I can't believe Dad's kicking us out of the house...
...just to watch some stupid movie.
Oh, it's okay, honey.
You and I are gonna have a terrific time at this strip show.
It'll be just like your 12th birthday all over again.
Okay, but this time you're the designated driver.
All right, let's check our equipment.
- Ones and fives. - Check.
- Wesson oil. - Check.
A driver's license, just in case I get carded.
That's a good one, Mom.
I mean, check.
It was a bad day today, Peg.
One minute, the biggest woman in the world was in front of me.
I was trying to wedge a size four on her foot with my lucky shoehorn...
...the next minute, she was gone.
The woman died in your store?
Not the woman, Peg, the shoehorn.
Look at it, Peg.
Crushed like a beer can at a Raiders game.
I'll tell you, Peg...
...the only thing that kept me going was knowing that tonight is the night.
Oh, don't worry, honey.
We will be gone by the time your little movie starts.
Death Wish 6 is not a little movie.
It is a once-in-a-lifetime...
...3-D, splatter-vision, pay-per-view event.
Guys...
...I need the house to myself tonight.
My pen pal, Starla, just got out of prison...
...and she's coming here to see me.
What does she look like?
Supposedly, like Cindy Crawford, but who cares?
She's under 30 and hasn't been touched by a man in years.
Oh, she's just like me.
Except that your crimes continue to go unpunished.
Go away.
Dad, Starla and I need some privacy.
She's gonna do a body search.
And I've hidden things.
You all have exactly 12 and a half minutes to vacate the premises.
I have every movement timed down to the final second...
...including this one.
Come on, Mom, let's go.
We want to get a pole-side table, don't we?
Wait a minute, honey. Come help me find my punch card.
I think I'm due a free lap dance.
I'm looking for Bud Bundy.
I'm Bud.
And you must be Starla?
You don't look like Brad Pitt.
And you don't look like Cindy Crawford either.
No.
But I've got a gun.
This is a holdup.
- Come on. - I hope you don't think I'm weird...
...but this is kind of turning me on a little bit.
Sicko.
You told me you lived in a French provincial estate.
My cell is nicer than this dump.
Starla, I lied to you because I knew I wasn't good enough for you.
And we don't-- We don't have any money.
And I don't play for the Bulls either.
I ought to beat you up.
Would you mind putting on a nightie first?
All right, guys. Oh, hey. Bye.
Oh, good, your friend came.
- You guys have a great time. - Hey, hey, hey.
I'm on the run, I've got nothing to lose.
Either you and your sisters cooperate, or someone's gonna get hurt.
Sisters?
I like her.
Mom, I'm scared.
Don't worry, honey. She doesn't know that Daddy's upstairs.
He's our secret weapon.
Yeah, if he leaves the bathroom door open.
Yoo-hoo.
What are you doing? I told you to wait in the car.
Thought you might need help...
...carrying that picnic lunch your friends made.
Howdy, I'm Lonnie. I'm Starla's boyfriend.
Starla, where did you get that gun?
Wake up, Jethro.
She's escaped from prison.
She didn't escape. I was right there, picking her up.
They let her out that special drainpipe exit in the woods.
So the media wouldn't harass her.
Mom...
...I can't believe she dumped me for this guy.
He's a total moron.
Now, we're gonna need a getaway car. We are taking the Porsche.
No, not the Porsche.
Give Lonnie the keys.
Thank you.
I'm Kelly.
The garage is through that door.
Now, we're gonna need some food for the road.
You.
Go cook us something.
You animal.
Don't think about trying to poison us either.
Yeah, she doesn't have to think about it...
...it just sort of happens.
All right. It's okay, Mom, that's okay, it's okay.
Now, I may not be the best mechanic in town...
...but I'm pretty sure that's not a Porsche.
May not even be a car.
He's so smart.
It's Jefferson. Is anyone home?
That's our neighbor.
You better surrender now because he used to be with the CIA...
...and he is a trained killer.
Sorry to just "barge" in.
Oh, Marcy and I had to show you our costumes.
