Ah! Michael!
Come on! Come on!
Right.
Lose something?
This is my life, Susan. An overflowing, smelly bin filled with rotting garbage.
That just hit you now, huh?
The one thing I ask Michael to do, the one thing, and it's never done.
He lives here for free, he eats for free.
Is it too much to ask that he empties the bin?
- Ah, Michael... - (MICHAEL CHUCKLES)
- I just... Michael? - I know...
- I know. - Would you mind just...?
- Michael? - I know!
- (CLEARS THROAT) Hello? - In a minute.
Ben, no! Prison, remember?
Yeah. Yeah, I know... ...What the hell are you doing?
You can use the phone when you've emptied the bin.
You're kidding me.
- Try me. - I'm not 1 2 any more.
I'm well aware of that. I liked you when you were 1 2.
You were mild-mannered, kind, courteous -
not the inconsiderate beast that's eating us out of house and home.
But wait - of course, you empty the bin.
No, wait. You don't.
Actually, I'd like to bring up a point.
I'm sick of all the laying around on the couch and picking up after you.
- Exactly. - Actually, that was meant for you.
What?
Bad time to bring that up?
Can I have my phone back, please?
You'll find it at the bottom of an empty, clean bin when it's done.
You're being ridiculous.
- Now! - Goodness, I'll empty the damn bin.
Susan... Susan, it's not yourjob. Susan, please.
Oh, that is fantastic(!) Great(!)
(MOBILE RINGS)
Touch the phone
and you will have it surgically removed.
Now, help me.
- Michael, don't you dare... - This is an important phone call.
Michael! ...You should be as angry as me, you know.
Come on. It's Michael. I'm sure this is just a phase.
- Phase! - Actually, I think it's rather healthy.
He's spreading his wings, becoming his own person.
It's time he flew the nest, or someone kicked him out of the nest.
He's making this nest very unpleasant.
Ben, I want you to experiment with a new concept.
I know it's going to be scary at first and you're going to want to run away,
but I want you to give it a try.
It's called patience.
I have been very patient, Susan,
but it's time this man stood on his own two feet.
Says the man who can't work the washing machine.
It's got too many letters on it.
It's over there.
Anyway, no-one knows Michael better than me, and I think he's fine.
I don't know what's wrong with him. Ah, maybe that's his plan.
A-ha, yes! Maybe he wants to stick around
and wait till I get so upset that I have a stroke and die
and then he can have the whole place to himself.
Hasn't worked for me.
Michael!
Good day?
- I've had better. - I know the feeling.
I'm not sure I'm cut out for this whole home healthcare worker thing.
The man I'm taking care of is cantankerous, bad-tempered and mean.
Mm. Don't you just hate those people?
SUSAN: Dinner's ready.
Can you imagine, in some homes, that's a nice thing to hear?
- For what we are about to receive... - ...may the Lord help us keep it down.
Where's Michael?
Why would Michael be here?
That would be the expected, correct and courteous thing to do.
I appreciate your turning up on time, Janey.
- No problem, Mum. - Isn't it funny how things turn out?
It was always Janey who was never here on time.
Michael was the good one.
- Seems like yesterday, doesn't it? - Mm.
And now Janey is the responsible one. Wow!
She's on time, holding down a job...
It's unbelievable.
Unbelievable? It's a miracle.
Is there an actual compliment somewhere in there?
Can't stay for dinner.
- Where are you going? - Out.
- When will you be back? - Later.
Well, at least we know.
Oh, no, you don't. You're sitting down there and eating that...
meal that your mother made for you.
I'm not hungry. And I don't have to do what you say.
As long as you're under my roof, you do.
I am loving this.
Now, come on, sit down.
- I'm going out. - With who?
None of your business.
What has gotten into you?
No, seriously, I am loving this.
I'm outta here.
Don't you dare walk out on me. Don't you dare walk out on me, Michael!
- Michael! - (DOOR SLAMS)
Don't look at me. I don't know what's happened to him.
I will not be treated like that in my own house.
Just think, in a couple of years' time, that'll be me and Kenzo.
Where is Kenzo?
Hm?
Oh, bloody hell!
Shh!
