Aliens in America - Preair
Okay, so check this out.
Let's say a space alien landed in my own town.
If he was 16 years old, he would go to my high school.
and let's face it, his life would probably suck.
Everyone would make fun of his giant head and his big bug eyes.
He'd be an outcast, a loner.
Definitely a virgin.
There'd be nothing he could do about it,
except wait for his spaceship to take him home.
I didn't have a spaceship.
And each year of high school was worst than the last.
But all of that was about to change.
Because right before my junior year,
I got my braces off.
You're gonna need to stop licking your teeth like that,
it's distracting to look at.
I just can't get enough of how this feels,
I mean, they're really gone.
Yeah, well, open up.
We don't need any hash browns cutting our million dollar smile.
This is my Mom.
Three years earlier, she resigned as President of the PTA,
because she wanted to focus on normalizing me.
Even though I didn't always think she knew what she was doing,
sometimes, I kind of got cut up.
If I was a girl of your age...
Gary, you know what?
I should drive him down to Milwaukee.
Have him visit one of those modeling agencies.
- Really? - That's not a bad idea, Franny,
you know they take all kinds.
Stan Parker's kid just did a print ad for Home Depot.
That's a year of college.
My Dad had a good job.
But he was always looking for a new way to make money.
Which is why we were breeding 6 alpacas in our backyard.
Okay, hon.
Here you go.
Look at you.
This is gonna be your year.
The only thing crazier than my mom pumping me up like that
was the fact that I believed it.
But that's what made the dates between us so special.
Justin, you're doing it again.
I was?
You're doing it like all the time, by the way.
This is my little sister Claire.
My Mom says part of my job is to make sure she's doing okay.
Like I don't have enough to deal with.
Claire! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Hey, Tolchuk!
These are the Palladini twins.
Last year, they put a gun in my mouth.
Turned out to be a water pistol,
but I did not know that at the time.
Dude, what happened to your sister?
- What? - Over the summer she got fine!
Where do that come from?
- Where do what come from? - Her giant breasts.
My sister went away to camp and came back with an entirely new body.
You don't look those? What are you, gay?
- No, I'm not gay, it's just-- - Are you on that?
- My sister? - You gotta get on that!
If she was our sister, I'd be up in her room every night!
No, I'd be in her room every night.
If she's in our house, she's going with me!
She's going with me!
- Wassup! - Oh, what's up!
As the Palladinis pounded each other,
I realized something.
That went reallly well.
Those guys didn't even call me a name,
not a homo or a retard or anything.
But then, the day got even better.
Like before gym class, in the locker room,
historically a place of unspeakable torture,
a group of guys were talking about the girls
they had sex with last night.
And one of them took a step back so I could join the conversation.
All I did was listen, but that was enough for me.
One of them said he had sex with my sister last night,
which I know was a lie
but I didn't correct him.
The moment was too perfect.
And just when I thought the day couldn't get any more awesome...
Did you get your braces off?
... Amy Greenblatt came over and talked to me.
I got them off, like a week ago.
- I like it. - Well, thanks.
Good things were happening to Claire as well.
You made the list!
What list?
The list was a compilation of names the coolest senior guys put together
of the 10 most bangable girls in Medora High.
Bangable?
- Is that good? - Are you kidding? It's amazing.
Your life is totally gonna change.
Do you think I'll also have time for softball?
I don't know.
Oh, my God.
Look who's number 8.
I know.
Hey, Tolchuk. You've seen you made the list?
Kurt, we're kind of in the middle of something.
You did! You're the 8th most bangable chick in the school!
How classic!
You really are a loser!
- You guys are such jerks. - Bangable!
Justin, it's just a stupid joke, it doesn't mean anything.
But it did mean something.
Every year, some poor bastard gets put on the list,
and this year, it was me.
And at that moment, I realized the problem was never my hair,
or my braces or anything like that.
The problem was me.
And I was never going to change.
I might as well have had a massive head and huge bug eyes,
I was a space alien, only no one was coming to get me.
At least, not yet.
After hearing I was numer 8 on the list,
my Mom marched directly down to my guidance councillor's office.
which moved me up two spots to numer 6.
You know, Franny, I've also been thinking about Justin's situation.
I think I have a solution.
This is Mr. Matthews, my guidance councillor.
He's also the top-selling car salesman in Medora.
Exchange student.
You mean send him away?
You take someone in.
And Justin is essentially guaranteed of friendship.
You see, these kids we're bringing in, they're not the dregs.
