(TELEVISION IS ON)
Hey, Dad.
Mum asked me to come over and check on you while she's away.
Ah, you know, that is so sweet. Bye!
So I guess you didn't hear that last part.
Do you mind if I hang out here for a little while?
My flat still has some of Scott's stuff in it,
- and it's kind of depressing. - Mm-hm. How is Scott?
We broke up two weeks ago.
You don't remember me coming over? I was a wreck.
You were consoling me and telling me how things were going to be OK.
No, yeah, right, I remember, that's right, because the new Top Gear
was just about to start, that's it,
and I was hoping you'd just...
- ...be OK. - Good save.
- Thank you. - Seriously, Dad,
- I'm having a really hard time with this. - Mm-hm.
I can't sleep, I can't eat.
I could really use a hug.
Yeah, well, your mum'll be back in a few days.
Oh, good, Michael, you're here. Hi, Dad.
Why don't you two give me the keys
to your places and I'll go and watch my TV show over there?
Listen, Michael, big favour. OK?
Kenzo's sick and I'm supposed to watch one of my home care clients.
If I cancel work, they're going to sack me. Can you cover for me?
I don't know, Janey.
Oh, please, Michael, come on,
he's just an old guy who sits around and watches TV.
- Does he have satellite? - Yeah.
I'll go.
Thanks, Dad, but I don't think so.
Why not? I can look after an old man.
No, it's just that this particular client's really tricky.
He'll try just about anything to get out of the house.
He's incredibly bright.
So? I can look after this old guy.
Hey, I'm incredibly bright too, you know.
Seriously, Janey, come on, I can look after an old man, please.
Look, I've learned a lot of things over the years,
you know, dealing with you kids.
Dad, I know you must have picked up a lot watching Mum raise us,
but this guy is good.
I went to the toilet once and he almost made it to the airport.
Come on, Janey, you go and get Kenzo and I'll cover for you.
OK, OK, but look, Dad, you have to promise me, under no circumstances
- is he to leave the house. - Why?
Because his daughter pays us a lot of money to look after him.
- OK, understood. - (SIGHS) I can't believe I'm doing this.
- Come on. - OK. Here's his address.
Yeah, yeah.
- And his keys. - OK.
- His name's Harry. - Right, so off you go.
Go and get Kenzo and I'll fill in for you.
Oh, look, Dad, if anything happens, just...
Janey, please, come on, I can handle this.
(SADLY) Hi, everyone.
I'm having a rough time missing Abi.
Well, sorry, Roger, I've got to go. Look, Dad, you're a life-saver.
Yeah, no, no, you're the life-saver.
I could use a few hours talking about it...
Bye, Mikey, bye.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Hello!
Oh, hello! The name's Ben Harper, Janey's father. You know, the carer?
I'm standing in for her.
(SHOUTING) Yeah. How are you?
- Not deaf. - Oh, I'm so sorry. So sorry. (LAUGHS)
Wow! Well, for a man who doesn't get out, you've got a lot of stuff.
Blimey, where's all this from?
Oh, travels around the world. I've had a good life.
- Yeah? - Had a little adventure here and there.
- Oh, Argentina. 1 973. - (BEN WHISTLES)
I spent a summer taming stallions...
- Whoa-ho! - (WHIP CRACKS)
...and some of the world's most beautiful women.
Oh, right. Sounds like you've had a full and adventurous life, mate.
Well, I'm sure you've had your share of adventures.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sure, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, there was that time on the M25.
Traffic...traffic backed up for miles, and I made a very cheeky move,
Harry, really cheeky move.
Went in the wrong direction, against the traffic.
Mind you, found a little slip road onto the A4... (WHISTLES)
...which was for service vehicles only...
...but that's how I roll.
How long have you been married, Ben?
Ooh, it's got to be...
er, oof...years.
My wife was a sweet, loyal, caring woman. Yours?
Yeah, for the sake of this conversation, yep, sure.