(BANGING)
- Ben, wake up. - Ahead of you.
(BANGING CONTINUES)
It might be a burglar. Do something.
Or...
we could leave him to it and claim it on the insurance.
(MICHAEL LAUGHS)
Oh, no, wait, it's only Michael.
Right! I'll go.
Wha! Uh!
(MICHAEL GIGGLES)
(MICHAEL GRUNTS SOFTLY)
Oh! Hell!
Ben.
You need to straighten up, young man. Come on, come on.
This has got to stop, mate.
Yes, sir.
I think we'd better talk about this in the morning, OK, when you're sober.
OK, Ben.
You can push a man too far, Mikey.
Ooh, scary Ben's about!
You know why we fight all the time, don't you?
Hm? You know why we fight?
- Mm? - We're too alike.
- No, we're not. - Yes, we are.
Yeah, we are. Yes, we are. You know you're stubborn, so am I.
You're self-willed, so am I. You're...
- Gay. - ...gay, so am I.
What?
I'm gay.
Are you sure?
Yes, I'm sure.
I mean, because even I, after a few drinks, get a little, you know...
This isn't the drink talking.
I've been wanting to tell you this for years.
I didn't want it to happen like this.
Sorry.
Hey, hey, whoa, come on, don't be sorry.
It's all right, I mean... it's just a lot to take in, you know?
So you're angry?
No, I'm not angry. Course I'm not angry. No.
I mean, I'm really...really glad you told me.
- Really? - Yes.
To be honest, it does feel good to get it off my chest.
Phew!
Well, I know we're not a very demonstrative family, Mikey,
but I think this situation...
er...
demands there be a hug.
- You go first. - OK.
- OK, good talk, Mikey. Good talk. - Yep.
OK...
Off to bed, then, eh?
- Dad? - Yeah?
Thanks.
Well? Did you and Michael sort out your differences?
We certainly did.
- Is he having girl problems? - Not exactly.
He's clearly going through something right now.
Mm, I'll give you that one.
What did he say?
No, it's better if it came from him.
Tell me.
I really think it's better if it came from him.
Is he sick? Is he in trouble with the law?
- Nothing like that. - Would you just tell me?
All right, but you promise to look surprised when he tells you tomorrow?
- Yeah. - OK.
Michael has just told me...
...that he's gay.
Give me a minute.
Gay? He said that?
Yep.
But to you?
Why didn't he come out to me? I'm his mother. Was he drunk?
Yep, yep, he's pretty drunk.
- Oh, well, he's just winding you up. - No, no, no, no, he's not winding me up.
It's just unlikely he'd come out to you, that's all.
You're close-minded, insensitive and hard to talk to.
Yeah, you make a good point.
Let's just see what he says in the morning when he sobers up.
Yeah, we'll have a little sleep and think about it in the morning, OK? Yeah.
In the morning, OK?
Sleep well.
Well, what's new?
Not much.
- You told her? - Told me what?
I'm sorry, it just kind of came out.
Yes, I'm so pleased.
What's wrong? Are you annoyed that I'm gay?
I'm annoyed that you came out to your father and not to me.
I'm the sensitive one, I am sweet, I am understanding.
So when you come out, you damn well come out to me!
Susan! ...I, for one, Michael, am very proud of you.
It must have been very difficult for you, keeping that a secret for so many years.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute... - Thanks, Dad.
No!
That's my hug!
That's the speech I'm supposed to make! That's my moment!
I can come out again, to you, if it will help.
It wouldn't be the same. You already did it.
Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on. It's worth a try, Mikey, come on.
Mum, I've got something to tell you.
I'm gay.
How's that?
That was just stupid.
Well, look, does it really matter? I'm just glad both of you know the truth.
Come here, you. Come here.
Oh, just stop it!
You know, I never thought in a million years you'd be this accepting.
- Shh. - Oh!
MIKEY: Bye, guys.
- Hey... - Thanks, Dad, for understanding.
- Love you. - Love you too, mate.
What just happened there?
Come on, you're going to have to learn to accept the facts.
My God, my mind is racing. Why didn't he tell me?
Stop all this panic, Susan, please.
Now we can have an honest relationship with our son.
Who are you?
