Keep your wrist open and slap it.
- I got some exciting news. - I got really exciting news.
You should go first. Mine's hard to follow.
I booked a movie to shoot in our bar today... we're closed.
- What? - Hang on.
They're gonna pay us a bunch of money, and it's gonna put this place on the map.
Okay, whatever. Hey. Here it is. Look at this.
I went to the restaurant supply store today.
- It's a calendar. - No, no. It's a dry erase schedule board.
It is the last calendar you will ever buy.
That's really tough to follow, that's... Congratulations.
Here they are.
Hey. We're actors here for the movie. Do you know where the restrooms are?
Thank you.
~ www.SubCentral.de ~ presents
~ Players S01E05 ~ Cumdog Millionaire
~ Sync ~ extreme
~ Transcript ~ addic7ed.com
- Oh, my gosh! - So exciting!
Do you think Vin Diesel's in this movie? He's my favorite.
I hope Ally Sheedy's in it. She's my favorite.
I don't know who she is.
Am I the only one that didn't know there was a movie today?
Sorry. It never came up.
God, it is so inspiring to be around these actors.
I mean, they just pursue their dreams. It's amazing.
- Guys, I'm in love. - With who?
- The starlet. - Oh, Calvin.
- You didn't say anything to her. - When you know, you know.
You guys, I think that's the director over there.
I should go say hello.
Hello, Herr Director. My name's Ken Fitzgerald.
- I'm one of the managers. - I'm Dirk. Nice to meet you.
It's nice to meet you. I'm a big film fan.
But I feel that sometimes you fellas don't get the restaurant situation quite right.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, a lot of great films
with lousy restaurant scenes. Ever see "Five Easy Pieces"?
Or... don't even get me started on when "Harry met Sally".
You've got a woman making orgasmic sounds at the top of her voice...
Where is the manager?
- Well, it's a comedy, right? - Yeah, I guess.
You know, it's funny...
The two of us have very similar jobs. In a way,
I'm the director of the restaurant.
Just like you, I've got different people I have to deal with to get a job done.
- Hey, can we finish this later? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, Donny, bring camera one right here.
I mean, you've got your lighting guy, you've got your sound guy.
Me, I got my cook. I've got my bartender. I've got my waiters, you know?
Now, they have to work together, but how is that coordinated?
- Through me... the director. - Right.
Then you got your scheduling...
I just had a Fitzgerald brainstorm.
I have a brand-new, state-of-the-art dry erase board
which I think would be a fantastic set decoration.
Yeah, yeah. Sure.
This is an opportunity, my friend,
to get a restaurant on film the way it really is.
- I'm gonna have fun working with you. - Yeah, that's great, great, great.
♪ I'm gonna have my dry erase board in the movie ♪
- Congratulations. - Yeah, right?
Anybody see the director?
- You look so gorgeous. - Krista...
- Really classy. - Thanks.
Krista, she's probably getting into character right now. I'm sorry.
- Is this your first movie? - Yeah. It's really exciting.
I don't mean to interrupt your process. I'm sure you're preparing right now.
But I just want to say that I really respect what you do.
- That's nice. - That's all.
I love how heavy her makeup is.
They have to wear a lot of makeup so that the camera reads it.
- That makes sense. - Yeah. I know the tricks of the trade.
Hey, I didn't know you guys were in here.
Hey, Calvin. We'll just leave you alone in here.
Yeah. He's a great guy.
Great.
Hey, come back after Lacey's first scene. I'll do your makeup.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- So, hey, Lacey, guess what. - What?
One time when I was eight years old, I was digging through my neighbor's garbage
for aerosol cans to blow up...
and I found this magazine with musclemen in it.
And I was like, "Oh, wow, that's awesome."
'Cause I didn't even know other boys thought about their muscles and their bodies
as much as I thought about my muscles and my body.
And it made my stomach feel... funny.
And you make my stomach feel like that.
Okay. Thanks.
You're welcome.
I guess I'll see you... around.
Okay, so you're both working-class folks, you know,
and keep in mind that the economy's bad and it's a big city
and it's a lonely place.
- Exciting, huh? - So cool!
And Skip, you're a construction worker,
and you're coming into the bar as a refuge, you know, from the outside world.
And you're getting refuge from your world in your work.
And now, you're both here for each other.
- I talked to Lacey. - No way!
Yeah. It's going pretty well. We're pretty much in love now.
