All I'm saying is that they're lunatics wandering aimlessly all over the place.
Why not put sponges on their feet and let them clean the streets?
You know, am I the only one who's putting these things together?
You know, am I the only one
who's aware of what's going on around them?
- John. - What?
What do you mean, what? This what.
What the hell?
Oh, my God.
I swear, the crime in this city is out of control.
You know what the problem is, don't you?
John, not now.
Oh, my God.
The drug cabinet's still locked. Nothing's gone there.
Well, why do we even have a police department...?
John, not now.
All right, let's see if they took any money.
- Check the cash box. - Oh.
There's only $2 here.
Okay, so it wasn't robbery.
Oh, my God.
I'll call the police.
What is the world coming to when a doctor,
a pillar of the community...?
John, not now.
Well, Margaret, give me something, will you?
Uh, yes, hello?
Yes, oh, uh, we've had a break-in. It's an emergency.
Yes, I'll hold.
Why would you lock up $2?
John, I swear, you are the cheapest man that I have...
Margaret, not now.
Oh, my God.
Will you stop saying that?
Holy crap.
No. Well, don't you watch television? This is a crime scene.
Everything is evidence. You don't touch anything.
Well, you can make coffee.
Just don't touch anything else.
All right, the police will be over any minute.
Two hours, Margaret. It's been two hours.
Come on, get them over here. Make the call.
Ah, forget it, John.
I am not calling 911 and telling them that I am a white woman in trouble.
Detective Borkow, 43rd precinct.
Whoa, this place is a mess.
So why'd you call?
Because I made a New Year's resolution
to meet one new person every day.
Why the hell do you think we called?
Oh, right.
Well, any idea who might have done it?
That's why we called you.
Okay, first things first.
Is that fresh coffee?
So do you think you'll be able to find out who did this?
Well, of course I can. I'm a trained criminal investigator.
I think what we have here is either robbery or vandalism.
Actually, now those are the only two choices on the form.
Wait a minute, I recognise you.
It was about a year ago.
You were at the hospital with that sissy doctor
who got shot in the gay bar.
I never forget a face.
Yeah, I knew you looked familiar. That was me.
You know, I think you're right.
I was not in a gay bar. I was near a gay bar.
I'm not gay.
Makes me no never mind. That's between you and Dr. Laura.
- So was anything taken? - No.
Okay, Box 1: Vandalism. I think that's all I need to go on.
- Wait, wait, wait. Hey, that's it? - You're not gonna do anything else?
Take pictures, you know, or dust for fingerprints?
You watch a lot of TV, don't you?
Relax. I'll file a report.
So basically, you're gonna create the illusion of actual police work.
Right.
I checked the exam rooms. Nothing's missing.
Well, well, well.
This case just got interesting.
Detective Borkow. And you are?
Not guilty.
I'm guessing you're not innocent either.
Yeah, if you're done drooling,
can we get back to the investigation, please?
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.
That's how heterosexuals flirt.
You know, I could ask a couple of questions.
Uh, possible suspects.
Do you know of anyone who might harbour a grudge against you?
- What's that supposed to mean? - Oh, John, please.
Yeah, well, screw you too, you Ivy League quack.
You are out of your freaking mind.
You're making me sick. Shut up.
Go away. Kiss my ass.
Toothless cretin. Arthritic old slackass.
Card-carrying lunatics. Hypocrite.
Jackass. Putz.
Bite me.
This was over a period of what, two, three years?
Two, three days.
Well, well, the kitten has claws.
- Say when. - Anytime, pretty lady.
You know, I don't know about her, but you're creeping me out.
- Let me ask you, uh... - Linda.
Linda, do you know any patient who might be mad enough
at Dr. Becker to do something like this?
I can only pick one?
Okay, what do we got here?
Mr. Danko's in for a physical,
but there's something he wants to talk to you about.
Yeah, uh, I won't be able to pay you right away.
I'm having a little problem finding a job.
You're kidding. Dressed for success like you are.
- What was that? - Look, I'll let you slide on the bill,
but, come on, you know, we've kind of worked out a civilisation here.
Make a few concessions to it, you know?
Maybe tattoo a tie on your chest.
Do we have to go through this every time?
Yes, we do. What kind of job you looking for anyway?
A kindergarten teacher?
As a matter of fact, kids love me.
Of course they do. You're covered with cartoons.
Do you find this attractive?
Yeah.
Bad example. You know, all I'm saying
is the people who hand out the jobs don't like tattoos.
- Oh, hey, man, it's art. - Yeah, right.
I believe it was Rembrandt
who first painted Woody Woodpecker smoking a joint.
Well, that brings up an interesting question.
Linda.
What sort of tattoos do you find attractive?
Because I got a beauty when I was in the Marines.
That's just great, Borkow.
You know, why don't we just drop the investigation,
you can take your shirt off, and we'll all look at your tattoo.
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Do you have to follow me everywhere?