Honestly!
Where did Ben Harper go?
Susan, you're gonna have to sit down and think about this
and then realise that everything's gonna be fine.
Would you get your cheery attitude out of my face?
- Fine, darling. - Just leave me alone with my thoughts.
- I need some time to process this. - OK, anything you want?
- Oh, just stop it. - OK, anything at all.
I mean it, pack it in.
OK. All right.
Have a good day.
Oh!
- Love you. - Out!
(MAN SPEAKS ON TV)
Joe? Why don't you come and watch some telly?
What is this?
It's potato salad, Joe.
I don't see that well.
It was in my fridge, and that's why I'm asking - what is this?
It's...potato salad, Joe.
I don't know that. That's why I'm asking - what is this?
It's...potato salad, Joe.
Good God, you're still here? You're not still worried about Michael, are you?
Aren't you at all concerned that we're not going to have any more grandkids?
No, Nick's still out there somewhere.
OK, smart grandkids.
I don't think Janey's seen her last maternity unit.
Are you deliberately trying to annoy me?
You're really upset that Michael came out to me and not you, aren't you?
No, no, I'm just concerned that he won't be happy, that's all.
Why? Why wouldn't he be happy?
Well, he's going to meet so many men in his life.
Well?
I wish I understood.
D'you know,
I've got a little theory about this situation.
What? What is it?
I think you and I already suspected, didn't we?
- Yes? - Mm.
You know, that I was emotionally superior to you.
That's why I'm fine with it.
Not you, you idiot. Michael!
Oh, him? He's fine. Mikey's fine.
Anyhoo, what's for dinner? ...OK. No dinner, fine.
I'll grab a bite to eat with Janey. Where is she?
- Working. - What, still? She must love that job.
- What is this? - It's potato salad, Joe.
(TEARFULLY) It's potato salad, Joe.
It's potato salad, Joe.
OK, this is weird.
I think your mother's having a few problems with your news today, Mikey.
Really? Mum?
It's just that I have so many questions.
Um... I mean, did we, as your parents...
Mum, stop right there.
You and Dad have nothing to do with this.
I mean, sure, it would have been nice if Dad talked to me once in a while,
but other than that...
Well, I'm going to make up for lost time, Mikey, because I got you a little present.
Watch this.
Ha-ha! Hey! Hey, come on, man.
There you go, boy - yours.
Thanks, Dad(!)
Although you don't say ''a gay'', you just say ''gay''.
Oh, great(!)
I've got to take both back now. That's fantastic(!)
Come on!
Hey, anybody want a mouse mat?
Anybody want a mouse mat?
Michael, Michael, one more question.
Are you...are you absolutely sure you're happy with this and this is what you want?
Mum, I'm happier than I've ever been.
OK, OK.
Well, maybe...maybe this would help.
Maybe if I knew a little more about your life now, I'd be fine.
And able to eat.
Great.
I've been seeing a guy.
He's called Scott Marsh.
Uh, he's a solicitor with Gates & Mills.
He's 25, good-looking, er, lives with his dad.
We met at a pub and just started talking.
Did that help?
Nope.
Oh, hi, Mum.
Hello, darling.
I don't remember you taking your lunch.
Hm? Oh, I didn't. It's my client, Joe, gave it to me.
What is it?
It's potato salad.
- Really? It smells like... - It's potato salad!
OK, OK!
Hard day at work?
I can't take it any more. I just have to quit.
What are you still doing up?
Oh, it's been an eventful day around here.
Really? What's up?
- Your brother. - Oh, well. Good night.
He's gay.
Gay?
Gay. Came out today. You didn't know?
Mum, are you sure? I mean, aren't gay people supposed to be stylish?
How's Dad taking it?
Oh, he's fine with it. Turns out I'm the one with the problem.
Mum, I'm just going to be completely honest with you, OK?
I am loving this!
Ha-ha!
- (GASPS) Little brother! - Oh, God. She knows.
I am so proud of you.
Thanks, Janey.
Now you can strike out with the other half of the human race.
You're always there for me.
Ah, hey, I'm only joking. You know I'm really happy for you.
Thanks, Janey.
