Previously on Married with Children:
I can't believe you'd forget the most romantic night of our life.
I remember, sweetheart.
And then we shared a Mister Softee.
Oh, yeah. And we've been sharing one ever since.
Oh, Marcy, what should I do?
You thought about seeing someone?
Well, I have had my eye on the UPS guy.
No, I mean you and Al should see a marriage counselor.
Well, if I'm so difficult to put up with...
...why don't you just leave?
Well, maybe I will.
So go.
Walk out that door.
Turn around now. You're not welcome anymore.
I will survive.
Yeah, well, Marcy, of course. He's always threatening to leave.
But somewhere between the house and the Dodge...
...he realizes he'd have to break in a new toilet seat.
Damn, I never thought he'd think of that.
Let me call you back.
So where do you think you're going?
To live the life I should have had.
So, what corner will you be washing windshields on?
Wouldn't you love to know.
Okay, Al.
Go on. Just go.
But don't take anything out of this house.
Well, I did kind of want the couch, but then your butt would have to go too.
Wait a minute. What am I thinking about?
I almost forgot the two most important things.
What are we gonna do about custody?
Well, obviously, they should stay with me.
I'm the one who spends the most time with them.
While I worked to put a roof over their heads...
...but still had time to listen to their stories...
...to laugh with them, to cry with them?
Yes, but who stayed up with them all night?
Oh, God.
I just don't think I can live without them.
Well, me either.
Well, we'll just have to split them.
You take the little colored one.
I can't watch football on that little TV.
- Kelly, shovel the snow. - I don't have to.
Oh, no, Al, the kids. This could scar them for life.
Don't worry. If they can survive seeing your mother's bathing suit fall off...
...they can get through this.
- What's going on? - Nothing much.
Your mother and I are breaking up. Take care of yourselves.
Don't forget to write...
...or color me a pretty picture.
Hey, why do I get them?
That's the natural order of things, Peg.
You birth them, suckle them, take care of them.
We hunt.
Al Bundy, you are making the biggest mistake of your life...
...not only because you are a brainless, spineless, soapless idiot...
...but because you have no money.
Oh, yes, I do, Peg.
We husbands always have our hidden little nest eggs.
Yes. And we wives always know about that little nest egg.
You know the one you hid in the vacuum? I bought a new dress.
And I found all the quarters that you hid in Bud's mattress.
So that's why my mattress was so lumpy.
I kept dreaming that I was sleeping on tiny little breasts.
That jingled.
Well, you got me, Peg.
All my little hidey-holes have been found out...
...except this one.
Fiendishly clever.
You imbeciles.
Don't you realize that's the only reason we men ever lift the seat?
- Come on, Bud, let's go. - I'm with you, Pop.
No, you're not. I just need someone to help me push the car.
Thanks, Al.
For the first time in our marriage, you're leaving me satisfied.
We wanna send a special home-shopping hello to Peggy Bundy.
It's been a long time, Peggy.
And speaking of time...
...look at this lovely Martin Lawrence cuckoo clock.
Isn't that cute?
The second hand has a gun.
It's 3:00, bitch.
Hey, Mom. How you doing?
Oh, not bad for an over-the-hill...
...discarded, stringy-haired loser.
I don't think your hair looks that stringy.
I'm all alone.
Don't worry, Mom.
- We'll never leave you. - Oh, no.
I haven't seen her like this...
...since a kid at McDonald's asked her if she was Ronald's mother.
Bud...
...she really misses Dad, huh?
Well, don't you?
I mean, remember when he...
Oh, and the cute way that he-- He...
But then on Christmas, when he used to...
What the hell is she crying about?
I don't know.
- I hate to see her like this though. - I know.
What do you do when you get depressed?
Well, go out and find a rich man to buy me stuff.
- Stepdaddy! - Stepdaddy!
- We better hurry. Time is our enemy. - Yeah.
So is gravity.
Al Bundy's gone away I'll have a gag-free day
It always pays to pray I've never felt so gay
My life is over, and you're setting off fireworks?
Well, actually, that was old man McGinty and the rest of the block.
Oh, that reminds me. The parade's at 2.
I am riding in the big shoe float.
Marcy, think about my feelings.
I mean, imagine if Al was your husband and he ran off and left you.
I am.
I'm sorry.
You know, Peggy...
...I know this may come as a shock to you...
...but I never really cared for your ex-husband.
- We're not divorced. - Think positive, Peggy.
Well, I can't. I'm all alone.
You know, I've always had a man to take care of me.
First, my father...
...then my Aunt Bob...
...and then Al.
But now I have no one.
Who's gonna rub my bottom?
Marcy, I'm scared.
You know, I've never had a real paycheque or balanced a chequebook.
Well, so neither has Al.
Look, Peggy, you're in the prime of your life.
Your early 40s.
Late 30s?
Mid...?
Early...?
Twenty-nine?
See? You've got your whole life ahead of you.
It's your turn, girlfriend.
Gee, Marcy...
- ...I'm starting to feel better already. - Good.
Now, you should do what I did after Steve left.
Pick up men at the airport?
After that.
Is this Al's?
You try.
Boy, I do feel better.
You know, I have always hated this thing.
I gave you that.
Sorry.
Marcy, this is really helping me out.
Well, listen. After the buzz fades, just remember that wherever Al is...
...that ungrateful baboon will be feeling 10 times worse.
Hey.
Look at that.
You've got the moves.
Or the runs.
I'll tell you what.
This is the life. You know what I did today?
I made breakfast.
Peg lied.
You don't have to make Pop Tarts from scratch.
