Hey, welcome to the show. I'm Ben Stiller.
This week, we're coming to you from a train museum.
You're probably wondering why a train museum.
Why don't you ask Bob? It was his idea.
It makes perfect sense. This is where comedy started.
Trains built this country, and they built this business.
- The comedy business? - Remember the early train comedians?
Trainee McGee, the Caboose-niks, the first improv group?
They took suggestions over the first half of the country...
...and did scenes based on those over the second half.
I never heard of them.
Ben, I just wanted to come here. I've never been here...
...and I wanted to ride that little train...
...because it makes you seem like you're a giant.
Why don't we just go to this?
- Can we ride the trains? - We'll see what we can do.
Trains!
Excuse me. Hi.
You're Casey Kasem. You're unbelievable.
- Thank you very much. - No, seriously.
- I'm telling you. You blow me away. - That's nice of you...
No, what you do, it's really amazing. It's fabulous.
- Yes, well, can we...? - No, what you do, I really get it.
I get what's going on with you. It's amazing. Really. Great stuff.
No. Really. Do me a favor. Say:
"Coming in this week at number one: Lionel Richie with 'Stuck on You."'
- No, I really don't think I can... - No, seriously, do it. Come on, do it.
Coming in at number one this week: Lionel Richie with "Stuck on You."
You get this at home all the time, right?
All right, do Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. Come on.
Scoob, old buddy, old friend, old pal, I could really dig a pizza right now.
- Do you mind if we finish our meal? - No, do me a favor.
- Come over and say hello to my wife. - My daughter and l...
No, come on. Do it. Seriously. Do it.
Get dressed up as the waiter and pour her water. It would blow her away.
- I can't do that. - No, come on. Do it.
- I'd love to, but... - No, seriously. Do it.
Do it.
If I'd only had the roughy...
If ifs and buts were candy and nuts with you.
I'm Casey Kasem. Can I get you more bread?
- Oh, my God. Casey Kasem's our waiter. - That's incredible.
- Did you do this? - No, no, no.
- Is that enough? Can I leave now? - No, you're the waiter. Wait on us.
- I can't do that. - No, seriously. Come on. Do it.
Do it. Come on, Casey. Do it.
Tonight, we have two specials:
Flying up the chart at number two, we have a vegetarian surprise.
At number one, we have a tofu burger with date-nut bread.
I love it. "Date-nut bread."
Britton. Spider. Anna. Vaughn.
Akeem. Tank. And Devin.
These are the kids of Melrose Heights...
...902102402.
Check out Vaughn. He does a cool robot dance.
Ja, he's very good.
I gotta get to class.
- Hey, Anna. - Hello, Devin.
- Vaughn is a robot, ja? - Really?
See you around.
- Hey, Dev. - Hey, Britton.
- Did you hear? Vaughn's a robot. - Devin, who told you that?
- I can't remember. - It's not nice to spread rumors.
Pardon me. I need to fuel up.
Oh, my God. You were right.
I always knew there was something different about him.
I'm scared.
Push the envelope! You can do it! Come on! All right! That's it!
Spider, did you hear? Vaughn is a robot.
I can't believe it. I thought I really knew him.
- Maybe he's from outer space. - Kind of makes me sick to my stomach.
Oh, my God. What if he wants to turn us into robots?
What if he wants to eat our brains?
My parents would kill me if someone ate my brains.
I am so scared. Will one of you make out with me?
Odds.
Once, twice, three, shoot!
This is nice. Somebody made me lunch.
Batteries?
I am not a robot!
To be continued.
All aboard!
We're hanging out in the train yard. This is cool. This is fun, right?
It's okay. It's just kind of hot.
It's the first day of fall, and it's 100 degrees.
It hearkens back to every bad family vacation that I ever had.
Yeah, but you look good. You look really good, Janeane.
Thank you, Ben. And you look very trim.
- Thank you. I watch what I eat and... - And you use the StairMaster.
What did you listen to this morning on the StairMaster?
- I can't recall. - He was listening to Duran Duran.
One time. One time. What's wrong with Duran Duran? What?
Nothing. But every time I hear a song by Duran Duran or something...
...I just assume a band member has died...
...because you never hear that anymore. I went:
"Oh, my God! Simon LeBon is dead. They're playing Duran Duran again."
It'll be a sad day when Simon passes on.
- People will visit his tomb. - Why don't we watch this now, okay?
Listen up, class. We're very fortunate today to have a visitor...
...from the government's council on juvenile crime and delinquency.
Let's all give our full attention please to our guest, Mr. Marcus.
Hello, class. My name is Jeffrey Marcus.
I wanna have a straight talk with you about a very serious subject:
Your future.
I know what you're thinking:
Who's this square in the suit and tie who's gonna tell me about my future?
Well, let me tell you something: I've done it all.
Any drug you can eat, I ate it.
I've killed a man, and I'm not proud of it.
And I got 12 years of hard time in the can to prove it.
So let's talk about you.
Now, as sixth-graders, you're all at a crossroads in your life.
