Ow! You're hurting me!
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Stop.
Come on. You know what you're doing is wrong.
If you're going to pick on a nerd,
you got to have some flair.
How about you send those dirty glasses to the car wash?
Hot wax.
Next customer.
Ennis, what the [Bleep]?
Aah! Larry.
Please tell me you stole those from a nerd.
No. I'm wearing my glasses today
because Willard keeps taking my contact lenses.
He uses them as swimming pools for his flea circus.
Get out of the water, Myrtle. You're starting to prune.
I'm sorry, Larry. It's just that--
Ennis. Hey!
Do you have a problem with people who wear glasses?
Well, I think it's tied in with my problem with nerds.
Do you want to hear about my nerd problem?
No thanks-- I guess it all started
when I was a child growing up in algebra acres,
a suburb of the quaint little flashbacky town of Los Alamos,
the home of America's atomic weapons program.
It was a town made up mostly of scientists and physicists
and other such nerdlings.
Except for my family, the Hofftards.
I was the high school football team.
Face mask! What?
15 yards!
I barely touched myself!
Come on, doesn't anyone want to play with me?
Or against me? Boo!
Go home, jock! Go kiss a girl.
I'm going to invent TiVo!
You stud.
They mocked me and said things like
how I must be a horse in the sack,
and "Ennis, Ennis,
with a giant pennis."
Kids can be so cruel.
Wow. I had no idea that you, um--
Shut up, nerd.
Ennis! Larry!
Oh, damn. I am so sorry.
I will just-- let me get a piece of tape,
and there you go.
And keep in mind that
if you can't even keep
your glasses from breaking,
well, then, maybe you ought to get Lasik, nerd.
Ennis! Larry!
Oh, yeah. I don't think I can fix those.
Sack up and get Lasik.
He's right. You should sack up and get Lasik.
No one likes you in glasses. It's gross.
Besides, if you go back to contacts,
Willard's going to keep on stealing them.
You're Myrtle's agent, and she demands a bigger pool?
Circus fleas.
And if you put on the glasses,
I'm just going to smack them off your nerd face.
So, Lasik. Well, maybe I--
Larry! Hey, you better watch out.
This place is crawling with nerds.
Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
This, as you know,
is a standardized test.
If our kids don't do well on this,
we're going to lose funding
and the very special status
we worked so hard to regain last year.
What status was that?
A school that can stay open.
Now, we're definitely going to have to get
these students to pass their test,
or we'll lose everything,
and unfortunately, Mr. Bremmer,
who teaches the students that they are the key to all of this,
had to take the day off.
He did? What for?
Didn't you hear?
He wanted to have a good-bye with his dying mother.
Good-bye.
My God.
I have no mother now.
Well, that was a lot of laughs.
I know. That was a bummer.
I thought good-bye was going to be, like,
a bisexual thing.
Oh, you think everything's bisexual.
It's not a joke, you guys. It's really sad.
Well, then, it belongs in a friggin' episode of house.
Anyway, Mr. Bremmer teaches a group of students that need to do well,
so Ennis will be in charge of inspiring them.
Ennis? But that's me.
No, no, no. I don't inspire.
You're confusing me with Corey Haim's portrayal of Lucas.
Well, if Ennis doesn't want to do it, I'll do it, Sue.
You can call me your calculator because you can count on me.
I wore that on a t-shirt every day from age 6 till the dog attack.
Stuart, you can't work with these kids.
We all know how gullible you are.
I may be many things here,
including clinically insane,
but I am not gullible, and I resent your--
Hello, what's this?
I just received an electronic mail, or electronic "m,"
from the prince of scambabwe.
He needs my $5,000 to help him regain his throne
so he can begin his search for a virgin bride.
Stuart, you cannot believe this is real.
I'm sure the fine people at Spam
wouldn't have chosen this for their folder if it wasn't legit.
And thanks again for proving my point.
Ennis, you're on inspiration duty.
Oh, but I don't want to inspire Mr. Bremmer's class!
What about my own class?
Can't I not inspire them?
Don't worry about your class. We inflated the substitute.
Oh, the inflatable jiggly-armed beckoner from the tire store.
Wait, David is here?
God, he's so sexy in that "open Sundays" shirt.
Oh, please, Sue, let me help out David.
Sorry, Helen. Last time I let you do that,
we had to get a substitute for the substitute.
You mean Tom, that hot hunk of steel?
No. This time I have a very special assignment for you.
How's the special assignment coming?
You said removing this asbestos
would make me feel better.
