Mmm... Mommy,
you should send your recipe for toast into a magazine.
Mmm!
Okay, what do you want?
And by the way, that has to be
the lamest suck-up ever.
Fine... can I borrow your car
so I can meet my friends at the mall?
See, honey, being direct always pays off.
But no, I have a meeting at your sister's school.
This is why I need my own car.
You have your own car, honey.
It's big, it's shiny.
People pay to ride in it.
It's called a bus.
You know, Dad, that tie makes you look younger...
Definitely not getting my car.
Hey, hon, what do you want for lunch?
A new school.
Do... you want chips with that?
Megan said she doesn't want to be my friend anymore.
And she won't let me sit at her table at lunch.
Why not?
She says I'm not cool enough.
I don't know this Megan, but she sounds smart.
Hallie!
She's freezing you out, huh?
Girls and their mind games.
You know, if she was a boy,
I'd just tell you to sucker punch her.
Bada-bing!
You'd be back at the popular table.
Thank you, Tony Soprano.
Look, honey, I know it seems tough right now,
but when you're a grown-up, you're gonna realize
that, you know, this kind of stuff,
it just doesn't matter-- right, Jay?
Your mother's right, and if that
doesn't work, there's always wedgies.
(whipping)
I have so much man knowledge
and no one to share it with.
Honey, look, the important thing
is that you do don't stoop to her level.
Look at me, okay?
You have to be the bigger person.
Or we can make Shannon look cooler.
Do a makeover.
In fact,
I'll take her to the mall
after school and get started.
Okay, but you're walking.
She looks fine.
Captioning sponsored by RITA ROCKS PRODUCTIONS, LLC
Mommy, what are you doing here?
Oh, hey, Shannon.
I've got a fund-raiser meeting.
How did lunch go today?
Did you work things out with Megan?
No, she's still that name
you called the lady at the DMV
you told me never to use.
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
Look, don't let her get to you.
You'll make a new friend.
Well, there is Lucille.
I sat with her at lunch today.
Good for you-- I don't...
think I've heard you talk about Lucille.
Do I know her mom?
Doubt it-- she's in a retirement home.
What? I...
Hey, Lucille.
Oh, hi, Shannon.
How did you like that apple cobbler I slipped you today?
It was great.
By the way, hope your ex-husband sends you that check.
Well, see you, baby.
I got to go stir 80 gallons of corn chowder.
So, your new friend's the lunch lady?
Yeah. She's gonna show me how
to change her nicotine patch at recess.
Hey, Rita. Oh, hey, Owen.
I didn't know you were on the silent auction committee.
Hey, when Jennifer Trenton, the president,
asks you to show up, you show up.
Plus, her hair
smells like fresh laundry on a summer's day.
It's intoxicating, really.
All right, look, whatever.
Your imaginary girlfriend's daughter
is kind of messing with Shannon.
You know, I'm gonna say something to her.
Oh, I... I don't think you should do that.
What? Look, I know
Jennifer is all high and mighty,
but, you know, we're both adults.
We can work this out.
That's what Anita Crawford thought
until she made a comment about Jennifer's daughter
always getting the lead in the school play.
Who's Anita Crawford?
Exactly.
I know.
I eat and eat and just can't gain a pound.
Hi, Rita.
Hey, Owen.
How's it goin'?
(chuckling)
Well, now that everyone's arrived...
four minutes late,
let's all gather, okay?
I know everyone has been anxiously waiting
to hear what this year's spring fund-raiser theme is.
(sighs) It's true.
I couldn't sleep last night.
And this year, I've decided it's...
a carnival.
(all gasping, oohing)
Or, as my Italian husband says it: a carnevale.
You've all met Paolo.
Hands off, ladies.
And, of course, no carnevale would be complete
without a silent auction,
so let's break off and discuss your auction baskets.
Okay... break, break, break.
Hey, Jennifer.
Carnevale, huh?
How do you keep coming up with this stuff?
Mm, it's a gift, I guess.
Plus, my mind always works better
after Paolo and I have morning relations.
