(ELEVATOR DINGS)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Todd! You're back, huh?
How was management training?
What happened? Um, where is everybody?
Costs were through the roof. You know, pensions, health care.
We had to do a little right-sizing.
But there's no one here.
Exactly. That's what makes us the right size.
Yesterday, we outsourced the entire call center to India.
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(CAR TIRES SCREECHING)
"You Bastard?" That's for me.
(LAUGHS) Wait. Wait a minute. Jerry,
I went through training specifically to run this call center.
I know. And we still want you to run the call center.
In India. (LAUGHS)
You want me to go to India.
Todd, if you do this for the company,
we're going to bump you up to vice-president.
(SIGHS) And if you don't, well, we're already the right size.
There are no more positions here.
Wait. So, you're saying go to India or I'm out of a job?
Mmm-hmm. Oh.
I worked hard for this company.
I was the best salesman. And know what?
Who's to say I'm not going to go out there and start my own novelties company? Huh?
Don't you owe like 40,000 in student loans?
(AUTORICKSHAWS HONKING)
(PEOPLE SHOUTING)
(EXCLAIMS) Whoa! Oh, man. This is insane!
It's like... It's like Frogger, but with real people.
(LAUGHS) Before we arrive, I took the liberty of having these name tags made.
Oh, "Todd Dempsy. Manager."
Wow. Thank you, Rajiv. Thank you very much.
My pleasure, sir.
Yours says manager, too.
You are most perceptive. As they say in America,
your elevator goes to the penthouse.
We don't really say that.
I think you do.
What? Why does yours say manager?
Oh, I'm simply planning ahead.
You see, after your return to America,
I will become manager of the call center.
I thought to myself, why print a name tag that says "Assistant Manager"
when it is only a matter of time
before you triumph here and make a glorious homecoming.
Oh, wow, so, you... You got it all figured out, huh?
After I become manager, my salary will increase enough
that I will be able to move out of my parents' apartment and finally marry Vimi.
It seems our fates are tied, sir.
Your triumphs are my triumphs.
Your victories are my victories. We need a victory.
(PEOPLE TALKING)
Come, now. You are paid to work.
Not to sit around doing chit-chat.
It is my great pleasure to introduce Mr. Todd Dempsy.
Hello. Hello, everyone.
I'm, really...
I'm, uh, looking forward to working with all of you as your manager.
So, uh, let's get to know one another. Okay?
My name is Gupta... Hello. Hi. Todd.
Mavindra. (STAMMERS)
Hello. Okay.
Hello. Um, and your name is, uh...
(SOFTLY) Madhuri.
What? Excuse me? Madhuri.
Just... Just a little louder this time.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Madhuri.
I'm sorry. I'm not sure... Moving on.
She works the phones? Really?
Hi. Hello. Oh, hey.
I am Manmeet. Man-meat.
Yes, Manmeet.
(LAUGHING) Your name is Man-meat?
Yes.
Wow. It must be hard to chat on the internet with a name like Manmeet.
All right. We will talk later.
Okay.
Hello.
Hello. I'm Asha.
Ah, nice to meet you, Asha. That is a pretty name.
Thank you. It means "Hope." Really?
Well, in that case, I "Asha" to get to know you better.
Hope to get to know you.
Yes, I understand. (LAUGHS)
All right. My name is Gup...
I will get to know the rest of you throughout the day.
The phones are switching over later.
I had some novelties shipped over so you can learn about the products.
And, oh... In the meantime, I'm not sure what religion you guys are.
But, this is your new bible.
And the first commandment is "Know thy catalog." (LAUGHS)
Sir. If I may, I would like to show you
to our offices in the executive suite.
Please. Follow me.
Here we are.
Whoa! (LAUGHS) There's a cow.
You've got to be kidding me.
Yes. Uh, the cow is considered sacred. It can go where it pleases.
Really? Wow.
Well, I guess you don't have to go far for the creamer. (LAUGHS)
Please do not touch the cow. Of course not.
