- We gotta go. - Why?
'Cause we're late and Ron is gonna freak out.
So what?
So I'm not the one who made him team leader.
You're the one who made him team leader.
Yeah, with good reason... so he could take all the responsibility
and I can focus on other things.
I like that.
I like a man who doesn't feel the need to be in control at all.
- I wouldn't read too much into it. - No, I am.
You're kind of the lady and I'm kind of the man.
The lady?
- You're kind of the lady. - Ow.
- I'm kind of the man. - Good Lord.
Really?
Lady, quiet.
What don't you understand? It's crystal clear.
Ron Donald Dos, okay? The four Ps and one B...
politeness, professionalism, perfectionism,
proactive, be on time.
I have a proactive suggestion.
No, you know what? I think we get the system.
Okay, then what don't you understand, Kyle?
- What are you doing? Don't do that. - Punctuality.
- What? No, don't do that. - Now it's five Ps.
No, I already have four Ps. That's an RDD.
- That's a Ron Donald Do? - No, a Ron Donald Don't.
- Failure to... - This is so confusing, Ron.
You know what I don't get? Who says you get to be boss?
I do. As boss, I have that authority.
- You can't do that. - Yeah, I can, and I did.
Okay well, hey guys, guess what... I'm the boss now.
You can't do that because you're not the boss.
Can I finish, please? Three RDDs... I dock your pay.
- You can't do that, Ron. - Yeah, Ron.
Yes, I can too. And Roman, that's an RDD.
A Do? This is the dumbest fucking strategy for productivity.
- Henry, is Ron really the boss? - Yeah, Ron's in charge, everybody.
See? Not that what he says matters.
Hey, sorry I'm late, everybody.
I wanted to get my hair done for tonight.
Example... Lydia, RDD.
- What's that? - Ron Donald Don't.
Ron hates your hair.
What?
Oh, no no.
No. Henry.
You're in charge.
Sweetheart, a real Hollywood party, finally.
Everyone's in the business. It's so hip.
So she says yes, but then right before the wedding
the doctor's like, "Bad news. It's cancer. "
Somebody's pitching a movie right beside me.
It's not a movie. This is my life.
I'm fucking dying.
Excuse me, waiter,
I dropped something.
Roman, long time no see.
You gotta be shitting me. Munt.
I'd ask how it's going, but I think this speaks for itself.
Have I told you about my old writing partner
who fired me for being a hack and a sellout
who knows nothing about hard sci-fi?
You are a hack and a sellout who knows nothing about hard sci-fi.
Yeah, that's why I'm throwing this fucking party
to celebrate a huge spec sale of my sci-fi script.
I think I know 1.5 million times more about sci-fi
than you do, loser.
Read paragraph two.
They're making "Axiomeleon" into a movie?
What idiot would hire you to adapt a genius book like that?
Actually, the author... AF Gordon Theodore.
Perhaps you've heard of him.
AF, are you having a good time?
A Calvados, two lovely companions in conversation...
I'm in the seat named for the proverbial catbird.
Well, if you need anything, let me know
and this young man will fetch it for you.
Game, set, match...
Joel Munt.
Now get some champagne.
Yeah, Danielle, it's going great.
The new system is really helping discipline.
RDDs.
Do and Don'ts.
Yeah, maybe you should tell your dad about it.
Hey, how's it going, team leader?
I gotta go.
How is it going? Good. Oh good, you know.
Lots of angles, problem-solving, you know...
do I take a man out, get backup glasses
or do I risk running low? Things like that.
Well, would you like my advice
just as like a former team leader talking shop?
- Just like talking shop? - Yeah.
Sure.
I would go get the glasses.
Henry, get glasses. I'll cover the bar.
Yes, sir.
I mean, it's simple.
- Feels good. - Yeah.
Oh, fun party, huh?
Well, wouldn't you know it?
I came in here to powder my nose and I can't even find the stuff.
Oh, well, thank you very much.
Oh man, it is like producers galore.
I am networking like a motherfucker.
Oh, and the host asked me for some champagne or whatever.
What, are you leaving? RDD.
Our host, my old writing partner,
hired us just so he can fucking humiliate me.
So I'm glad you're having a good time kissing ass,
but I'm not hanging around all night so I can be a fucking revenge pinata.
Whoa whoa whoa, man. You can't retreat.
You gotta strike back.
Revenge is a dish best served.
Shakespeare. You know, like waiters and serving.
Revenge? Don't do it. That's in the Bible.
Although we're only human. I know I am, right?