- Congratulations. - Thanks, man.
I was thinking you might need to incorporate what's actually happening,
so maybe I'm doing some sort of green infrastructure thing,
like building a light rail system or a sun farm or something?
- That's really cool. Yeah, yeah. - You guys have no idea.
There is a huge table there full of free food.
Like good stuff, like gummy worms and toaster cakes.
They even have free water!
Hey, guys, I got some super-exciting news.
I got my dry erase board in the movie.
We are finally gonna have a little authenticity brought to a restaurant scene.
All right, guys, let's go. Let's do it.
Donny, let's slate.
Oh, my God!
Action.
- Welcome. How are you doing today? - I've got quite an appetite,
but I don't see what I want on the menu.
Do you see anything in front of you that you like?
- Dialogue's a little stiff. - Yeah, a little bit.
- That's good. - Oh, it's a love story.
- Do you wanna try some? - I'd love to.
Great.
That would definitely never happen in a restaurant!
I was thinking about eating out tonight.
Well, come right in. Restaurant's open.
It's been a long time since I've had a home-cooked meal.
You don't even need your utensils.
Lacey, it's an all-you-can-eat buffet.
- All-you-can-eat buffet right here. - This is delicious.
He's really good at that, huh?
I can't believe you booked a pornographic film into our bar!
Ken, I didn't know it was a porn movie. I thought it was a real movie. Sorry.
It's disgusting. There's gonna be people having sex in there.
It's gotta be a health code violation. All those bodily fluids!
It's not all bad. They have great snacks.
- I hate this stupid movie. - I want them out of here.
Give them their money back and send them on their way.
I can't. I spent the money on this awesome pinball game, "Lizard Island".
But I talked to the director. He's gonna be cool.
I got him to make some concessions, all right?
He promised no sex in the kitchen, he's not gonna do any money shots
by our bar glasses or barware, and he said no sodomy.
- Absolutely no sodomy! - He said no sodomy!
- That is a hard rule! - No sodomy!
- Zero sodomy, Ken. - That means none!
- None! - Guys, what's sodomy?
It comes from the Bible, the city of Sodom. But technically,
it does mean any deviant sex act like
- anal sex, oral sex, or bestiality. - Or it could be armpit sex.
- Yeah, that would fall under deviant. - Boob sex.
- Golden showers. - Footing.
- Toeing. - Upside down cowgirl.
- Fididio.- - Cleveland steamer.
- Jerry maguire. - The Murphy brown.
- Blumpkin and Murphy brown blumpkin. - The Sam waterston.
- Sassy barista. - The Jane Austen.
- The creme de Menthe Abdul-Jabbar. - Oh, yeah.
- Pac-man Jones. - Eggs Danny Thomas style.
- Crusty party hat. - Blind liberace.
- The bearded pirate. - Bearded pirate. And moustache pirate.
Okay, you guys, it's just butt sex.
Sodomy is sex inside of your butts.
I can't believe we're all sitting around talking about this.
There are actors outside about to ruin their lives.
I'm gonna do something about this.
- Hey, Barb. - 'Scuse me, Hickey.
Hey. They're shooting a skin flick out there.
I know.
Yeah, they gave me this great smelly soap.
- No, that's not soap. - What?
It's lubricant. You don't know where that's been. Don't touch that.
Smells good.
You do not have to stay in a bad situation.
I mean, look at me. I was in a terrible marriage for many years
to a horrible man. And now, that's all changed.
So you're not married to him anymore?
Well, legally, I am still married to him.
But I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man.
He's actually... You may have seen him. He's my boss Bruce.
I do still live with my husband.
But that's only temporary. It does get tricky because
we can't stay at Bruce's apartment at night 'cause it's filthy.
You'd be shocked. It's horrible.
He says that it was a dog, but I know...
I saw a raccoon running through the house.
So you live with your husband, who you hate,
while you're sleeping with your boss who has hygiene problems.
Comparatively, things are a lot better.
Hi, excuse me, ladies.
Hey, Lace, refresh my memory for the money shot.
Boobs, back, or face?
- Face, I guess. - Okay, cool.
- Get a bonus for that. - Nice. I just prefer it.
Lacey, you don't have to do that.
You can do anything you want to do.
No, I can't. I can't gangbang. It would bum out my parents.
The porn name game. You take the name of your first pet
and the first street that you grew up on. Mine would be Shakespeare St. Nicholas.