You know, maybe now that I'm out,
we can share a little more and have an honest, adult relationship.
Yeah, don't get your hopes up.
- Hi. - Hi.
Do you want to give this another try?
Sure.
You know, Mum, this is who I am.
For the first time in my life, I feel at peace with myself
and I can be honest with the world and, most importantly, the people I love.
So?
Nope. Nothing.
(BEN HUMS)
Ah, good morning! New patient, how refreshing.
Please, take a seat, take a seat.
What can I do for you today?
Just need a checkup, really.
Oh, really? Well, we'll have that done in no time.
Right, let's take a look, shall we?
- You're cheery. - Always cheery.
- Not what I heard. - What?
Nothing.
Yep, had a very good day today. Very, very good day.
- Good day with my son. - Yeah?
Mm-hm, mm-hm.
There's nothing like the old father-son bonding, is there?
I'm close to my boy, too.
Are you, really? Yes.
It's a great thing, isn't it, when they get to that age -
they stop being a kid, just become a friend.
(CHUCKLES)
Mm. In fact, me and my son are so close, he, er...he came out to me.
- Came out? - Yeah, yeah, told me he was gay.
Incredible. You know, the thing is, it's made us even closer.
Yep, told me he had a lawyer as a boyfriend.
- My son's a lawyer. - Really?
Marsh.
Mr Marsh? No! No, you've not got a son called Scott, have you?
I have.
Well...! Well, what an amazing coincidence!
This is incredible, because I think my son is going out with your son.
I don't think so.
My son's not gay.
No, of course not. I mean, why would he be?
He's got a mate called Michael he spends quite a bit of time with.
Is your son's name Michael?
Another coincidence.
I think I'll reschedule - I've got to deal with something.
Mr Marsh, please, I think we'd better relax here.
There's a great likelihood
that there are plenty more 25-year-old Scott Marshes out there
practising law for Gates & Mills with a mate called Michael.
Harper?
Another coincidence.
- How was work? - Oh, you know.
- Same old, same old. - Dinner's almost ready.
There was one funny thing that happened, and in no way my fault.
Oh, no.
New patient, named Marsh. Very nice man.
Very dodgy 1 2 bicuspid which will probably need a full restoration and...
- Get to the bad part. - I think I outed Michael's boyfriend.
- What? - It was an honest mistake, Susan.
You couldn't give him one day being gay in peace?
Look...
Oh, no, what now?
- Your father needs to tell you something. - Why are you doing this?
- He's going to find out. - Find out what?
Mikey, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey.
- Oh, God, four Mikeys. This is bad! - Good news, bad news situation here.
The good news is I met Scott's father today.
Why does that sound like the bad news to me?
I may have, without any malice or forethought,
giving me a pretty good defence...
Get to it, Ben.
- I think I outed Scott to his father. - What?
I couldn't help it, Michael.
My life is over. Thanks, Dad(!)
Oh, come on.
Your father's screwed up our lives in the past, we've always got through it.
- Listen to your mother, Michael. - It'll all turn out well in the long run.
Little silver lining here. I think things may work out for the best.
How?
Well, Scott's father might not be as emotionally stunted as your mother.
I've got a gut feeling that this thing is just gonna blow over.
Hello?
- Scott. - My dad's kicked me out.
Any more gut feelings?
Mum, Dad, this is Scott.
Scott! Welcome to the family.
Oh, now you're just rubbing it in.
I'm sorry about this, Scott, I'm sorry. It's entirely my fault.
No, it's OK. I'm kind of glad it happened, in a way.
- Yeah. - Nothing to hide any more.
- Thanks, Mr Harper. - Hey!
Oh, please!
Don't mind her, she's emotionally stunted.
So, what are you gonna do?
We're gonna go over there and talk to Scott's father.
Haven't you caused enough damage for one day?
Yeah, I agree. That sounds like a terrible idea.
I'm just gonna talk to him, Mikey, OK?
Lead the way. Don't worry, I can be very persuasive.
- Great. - I'd leave your bag.
Joe?
It's me.
Joe?
- (KNOCK ON DOOR) - Joe?
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(INAUDIBLE)
Great(!) My loudmouth dentist, my gay son and Lord knows who else.
