Ladies and gentleman...
please give a warm Caesar's Palace welcome to...
to recording legend... Miss Patty Mannix!
(sound effect of crowd cheering)
(turns off sound effect)
(laughs)
Hilarious.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
I got stuck doing inventory, but don't worry,
it just takes a second to go from stocker...
to rocker!
Thank you! Thank you!
Hey, Owen, how can you be late
when you live right next door?
'Cause I had a glass of warm milk and I fell asleep.
I have got to find a job.
Ho! Just a heads up--
I am waiting for the cable guy,
but don't worry, it's a four-hour window,
and those cable guys are never on...
(phone rings) Gotta go.
Oh, hey, by the way, Kip called.
Apparently someone "jacked his hoopty."
I don't know what that means,
but you got no drummer. He ain't coming.
All right, let's try
a 12-bar blues in B flat-- ready?
On one, two, three...
All right, I'm off to get my basketball jones on.
If "basketball jones" means taking the girls to the mall
like we agreed on, well, then "jones" it up.
The mall?
Honey, we talked about this.
You promised to take Hallie and Shannon
to the mall to buy dresses for the wedding this weekend.
What was I doing when we discussed this?
Listening, I thought.
But my basketball jones.
Honey, I know you hate shopping, but this is the only time
I can get a couple hours of band practice in.
Not me-- because, apparently, Patty's got all the time
in the world to watch you two argue.
Why can't Hallie take her?
Remember, the last time we let Hallie loose
in the mall with a credit card?
That was the year Visa sent us a gift basket.
Just think of it as quality time with the girls.
All right, yeah, maybe it'll be fun-- you know,
walk around, grab a bite. Yeah.
Ooh! Yeah, maybe they can teach me
how to change my ringtone on my cell phone.
I no longer care "Who Let the Dogs Out."
Thank you, sweetie-- Oh! Remember,
if you run into any of Hallie's friends at the mall,
make sure you go up and talk to them.
She loves that.
All right, let's do this.
Get our music jones on.
Okay? Yeah.
One, two, three...
(string breaks)
Ooh. That's all right.
That's all right, I can play with five strings.
It's all right. It's okay.
Here we go. One, two, three...
(string breaks)
That was an important one.
Yeah.
Captioning sponsored by RITA ROCKS PRODUCTIONS, LLC
All right.
Your daughter's guitar is ready, ma'am.
Oh, no, no, it's mine. That's... not my daughter.
I would never let my daughter dress like that.
And that's if I was even old enough
to have a teenage daughter-- it's...
You tell me.
Yeah.
I'm, I'm in a band.
Good for you.
Hey, what's up? You ready?
I'm just gonna check this out.
Pats. What up?
Holla. Craiger!
I'm chilling. You good?
Getting by.
Craiger, this is my girl Rita.
Hey... Chillin'.
(clearing throat)
Craiger, Craiger...
Rita's the hot lead singer in our new band.
We play in her garage.
Yeah, that's right. I got my own house.
I know Craiger from my regular gig at Temple Beth Acheim
I actually played for his bar mitzvah.
Oy, such a punim.
So, hey, hey, listen--
me and my buddy Zack over there,
we just started up this legit new group.
Hey, yo, Zack Attack.
Hey, man, this is Patty
and Rita-- they just started their own band.
Sweet!
So what is it? Some retro-fem indie rock kinda thing?
More like, "play in between carpool and laundry
as long as there are no really hard chords" kinda thing.
(both laughing)
He has no idea what I just said.
Mm-mm.
Oh, hey, check it out.
Me and Zack are playing Happy Hour over at Club Bijou
right after this-- it would be, like, sick if you guys came.
I think we should get back to rehearsal.
Oh, what rehearsal? Half the band is out.
Besides, you gotta hear rock 'n' roll
in order to play rock 'n' roll.
And, uh, we could kinda use a ride.
I sublet my van.
That's smart.
