I need a boatload of cupcakes
for tomorrow's bake sale."
"No problem, Shannon.
"I'll get up at 5:00 A.M. and bake those.
"I don't need sleep.
Sleep's for losers."
(groans)
Eh, you buying that?
All right, you know what?
Either help or get out.
Mom, the twerp keeps trying to scare me.
She put another spider in my underwear drawer.
(laughing): Did not.
All right, I've never seen either one of you
put anything away in a drawer,
so I have no opinion.
Tell her to stop.
Yesterday she put a rubber snake in my purse.
How do you know that was me?
Because I gave you that snake for your birthday, genius.
Oh.
All right, guys, here are your lunches.
Hey, Mom, did you cut the... Yep, I cut the crusts off,
and your book is due back at the library.
Don't forget; I'll put that in your knapsack.
Ugh, meatloaf.
Ugh, whiny teenager.
Mom,
you know how Tori's sleeping over tomorrow night?
Well, can I have a couple more girls?
Like ten?
Honey, it's a sleepover, not a slumber party.
What's the difference?
A migraine.
And eventually a half bottle of wine.
But, Mom, please.
Shannon, Mom said no.
(sweetly): Mom.
Tomorrow night, everyone's going
to this great concert in Windsor.
So it's cool that Kip and I go, right?
Windsor, as in our friendly neighbor to the north, Canada?
Friendly and safe and only 45 convenient minutes away.
You know what?
You've convinced me.
Go have fun in another country.
While you're there, why don't you climb Mount...
Not A-Gonna Happen?
But everyone's going.
Hallie, she said no.
Why don't you shut up? (mocking): Why don't you shut up?
I'm a jerk. I'm a jer... Mom!
(mocking): Mom! (singsongy): Mom said no,
Mom said no...
Can't you control your daughter?
Why can't I go? Mom said no...
Just because she's a baby doesn't mean
I need to be treated like one, too.
Hallie, I'm not discussing this anymore.
Jay, I can see your reflection in the window.
Little help here?
SHANNON: Loser.
Want to see a loser? Look in the mirror.
I can't because you're always standing in front of it.
Jay. Girls, knock it off.
(blows)
You're welcome.
I overslept, I got to go.
Oh, yeah, I hate it when I oversleep.
Remember that one time 16 years ago?
Captioning sponsored by RITA ROCKS PRODUCTIONS, LLC
horse neighing over television)
Hey, guys, I'm home.
Hello, Yoda.
Sorry I am late.
You would not believe it.
There was a turtle on the expressway.
How in the hell does that happen?
What's going on here?
Well, honey,
you seemed a little stressed this morning, so...
I decided to make spaghetti and meatballs.
That was more beautiful than our vows.
Mom, you have got to taste these meatballs.
Oh, I feel like I'm in Italy.
Tres bien, señor.
It's official:
these are good.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, they rock.
How'd you make 'em?
Oh, it's just a little something I threw together.
It's nothing, really.
I start by, by boiling water with a little basil in it.
You don't think you can taste it, but, oh, you can.
Yeah, these are not bad.
(scoffs)
Not bad?
Give it up.
These are off the hook.
My secret weapon is shallots.
A little harder to find than onions,
but I think the extra effort is worth it.
Totally.
Mom, can you pack these in my lunch tomorrow?
You do realize that meatballs are just meatloaf in ball form?
You know what?
Maybe we'll have a cooking lesson next time I make dinner.
See you in 2015.
Thanks for dinner, Daddy.
I'm going to go do my homework now.
Yeah, thanks, Dad, that was awesome.
Aw, you're welcome, sweetie.
My stomach and I salute you.
Wow, they really seemed to like my little dinner.
I think it was the shallots.
(chuckling): Uh, I think
it was a concert in Canada and a slumber party.
What are you talking about?
Hallie wants to go to Windsor with Kip to see a concert
and Shannon wants to have a bunch of her girlfriends over.
I said no, so they set their sights on you.
No way.
Hallie wants the recipe, what, so she can cook?
Honey,
she eats her cereal dry
'cause she's too lazy to walk to the fridge.
All right, all right.
What about the, the little one?
Yeah.
I'd sleep with one eye open.
It's always the quiet ones.
All right, hold on.
Girls, come in here for a sec.
All right, listen, Hallie,
I know all about this Canada concert thing.