- That's perfect. - Porn names are stupid.
- What's the matter with you today? - Can't love Lacey.
She's a porn star.
What's that got to do with anything, Calvin?
She puts tons of *** in her mouth.
Sometimes she puts tons of *** in her mouth at the same time.
So what? Hey, how 'bout if the woman you were in love with
was married to Jesus Christ... How would you feel?
- Scared. - I'm talking about my first wife.
She was a nun in a convent when I met her, and I thought...
I can't do this, this is insurmountable. But you know what?
- Love conquers everything. - I do really love her a lot.
You need to suck it up, get over yourself, go in there, and get that!
Yeah. Love conquers all.
- Hey, Lacey. - Hey.
- Can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah, sure.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I just need to numb it down a bit.
So I've been thinking, and...
if somebody loved you and then they didn't love you,
just 'cause you put *** in your mouth all the time,
then that guy would be a pretty big jerk.
Yeah.
'Cause love conquers all.
It does.
I'm going to the bar right now.
Yes! They just gave me a free makeover. I didn't even have to ask.
- What do you think? - Good!
I think I look elegant.
- Hey, Krista, we don't have your porn name. - What do you mean?
The name of your first pet and the first street you lived on. Your porn name.
I'm... Trixie... Honeydew!
Oh, that's a good one. That's the best yet.
I've got another stipulation. I don't want them having sex on my desk.
- Does that go for us too? - Yes.
Ken, have you played the porn name game yet?
- What's that? - You take your first pet's name
and the first street, and that's your porn name.
I'm Rock Hardwood.
- I'd be the same as you then. - No, you wouldn't, actually.
Rock died after you were born, and we got a pet hamster.
- You mean Tiny? - Yeah.
- And then we moved out by the coal mines. - To Shaft Avenue.
So your porn name is Tiny Shaft.
Stupid game.
Can I get Thursday off, Tiny Shaft?
Oh, yeah. That'll work. Okay, go ahead and put this on.
- They're filming your scene next, okay? - No, no, I'm not...
Excuse me...
She thinks I'm a porn actress!
I would never have sex for money... never!
I mean, yeah, one time I did it to get a ride to Daytona, but...Spring break!
Couple times so that I could get a week at this timeshare in Scottsdale.
You know, it's Scottsdale. It's like the Paris of Arizona!
- You're on in five, champ. - Awesome.
- Hey, can I talk to you for a second? - Sure!
Jeez. I forget that I had this on.
- How are ya? - Good! I was sitting over there,
- wondering to myself... - Let me stop you.
I can't have sex with you. I'm sorry. I'm flattered...
But we have a policy of not banging the locals.
I get it. That's okay, actually. I was wondering if...
- you have a five-year-plan. - Sure. Yeah. I do, actually.
I wanna get my own website. I wanna get a mold of my *** made
so that I can have my own line of sex toys. And...
eventually, I would love to direct. But that's a ways off.
Don't you wanna...
watch your kids run down the stairs on Christmas morning or
sit in bed with your wife on Sunday and read the New York Times
- drinking coffee and... - I can't drink coffee.
I've ravaged my capillaries from too much Viagra, so...
You can be anything that you want to be.
That's what I love about this. I'm, you know, I was a cowboy before.
A construction worker. A doctor.
I've done one where I was an alien. This is a... I'm a...
You know, little sex guy here.
You could really be, not just play,
but really be whoever you want to be.
You could be a teacher shaping young minds.
No, they background check for that, I can't... Can't do that.
You could be a paramedic, saving people's lives.
Listen, I have a good life. I appreciate what you're saying.
But, you know, life takes you where it takes you, and you just...
- You just accept it. - Let me ask you this, Skipper.
When you were a little boy, what did you dream of becoming?
Well...
When I was really little, I used to have this...
- stupid daydream about... - Say it.
Well, I wanted to be a guy that does science.
A guy that does science.
You can still be that.
- No. - Absolutely!
What do you mean, just go to school and...
Yeah! Take the steps!
- I'm gonna do it! - Skipper, do it!
I'm gonna do it. Thank you. Thank you. Can I tell you something, though?
I have to tell you... my name is not Skipper Sunnyside.
- It's Al di Bianco. - Al di Bianco.
- Thank you. Thank you. - Get outta here, Al!
Hey, hey. where'd Skipper go?