You said we were going to lunch.
No, I said I was going to lunch.
Could I have some coffee, Reg? Hamburger, please.
I'll have the same.
Is this separate checks?
Oh, look who I'm asking.
Say, you're a cop, aren't you?
Yes, I am. How'd you know?
Two things Bob knows: Women and cops.
You spend enough time staring at one, you get hassled by the other.
Uh, he's here because my office was vandalised last night.
Oh, my God? What happened?
Everything's all right. Nothing was taken. No one was hurt.
It just got trashed, you know.
Detective Borkow here is, uh, working the case more or less.
Was someone after the 2 bucks you hide in the cash box?
Don't help. Just get me my lunch.
- Coming right up. - It usually does.
Now, doc, look at that.
Nothing?
She does nothing for you?
How much clearer do I have to be? I am not gay.
It doesn't matter what you say. It's already in your file.
Vandalism seems like such a waste.
What's the point of breaking in if you're not gonna take something?
I mean, that's like having a woman in bed and...
And what?
I got a woman in bed in here. Don't bother me.
Do any of you know of anyone
who might have wanted to do this to Dr. Becker?
When you're done with the Bronx,
I've got the Jersey book around here somewhere.
- Cut it out, will you? - You know, though,
now that I think about it, there was someone in here yesterday,
and, well, John was really letting them have it.
You know, I've been trying to eat my lunch for the last half hour,
which is hard to stomach without having to watch you eat.
I mean, come on, don't you have any pride, any self-respect?
Look at you. You got more food in your hair than on your plate.
You disgusting slob.
Oh, come on. It was like watching a Cuisinart without the lid.
Well, that gives me a pretty good picture.
As a matter of fact, I think I know exactly who's responsible for this.
No, I'm just screwing with you. I don't have a clue.
What's the matter with you?
You make it look like it's my fault the office got trashed.
Like for some reason, people don't like me.
Do you even listen when you talk?
- I know I try not to. Ha.
I've done a little research on you, doc,
and apparently, you've been a bad little girl.
For the last time, I'm not gay.
You get that vibe too?
Becker's not gay.
I mean, come on, the clothes, the body and that haircut?
And let's not even talk about...
Hey, like I said before, you know, don't help me.
All I know is I ran his sheet, and the last couple of years,
he attacked a man in a wheelchair, broke a city streetlight,
gave a man a heart attack, and cursed out a nun.
When do you find time to see patients?
Some of those people were patients.
Aren't we forgetting something?
I'm the victim here. You know, this is unbelievable.
You're like some cliché cop in a bad movie.
A stupid, homophobic, leering Neandertal.
Yeah, but I made inspector.
Just find out who did this, will you?
And for the record, the nun had it coming.
Well, maybe I'll check out this lead over at his apartment building.
He got in a run-in with a woman there a couple of weeks ago.
A, uh, "Rhonda Martin."
Rhonda Martin?
Yeah, you know her?
Uh, only because I'm the super of the building,
and I happen to be familiar with the incident in question.
Becker was alone at his apartment
drinking a beer and watching TV, waiting for me
to show up and fix the sink, when there was a knock.
- Hello? - Dr. Becker, you don't know me.
I'm Rhonda Martin. My sister Karen lives in 4-B.
- Look, I'm not... - I know, I know.
You're not in your office, and I hate to impose.
- I have a rash, and I thought maybe... - Look, maybe you should wait...
I know I should wait and see my regular doctor,
but it's driving me crazy.
It's all over my chest.
Do you think you could just take a look at it?
Well, if you insist.
- Come right in. - Thanks so much.
So Becker checked her out.
But if she wasn't happy with his diagnosis,
that's hardly the doc's fault.
So, what do you think?
Mama!
- I suppose I should still check it out. - Ah, you don't wanna do that.
That woman's crazy. She left town.
On vacation. For business.
She went to Florida.
Did I say Florida? I meant she's dead.
You know, in her report, she said that Dr. Becker was 5-foot-4
with dark, slicked-back hair and a cheap leather jacket.
That doesn't look anything like him. It's amazing.
People have eyes. They don't see what's in front of their face.
Guess I'll just have to keep looking.
Linda, right?
Yeah.
If I may say so,
it's been a long time since I've met a woman
of your grace and beauty who wasn't a prostitute.
Thank you?
- Linda, I was wondering if you could... - Clean the storeroom?
Sure. No problem. I'm on it.
Is there anything sweeter
than watching that girl walk out of a room?
Don't you have anything else you should be paying attention to?
All right, all right.
You're very attractive too.
Oh, yeah, if it isn't one of New York's thickest.
Dr. Becker, I've been going over my notes,
and it suddenly occurred to me that you could've done this yourself.
Oh, yeah, right. I trashed my own office.
- Oh, that's ridiculous. - It's not so far-fetched.
You pick up a fat insurance cheque,
and you and the mister are flying down to Rio.