Well, Jay is at the mall with the girls,
and the last club I went to is Sam's Club,
and it's kinda hard to dance
with those really big cartons.
Pats, this chick's funny.
Hey, hey, you gotta come.
All right. I'm a "chick," so...
(both laughing)
Solid. Cool.
Holler!
Yeah! You got it!
Do it again.
(laughing)
(squealing)
I cannot believe
we found this belt that matches my shoes
that matches my skirt!
I know. And it only took nine stores.
Ten.
Ten stores. You're forgetting Rings 'n' Things.
Hallie, you're the best shopper in the world.
Uh, yeah. Too bad I was born into a family
who can't afford to support my talent.
OMG, I totally forgot about my earrings!
(girls giggle and shriek)
Hey, Hallie, can you drive me over to Zoe's house
so I can show her all my cool new stuff?
Sure. Dad, can I have the keys? I want to go to Kip's anyway.
Anywhere. Please, please.
I love shopping for weddings.
I know. I hope another cousin gets pregnant real soon.
(door closes)
(shrieking) Oh, my God!
I can't believe how good they were!
They are, like, radio ready.
They're going to get a record deal, any day now.
I know! I told you!
And did you check out the bass line
on that Black-Eyed Peas cover?
Oh, I know! How about that guy's voice?
He's, like--
(raspy, sultry): * I don't wanna know...
Oh, it was awesome. Hi, honey! Mwah!
Where were you two?
Oh, well, I broke a couple guitar strings,
so I went to the guitar store,
and then Patty ran into a couple of her friends,
so we went to see their band play at this cool club...
I got carded.
Oh! And look, and look, and look-- concert tee!
So, uh, you mean to tell me while I was in mall hell,
you were out just goofing off?
"Goofing off"?
Uh-oh. Here comes a throw-down.
No... It's fine. No, no, no, no, no!
It's okay. If I wanted to be a part of
these uncomfortable moments, I would've stayed married.
I'm just, I'm just, I'm a little confused, you know?
I thought you wanted to play in a band,
that's why we moved all our lives around,
so you could do it.
Right, right, I see your point.
I mean, 'cause I did make you quit your job
and move the whole family to Nashville.
You went to the mall.
Honey, you just helped the girls
pick out a couple of outfits.
A couple of outfits?
No, no, no, they must have tried on a hundred dresses.
And then there were accessories.
Accessories!
Oh, and one of my poker buddies, Gary,
spotted me outside of Sassy Sixteen.
I begged him to go to the sporting goods store,
buy a crossbow and put me out of my misery.
But he just kept laughing at me.
And that's not the worst part.
You know what the worst part is?
You forgot where you parked again.
No!
Well, yes, I did, but...
Hallie wears a thong!
She bought three pair.
And-And-And it's just the fact that-that-that I know that,
it-it-it makes me want to rip my brain out!
Honey, this is the whole point of the band,
so that I can have some time for myself
so that I can cope with knowing things like
Hallie wears thong underwear.
You know, when she wears underwear.
Oh, God...!
I'm kidding. I'm just... kidding.
Honey, I'm sorry you had to go through that.
No, I'm sorry.
It's just that half hour in Tops-Tops Tops talking.
You know what?
Look, it's your time, you can spend it any way you want.
Good.
Because this is how I want to spend my time right now.
Mmm! Mm! Mmm!
Combat pay.
I have no idea what came over me.
You ripped my T-shirt off with your teeth.
And that was a Hanes.
I know, I just felt so young and frisky.
Ah, that wasn't frisky, that was a cage match.
Mm-hmm. And we both won.
Twice.
Who's "Craiger"?
And why is his number on your arm?
"Craiger"?
Yeah, he's one of Patty's friends.
One of the guys in the band.
Zack and Craiger.
Oh...
Oh, I thought they were girls.
Nope. Nope.
They're boys.
You know what, I'm starving.
I'm gonna get something to eat. You want anything?
Nah, nah, nah, I'm good.
Goody, good, good.