You're absolutely not going.
Shannon,
as far as your sleepover is concerned,
you're doing whatever your mother says.
Yeah, I know.
Right, one friend only.
JAY: Great. Now,
just so we are absolutely clear on everything...
Tonight's dinner: how would you rate it now?
Awesome. Fantastic.
Oh, it was just spaghetti and meatballs.
Go, go.
Well, they're not going to admit they were playing you.
"Yes, officer, I robbed that bank.
Here's the money back."
No, the important thing is that they know
that we know and they know the answer is no.
All right, I guess you're right.
Right?
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Yeah, you know what's a little insulting is
that you thought that they only complimented my food
because they wanted something from me.
Honey, it's not meant to be insulting.
Hmm... well, it is.
And so is that.
Honey, yeah, no, I'm happy
you made dinner and everything, you know.
Well, I think the words you're looking for are
"Thank you, Jay, you really helped me out tonight."
Honey, I'm very appreciative of what you did.
I-I am.
I'm sorry.
You can't blame me for being suspicious.
I mean, the girls never thank me,
and I do, like, a thousand more things
around here than you do.
Hmm.
Really?
A thousand more things?
Hmm.
Honey, no offense, but you don't even come close...
(laughing): ...to what I do around here.
I mean... (chuckles)
All right, well, thanks for saying "no offense."
It's so much less offensive that way.
Honey, I do just as much as you do.
(laughs)
What?
This relationship is 50-50.
Yeah, if 50-50 is the new 90-ten.
Wow, wow.
I cannot believe you just said that,
and I cannot believe
that you think my meatballs need that much pepper!
(band playing "Love Shack")
♪ So come on and bring your jukebox money ♪
♪ The love shack is a little old place where ♪
♪ We can get together
♪ Love shack, baby
♪ Love shack, baby ♪
♪ Love shack, baby, love shack
♪ Baby ♪ Love shack
♪ Baby, love shack
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪ Love shack
♪ Oh, baby ♪ Baby, love shack
♪ That's where it's at ♪ Ooh...
♪ Love shack.
BOTH: Oh.
That was fun.
You were great. No, you,
and you were on top of it.
I was just trying to keep up with the two of you.
(laughter)
(sighing)
Thank you, Owen.
Ah, thank you for picking a song that lifted all of our spirits.
Huh?
How hard is that?
Well, what is it with you men?
You do one little thing and you want a parade.
Whoa, what's with the 'tude?
We were just in the love shack.
I'm sorry, it's just Jay cooked last night
and everyone was treating him like he was King of All Dinners.
Whoa.
He didn't just cook dinner.
He nailed it.
I'll just see myself out.
I cook hundreds of meals every month and what do I get?
Nothing.
He boiled water.
He didn't walk on it.
I hear you.
I'm a stay-at-home dad.
Every morning, I wait to hear someone say, "Gee, Dad,
"thanks for making the special kind of oatmeal
"you have to stir
for 20 minutes."
And I stir
and I wait.
But if Audrey brings home buffalo wings,
oh, the sun shines out her ass.
Hit me, sister.
Yep, right here. Mm-hmm.
I'm not going up high for that.
You should be thankful.
At least you have a man that helps out.
I know, it's... maybe if he didn't gloat so much.
You know?
He kept saying "basil" and "shallots"
over and over again like he was Marco frickin' Polo
bringing back spices from the Orient.
You know what? If I ever get married again,
this is the kind of stuff
right here that I'm just going to let slide.
So one day somebody does more than somebody else.
Who cares?
Well, it's just that... Uh... Patty's not done.
Look, when I'm delivering the mail,
I peek through a lot of windows.
You know, just to make sure I'm at the right house.
And yours is one of the happiest.
I would count your blessings and let it go.
If you had just thanked me for picking this song,
we wouldn't have gotten yelled at.
Hey. JAY: Hey.
How was band practice?
Owen danced.
Say no more. So,
listen, about last night, I'm really sorry.
Your dinner was delicious. Oh, honey,
I was just trying to help. And you did.
How'd I get so lucky?
A guy who can cook,
who's got a butt I can bounce a quarter off of.
(chuckles)
I tried it one night when you were sleeping.
Totally works.
What's this?
Oh, it's nothing.
So where were we?
Right... here.
Honey.