I know it must be difficult for you Americans to understand,
since you eat hamburgers morning, noon, and night.
You are so wealthy, you practically bathe in meat.
Whoa, where do you get your news, man?
But for us Hindus, the cow is not a source of meat.
It is sacred because of the milk it brings.
Muslims and Jews do not eat pigs. We do not eat cows.
Is it so crazy... Yeah, Rajiv. I get it.
The cow is not a source of meat.
It is a religious thing.
You know, I'm going... I'm going to respect your traditions.
So, what time is lunch?
(MOOS)
Okay. Uh, just... Just give me some of that yellow and green stuff.
Hey, you American?
Saddle up.
Thanks. Thanks a lot. Yeah.
Charlie Davies. I run call center for All-American Hunter.
Todd Dempsy. I'm running the call center for Mid America Novelties.
Ah. Just started today.
Yeah. That's what I figured.
What? You got the pepper thing.
So? Do you hate your own ass?
Really? It's that spicy?
If you eat that, you will be crapping yourself for five days.
Not talking about two days or three days or four and a little...
(IMITATES FARTING)
I'm talking about five full days.
Here.
Jiffy peanut butter and Smucker's grape jelly. I got it shipped from home.
(LAUGHS) Cheetos. Hostess Cupcake.
My back-up sandwich, honey-glazed ham and good old American cheese.
As far as I'm concerned, you're not a world power
until you've got a cheese named after your country.
(LAUGHS) So, the superpowers are us, the Swiss, and...
I'm not into politics, okay?
Okay. Well, thanks, um...
But I'm sure I'II... I'll find some Indian food that I like eventually.
If you last that long.
What's that supposed to mean?
Look, no offense, but I've seen it a million times.
Guys get homesick. They can't hack it here.
So, they quit and go to the States.
Well, I don't have a job to go back to.
(STAMMERS) I have to make this work.
Well, you better hope you got some decent employees.
Aren't all the workers kind of the same?
(SCOFFS) Not even close.
There's an "A" team, and a "B" team.
How do you tell the difference?
Well, that's the "A" team over there.
They all work for the big boys, like Intel and Apple.
They've all been to the States.
They've even studied all our different accents.
No way.
Hey, you. Come here.
Yes? What is it?
Tell me something. Do you know what grits are?
Well, grits is just ground up corn.
I tell you what, my Mama used to make the best grits. All right.
I'd be sitting on the front porch with my hound dog, Freedom,
sipping on some sweet tea. All right, enough.
Y'all take care.
It's creepy, isn't it? It's like they're pod people or something.
Is that your group over there?
Yeah. They probably don't know squat about America.
Looks you got the "B" team, my friend.
I wouldn't unpack if I were you.
Good day, mate.
That's Tonya. She runs the call center for Koala Airlines.
That is some grade "A" Aussie right there.
TODD: She is, uh... They got that accent.
They're all outdoorsy. And they're all descended from convicts.
God, I love Australian women.
So, what's her story? Ah, don't waste your time, man.
I've seen her here for months. She hasn't said two words to me.
TONYA: Hi.
I'm guessing you're a new bloke.
Uh, yeah. It's... I just started today.
Tonya. Todd.
Just thought I'd come and say, "Hi."
If you ever need a chat, just drop by the office.
You need all the mates you can get out here in Woop Woop.
"Woop Woop?"
Sorry. That's Aussie for "Out in the middle of nowhere."
I think you Yanks say "Out in the sticks."
Oh, no. I like "Woop Woop." It's fun to say.
"Woop Woop." CHARLIE: "Woop Woop."
(ALL LAUGHING) It is fun.
Well, um, cheers.
(HUMMING HINDI SONG)
Oh, no.
Oh, did you read the paper? There was a...
Please don't come in here.
What's the matter with him?
He won't stop talking.
Believe me, you don't want to get stuck with Gupta.
Oh, yeah. We had a guy like that back in my old office.
Ed Millner.
He'd never shut up. You got stuck with him in the break room, forget it.
You couldn't shake him.
So how did you handle it?
Hello, you.
