How you doing? Welcome to the show.
I'm Ben Stiller. This is Janeane Garofalo.
We're at the beach today... I won't let you say anything till I get this out.
We've gotten a lot of cards and letters requesting to see...
- Cards and letters requesting Janeane... - But I just... Could l...? Would you...?
We want to see you naked. Let's face facts.
We want to see you in a little tight tube top, prancing around.
- What do you say? - I'd say you're a chubby chaser, sir.
Janeane, come on.
You're not chubby. We'll be...
Shut up. I hate that word. Cut!
We'll be right back after this.
Hello.
I am Brent Forrester.
It's nice to be with you again.
I want you to get ready to relax.
Let the sound of the ocean relax and soothe you...
...as the tensions and distractions of the day...
...drift into the past.
Let the sound of the ocean relax every muscle.
Starting with your calves...
...and moving up to your nice, creamy thighs.
That's right.
Relax, and rub that into your stomach.
Very good with the lotion thing.
Now arch your back.
Nice.
Very nice. Hello.
Sorry to bother you. What?
Don't worry about it.
Hi, I'm Brent.
I'm Brent.
I'm here to relax you.
Relax.
Everybody take a deep breath.
It's... There's no need to...
In and out.
Don't play with that thing.
That is not a play toy.
No! What are...?
That thing is sharp!
Don't make me come down there!
I will crush you!
You'd better run, you... You...
Got him! Three points for the Relaxation King.
Now listen to the sound of the waves.
Let each and every muscle relax.
It's time for Roundtable, with correspondent Art Louwater.
Good evening. I'm Art Louwater, and this is Roundtable.
Tonight, television situation comedies and politics go head-to-head.
It all started about two weeks ago...
...on the season premiere of the hit comedy series Skank.
Who turned off the stinking faucet? I'm trying to get some sleep.
Skank, you're not supposed to waste water.
Doris, it's not a waste. You are!
Turn the faucet on and shut your stinking trap!
The following day, Senator Edmund Warring...
...made an off-the-cuff reference to the show at an awards ceremony.
And might I add that I am sickened...
...by the way TV shows such as The Skank...
...trivialize serious issues such as water conservation.
I think when it comes to water usage, Mr. Skank should shut his stinking trap.
Skank shot back with a hurriedly rewritten episode.
I think when it comes to water usage, Mr. Skank should shut his stinking trap.
Doris, get in here!
The world's biggest moron is on TV.
Hey, everybody, go turn on the faucets full blast.
Flood the place! I feel like taking a nap.
You know, the human body is 90% water.
How much of that is wasted every year by murder?
Senator Warring...
...get your priorities straight, or shut your stinking trap!
Thank you. Thank you.
That's right.
Now, here to clarify things...
...in the studio with me is Senator Edmund Warring...
...and live via satellite from his Hollywood set...
...the actor who portrays Skank, Theodore Hume.
Gentlemen, thanks for joining me.
- My pleasure. - It's great to be here, Art.
Mr. Hume, as the creator and star of Skank...
...are we to believe that you condone the character's actions?
I think it's rather obvious that Skank is an antihero...
... a clown, a Pagliacci, not to be emulated, but rather pitied.
- That is a load. - I beg your pardon?
Look, when a child sees you up there...
...with your madcap antics and your slapstick behavior...
...he's gonna try it himself, and that means he's gonna waste water.
Let me ask you a question, sir.
If your daughter couldn't sleep without water running...
... would you protect her freedom of choice...
... or lock her up and throw away the key?
- That is unfair. - Answer the question!
Why don't you shut your stinking trap!
All right, gentlemen. Why don't we just cool our jets for a second.
Senator Warring, he does have a good point.
Look, I just can't believe that I'm being lampooned...
...by a TV standup comedian.
I'm examining the truth, you lou...
Look, I have here 50 documents...
... that state that you used to have water-balloon fights as a child.
- Where did you get those? - Answer the question!
Why don't you shut your stinking trap.
You shut your stinking trap!
Shut your stinking trap!
- You shut it! - Shut your stinking trap!
You shut your stinking trap!
I will not listen! You shut it!
Shut it! Shut your stinking trap!
- Keep your trap shut! - Shut your trap! Shut it! Shut it!
Shut your lousy trap!
Gentlemen, uh, gentlemen...
I might advise both gentlemen to shut their stinking traps...
...if they could hear me.
Listen, I'm Art Louwater, and this has been Roundtable.
Thank you for joining us. Good night.
- You... - Shut your stinking...
On the next Skank:
Everything goes nuts when the family is visited by Senator Edmund Doofus.
Senator!
Have you seen my pants?
I'm not even gonna waste my breath.
It'll be classic Fox.
One thing I love about Southern California...
...is the beautiful weather, the clean, fresh air...
...the natural beauty of the water, and the...
Andy, no!