Hello.
Mr Marsh, may I come in? And don't worry, they're just here for support.
I'm here, because...
You caused all this?
Yep, that may be true, may be true, but as one father to another,
I'd like to share with you, for your benefit,
you know, a few thoughts, few ideas,
on the best way to handle the situation with your son.
Two things.
One, I don't need advice from a jumped-up gob-jockey.
And two, you carry on talking,
and I'm going to knock teeth out of your mouth you never even knew you had.
(BEN CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
OK, gave it a go. Everybody to the car.
Wow, Dad, I've seen you back down before, but this has got to be a record.
No. Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Mr Marsh, I'm Susan - Ben's wife and Michael's mother.
Super.
That's your son standing there, your own flesh and blood.
You're his parent and you're willing to lose all that because he's gay?
Yep.
You're an idiot. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Let's make a break for it.
You're making the biggest mistake of your life. You know what you are?
You are the most mean-spirited,
belligerent, opinionated bigot I have ever met.
Yup, and she's married to me.
Yeah, well, things were supposed to work out differently with my son.
Mr Marsh, let me share something with you.
I am the most sensitive, caring, open-minded, forward-thinking woman
you are ever likely to meet and I'm having a hard time with my son being gay.
You don't think I wanted things to turn out differently?
You don't think I wanted more grandchildren?
None of my plans are gonna work out for my son,
but you know what the difference is between you and me? I'm not...
What?
...selfish.
I love my son unconditionally.
Michael...
Michael, I am so sorry.
No need to apologise, Mum.
Your reaction was understandable. Dad's was just weird.
Scott, I'm sorry, too.
Just know you have my and Ben's support forever.
Totally, mate, totally.
Scott, you're moving in with us.
Yeah! ...What?
His father's just booted him out. He's got nowhere else to go. Let's go.
Whoa! Hang on. There's other options. I mean, let's just think.
A-ha! Got it.
Hey, so simple!
YMCA.
Scott...
What? It's fun to stay at the YMCA.
Are you Janey Harper?
Yes.
You took care of my father, Joe?
Oh, please, come in.
(HE CLEARS THROAT) He, er...
he spoke very highly of you.
He told me he never had a more patient or attentive carer.
Really?
He asked me, as executor of his will,
to make sure that you inherited his flat when he passed on.
- He left me the flat? - Yes.
Well, that's amazing.
He left me the flat?
Yes.
Oh, yes, I know. It just seems a bit weird, that's why I'm asking.
He left me the flat?
Yes, he left you the flat.
Oh, my gosh.
He left me the flat?
I'm sorry, I'm going to have to leave. You're reminding me too much of my father.
He left me the flat?
I'm not going to argue about it any longer. Scott is staying with us.
Susan, can I just have a word?
- Yeah, I'm next. - No...
Susan, I don't think it's a very good idea, Scott and Michael sharing a room...
so close to us.
Oh? Why not?
Well, I...
They won't feel comfortable.
- They won't. - Mm.
Nice try. What happened to being Mr Supportive?
Look, I'm very supportive of their lifestyle.
I just don't want to hear it in the next room.
This coming from a man with a ''Proud Parent Of A Gay'' T-shirt.
I also have a T-shirt that says ''South Harbour Bay Yacht Club''.
Doesn't mean I'm in it.
Hey, you'll never guess what happened.
Somebody gave me a flat just for being kind.
Can I live in it?
- Sod off! - That's unbelievable. Who did that?
That old man I was looking after died and left it to me.
Fantastic! She's got her own flat, so Mikey and Scott can go and live with her.
What? No way.
To be honest, I'm not too keen on sleeping some place with an old-man smell.
- Fine. We'll stay here. - I was talking about here.
We should all go to bed and we'll talk about it in the morning.
No, Susan, we don't want to go to bed.
We have to sort this out before we go to bed.
(ALL TALK AT ONCE)
(WHISTLES SHARPLY) Hang on, got it! This is getting us nowhere.
I have a short-term solution to the problem. A hotel.
- That's very generous of you, darling. - (MIKEY AND SCOTT CHAT)
So, if anyone needs me, I'll be at the Dorchester.
Sleep well.