One time I got revenge on someone
by putting tuna fish in the AC vents of her car.
But then we ended up carpooling. What?
So you'd better be careful because sometimes revenge backfires
and you end up with a fish smell.
My mouth is dry.
Oh, I think my contacts just popped out.
Where did you go, Mr. Contacts?
- Lydia, are you okay? - Okay? I'm great!
I've always wanted to be at a big Hollywood party, and now I am.
Whoo! Good luck with your revenge.
Right.
- Oh my God. - Whoa.
All right, let's think about this.
He's here with all his fucking fake friends.
What's at stake is his image.
- Wait, what are you doing? - I'm trying to think of a good revenge.
Oh, dude, piss in his champagne.
See? This is awesome... no responsibilities.
That's good. That's really good.
- What? - Shit.
- What? - I don't have my keys.
- Okay, where are they? - I think they were in my coat.
- Okay, where's your coat? - In the van.
- Oh God. - Um, okay.
So no supply closet? Nothing in there?
- No no, that supply closet... I can't. - Okay.
- It's fine. I'll call AAA. - No no no, that'll take forever.
Uh okay, older model, side locks.
I could pop the lock.
I'll pop the lock.
What? You'll pop the...? What, is this "The Outsiders"?
Hey, I learned a few tricks on the mean streets of Wisconsin, Casey.
- Okay. - So leave it to me, all right?
Just hurry up.
- Bro, come on, hurry up. - I can't go if you're talking.
I'm not talking. I'm just standing here.
I can hear you breathing and shifting around and stuff.
Turn on the tap.
And stop watching me. I can see it out of my peripheral vision.
Fuck.
I can't go. Just you do it.
No, you know what? It's your revenge, okay?
- It's gotta be your piss. - Just go, please.
Shit, I have to do everything.
Fucking Hollywood...
they take a masterpiece from an intellectual titan
and hand it over to a fucking hack.
What's the hold-up?
I just went, like, 10 minutes ago. Give me a break.
A fucking disaster.
No, I learned this in yoga class...
I just need to sink into myself,
find it. Mm.
They teach you how to control your pee in yoga?
Everything. In the right state of mind I can control every organ.
Om.
Kyle, what are you doing?
- I'm trying to piss in this glass. - Don't break his yoga state.
No no, that's an RDD. Are you insane?
Fuck. Forget it. You know what? It's broken.
Fuck. Ron.
We need your urine.
Absolutely not. I'm team leader.
So be there for the team, right?
The host hired us just to fuck with Roman.
It's payback. He drew first blood.
It's the code.
Shit.
My first night back and you invoke the code?
Damn it.
- Fine, I will give you your urine. - Okay.
But while I'm doing this, you two are gonna recite the RDDs.
- Okay. - Okay.
Let's go.
- Um, you know, courage. - Productivity.
No, the don'ts, the don'ts. Jesus.
No, that's actually for Mr. Munt.
He can get another. We're friends.
There you are... effervescence for the effervescent.
So you work with Joel?
What the fuck?
Joel and I are working together on "Axiomeleon. "
This is AF Gordon Theodore,
only the greatest living sci-fi novelist.
Just in from British Columbia.
He lives on Orcas Island in a keep.
It's like a little castle. It's awesome.
- If you're ever on Orcas, I'd love... - So you're not a producer?
- No. - Excuse me.
- Hey, I didn't know you were here. - Must be a good friend.
No, they're all just stuck-up.
Ugh, I know. I'm a sci-fi writer too.
They treat us like garbage.
I can't believe I'm actually talking to you.
I was, like, center court, on the floor, motherfucker.
We're not even gonna bid on this fucker.
Hey, I didn't get my champagne.
Oh good.
No, bad, okay? Get my champagne.
Right. Kyle, this man didn't get his champagne.
Oh dude, my piss isn't back yet.
Huh-uh, just champagne, just champagne.
Shh shh.
So what are you gonna do after this trilogy?
Another trilogy, unifying all dimensions.
Like a three-dimensional trilogy... a nanilogy.
A duodecilogy. Don't forget time.
Yeah, of course. That's so complex. That's why I love your stuff.
- Can I ask you a question? - Sure.
Why are you letting them make "Axiomeleon" a movie?
I'm intrigued by popular art forms.
And I've always been curious to experience Hollywood
which Art Clarke was discussing
and said that when the...
Hello. I like your...
On the phone, yes.
And Joel seems devoted to the integrity of it, so there you go.
- Joel? - Yeah.