Oh, yes. I didn't finish.
I meant feel better about never having kids.
Besides, what happened to
that hazmat suit I sent over?
Uh, I--uh, I lost it.
Oh, you're all hands, mat.
Hey, I guess this is what the students call
making love.
Ok. I'm sorry.
I fell for mat.
He was just like David,
before David started getting high and out of control.
Mmm.
David, you're going limp.
Oh, don't worry. I can help you.
No, David. Don't be mad.
It happens to all guys, baby!
I can change!
So, clearly, you see why I've chosen you.
Oh, yeah. Least to live for. That's me.
Still, why can't Ennis do it?
Because I'm assigning him to work with the special kids.
You mean the slow ones?
No. We rented the slow ones out
to do a movie with Cuba Gooding Jr.
No, these special students are the super smart ones.
The nerds in that trailer account
for 90% of this school's test scores,
so I'll be using Ennis as a reverse motivational tool,
an example of what they must never turn into--
sort of a "scared smart" program.
I just hope he isn't intimidated by these smart kids.
I've always known I'm incapable of inspiring anyone,
so I became a teacher.
Hello, special ed class?
These are the slow kids.
They can't tell the difference
between inspiration and perspiration.
Oh, man. I'm inspiring something bad today.
I'm smiling. This is a smile.
I'm not going to eat you.
My name is Ennis Hofftard.
Can you tell me your names?
Uh, my name is Galileo, and I love dodecahedrons.
Oh, God. They don't even know what a name is.
Ok. I need to come up with one special for all of them
so that no one will ever be confused,
a name they can't make fun of.
Well, my name is Ennis Hofftard, so maybe the Hoffs.
No, that makes me think of leotards,
and that's what homosexuals wear,
and that's offensive to homosexuals, because no, they don't.
Well, they're in special ed,
so there must be a way to condense...
Known as the Hoff-wits!
No, that's offensive to Hoffbraus,
and God knows the Germans have been abused long enough.
And you shall be called the speds.
I love you, speds.
So, prince, after I wire $5,000,
how do I get my reward?
Ok, I'll meet you on your yacht off of--
Stuart, hang up. It's a scam.
Uh, I have to put the phone down.
I'm dealing with a real bad case of the old diaroo.
Ohh.
Where are your manners?
I'm talking to a prince!
Look, as an older American,
I'm the target of every scam, deception,
and pennis enlargement trick in the book.
Take it from me-- they never work.
I mean, if something smells fishy, it is fishy.
Especially those fish by mail scams.
I should have known that you can't get scrod at perch prices.
Look, if I was really making a mistake, Larry would warn me.
He always comes through.
Hey, no-glasses! Get some glasses!
Hey, walkin' man! Walk somewheres else!
How many tokens?
Ooh, actually, I'm here about the eye surgery.
Oh, yeah. We do that, too.
Let's say 20 tokens.
Well, actually,
I'm not sure I'm ready to go through with it,
but contacts are expensive, and I'm a teacher, so...
Fine. So 17 tokens. Is it safe?
Couldn't serve a pizza if it wasn't.
All right, teachers. Start your exams!
"Everyone, write your names at the top of..."
"The page, and completely fill in the dots..."
"Or your response will not be counted by the..."
♪ Go was his name-o ♪
ye! All right, my little speds.
It's time for the test.
Be sure to use a number 2 pencil.
Number 2. You know that's another way of talking about poop.
It's a little advanced for you guys.
I'm kind of working on a Rob Schneider level here.
Hey, you know what? Just do the best you can,
and afterwards, we'll go for ice cream.
Ice cream gives me a brain freeze.
They told you it was the ice cream, huh?
They always told me it was because
my goldfish and I once had
a "who can survive in each other's environment longest" contest.
But you know what? You can have it all in life
if you just do one thing--
don't ever let nobody tell you what you can or can't not
can don't or do or breathe.
That makes no sense.
Of course it doesn't, to you.
You know, I was in a class like yours when I was a kid.
And you ended up being a teacher?
We got to do better on this test.
Wow. I can't believe I'm inspiring you already.
Maybe someday, someone will make
an inspirational movie about me.
Together, they had an IQ of 20,
but the heart of 100.
Speds: The Ennis Hofftard story,
starring Christian Bale,
or if it's made for TV, Tim Daly.
Ok, happy. Helen has piled up
that trailer in the parking lot with asbestos.
Haul that flame retardant down to the trash barge.
Do you understand?
Yes, I don't.