We're going on a charity masquerade cruise.
Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep and--
Oh, sorry, I didn't know you had company.
Wow, are you guys going on the cruise too?
What great costumes. Wait, let me guess.
Grease monkey and...
...psychotic trailer trash, right?
- Marcy-- - Oh, I love your props.
They're so lifelike.
Eat lead, street scum.
- Shoot her. - Shoot her.
Bang, bang, you're dead.
This is such fun. There you go.
Don't give her the gun.
No, fun is busting a cap in Little Bo Peep's ass.
Marcy, this is Starla.
She's broken out of prison, and she's here to rob us.
Of what?
Everybody in the corner.
Jefferson, do something.
Okay.
Exactly which corner would you like? Right.
Everybody, shut up, I gotta think.
Yeah, Starla really surprised me with this whole thing.
I didn't even have time to learn how to speak Canadian.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I always wanted to go to Australia, but I don't speak a word of Australian.
Oh, except for "koala."
I love koalas.
I got one tattooed on my...
Starla doesn't like it. She says it makes me look cheap.
What are you doing with her anyway?
I mean, don't you think she's kind of trampy?
Well, that's my type.
Besides, Starla said it'd be real hard for me to find another girlfriend...
...on account of how ugly I am.
Get away from her.
She's very moody.
We have got to get the gun away from her.
Now, we need someone big and strong and expendable.
Where is your father?
Hey, you told me your father was dead.
That's right, he died.
Before he could fix the plumbing.
Old Charles Bronson had a gun
Eee-eye-eee-eye-oh
With this gun he killed some scum
Eee-eye-eee-eye--
Oh.
You're from the cable company, aren't you?
Al, she's not from the cable company.
She's Bud's pen pal, and she's come here to rob us.
You see, that's why we don't allow you to have friends, Bud.
Now, listen, you're obviously disappointed in Bud. We are too.
But, you see, I already paid for this movie...
...and I had to buy a 200-ounce bladder buster to get these here.
So why don't you just go--
Oh, my God.
My baby.
Oh, why, why, why?
Poor Clicky.
So young and so many channels left to change.
Oh, yeah, big, tough broad picking on a helpless little remote, aren't you?
Wouldn't be tough without that gun, would you?
No, you idiot, that's why I've got it.
Kind of what I said, isn't it?
Oh, Al, I'm afraid. Hold me.
Peg, Peg, my life's in danger here...
...it's important I maintain my will to live.
Okay, Dad...
...we've got to come up with a plan. What would Charles Bronson do?
Well, he'd usually go on a revenge spree...
...after his loved ones were brutally slaughtered.
- Think of something else. - All right.
All right, I've come up with a plan.
It's dangerous and risky, I'll need a volunteer.
- Croquet injury. - Stubbed my toe.
Thanks a lot.
Lucky. Lucky, here, boy.
Go get the cops, go get the cops.
Good boy.
What a good dog. Loyal, strong and brave.
We may need an alternate plan.
I've got another idea.
Are you going to command a squadron of flies from your hamper to attack?
If I could command those flies, do you think you'd still be alive?
Al, please do something.
I'm about to, Peg.
I'm toting around 200 ounces of Mr. Pibb.
Hey, girlie...
...mind if I hit the can?
All right. Lonnie, go with him.
Lonnie, where the hell are you?
Still looking for that Porsche.
Were you back there with Lonnie?
Kelly, are you crazy?
You guys, we were just talking.
We happen to have a lot in common.
We both hate green eggs and ham, but we think the book is pretty funny.
Now, remember...
...no matter how she threatens us, do not tell her about the Mercedes.
Hey, what are you whispering about?
We have a Mercedes next door. Take it, here are the keys.
No, I won't let you.
- Give me the keys. - No, Starla.
You know, it's not too late to turn your life around.
So you were gonna blow away the Bundys. What's that, a $10 fine?
But grand theft auto...
...you're better than that.
Inside you is a confused, misunderstood person...
...who doesn't need a Mercedes, just a second chance.
Yeah, I'll think that over when I'm ditching your car in a lake.