Andy! Andy, didn't you see the sign?
I can't read.
Thank you. This has been a comedy sketch...
...but the character Andy represents is a cross-section of this country.
People who are illiterate, coupled with an environment...
...that's really icky and bad, makes for a terrible combination.
I really drank some of that stuff.
- You're not supposed to. - It burned going down.
That's what I call commitment to a character.
Welcome back, headslammers.
It's time to sit in with James Hetfield and Lars Ulrich of Metallica.
So, boys, let's do a conversation kind of thing.
Why don't you tell us why you decided to do a motion picture soundtrack.
It's like, we've always wanted to score a film, Duff.
It's like, we had to wait for one...
...that was as extreme and dark as Metallica is, you know?
The Boy Who Magically Switches Places With His Dad is that film.
That's right. James is totally tapped into...
...the whole dark side of the switching thing, you know?
It's like, after we saw 18 Again together...
...James came home and wrote this incredible ballad.
- "Eighteen is Three Sixes." - Disney was insane not to buy it.
What makes this movie different from all the other father/son switching films?
Different actors, you know?
It's different actors...
You know, the father is a host of a TV morning show in this one.
I mean, think about it, you know, it's like...
...the kid switches places with his dad.
So it's like, he doesn't know how to run a TV talk show.
What is he gonna do?
Well, buddies, Pauly Shore's in this film, right?
Why don't you tell us how you feel about that.
Pauly Shore scares the hell out of us.
- But that's life, isn't it? - It sure is. C'est la vie.
Well, the tune is "The Father/Son Switching Song"...
...and the band is Metallica. So let's check it out together.
Well, that was some buzz clip, now, wasn't it?
This film deals with complex issues on a lot of different levels...
...but the bottom line is, it's just the old switcheroo.
Yeah. I was, like, thinking about what that kid says at the end of the film.
You know, about how you gotta be yourself...
...and not try to be somebody else.
Hey, Lars, don't give away the ending, man.
Shoot. I'm sorry.
Well, it's time to do a little commercial...
...but we'll be back with more Metallica.
- What are you doing, man? - I'm sorry. I was just... stupid.
I switched places with a stupid guy or something.
You switched places with a drum stool.
Hello. Welcome to Andy Dick's Political Children's Theatre...
...where a spoonful of sugar helps reality go down.
Tonight's scene is meant to spark discussion of a very serious topic:
The homeless.
So put on your thinking caps. And scene.
Hey, man, you got a dollar for a cheese sandwich?
Drop dead, hobo! Why don't you work for a living?
I can't get a job, because I ain't got no home.
Maybe we should have more compassion. These are tough economic times.
We can't just give money to any Boxcar Willie who asks for a handout.
So then you ain't gonna help anybody?
Where do we draw the line?
I need more ships, Sir Charles.
To do so will cost us money.
Not to do so...
...will cost us England.
Hi. Welcome back to the KFSB Pledge-a-thon.
When it comes to super-duper dramatic programming...
...public television is where you'll find it. But guess what, people?
Great drama doesn't grow on trees. We won't carry at a deficit any longer.
What we're looking for is 10,000 pledges.
We've got our work cut out for us, don't we?
So let's get on the horn. In the meantime, back to some great drama.
Do you find my policies...
...unwise, Sir Charles?
With His Majesty in such a mood, I think it best not to answer, sire.
A shrewd response.
But how will you respond...
...to this?
Welcome back to the KFSB Pledge-a-thon.
You don't get great drama like that on regular television...
...and you certainly don't get it commercial-free.
You know what else you don't get?
This attractive tote, which can be yours free when you become...
...a "Special Friend" at PBS, and it's only a $50 donation.
That's right, Ruth.
And for just $200 more, you'll become a PBS "Cherished Companion"...
...which entitles you to a free cassette entitled Laugh About Washington...
...a full hour of wit from comedian/ commentator/political satirist Mark Russell.
Absolutely, Neil.
Now let's get back to some of that great uninterrupted programming.
You have betrayed me, Sir Charles.
The letter. I am undone.
Now you must pay for it.
Welcome back to the KFSB Pledge-a-thon.
With us today is the star of the dramatic presentation you're enjoying, Daniel Stillman.
- Daniel, hello. - Hi.
Why don't you tell us what attracted you to the role of Henry the Wicked on PBS.
Well, Henry's always been a fascinating human being.
He's a moral dilemma. I felt it was a good chance to stretch some acting muscle...
...and really get in there and fight some demons.
Super-duper, Daniel. So you'll be manning the phones with us, I assume?
You'll be in the trenches and giving of your time.
I hadn't... Nobody mentioned the phones...
...but I guess I could hang out for a couple minutes.
Okay, let's get back to that great commercial-free programming...
...that makes it all worthwhile.
I have to really get out of here.
Just go... Just go over to the phone. Just... Just pretend.