Kidding! (laughs)
So, Rita, tell me all about your basket ideas.
You always have such good ones.
Thanks to you, the bar is here.
Oh, and you're very tall,
so that's quite a compliment.
Yeah, I was actually up all night thinking about it.
I've come up with this.
A pamper yourself spa basket.
Ooh. Yeah, and here's a list
of the items that I'm gonna put in it. Okay.
I love it.
(chuckling)
You pamper my soul, Rita Clemens.
(laughing)
And I'm this close to getting
a gift certificate for a massage from the Royal Oaks Spa.
Yeah, I got a massage there once.
It was so good, I forgot I had kids.
Talk about a happy ending.
Oh! (laughing)
I love Megan, but I hear you.
Yeah.
Speaking of Megan, um, she's kind of been
excluding Shannon from the lunch table recently.
Really?
That's awful.
And so, Shannon's been forced to sit with the lunch lady.
I don't know, she's a little young
to have a BFF that's been divorced twice.
Well, Rita, thank you so much for telling me this.
I will handle it.
I didn't endure 14 months of artificial insemination
to have a poorly behaved child.
Thank you.
(sighs, gibbers)
You know, Rita, the...
the more I keep running your basket idea
through my head, the word, "no," just keeps popping up.
You... you said I set the bar up here, so...
Mm-hmm.
You know what?
(sighs)
I'm gonna give you the idea I was gonna use.
Um, a home office basket.
Yeah, you can
fill it up with all sorts
of fun office supplies.
So, you want me to make a basket filled with stuff
that people steal from work anyway?
So it's settled.
You'll do it. Yay!
This is all you got me
is Post-its, a stapler, file folders?
Honey, I had to sneak all this stuff past Delores,
and her desk is right by the supply closet.
I have to score with this basket.
I mean, people expect me to bring in something fantastic.
You know, it's...
you know, it's kind of my thing.
Okay, and my thing is trying not to get fired for stealing.
(knocking rhythmically)
Owen thinks we have a secret knock.
I don't know.
Yes, hi.
Hi, come on in.
Hi, you knew it was me. Yeah, yeah.
Hey, um, don't want to sound like a cliché,
but can I borrow a cup of sugar, neighbor?
Well, since we're asking for favors,
can you lower your blinds when you're getting changed?
That's not a show I signed up for, neighbor.
I am, uh, making my pinwheel cookies
for the PTA potluck tonight.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up.
What potluck?
Oh, you didn't get the e-mail from Jennifer?
No.
N-Neither did I.
So I guess there is no potluck. Bye.
(laughs)
You see what's going on here, don't you?
Yeah, I talked to Jennifer about her daughter,
then I get the crappy basket assignment,
and I'm off the e-mail list to the potluck.
I, my friend, am being frozen out.
Who cares?
You hate potlucks anyway.
Yes, I hate potlucks when I have to go to them,
but when I'm not invited,
(raspy laughter): I am all about the potluck!
Hey.
Hey, honey.
So, Mom, you know how every time
I try to borrow your car, you're always hogging it?
Yeah. Yeah, you know me.
I'm always using it to go to work,
or go grocery shopping or drive the carpool.
I'm a selfish pig.
Right. That's why I decided
to use my birthday money to buy myself a car.
You what?!
You bought a car?!
It's awesome. Come on, come and check it out.
Only 600 bucks.
What do you think?
Did that include the smell?
(groans)
Honey, you can't drive this.
You might as well just fill it with dirt and put a plant in it.
Oh... Oh, no, wait, you can't.
There's a hole in the floor.
Jay, say something.
She's beautiful.
I had a car just like this in high school.
Sharona.
So can I keep it?
Yes! No!
It's not safe.
Honey, I can make it safe.
Yeah, I'll put on new brakes, I'll change the tires.
I will tune this baby up until she purrs.
I can't even get you to rub my neck.
RITA: Hey, Owen.
Oh, my God.
What are you doing here?
I know I wasn't on the e-mail list,
but I work hard for this committee,
and I deserve to be here.