Believe me, I know what it's like. I've been there.
One day, you're having fun at the prom or the school football game.
Next day, you wake up, you're in the woods, eating bugs...
...talking about how the dark troll has murdered Paul McCartney.
Well, he won't murder me!
Yes, I know you're here.
Run, Gillis. Run for help. Go.
Okay. Let's talk about drugs.
A lot of people will tell you it's cool to take a drug trip.
What they won't tell you is where that trip will lead you.
Drugs will not take you to a place...
...where your problems don't exist, people.
A place where velvet hills sweep out in all directions...
...and the grass grows right through your feet.
Where the sunlight pours down like yellow energy nectar...
...dripping through your pores and filling your limbs...
...swallowing you up and taking you into the vacuum...
...of eternal happiness.
Okay, let me use some visuals to illustrate my point.
It starts out innocent enough.
Somebody will offer you some chewing tobacco.
"Sounds like fun. Ballplayers do it. Why can't I?"
What they won't tell you is that chewing tobacco...
...acts as a magic key...
...for the magic boy...
...who's invited to a magic party.
Look. It's the magic party with the drinky-thing and the smokey-thing,
Mr. Crazy Smokey-thing. We're all dancing around having a great time.
It's a hoedown. People are asking other people to have a little fun.
It's craziness. It's roses and lollipops.
Then, all of a sudden, there's a murder!
Somebody's been killed. Was it Mr. Drinky-thing?
Was it me? No, it wasn't me!
Shut up! I will tell this story. It needs to be told.
Why would I kill someone who I love? Just tell me why.
Gillis! Gillis!
It's him! The black troll! He's come for you all. He wants you!
I've traveled through three time warps, and he keeps coming for me.
He wants to suck your innocence! Leave me! Go!
He's winning! He's winning!
No! No! No! You won't get me!
No!
All right, then. Are there any questions?
Welcome back. We're at the train yard.
I ran into my buddy Colin Quinn, which is great because the train thing is old.
You want to be the guest star on the show? We can have fun.
Like second fiddle to the train? I'm working out.
If you want to come along with me, that's fine. Otherwise...
I can't stop working out because you decided the train thing doesn't work.
Let's go along with Colin. You can be on the show?
I'm not one of these desperate actors trying to look for work.
No, I know that. We'll just hang out with Colin.
Are you training for something?
- Run. - That's right, Ben. That's right.
- All right, can we take a little break? - Okay, sure.
So, what have you been up to?
What does that mean? Like, "What have I been doing career-wise?"
- Isn't that what you mean? - I thought people might be interested.
You might be interested. I'm up for the white guy on Hangin' with Mr. Cooper.
See, Ben, I'm not like you, Ben. All right?
My whole life doesn't revolve around career.
All you care about is your show. I've seen your show.
I know what you're doing. All the little Fox parodies.
Look at how pretentious they are, the poseurs on Melrose Place. Oh, 90210.
And look at you, Ben. You look just like them.
From the well-coiffed hair to the little biceps, the jacket.
That hollowed-cheek, kind of enfant terrible...
...Rebel Without a Cause, cultivating thing you're doing.
Okay, let's just go to this, all right? Because...
"Enfant terrible"?
Last time...
... on Melrose Heights 902102402:
Pardon me. I need to fuel up.
Spider, did you hear? Vaughn is a robot.
I am not a robot!
And now, the conclusion of "Robot, Go Home."
You know, you think you know someone, but you don't.
- Word. - Yeah, I know. Oh, here he comes.
Hey, gang, let's go to lunch. I hear it's Salisbury steak.
- No, thanks. - Not today.
- We're not eating. - We're on a diet.
A diet? What kind of a diet?
The l-don't-eat-with-people- l-think-are-robots diet?
Move it!
- Did he say Salisbury steak? - Sounds good. Let's go.
Settle down. Settle down.
Well, it seems some of you have been spreading an ugly rumor...
...about one of your fellow classmates.
I don't know how many times I'm going to have to remark on this.
Although modern science has developed sophisticated robotics...
...no one in his right mind would build a robot...
...just to hang around this high school.
Excuse me, sir, but that's just not true.
I've seen a robot, and his name is Vaughn.
I saw him. He's beginning to rust.
No! The only robot in this school is Mr. Clanky.
Is he going to try and kill us too?
No, people! He's a toy!
I think we were wrong about Vaughn.
- Hey, Vaughn, are you okay? - Don't worry about me.
- Robots don't have feelings. - We just came to apologize.
You're a little late. I've decided to transfer schools again.
Don't leave. You're not really a robot.
You mean that?
Sure. And even if you were a robot, we'd still love you.
And I'd still love you.
I can't transfer. I'd miss you guys too much.
And I'd miss being on the wrestling team...
...and the swim team and the water polo team and the...
Do it, Vaughn!
If you wanna learn more about gossip or robots...
...visit your local library or send for a free pamphlet.
And remember, gossip is uncool.
Tai chi, Ben. You know what it's all about, Ben?
Balance.