- Kids? - Yeah, two. Boy, girl.
I had three kids.
But my oldest son we don't really talk about.
That's right. Oh, I've got three as well! What am I saying?
And now my kids feel I need to be
watched all the time, like a child. I don't understand it.
Well, you know, Harry, sometimes your kids want you to be safe.
They want to control my life.
- Oh... - Ben, I was wondering...
No, no, no, Harry, please don't ask me that. I can't take you out.
I was told you'd ask.
Well, I was going to ask you to get me some water.
I can still have water?
Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. Absolutely.
I'll...I'll just go and get you some, OK.
I'll be right back.
I'm still here!
I miss the way Scott used to make me coffee every morning.
I miss the way Abi used to burn herself
on the coffee pot every morning.
Look at me, I'm pathetic.
I'm sitting around here like some loser who can't move on.
This is just sad.
This break-up is ruling my life and I'm an idiot for letting it...
You can jump in here anytime you like, Roger.
Mmm? Oh, right, sorry. Well, look at me.
It's been months and months of not being able to get over Abi.
I try, but inevitably I end up walking over to herjewellery box,
opening it, and watching that tiny ballerina spin around and around...
sometimes in an almost mocking fashion.
I'll just stand there sometimes
and look at this stupid picture that Scott gave me of us on my birthday.
Sometimes I pretend he's talking to me.
Sounds a little unhealthy.
You know what? I read somewhere that to help get over a relationship
you've got to physically destroy an object that other person gave you.
- Really? - You know what we should do?
I should go get that picture,
you should get Abi's music box, and we should smash them with a hammer.
Oh! Well, that sounds very liberating.
I know a couple of guys who are losers who can't move on,
- just like us. - Losers!
We can get them to bring their stuff over and have a moving-on party.
- (DIALLING) - Right...
Hey, John, it's Michael.
Oh, sorry, mate, don't want to interrupt your date.
(DIALLING)
Dan? Michael.
You're on a date? With John?
Sorry, mate, you guys have fun.
- Call your friends. - Yes, yes, er...
(LAUGHS) Oh...
Oh, oh, damn this phone!
I seem to have deleted all my contacts.
Oh, I really need to get a new phone.
Just go get the jewellery box.
OK, now, er, don't think this is weird, but...
I have it with me.
I don't think you're weird.
And that's me with Fidel Castro.
- Beat him at chess. - Wow!
And that's me fighting a bear.
Oh, that...that is incredible.
Ben, will you help me get some exercise?
What do you mean?
Well, I'd just like to walk around the room a little bit, if that's OK.
Um, OK. Just one minute, one minute, wait.
Can't be too careful.
I'd like to walk over to the window, if you don't mind.
Sure, sure. Take your time.
Oh, oh, just to get some fresh air.
It's been so long since I've been outside.
- Yeah. - Oh, that's wonderful.
It's great having you here, Ben.
All they send me are young people who have no clue what I'm going through.
Yeah. I just wish there was something
- I could do to help you, Harry. - You could take me down to the shops.
I can't do that.
Yes, I suppose me buying my own puzzle book is too much to ask.
It's just that I promised my daughter, Janey, that's all.
Oh, so your kids are controlling you already!
Oh, please, Harry.
No, no, you're right. Even though you saw how slowly I walked,
you can't make your own decision to make one old man happy.
I tell you, Ben, that when the end comes,
you can't go back and fix the mistakes you've made.
Because it's so final,
so desperately...
...final.
Listen, Harry, if...
Harry?
Oh, my God.
(WHISPERS) Harry?
- Harry? - You see, that's as final as it'll be.
Scary, isn't it?
Right, Harry, one...one puzzle book and then it's straight home, all right?
Thanks, Ben. I feel like I'm alive for the first time in years.
Now, you stay there, cos I just want to find a place to park.
- Hang on, there's a space there. - (HORN BLARES)
Yeah, yeah, come on. Come on, move.
Harry?