Why aren't you looking at me?
Uh, if Jennifer is icing you out,
I don't want to get on her bad side.
Nothing personal.
You need to shave the back of your neck.
Nothing personal.
Rita.
You're here.
Look, uh, Jennifer, I didn't get an e-mail from you.
I'm sure it was nothing, but I wanted to double check
that you weren't mad--
that I talked to you about your daughter Megan.
What? Not at all.
It gave me a chance to have a wonderful conversation with her
about special kids like Shannon
who just need a little extra help fitting in.
Excuse me, but as Shannon's mother,
I can assure you
that there is absolutely
nothing special about her.
I'm sure you're right.
Why don't you grab one of Owen's pinwheel cookies.
They're delicious.
Kidding!
Reverse kidding, O!
All right, everybody, let's fill up our plates
and take a seat, okay?
Take a seat.
Take a seat, take a seat.
Let's hurry, hurry-- run like deer.
Oh.
Hey, Owen, can you scooch?
Please don't take me down with you.
(disco music blaring)
Dad!
(music stops)
Hey, who's messing with my tunes?
Oh, hey, what's up, honey?
Are you done with my car yet?
I've gotta meet my friends at the mall,
and I'd like to do it before the ice caps melt
and there is no mall.
Honey, I just-- I know what this car can be.
And...
she's just not there yet.
Mom, do you see this?
Can you please talk to him?
He won't even let me get near my car.
I will handle it. Jay...
Honey, I'm just trying to make Leona roadworthy.
Leona? I thought her name was Sharona.
No, that was my old car's name.
Giving two cars the same name?
That's just creepy.
Okay, you just lost the right to decide what's creepy.
Hey, Patty, I have a question for you.
When you were a the PTA mom
did you ever have, like, the queen bee mother
freeze you out at your son's school?
Mm-hmm!
Sharon Middleton.
What's the name of yours?
Jennifer Trenton.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
She's manipulative, vindictive,
and I want to beat her to death with her gorgeous handbag.
You want me to put her on a junk mail list?
I will have her choking in useless catalogues.
Hello, Owen.
Sorry about last night,
but shunning you totally paid off.
Jennifer gave me a sneak peek at her auction basket.
And get this,
she's doing a "Pamper Yourself Spa" theme.
You are kidding me.
(screeching): No!
Jen--
and I'm taking that leap--
says it's
exactly what people need during these troubled times.
The woman's a genius.
No, no, no, no, no, I'm the genius!
I think you've got a bad case of Jen-vy.
No, the spa basket was my idea!
She stole it and gave me the stupid office basket.
I mean, how do you make Post-its sexy?
You can stick 'em to Denzel's ass.
You know what? The spa basket was my idea,
and I'm gonna do it.
My basket next to hers,
(laughing): there's gonna be no comparison.
Damn!
Jennifer sure knows how to pimp a basket.
Damn!
Ooh. Is that the gift certificate
from Royal Oaks Spa?
No wonder I couldn't get one.
I say you should take it.
Steal it?
I couldn't do that.
Look, if you can't have it
in your basket, she can't have it in hers.
We're just leveling the playing field.
So it... it wouldn't be stealing,
it would be leveling.
There's no crime
against leveling, right? No crime.
No crime.
Yeah.
Huh? Yeah, that felt good!
(both laugh)
Of course it did. Hit it again.
Yeah. Yeah.
Ooh, bath salt. Hit it again.
It's the only kind of salt
that doesn't make me feel bloated.
A natural bath sponge.
Suck it, Jennifer!
Guava lip balm.
Sounds disgusting. I'm taking it anyway.
Okay, come on, let's get out of here.
That massage says it's for two people
and I got the whole afternoon off.
Mom!
Crap. It's Shannon.
Hi, sweetie.
So what are you doing here?
Hiding from Lucille.
She's getting kind of clingy.
Oh.
Is Megan still being mean to you?
Yeah.
You know what?
I've had it with that girl.
You have my permission to be mean right back.
That's right. Start a nasty rumor about her.