"Crap I Do Around the House She Has No Idea I Do"?
You're keeping score?
Y-You made a list?
Well...
So Owen danced?
What was that like?
"Refilled propane tank
"and averted barbecue disaster.
"Changed furnace filter."
Oh, "Trapped spider hanging out in shower
and released unharmed into the wild."
"Into the wild," Jay?
You put it on the porch.
I can't believe you made this list.
Who does that?
I'll tell you who does that.
A husband who has a wife that says
she does "1,000 more things than him."
Well, I do. You know how last night
you wanted to help me out because I was stressed?
I wasn't stressed.
I aspire to "stressed".
I was overwhelmed, and I feel that way every day.
Well, I was overwhelmed, too.
And to keep from blowing up, I made this list, a list,
by the way, that you were never,
ever supposed to see.
Look, right here, number 28.
"Don't leave list in pocket.
"She does laundry, but not always.
Sometimes I do it."
When have you done laundry? Just last week,
you left the laundry basket
at the bottom of the stairs.
I took care of it.
You dumped it at the top of the stairs.
Basically, you're like a little sock taxi.
You don't see me writing down all the stuff
that I do, and you want to know why?
Because you didn't think of it.
No, no, Jay, because if you have time
to write down all the stuff you're doing, guess what.
You're not that busy.
You know what, you should be happy
I make these lists.
They're like little release valves.
Lists?
You've done this before?
Occasionally.
Yeah, when we fight, I vent on paper.
And then it's over. So what?
I just can't believe you've been making
these little lists for 18 years.
It's how I get my frustration out.
It's no different than when you...
I... I'm sorry, what?
Nothing. No, when I...
when I what, Jay?
(sighs) You eat ice cream.
(gasps)
SHANNON: We need to go pick up Tori.
Let's go.
BOTH: I'll do it.
Ha!
Drives children even when he doesn't feel like it.
Number 92.
Congratulations, Jay.
You just won nothing.
(door closing)
You want to make... make a list?
I can make lists.
I can...
I can make lists of lists.
All right, you.
All right, here we go, all right.
All right, let's see who does what around here.
Who buys all the birthday gifts?
Rita!
Who helps the kids with their science projects?
Rita!
Who gave birth to these?
Rita did!
Try putting that one on your list, pal.
(door opening)
We're back.
Did you bring the fake severed hand?
Okay, so we're gonna
stick it under Hallie's pillow
and make her think her hand fell off
while she was sleeping.
(giggling)
So, what took so long?
Oh...
I got lost.
You know, I'm glad I did.
It gave me a chance to...
to cool down.
Look, Rita,
I don't want to fight with you.
You don't?
No, making that list was just petty.
It was? Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, you keep this whole house running,
and unlike me, you never ask for credit.
I mean, you wouldn't be childish enough
to write it all down.
I wouldn't?
Yeah, no, I wouldn't.
You know,
why don't you run upstairs?
I'll grab you a beer.
No, no, honey.
No, I can get my own beer.
I want you to sit, okay?
And, you know what, you've been
in that kitchen long enough.
Maybe I'll make dinner again.
No, no, no, no, no.
Jay, no... hey.
Hey, hey, Jay, um...
you know what, let's, uh...
let's go watch that tape.
What tape?
You know, the tape you always want to watch
and that I think is disgusting.
Okay, cool.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
I knew you were acting weird. What is all this?
While you were out, you got a lot of messages?
"Took Shannon to dentist."
"Lined kitchen cabinets."
"Laughed at Jay's lame camping story.
Again."
Oh, well, look who's keeping score now.
You know what, at least my list...
my list was meant to be private.
What's the blue one? Nothing, nothing.
"Things Jay does.
Turns meat into balls."
Real mature, Rita.
I'm sorry... it's your fault.
You left all mad, then you came home all nice, you know?
It wasn't supposed to work out that way.
Whoa.
Hey there, honey.
We're just playing a little game.
Mommy's winning, by the way.
What can I get you?
Where's Hallie?
Hallie's upstairs in her room.
No, she's not.
I went up to put a severed...
lollipop...
under her pillow, and she wasn't in there.
She's not anywhere.
Tonight wasn't the night...?
The concert in Canada, yep.
Nah, she wouldn't.
Our daughter is smarter than that.
No, Jay.