Harry?!
- (MOBILE RINGS) - Oh, no.
Hi, Janey. Yeah, yeah, yeah, everything's fine. Yeah, yeah.
He's having a little nap.
Yeah, of course I can handle this. Yeah.
- What do you think I am, an idiot? - (HORN BLARES)
- Idiot? - No, not you, not you.
Shh-shh, got to be quiet, dozing like a baby.
Now let's get to it.
- You go first. - You go first.
- No, you go first. - You go first.
Toss you for it.
Heads.
Tails. You lose.
Very well.
OK.
Here goes.
I smash this box to relieve the pain and suffering caused by Abi.
It's time for me to move on.
Time to move on from the heartache,
the tears, the sleepless nights, the hours...
- Michael! - I'm not done!
Sorry. Your turn.
Did I do it yet?
No! Go for it, Roger. It feels great.
I don't think I need to smash the box to move on.
Goodbye, Michael.
No, no, Roger. You mope around here like some pathetic animal
with this ''I miss Abi'' speech every ten minutes.
We're all sick of you, sick of you.
I mean,
here for you.
(MUSIC BOX PLAYS)
What do you mean you have a bad feeling about all this? Oh, stop it.
Oh, hang on, Harry's just telling a joke.
Hang on a second. Go on, Harry. (LAUGHS)
Yeah, yeah, and then...? (LAUGHS LOUDLY)
That is so funny, Harry.
I really appreciate you being here, Michael.
I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakthrough.
After tonight, I'm going to be able to live my life again.
Mates before dates, Roger.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Scott? What are you doing here?
I've been such an idiot, Michael. Can we give it one more chance?
Absolutely.
Bye, Roger.
Sorry, Janey, I think I'll have to go, my battery's go...
(IMITATES LINE BREAKING UP) ...dead. Bye.
Where are you, Harry?
Think, Ben.
Where would you go?
Ah-hem!
Oh! Puzzle book?
Strip club? Puzzle book? Strip club?
Strip club.
Of course. Let's get in the car and go home.
Oh, relax, Ben. We're here already, it's raining outside.
Now, please, one more Lady Gaga song. Look, I'll get you a drink.
No, I'm driving, Harry. Come on, let's go home.
Oh, fine. We'll go.
I can tell they've got to you already.
- Pardon? - You're already dead inside.
What do you mean, ''dead inside''?
One thing I learnt on my travels was wherever I was in the world,
it was the same - men are born with a fire inside them,
but you need to be careful, because that fire can slowly be extinguished.
And your flame has gone out, my friend.
There's not even a little flicker.
That is not true, not true. I have a little...little flicker.
(MUSIC BOX PLAYS)
(SILENCE)
Goodbye, Abi.
(MUSIC BOX PLAYS)
Let me ask you, Ben. Do you have any regrets in life?
Oh...! (LAUGHS) Yeah.
Like what?
Well... Er, yeah, but I, well...
- Come on, seriously, tell me. - No, no, no...
Well, it's just that...being a dentist wasn't my first choice.
- I always wanted to be a... - What?
A crooner, I mean, you know, like, a singer.
Why was that so hard to say?
- You know what, Ben? - Mmm?
That's something we can do tonight.
You are going to sing.
- What, here? - No, no, no...
I know a place.
You can do this, Roger Bailey.
You have to move on.
(HE PANTS)
I did it.
I did it! Ooh, that felt good.
''To Ben and Susan, love from Roger and Abi.''
Abi used to love this.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
Give it up for Sharon, ladies and gentlemen, yeah!
- A toast. - Huh?
Kwa hamodo chow den, whan dwang, chow hamodo.
What's that?
Well, I learnt it on the way to Russia on a Korean cargo boat.
- Wow, what does it mean? - Don't let life get in the way of living.
Wow. That... That is... That is beautiful. Cheers.
OK, next up we have Ben Harper singing...
- What? - ...Mr Bojangles.