No. You... You must reconsider, Your Majesty.
By the way, Ruth, that personal plea Dan made earlier is from the both of us...
...for, alas, if you do not give, public programming will be:
"Out, out, brief candle."
Reconsider...
But I... I...
For an additional $500, you become a PBS "Bestest Buddy of Them AII."
You'll receive seven tote bags, a Mark Russell shirt and a mug that says:
"I like my coffee... uninterrupted."
Letter was part of a game...
...where you write down the opposite of how you feel.
What are you waiting for? Think you could get this tote bag anywhere else?
You can't. So make the call.
What price England?
PBS: Special programs, attractive totes...
...and no commercials.
I'm not moving till you make the call.
- I'm quite serious. - Excuse me...
I can stand here all day...
...if I have to. The gravy train is over. Get off.
Put something into the system.
He looks like he's got a rope. My goodness! What a good mime this is.
What's going on? What are you doing?
Andy's doing mime, and I'm his shill.
Hey, look at him go! Looks like he's climbing the wall.
I like him. I'm going to give him money. Other people should too.
Come on. Looks like he's really climbing the building.
- It's an incredible illusion, really. - It's all an illusion, though.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Andy, get down from there.
Andy...
- We'll be right back after this. - Andy, sketch is over.
You know, the scary part is, he'll reach the top and he'll keep going.
He'll keep going, because he's a mime. He doesn't need anything to climb.
- Bye, Andy. - See you.
It's time once again for "Stiller's Wheel of Filler."
Where the wheel stops, that's where the comedy goes.
Bruce Springsteen makes an answering machine tape.
All right. Well, let's see here.
Hi, this is the Boss. Would you leave a message after the...
No, that's... That doesn't work.
Hey, all right. Here.
Hi. I'm in a lost treasure cave searching for... No.
That's ridiculous. That's not funny.
The Boss is out. The Boss is out.
The Boss it out, the Boss is... Nah, that's just not...
Think, think, think. All right. All right. Here we go.
Hello?
What's that? I can't hear you. You gotta speak up.
I can't hear you. Ha, ha! Ha, got you.
Just playing around with you.
I'm not here right now. Would you leave a message at the beep. Thanks a lot.
Yeah, that's a good one. That's gonna work.
I can't wait for somebody to call so I can see if they like it.
Hello, I am Brent Forrester.
It's nice to be with you again.
It is time now to relax.
Excuse me. I'm searching for the Sandy Shoal of Creativity. Am I close?
No. This is the Oceanfront for Advanced Relaxation.
You'll want to go down past the Fertile Pastures of Assertiveness...
...and make a right at the Volcano of Dynamic Energy.
You can't miss it.
I'm running a little late. You wouldn't mind if I stayed here, would you?
I'm sorry, I would mind. I have this spot for the full hour, okay?
That's why there's sign-up sheets for these things.
Why don't you relax. There's room here for the both of us.
Don't tell me to relax. I am Brent Forrester, "Mr. Relaxation."
Is that supposed to impress me? I'm Jefferson Kahn, Master of Inner Balance.
Whoop-de-do. Congratulations. Now leave.
There's no need to be sarcastic.
- You don't seem too relaxed, my friend. - Want me to take you down, mister?
- Lay your best shot on me, hotshot. - Okay, turban-head.
- I love that lipstick, by the way. - Relax.
- Inner peace. - Let your inner peace...
Negativity all flow away. You are one with the universe.
What's the matter? You can't keep up?
Allow the love and the laughter of the universe to fill your soul.
Are you finished, Yul Brynner?
Find your inner peace. Let it soothe and relax you.
You're happy you don't look like a pathetic super-boy with strange blond hair.
Find your inner peace and let it relax you.
- That's good. You said that already. - Find your inner peace...
Sounds like you're busting up, Mr. Can't-Take-It.
L... You, shut up, and I hate all of you!
All of you! I hate you! I can't take it! Oh, God!
Well, looks like he reached his breaking point.
Welcome to the new man in town: Mr. Inner Balance.
All right, okay, listen.
It's not fair. It's just not fair.
I want you to apologize to Bob.
- I'm not going to apologize. - You destroyed his sandcastle.
- It wasn't fair. Now, apologize. - This isn't fair. Mine is clearly better.
- Can I say something? - Yeah.
- Kaboom! - What are you doing?
What are you doing?
I won!
You stop that! Stop that!
This is great. This is my cast. I have a very mature cast.
You get away!
Don't step on my lines.
- Step on lines? - I'm not talking to you.
- You use mine as a railroad track. - You were stepping on mine.
- Don't give me that. - You stepped on his lines.
Shut up. Shut up!
- And don't step on my lines. - I wasn't.
- I'm a professional actor! - So are we!
I don't care, hear me? Do your part, and do it well...
...and then get out of here!
[ENGLISH]