So, honey, um, you know,
just out of curiosity,
how, uh, how old was this Craiger and Zack?
I don't know, like, 24, 25.
But with all the hormones in the milk these days,
kids look a lot older.
Yeah...
You're not upset, are you?
Me?
No.
Good.
I mean, why would I be upset?
Because my wife went out clubbing
with a couple of young, hot, rocker boys.
Well, as long as you're not upset.
So, uh, Craiger--
is that his real name or did you add the "er"?
RITA: Everybody calls him Craiger.
Oh, everybody does? Like who?
Weasel? Bucky? Moondog?
...like, Skippy? Flash? Jughead?
Okay, okay, this has been fun, but could we drop it now?
'Cause all I did was go see a band.
And let some guy write his number on your arm.
It's the number to the music store.
He's getting me a deal on a custom leather guitar strap.
Oh... he's buying you leather now!
Nice.
You know what, honey,
we had something pretty good here
and you're kind of stomping on the afterglow, okay?
$14 lampshade, my friend.
Well, $10.50 with the employee discount,
but... you know.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Were you thinking of Craiger when...
when you were going crazy on me?
What? No.
You were! You were!
You were thinking of some hot young rocker.
He was in your head.
Oh, my God!
Oh, great.
Now he's in my head.
Aw, and he's with you.
And he has a Ferrari.
He has a van.
Oh, that makes me feel better.
Honey, you're the one who said after 18 years of marriage
we each get a "free pass" fantasy person.
Remember, yours is Salma Hayek,
mine is Johnny Depp.
That's because the possibility of you actually having sex
with Johnny Depp doesn't exist.
Wait... wait... are you...?
Are you saying that I'm not attractive enough
to have sex with Johnny Depp?
No, no.
I'm just saying that the chances of you
running into Johnny Depp in line at Kroger's
is pretty remote.
Oh, oh, I see, I see.
So I'm too boring to have sex with a Golden Globe nominee.
I didn't say that.
What I'm saying is, I don't think that was Johnny Depp sex.
I think that was Craiger sex.
No, no-- Craiger was not in my head.
And the fact that you think he was,
undermines all the good work I did there.
I don't know, something was different.
Okay, okay, fine, fine.
And maybe I was feeling a little bit sexy
'cause I got to go to a cool club
and take off my boxy work vest for once,
and, yes, maybe the boys were flirting a little
with me and Patty, in the car,
but that doesn't mean I was thinking about anyone but you.
Okay?
Okay.
You're fine?
Fine. Yeah.
In the car? You were cruising
around with these guys?
Okay, we drove them to the concert.
Afterwards, they were hungry, so we grabbed a bite.
"Grabbed a bite."
Are you going to repeat everything I say?
"In the car, grabbed a bite, had a beer..."
"Had a beer"!
Here's the thing--
this bed isn't big enough for you, me and Craiger.
Johnny Depp would have been totally cool with this!
Mom, you have to take us back to the mall.
We hate everything we bought.
Last night, you loved everything.
You were all giggly and best friends.
We were on a shopping high.
I'm sorry-- you bought it, you're wearing it.
No one's going to be looking at you anyway.
They're going to be looking at the bride.
Have you seen the bride?
They'll be looking at me.
Well, at least she has a veil.
Morning. Mm-hmm.
Jay, can you pass me the waffles, please?
You sure you want these waffles?
You don't want the younger, hipper waffles?
No, no, I like the irrational, cranky waffles I already have.
I thought we only had plain waffles.
(phone ringing)
Who's Craiger?
He's texting me the name of a song I forgot.
Was it "Mrs. Robinson"?
(knocking at door)
Hey. Hey, Patty.
Hey, guys.
Oh, Rita, I burned you that CD
of the Rock Zombies.
Oh, thank you. The Rock Zombies? That Craiger?
He's hot!
All right!
It's 8:00 in the morning.
No one's hot.
Let's go-- school.
But I haven't finished my waffles.