These student leaders.
Athletes.
Take a look.
This blond boy here is the exchange student?
He was in medicine last year.
And this little fellow right here,
he is now the President of his student class.
We'll take him.
I think any teenager's lowest point comes
when his mother decides she has to import a friend for him.
My father however couldn't have been happier.
The host family gets a check every month for 500 bucks.
Franny, how many of these kids can we get?
- Dad! - What?
You'll have a whole gang to pal around with,
we could put cots in the basement.
One per household, hon.
I guess that wasn't him.
Are you the Tolchuks?
I am Raja, your exchange student.
I'm sorry, son.
There might be some confusion.
The boy we ordered was supposed to come from London.
That is me.
I started in Pakistan and then I flew in from London.
You are such good people to open your own home to me.
And I thank and praise Allah for bringing you into my life.
Thank you, Allah,
for the Tolchuks.
It seemed impossible,
but somehow my life had just gotten worse.
As we welcomed Raja into our home, he was too giddy with excitment
to realize just how much we were freaking out.
What a beautiful home.
Thank you, Raja.
The guest room is just down the hall.
Make yourself at home, we'll see you in the morning.
Forgive my confusion, but is it not 6:30 here?
I am your mother while you're here.
You've had a long flight. I insist you go to bed.
Of course.
What are we gonna do?
I don't think there's anything we can do.
I don't understand, why can't we just like return him?
Would you please tell your son we can't do that?
I don't see why not.
If I ordered a coffeemaker and I got a toaster, I'd return that.
Dad, if I walk into school with him tomorrow, I will be crucified!
Excuse me.
There is a book on the night stand.
Would it be okay with you if I moved it to make room for my book?
Oh, yeah, that'd be fine.
- Many thanks. - Sure.
What about the terrorist question?
- Are you serious? - They pose as students, Gary.
Bill O'Reilly said so, you need to watch more news.
It's Medora, Wisconsin.
So now Medora is not important enough to blow up?
Where's your civic pride?
I hope he does blow up Medora,
because my life couldn't get any worse.
The next morning, while my Mom quietly plotted against Raja,
my father began to see him in a new light.
Mr. Tolchuk, may I take your plate?
Well, thank you, Raja.
He'd never seen a teenager clean before.
And he was impressed.
If you have not brushed your teeth yet,
then perhaps we can brush them together.
And we can see if a Pakistani teenager brushes differently
than an American teenager.
I think you will find we brush just the same.
I am being humorous.
- Mom? - Justin won't be going to school today,
he's feeling a little sick.
I am sorry to hear that.
I will pray for you to recover.
No matter how much I wanted to get rid of Raja,
I could not let him walk into school looking like that.
How about this?
I like it, it is mine.
But today is my first day.
I do not mean to sound prideful, but I want to make an impression.
Trust me.
Turned out Raja could be kind of stubborn.
But I had to hand it to him, he had a real sense of himself.
Thank you for driving me to school today.
You're welcome, Raja.
In fact, the only time I saw him throwing for a loop,
was when he met my sister.
Who are you?
You know that nightmare,
when you're standing in front of your whole school, naked?
That's what Raja was going through, only it was worse,
because he was wearing a shalwar khamiz.
Abu! Where is my slushee?
Class,
today I'm gonna put aside our lesson, because we have a special guest.
For one year, we will be in the presence of a real live Pakistani
who practices muslimism.
That means we have the opportunity to learn about his culture,
and he about ours.
So, let's be in a dialogue.
Raja, you are so different from us.
How does that feel?
I am not sure I understand.
Think about it.
How does everyone else feel about Raja and his differences?
Yes, Tiffany.
Well, I guess I feel angry.
Because his people blew off the buildings in New York.
Oh, that's good.
But that is not true.
In America, you have to wait until you're called on
and I'd appreciate a raised hand.
Now, who else is angry at Raja?
Sadly, this was the highlight of Raja's day.
What is wrong with the people of your high school?
They are like wolves, and so uneducated about world events.
And what is...
Fudge-Pakistan?
All day long, I am called this,
and it is very confusing for me, because fudge is so delicious,
yet they keep on laughing.
I will not lie, Justin. That brochure, very misleading.
This was the strangest thing I'd never seen in my house.
And we had a clown die in our living room.
What's going on there, Raja?
That is a...
declaration of faith called the Shahada.
It gives me strength in difficult times.
- Nice. - What prayers do you recite,
when you are upset?
