IT AS IT IS, THANK YOU.
INCIDENTALLY, THERE'S A SMALL BOY OUT THERE,
WITH HIS NOSE FROZEN TO THE WINDOW.
SOME WARM WATER SHOULD DO THE TRICK.
Happy Hogswatch, sir!