Where did...
TODD: Yeah, back home we had a bigger pantry.
Do you know any redheads?
Excuse me?
I'm looking for a wife. And I like redheads.
And blondes.
Or dark hair, too.
(LAUGHS) So, all women?
Yes. All of them.
Well, my ex-girlfriend was actually a redhead.
Ex-girlfriend? Yeah.
Did she say, "No?"
Not usually. (LAUGHS) Say no to what?
When you asked her to marry you.
Oh, no. I didn't ask her to marry me. We were just dating.
Well, dating until you get married, no?
No. No. No. You see, Manmeet,
in America, you date someone for a while
before you decide if you want to get married.
You date a woman.
If it doesn't work out, you date another woman.
Then, another woman. And so on.
Well, okay...
I realize that sounds kind of meaningless...
Oh, it sounds wonderful.
Did you read the story in the paper about inchworms that are both male and female?
No.
They have both the boy and girl parts, just like my auntie, Neelu.
Which comes in handy when she goes to the cinema,
because she can use either bathroom.
She can sit. She can stand. It's a matter of convenience.
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
(SCREAMS)
(LAUGHING) The novelties are here.
Blood puddle. Page 21. Sweet. (SIGHS)
The key to our success is selling add-ons.
You know, somebody calls to buy a product.
You suggest a related product for them to buy as an add-on.
So, let's say somebody calls and they want to buy this.
Right?
Green Bay Packers' colors.
You might want to suggest that they also buy a cheese head.
What is a cheese head?
You put this on when you're rooting for the Packers.
(ALL LAUGHING)
All right, all right.
Let's not... Let's not make fun of each other's headgear, all right?
I mean, you guys have got some pretty crazy looking hats, yourselves.
Mostly on women, though.
Sir? Uh, Todd.
Todd.
I think the problem we're having here is that even if we memorize the catalog,
what we are memorizing makes no sense to us.
What do you mean, it doesn't make sense?
Well, for example, here is the mist-tel-toe novelty.
Even if I memorize the item number,
that won't help me, because I don't know what a mist-tel-toe is.
Okay, well, mistletoe is something that you put up at a Christmas party.
It's, like, a shrub. And you hang it in a doorway.
And you wait for a... A really hot woman to come along.
And you surprise her by standing next to her under the mistletoe.
And it's a little awkward, but she has to kiss you.
By law. Mmm-hmm.
Then, what is this mistletoe belt buckle?
Oh, that's pretty clever.
So, you're supposed to kiss under the mistletoe, right?
So, if you wore that, someone would have kiss you down there.
(ALL GASPING)
This is how you celebrate the birthday of the son of your God?
Americans. We can have fun and be holy at the same time. Next question.
Why do Americans need these things?
Ah, we don't.
Then, what is the purpose?
There is no purpose.
In America you can do whatever you want.
You can be the president. Or a scientist.
Or you can even invent...
Novelties like...
(LAUGHING) What is that, man?
This? This is exactly what I'm talking about.
See, maybe no one needs this.
But in America no one can stop you from making it.
This is the definition of freedom.
This is "Jingle jugs."
(ALL LAUGH EMBARASSINGLY)
Good one.
(PHONE RINGING)
Oh, here we go, guys.
Todd? I'll take it.
Yeah. Go for it. Go for it.
(EXHALES) Thank you for calling Mid America Novelties. How can help you?
MAN: Yeah. I want that mug on page six?
Of course. Can I please have the item number?
Oh, yeah. Okay, let's see.
It's, uh, 2-5-6-K-P-R.
That's 2-5-6, "K" as in Krishna, "P" as in Punjabi, "R" as in Ramayana.
Rama... Rama what?
Where am I calling?
Is this India? No.
Am I calling freaking India to get a mug that says "America's Number One?"
No. We're in Detroit.
City of motors and black people.
(DIAL TONE)
Okay.
Well, let's, um... Let's take a five.
Rajiv, can I...
I have a question about the workers.
Don't worry, sir. I have a plan.