Tell everybody she eats her own boogers. Yeah.
Nah.
I decided not to stoop to her level.
I'm gonna be the bigger person.
You were right.
Yeah, I guess you are.
A lot bigger than a lot of people I know.
(bell rings)
Gotta go. Bye.
Did you hear that?
(sighs) Yeah.
Now, come on, we got a massage to catch...
No, no, no.
We can't go.
My daughter just made me feel like crap.
Oh, why did I have to bring her up so right?
Come on, we got to put this stuff back.
Come on.
I can't believe
you're letting maturity get in the way
of a well-deserved smack-down.
Go stand guard. Okay.
What are you doing? (gasps)
Trying to restart my heart.
You were stealing my gift certificate.
No, no, I wasn't.
No, she wasn't!
She was chickening out and putting it all back.
Tell her, Rita.
I don't believe you.
You're just a petty thief, Rita Clemens.
You have some nerve calling me a thief,
basket theme stealer!
It is not stealing
if you are the president of the PTA, Bottle Blonde.
No wonder Shannon is the way she is.
I don't blame Megan for not wanting to be friends with her.
(gasping)
How dare you!
I am a natural blonde.
And, and and my daughter is twice the person
that you and your bratty kid will ever be.
Tell it, real blondie.
You think you're so hot 'cause you're the Big Mom On Campus,
but you're just a pathetic woman
who has to be mean to other people
so that you can feel better about yourself.
Oh, kidding.
(forced laugh)
Oh, wait, reverse kidding.
You know what, Rita?
Your basket is wonderful.
Mm-hmm.
I didn't even think to have a brush in mine.
Ooh!
No, she did not just do that to your basket.
No.
It smells so good.
Whoo!
It... is... on.
(grunts)
PATTY: Get it, girl.
Yeah!
Oh, my God. Raining... raining...
Oh, who doesn't want coffee potpourri?
Aah...!
Oh, she is out of her mind.
(all yelling)
Open the coconuts...
Oh, candles, how orig-- oh!
Yes!
Hey, Dad.
I can come back if you two want to be alone.
No.
Check out your car.
Huh? It's all cherried out.
It's beautiful, huh?
Well, enjoy your last night together.
I just sold her.
Y-You what?!
And thanks to all your hard work, I got $800 for her.
That's a $200 profit.
Oh, look who's suddenly good at math.
Honey, you can't sell her.
I put way more money into her than that.
Well, I never asked you to.
(stammering)
I'll give you a thousand dollars for her.
It just wouldn't be right, I mean, I alr...
$1,200. Deal.
Now I can get a better car, one that you don't have a crush on.
I almost lost you.
Oh, my--
What happened to you?
I got in a catfight, and no,
it did not end up with us kissing, like in your fantasy.
I did exactly what I told Shannon not to do.
I stooped to that woman's level.
Honey, I'm sorry.
I know you worked really hard on that basket.
What are you gonna do?
I guess I'll just make another one.
Tell you one item that's not going to be in it--
my dignity.
Yeah.
Now, that...
That's a...
Ba-- A basket...
Yeah. With... things in it.
(groans)
I don't see another basket
from the Queen of Mean.
You want to know why?
Because we took her down.
Yeah. We took her down.
(cackles)
Owen, in here.
And she got right back up.
Aah! Oh! My disc!
Oh! Ow!
And voilà.
I know,
I know, fantastic.
But it's all for the children.
I'm not gonna let this get to me.
And you shouldn't.
That basket is tacky, it's over the top...
You can bid on it. Oh, thank you so much!
Hey, did the bidding start yet?
You mean the humiliation?
Yes, yes, it did.
Listen, I know you said this wasn't about winning,
but I wanted to bring up something
to help spruce up your basket.
That's sweet, but I don't think it's going
to raise enough money to build a new playground.
Open, open the door.
You want to donate Leona?
But you love her.
I love you more,
and I know how much you hate Jennifer.
Thank you for supporting me in my hatred.
Who wants to bid on a tricked-out vintage car?
(clamoring)
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org