I don't know a Skipper.
I do know that Al di Bianco has left.
He has gone to become a guy who does science.
Damn it!
All right, everybody, new deal. Get on the phone. We need a new boner!
Listen, I know you guys think I'm like Batman...
Or like Spider-Man and Wolverine put together.
But I gotta admit, man, I'm like really nervous, and I don't know if I can do this.
You can and have to do this, okay?
- You love this woman? - Absolutely.
Then you have to step into her world.
That's what I did with my first wife, the nun.
I joined a seminary for six months. I don't believe in God.
But I stayed there until she fell in love with me
and agreed to marry me, and then together,
we left the church and started a life.
- That's beautiful. - You can do that!
What happened?
Well...
The convent had a really strict diet,
and when she got out, she discovered junk food and just...
Just pigged out on it. I mean, like an animal.
- I'm sorry, man. - But you know what?
For those six months that she was still attractive,
I was the happiest I ever was in my entire life.
Really?
You can't miss this opportunity, Calvin. Go for it!
- Make it happen. - Thanks, Bruce.
- You can do this! - Yeah, I can do this.
- Give 'em hell! - Yeah!
Go get 'em, champ.
Bruce, I take back everything I said.
Pornography's the best thing that ever happened to me.
- What? - I have a calling.
My story inspires people to change their lives.
Skipper Sunnyside is no longer doing porn.
What's Calvin doing on the set?
Calvin took Skipper Sunnyside's place in this skin flick.
I'll have your robe and mouthwash off to the side, okay?
Great.
So, did you take Viagra?
- No. - Okay.
So, Lacey...
Lacey, I have something I need to tell you.
So, it's hard to say, so I'm just gonna say it.
I love you.
I'm in love with you,
and it feels great to say it.
That's sweet.
Did you want to say anything to me?
Yeah. Once you put your penis inside me, wherever it goes,
don't kiss me on the lips, and don't look me directly in the eye.
It's too intimate. Only my husband and I can do that.
Awesome.
Goddamn it. Now what?
All right, I'm gonna step in again.
Get my oil...
and get my razor.
All right, quiet on the set! We're trying to make the movie here.
Roll cameras. Let's get a slate here, Donny.
Let's get outta here. Let's do this in one take, okay?
My mother's throwing a barbecue later.
So what would yours be, Barb?
I guess it's Rapunzel Gulch.
I've never seen anybody cry that hard before.
I didn't think he was that sensitive.
I still can't believe you told him to pursue a porn actress.
The heart wants what the heart wants, Ken.
- What's wrong? - Calvin is very, very upset.
He'll be fine. He's young, okay?
He's just a little upset, a little brokenhearted.
- It tastes good. - Wait a minute!
That's sodomy! No! You promised! No!
- I'm so hungry! - Oh, yeah.
- Stop, stop, stop! - Oh, yeah...
- Hey! - You promised no sodomy!
That's it! You're outta here!
That's good.
- You got good energy there, man. - What are you talking about?
- I like that fire! - I'm angry!
Yeah, I know. It's good acting. Right?
I don't know.
Remember what you were saying last night?
Like about how there's no reality in restaurant scenes?
Well, this is a restaurant scene and you're like being real.
We need a manager in the scene, and
who better to play it than the manager?
- Really? - Yeah.
You really want me to be in the movie.
I think the movie needs it.
Okay, sweetheart, so you know, just follow my lead.
All right. And...
action.
Welcome. Can I take your order?
- What's today's special? - Sausages with cherry pie.
I think I'll have that. Here we go.
Oh, I'll bark for you, baby.
You... This is a restaurant. You can't perform sodomy here.
They need a goon.
They need somebody to protect the forwards. They're not doing it.
Look what came in the mail today. My acting debut.
Go to the end. They said I'm in the end.
"Cumdog Millionaire."
- Oh, I'll bark like an animal. - Oh, yeah...
'Scuse me. You guys mind if I watch and masturbate?
- What happened to my line? - Yeah, it kinda sounds like your voice, Bruce.
The sound guy asked me to do a line. I didn't know he was gonna put it over yours.
Oh, yeah? I can do whatever I want.
I'm a Cumdog Millionaire.
You're fired.
Okay, baby, let's go.
Featuring Ken "Tiny Shaft" Fitzgerald as assistant manager.
- Who gave them that name? - It is your porn name, Ken.