You're insane.
Not according to Internal Affairs.
Now can you account for your whereabouts
on the aforementioned evening of the alleged incident?
Otherwise known as last night?
Yeah, as a matter of fact, I was at home.
- Not according to your neighbours. - How would they know?
Ah, it seems they keep tabs on your comings and goings.
Don't wanna be in the hallway or the lobby if you're there.
That sort of thing.
Anyway, they have you leaving at 8:31 and returning at 11:16.
Oh, that's right, I forgot. I'm sorry. I went out.
I, uh, went to Ming's.
And this Ming is a friend of yours?
No, Ming's is a Chinese restaurant.
- And I went there all alone. - For three hours?
Yeah, I'm really bad with chopsticks. You know, here's a thought.
Why don't you get your head out of your notebook
and actually try to catch this guy.
I know, maybe you could use some help, like a police dog.
Someone to bounce ideas off of.
Pardon my language, ma'am,
But what a bitch.
I just don't get why someone would do this to me.
I mean, sure, I've been screamed at, cursed at...
- Flipped off. - Swung on.
- Pepper-sprayed. - Shot at.
All right, so not everyone gets me.
- Oh, Dr. Becker, there you are. - Oh.
Your alibi doesn't wash.
Ming's wasn't open that night.
Oh, let me see, did I say Ming's. I'm sorry, I meant Wings.
Yeah, I was watching Wings.
That doesn't really help me pin down the time.
Wings is on, like, 15 times a day.
And your neighbours saw you leave.
All right.
If you really need to know where I was, I'll tell you.
Love Story? You were watching Love Story?
It's considered a classic.
Oh, John.
Love Story?
You are gay.
Morning, Linda.
Hello.
Thought maybe you were hiding from me.
I was.
Well, peekaboo.
You know, since I started this case,
one name keeps running through my mind.
And what name would that be?
Linda. And there's a question I really need to ask you.
- Yes? - I need for you to be totally honest.
- Did you...? - Oh, I can't take the third degree.
All right, I did it.
I had a party here over the weekend.
I would have had it at my place, but I didn't wanna trash my apartment.
You don't know these people. They like to rock and roll all night.
And party every day.
So, anyways, I was gonna wake up early
and come in and clean up, but I overslept.
So if you have to arrest me, just don't tell Dr. Becker.
I was just gonna ask, did you have plans for lunch today?
Oh. Then forget I said anything?
Oh, Borkow, there you are.
Tell me you know something, will you? About anything.
Uh...
No can do, Dr. Becker.
In fact, I'm afraid this case is gonna go unsolved.
Between you and me, most of them end up that way.
Sometimes we get lucky and find somebody to pin one on.
This is unbelievable.
You know, why do we even have police?
The whole city looks to you for protection, and what do we get?
Nothing. You know, I got news for you.
You just can't sit around and wait for somebody
to come up and say, "I did it."
God, you're such an idiot.
So...
How about that lunch?
Uh, just give me a second.
- Dr. Becker? Hmm?
Are you still real mad about what happened here?
If I find out who did this, I will kill them.
And I'll do it in front of him so I never get caught.
Margaret, I'm going to lunch.
Outstanding. I'll see you, folks.
Let's go to Jimmy's Steak House.
You can have dead cow for lunch and Borkow for dessert.
What's that, Margaret?
If I'm not back in an hour, I'm fired? Okay.
Well, that's that.
Well, John, it could've been a lot worse.
No one was hurt, nothing was taken,
and no one saw you at Love Story.
Does everybody know about that now?
Not yet. But just give me till the end of the day.
Are you all right?
Well, it hasn't been the best couple of days, Margaret.
First, the office got trashed. Then it was my turn.
Apparently, when it comes to wanting to do me harm,
everyone I've ever met is a possible suspect.
Well, John, you may not realise it, but you don't cut people much slack.
Yeah, Margaret, society was founded on a system of checks and balances.
Oh, no. Not the checks-and-balances speech. Not again.
I'm sorry, but it applies now more than ever.
I mean, the world is filled with idiots,
and somebody has to point it out or they'll never know.
If they don't know, they can't change.
And believe me, they need to change.
And in a way, I'm doing a public service.
John, I wouldn't work for you
if I didn't know the type of person you really are.
You're a good man.
But does it have to be a secret between us?
Do you honestly think that I deserve all this?
No, I'm just saying what goes around comes around.
Maybe you should look at this as a wake-up call
because if you keep acting the way you do,
it's gonna happen again and again.
And then maybe next time, you won't be so lucky.
Oh.
Aw, maybe you're right.
The world is tough enough.
The door's unlocked, right?
Yep.
And he still can't get in?
Apparently.
I guess I could be a little more tolerant.
Oh, you can't possibly be that stupid.
If you keep pulling, and it's not working,
there's only more option:
Press the button and push.
Jackass.
Feels good, doesn't it?