You balance your work life with your personal life.
That's what you don't have yet, Ben: Balance.
That's what you need. Let me show you something.
I don't wanna do any tai chi.
A lot of us have to do things we don't want to.
But that's what tai chi's about: Doing things we don't want to.
For instance, I have to go on the road 50 weeks a year to make money...
...because I don't have a TV show. I want one, but I don't have one.
You have one! Why do you have one and I don't have one, Ben?
- Let's go to another film. - I'm talented too, Ben.
I'm Adam West.
Tonight on Information 411...
...true stories from the over 5 million people a day...
...who call the nation's directory assistance...
...searching for phone numbers, addresses and area codes.
People who, for whatever reason...
...can't look it up themselves.
Meet Ed Jannick, a salesman from suburban Cincinnati.
It was a Friday, and I was making my rounds as usual.
All of a sudden, I remembered:
I had to pick up my fiancée's birthday present.
You see, Kathy's a real Netherlands nut...
...so I had these special clogs made up for her.
Unfortunately, the store was about to close.
I realized the only way I'd get them to stay open a little bit longer...
...was if I gave them a call.
However, luck was not on Jannick's side.
In the confusion of the day's busy events...
... he had inadvertently left the clog store's phone number...
... on a Post-it Note, which he had sat on earlier in the day.
The odds stacked against him.
Jannick resorted to instinct.
I remember thinking, "Go for the phone book."
Up until then, I had never used directory assistance.
I felt that it was a luxury that I couldn't afford.
With time running out before the store closed...
... Jannick was forced to swallow his pride and dial for help.
At exactly 4:57, Laura Milligan took the call.
Operator 57. What city, please?
I don't know what city. I need the number now!
I immediately detected a sense of urgency in his voice.
In that situation, our first job is to calm the caller down...
...so we can get the information we need.
They're going to close, and it's my girlfriend's birthday.
Okay, sir. Now, calm down.
I need the full name of the clog store.
I don't know. It's something Van Joy.
How many could there be in the Cincinnati area?
- There are 37, sir. - No!
I guess I was freaking out or something.
Milligan, a seasoned operator, knew there wasn't much time.
Then she had an idea.
The previous Saturday she'd attended the wedding of her half-brother Steve...
...who had married a foreign girl.
But I couldn't remember if that little gal was Danish or Dutch.
Okay, sir, now, just relax.
I'm gonna put you on hold for one second.
By this time, Laura's supervisor...
... and most of the staff were monitoring the situation.
Please, I'm in a hurry!
Laura called her half-brother as precious moments ticked away.
- Hello? - Hello, Stevie?
Is Gretel Danish or Dutch?
She's Dutch.
Great. Where does she buy her clogs?
A little place called Ik Hoy Van Joy, I think. Why?
No time to talk. Thanks, doll.
Taking decisive action, Milligan went beyond her normal responsibilities...
... and connected Jannick directly to the store.
- Hello. Ik Hoy Van Joy Footwear. - Oh, thank God. Listen.
I'm gonna be a little late. Could you hold my clogs?
No problem, Mr. Jannick.
Working together, Laura Milligan and directory assistance...
...helped to ensure a happy birthday for Ed Jannick's fiancée.
It's just a good feeling, you know?
I mean, that's what we're all about.
It taught me...
...that I have a friend in 411.
Coming up next, a man with just a dime...
...discovers the phone number of a movie theater.
We're hanging out with Colin Quinn, overlooking Hollywood.
It's really beautiful from up here, isn't it? Really peaceful and nice.
Yes, Ben, it is. It is peaceful, darling, dear, sweet Ben.
Yes. Ben, I'd like to read you a little...
Not a poem, but something I wrote that might be appropriate for your show.
The show has a lot of jokes in it, but maybe it needs more depth.
- This one's called "Coyote." - "Coyote" by Colin Quinn.
Coyote Desert slattern
Stuffed full of blood Dogs, vomit
Coyote I love thee
You could do it as Tom Cruise or something, you know?
- One of the characters. - Maybe you should talk to somebody.
Do it as, like, the Herman Munster guy you do.
We'll be back after this. It's Eddie Munster.
And, action.
That's about it. I wanna thank Colin Quinn for hanging out.
It was great to run into you.
Thanks, I'm sorry about the whole thing before.
- I just quit smoking. - Right. No problem.
It's been really hard, but thank you, thank you.
- It'll be okay, really. - I'll see you around, bro.
All right. I'll see you.
Colin, could you give me a ride?
Col! Col!
Col, could you give me a ride, please? Col! Col! Col!
He's a little tense these days, I guess. Yeah.
All right. Well... I guess I'II...
Where do we go now? How do we get out of here?
- I'd love to, but... - No, seriously. Do it. Come on, do it.
Do it. Do it.
Cut.
Don't fear or think that you're too high-and-mighty to...
Three little digits. Just bing, bing, bing.
I have a friend in 411.
- And that was a good one. - That was a good one.
- Can we cut that laugh? - Maybe.
[ENGLISH]