No, she's not.
Hallie's still not picking up her phone.
All right, I Googled the concert,
and I MapQuested our route to Windsor.
Did you try Kip's phone?
Yeah, I'm calling it right now.
(cell phone ringing)
(phone continues ringing)
The kid can't even keep track of his cell phone.
What are the chances he's gonna find Canada?
(knock at door)
That's Patty.
She's coming over to watch Shannon.
(gasps)
Not a word about the hair.
I... I didn't even notice.
Okay, you just made it worse.
Thank you so much for coming over.
You are a lifesaver.
Oh, it's okay.
Now, go on, bring the little juvie home.
I'm gonna sit here and watch Iron Chef.
You want me to record this for you?
What's the challenge this week?
Reet? No, Patty.
I'm a little more concerned about my daughter right now.
Go, go, go.
(no dialogue)
Okay, we need to take 94 to the Lodge to the tunnel.
I can't believe Hallie pulled this on us.
When I see here, I am going to kill her.
Then, I'm gonna hug her.
Then, I'm gonna kill her again.
Man, that girl has been giving us
a run for our money since the day she was born.
That was some fun day to go into labor, huh?
Ah, remember that blizzard?
I didn't think we were gonna make it to the hospital.
But you were smart: you got
the snow tires put on the day before.
Yeah, yeah, but, you know, you were the one who came up
with the alternate routes to the hospital.
Yeah... yeah, but no matter how freaked out I got,
you always stayed calm.
Until we slid into that snow drift.
That kind of... You were like, "Aaah!"
But then, you know, you waved down that snow plow.
Well, credit goes to you on that one.
There's no stop sign
like a screaming pregnant woman in a red parka.
(chuckling)
We're still pretty good teammates.
Yeah.
I like being on the same side again. Yeah.
And the important thing to remember
is that we're not the enemy.
The kids are.
(chuckling)
So, uh, where are the passports?
What are you talk... I thought you had them.
I thought you had them.
I was doing the maps.
What the hell were you doing?
Really, you couldn't even stay on my side
for ten whole seconds?
I'm sorry.
That's all right, I...
I already kind of blamed you in my head anyway.
Teammates?
Teammates.
But I'm the captain.
Oh, he is out.
Auf Wiedersehen, baby.
Forgot our passports.
Mom, Hallie's scaring us.
She's scaring us, too, but don't worry.
In ten years, when she's done being grounded,
we're all gonna have a good laugh.
Mom...
Got you good, you little twerp.
Hallie, what are you doing here?
You were in the house?
She hid under my bed and scared me and Tori.
It was awesome.
I had no idea you knew so many swear words.
You're mean.
Come on, Tori, let's go.
So, you mean to tell me I left the house
looking like this for nothing?
Oh, there better be something damn good
in that fridge, or Patty is gonna go off.
So you were under Shannon's bed the whole time?
Didn't you hear us yelling for you?
Yes. Why didn't you answer?
I didn't want to give up my position.
Hal, we just almost drove to Canada looking for you.
Why?
(laughing): Oh, my God, you thought I went to the concert?
Well, yeah, you nagged me half to death about it.
Yeah, and you said no.
I mean, I was bummed,
but I understand now that it wasn't age-appropriate,
and you did the right thing.
Wow.
That was, uh, really mature, Hallie.
Well, if you think I'm mature now,
wait till you see how mature I'm gonna be
by spring break when me and my friends go to Cabo.
BOTH: No.
I cannot believe you guys don't want me
to party in Canada or Mexico.
You guys are so racist.
So, thank you so much, Patty.
And we are so sorry for ruining your night.
Uh-uh, don't be sorry.
These are the best meatballs I have ever had.
It's the shallots.
Oh.
Shannon is gonna be in so much trouble
for using up all of my Post-its.
Don't even try.
Jay already told me you went crazy.
But you know what?
I was particularly interested in this one right here.
"Re-gifted fruit tray for Patty."
You know, I almost lost a filling on that apricot.
We weren't even friends back then.
All you were
was the nosy mail carrier.
And you're the classy lady who re-gifts.
(Jay clears throat)
All right. (clears throat)
I'm gonna go take the dog for a walk.
Come on, Yoda.
RITA: Have fun.
"Meet husband in bedroom in 15 minutes."
Great, another thing I have to take care of.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org