Mm-hmm.
Ennis, where is trailer
of flaming tardant?
Flaming tardant?
Hey, the kids in that trailer may be slow,
but they're not gay.
No catch fire?
No, that's just a rumor. They can burn just like you and me.
They're not magical, except maybe in the size of their hearts.
And their pennises, maybe.
Dumps in ocean?
No, they use the big boy potty, just like everyone--
well, except for your people,
which is why they call it the dead sea.
Asbestos! Cancer?
Exactly. They're doing as best as they can, sir.
Ahh.
Hey, that's a good title.
As best as they can, sir.
You know what? Christian Bale.
This is a Michael Cera.
Ok, precious speds.
Who's ready for a little inspiration?
Oh, no.
My precious speds have been powderized!
No, my speds would taste sweeter than this.
This is asbestos.
Oh, so that's what happy was talking about.
God, that would be funny if it didn't mean
happy was hauling a trailer full of my speds to the dump.
Wait a minute. This is Florida.
We dump our trash in the harbor.
My one chance at inspiring students,
and they'll end up on the bottom of the harbor!
Deutschebog! Huh? Damn it.
Norma shearer was just about to take down her Bobby pins.
I need your help, my tumescent old friend.
We've got some students to rescue.
But who will monitor my students?
It's OK. You can go ahead. We won't cheat.
Come on.
A-4. B-3. C-1.
Ennis is trying to stop happy
from heading to the harbor with a trailer full of nerds.
But Ennis hates nerds like I hate
the 3 bad episodes of sex in the city.
No, 2. Well, really one.
Oh, who am I kidding? I love 'em all.
The only hope we had for scoring well on the standardized test
is inside that missing trailer!
We need to get it back.
Andrew, Helen, and Stuart, you go find Larry.
He's the only faculty member with a lick of common sense.
And in the meantime, miracle, you're the science teacher.
Just in case that classroom is dumped into the ocean
and we lose all those young tests--
I mean students--
I need you to take 15 tests and do them perfectly.
Oh, no. I can't. I'm not--I don't--
I don't-- I can't take tests.
I kind of panic when it's a pass/fail situation.
Plus, I'm a mother now, and my whole focus is on merch.
Where is Larry?
I'm ready for my laser eye surgery,
and I earned 800 tickets from skee-ball
for that bottle of saline solution.
Fantastic. Now, Larry,
just sit still and keep your eyes open.
Try and relax.
Ok, kids, aim for the retinas.
Blast those suckers!
Run, run, Larry. Makes it more fun for the kids.
Excuse me, old timey,
have you seen a trailer full of mental deficients go by?
This is Florida.
You're going to have to narrow it down some.
Oh, you'll be so happy you had the laser eye surgery.
Within a couple of hours,
your vision will either be perfect,
or, as our motto says, it won't.
Thanks again, and here's our state-of-the-art recovery room
for you to enjoy. Feel free to mingle.
How long did it take you before you could go swimming?
There! There he is!
Talking to that really cute parking meter!
Stuart, get him in the car.
Larry, we got to find happy.
He's planning on dropping some students into the harbor.
Sure, I'd happily--
sorry. It was either knock him out
or risk that his willingness to get in the car
was just a fake-out that would leave me
looking gullible yet again--
although, call me a dreamer,
but I still think there's a chance
that scambabwean prince will show up.
I'm sorry, when did you get a GU--
anybody else see a gun?
Mmm...
Lotte Lenya's leggings!
There's the trailer!
If anything happens to those kids,
I'll never be able to forgive yourself!
I've got to move faster than you drive!
I'm coming for you, my precious speds!
He must be a horse in the sack.
Guys, you got to get better at telling me
when I'm going to trip over something.
Stop that crane!
No, not the red-belly, endangered one,
I'm talking about the man
who's controlling that one.
Stop him!
We need your help!
There are students in that trailer!
Oh, perfect. I'm ready for my break any--aah!
Let me guess-- Stuart just cold-cocked the crane operator?
Wow. I haven't seen this many cold cocks since--
sorry. Censored out.
Stuart, we needed him to stop the crane.
You know, you're making it very hard for me
to be the guy that always comes through.
These raisin brains taught my raisin heart how to love again.
Well, I just hope that I have the raisins
to raisin in myself up to save them.
Man! I could go for some raisins.
I mean, the real types of raisins.
I can't think about that now!
Ennis is here now.
No need to panic and start running around in circles.
Shh! Silence!
Oh, you're all too focused on your tests?
Well--wait.