- Pretty snazzy place you got here. - Yeah.
Vista del O'Hare.
Used up my nest egg, but it's got a pool, it's got free cable...
...and it's conveniently located right by the--
Airport?
Yeah. Yeah.
But the neighbors don't even hear the planes anymore.
That's because they're deaf.
Hey.
You guys think I ought to get Marcy a waterbed?
Yeah. May I recommend Lake Michigan?
All right, all you babes in the Tri-County area...
...get ready because Dr. Al is ready to operate.
Not dressed like that, you're not.
We got to get this man a new look, stat.
George Clooney, eat your heart out.
You are the money.
You sure women like these contour briefs?
Oh, absolutely. You see how they lift and separate?
It's like a Wonderbra for your ass.
Well, they do kind of move with you...
...and no visible panty line.
Damn, I'm hot.
Hey, son, come on in.
Hey.
Pretty cool pad for a rest home.
Son, come on over here. Let me give you the tour.
Well, that's it.
- Hold me tight, son. - Oh, Dad. You miss me?
No, it's the 8:15 from Bangkok.
Nice pad, Dad.
Listen. Mom wanted me to bring over some of your stuff.
Oh, look.
She shredded my Big 'Uns into Little 'Uns.
Look on the bright side, buddy.
It'll make a great jigsaw puzzle on a rainy day.
Look, Miss July's toe.
Doesn't take much to get him going, does it?
Son, let's me and you go pick up some foxes.
Gee, Dad, I'd love to...
...but between your new hair and new ass, I don't stand a chance.
- You got that right. - Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
You know, I haven't been in a singles bar in 15 years.
Mom, you've been married for 25 years.
Gee, I hope I remember what to do.
Oh, yeah. It's all coming back to me now.
Mom, you can't act so pushy.
Kelly, it's the '90s.
Women are supposed to be the aggressors.
Yeah, if they're losers.
All you have to do is sit back, unbutton a button, and they'll all come to you.
That is just sick.
You are setting yourself up for a domineering...
...sexually aggressive relationship.
Well, duh.
Well, what do you suggest we do?
Lie naked on the hood of a Trans Am out in the parking lot?
No, not till last call.
Just watch and learn.
See you.
You know, I taught her that the first day of junior high.
Oh, I'm so proud.
I just hate this place.
Maybe it would be best to just...
...go home and get in bed with Jefferson.
Well, I'll try anything once.
I mean, you're right.
This place isn't for us.
Look at all these hot young things.
That gorgeous redhead with that little blond boy.
That's us, Peggy.
Talk about your babe watch.
Make way, boys.
Lifeguard Al is about to do a little body surfing.
Traffic school, my ass.
I'll fix his ticket.
You're busted.
Her bust?
Yeah, isn't it great?
I tell you, if Marcy had headlights like these...
...I wouldn't have to go to traffic school.
Of course, my 4th touchdown was really my best.
I faked out Porlogo...
...went to the right...
...and sprinted 75 yards up the middle of the field...
...and then I scored.
Unlike tonight.
Now, why would a lesbian even go to a straight bar?
I never thought this could happen.
I've actually met somebody as beautiful as me.
You have a big ego.
It matches my wallet and my car.
Anything else?
Quick, call the paramedics! This old guy's having a heart attack!
It looks like his diaper is coming off.
God, I love Mom's new boyfriend.
I don't miss that--
That guy who used to live here at all.
Here, hold this.
Hello.
Daddy?
No, I'm sorry, he's not here right now. Can I take a message?
It's Daddy, pumpkin.
"Daddy Pumpkin."
And a number where he can reach you, Mr. Pumpkin?
Sweetheart, is there someone there I can talk to with a brain stem?
Put your brother on.
Okay.
Hey, Bud, you're really handsome.
I did it, Dad.
Well, thanks for calling, Daddy.
Oh, before I forget...
...a Mr. Pumpkin called for you.
Okay?
All right. I love you, Daddy. Bye.
- Hey, Al. - Hey.
Come on, Al.
Let's put on those contour briefs and shake our money makers.
No, I think I'll just stay in tonight...
...and wash my hair.
Wash it?
Just run a DustBuster through that puppy and let's be on our way.
I've been out every night this week.
I'm tired.
Tired of going out, shelling out and striking out.
Yeah, well, maybe Al's right.
- Nobody wants to go out every night. - I do.
Sure you do, because you're married.
Come on, Al. You're just depressed...
...because you've been turned down by a few hundred women.
Last night, one kicked me in the groin with her leg. Her wooden one.
That's because you still got Peggy's scent on you.
Most women are sensitive about those things.
Who needs them?
All we really need in life is our buddies...
...our beer...
...an occasional dirt bath.
And women condition us to think we need them. We don't.
All we need are each other.
Hi.
I'm one of your neighbors.
Are you busy?
Get out.
- Out. - You mean you're throwing us out?
- I thought we were your buddies. - You are.
That's why I'm throwing you out the door and not the window.
I'm sorry to bother you, but I broke a heel...
...and I heard you were in the shoe business.
- Can you fix this? - Oh, of course I can.
I fix these all the time.
My wife-- I mean, my former wife.
--wears shoes just like these.
Are you divorced?
I can be.
- What's she like? - Oh, I'd rather not say.
She wouldn't want me talking about her in front of another woman.
She's the fiery type, wiggles when she walks...
...can't get enough of me in bed.
Am I talking about her again?
That's okay.
I still talk about my ex-boyfriend.
Would you like to know what he's like?
Hey, well, let me guess.
Big, mean, built like an ape.
Thanks for fixing my shoe.