I signed you up, Ben, when you were in the loo.
Go on. Live your dream.
- But... But, Harry... - Oh...!
This is your moment.
Harry, I can't do this!
♪ I knew a man...Bojangles
♪ And he'd dance for you
♪ In worn-out shoes
♪ Silver hair, a ragged shirt and baggy pants
♪ He would do the old soft shoe
♪ Then he'd jump so high
♪ Jump so high
♪ Then he'd lightly, oh, so lightly...
♪ ...Touch down
♪ He told me of the times he worked with minstrel shows
♪ Travelling throughout the South
♪ Spoke in tears of 1 5 years
♪ How his dog and he
♪ Hey, they would travel about
♪ But his dog up and died
♪ Yeah, dog up and died
♪ After 20 years he, he still grieved
♪ He said
♪ ''I, I dance now at every chance in honky tonk
♪ ''For my drinks and tips
♪ ''Most of the time I spend behind these county bars...'' ♪ (LAUGHS)
♪ ''You see, son, I...
♪ ''I drinks a bit.''
♪ Then he shook his head
♪ Oh, Lord, how he shook his head
♪ I could swear I heard someone say
♪ ''Please, please, that's Mr Bojangles
♪ ''Call him Mr Bojangles
♪ ''That's Mr Bojangles
♪ ''Dance, dance
♪ ''Oh, please dance for me
♪ ''Yeah, please dance again, Bojangles...'' ♪
(HE WHISTLES TUNE)
It wasn't that bad, was it?
It was, um...
Ah-hem! You got an ''applause'' button on there?
OK...
Oops!
The, er, the dog didn't really die. I mean, it's just a song.
It's a song, isn't it?
Isn't it, Harry? I mean, that's what I was...
He's gone, he's gone! Harry! Harry!
Seriously, mate, what is going on?
Listen to you sing...or club...? Club.
Yeah, well, come on, let's get in the car and go home.
Well, can't we just...?
No, we cannot, Harry. You're supposed to be at home. Now, come on!
- OK. There's just one little problem. - Oh, no, what now?
Well, I told a couple of friends of mine that I'd give them a lift home.
- What? - Ben, this is Jade.
- Hello! - And this is Michelle.
Jade's my dancing name, my real name's Marcy.
And Michelle's my dancing name.
My real name's Bambi.
Yep, course it is.
(THEY LAUGH)
Oh, now, that is a beautiful tattoo.
- (HORN BLARES) - Sorry!
Thank you. It's ancient Sanskrit.
Oh, really? What does it say?
''I support Chelsea.''
Do you have any tattoos, Ben?
'Fraid not.
- Let's get tattoos! - Yeah! Brilliant!
Well, I'm up for it. What about you, Ben?
Wh...? Now? Where?
I know a place.
Look, can't you get septicaemia?
Oh, yeah, they'll tattoo anything.
Come on, Ben.
- Or are you scared? - No, no, I'm not scared.
I mean, it's a big step, come on, you know, I mean,
I don't even know what I would get.
I know - a chicken!
(THEY CLUCK)
Do we have to pick up every stray dog in London?
Oh, come on. They're cute.
Very romantic to get your wife's name on your backside.
Yeah, well, she'll never see it.
- I'm proud of you, Ben. - Me too.
- Whoa, easy! - (MOBILE RINGS)
Hang on, that's my phone. Could you get it? It's in my back pocket.
Ooh, careful! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, tattoo! Tattoo!
It's my daughter.
Yes, hi, Janey, hi.
Yeah, yep. No, no, everything's fine, everything's fine. Yeah, yeah.
You know... You know when you said you didn't think I could handle this?
Well, as I sit here with an old man, two strippers,
three dogs and a tattoo on my arse,
I'm beginning to think you're right. Bye! Bye-bye!
STRIPPERS: Bye!
- Harry, can I ask you something? - Yeah, sure, Ben.
You know all that stuff in your room from your adventures?