I hope you fry!
There's not enough voltage in Illinois...
...and I'm gonna shave your head when they strap you to the hot--
Now, everybody, down on the floor, now!
Do you know how long it's been since these floors were washed?
Come on, Lonnie, we gotta make a break for it.
What's going on?
"Cotton balls" over there handed over the keys to their Mercedes.
They're wool.
Mercedes.
That's a good idea.
May I suggest you take a hostage with you?
Perhaps the registered owner of the car.
That would be her.
Before you go, one thing. Did you and the girls ever pass time...
...by spanking each other with license plates?
Oh, I'm really gonna miss you.
I said cops, not crops.
Is it me, or is that dog really stupid?
Yeah, but, you know, he's kind of cute.
We're out of here.
- Al, has the movie started? - Hit the floor, butt head!
Oh, man, I missed the beginning.
Damn.
This 3-D is incredible.
Take off the glasses, Griff.
Sorry, wrong house.
That Negro family, where do they live? Next door?
Sit down and shut up.
Didn't you see the "Help" sign I hung out of the bathroom window?
Al, you've been hanging "Help" signs ever since I've known you.
I'm not really good at writing letters...
...especially the capital ones...
- ...but for you, I'll do anything-- - Lonnie, move your ass!
I will see you losers in hell.
Super-premium unleaded only, please.
Jefferson, I feel so violated.
Me too.
- Is everybody okay? - Yeah, I--
Then get out.
All right, get down and shut up. Oh, this sucks.
The minute I set foot in this dump, my life went straight to hell.
So did mine.
Hello?
It's the police.
Yeah, Starla's here, but she's busy holding us hostage...
...but can I take a message?
- Just give me the phone. - What?
Hello? This is Bud Bundy.
Yeah, the guy with the dolls.
Now, listen up, pigs.
I want a car to the airport, I want a plane to Brazil...
...and $50,000 cash.
I demand the same thing.
And I need more Mountain Dew.
Oh, Lord, I've never been in trouble with the police before.
Yeah, me neither.
Well, except for graduation night at the academy.
Kelly, there's something I've been meaning to tell you...
...for several minutes.
You make me feel all funny...
...like my insides turned into whipped cream.
Well, when I look at you, my-- My legs turn to Jell-O.
You know, whipped cream and Jell-O, they go real good together.
Oh, you're making me hungry.
Come out with your hands up.
Well, that's it. I am gonna start offing people.
Then you're gonna have to off me first, Starla, because we're finished.
I don't want a life of crime.
But you want a life of trash?
If that trash's name is Kelly Bundy, then yes, ma'am, I do.
I love you, Kelly.
You happy now, Peg?
You drove both our children into the arms of criminals.
Well, I just wanted them to do better than I did.
Lonnie...
...I don't usually say this fully clothed...
...but I love you too.
Oh, well, thank you very much, blondie.
You made it real easy for me to decide who's getting it first.
Starla, no!
Al's been hit.
Al, say something.
Get out of the way.
I know CPR.
I'm fine.
Oh, Al, we thought you were shot.
Well, I was, Peg.
I think my little lucky shoehorn must have had a little luck left.
All right, we're here.
Sir, please dismount the suspect.
Sir!
- All right. - Get off!
You saved my life.
Move, Dad!
Hey, Kelly, who's gonna have...
...the imprint of a shoehorn in his chest the rest of his life?
Daddy, this is no time for riddles, okay?
Lonnie almost died.
Let's go, dirtbags.
Wait, wait.
Can we still be pen pals?
Oh, what the hell.
Write to me in care of the hole.
Wait, wait!
Kelly, this is not how I dreamt of this moment.
But neither could I have dreamt of meeting someone as beautiful...
...and perfect and smart as you.
Kelly Bundy...
...will you marry me?
I thought you'd never ask.
- I'll wait for you. - I will too, my darling.
No matter whose wife I am in prison, I'll always be your husband.
That is the sweetest thing I've ever heard.
Oh, Al, our little girl's getting married.
Isn't life wonderful?
Damn you.