Integrity? That's not Joel's forte... integrity.
- How long have you known him? - I met him once.
Waiter, could you please not bother the guest of honor?
AF, having a good time?
Just conversing and trying to meet the local womenfolk.
Fuck trying. Danni, get your friend... what's her name?
Excuse us. We're gonna hit up some blow with these ladies.
Oh, all right. Nice meeting you, lad.
Nice to meet you.
Shit, man, that didn't go so well, did it?
It's all right. I'm getting some pee stored up right now.
Yeah.
And I see a way I can get in between Joel and Theodore
lago-style.
What is that? I don't know what that is.
Lago from "Othello. "
The board game?
- I can't talk to you anymore. - What?
Om.
An interesting culture, Joel... this Hollywood.
Will we be doing the coke off someone's tits or...?
Uh, no.
Wait, no no no. Who promised you the role of Penopia?
Ah, you'd be a marvelous Penopia.
And Danni, I went to that fucking panda charity dinner with you,
so you fucking owe this to me, okay?
Let me just get out of your way here.
Hey, Sterno jockey, let me tell you something, okay?
Tell that guy with the glasses I want my fucking champagne
as soon as we're done doing blow off tits.
- Yep. - Joel, let it go.
- No no no, you tell him exactly that. - I got it.
Let's go. The coke isn't gonna blow itself.
AF, when our movie opens,
we're gonna be doing this every night.
What the fuck is up with that?
You have a scar? I thought you said these were real.
It's from my biopsy, dickhead.
So one just thusly?
Plink! Like that?
What the fuck, man?
No? Yes?
- Stop it, please. - What?
- You're fashioning a tool. - Yes, with which I will open the van.
- You're actually fashioning a tool. - So?
It's not gonna work. Please please just call AAA.
- Casey, it'll work, I'm telling you. - It's not gonna work.
And now you're just doing it 'cause you have to prove a point.
It's your thing... you have to prove that you're a man.
- I don't have to prove anything. - You sort of have to prove...
Hey guys, I need some pee. I'm completely dried up.
Wait, what?
This douchebag's been fucking with Roman
and now it's payback... the code.
- Oh. - Wait, what's the code?
The code... it's like a guy code.
- You wouldn't get it. - Yeah.
Shut up. There's not a dude code.
Net maybe, but gross?
How about you go out to a dinner and a movie,
take yourself home and fuck yourself, okay?
Oops.
So what project are you working on, huh?
- "Pride and Prejudice. " - Ooh, I love a costume drama.
A buddy cop thing.
Pride's a racist white cop in the South,
teams up with this rapper named Prejudice,
catches a maniac killing hookers.
Yeah, that sounds wonderful.
Thank you, Keanu. Isn't he nice?
I saw his house on the Starline tour.
Hey hey, I know the perfect white person.
Oh gosh, where is he? I gotta find him. Hold on.
Hold on, hold on. Wait. Kyle, Kyle, come here.
- Hey. - Look, look who needs
a Southern cop for their movie, huh?
Say something Southern. And action!
Oh.
Looks to me like this young lady's been raped and murdered.
What? Cut. Print.
Yes. Oh my God, not since "Foghorn Leghorn. "
We're thinking like Owen Wilson.
- I love his work. - Kyle's just like Owen Wilson,
except look at that nose... straight as an arrow.
You might know him, if you've ever been to Laos,
from "Jumping Boys. "
You do really have a white look.
Oh my gosh, thank you so much.
- How's that drink coming, Mama? - Escapade sweetheart,
you're never gonna believe this. Would you say hi to my daughter, please?
Hi.
Guess.
- Look, send us your stuff. - Lydia: No. No.
- Oh my gosh, yeah. - All right? Good.
No no no.
Fuck! Asshole!
Lydia: No. Okay, I'm just gonna tell you...
Wesley Snipes.
Yes, just like in the movies, but a lot shorter.
Motherfucker.
Come on!
Really, man? Off the tits?
- That sounds so cool. - You know what? It's overrated.
But hey, don't worry. I'm gonna find you some piss, okay?
- What happened to Henry's? - Oh, I don't know.
Never mind. I'm going to plan B.
Oh yeah, Miyagi-style.
Lago.
- Jesus. - Whatever.
- Hey Kyle, can I talk to you for a sec? - Yeah, what's up?
- Hey, did you get it? - Well, I haven't had a chance yet.
Casey, if you have to pee, can you hold it for a little bit
and like come back and let me know?
- Step on it. - Okay.