- Oh, eBay. - Mm-hm.
- And the photo of you and Castro? - Photoshop.
Mm-hm. And the toast in Korean?
Gibberish.
Yep, yep, of course. Well played, Harry.
OK, girls. Where do you live?
Oh, um, I live in Leicester.
I live in Brighton.
Yep, course you do. Good.
(SINGSONG) Oh, we're all going to Brighton!
Harry, that's three-and-a-half hours on the motorway. It's killing me!
- You'd better take care of that tattoo. - Ow!
Keep it clean. I mean, that place looked a bit dodgy to me.
Thanks.
- Here. Let me check it out. - Ah...! Ah...!
- Oh... Oh. - What do you mean, ''oh''?
Well, I'm afraid he hasn't exactly spelt ''Susan'' properly.
What do you mean? In what sense?
- In that sense that says ''Jade''. - What?
The bloke must have thought you two were married.
- Oh, my God! - It's a fine job, if that's any help.
Oh, thanks.
Ah, er,
Ben, this is...
- my daughter, Janet. - Oh, hi. Hi.
Um, Ben Harper, the...the carer.
So, you've had my father out for a little night on the town?
No, no, no. We just popped out to buy a puzzle book.
- Show her the puzzle book. - Well, I left it in the, er...
club.
Oh, I've half a mind to take legal action.
That's what I pay you people for, to keep my father in the house.
- Look... Look, just let me explain... - No, look, this is terrible.
I shall be calling the agency first thing in the morning.
OK, fine, fine. Call them. But you know, let me tell you something.
This man, this man, your father,
is a good man and, er, he's taught me something tonight.
I mean, I know he tricked me into all this,
but...don't let life get in the way of living, eh, Harry?
Thanks, mate, I should be paying you.
I won't forget a thing you've told me.
Oh, well, thank you so much, I'm glad someone had a good night.
I just sat here and worried.
- Now, please, just go. - OK, fine.
I'll go. Kids, eh, Harry?
- I'm sorry, Ben. It was fun. - Hey. Don't you apologise.
And listen, I've had fun as well.
You take care.
Oh, what is this?
You having dinner with JFK?
- Too much? - Yeah, especially with the Cheeky Girls,
but, er, that's another thing.
Good night, Harry and, er,
hey,
live the dream.
Oooh!
Roger! What the hell are you doing?!
Saying goodbye to Abi. Destroying everything she ever gave me.
No!
No, that's our china, Roger!
She ate off it once.
- Give me the plate. - No!
Give me the plate, Roger.
- No! - It's all right, I'll deal with this.
Thank you. Now...
- Give me the torch. - No. No, I like the torch.
Give me the torch!
Safe.
You need help, Roger, come on.
You need people to help you and support you and surround you.
You need help and understanding at this really dark time.
- Oh, thank you, Ben. - So, off you pop.
Dad... Dad?
Yeah.
Is everything all right?
Um, yep, yep, everything's fine.
How did it go with Harry?
Er, great. Yep. Finished my shift,
- left him with his daughter. - Oh, great.
But his daughter lives in Los Angeles.
Hmm? Does she? Oh. No, no, no, no, she was actually there.
Very tall, blonde woman?
Er, yeah, that was her.
Dad!
Go! Go! Go!
I thought I was never, ever going to get rid of him.
- How much do I owe you? - Nothing.
Anything for you, Harry.
Hello? Susan? ...Hi, darling.
Just called to say, ''I love you.''
No, there's nothing wrong.
No, I was just remembering those times when we were young,
you know, when we had those cute little names for each other.
That was fun, wasn't it?
Yes, it was.
Well, I thought we'd try and bring a bit of romance
back into our lives and...and make up new names for each other.
You've always called me that.
No, I thought I might call you something like, um...
Jade.
No, it's cute, isn't it?
Oh, you'll get to like it.
Well, I'll talk to you tomorrow, OK?
Have a good night. Bye.
I love you...
Jade.