No more waffle talk.
That's why I'm so hungry.
Just take your waffle to go, honey.
Go, go with your dad in the car.
I'll see you guys later. Bye Bye.
So, Patty...
you want something to eat?
Anything but the waffles.
What in the hell was that all about?
Jay kind of freaked out about us hanging out
with Zack and Craiger last night.
Oh, good for you.
You know what, it's when a man stops acting jealous
that you should be worried.
So I'm supposed to feel good about this?
Yeah.
It's when Bobby stopped shooting up Whitney's car
that she knew her marriage was over.
I just thought mine and Jay's
relationship was different.
You know what, Rita?
I think you need to look at how he feels in this situation...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
You know what, drink my coffee,
take my side.
I always thought that man was selfish.
Mm-hmm.
I thought you hated cigars.
Me? No, I don't hate cigars.
Rita hates cigars.
You know, sometimes...
sometimes it feels good to be bad.
(coughs)
(choking): I love these things.
So how's the wife? Good.
Delightfully premenopausal.
Oh.
Today she told me I breathe too loud.
Hey, you know they're putting in new curbs?
Really? Yeah.
Did not know that.
So your real friends couldn't make it?
Stuck at the office.
That's all right.
Boy, I miss office life.
All the gossip, sexual tension.
Secretaries macking on me.
No one macks on me anymore.
Now my kids just mock me
while I'm bent over the dishwasher.
You know, I, uh...
I don't really get hit on at work.
Well, you know, although I do...
I do have this one suit.
Whenever I wear it,
Caitlin and Tiff in Underwriting
put my paperwork through a little bit faster.
I'd love to put on a sharp suit again
and get the once-over from a couple of Caitlins and Tiffs.
Yeah, a brother gets in a rut wearing sweats all day.
You think Rita feels like that?
Nah, she works. She gets out there.
Yeah, but I mean she's in a boxy vest all day,
and she's stacking towels day in, day out.
It can't make her feel sexy.
Yeah, I had a temp job once
where I had to wear a boxy work vest.
Does not make you feel attractive.
Productive... but not attractive.
Hey, beautiful.
Huh?
They told me that there was a total babe
stocking toilet brushes on this aisle.
Jay, what are you doing?
I'm not Jay.
I'm an anonymous customer who finds you very attractive...
Rita.
Well, handsome stranger,
I'm not sure if you're hitting on me,
but I'm married. Mm.
Well, I'm sure your husband doesn't understand
that when you work hard all day
and take care of a family,
that sometimes you need to get out there
and cut loose.
You seem to know a lot about my personal life, anonymous customer
who finds me very attractive.
I see that you're married.
What's your wife like?
Smart, funny, sexy in ways she's not even aware of.
Oh.
Cigars.
That mad at me, huh?
No, no... Owen came over,
and he...
What-What is that?
Glade Fabric and Air Odor Eliminator.
Oh, that is nice.
It's fresh, isn't it? Yeah.
(sighs)
Look, I... I know I was acting a little crazy
and jealous the other night.
But it is kind of your fault.
How is it my fault?
Well...
it's 'cause you're so hot.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
And then... Yeah?
you know, you go and strap a guitar on
which makes you even hotter... Sure, sure. Yeah.
And then you go out to a club...
And then what? Yeah, what are you gonna do?
I just...
I felt threatened.
And I guess, you know, I was kind of blind
to how it made you feel.
But you know what?
You know what I'm gonna do?
I going to... I'm going to rein in all this hotness for you.
Hmm? Yeah. I'll try... try.
So, um... Rita...
I know this quiet place over in bedding.
Your husband will never find out.
I'm not on break.
But you know what, you know what I'm going to do?
I'm going to give you my digits.
Then later, you know, we can hook up.
That's young people talk.
I learned it in a guitar store.
Well, I got a little shopping I got to do.
Can you tell me where the lamp shades are?
I have one that needs replacing.
You might want to get two.
Oh.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org