- Hey, do you know how to pop a lock? - Dude.
What are you doing? No, older model vans... side locks.
- Oh yeah, totally. - You do?
- Yes. - Okay, come on.
AF, chill out. There's gonna be plenty more at the after-party
for everybody, all right?
Well, it took you long enough, waiter.
All right, you win. I surrender, Joel.
And I also have to admit that I always did want to see
an "Axiomeleon" movie.
It's just so rich and dense. I never thought
they could pull it off without compromising its genius.
Stay true to the book... pretty much my entire fucking pitch, right, dawg?
So even the prologue on Ayo?
Pre-credits sequence.
It all begins on a methane mine on Ayo.
So when the titles roll, you're already like, "My mind's been fucking blown. "
Methane... the gas...
What about the Mind Eaters Council?
Pretty much a Greek chorus through the entire piece, right, AF?
Citizens of the empire selected by lots
to have their minds consumed by a council of governing elders.
- We got it. - There's no way
you could do the whole battle on the Crab Nebula.
Modeled after Nelson at Trafalgar.
I thought Nelson broke up.
- So there is an after-party? - Yeah yeah, just one second, AF.
A flashback during the coronation of Lull.
It's gonna be just like the book, man. Everything is in there.
- Everything? - Everything.
What about the Mongus?
A gas-based telepathic life form.
Dude, you're gonna fucking shit,
'cause we got James Cameron's FX team
design a kickass CGI creature.
- Oh. - A creature?
Yeah, a creature.
- A creature? - It's gonna be amazing.
The Mongus doesn't even register in the visible spectrum.
Okay yeah, I know, but it's a major character and we have to kind of...
We have to kind of turn it into a computerized cartoon?
Like Jar Jar Binks.
It's not like Jar Jar Binks, okay?
It's Cameron's people. It's gonna be awesome.
Jesus Christ, Joel, are you insane?
- No, it's gonna be awesome. - You're insane. Excuse me.
- It's Cameron. AF, it's Cameron. - We're done.
- You're blowing this out of proportion. - God damn it.
We should talk about this. You motherfucker.
Hey hey. Hi. Is everything good?
No! Nothing is good 'cause your underling here
just fucked my career!
The Mongus.
AF.
I thought we were just gonna pee in his champagne.
Ooh ooh ooh, what if Pride's sister was a hooker?
That way with every dead hooker he sees, he's like, "That could be my sister. "
Yeah, it's gotta be personal.
And what if Prejudice's sister is a hooker?
- And the sisters are friends. - Calvados.
And one of them gets murdered, so it's personal for the other one,
and that's everyone. It's personal for every character.
- It's a perfect movie. - Argh!
My God, what twaddle.
These people are Philistines.
And some Jews. That's what's great... everybody gets along.
Well, it looks like we're out.
AF, I am so sorry. I can explain the entire thing.
No no, let me explain about something called integrity.
You lied to me. And if I'd known I'd be lied to,
I'd have never come to Hollywood.
You're the guest of honor here tonight.
Then why can't I get a single stuck-up female
to talk to me for five minutes? And why are you out of Calvados?
Mr. Munt, I had no idea
that one of my servers was scheming against you.
I hope this doesn't affect the comment card.
You are out of Calvados.
If I don't get a bottle of Calvados in my hand in the next two minutes,
I'm gonna cut your dick off and fuck you in your own ass.
Ed Harris. What next?
- Shit. - All right, come on, I got this.
Let me do this.
- That's exactly what I was doing. - No, yours is backwards.
What are you talking about?
See? That's your problem right there.
Well, I mean...
Casey: Oh my God.
No, please continue. This is just... it's awesome.
Thank God. There you are. Henry, I need a bottle of Calvados.
- Give me the keys. - They're locked in the van, Ron.
What do you mean? Henry, I need a bottle of Calvados now.
- What do you want me to do? - I almost got this, guys.
Shit!
- Let me do it. - It's still backwards.
Oh, God damn it, I need a bottle now.
I need it now.
- We could just call AAA. - No.
Oh my God, really? Look at yourselves.
You're like clowns... circus clowns.
Get out of the way. Get out of the way.
- Casey: Wait. - Ron?
- Oh my God. - Come on, what are you doing, Ron?
- Seriously. - Oh my God.
Oh!
- Oh my God. Oh my God right now. - Busted.
Turn it off. Turn off. Turn off.
- What the fuck are you doing? - Turn off, turn off, turn off.
Casey: That's not how you turn it...