I thought you all had famously tiny attention spans
and were easily distracted by shiny objects,
like the reflection off my watch.
Where'd you go?
There it is.
I thought you'd be distracted by--
where'd you go? There it is.
This does that. This doesn't interest you?
A squared minus b squared equals a plus b times a minus b.
Wait, how does my little rocking guy
know his alphabet like that?
Oh, man. They look like special little guys,
but they also kind of look like...
That kid's not playing with himself.
He's just priming his inhaler!
That's not big bird,
that's Einstein!
Uh-oh! I'm getting queasy knees!
You're not special like Cuba's kids.
You're special like...Nerds!
I have to do something.
Did I do it? Did I save them?
No!
There it is. Where'd you go?
Ohh!
I hit the wrong button, didn't I?
Trailer full of kids got dropped in the water, right?
Am I all alone in here?
No. I've been here the whole time.
I just thought I should let you make your own mistakes.
Nope. Not me. You can do it.
Don't you give up on me, briefly blind Larry.
Damn it. I can't open the door.
It's being held shut by all the rapidly rising fish air.
Don't panic. Stay small, Ennis.
Tight like a pill bug.
Think pleasant thoughts.
Hey, little guy. What's your name?
I'll call you whiskers.
Forget my [Bleep] Name, man!
They're going to destroy you!
They're just toying with you
like a friggin' mouse on a string!
Hey, you couldn't hook me up with a mouse on a string, could you?
Or at least get that reflection on the wall back?
There it is. Where'd you go?
I've got to get out on that trailer.
How far away is it?
Couple steps. Pretty close, actually.
Really, yeah, just thinking just the one.
It is. It's just the one.
Oh, no. Who do you think I am, Stuart?
Oh, like I'd go along with anything?
Well, it's a lot more than one. Let's count it.
One!
This Stuart, he's not coming, prince.
But he wired me the money.
Have I been scammed? Oh, I'm so gullible.
It was 2.
Your royal highness? You really came?
It's me, Stuart!
I guess I'm not so gullible after all.
Are you OK from that fall?
Oh, don't worry, I had a red pen in my pocket.
It must have kabobed my liver or something.
Larry, where the hell are you?
I'll never make it out of here alive.
Well, actually, by my calculations,
this trailer is surprisingly buoyant.
We should be fine.
Damn it. I've got to come through.
Larry! He always comes through.
We're in danger!
So, how would you like your $5 million reward?
In gold?
In diamonds?
In virgins?
Or door number 4?
Virgins! Gold! Diamonds!
Get medical attention immediately!
Door number 4!
Well, I suppose I should take the money,
because, as you can see, I'm swimming in red ink,
but I guess the only non-gullible choice is door number 4.
You can always use an extra door
and some free question marks.
Oh, you don't get the door.
You get what is behind it.
Oh, my God!
My own creaky, crazy, kooky crappy craft! Yeah!
I can't do it, Sue.
I can't do all these tests, OK?
I'm dumb. They always told me I was dumb!
Hey, don't ever let anybody tell you
you can't do something, girl.
Great! Can I go, then?
No, you can't do that. What a dumb question.
No. I got a boat,
but the trailer's taking on water.
You're going to lose your smartest kids
and your dumbest teachers.
Think you have time to get them all out?
I don't know. There's 12 students,
and I'm on a lousy dinghy that's leaking
with a pair of joke water skis and an assistant principal
who is also leaking.
I don't think there's any way
we can get all the kids and Ennis out in time.
Nerds, what do you think?
Can you figure out a way to get us all off?
Got it! No, we can't.
D'oh!
Oh, boy. Here we go.
Hey. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no.
I realized the second I said it.
Won't happen again.
D'oh? Wait, that's it!
A dodecahedron!
A 12-sided structure that disperses its weight evenly
and can, therefore, be carried by one strong man.
But he'd have to be really strong,
like one of those horse in the sack guys.
Here, looky. See? I gave him a tail.
A dodecahedron?
Of course! It could work!
But we'd need you, Mr. Hofftard.
We'd need your invaluable brawn.
Wow. So I have inspired you.
Somebody finally likes me for my brawn.
Nerds, hold together!
It's working!
Mmm. The old mannequin in the sea.
Nothing can go wrong now.
What can I say? I've got a type.
I did it. I inspired those kids.
Those nerds are going to go farther than they ever dreamt.
Yeah, I'm thinking Haiti,
maybe, with the tides and wind.
You know what? I don't care if we do get sued.
D'oh!