I've hired one employee specifically to be fired.
This will scare the others into working harder.
No. No. No. I'm not going to fire someone just to make the others scared.
She doesn't belong here, anyway. She is of a lower caste.
Yeah, well, my question was about all the workers.
I mean...
Are these really the best workers that you could find?
(GASPS) Sir, are you suggesting
I hired lesser employees to make you look bad?
No, of course not. I mean, why would you do that?
I mean, if I can't make this office work, they're going to get rid of me.
(CHUCKLES ABRUPTLY)
In which case, they will need a new manager.
Perhaps they'll try a local.
Rajiv. I thought you were on my side.
I thought my success was your success.
It is. But also, your failure is my success.
Either way, I'm rooting for you.
Big fan. Big fan.
(ALL CLAMORING)
(ROCK SONG PLAYING)
I've always wanted a pet. (TOY DOG BARKING)
Bad dog.
Rover.
Okay, guys.
(LAUGHING) It's a farting garden gnome.
It's pretty cool, huh?
Okay. Here's the deal.
So, Asha was right.
Even if you guys memorize the catalog,
you're not really getting the cultural stuff.
So, it's time you guys learned about America.
"Put that coffee down!
"Coffee's for closers only."
(LAUGHS)
(MUMBLES UNDER BREATH)
Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me. Don't cha.
Don't you wish your girlfriend was freaking like me.
Don't cha. (HUMMING) (ALL GROANING)
TODD: No. Just... Just... What?
We're just... No.
All right. These phones are going to start ringing soon,
and we have to do better than yesterday.
We have to start pushing those add-ons.
Or we're all going to be out of a job.
Look. We may not be the cream of the crop.
More like the Bad News Bears.
No one knows who the Bad News Bears were?
Sir? Uh, I would venture to say that they are bears,
who, when they come into town, it is very bad news, indeed.
No.
Because they are bears. No.
Who wants a bear in their village? No. Rajiv.
It's a movie. It's a movie about a baseball team
with a bunch of losers.
Are we the losers in this story?
Yes. No.
No, no, no.
Because my point is that everyone thought they were losers
until they proved people wrong.
And that is exactly what you are going to do.
So by the end of the day, I want everyone,
and I mean everyone to sell one add-on.
Or what?
There is no "Or what."
Because I believe you're going to do it.
Sir? If you like the beer helmet, we also have a t-shirt which says,
"Beer makes my clothes fall off."
I'm wearing one right now.
No, you're a liar.
Let me read that item number back to you. That's 7-3-2-G-R-F.
"G" as in Goodfellas, "R" as in Raging Bull,
"F" as in "Forget about it."
(PHONES RINGING)
Yes, sir. We have that in stock.
Customers who bought the confederate flag shot glasses
also purchased a deer head you can mount on the wall.
WOMAN: Why would I mount a deer I didn't shoot?
Because this deer sings "Sweet Home Alabama."
(LAUGHS) Okay. Now, that's funny.
Your cheese heads are on the way. Okay.
Who hasn't sold an add-on, yet?
(PHONE RINGING)
(MUMBLING SOFTLY) Mid America Novelties. How can I help you?
MAN: Hello?
(WHISPERING) How can I help you?
Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?
Hello!
How can I help you?
Hi. Yeah. I'd like to order the fake dog poo.
Wonderful choice.
Yeah, my roommate's really getting on my nerves.
You know, I just want to freak him out.
In that case, could I also interest you
in our fake vomit on page 23,
lower left hand of the page?
Mmm, I don't know. This... This vomit, does it look real?
Well, it makes me sick to look at it.
Hmm, okay. Yeah, sure. Fine, why not? I'll get the vomit, too.
Yay! I knew you could do it. I knew it!
MAN: Why are people clapping?
Oh, get the credit card info.
Oh, sir?
How would you like to pay for your vomit and your poo?
So, you survived another day.
Yeah.
Looks like you're stuck with me for a while.
I guess so.
Uh, just for morale, you know?
Go for it.
Yeah.
TODD: (FARTING) Oh.