What the fuck is going on? My window? My fucking window?
- What? - My f...
My window... what the fuck is going on?
I've had this car for a week. What is going on?
- Henry. - I don't know what happened.
- Who the fuck is working this party? - Oh, I'll go do that.
Okay, you tell me what happened.
I saw a guy.
You saw a guy? What did he look like?
I just got a glimpse... a rough-looking guy.
Yeah, black... with a black hat.
A white guy with a black hat
and like a must... a thin mustache.
Yeah, he flew off. We just came out and he went... boom!
Like so fast. There's no way
- we could get a good description. - I don't think we'll find him.
Fine. Enough. I'll check the security tape.
Jesus, this fucking night. Great job.
Shit.
Okay, so you want a Calvados?
Hey. Revenge is a dish...
- Best served cold. - Yes.
Tell me you have Calvados back here.
- Uh, no. - Fuck.
And of course the security camera
doesn't have any fucking tape in it.
- God damn it! Fuck! - Fuck!
He's taking his name off the project.
Ooh.
- You fucked me. - You fucked me first.
No, you fucked me first when you fired me.
Then you fucked yourself by being a hack and a sellout.
Fucking Mongus...
it's unfilmable. I mean, what does he expect?
I don't know. You're the writer. Figure it out.
It's a telepathic gas. What do you do with that?
Use a disembodied voice.
You can't use a disembodied voice, okay?
Real cinematic. You gotta make it...
You can't just use a guy. That's a cop-out.
Okay, well, you can't make it CGI either.
What about a container, like a tank
with a computer readout of what it's saying?
That's a stupid idea.
- What if it's a suit? - It'd have to be such a big suit.
It's a scuba suit because on this planet...
Yeah, it's airtight. It's gas-tight.
Yeah, and it deflates and inflates when it talks.
It'd be amazing.
But, yeah...
Together: It can't be CGI.
No.
Just like old times, huh?
Yeah, except you're a millionaire
and I'm serving shit food to shit people.
Same shit though... just spitballing ideas.
What about a ship?
That's the container.
You have a ship with a bunch of little mini-ships
with guys in suits. And they're all part of...
Together: The one big thing.
Yeah yeah yeah. No, that's it. I mean, it would be...
It's perfect.
But yeah, no. He won't go for it.
- Why? - Because it wrecks
the integrity of the piece. No, face it, I'm fucked.
And...
dude, I am sorry about this whole thing.
It was petty of me. It was small.
You deserve better.
Yeah.
This fucking cocaine.
How do you know Ed Harris?
Wasn't he wonderful in "Milk Money"?
I feel depressed. How do you fix that?
- Hey. - Hey.
- So call me later? - Yeah, if I feel like it.
- Oh, look at you. - Yeah.
One manly act and you're insufferable.
What are you talking about? All I do are manly acts.
Mm-hmm. Bye.
- Ow. - Sorry.
Henry, so how did you do it, man? Did you switch the hook around?
I found the keys on the ground.
Okay, huddle up. Huddle up, Party Downers.
Tonight's RDDs: Henry... one, Casey... zero.
Where's Casey?
Okay, that's one.
Roman gets a pass because of the revenge thing.
And Kyle... that's three. I'm docking your pay.
Whoa, are you gonna be docking your pay?
- Why? - Because you peed in the host's glass
- and broke his car window. - That's two.
You still have three. I'm docking your pay.
So I have this security tape.
Kyle... zero.
Hey, where's Lydia?
Oh, thank God.
I really need to powder my nose and I can't find the stuff.
Thank you.
This is fucking makeup.
It was such a pleasure meeting you, Mr. Theodore.
Personally I don't care if they ever make the movie.
- The book is perfect. - Thank you, young man.
But I think you might quite enjoy the movie.
What do you mean?
AF, the after-party awaits.
Wait, I thought you were done with that guy.
He redeemed himself with a clever idea. The Mongus will be a ship.
With little mini-ships and guys with suits
that are all part of the gas being?
Yeah.
That was my idea. He stole my fucking idea!
Oh well, a marvelous idea. Have you ever considered being a writer?
I am a writer. I told you.
Let's go.
You're still gonna hang out with a guy who is a hack and a thief?
He's got the drugs and the women.
And the keep is a rather cold and lonely place.
Good luck to you.
Game, set... Munt.
I'm gonna go home and hang myself.
What?
Okay, a huge dork getting into a car full of hot chicks...
if that's not a sign of hope,
I don't know what is.
Yeah.