I don't usually...
I don't really pray that much, usually I just, you know...
eat a brownie here.
Buy a CD.
Justin, the pan is empty.
Yeah, it's...
Rough week.
Would you like to talk about it?
Maybe I needed to vent
or maybe I was just hopped up from eating 16 brownies,
but either way, I started talking, and once I got going, I couldn't stop.
I told him my whole life story, not just what happened,
but how I really felt about things.
I mean, stuff I wouldn't even tell the guys from chorus.
Like how sometimes I'd pretend my pillow was Amy Greenblatt
and that I'd make out with it.
And he didn't smirk, or laugh, or make fun of me. Not once.
It was strange.
I always felt like an outsider and a weirdo.
And then here comes this kid from a village in Pakistan
and suddenly, I'm not an outside anymore.
Just a weirdo.
Carl, thank you for seeing us, there's been a huge mistake.
So...
- I take it you met Raja. - You knew about this?
- You said he was from London. - What could I do?
When the original host family learned that a Pakistani Muslim was coming,
they were understandably concerned.
- So, they dropped out! - Which is what I would've done.
Which is why I didn't tell you. We can go round and round about this.
I came to you because I was concerned about Justin,
now, how does this help Justin?
Franny, at this point, my hands are tied.
This thing has become a political nightmare.
I mean, the school board is involved,
not to mention the American International Exchange Program.
They are more powerful than you want to know.
You want to dance with the American International Exchange Program?
You want to dance with them? Do you?
I didn't think so.
Look, I know this has all been very upsetting.
Maybe this will help.
Here's your first check.
We're doing the right thing, Franny.
While my Dad's burning down to the bank,
my Mom shifted her concern to me.
Honey?
Raja's doing one of his 5 daily salat.
So I'm praying towards Mecca with him.
Come on, Gary, pick up...
Come on, come on...
Dammit. Justin is on the floor, praying to Mecca.
That boy's turning Justin into a Muslim, get home now.
- Mom, I really need to talk to you. - Claire, not now.
I want to go on the pill.
- What? - It's my body, it's my life.
I can't deal with this now, go to the market and pick up a chicken
and we'll talk about it later, okay?
Fine. I'm bringing Jeffrey tonight.
Wait. Who's Jeffrey?
He's part of this, I'll explain later.
It was at that point my mother decided to take matters into her own hands.
Justin, you need to come with me. Now.
Why?
Grammy's dying.
This is probably the cruelest way my mother could have tricked me.
It's just-- I can't...
I can't lose Grammy right now.
Calm down, Grammy's fine.
- What? - She's fine.
- Why were you praying with that boy? - What?
I wasn't praying.
Why would you say that about Grammy?
I tell you what you're not becoming: a Muslim.
Of course, I'm not! What are you talking about?
Raja's going home. I'm sending him home.
What? No, no!
No, Mom. I like Raja now.
This conversation is over.
And it was over.
My Mom had made up her mind.
I'd like one ticket from Chippewa Falls to Islamabad, please.
I have to say, Raja, that is a job well done.
Hey, Franny, what's all this about Grammy?
I just talked to her, she said she wasn't dying at all.
Yeah, that was a false alarm.
But I'm afraid we do have some bad news.
What's wrong?
It seems there's a problem with the exchange program's insurance,
and unfortunately, you're gonna have to go home.
We just picked up the ticket at school.
I'm sorry.
Me as well.
Come on, I'll help you pack.
Do you boys need any help in here?
Thank you, Mrs. Tolchuk, we are almost done.
I'm real sorry about this.
I understand.
But you know, in some ways, this isn't so bad, huh?
I'm sure you must be more than little homesick.
I bet your Mom will be so happy to see you.
My parents passed away, about a year ago.
I'm so sorry, that must have been awful.
It was.
It is.
It's funny how everything you think about a person can change in an instant.
For all the times my mother refered to Raja as "that boy",
she really didn't see him as one until right then.
You know, this is just silly.
If there is an insurance problem,
we'll just have to tell that exchange program
that the Tolchuks will cover it.
And if they take issue with that, they can talk to me or Gary.
That is if...
you still want to stay.
I would like that very much.
So would I.
You know, dinner that night
was one of the best meals we've had in a long time.
We stayed at that table for hours.
No one wanted to be any place else.
Raja said it reminded him of home.
I even think Claire's new boyfriend had a good time.
This was a great meal, Mrs. T, didn't it?
Thank you, Jeffrey.